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Lara Croft: Tomb Raider

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''(After the Channel Awesome logo, we start off in the year 1997 as gunshots are heard. It cuts to a teenage Nostalgia Critic in his room (posters for ''Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas'', The Smashing Pumpkins and ''[[Did Seinfeld Lie to Us?|Seinfeld]]'' are hanging on the wall) playing ''Tomb Raider ''on PlayStation as Lara does backflips while firing her guns at a T-Rex)''
 
''(After the Channel Awesome logo, we start off in the year 1997 as gunshots are heard. It cuts to a teenage Nostalgia Critic in his room (posters for ''Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas'', The Smashing Pumpkins and ''[[Did Seinfeld Lie to Us?|Seinfeld]]'' are hanging on the wall) playing ''Tomb Raider ''on PlayStation as Lara does backflips while firing her guns at a T-Rex)''
   
'''TNC:''' Yeah, ''Tomb Raider''! Oh, my God, this is the greatest game in the world! Yeah, ''Tomb Raider'', it's 1997. Yeah, Lara Croft's awesome. You are awesome, Lara Croft! Yeah! Oh, if only you existed in real life.
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'''TNC:''' Yeah, Tomb Raider! Oh, my God, this is the greatest game in the world! Yeah, ''Tomb Raider'', it's 1997. Yeah, Lara Croft's awesome. You are awesome, Lara Croft! Yeah! Oh, if only you existed in real life.
   
 
'''Voice:''' Don't I, though?
 
'''Voice:''' Don't I, though?
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'''NC (vo):''' ''Warcraft''?
 
'''NC (vo):''' ''Warcraft''?
   
'''NC:''' It's like the game, so...that's good, right?
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'''NC:''' It's like the game, so... that's good, right?
   
'''NC (vo):''' ''[[Max Payne]]''?
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'''NC (vo):''' ''Max Payne''?
   
 
'''NC:''' Okay, everybody hated that one. But...
 
'''NC:''' Okay, everybody hated that one. But...
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'''NC (vo; as an Illuminati Leader):''' Now onto the next order of business: What sex is your assistant? ''(Powell's assistant is shown to be wearing a mullet) ''It's been driving us nuts for days.
 
'''NC (vo; as an Illuminati Leader):''' Now onto the next order of business: What sex is your assistant? ''(Powell's assistant is shown to be wearing a mullet) ''It's been driving us nuts for days.
   
''(Lara and Hillary are shown talking in Lara's office in the mansion)''
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''(Lara and Hillary are shown talking in Lara's room in the mansion)''
   
 
'''NC (vo):''' Lara gets news of this from her butler, but she's not exactly in the best mood.
 
'''NC (vo):''' Lara gets news of this from her butler, but she's not exactly in the best mood.
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'''Lara:''' It's nothing but pyramids and sand.
 
'''Lara:''' It's nothing but pyramids and sand.
   
'''Hillary:''' I know. Gets everywhere. In the cracks.
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'''Hillary:''' I know. It gets everywhere, in the cracks.
   
 
''(A clip from ''[[Star Wars: Attack of the Clones]]'' is shown)''
 
''(A clip from ''[[Star Wars: Attack of the Clones]]'' is shown)''
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'''Bryce:''' What's that smell?
 
'''Bryce:''' What's that smell?
   
'''Lara:''' 5am.
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'''Lara:''' 5 A.M.
   
 
'''NC:''' ''(shrugs) ''I have no joke. I just love that line.
 
'''NC:''' ''(shrugs) ''I have no joke. I just love that line.
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''(Bryce is shown experimenting on the clock with a magnifying glass and a computer screen as Lara and Hillary watch)''
 
''(Bryce is shown experimenting on the clock with a magnifying glass and a computer screen as Lara and Hillary watch)''
   
'''Bryce:''' Well, gonna need some coffee.
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'''Bryce:''' Well, I'm gonna need some coffee.
   
 
'''Hillary:''' Decaf latte with non-fat milk. ''(Gives Bryce some coffee)''
 
'''Hillary:''' Decaf latte with non-fat milk. ''(Gives Bryce some coffee)''
   
'''Bryce:''' Oh, champion.
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'''Bryce:''' Count me in.
   
 
'''NC (vo):''' Uh, here's a science question, genius. How does decaf coffee wake you up?
 
