Kim Possible

Kim possible nc.jpg

July 10, 2019
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(The Channel Awesome logo and opening titles play. Then open on a castle, where Dr. Drakken (played by NC) has Kim Possible (played by Aiyanna) covered in chains)

Drakken: (laughs evilly) Now, Kim Possible, it appears I have you in my clutches once more!

Kim: (calmly) Well, beats doing homework.

Drakken: Yes. (looks confused) Not...not one of your better quips, (shakes head) but whatevs. (points offscreen) Shego!

(Shego (played by Heather) stands by, reading a strategy guide for the game Splinter Cell; it's covering her face)

Drakken: Use the laser beam to blast her to itsy-Kimmy pieces!

Shego: (putting down guide, revealing her face, and looking frustrated) Why? It's just literally going to backfire like everything else.

Drakken: You know, this is why you didn't get a gift for Administrative Professionals Day.

(Shego lazily presses a button on the nearby panel, which activates a metal gun that aims at Kim. Drakken laughs maniacally)

Kim: Well, you know what they say: laser beam there, done that.

Drakken: Okay, I really don't remember your one-liners being so dollar-store.

(A crash sound is heard, and a girl named Athena (played by Tamara) jumps in, wearing a purple shirt)

Shego: (puts the guide away, annoyed) What? Who's this?

Athena: I'm Athena, Kim's new sidekick.

Drakken: What?! You're not a regular! Where's Ron Stoppable?

(Athena takes out a phone, on which we hear a voice)

Ron (voiced by Doug): (via phone) KP, I ate my own feet.

Shego: Wow, was he always that useless?

Drakken: Shego! Make her go green!

(As Drakken laughs, Shego makes a blast with her powers, but Athena takes out a mirror which reflects the blow, redirecting it into Kim's chains, destroying them)

Drakken: Dah!

Shego: Hey!

(Shego presses another button on the panel. Athena quickly grabs Kim and runs away before they are hit by a gun. Shego grunts in annoyance)

Drakken: Ooh! You may have won this round, but face the fire of my diabolical- (Suddenly, he sees Kim crying loudly and being comforted by Athena, who strokes her head. Drakken becomes confused) What? What is this? What's happening?

Athena: Can't you see she's upset that someone saved the day cooler than her?!

Drakken: ...What?

Kim: (in tears) Yeah, that trick with the mirror was, like, so cool! And everyone at school's gonna think (gestures towards Athena) you're the big hero!

Drakken: That was, cool thing she did. You have years of cool things you did. Nobody at school is gonna care!

Kim: (grabs a mirror from Athena) Tell Shego to blast me again!

Drakken: Come again?

Kim: I'm putting this mission in jeopardy just so I can get the glory!

Drakken: Okay, Kim, don't take this the wrong way, but you're, like, "totes pathets" right now. You used to be more of a challenge!

Kim: No! I want the attention! I want the attention...! (continues bawling)

(And then NC breaks character)

NC: Okay, timeout.

Director (Malcolm): Cut! (A studio bell is heard ringing as he comes in, wearing sunglasses) Critic, what is it, baby?

Kim: (now calm) Yeah, what's going on?

NC: Well, um, when I said I wanted to recreate Kim Possible, I thought we were actually going to...recreate Kim Possible.

Director: Critic, you need to chillax out, baby. This is totally Kim Possible.

NC: Is it? It sure doesn't feel that way.

(The footage from the popular 2000s show is played, mostly focusing on two TV movies)

NC (vo): I remember Kim Possible being an early 2000s Disney series that was a satire of spy and superhero cliches. While it was mainly for kids, it had a ton of tongue-in-cheek humor for adults. With hilarious villains, a unique art style, and at the center, a hero everybody wanted to be: cool, confident, had all the one-liners and always finding fun ways to kick ass.

NC: I don't know anyone who'd want to be...this.

Kim: Hit me! Hit me! (acting angrily) I want you to do it! Hit me!!

Director: Critic, you don't understand. This is the new Kim Possible.

NC: New Kim Possible?

Athena: Yeah, a more emotional Kim, high school drama, new sidekicks...

NC: New sidekicks? What happened to the one you had before?

(Athena takes out a phone again)

Ron: (via phone) KP, I'm in my own stomach. Save me.

NC: This is gonna suck, isn't it?

Director: This is Disney, baby.

Kim: (smiling) Yeah, when have they done anything wrong recently?

(All three shrug at NC, who glances at the camera, understanding this will be hard to sit through. The title for the 2019 Kim Possible movie is shown, followed by clips)

NC (vo): Kim Possible: The Movie premiered on the Disney Channel in February of 2019, 17 years after the premiere of the hit animated show. The fans were skeptical, though they tried to keep an open mind, as it kind of looked like the show, seemed to follow the same ideas. Plus, it's the same channel that made it before. That's gotta be a good sign when the same creative force goes back to a nostalgic property, (Photos of Steven Spielberg, Ridley Scott, John Landis and George Lucas are shown) right? Right? Right?! RIGHT--?!! When it did premiere, fans were less than Kim-pressed, with many calling it a slower, awkward and unfunny rendition of the crime-fighting teen they grew up with. I'll only admit, I only started really watching Kim Possible about a year ago, so I don't really have the nostalgia goggles a lot of other fans may have. I know it's a kids' show, I know changes need to be made for live-action, and I'm open to a different interpretation, if it works.

NC: (returns to his usual spot in his normal attire) But that indeed raises the question: does it work?

(Cut to the director and Athena calming down the sobbing Kim in the doors)

Director: Baby, don't listen to him! You're empowering kids everywhere!

Athena: That's right. Now, how about a makeover?

Kim: (happily) Ooh! I love makeovers! (The three cheerfully skip away)

Director: Oh, baby, yeah!

NC: (sighs in disappointment) This is the Kim Possible movie.

(The movie starts)

NC (vo): The film opens with a narration from Kim.

Kim: (narrating) A few years ago, I accidentally received a distress call. I was done with my homework, so...I answered it.

NC: (as Kim) Bearing in mind if I wasn't, I'd just let people die.

