Kickassia Part 2: Triumph and Treacle
Spoony is standing in a room by himself, a distressed look on his face; NC enters behind him
Spoony: Is everyone preparing for battle?
NC: They are, Spoony.
Spoony: *nervous and sweating* Good.
NC: You know, Spoony, you would really help the team out if you were to…well…you know.
Spoony: *turning his head slightly, voice cracking* Summon him?
NC: It would be just this once, Spoony. Just this once and you can go back to normal.
Spoony: *turns around suddenly* NORMAL?! There’s no normal. I don’t even know what normal is any more. Every day I live with the beast raging inside of me.
NC: All you need to do is set him free and then once you have him under control-
Spoony: CONTROL?! There is no control! There is only ANARCHY! Chaos! And the world writhing in pain!
NC: But, if you would only try!
Spoony: TRY?! There is no try! *Spoony grabs NC* There is only the darkness!
NC: Give in, Spoony. Give in for me. And the team. And for me!
Spoony: *sigh* I left the madness behind me a long time ago.
Spoony turns to the curtains and looks back at NC
Spoony: You'll find none of it left here!
Spoony looks back at NC through the corner of his eye.
NC turns to walk out of the hotel room.
NC: Sometimes we all need to give in to the madness. *Spoony then looks nervous as NC walks out of the room, his eyes turning toward the camera in horror as the door shuts.*
Cut to Molossia as Baugh reads some documents and looks out the window, then is surprised to see the encroaching army all ready for battle and armed with various weapons. NC is dressed as M. Bison and turns to address the team. Baugh goes to talk to his citizens who are all reading books.
Baugh: Just a heads up, guys. Molossia might be under attack in a couple minutes or so.
Molossian citizens: Mmmhmmm...
Cut to NC Bison as he addresses the team'
NC: LordKat! Make ready the new salute for our nation! *LordKat steps up and gives everyone the bird. Everyone does the same in salute.*
All: (grunting in unison)
Montage of people standing battle ready
NC: Alright people, this is the moment you've been waiting for! Bravery will be rewarded! Destinies will be revealed! And the honor of a new nation will be born! A nation which I will declare-KICKASSIA!
Film Brain: Symbolism!
The crowd dies down
NC: Phallus, send the signal to sound the charge!
Phelous: Okay. First of all, it's "Phelous" not "Phallus". Second, the guy's standing right there looking at you. Why don't you send the signal yourself?
NC: *chuckle* Phallus *dope slap* Just do it.
Phelous waves his finger as Paw plays his kazoo.
NC: *turns around* For all of Kickassia...CHARGE!
Everyone charges into battle as Baugh looks on. He presses buttons on his iPhone to set off a series of mines. The line holds as the group presses on! Frustrated with the continuing wave of troops, Baugh sets off more charges as they continue to strike. A bomb knocks MarzGurl down and Linkara rushes to her aid.
Linkara: MARZGURL! *runs over to her* NO! MarzGurl! You were so young and blue haired! Damn you, Molossia! *MarzGurl slowly gets up.* Damn you to hell! *MarzGurl takes off her mask.*
MarzGurl: I... I'm fine.
Linkara: Oh! God, MarzGurl! You're dead. No! You want me to tell you about Disneyland?
MarzGurl: No, seriously. I'm ok-
Linkara: There's cotton candy on the trees! You can just climb up and get one if you want!
MarzGurl: Look, I don't know who you seem to think you are. I mean I'm really-
Linkara: Take comfort in my masculine arms!
MarzGurl: *muffled* You're an idiot!
Everyone continues to charge. Cinema Snob uses a peashooter and gets part of it stuck in his throat.
NC: *quickly* Remember, pain is just God's way of telling you to try harder!
In the background, Joe fires his guns.
Cut to Baugh, stepping out of his house. He then mans a cannon as people continue to run. He shoots the cannon as LordKat, Brad and Spoony dodge. Bennett ducks behind a ludicrously small boulder, but it appears to protect him. Mickey rides Handsome Tom like a horse, who gets spooked at a cannonball that lands nearby
8 Bit Mickey: Easy boy, easy! Let's go!
Everyone continues to press on as the Bum charges in!
Bum: Raaaah! Long live Kickassia! *cannonball lands near him* Okay. I'm going.
Yanki J swings his baseball bat, deflecting a cannonball. Baugh then ducks, and runs from the assault. Everyone continues to charge. NC has everyone stop.
They try to climb over it to no avail. Joe tries to shoot it.
Angry Joe: It's no use! The bullets are just going through the holes!
