Nch labyrinth

March 22, 2009
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(For the Nostalgia Critic's review of the movie, go here)

Nostalgia Chick: Hi, I'm your Nostalgia Chick and I think everyone probably remembers their first Bone...Bowie.

(picture of David Bowie from Labyrinth is shown while a choir sings the Hallelujah chorus from Handel's Messiah. Nostalgia Chick just waves herself in glee as "Magic Dance" plays in the background)

(Throughout opening monologue, scenes from the movie are shown)

NCh: I mean there is a time in every child's life when they start to suspect that there might be some physical differences between males and females, but young female viewers of the cult classic Labyrinth got more than affirmation: (in sexy whisper voice) they got David Bowie.

 That being only the most memorable thing in this hell stew of dribble, goblins, ugly babies, Don Quixote references, and pre-Academy Award Jennifer Connelly. And I dare you to go into a circle of any number of respectable nerds, and say the words," You remind me of the babe." withou- (Right on cue and interrupting NCh, Nella answers back offscreen, "What babe?" NCh goes along and says,"The babe with the power." Nella counters with, "What power?" still offscreen.) but aside from basically being a David Bowie-worshipping platform, the thing was a pretty legit effort from the Jim Henson Workshop. Even featuring a screenplay from a former Python. (Terry Jones.) But our protagonist here is young Sarah Williams, played by baby-Jennifer Connelly, as what it appears to be the loneliest LARP-er in town. And that's saying something for one's social skills. Or acting skills for that matter.

(Scene shows Sarah in field, and suddenly remembering that she has something to do at 7:00. Her dog runs with her. Throughout the next part, it shows more movie scenes featuring Sarah and her family.)

NCh: Run away! the rain is starting! Sarah lives with her father and step-mother, whom she releases her annoying rage quite frequently apparently. Sarah is upset because she can't LARP always and has to babysit her-

(Stops, realizes that some people have no idea what LARP is.)

NCh: I glean that some of you may not have heard what LARPing is. Well for the uninitiated, LARPing is Live Action Role Playing. (Each word comes with hand gesture and ascending musical note for emphasis.) For those who think that Dungeons and Dragons isn't hardcore enough. If you want to learn more, just Youtube search: Lightning bolt.

("Lightning Bolt" is played, with NCh awkwardly clapping at end)

(More movie slips are shown with Sarah and her baby step-brother, Toby.)

NCh: Somehow the pirate baby got one of her teddy-bears, which really cheeses Sarah off.

(Scene shows Connelly doing a not great delivery of her line)

NCh: Well I hate YOUR acting. Unfortunately, there seem to be a bunch of goblin voyeurs in everyone's closet, waiting for her to wish the baby away correctly.

(Scene shows Sarah lifiting Toby up and saying the wrong command, with the goblins complaining about it not even starting with,"I wish.")

NCh:(Confused) Except for the fact that it totally does? (Shrugs at the goblin's exasperation.) Somehow she manages to get it right and then-

(Scene shows David Bowie in all his bulging glory, while Handel's Messiah plays in the background. NCh looks incredibly aroused and happy. Scene continues with Bowie and Connelly talking.)

NCh: That hair! Ground control to Major Tom! Now I believe in Modern Love! Ziggy play guitar? I think there was a study once about how 60% of the girls in America lost their virginity soley from watching David Bowie in this movie. Though it's got to be a little wonky having someone wave balls in front of your face.

(NCh smirks, knowing the euphemism.)

NCh: Get used to it kids, there's going to be an awful lot of that in this review.

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