(Professor Dementor, who's played by Patton Oswalt (the actor who voiced the character in the original show), approaches the captured Dr. Glopman (Patrick Sabongui), a scientist who has the disintegrating slime he needs)

NC (vo): Oh, someone had a kid who watched the show and wouldn't talk to him unless he was in the movie version.

Dementor: (with a German accent) Success! The world is mine!

NC (vo): Patton Oswalt plays Professor Dementor. A different-looking, but still pretty authentic representation of the original.

Dementor: My dear Dr. Glopman.

NC: (as Dementor) I heard you were thinking about not seeing the 2016 Ghostbusters reboot?!

(Kim Possible, played by Sadie Stanley, arrives via her jetpack)

Kim: (narrating) I save the world. Who am I? I'm Kim Possible.

NC (vo): Kim is played by Sadie Stanley, a relative newcomer, who I can see having a decent career outside of this. But here, it's kind of an awkward Kim Possible.

(Cut to a later scene)

Kim and Athena: (in unison) Focus, Ron.

(As Athena chuckles at Kim, the latter has a confused reaction, accompanied by texts: "Happy?", "Maybe?", "I dunno.", "I guess laugh.", "Stopping now.", and the show's logo)

NC: You can't blame her too much, as I'm sure a lot of factors played into this.

NC (vo): Directing, writing, and, of course, Disney wanting their live-action cool characters to be cool to a fault.

(Shots of various Disney characters having an exaggerated expression on their faces are shown: Rapunzel, Anna, Aladdin, Joy, Ariel, the main characters from the trailer of Toy Story 4, Belle, Mulan and Violet Parr)

NC (vo): In animation, Disney allows their cool characters to be...well, animated, with big expressions, wild takes, and an understanding that in order to be funny, you have to either have a mocking cynical edge, a relatable vulnerability that can be mocked, or both.

(Now we cut to the live-action Disney characters: Cinderella, Belle, the cast of Camp Rock, Hannah Montana, the main characters from Even Stevens and Wizards of Waverly Place, Pete's Dragon (2016) and Alice from Alice Through the Looking Glass)

NC (vo): Their live-action cool characters don't usually do that, especially on the Disney Channel. They're more like role models you'd see on Full House: bland and forgettable. There's one to two exceptions that work in a little bit more extreme goofiness, but, for the most part, they have to stay in the harmless Disney mold.

(Clips of Kim in the original show are played)

NC (vo): Now, that's not to say Kim was deep or complex, but she was essentially Superman or James Bond, the cool person who did cool things you aspired to be.

NC: But you want to be that person because she leaves an impression on you.

NC (vo): Kim could get angry, cynical, paranoid, which not only made her funny, but made her all the more cool when she overcame those weaknesses.

(Back to the film)

NC (vo): This is just a generic happy teen, someone you forget, even if she did save you from a tub of radioactive slime.

(We cut to a later scene)

Kim: Come on, doc, we gotta get out of here.

NC: (as Glopman, cheerfully, then quizzically) Thank you...I want to say...Jeff?

(Ron Stoppable, played by Sean Giambrone, arrives to help Kim)

NC (vo): Ron Stoppable, ironically, is the exact opposite problem. He's actually too good.

NC: This kid's impression is insane. If you were to close your eyes and listen to him and the voice actor, you couldn't tell which was which!

Ron (Live-Action): When I told you that one time I'd jump off a cliff for you, I didn't expect it to happen.

Ron (Animated): Why not be more like me, relaxed, laid-back?

Ron (Live-Action): (livestreaming) This is Kim Possible. We're both a little cranky after saving the world last night.

Ron (Animated): They're writing something in finger paint. Uh, is that how that's spelled?

NC (vo): But that's the thing. This isn't a cartoon, it's live-action. And a voice in a cartoon and a voice in real life are two very different things. Ron's voice, even in animation, was a lot to take in. But it always balanced out, because the writing for him was still clever enough to get a laugh.

(The clip from an episode "Big Job" is shown, with Ron interrupting Kim and Shego's fight by driving in a car)

Ron: Kim, I'll keep circling, there's nowhere to park! (drives off)

Shego: (to Kim) You, too?

NC (vo): The writing for him do I say this?...hurts.

(In the film, we cut to a later clip of Ron in Bueno Nacho)

Ron: I don't know if you know this about me, but when I grow up, I want to be a dog.

NC: Well, that's in the universe forever.

(Kim's aide, a computer genius named Wade (Issac Ryan Brown), is first shown in his room as always, getting in contact with Kim over the Kimmunicator whenever they need information from him)

NC (vo): They're helped out by Wade, a much younger and slimmed down version compared to the show, who's the computer hacker that helps out behind the scenes.

Wade: Kim? I've got a target lock. Professor Dementor has the scientist chained up on level 6.

NC: (as Wade, holding a binder) I also found a better script! Apparently, it's for an unused Spy Kids episode, but I don't think anyone would notice.

(In Dementor's base, the latter sadly observes that the disintegrating smile is not of the form he wanted)

Dementor: Why is it turning all pink und sparkly? I cannot take over the world with the pink und the sparkles.

NC: (waves hand) Hitler said the same thing.

(Kim and Ron walk down stairs and into the lair)

NC (vo): Kim interrupts his plan with this great zinger...

Kim: Slime's up, Professor Dementor.

NC: (hands crossed, annoyed) This was the script for Baby Geniuses 5, wasn't it?

NC (vo): her and Ron start taking them down.

(Kim and Ron fight Dementor's henchmen. One of them faces Kim and the screen splits in two, with Kim below)

Kim: Ron, grapple me.

(Kim receives the grappling hook and ties up the henchman, as the screen splits again, showing Dementor's surprised reaction)

NC: (snickers) Okay. We all love Ang Lee's The Hulk... (Rotten Tomatoes' score to this film (29%) is briefly shown)

NC (vo): ...but I don't think that's the best movie to model after.

(Kim knocks the henchman down, as he falls on Dementor with the Wilhelm Scream being heard)

NC (vo): Oh, no! Henchman Wilhelm is down!

