(The Disneycember logo is shown, before showing clips from Lady and the Tramp (2019))
Doug (vo): Glad to know shitty remakes also extend to Disney+ now. Lady and the Tramp is the latest Disney live-action update that nobody asked for. Truth be told, I never really got that much into the original. I mean, I watched it a lot as a kid and enjoyed it, but outside of the animation, which is weirdly gorgeous...you kind of think they put more, like, The Aristocats' animation to a story like this, but, man, this has the elegance of, like, Cinderella for some reason...it always takes one of these crappy live-action reboots to make me realize there was more to it than I probably originally thought.
Doug (vo): The story is exactly the same. There's a little dog named Lady, and she comes across this stray who is called the Tramp. Their owners are having a baby, which confuses her, and it's all about her adapting and seeing this different lifestyle of living with a baby, but then going away from that lifestyle, living with the Tramp on the street, and all the different points of views. Only this time around, there's a big difference. Nothing is likeable.
Doug (vo): Take the animation, for example. At first, I wasn't really sure what to think of it, because...yeah, they really do move like dogs, and it's not quite like Cats & Dogs where they're clearly just filming dogs that have no direction and they just make the mouths move. Here, they clearly have real dogs, but at times, they switch them out with CG, and, yeah, I'll admit, it is kind of hard to tell which one's the CG dog, which one's the real dog, as they keep the movements pretty similar. At first, I thought that was kind of clever, but the more I watched it and during the emotional moments, they're trying to talk, and their heads are still kind of jerking around, and they're looking everywhere, and, yeah, it's like a dog, but it gets in the way of the heavier moments they're supposed to be going on.
(A clip focusing on Tramp's backstory is shown)
Doug (vo): Take this scene, for example, where we see the Tramp abandoned. It's a sad scene. The owner throws a bone and then gets back in the car and drives off, but look at him. He licks his mouth before he gives this sad look, and all I'm thinking to myself is, "Would an emotional, heartbroken dog do that?" I'm sure just the real dog did that and they're like, "Oh, keep it in, because it's like a real dog." But it's kind of like the live-action Lion King. They're going for more realism of the animal than realism of the character, and there is a balance, and they're not striking it right.
(Various clips resume showing, while some clips and images from the original are shown, too)
Doug (vo): By far, the biggest issue, though, is that everything that happens in this movie seems to have no weight. Most of the scenes done in the movie are done like in the last movie, usually in the same order. There's a little change here or there, but it's pretty much the same thing. But in the original, when something was said, a character really had to take it in. When they're told that Trusty can't smell, it's like a big deal. (Gasps) What? No! They gasp, they're shocked, and they're like, "Don't tell him. It would break his heart", and they have these sad faces. It's really a big thing. Here, they just say he can't smell, and they go about their day. When the baby's being born, you see this big shift in the adults and how they treat Lady and how Lady reacts to them, and she's not sure why, and, again, it really affects her. Here, she's just kind of curious, they tell her what's going on, and that's about it. It feels more like a pitch meeting than an actual movie, somebody just saying, "And then this happens, and then this happens, and then this happens." But there's little-to-no reaction of what's going on. They treat it more like a lame rom-com. And, yeah, it's weird that these live-action remakes make me realize it, but Lady and the Tramp was more than just a lame rom-com. There was this elegance to it, there was this beauty, there was this sophistication, there was this respect for the characters and the music and the scenes.
(Clips focusing on the human characters are shown)
Doug (vo): I guess I should talk a little about the casting in this movie, as you probably pick up really quickly, most of the people in this are people of color. Top of my head, I can remember seeing only one white guy, in the early 20th Century. When I saw the trailer, I thought this seemed a little forced and was gonna be distracting, but then, the more I thought about it, I didn't really mind if there's different ethnicities in fairy tales or Princess and the Frog, you know, where people are treated very different than what they're displaying. I guess I was a little surprised at how non-distracting it was. I don't know. It almost felt like a parallel universe, where just racial differences just wasn't a big deal. And, yeah, it's a movie with talking dogs. I'm not gonna be that focused on the realism of it.
(A clip focusing on this film's versions of Aunt Sarah's pet cats is shown, before resuming showing the human characters)
Doug (vo): Of course, it is a little funny that they take out "The Siamese Cat Song". They don't even have Siamese Cats in there. You know, you could've left them the same, just change the voices. Oh, I see. They're not bad enough for House of Mouse, but way too bad here. And they just replace their song with the most forgettable beat. I can't remember a thing about it. Honestly, a lot of this would matter less if any of the actors were...well, acting. Everyone has such a bland delivery in this, like they all have to be super-chipper and super-happy like a Hallmark card or something. The only one who has any personality is Aunt Sarah, and she's not in the movie for that long.
Doug (vo): But I guess that just matches the forgettable nature of the entire flick, because that's what it is, forgettable, boring, and unneeded. I know you're probably tired of me saying this whenever one of these remakes comes out, but if you want the better version, watch the better version. As for this Disney+ opus, I'm gonna go watch Mandalorian again.
(The famous scene of Tramp sharing a meatball to Lady during their dinner is shown)