'''NC (vo):''' Uh, here's a science question, genius. How does decaf coffee wake you up?
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'''NC:''' You know, for a finder of ancient relics, she's as delicate as...well...a hammer to a clock.
 
'''NC:''' You know, for a finder of ancient relics, she's as delicate as...well...a hammer to a clock.
   
'''NC (vo):''' She finds something of importance inside and takes it to a friend of hers, who works at an auction house.
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'''NC (vo)''': She finds something of importance inside and takes it to a friend of hers, who works at an auction house.
   
 
''(Lara is shown witnessing an auction going on, as she waves to one of the top bidders, Wilson)''
 
''(Lara is shown witnessing an auction going on, as she waves to one of the top bidders, Wilson)''
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'''NC (vo):''' She comes across an old frenemy named Alex, played by then-unknown actor Daniel Craig.
 
'''NC (vo):''' She comes across an old frenemy named Alex, played by then-unknown actor Daniel Craig.
   
'''Alex:''' ''(speaking in an American accent)'' You know, I think it's...really cool that you still have a day job. You, uh, still pretending to be a photo journalist?
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'''Alex:''' ''(speaking in an American accent)'' You know, I think it's...really cool that you still have a day job. You aren't still pretending to be a photo journalist?
   
 
'''NC:''' You still pretending to be American?
 
'''NC:''' You still pretending to be American?
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'''Lara:''' Are you still pretending to be an archeologist? You stole my prayer wheels.
 
'''Lara:''' Are you still pretending to be an archeologist? You stole my prayer wheels.
   
'''Alex:''' Stole? From you, you know, that's funny. You know, it's...it's not like you ever really owned them or anything.
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'''Alex:''' Stole? From you, you know, that's funny. You know, it's...it's not like you ever really own them or anything.
   
 
'''NC:''' I think they're in a competition to see whose accent...
 
'''NC:''' I think they're in a competition to see whose accent...
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'''Alex:''' Hey, you're the tomb raider.
 
'''Alex:''' Hey, you're the tomb raider.
   
''(Cut to a clip of'' [[Mary Poppins]]'', showing Mary Poppins and Bert dancing at the animated countryside)''
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''(Cut to a clip of'' [[Mary Poppins]]'', showing Mary Poppins and Bert dancing at the countryside)''
   
 
'''Bert:''' ''(singing) ''Ain't it a glorious day? / Right as a morning in May...
 
'''Bert:''' ''(singing) ''Ain't it a glorious day? / Right as a morning in May...
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'''Lara:''' What does Mr. Powell do?
 
'''Lara:''' What does Mr. Powell do?
   
'''Mr. Pimms:''' He's a lawyer. I'm his law clerk.
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'''Mr. Pimms:''' He's a lawyer. I'm his law class.
   
 
'''Lara:''' A lawyer?
 
'''Lara:''' A lawyer?
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''(The robber is creeped out)''
 
''(The robber is creeped out)''
   
'''Robber:''' You know, actually, I'm good. I'm just go...I'm just gonna... ''(Walks away to leave the house)''
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'''Robber:''' You know, actually, I'm good. I'm just go...I'm just gonna... ''(Leaves the house)''
   
 
'''Owner:''' ''(sing-song)'' Come back anytime.
 
'''Owner:''' ''(sing-song)'' Come back anytime.
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''(Cut back to the movie. The action scene is still going on. Lara fights against the commandos while swinging on her bungee rope)''
 
''(Cut back to the movie. The action scene is still going on. Lara fights against the commandos while swinging on her bungee rope)''
   
'''NC:''' Boy, John Woo's reboot of ''Babe: Pig in the City'' is a lot more intense that I thought it'd be. ''(The climax scene from ''Babe: Pig in the City'' is shown briefly)''
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'''NC:''' Boy, John Woo's rebooted ''Babe: Pig in the City'' is a lot more intense that I thought it'd be. ''(The climax scene from ''Babe: Pig in the City'' is shown briefly)''
   
 
''(Bryce is shown having locked himself in a room from the danger, while several gunshots are shot around the door)''
 
''(Bryce is shown having locked himself in a room from the danger, while several gunshots are shot around the door)''
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'''NC:''' Just in case he can fly!
 
'''NC:''' Just in case he can fly!
   