(Dementor manages to press the button that starts off the countdown to the self-destruction. Kim and Ron lead Dr. Glopman to the roof)

Wade: Kim, 30 seconds till self-destruct!

NC (vo): The scientist is rescued, as they try to get him to safety.

Glopman: (wearing a jetpack and preparing for liftoff) From now on, I will only use my slime for the good of humanity.

NC: That man should get an Oscar for how damn seriously he took that line.

(What follows is the sequence recreating most of the original show's intro: Kim doing back flips in Bueno Nacho, Ron pushing her away from cheerleading, him losing his pants, etc.)

NC (vo): We get a recreation of the show's intro can tell there's an attempt to make this relatively close to the original source material.

Kim: (as the corresponding animated clip is shown) So, what's the sitch?

(The film's title is shown)

Sadie Stanley: (singing) Call me, beep me, if you wanna reach me.

(Next, we're shown the Possible family, or, to be exact, Kim's mother Ann and father James)

NC (vo): The missed opportunities, though, are seen pretty quickly after, with the reveal of Kim's parents: Ann, played by Alyson Hannigan, and James, played by Matthew Clarke. Completely fine choices, I guess, but...

NC: ...why wasn't it the voice actors of Kim and Ron?

NC (vo): Christy Carlson Romano and Will Friedle are not only around the proper age, (The animated clip of Ann and James is shown) but they do kind of look like them. It would have been such a great in-joke.

NC: And there's another problem, too, that may sound a little nitpicky, but bear with me here...Kim Possible's mom looks more like Kim Possible than Kim Possible does.

NC (vo): Again, it's minor, but when you're thinking the mother of the lead would have been a much better lead...

NC: Well, that's just straight up Judy Garland syndrome. (The photo of Judy Garland and her daughter, Liza Minnelli, who look almost similar to each other, is shown)

NC (vo): Speaking of which, her mom sees if Kim is properly prepared for her first day of high school.

(Kim, giggling, opens a closet, from which dozens of costumes come out)

Kim: I picked out and sorted all of my outfits for the month.

NC: So Kim Possible is now Cher from Clueless. (After a pause, he nods) Yeah. Yeah. That sounds about right. Yeah, sure. What are you doing--?

Ann: Sit down, my little hummingbird. (sighs) My sweet girl.

NC (vo; as Kim): Girl Boss to you. (chuckles) We certainly haven't dated this.

Ann: It's okay if you don't figure it all out on the first day.

Kim: It's just high school. How hard can it be?

NC: (smiling) Easier than writing a line more original than "how hard could it be".

(On her way, Kim sees two mothers talking on the sidewalk, one of them letting go of the baby carriage that slowly rides away)

NC (vo; as a mother): No, I wouldn't mind if my baby died, why?

(Kim does a somersault, takes out a grappling hook and holds back the carriage)

NC: (bemused) You know, she had more gadgets than a grappling hook, right?

Mother: (realizing she nearly lost her baby) Oh, my gosh!

(An arrow points at another mother, who simply waves at Kim)

NC (vo; chuckling): Boy, great acting from this lady. (as the other mother, flatly) Oh, no...what do I care? It's Disney Channel. Like I'm gonna get a job from this.

(Cut to Dr. Drakken (Todd Stashwick), having blue veins instead of blue skin, escaping out of his cell with the help of his accomplice, Shego (Taylor Ortega))

NC (vo): Meanwhile, we cut to the villainous Dr. Drakken, played by Todd Stashwick, who was broken out of prison by Shego, played by Taylor Ortega.

NC: These two are probably the best thing in the movie.

(We're shown the later scene of them returning to Drakken's lair)

Drakken: (holding phone) Look at Duff Killigan's Villainstagram. He has an underwater base. I used to have an island.

Shego: Well, that island slightly exploded.

NC (vo): True, there's little issues, like Drakken isn't blue, and their humor is a little slower compared to John DiMaggio and Nicole Sullivan, but their delivery is still pretty good, and they both do really decent impressions. I have no problem buying them as the classic evil duo.

(Cut to a clip from an episode "Rufus vs. Commodore Puddles")

Shego (Animated): What's in Area 51 that's so special?

Drakken (Animated): You know, flying saucers, alien technology, yadda-yadda-yadda.

(Back to the film)

Drakken: Did you get the Zakadamium Q-46?

Shego: Yeah, it's in there.

Drakken: (goes to file cabinet, pointing at drawers) In there? There? There?

Shego: It's over...I can't reach it.

(Cut to Kim coming to Middleton High School, with the sign reading "Summer's Over and It's All Your Fall")

NC (vo): Kim's first day of high school, on the other hand...

(Kim and Bonnie Rockwaller (Erika Tham), her childhood rival, face each other like two cowboys at high noon, with the students making way and the Western music playing in the background)

NC (vo): Oh-ho-ho-ho, it's like a Western! We have to portray high school like a high-stake action sequence, because...

NC: ...nothing else is portrayed like a high-stake action sequence!

Bonnie: (approaches Kim) Welcome to high school, my little freshman! Oh! (embraces Kim)

Kim: Hi, Bonnie. I missed you last year.

NC: You know, here's the problem. Have they really done this like a Western, like a social double-talk draw, maybe this would have been really funny, and a commentary on high school.

(The scene is replayed, but with a single gunshot firing after each line)

Heather (vo; as Bonnie): It's good to see you, Kim. You look so much older since I last saw you.

Aiyanna (vo; as Kim): Oh, Bonnie. You look exactly the same, even down to the clothes you wore three years ago.

Heather (vo; as Bonnie): Are you gonna try out for the school musical? I know you loved drama so much.

Aiyanna (vo; as Kim): No, Bonnie. No matter how hard I try, you'll always be the prima donna.

NC: See? That would have given the humor it needed justifying the Western tone.

NC (vo): But instead, the kids just stand in a circle for no reason, they play the music, and it goes nowhere. So many jokes take this same route, starting out with an okay idea, but never following all the way through with it. But, hey, she's not a cheerleader anymore, because...I don't know. Progressive.

Kim: When are cheerleading tryouts?

