Legend of Zorro

(The episode opens with clips from The Mask of Zorro as the parody of Zorro theme song sung by Doug Walker is played.)

Out of the night when summer films were shite,

Came the movie known as Zorro,

It was bold and risque,

Zeta-Jones... fuckin' A,

Complete straight A's for Zorro.

Zorro (2x)

Winning box office with ease.

Zorro (2x)

His wife a total cock-tease.

(Then it cut to the clips from its sequel, The Legend of Zorro.)

Six years too late, on a cruel twist of fate,

Came a less impressive Zorro,

He was drunk and depraved

Made us crave the Gay Blade,

Twas a sad day for poor Zorro.

Zorro (2x)

With slapstick that just sucks shit.

Zorro (2x)

A kid, goddammit, a kid.

Zorro (2x)

Stunts like a fucking cartoon.

Zorro (2x)

A lame ass-sucking buffoon.

Zorry (x12)

(Then we come to the opening)

NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Director Martin Campbell has been getting a bit of a reputation as a savior of franchises.

NC: (vo) Not only did he revive (cue posters of GoldenEye and Casino Royale) the James Bond movies from total destruction twice, but he also brought the classic (cut to clips from...) Zorro back from the grave in The Mask of Zorro. In a time when everything was CG explosions and disaster films, this gave us actual stunts, developed characters, comedy, drama, oldcomers, newcomers. It was a reminder of how summer movies were supposed to be done, and, of course, it was a big hit, so big that everyone involved went on to do other things. The spotlight was suddenly on these people, and they didn't want this to be the only thing they were associated with. [beat] (Posters for Original Sin, America's Sweethearts, Spy Kids 3D, The Haunting) But then, after a few shitty movies, they said, "Yes, yes! We do want to be associated with this! Remember when we were good here? Remember when you loved us here? Well, we're gonna help you relive those moments all over again with a sequel." [beat] A mere seven years later. [The year 2005 is shown as a caption]

NC: Way to ride that hot streak, guys.

[Clips from The Legend of Zorro are shown as NC speaks]

NC (vo): But, hey, even if something came out six years too late, it doesn't mean it necessarily makes it a bad product. [Chuckles] No. The fact that it's a bad product is what makes it a bad product. Where the first film had a bit of an edge to it with family members being killed off and disembodied heads in jars, this one plays like a fucking Saturday morning cartoon. No drama, no logic, and stunts you'd see at a Six Flags Stunt Show than a high-budget sequel. It was a pretty major letdown.

NC: But it's one thing to talk about it, it's something else entirely to experience it. So, let's take a look at Hollywood's shitty-ass... [Pretends to use a sword to carve a Z shape] Z-quel.

[The movie begins]

NC (vo): So California's on the verge of becoming the 31st state as an election is held to hopefully merge with the Union. (One of the ballots is marked with a Z instead of a check, showing that it's being signed by Zorro) Insert immediate stupid as Zorro himself apparently votes in the election. That must've been an interesting registration form to fill out.

(We cut to Doug dressed up as Zorro and Malcolm Ray with a sombrero, mustache and poncho)

Malcolm: Okay, sir, if you could just please fill out your...

Doug Zorro: HAHA! (he just paints a Z on the registration form)

Malcolm: Sir, that's a Z. (Everytime he puts a new one out, Doug Zorro just paints another Z on it) We're going to need your full name. Those won't count as--(fed up with the constant Zs) Okay, whatever. (And then Doug Zorro paints a Z onto his own face)

NC (vo): But a villain with two frozen strips of bacon on his face comes to steal the ballots by... shooting their hats off.

Padre Felipe: State your business, McGivens.

Jacob McGivens: I haven't voted yet.

Felipe: Aw, I'm sorry, you're too late. The polls have already closed.

NC (vo): (As McGivens) Don't mess with me, boy. I caused the Top Hat Massacre of '43.

(McGivens snaps his fingers and several other goons appear with rifles pointed)

NC (vo): Of course, Zorro, played by Antonio Banderas, comes in to save the day.

(The goons shoot at Zorro, all of them wildly missing their shots)

NC (vo): (as Goon) Sir, what do we do? He has no hat to shoot! (as McGivens) Then God help us all! (normal) They literally try to steal the election by putting the votes in a carriage with the world's fucking strongest horses. (The horses power through a brick arch like it was made of paper) That's solid brick! What kind of steroid oats are you feeding these things?

(Zorro manages to get back the ballot box and is cornered by one of the goons. Zorro smacks him in the face, making him fall crotch first onto a wood beam, with Zorro reacting to it)

NC (vo): (as Zorro) Oh, yeah, we did the 90s crotch reaction. And it's 2005. (McGivens kicks Zorro off the platform) (normal) Oh, and get a load of this denial of reality.

