(The Disneycember logo is shown, before showing clips from Kronk's New Groove)
Doug (vo): So there's two movies everybody was warning me about when I was beginning doing these direct-to-DVD sequels. One was the third Beauty and the Beast, and you can rightfully see why. And the second was Kronk's New Groove. This is one of the Disney sequels everybody points to when they want to say how bad they can get. And...yeah. It's not good. It's just a bunch of unfunny stories with unfunny jokes. I guess it's a little difficult to be offended when it's obviously not trying that hard. I mean, don't get me wrong, there's obviously money thrown into the animation, and it...moves a lot. But the slapstick is pretty dull, the jokes all fall flat, and I just felt like I watched a whole bunch of nothing.
Story
Doug (vo): The film centers around the henchman Kronk, played by Patrick Warburton. He's nervous because his disapproving father is coming in to visit, and thus, we go into three different stories about...God, what were they again? The evil villain (Yzma) wants him back as a henchman, a romance that blooms with a counselor, and him trying to convince his father that he has everything he's been looking for. All of them are pretty forgettable.
Review
Doug (vo): I guess, on the one hand, I can see why people would be so upset, because a lot of people really liked the first movie. I just kind of thought it was okay. But to its credit, it had a lot more laughs than this movie does. In fact, half the movie is just trying to cash in on those laughs again. Remember the devil and angel in the first one? They do that, like, 20 times in this. Hell, even little kids get an angel and devil, and half the jokes don't make any sense. The devil makes fun of the angel because he wears a dress. They all wear dresses! It's the time period! Some of these jokes have great build-up, but no payoff.
(The scene about to be described is shown)
Doug (vo): When Kronk is about to be reunited with the villain, there's all these jokes about "Beware the cat", "The cat's gonna get you", and all these other feline jokes. Obviously, they're building up that the villain is still gonna be a cat, which is a funny idea, this little cat bossing him around and trying to do all these evil things, that's funny. But, no. All she has is a tail. How is that humorous? That's not fun. How much funnier would it be if this whole story happened while she was a cat, a teeny-tiny cat? That'd be a lot more humorous.
(Several characters are shown)
Doug (vo): On top of that, there's a lot of great talent that they got for this movie. Patrick Warburton, Eartha Kitt, Tracey Ullman, John Mahoney, John Goodman. These are all funny voices that belong to funny actors, yet none of them are allowed to be funny. They just kind of show up, say the lines, and say them well, they're just not funny lines to say. There's even a totally pointless cameo from David Spade as the emperor. He literally just comes in to say he's in the movie, nothing else. And he'll come in, say a few lines, and then just disappear. Hell, the way I'm describing that sounds funnier than how they actually do it. It's just kind of confusing and awkwardly done. The slapstick is also kind of boring. They just kind of bounce around and move in exaggerated ways, but it doesn't feel like there's any focus or control. There's just big movements going on because that's what kids like to watch, right? Right?
Final thought
Doug (vo): So, okay, obviously, this is not a good movie. Is it god-awful? Um...I don't know. I guess it kind of depends. Maybe because I've seen so many bad comedies that really hurt after a joke is told, I don't see this one as offensive. It's kind of like a joke you see on Family Guy or an Adam Sandler movie, where when it's told and it's bad, it's really bad, like you're put in a bad mood. Here, to its credit, the movie seems so determined to get itself over with as soon as possible that the jokes kind of fly by. They never linger, there's no awkward pauses, it's just kind of joke, joke, joke, joke, joke, and then the movie's done. It clearly doesn't have that much to say or what it does have to say, it doesn't try that hard at. So, for me, it's just one of those movies that goes in one ear and out the other. Yeah, I wish it could've been better, because the villains, I thought, were the best part of the first movie, but for what it is, it's just...bad. Not the worst, not insulting, just...bad. If you have little kids that just want to see cartoons bouncing, I guess it's fine. But if you're a fan of The Emperor's New Groove or even not a fan, I recommend just watching a funny Looney Tunes. Dance away from this as fast as you can.
(A scene showing the characters dancing is shown)