Bonnie: You want to cheer at school? Yeah, go hang out with the losers in Lowerton.

NC: (scoffs) Yeah. If there's anything cheerleaders are always associated with, it's being losers!

(A YouTube video is shown with a female cheerleader being tossed in the air by two athletes)

NC: (scoffs again) Lazy.

(Another video is shown, with a cheerleader doing a handstand on an athlete's one arm)

NC: (hand on cheek) Lame!

(Yet another video features eight cheerleaders performing stunts on athletes' arms)

NC: (in a raspy voice) Go back to the chess club! (scoffs) Stupid dorks.

NC (vo): It looks like Kim is late for her first class, as she runs after the bell rings.

(Cut to Mr. Barkin, played by Michael P. Northey, teaching his class)

Barkin: It's best to abandon any hope of joy and find meager satisfaction in monotony. (Kim and Ron run in)

NC: Well, I just heard the funniest line in the movie. (makes a V sign and leaves the table) Peace out!

Kim: Nobody told us they renumbered the classrooms.

Barkin: Yeah, I did that. Keeps you kids on your toes.

Kim: Wha...?

(The bell rings, signaling the lesson's end)

NC: Dude, how short was that class? What, it'd take an hour to walk to her homeroom?!

(Running late to another lesson, Kim rushes out of the school and uses the grappling hook to climb up the roof)

NC (vo): To make things worse, Kim is somehow late again to her next class. She'll have to use some high-tech gadgetry to get to-- Really pushing that grappling hook, huh?

NC: Disney, you have a problem. (Five pictures of Disney characters armed with grappling hooks are shown: Kim from the animated show, Mabel Pines from Gravity Falls, Webby Vanderquack from DuckTales (2017), Darkwing Duck and Anna from Frozen as depicted in the video game, Disney Infinity)

(Barkin scolds Kim after she runs to the classroom late)

NC (vo): They keep the running joke from the original of Mr. Barkin somehow being every teacher in the school, but the downside is, it's not Patrick Warburton, like in the show. And let's be honest, his voice is comedic pixie dust. It makes everything funny! Just watch this scene.

Barkin: (taking out a picture of a fat cat) It takes me 90 minutes to prepare Lady Whiskerboots her low-carb, high-protein breakfast. (speaks to a picture) Isn't that right, Lady Whiskerboots? Yes, it is. Oh, yes, it is.

NC: Now imagine Warburton doing it.

NC (vo; imitating Warburton): It takes me 90 minutes to prepare Lady Whiskerboots her low-carb, high-protein breakfast. Isn't that right, Lady Whiskers? Yes, it is. Oh, oh, yes, it is.

(Three instances of the animated show's running gag of the changing school sign is shown: "Testing: 1...2...3...and 4pm", "Now with More Homework", and "Geography Club: Meeting at 98°35′W 39°50′N". It's followed by the film's depictions of this running gag: "Soccer Tryouts: Just for Kicks", "Procrastination Club: Meeting Postponed", and "Assembly Required")

NC (vo): You'll also notice the film has taken all the hit-and-miss school signs in the show and conveniently replaced them with only the misses.

NC: It's like your Halloween candy being stolen, only (picture of...) the Bit-O-Honeys are left. WHAT MONSTER KEEPS HANDING THOSE OUT--?!

(Kim shows up at soccer tryouts, meeting Bonnie and her team)

NC (vo): So Kim tries out for the soccer team, and, like you, I'm surprised I didn't make a "Kick Possible" joke...

NC: Oh, wait. (wiggles fingers playfully as the Photoshopped picture of the school sign is shown with this phrase) Save it for the sign!

NC (vo): ...but Bonnie says she has to get through all of them in order to make the team.

(Kim easily passes Bonnie's team, leading the ball)

Bonnie: Come on, you guys!

(Kim does several back flips on her way)

NC (vo; as Kim): Why? Am? I? Doing? This?

Ron: (sitting in the audience) Okay...

(In slow-mo, Kim kicks the goal. The screen splits in three one-by-one: Ron cheering, Bonnie looking back surprised, and Kim smiling, relieved)

NC: Okay, what slot machine edited this?!

(The scene is repeated with "slot machine" sound effects, including the winning one, accompanied by the caption "CONGRATS! You've Been Robbed Your Childhood!")

NC (vo): She makes the goal, much to Bonnie and her droogs' dismay.

Bonnie: That was...amazing.

(Bonnie's team joins her, with the "sheep bleating" sound effect put over it)

Bonnie: Congratulations to our manager! Yay! (The bleating is also put over as two of Bonnie's teammates put a laundry basket next to Kim)

NC: I don't even get it. Why wouldn't they want her on her team? She's a world-famous spy!

(Two photos are shown: one of LeBron James, the other being Photoshopped, showing LeBron's head put over a team mascot)

NC (vo): It's like putting LeBron James on your team, but only as the mascot! Somebody rent out a brain cell!

Kim: (to Ron, later carrying a basket full of balls) I've had the absolute worst first day of school that any human could have.

NC: Well, maybe don't wear midriffs...

(Picture of a "Gone Golfing Barbie" toy is shown)

NC (vo): ...based on Putt-Putt Barbie's wardrobe...

NC: ...and you might have a shot.

(Kim and Ron overhear a girl named Athena (Ciara Riley Wilson) crying outside of the school and speaking to her mother on the phone)

NC (vo): They hear a girl crying in the corner and see that she's having a rough time fitting in, too.

Athena: I didn't make any friends.

(Kim runs to Athena, performing back flips as she picks up Athena's papers that fell on the ground)

NC: (not impressed) Not everything involves a flip!

(Kim hands the papers to Athena)

NC (vo; as Kim): I hope that made you feel inferior.

Kim: I'm Kim.

Athena: (awestruck) I know.

(Both girls are shown eating in Bueno Nacho and introducing themselves to each other, as Ron joins them)

NC (vo): It turns out this girl is named Athena, and she's one of Kim's biggest fans.

Ron: Ah, Athena. As in the goddess of...I wanna say dentistry?

NC: (laughs goofily) You're funny, Ron... (abruptly stops smiling) Sit down.