(As Zorro is falling, he whips onto one of the beams above it, then swings under and through the platform, kicking the guy above him. NC is quite confused, even with diagrams!)

NC: No!

NC (vo): He [McGivens] lands on a cactus literally so we can just have this painfully awkward reaction shot. (McGivens is panting with cactus quills on his face) Jesus, even Wile E. Coyote, who's had God knows how many reactions to cactus, is like...

(Cut to a picture of Wile E. Coyote)

Coyote: Yeah, that was weird.

NC (vo): Two men end up seeing Zorro without his mask, but right now that's not an issue, as Zorro has saved the votes.

(Zorro comes in holding the ballot box as the crowd cheers him on)

NC (vo): (as person in the crowd) Yay! A dark masked man whose identity is unknown is handing us our ballots. Surely, this is still legit, right?

Governor Riley: In three months, every vote from every person around California will be counted! And it is my hope that we will finally call ourselves Americans!

(The crowd cheers)

NC (vo): I don't know. This film seems way too Americanized already. This, of course, brings him back to his lovely wife Elena, played by Catherine Zeta-Jones! (The porno music starts up as she comes into the shot)

(Suddenly, a loud roaring is heard coming from NC's crotch which he then whips)

NC: Down, boy! Down, boy! (The combination of whip plus nads equals bad idea as he cries out in pain!) Ooooww!

NC (vo): By the way, get used to this tracking shot while the music swoons. They milk it more than the (picture of) Two Fat Ladies' butter factory.

(Five clips of said tracking shot are shown)

NC: I don't care if you mug more than the LA crime circuit. (deep voice) One day, you will be mine!

NC (vo): Though it seems he's returned home to both her and his son, he suddenly realizes that Zorro's days may still not be over.

Alejandro de la Vega: Here is me, here is quitting this far apart.

NC (vo): (as Elena) *sigh* You know I'm Catherine Zeta-Jones, right?

Alejandro: Where's the proof?

Elena de la Vega: That you do not know your own son.

(Bells are ringing in the distance)

NC (vo): But they summon Zorro by ringing the bell five times because...I'm sure it was cheaper than this. (A Zorro-light is shown with a Z shining in the night sky) And he rides off to save the day again. The following morning, Jones starts to feel like she's being watched. (While Elena is out shopping, she notices two men watching her by looking at a mirror) Oh, yeah, cause they look intimidating. Run, woman! They might start to sing the Banker's Song from Mary Poppins!

(Elena manages to fight the two off, until one of them gets the drop on her by aiming his gun at her head)

NC (vo): (as Man) Yes, I probably should've opened with that. Can I interest you in a show about an island that was ruined by a writer's strike? (normal) We then see Banderas at... (noticing he's at a poker game in a bathhouse) wait a minute. Wasn't the last time we saw him, he was being summoned as Zorro? Yeah, they rang the bells, he gets in the costume, he rides off. What the fuck happened in between here? "Quickly Zorro! Three naked men in a bathtub are in need of a dealer!" (Sounds of Speedy Gonzales are added to Zorro riding in the night)

Man: Where are you going?

Alejandro: To beg Elena's forgiveness.

NC (vo): But just when he realizes he should spend more time with his family and he's about to change his ways, his wife issues him a Z-vorce. Oh, really? In 1850, huh? Hell, you couldn't even get away with this in 1950! I think just thinking the word back then was probably illegal! So rather than, oh, I don't know, just talk to her or admit he was wrong, he does the more logical route by getting blind stinking drunk and bad-talking her for about three months.

(Alejandro is naked after a night of drunken shenanigans)

Alejandro: What happened to my clothes!?

Maid: I removed them last night so you wouldn't catch pneumonia. After you came back from the cantina, you went for a swim.

Alejandro: But this hotel doesn't have a pool.

Maid: We have a fountain.

Zorro (x2) He sleeps five hours past noon

Zorro (x2) We doubt he'll sober up soon

NC (vo): This doesn't set well with his son Joaquin, who is starting to get restless in his studies.

Padre Quintero: How exactly does a flaming poker fit into your little theory?

Joaquin de la Vega: It fits...in your butt.

(The class laughs)

Padre: Come here.

(The teacher comes over to slap Joaquin with a ruler)

NC: Okay, before we proceed any further, I just wanna give you fair warning...This is the stupidest thing you'll see in an action film for a long time. It's action cam amazing. If you're wearing glasses or any kind of eyewear at all, be ready to drop them because this will result in immediate facepalm. (NC practices taking off his glasses for the incoming stupid) Go ahead.

