And now it's time for "Bum Reviews" with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: "Les Miserables."
OH MY GOD, this is the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life!
(singing) Look down, don't look at the spoilers.
There's this place called France.
And apparently Wolverine lives there!
Only he's captured by bad singing Gladiator.
And his threatening blue McDonald's drive-thru suit.
And Wolverine is like, (singing) "All I did was steal a loaf of bread!"
And Gladiator is like, (bad singing) "I warned you about stealing a loaf of bread. It's very bad, but you can leave anyway. Go!"
(bad singing) "Hooray."
But apparently Wolverine can't get any work because of this sheet of paper that says "Don't give him any work!"
So he steals some silver from a church owned by Father Cameo.
And Father Cameo is like, (singing) "I will give you this silver if you become an honest man."
And Wolverine is like, "My God, this priest has changed my life! I shall go through an incredible transformation that'll take years and years and years to happen-- (shows "Years Later" card) I'm mayor now."
But he comes across this prostitute played by Catwoman.
And Catwoman is like, "I'm totally gonna own this movie by being the only reason that it'll get any Oscars!"
"So people can forget I bombed hosting them."
"Yeah, well, a lot of it was because you brought that weird mannequin."
"That was James Franco."
But Wolverine feels bad because he thinks that Catwoman was thrown out on the street because of him.
Even though she really wasn't.
So he decides to raise her kitten even though she dies!
Through the same way most other people in this movie die: They're just born in this time period.
I think middle age was like two.
But then Gladiator comes in and he's like, (bad singing) "Hold on, I think you're Wolverine!"
(bad singing) "Oh, okay." (leaves)
"Wait, I take it back. (singing) I am!"
(bad singing) "You're under arrest then!"
"It's worth it. I am ethically cleansed by bravely revealing who I am, and now I will face the consequences-- Look over there!" (points)
(bad singing) "Huh? (turns as Wolverine runs off) Oh darn, I'm so stupid!"
So Wolverine picks up Catwoman's daughter from Borat and Bellatrix.
And the daughter is like, "So my mother is dead and you're my new daddy. We will have to show all the complex emotions and the time it will take to heal, and the relationship that we will grow together-- (shows "Years Later" card) I'm a teenager now."
But unfortunately they're caught in French Revolution 2.12.
And Catwoman's daughter falls in love with this boy!
By just looking at him!
"My world is nothing without you!"
"My world is nothing without you!"
"I have no idea what your name is!"
"I have no idea what your personality is like!"
"We should get married in a few weeks!"
"By 80's musical Broadway law, that seems doable!"
But Wolverine is like, "They're trying to start the sequel to the French Revolution! (dramatic turn) "La Revenge!" We must stay away from this boy!" (walks off)
"But he's rich!"
(comes back) "We must get closer to this boy!"
So Wolverine tries to protect the boy in the middle of the battle, and sings a couple of songs that, well, you know, the guy's talented but it's Les Mis, guy.
I mean, unless your balls are cut off, these are pretty hard notes to hit.
In fact, I think that's how Father Cameo used to hit those notes.
That would explain why his face always (scrunches face) looks like it's in pain.
But then there's this other girl named Eponine, and she's in love with the boy.
And she's like, "Why don't you love me?"
"Because you have a personality!"
"Aw no, I'm in a love triangle and I have a personality. That means I'm dead, aren't I-- Ahh!" (is shot)
"Epilepsyyy! (is told "Eponine" from offscreen) Eponineee!"
So the revolution gets squashed pretty fast.
And Gladiator is like, (bad singing) "Wolverine, I've come to take you to prison."
"Wait! Have you ever thought that you're a jerk?"
(bad singing) "You're right. Goodbye." (dies with a splash)
So Wolverine gets the boy and Catwoman's daughter together.
And Wolverine is like, "I must leave you, though I can never tell you why, who I am, where I'm going, or what I did to save you."
"In the book it makes sense, but we sung so many other songs explaining about how we feel there's no time to go into explanation! Goodbyyeee!" (runs off)
"Eh, whatever. At least I get a bland chick out of it."
But then Borat and Bellatrix are like, "Dude, he saved you."
"Oh God, I'm a douche!"
But Wolverine is dying, again from just existing in this time period.
"At least I'm sitting in this chair and not laying down in one of those comfy pews."
"Papa! Papa! My husband has come to admit he's a douche!"
"Yes, I'm a douche!"
"Oh, thank God. Your mother says hi."
"What?" (Wolverine dies and daughter cries)
So Wolverine and Catwoman scurry off to comic book heaven, and they all live happily ever after! Or as happy as the French can be.
So, normally this is the part of the review where I ask for change, but seeing how it's Les Miserables (pronounced Miserbliss), I think it's better if I sing it. (pauses) As Gladiator.
(To the tune of "Do You Hear The People Sing?"; bad singing) Can you give a guy some change? Give us some change right now if you can. (over "Thank You" card) I want money right now to drink some booze. I think I'll say can again. (as credits roll) See the credits rolling now. They've been the same for years, you know. Not even trying now, but I'm still singing better than Crowe!