'''NC (vo):''' This action is a lot of fun and it looks great, but I'm not exactly sure what's up with this shot.
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'''NC (vo):''' This action is a lot of fun and it looks great, but I'm not exactly sure what is up with this shot.
   
 
''(Lara has been sitting on one of the roof corners. She jumps down from it, shown through various lightning flashes)''
 
''(Lara has been sitting on one of the roof corners. She jumps down from it, shown through various lightning flashes)''
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'''NC:''' ''(confused) ''Was she turning into a werewolf?
 
'''NC:''' ''(confused) ''Was she turning into a werewolf?
   
'''NC (vo):''' Or maybe it's one of those comedic routines where the person changes every time the light goes out.
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'''NC (vo):''' Or maybe it's one of those comedic routines where the person changes when the lights go out.
   
 
''(The scene is shown again, with Lara's head being briefly replaced by a Photoshopped head of Mr. Bean amid the lightning flashes. Lara continues fighting against the commandos)''
 
''(The scene is shown again, with Lara's head being briefly replaced by a Photoshopped head of Mr. Bean amid the lightning flashes. Lara continues fighting against the commandos)''
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''(The commandos are shown with dubbed dialogue being delivered by Doug and [[Chris Stuckmann]] acting out as their red guard characters, Harry and Frank, from'' [[Star Wars: The Last Jedi]]'')''
 
''(The commandos are shown with dubbed dialogue being delivered by Doug and [[Chris Stuckmann]] acting out as their red guard characters, Harry and Frank, from'' [[Star Wars: The Last Jedi]]'')''
   
'''Commando #1 (Harry):''' ''(laughs) ''Fire! Fire! Fire!
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'''Commando #1 (Harry):''' ''(Laughs) ''Fire! Fire! Fire!
   
 
'''Commando #2 (Frank):''' Uh, dammit, Harry, stop shooting at us.
 
'''Commando #2 (Frank):''' Uh, dammit, Harry, stop shooting at us.
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'''NC (vo):''' Lara watches as the competition tries to get the triangle, but she puts together that ''(imitating Sallah from ''Raiders of the Lost Ark'')'' they're digging in the wrong place.
 
'''NC (vo):''' Lara watches as the competition tries to get the triangle, but she puts together that ''(imitating Sallah from ''Raiders of the Lost Ark'')'' they're digging in the wrong place.
   
'''Lara:''' That is not the true eye. We can do it my way, or we can all come back in time for the next alignment, and you're welcome to try and kill me then. In... ''(looks at her wrist)'' ooh, I'd say, another 5,000 years.
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'''Lara:''' That is not the true eye. We can do it my way, or we can all come back in time for the next alignment, and you're welcome to try and kill me then. In... ''(looks at her wrist)'' ooh, I'd say, another, 5,000 years.
   
 
'''NC:''' ''(as Lara)'' Only my lips will still be around by that point.
 
'''NC:''' ''(as Lara)'' Only my lips will still be around by that point.
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''(The giant stone statues in the temple come to life, and the group shoots at them)''
 
''(The giant stone statues in the temple come to life, and the group shoots at them)''
   
'''NC:''' Um...okay, this is a little ''[[Disney Afternoon|TaleSpin]]''-ish, but I'm still on board.
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'''NC:''' Um...okay, this is a little ''[[Disney Afternoon|TailSpin]]''-ish, but I'm still on board.
   
 
''(As Lara fights the statues, Powell grabs a member of his group to shield himself, and the member is killed after getting hit by a spear)''
 
''(As Lara fights the statues, Powell grabs a member of his group to shield himself, and the member is killed after getting hit by a spear)''
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'''NC (vo):''' ...from something so gigantic and huge and going to kill them, but, at the same time, I can't argue: it is still kind of cool.
 
'''NC (vo):''' ...from something so gigantic and huge and going to kill them, but, at the same time, I can't argue: it is still kind of cool.
   
'''NC:''' In fact, I might as well do a "I don't know why, that's just cool" count.
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'''NC:''' In fact, I might as well do "I don't know why, that's just cool" count.
   