(Athena shows a photo on her phone that depicts her and her pitbull cosplaying Kim and Ron)

NC (vo): Speaking of which, would you like some context of that dog line from earlier?

Athena: That's Ron Stop-pitbull. I didn't really have any, uh, friends to go with me.

Ron: When I grow up, I want to be a dog. Thanks to you, I'm one step closer.

NC: Didn't make anything better, did it? (holds his head) Why does knowing more always hurt more?

Athena: Be the dog you want to see in the world.

Ron: Thank you. And...woof!

Athena: Woof, woof, woof!

(All three laugh as they imitate barking)

NC: (hand on cheek, shaking head) How are these kids not fitting in? It's such a mystery.

(Kim and Ron are late again to Barkin's class, but Athena runs in some seconds after that)

NC (vo): Athena seems to help out quite a bit, as she's good at making excuses about why they're always late. Which...

NC: this point, is a good question. Why are they always late?

Athena: We've actually been volunteering at the cat shelter. (Barkin is shown holding his tears) For all the homeless cats out there.

Barkin: (trying to compose himself) Well, I suppose I could let it pass for meow. (The class laughs) I

NC: (unamused) Remember what I said about Warburton making any line funny? I take it back. He couldn't make that line funny.

NC (vo; imitating Warburton): I suppose I could let it pass...

NC: It's...not worth the attempt. It'll just make you sad.

(Kim invites Athena to her house and opens the wall of her spy gadgets)

NC (vo): Kim and Athena study together, as Kim...humbly...pimps her shit out.

Athena: (astonished) Wow! So many grappling hooks!

NC: (flummoxed) She had a ton of other gadgets! Why there's such a focus on the grappling hook?!? You know what? I got her here. I'm gonna ask her. (leaves the chair) Give me one minute, I'm gonna find out!

(Cut to...Kim watching the photo of a grappling hook on a laptop in another room as sensual music plays)

Kim: (smiling weirdly) Mmmm. Ooooh. Oh, nice.

(NC opens the door, and Kim frantically closes the laptop and shoos him off)

Kim: (overlapping) Oh, my God! Get out! What are you doing here?! What did I have done?! You gotta leave me for a minute here, so get out, out, out, out, OUT!! You haven't seen it!

NC: (overlapping, gasps in shock) I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I didn't know you were gonna- I'm not even here, not even here, I mean, I just went there to make sure you were gonna- Aaaaah!

(NC closes the door, and Kim nervously shifts her eyes. Back to the film)

Athena: (looking at Kim's spy suit from the show) Why don't you wear this on missions anymore? It used to be your thing.

Kim: I don't know. I guess wearing the same thing all the time kind of felt cartoony after a bit.

NC: (poker-faced, slams the table) HA!

(Kim and Athena giggle together)

Athena: Let'!

(They both start dancing, even down to jumping on a bed)

NC (vo): It's a Disney Channel movie! We have to do at least one dance number or be punished by death! (The poster for The Suite Life of Zack & Cody is shown) Ever wonder where Zack and Cody went?

(On a break at school, Kim and Athena practice soccer, with Athena perfectly copying Kim's moves to kick the goal)

NC (vo): So Kim decides to show Athena how to play soccer. She says, "Do a flip." She says, "Okay." Good lesson.

Kim: You're a fast learner. (high-fives Athena)

Athena: And you're a great teacher.

NC: And I'm wondering if there's a Kim Possible movie in our near future.

NC (vo): Seriously, we're close to halfway through, and, excluding the intro, there's been no spy stuff in this! It...isn't that why, like, people watch the show, to see all the cool crime-fighting shit? Oh, wait, no. It was to get makeovers. Kim Possible, everybody!

(Kim, Ron and Athena go to a beauty salon)

Kim: (to Athena) Close your eyes. (Athena does so) Picture the best version of yourself. Do you see her? (Athena opens her eyes)

NC: (as Kim) Now imagine her hotter. Be that! (The Disney Channel logo appears) Disney.

Kim: That's the person I want you to be, and I can't wait to meet her.

NC (vo; as Athena): I saw myself as a skinhead at rallies. (as Kim) You know, maybe you shouldn't listen that close.

(Kim and Ron pack up for the next mission, as does Athena, wearing a purple shirt and leather pants as her spy outfit)

NC (vo): She comes out in an outfit and hair that, as Ron says, out-Kims Kim.

Ron: You've out-Kimmed Kim!

Athena: I actually decided to make myself a mission suit, in case the time came I had to battle evil.

NC: (as Athena) You said "be my best self". Well, my best self is Jennifer Jason Leigh from (poster of...) Single White Female!

(A limo drives into the scene, and out of there comes Poppy Blu, a pop star played by Christy Carlson Romano. They happily greet each other)

NC (vo): Speaking of there awkwardly being too many Kims, Christy Carlson Romano makes a totally out-of-nowhere appearance as a pop star named Poppy Blu, and I mean, totally out-of-nowhere. They dance to one of her songs earlier, but aside from that, there is no mention of this character beforehand. They didn't even say that Kim knew her! It's beyond random!

Poppy Blu: She's fierce! And I should know, because I invented (sings) fieeeeerce!

NC: (shifty-eyed) Mom, Aunt Becky thinks she's a pop star again.

Poppy Blu: This train is leaving the station. (sings as Athena joins her) All aboaaaard!

(Cut to a clip from King of the Hill)

Hank Hill: My God, are you still talking?

(Poppy Blu shows Kim, Athena and Ron the way to an island)

NC (vo): So I guess she takes them to a secret island where their next mission is.

NC: Oh, come on, we're just 40 minutes in! We don't need to get to this spy stuff so quickly! Pace yourself! Take your time! Do another dance or makeover!

Kim: (offscreen) Why not both?

(Kim and Athena are shown in NC's room, giggling and doing makeup with brushes and combs. NC squints at this, feeling really uncomfortable. Kim and Athena cross their hands and look to the camera proudly. A caption appears that is read aloud)

Announcer (Malcolm): Disney Channel: empowering know, when it's cool.