(The teacher and Joaquin get into a swordfight with rulers while the class cheers. NC takes his glasses off and facepalms)

NC (vo): What the hell am I watching right now? This can't be for real. This cannot be for fucking real. (Clips of Mask of Zorro are shown) How can the prior film that brought us decapitations, slicing up others, years of torture, (back to the movie) bring us this second grader fan-fiction bullshit? It is so mindbogglingly stupid that I actually refuse to believe it really happened.

NC: In my opinion, this is all just a fantasy going on in the kid's head while in reality, he's getting his ass thrashed, (Drawing of the teacher smacking Joaquin's bare ass is shown) and this is his only way of coping with it!

(NC is now bent over with the previous scene in a thought bubble while getting smacked)

NC (as Joaquin): I'm jumping out of the classroom! Oww! I just had a swordfight with the teacher! Owww! All the kids are chanting my name! Ow! Ow! Owww!

NC (vo): But his father sees what he did, resulting in, what else? Absolutely nothing! Yeah. No punishment, no talking. He doesn't even send him back to his fucking class! He simply asks, "What's with him?"

Alejandro: What's with you, huh?

NC (vo): Christ, no wonder your wife left you! Your parenting skills are on par with Octomom! But, big surprise, his dumb behavior doesn't stop there. He's invited to a party hosted by Rufus "I'll pretty much be the bad guy in everything I'm in" Sewell, where he discovers, of course, that Jones is getting married to him after being separated for only three months.

[The three main characters, Alejandro, Elena, and the villain, Count Armand, see each other]

Elena: Alejandro.

Alejandro: Elena.

Elena: Armand?

Count Armand: De la Vega.

Alejandro: Count?

NC: [As Donkey] Donkey!

NC (vo): Thus, our brave and virtuous Zorro gets plastered and makes a complete dick of himself.

[We see a brief montage of Alejandro acting drunk during the party]

Alejandro: [various scenes] Perhaps you should wear lipstick if you're going to act like my mother./I can handle her! [Another scene shows Alejandro looking at Armand in jealousy] You can fall to your knees, beg me to take you back.

Zorro (x2) So drunk, he can't even walk

Zorro (x2) His ex-wife, he likes to stalk

NC (vo): After getting thrown out of the party, he finds a corner to go get drunk in where, believe it or not, even his horse starts to drink with him.

[His horse starts to drink beer from the bottle]

Alejandro: Hey, hey! Cut it out!

[His horse burps, before walking away, accidentally knocking Alejandro off it]

Zorro (x14)

Alejandro: Nobody leaves my tequila worm dangling in the wind!

[Suddenly, an explosion erupts, knocking Alejandro to the ground]

NC (vo; as God): This is God. Stop filming this piece of shit and start making a real movie. I mean, a drunken horse? WTF. [normal] Of course, somehow, nobody else heard or saw that giant explosion, which means Banderas is the only one who can figure out what's going on.

[The next morning, Alejandro encounters Elena and Armand again]

Alejandro: An explosion. I simply wanted to make sure you were both safe.

Armand: As much as you had to drink last night, I'm sure your vision was impaired.

NC (vo; as Alejandro): Yes, but my hearing isn't. What the hell kind of accent are you trying to do?

Armand: You do play polo, I take it?

Alejandro: Naturally.

[Cut to Alejandro and Armand competing against each other in a jousting match, polo]

NC (vo): [Sighs] Remember when this music used to go to cool stuff? In the first film, it was a horse chase, a sword fight, now it's goddamn polo! Oh, they just keep upping the fucking ante, don't they?

Polo (x8)

[Armand wins the polo match]

Armand: To the victor go the spoils.

NC (vo): So, after that completely pointless exchange, Temporary Tattoos [McGivens] here goes to steal the deed to a person's house so he can own their land.

[McGivens is holding the wife hostage as the husband pleads to him]

Guillermo: Please, sir. This land's all we have.

McGivens: And the Lord shall expel THEM before you and ye shall possess their land!

NC (vo): You know, I don't think he knows what those words actually mean. I think he just memorized random passages, thinking they'll sound important. [As McGivens] And Samson visited his wife with a young goat and said, "I will go into my wife in her room!" Wow, that sounded bad! Okay, just forget that last verse. That's a...that's not me.

[Zorro appears and confronts McGivens]

Zorro: Drop your guns. All of you!