''(The "I Don't Know Why, That's Just COOL" count pops up with a ding and number 1, with the old man shrugging in confusion and the sound clip of Otto Mann from ''[[Top 11 Simpsons Episodes|The Simpsons]] ''saying "Cool!" being heard. Lara shoots the statue's face with guns in both hands)''
+
''(The "I Don't Know Why, That's Just COOL" count pops up with a ding and number 1, with the old man shrugging in confusion and the sound clip of Otto Mann from ''The Simpsons ''saying "Cool!" being heard. Lara shoots the statue's face with guns in both hands)''
   
 
'''NC (vo):''' After using all her ammo on one face, he easily switches to another.
 
'''NC (vo):''' After using all her ammo on one face, he easily switches to another.
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'''Lara:''' Are you going to shoot me, Alex?
 
'''Lara:''' Are you going to shoot me, Alex?
   
''(She jumps off the waterfall. Alex sighs in resentment. Cut to a clip from ''The Fugitive'', showing Deputy Marshal Samuel Gerard (Tommy Lee Jones) speaking to Cosmo Renfro after Kimble has leapt off the dam to escape)''
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''(She jumps off the waterfall. Alex sighs in resentment. Cut to a clip from ''The Fugitive'', showing Deputy Marshal Samuel Gerard (Tommy Lee Jones) speaking to Cosmo Renfro after Kimble has lept off the dam to escape)''
   
 
'''Gerard:''' ''(overdubbed by NC)'' She did a [[Peter Pan|Wendy Darling]] right here off of this dam, right here!
 
'''Gerard:''' ''(overdubbed by NC)'' She did a [[Peter Pan|Wendy Darling]] right here off of this dam, right here!
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''(Lara takes off the bandage off her hand to discover there is no wound on it)''
 
''(Lara takes off the bandage off her hand to discover there is no wound on it)''
   
'''NC:''' ''(shakes head)'' Why is magic healing tea harder for me to go along with than...
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'''NC:''' ''(shakes head)'' Why is magic healing tea harder for me to go along with them...
   
 
''(A previous action scene is shown)''
 
''(A previous action scene is shown)''
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'''NC (vo; sighs):''' Time travel, huh? You're pushing your dumb a little, movie.
 
'''NC (vo; sighs):''' Time travel, huh? You're pushing your dumb a little, movie.
   
''(The "Level of Dumb" line chart pops up below NC, with posters for ''[[Demolition Man]]'' and ''[[The Emoji Movie]]'' appearing on each end of it)''
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''(The "Level of Dumb" line chart pops up below NC, with posters for ''[[Demolition Man]]'' and ''The Emoji Movie'' appearing on each end of it)''
   
 
'''NC:''' This level of dumb is okay, this level of dumb is not, and you're somewhere at this level of dumb. ''(The poster for ''[[Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull]]'' is shaking between the other posters)''
 
'''NC:''' This level of dumb is okay, this level of dumb is not, and you're somewhere at this level of dumb. ''(The poster for ''[[Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull]]'' is shaking between the other posters)''
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'''NC (vo):''' Oh, what do I care when this shot is up next?
 
'''NC (vo):''' Oh, what do I care when this shot is up next?
   
''(Everybody walks away from the helicopters in slow-motion to techno music, with the camera focusing closely on Lara walking. The "That's Just COOL" count is upped to 5)''
+
''(Everybody walk away from the helicopters in slow-motion to techno music. And, if you'll look closely, you'll see Lara's breasts shaking slightly. The "That's Just COOL" count is upped to 5)''
   
 
'''NC:''' That's so cool, Arnold Schwarzenegger almost [[Batman & Robin|made an ice pun about it]].
 
'''NC:''' That's so cool, Arnold Schwarzenegger almost [[Batman & Robin|made an ice pun about it]].
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''(Lara encounters a Siberian girl, who's speaking Russian. Editor's note: it's really bad Russian)''
 
''(Lara encounters a Siberian girl, who's speaking Russian. Editor's note: it's really bad Russian)''
   
'''Siberian Girl:''' ''(speaking Russian)'' Don't go. You're risking everything. To see him again. Your father.
+
'''Syberian Girl:''' ''(speaking Russian)'' Don't go. You're risking everything. To see him again. Your father.
   
 
'''NC (vo):''' And, once again, the kid disappears.
 