NC: *turns and calls for a ladder* LADDERS! *they find the quickly summoned ladder to be too big*
Everyone then hops on a swiftly produced footstool to climb the fence and breaches Molossia!
NC: QUICKLY! To the Molossia railroad!
Everyone runs to the railroad as JewWario trips and faces a toy train.
Phelous picks up a shaken JewWario.
Phelous: It's just a toy train!
JewWario starts to cry.
Benzaie gets ready to throw Beary.
Benzaie: This is it, Beary! At least you're dying for a good cause!
Beary: It was an honor to serve you, mon ami!
Benzaie hugs Beary. Starts to throw him when the grenades goes off.
Baugh comes in, ready to face the oncoming army!
NC: DESTROY HIM!
Baugh uses his sword to teleport around the area, causing much confusion.
NC: Huh? *spots him.* HEY!
Baugh teleports again as the team tries to get to him
Baugh teleports in front of LordKat, Benzaie, Sage, Mickey and Brad and then uses his sword to slap them. He then teleports away. He then taps NC on the shoulder and punches him. NC goes to retaliate when he vanishes.
Baugh teleports in front of Lee and tries to attack him. It obviously doesn't work.
Lee: Don't get me angry! You wouldn't like me when I'm angry!
Lee gets angry and changes into 3D Lee.
Spoony: WOAH! It's 3D LEE!
Lee takes the sword with his hands and knocks it out of Baugh's hands. He then proceeds to pummel him.
Brad: H-Hey! 3D Lee is pretty awesome!
Baugh is knocked around and hits a barn.
NC: Don't make us review you!
Baugh runs off and everyone looks confused.
NC: *turns to Joe* Follow him?!
Everyone charges into the house as NC opens the door. They then encounter Fritz Von Baugh.
NC: Alright, President Baugh. Hand over Molossia and nobody gets hurt.
Fritz von Baugh: I'm not the president. I'm Fritz von Baugh, Minister of Making Things Orderly.
Brad: But, it's so obviously you.
Fritz von Baugh: Yes, I get that a lot. But, the fact is we're two totally different people.
NC: Okay, well, where is the "president"?
Fritz von Baugh: Oh. He's gone. Flew right out the door.
MarzGurl: So...You mean we won?
Fritz von Baugh: It looks that way. Yes.
Everyone cheers as Joe runs into the room where the Molossian citizens are still reading.
Joe: Molossia has been conquered! A new dawn of government is upon us! HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!
Molossian citizens: Mmmhmmm...
Cut to NC facing the team.
NC: My friends, this is indeed a great day. We have given birth to a new nation!
NC: And there will be government. Rules. And a new democracy to live by!
Linkara: Why a democracy?
NC: Because I say so. And I will be your president!
NC drags Nchick over, who is drinking beer.
NC: Nostalgia Chick will be vice president!
NC: And the rest we'll figure out at another time!
Film Brain: Another time!
NC: And as my first order as your president. I shall build a table. A round table so that everyone can look at each other in the eye.
Nchick: Hmm. That's a good idea. It's like everyone's equal.
NC: Yes! And I shall be elevated above you in a rocket chair! A magnificent rocket chair so I can look down on all of you and see just how equal we all are!
Everyone groans: ...Yay...
NC: Make yourselves comfortable, everybody, for we have given birth to the greatest nation ever known! We have given birth TO KICKASSIA!