[McGivens and his goons do as they are told]

NC (vo): Zorro has them where he wants them, tells the couple to go inside...and then just takes off like a pussy. Wait, he tells them to go inside the house and then doesn't even stay to protect them? That's like telling a mouse, "Go get the cheese from the mouse trap! I shall be with you in spirit from afar."

[We are shown the husband being killed as Zorro's horse saves the wife and baby from the flaming house]

NC (vo): This leads to the husband getting killed, but luckily, Zorro's horse is inflammable and saves the wife and kid. Are horses just like super beings in this world? Eventually, Zorro sneaks into the bad guy's house, while Jones does pretty much the exact same thing.

[Elena is shown having dinner with Armand]

Elena: Where is the bathroom? I would like to powder my cheeks.

NC (vo; as Armand): Yes, your tan does seem to be coming off.

[Zorro is seen sneaking into the house by entering it through the fireplace]

NC (vo; as Zorro): Feliz Navidad, assholes. I'm Zorro-ho-ho-ho!

[Meanwhile, Armand is talking with his lackey, McGivens]

McGivens: It'll take my boys two days to cover the quarter mile.

Armand: Otherwise, you'll get nothing.

McGivens: Listen to me, you backwards-ass frog. You had all my money, you won't ever see me...

[Armand suddenly grabs McGivens and pins his head on the table, before threatening him with a sword]

NC (vo; as McGivens): Christ, I'm so bad at what I do! Do you have a Bible quote you're especially afraid of? [normal] Our two heroes bump into each other after snooping around, leaving to Zorro having to hide.

[As Zorro hides, Elena kisses Armand to distract him. Zorro gives the signal to Elena, who throws something down to the ground]

NC (vo): Jesus! I think "Mad About You" had less bickering than this film!

[Zorro gets on his horse, who is eating something]

NC (vo): [Chuckles] We're hoping to get the horse his own Nickelodeon show. Check your local listings. So, in the mother of all coincidences, Barbecue Sauce [McGivens] here HAPPENS to stop by a field trip that Zorro's son HAPPENS to be a part of, and HAPPENS to sneak aboard without being seen. [Speaks the word 'coincidence' in Spanish]

[Joaquin is caught by McGivens' goons]

Goon: What are you doing here, kid?

Joaquin: Looking at two of the ugliest guys I've ever seen.

[He throws boxes of soap at the goons]

NC (vo; as a goon): No, soap! All we can do is duck from its aroma-pleasing destruction!

[Zorro appears and saves Joaquin from the goons]

NC (vo): Zorro saves him and gets him to safety, only to be captured himself by the people who know his identity.

[Alejandro is in jail, visited by the two men Elena fought earlier, called the Pinkertons]

Pinkerton #1: We're the Pinkertons, operatives of the United States government.

Alejandro: Elena works for you?

NC (vo): So, as you probably figured out, these are agents who blackmailed Jones to be a spy for them so they can stop whatever evil plans Sewell is up to.

NC: [Sighs] Okay, two major problems with this. One: Why the fuck couldn't she tell him that?

NC (vo): Even if they threatened to kill him or her, she can still tell him and he can just be on his guard! Second, and definitely the bigger problem here: You find out who Zorro is and you decide to use his wife. [beat] Why the fuck don't you use Zorro?! I mean, he's Zorro! He's fucking Zorro! He's literally an action hero! You go for his wife?! What the fuck's wrong with you?! How would this make sense in any reality?!

[Cut to a skit involving the Joker, played by Malcolm, talking with Batman, played by Doug]

Joker: I know who you are, Bruce. And if you don't want me to tell the cops out there, I think you know what I want you to give me.

Batman: And what is that?

Joker: I want...Alfred.

Batman: My butler?

Joker: Yeah.

[Beat]

Batman: Why the hell do you want my butler?

Joker: Oh, Commissioner Gordon...!

Batman: No, no! All right! I'll give him a call! [Brings out a cell phone] Alfred?

Alfred: Aye?

Batman: Get down here.

Alfred: Aye.

[Batman puts down his phone]

Batman: He's on his way. [Long pause] You do know I'm Batman, right?

Joker: Yeah. I don't care.

Batman: I can bug phones, sneak into places...

Joker: I still want my Alfie.

Batman: Okay, I don't follow this at all.

[Alfred, played by Rob, comes in]

Alfred: All right, here I am. [Sees the Joker and smiles] Sweetcakes!

Joker: Darling!

[As romantic music plays, Alfred and the Joker cheerfully jog outside as Batman calls for them]

Batman: I can do gasoline drawings on a bridge!

Joker and Alfred: [Off-screen] We don't care!

Batman: I am so done with this cape.

[He walks back into the building. We go to commercial]

Note: The Transcript not Completed yet.