'''NC (vo):''' And, once again, the kid disappears.
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''(NC hesitates as the "Level of Dumb" chart pops up again, but this time with the poster for ''[[Fantastic Four |Fantastic Four'' (2005)'']]'' in the middle. Lara retrieves the last half of the Triangle of Light, and Powell kills the Illuminati leader, but when he tries to complete the Triangle, the halves do not fuse)''
 
''(NC hesitates as the "Level of Dumb" chart pops up again, but this time with the poster for ''[[Fantastic Four |Fantastic Four'' (2005)'']]'' in the middle. Lara retrieves the last half of the Triangle of Light, and Powell kills the Illuminati leader, but when he tries to complete the Triangle, the halves do not fuse)''
   
'''NC (vo):''' Truth be told, this is where the movie starts to flounder a little bit. It's already a little tough to follow what this thing does or how it works, so when Powell kills the leader of the Illuminati to take its power, we don't really know what that power is. Is it just time travel? If so, how is it harnessed and what was Powell or the Illuminati's plan for it? It sounds like they already control everything, and the soldiers are clearly okay with Powell ruling them, so what's really gonna change? Well, it looks like even Powell is confused about how it works, so he forces Lara to figure it out, using some 00 leverage.
+
'''NC (vo):''' Truth be told, this is where the movie starts to flounder a little bit. It's already a little tough to follow what this thing does or how it works, so when Powell kills the leader of the Illuminati to take its power, we don't really know what that power is. Is it just time travel? If so, how is it harnessed and what was Powell or the Illuminati's plan for it? It sounds like they already control everything, and the soldiers are clearly okay with Powell ruling them, so what's really gonna change? Well, it looks like even Powell is confused about how it works, so he forces Lara to figure it out, using some double-o leverage.
   
 
''(In order to persuade Lara to complete the Triangle, he twirls a knife and throws it into Alex's chest. Alex slowly falls into the water)''
 
''(In order to persuade Lara to complete the Triangle, he twirls a knife and throws it into Alex's chest. Alex slowly falls into the water)''
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'''NC:''' Wow, he seemed so bored and disinterested in being stabbed. That's the Daniel Craig I remember!
 
'''NC:''' Wow, he seemed so bored and disinterested in being stabbed. That's the Daniel Craig I remember!
   
'''NC (vo):''' And apparently, it's spreading, because even Lara seems pretty meh about him getting axed.
+
'''NC (vo):''' And apparently, it's spreading, because even Lara seems pretty mad about him getting axed.
   
 
''(Lara breathes heavily for some seconds)''
 
''(Lara breathes heavily for some seconds)''
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'''NC:''' ''(chuckles)'' Wow! Those guards must be so confused!
 
'''NC:''' ''(chuckles)'' Wow! Those guards must be so confused!
   
'''NC (vo; as one of the soldiers):''' Did you throw the knife away from him, and it landed in his chest? Oh, well. ''(as all of the soldiers)'' Hail Lara! The Wicked Witch is dead!
+
'''NC (vo; as one of the soldiers):''' Did you throw the knife away from him, and it landed in his chest? Oh, well. ''(as all of the soldiers)'' Hey-o, Lara, the Wicked Witch is dead!
   
 
''(Everyone turns to leave, but...)''
 
''(Everyone turns to leave, but...)''
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'''NC (vo; as Powell):''' You know, I think that stab actually made me feel better.
 
'''NC (vo; as Powell):''' You know, I think that stab actually made me feel better.
   
''(He twirls his knife, satisfied, and prepares to hit Lara, but is blocked by her)''
+
(''He twirls his knife, satisfied, and prepares to hit Lara, but is blocked by her)''
   
 
'''NC (vo; as Powell):''' Oh! Foiled by my need to flip things! I feel like that's kind of both our weaknesses.
 
'''NC (vo; as Powell):''' Oh! Foiled by my need to flip things! I feel like that's kind of both our weaknesses.
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''(The next shot is her controlling the Huskies to the exit as the cave collapses)''
 
''(The next shot is her controlling the Huskies to the exit as the cave collapses)''
   
'''NC:''' Mmmmmm...yeah, okay.
+
'''NC:''' Mmmmmm... Yeah, okay.
   
 
''("That's just COOL" count appears once more with the number 7 and a ding)''
 
''("That's just COOL" count appears once more with the number 7 and a ding)''
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[[Category:Content]]
 
[[Category:Content]]
 
[[Category:Guides]]
 
[[Category:Guides]]
[[Category:Nostalgia Critic]]
 
[[Category:Paramount Pictures]]
 
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