|The Nostalgia Critic Transcripts
||Transformers · Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue · Cloverfield Trailer Review · Power Rangers: A Look Back · Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Book Launch · Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Movies · The Top 11 Scariest Nostalgic Moments · Super Mario Bros.: The Movie · Cloverfield Review · Street Fighter · Mortal Kombat · Space Jam · The Nerd Rant · The Nerd Rant Part 2 · Pokémon The First Movie · The Nerd Wizard Rant · The Wizard · The Top 11 Naughtiest Moments in Animaniacs · Batman & Robin · The Top 11 Catchiest Theme Songs · '90s Sports Montage · The Nerd Response…Response · The Top 11 Drug PSAs · The Battle of Epic Proportions · Captain Planet · Double Dare · 3 Ninjas · Top 11 Hottest Animated Women · Video Game Review · The Search for the Nostalgia Chick · He-Man and the Masters of the Universe · Follow That Bird · Saved By the Bell · Tom and Jerry: The Movie · Top 11 Saddest Moments · Nostalgia Chick Winner · Surf Ninjas · NC vs The Nerd Showdown · Top 11 Nostalgic Animated Shows · Kazaam · The Nerd vs. NC: The Final Battle · Off to Beat the Nerd · Drew Struzan Tribute · Halloween '08 Special · Double Dragon · Top 11 Underrated Nostalgic Classics · Howard the Duck · Mortal Kombat: Annihilation · Godzilla · Top 11 Disney Villains · The Super Mario Bros. Super Show · Top 12 Greatest Christmas Specials · Jingle All the Way
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||NeverEnding Story III · Ferngully 2 · Secret of NIMH 2 · Care Bears 2 · Dungeons and Dragons · Top 11 Dumbest Spider-Man Moments · The Lost World: Jurassic Park · Return of the Nostalgic Commercials · Inspector Gadget · Old vs. New: The Karate Kid · The Langoliers · Airborne · Baby Geniuses · Raiders of the Story Arc: X-Men · The Magic Voyage · Double Team · Top 11 Dumbasses in Distress · Jaws: The Revenge · Gordy · The OTHER Animated Titanic Movie · Revenge of the Nostalgic Commercials · Once Upon a Forest · Little Nemo · Old vs. New: True Grit · Suburban Knights: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7 · Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon · Milk Money · Rad · Raiders of the Story Arc: Duck Tales · Care Bears in Wonderland · Cop and a Half · Top 11 Batman TAS Episodes · Alaska · Let's Play Bart's Nightmare · James and the Giant Peach · The Avengers · Simon Sez · The Tommyknockers · The Haunting · Blair Witch 2: Book of Shadows · Exorcist 2 · Doug's 1st Movie · The Cell · Raiders of the Story Arc: Superman · Felix the Cat · Moulin Rouge · Babes in Toyland · How the Grinch Stole Christmas · Child's Play
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||The Happening · Top 11 Funniest Shyamalan Moments · Lady in the Water · Labyrinth · Spawn · Cats & Dogs · The Phantom of the Opera · The Adventures of Pluto Nash · Pinky, Elmyra and the Brain - Was That Real? · Batman v Superman · Blade · Old vs. New: Cinderella · Spy Kids 3D: Game Over · Jem and the Holograms (2015) · The Grinch vs. The Cat in the Hat - Was That Real? · Scooby-Doo 2 · Alvin and the Chipmunks · Ghostbusters (2016) · Teddy Ruxpin Live Action Series - Was That Real? · Wild Wild West · The 3rd Animated Titanic Movie (Tentacolino) · The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle · Stephen King's Dreamcatcher · Freddy vs. Jason · Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows · Battle of the Commercials · Inspector Gadget Saves Christmas · Top 12 Christmas Commercials · I'll Be Home For Christmas · Rogue One: A Star Wars Story
||Top 11 Best Movie Sequels · Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel · Top 11 Worst Movie Sequels · The Smurfs 2 · Garfield 2: A Tail of Two Kitties · Cool World · Old vs. New: Evil Dead · Top 11 WTF Alternate Endings · Balto · Fant4stic · Clockstoppers · The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas · Suicide Squad Trailer · Suicide Squad · Alien vs. Predator · Transformers: The Last Knight NON-Review · Wonder Woman · Norm of the North · Hulk (2003) · Monkeybone · The Sorcerer's Apprentice · Eragon · Kangaroo Jack · Green Lantern · It (2017) · The Mummy · The Mummy (2017) · Dragonball Evolution · War of the Commercials · Rapsittie Street Kids: Believe in Santa · Home Alone 2: Lost in New York · Star Wars: The Last Jedi
||Lara Croft: Tomb Raider · Top 11 Good Adam Sandler Movies · Yogi Bear · Batman Forever · Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked · Alice Through the Looking Glass · Beauty and the Beast (2017) · Jack and Jill · Starship Troopers · Scooby-Doo: The Mystery Begins · The Spirit · Deadpool 2 · The Angry Birds Movie · Fox Kids · The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen · Mission: Impossible 2 · Doom · Ghostbusters 2 · Freddy Got Fingered · Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer · Sleepwalkers · Van Helsing · Rubber (2010) · Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom · Escape from the Commercials · A Christmas Story Live · The Nutcracker (2010)
||Max Payne · Robocop (2014) · The Black Cauldron (NC) · Top 11 Funniest Siskel and Ebert Reviews · The Country Bears · X-Men: The Animated Series · X-Men · X-Men: The Last Stand · Best F(r)iends · Hop · Toonami · Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within · Mary Poppins Returns · Alien 3 · Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief · Kim Possible · Blade II · That Darn Cat · Underworld · Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip · The Wall · Hannibal · It: Chapter Two · Venom · Justice League · Planet of the Commercials · The Grinch (2018) · The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause
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