So, I’m sitting there, tending bar, when in walks one of my favorite customers ever, Lara Croft.
Now, I don’t need to tell you why she’s my favorite customer. Every time she walks in, my mushroom gets harder than the Lost Levels on Super Mario Bros. But I digress.
So, she comes in, and I notice she… she looks a little different.
And I ask her, I said, “Ms. Croft, did you do something different to your hair?”
And she says, “No, no, but there’s definitely something different.”
And I say, “What is it? I-I can’t put my finger on it.”
She says she got a breast reduction.
Well, like that, you could hear a pin drop in the bar because it became so quiet. The only thing I could hear was a collective gasp of men just go “Huh!”
You see, when Lara enters the room, everybody listens. And… often does other things, but I won’t go into that.
So, the idea of her getting a breast reduction is just shocking and I said, “Ms. Croft, what-what convinced you to do such a thing?!”
She said, “Well, I never wanted it anyway. In fact, the whole idea, the whole get-up and everything, it wasn’t my idea.”
And I say, “How do you mean?”
She says, “Well, it all started when I was just a lowly archaeologist. And I did not look like how I do now. I had glasses, buck teeth, bad hair, the whole package.”
So, she told me that she read in the paper that they were looking for a female archaeologist for this game called Tomb Raider. The only thing is she had to be strong, she had to know martial arts, and she had to know weapons. Well, luckily, her father used to go hunting with Dick Cheney. So, she knew all that stuff.
So, she showed up. She was more qualified than most of the other women there. But, they said that she needed to be improved.
And she said, “Well, how do you mean ‘improved?’”
And they said, “Well, uhm…” (Placing hands over chest) “enhanced.”
And she said, “What do you mean ‘enhanced?’”
They said, “We’re gonna make you more anatomically incorrect than a Barbie doll.”
And she goes, “Oh! Oh, okay. I got it.”
So, they give her a makeover. They get rid of the glasses, give her some dental work. Well, obviously the game was a big hit and they wanted her to do more.
But with that came a certain sacrifice. You see, they told her that with every game, her breasts had to get bigger. And in between the first and second games, they actually made them so big that in one level they served as a flotation device in the river. By the time they were done, it looked like she was hiding two Hindenburgs. I mean, they were just gigantic.
She said kids were jumping on them like they were trampolines!
They used to joke that some of the Warp Zones for Super Mario 3 were stuck in her cleavage!
In fact, a lot of things were getting stuck in her cleavage! They found Donkey Kong, Jr., Earthworm Jim, Alucard from Castlevania 3.
So, she said, “Enough is enough. When people start disappearing in my breasts, I think they’re too big.”
So, she decided to have them reduced.
…The only downside is, the first time she did, they deflated like balloons.
Before, people kept getting lost in ‘em. Now, people start tripping over ‘em.
So, she finally said, “Alright, alright! Just get ‘em to a large size, but just not too large.”
And so, by the last game she was in, they were finally a decent size.
But now, she got them even smaller. I mean, she practically looked flat-chested!
And so, of course, I had to ask her. I said, “What made you want to make them even smaller, though? I mean, they were a decent size by the last game.”
And she says, “Well… I found out about this code in one of the games where you could actually play me naked.”
And she said even though she found it out much later, that was the final straw for her. She just couldn’t stand to be a sex object and nothing else.
And then Samus from the other table came over and said, “Oy, I had a problem similar to that! You want me to track him down? You want me to track down the guy who did that?”
And I told her, “No! You don’t wanna deal with that!”
And then she brought up a point to me I never thought about before.
She says, “You know, you ever realize that the smaller and smaller my breasts get in the games, the less successful the games are? I mean, the games just aren’t as good as the first one! Like every single time my breasts shrink, people don’t pay as much attention to the game play or how to make it a better game.”
And I said, “Oh, that’s ridiculous. It’s just a long stroke of bad luck.”
…But then it didn’t really help that we opened the paper and we saw that there was an advertisement for Tomb Raider starring Lara Croft’s Breasts. Just her breasts and nothing else! Just a giant rack going around, shooting things, and trying to suffocate them by putting ‘em in her cleavage.
Well, Lara looked very destroyed by that. I mean, absolutely distraught by the whole thing.
…She then called Samus back and said, “Oy, what could you do, anyway?
And Samus said, “Lara, this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.”
|Transcripts for Video Game Confessions|
|2009:||MarioVGC · SonicVGC · SheikVGC · SamusVGC· PacmanVGC· LaraVGC· ConventionsVGC|
|2010:||DonkeyKongVGC · Duke NukemVGC · FoxMcCloudVGC· SnakeVGC · Snake Follow Up · Chell from Portal · Bonk|
|2011:||PrincessDaisyVGC · AngryBirdsVGC|
|DVD Exclusive:||BlankaVGC · FeliciaVGC · MegamanVGC · Sub-ZeroVGC|