NC: (nervously) They're not doing a Gravity Falls movie, are they?

(We go to a commercial. When we come back, we're shown the trio entering the Institute for Advanced Neurodynamic Studies, its title depicted on an Earth hologram)

NC (vo): So Kim, Ron and Athena sneak into a secret lab where Shego is said to have broken in.

Ron: What is this place?

Kim: The Institute for Advanced Neurodynamic Studies.

NC (vo; sarcastically): Oh, my God, don't know how you figured that one out!

(Ron overhears the squeaking coming out of one stand, and it belongs to the naked mole rat, Rufus)

NC (vo): Ron comes across a mammal that was being experimented on, giving him super intelligence. He goes by the guessed it...Rufus.

Kim: Hey, little guy! What is he?

NC: (grinning) Ugly as sin. But burnable.

NC (vo): He, of course, tags along for the ride, but Kim is feeling inadequate to Athena's superior spying techniques.

Athena: (speaks to Kimmunicator) Wade, can you run a check on the lab for any sort of Zakadamium-based brain modulators?

Wade: Q-46.

Athena: And that's where we'll find Shego. Come on!

(Athena and Ron run to the said aisle as Kim laughs weakly)

NC: (as Kim, sad monotone) And that's when it hit me. I never read a book in my life. I just hit shit.

(The trio meet Shego just as she gets her hands on the brain modulating crystal)

NC (vo): They come across Shego stealing the Tesseract for Drakken, when Kim and the gang stop her.

Shego: It's been too long.

Kim: Can't say I was feeling particularly nostalgic.

NC: (as the shot of the IMDb rating, which is 3.9, appears) Most IMDb users would agree with you.

(Kim knocks the crystal out of Shego's hands, and it lands on top of the platform where it was before)

NC (vo): It lands on top of the tower, so perhaps a flying rocket pack would be useful here- (Kim takes out a grappling hook to get up there) Was your mother a grappling hook?!

(Shego also manages to get on the platform and sends Kim flying down, knocking Ron and falling into a tank full of eels)

NC (vo): Kim and Ron get trapped in a cage with electric eels, of which Kim is terrified.

Kim: (panting nervously) I never told you this, but I am terrified of electric eels!

Ron: Well, isn't that nice that, after all this time, we're still learning about each other?!

NC: (nods, smiling) Okay, that got a chuckle.

Ron: Did you know electric eels can spawn thousands of babies at any given time?

Kim: What?! (knocks on glass) Athena, help!

NC: (snickers) Okay. I'm weirdly impressed with this movie's eel humor!

(Athena fights off Shego, yet the latter escapes with the brain modulator. In his lair, Drakken uses the security camera footage of Athena fighting and Kim calling for Athena in fear to upload it online. This makes Athena popular in school and Kim even more unpopular)

NC (vo): Athena fights off Shego with a staff. However, security camera footage of the fight leaks onto the Internet via Drakken, and Athena is now the school hero.

(On the bench, Kim glumly watches Athena joining Bonnie's soccer team)

Bonnie: Welcome to the Mad Dogs!

NC (vo): Yay! It makes sense to take the girl who did one thing and shit on the girl who did it a million times before!

NC: High school! You get it!

(At Bueno Nacho, Kim observes Ron and Athena laughing and talking together)

NC (vo; as Kim): Damn it, there should be (The poster for Season 7 of The Office is shown) three seasons of Office-style forced romance before I get jealous of who Ron talks to!

(Feeling really depressed, Kim goes to her grandmother Nana, played by Connie Ray)

Nana: Kimberly Ann!

Kim: Hey, Nana.

NC (vo): So Kim visits her grandmother to feel better.

Nana: (carrying a dish of brownies) Lucky you, I made a batch of brownies this morning.

NC (vo; as Nana): It is 4:20, after all.

Nana: Feel up for a...

Kim: A workout?

(Nana plays the four-note Kimmunicator jingle on her piano, opening up the wall to the dojo, where she and Kim practice fighting using bo staffs)

NC (vo): They decide to learn how to use the bo staff, but Grandma figures out it's because she (Kim) wants to learn how to be better than Athena.

Nana: What is it, baby?

Kim: I've never... (sighs sadly) I've never met someone...who's better than me.

NC: Wow. (takes out a plate) Would you like another plate, or are you too full of yourself?

Nana: Jealousy is very unbecoming, Kimberly Ann.

Kim: I'm not jealous. If I'm not the best at those things, then who am I?

NC: A jealous girl. That is literally the definition.

(Several clips from the original animated show play out)

NC (vo): Okay, so Kim could have emotional turmoil at times, but it was either funny or relatable. If they ever did do an episode about her being jealous, say, of something Bonnie did, she gets angry, but then realizes it's petty shit and moves on to something more important, like crime-fighting. Remember that?

(Cut back to live-action)

NC (vo): This not only doesn't match Kim's character from the show, but it also doesn't match Kim's character in the movie. Because it's friggin' non-existent! It's just a forced message disguised as a human being. It feels false, manipulative, and, worst of all, not funny.

Kim: That's who I am.

Nana: No. That's what you do.

Kim: (in tears) Then I don't know who I am.

NC: The first honest thing this movie admitted.

Announcer (Malcolm): (speaking as the show's logo pops up) Kim Possible. It's about empowerment, unless some girl does better than you, in which case, be catty as hell. (imitates a whiny girl) Because she's dumb! She's dumb and I hate her! I used to think girls could get along, but now I know it's about popularity and looking good and getting the most attention! Thank you, Disney! Thank you for making me realize how it is! (breaks into tears) God, I'm so alone!

(Kim and Ron enter the gym to see that Athena is being awarded as the most promising freshman)

NC (vo): Back at school, Athena is honored with "The Most Promising Freshman of the Year" award...

NC: Your school doesn't have that? Why don't you just call it what it really is?

(The caption on the banner above Barkin is Photoshopped, being replaced by "Kim Sucks!". Drakken suddenly appears in the gym, floating down via anti-gravity field)

NC (vo): ...but Drakken and Shego burst in.

Drakken: Don't be alarmed! We're only here to kidnap Athena.

Athena: (worried) What?

Kim: Ron, grapple me. (Ron hands her the grappling hook)

NC (vo; as Kim): I'm gonna help him.

Drakken: Henchmen, attack!

Shego: (shows up in the crowd) Henchwomen, attack.

(Drakken gives a thumbs up, impressed, as Shego's squad of ninja women come up and shout)

NC: (fake astonishment) Ooooooh! Henchwomen! Oh, yeah, yeah. Progressive, yeah, yeah. You're really above the game, yeah, henchwomen...

NC (vo): I just spent an hour watching a kick-ass icon cry, get jealous, force makeovers and do very little asskicking!

NC: But henchwomen?! This is the woke masterpiece we've been waiting for! (Makes an extremely confused face)

(Kim decides to fight off the ninjas alone, using the bo staff, and she jumps in the air, but falls on the floor)

NC (vo): Kim has a chance to hand Athena a staff, but she decides to do it herself and screws up.

(Shego, Bonnie and all the school's pupils laugh at Kim's misfortune, down to filming it on their phones)

NC: (as a student, laughs, slapping the desk) That Athena girl is gonna get tortured to death! It's funny, it's funny!

(Drakken and Shego take Athena hostage and fly away, thus leaving Kim all alone and sad)

NC (vo): Athena is kidnapped. and the school is disappointed in Kim. Looks like it's time to suit up and go after the bad guy- Or cry. H-h-haven't seen that yet.

Kim: (in tears) I blew it, Ron. (sits down) This was all my fault.

Ron: Oh, come on. It's...yeah, it's your fault.

NC: I mean, when you see how everyone else helped out...

(Cut back to Kim fighting off ninjas in gym and the school's reaction to her misfortune)

NC (vo): ...what, with the cowering and the filming and the laughing, clearly, a high schooler fighting a dozen adults was phoning it in!

(Back to Drakken's lair, Athena is calmly released, and she addresses her captors)

Athena: I broke her. Just like you asked me to.

NC (vo): But it's revealed...what a shock...Athena was working with Drakken and Shego.

NC: (unamused) Oh, my God. Next, you'll tell me...

(The poster for 2018's Aquaman is shown, with the titular hero's head being replaced with the one of 1960s animated version)

NC (vo): ...the secret identity of Aquaman is Aquaman.

NC: What is life?

(Kim and Ron arrive to Kim's house. James Possible is briefly shown helping Kim's little brothers, Jim and Tim, with their invention. After both explain the situation, Ann and Nana agree to help them rescue Athena)

NC (vo): So Kim goes to get the help of her family...hey, look, the twins are in this. They don't do dick. Moving her mother and grandmother agree to help break into Drakken and Shego's lair.

(Kim opens up the lipstick and shoots a laser from it to make a hole in the glass roof and to get inside)

NC: (waving hands) No, wait! Surely, this requires a grappling hook!

NC (vo): I don't care if you have to use it like a hammer till your wrists bleed, I'm committed now! IT MUST BE GRAPPLING HOOK!

(Kim finds Athena doing a makeover herself by the dressing table)

Kim: We're here. Come on, let's go.

NC (vo): Kim comes across Athena, who confesses everything.

Athena: But my purpose here was be your friend who inspires you. As you can see... (reaches towards her face and...removes the part of it, revealing herself to be an android) ...I'm far more complex than that.

(NC has his eyes bugged out in shock)

NC: Okay, I'll admit. My pants have a little shit in them.

(Kim sadly looks over all the stuff she and Athena collected over their period of friendship)

NC (vo): See if you get this. For some reason, even after Athena explains everything, Kim still has to figure it out by looking at all the evidence she kept. What the hell is there to discover? She told you everything! World's greatest detective, my ass! Oh, wait, that's Batman. What are you good at again?

(Athena is chained into the second capsule of Drakken's brain-modulating device)

Athena: Why do I need these?

Shego: Safety precaution.

(Kim, Ron, Ann and Nana show up before Drakken and Shego, making "the ass-kicking pose" while walking close to them)

NC (vo): It looks like Drakken is gonna transfer all of Athena's skills into his body, as Kim and her family pose, not once...but walk down the stairs, say a few lines, and...pose again!

NC: (as Drakken, scared) Oh, she did it twice! We're dead!

(The Possibles and Ron are put in a cage. A quadrocopter falls out of Ron's pocket along with Rufus before the four are trapped)

NC (vo): They trap Kim Poseable in a laser cage, and...oh, yeah, he's a thing.

Wade: I'm on it!

(Wade takes control of the quadrocopter and sends Rufus flying on it. Shego blasts the quadrocopter, but Rufus lands on the red button on the wall and presses it)

NC (vo): He trailer-shots his way to the release button...

NC: So the contribution of this genetically enhanced animal is...bumping into something.

(Kim short-circuits the brain-modulating device by using her laser lipstick, which frees Athena and turns Drakken into a pre-adolescent version of himself)

NC (vo): ...and the family stops the machine, messing up the transformation, turning Drakken into a child.

(Shego bursts into laughter upon seeing this)

NC: I...feel like the obvious outcome of this should be he turns blue, but...maybe that's because this didn't all happen on a Tuesday. (suddenly smiles) Two points if you got that!

Child Drakken: Hey, what happened to my clothes? What's wrong with my voice?!

NC: (as a child Drakken) I sound like Ron!

(The crystal starts igniting lightnings and malfunctioning, and everybody starts to retreat)

Wade: Guys, that thing's gonna explode!

NC (vo; as Kim): Thank you, Wade. If I'm set on fire, please let me know.

Athena: (already holding a staff) Kim, go! You need to get out of here, I have to stay behind!

(Athena charges into the crystal and destroys the machine, leaving Kim sobbing)

NC (vo): Athena sacrifices herself to give them more time, and you know, I don't think there's enough of Kim crying. One more should complete me.

(Drakken's lair explodes, but Kim sits before the wreckage and continues sobbing as Ann soothes her)

NC: (as the infamous images of crying Peter Parker from Spider-Man (2002) and Frodo Baggins from The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring are shown) Peter Parker and the cast of Lord of the Rings cry less than you!

(Rufus smells Athena's hand crushed behind the stone block, and Kim rushes down for it)

NC (vo): Naturally, though, they go looking for her in the rubble, and I'll just say, if the ending doesn't look similar to this, I don't care. (The Photoshopped picture of Athena as the titular character of The Terminator standing against the fire backdrop with only the metal skeleton is shown)

Kim: Athena, we're gonna get you out of there for... AAAAH!! (sees that it's only the disembodied hand)

Athena: (heard somewhere close) Uh, Kim?

NC: Say it with her now.

NC (vo; along with all the cast): I could use a hand!

NC: It's nice when we're all hurt together.

(Kim picks up Athena's head, which is still functioning)

Kim: We're gonna patch you up good as new, okay?

Athena: (smiling) You're a really good friend.

NC: (horror-struck) Well, this certainly isn't hypnotically horrifying!

Ann: (over her communicator) Honey, how would you like to rebuild a cybertronic humanoid?

(Kim and Athena are both overjoyed. Cut to a clip from The Simpsons Season 5 episode "Rosebud")

Homer: Is this a happy ending or a sad ending?

Marge: It's an ending. That's enough.

(Athena is repaired at Kim's home, and she reunites with Kim and Ron. Athena and Kim organize a martial arts club, starting off with using bo staffs)

NC (vo): So Athena is rebuilt, and Kim starts a martial arts club with her. So the moral of the story is being catty and vengeful isn't worth it because there's always more to a person than you think. (Beat) Except Bonnie, she sucks. Feel nothing for her.

(Bonnie is shown throwing her ball in frustration and storming off)

NC: (cheerfully) Girl power!

(The mid-credits sequence shows child Drakken posing as a gifted student, with Shego posing as his mother, enrolling at Kim's high school, thus beginning his new plan to defeat her)

NC (vo): Oh, I guess I should point out there is an end credit sequence where child Drakken plans to infiltrate Kim's school, saying he skipped a bunch of grades. I just bring this up because this character is so funny that, even in little boy form, he's hilarious!

Child Drakken: Perfect! I will blend in flawlessly.

NC: He's like if Truman Capote shrunk into a tiny Rick Moranis.

Child Drakken: Laugh it up. This whiny, puny body I'm trapped in is a blessing in disguise. Now there's nowhere Possible can hide from me.

NC: Okay, if the weird "not thirsty" guy...

(A shot of Major Toht from Raiders of the Lost Ark appears)

NC (vo): ...from Raiders of the Lost Ark ever got a spin-off movie...

NC: ...he has to play him! (Pause) I don't even mean as a little boy, I mean, just cast him as an adult!

(The footage of the film is shown once more as NC goes to his final thoughts)

NC (vo): Sadly, though, that's the most possibility we can hope from Kim Possible: The Movie. Even as someone who caught up with the show years later and doesn't really have the nostalgia goggles for it, this is a pretty bad adaptation. I do give credit to some of the things they got right: the villains, Ron's voice, some of the running jokes, but it feels more like they're displaying these elements without really understanding them.

(The infamous screenshot of Sonic from the then-postponed live-action adaptation (since released in 2020) is shown)

NC (vo): It's like changing Sonic to look more like Sonic; it's appreciated, but it still doesn't represent what we like about the character and the world.

(Clips from the animated show start playing alongside the film's clips)

NC (vo): Kim Possible was a fun, clever show that allowed kids, both boys and girls, to imagine themselves fighting hilarious supervillains, with tongue-in-cheek humor and likeable characters, no more, no less. This feels like it's trying to be sensitive, and empowering, and standing up to the status quo, but when you go in with that intention first, rather than telling a good story with good characters, it backfires. Kim Possible was an empowering show because it didn't tell a story about a girl who was a hero, it told a story about a hero who was a girl. And it never drew attention to it, it just kind of did its own thing. It had fun entertaining everybody who watched it, no need to play to a particular gender or age. Anyone could watch it and get something enjoyable out of it. This just has that bad Disney Channel movie feel to it, where it's more about trying to get across a message, not because it's ethical, but because it's popular. I'm not saying that was the intention or the idea, I'm just saying that's what it feels like. Well, they're missing what made Kim Possible popular then, because it wasn't trying to be a trailblazer, it was just trying to be fun, which there is very little of here. Simply put, this movie may think it's all that, but it's not.

(Shego shows up in NC's door)

Shego: Hey. Want a surefire way to get revenge on this new Kim Possible?

NC: HELL, YES! But how?

Shego: Don't worry. I know the one thing that can destroy her.

(NC leans to listen. Cut to him on the movie set as Drakken, with Kim and Athena making an asskicking pose)

NC/Drakken: So, Kim Possible, you've outwitted me this time, but I know the one thing that you fear most.

Kim: (slightly confused) What?

NC/Drakken: The one thing that always sends shivers down your spine!

Director: (comes up to Kim and Athena) Baby, this ain't in the script, baby. Baby?

NC/Drakken: I am altering the script. Pray I do not alter it any further. Shego! Unleash the secret weapon!

Shego: (back to sitting on chair, smiling) Gladly.

(She presses a button, and the prop room's door starts slowly opening. Kim, Athena and the director turn towards it and become horrified)

Athena: Oh, no!

Kim: Not...not...Totally Spies!

(The animated main characters of this show, Clover, Sam and Alex, quickly show up, giggling, squeeing and chattering. This cacophony makes Kim, Athena and the director wince and cover their ears. NC and Shego smugly take the earplugs and put them in their ears. After some seconds, Kim's, Athena's and the director's heads...blow up!)

NC: (sighs in relief) There's more than one way to destroy Kim Possible. (takes the earplugs out) I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I reme-

Shego: I would leave those in if I were you.

NC: Why--?

(And his head explodes right on cue, because the Totally Spies are still chattering and giggling)

Shego: No one ever listens to me. (rolls her eyes and exhales)

Channel Awesome tagline - Ron: When I grow up, I want to be a dog.

(The credits roll)

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