Kickassia Part 1

NC Kickassia episode 1 by MaroBot.jpg

Date Aired:
May 17th, 2010
Running Time
Next Part

Transcript of Kickassia: Part 1


(Scene opens with a Map of Molossia, panning over as a voiceover speaks)

Voiceover: There is a nation called... Molossia. A micronation, to be precise. Located just outside of Reno, in Dayton Nevada. It is a small spec of land... One point three acres to be exact. But through a strange loophole, it is technically considered... a nation. It is run by a man named Kevin Baugh, who has declared himself the proud president of this land. He has been called one Curly short of the Three Stooges, but he does manage to keep order in his humble country. For the most part Molassia is a quiet, simple, gentle land, that is yet to subject itself to any intense, hostile violence. That... is where the Nostalgia Critic comes in.

(Scene changes to the Molossia flag against the morning sunlight. The opening credits roll, showing old civil war paintings, and playing the Kickassia theme. This ends with "Part 1: THE WITHERING EYE)

(After the credits, it opens on shots of Molossia, President Kevin Baugh is performing morning meditation when there's a knock on his door and goes to open it. Nostalgia Critic is seen waiting outside.)

NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic, online personality, and all around spectacular guy.

Kevin Baugh: (silent)

NC(as if in reply to Kevin): I'm fine. Anyway I run a website that has all sorts of reviewers that come together and, well, review stuff. I don't like to brag, but, we're pretty successful.

Kevin Baugh: (silent)

NC: I noticed that you er, have your own nation here. Must be very proud.

Kevin Baugh: (silent)

NC: But to be fair, um... It is not very big and you're not very big. So. Let's just cut to the chase here. I am going to... invade you. My army is going to take you down, conquer Molossia, and take it as our own. Now, don't get any bright ideas. Don't try to fight back or anything like that. My army is quite literally unstoppable, undefeatable, and of course, invincible. Where, you are... what? Just you? (laughs) So, I'll give you uh... ten minutes to pack things up and piss off. (smiles) Deal?

Kevin Baugh: (silent, shuts the door.)

NC (confused): Why do they always want to do it the hard way? (leaves)

(Cut to shots of trees and countryside, as Nostalgia Critic sits in front of four computer monitors, each with information about Molossia.)

NC: Ahhhh... Molossia... (picks up phone and dials)

(Cut to Nostalgia Chick as she picks up her phone.)

NChick: Hello?

NC: It's time. (hangs up, dials another number)

(NChick looks at her phone confused, and puts it down. Cut to Phelous)

Phelous: Hello?

NC: It's time. (hangs up, dials another number)

Linkara: Hello!

NC: It's time. (hangs up, dials another number)

Spoony: Hello?

NC: It's time. (hangs up, dials another number)

Film Brain: Hello?

NC: It's time. (random intercut shots of NC speaking and dialing on the phone as the camera pans over the monitors.) (nodding and smiling as he completes his last call) It's time. (goes to get up, but phone immediately rings.) Hello?

Phelous: Uhhh, Yeah... what does "It's time" mean?

NC: What?

Phelous: I don't know, you just called me up and said, (mockingly)"It's time!" like I'm supposed to know what that means.

NC: Get on the wagon, Phelous! It's the takeover of Molossia!

Phelous: The takeover of what?

NC: Ah- H-hold on, got a call on the other line. Hello?

NChick: Hey... yeah, what's this "It's time" thing you're talking about?

NC(surprised): Don't you know?!

Nchick: No.

NC: Ah- Look, it doesn't matter, just meet me in Molossia.

NChick: Where?

NC: I- Ah, hold on, I got another call. (changes call) Hello?

Spoony: Yeah, it's uh... (checking watch) 3:22 p.m.

NC: What?

Spoony(confused): I thought you were asking what time it was.

NC(frustrated): No no... I'm telling you it IS time!

Spoony: Yeah, and that time is 3:22p.m.

NC: No no- Urrrgh! I've got another call. Hold on. (switching calls) Hello?

Angry Joe: I'm behind you 110% Critic! Any Chick-Fil-A refusing to serve us delicious nuggets on Sundays from here on out will be blown sky high! (manic cackling)

NC: Wait a minute, what are you talking about?

Angry Joe: Wait, what are you talking about?

NC: The invasion of Molossia!

Angry Joe: What is Molossia?

NC: I- (sigh) Hold on, I'll get back to ya. (switches calls) Hello?

Linkara: Uhhh, yeah, I got 3:24 here, but I think Spoony's watch is more accurate.

NC: Oh, uh.... hold on a minute. (switches calls) Hello?

Linkara: Me again.

NC: Sorry. (switches calls) Hello?

NChick: Hi! Still running on "confused" here.

NC: Look, it's hard to explain, just meet me in Molossia! It's in Nevada.

NChick(sarcastically): Ok, I'll just uh, walk over to Nevada.

NC(angry): I'll fly you there.

NChick: When?

NC(frustrated): I don't know! I can barely keep track of who I'm talking to! Oh, that reminds me, I gotta call Sean.

NChick: Who?

NC: The Epic Fail Guy!

Nchick: Oh, yeah. He's funny!

NC: Yes. (switches calls) Hello!

Spoony: Three twenty... three p.m.!

NC: Go away. (switches calls) Hey Cinema Snob?

Cinema Snob: Guilty as charged.

NC: Any chance you have Sean's number?

Cinema Snob: Your mom has Sean's number.

NC: Shut up...

(cut to shot of a phone.)

Sean Fausz(voiceover): (singing to the tune of The Greatest American Hero theme) Believe it or not, Sean isn't at home. Leave a message at the beep...

NC: Figures. Let me see if Goggles in on board.

That Chick With The Goggles(voiceover): Hello, That Chick with the Goggles!

NC: Goggles! ... It's time.

Goggles: It is?

NC: Yes. We are taking over Molossia!

Goggles: We're taking over Molossia?

NC(excitedly): I know right, so get your stuff together and come down to-

Goggles: Oh by the way, this has been an answering machine the whole time. Leave your message after the beep. (beep)

NC: (confused look on his face) ...

(Cut to Little Miss Gamer in a weird video-game world)

Little Miss Gamer: Hello?

NC: Little Miss Gamer? I need you help. We are taking over Molossia!

Little Miss Gamer: Oh... yeah, ya know I'd love to Critic, but I'm (dodging things on screen) I'm a little busy right now!

NC: Huh? Doing what?

Little Miss Gamer: Uhh, yeah, I kinda got sucked into my Nintendo game. (punches a duck from Duck Hunt) Freak accident. Now I have to defeat the Mother Brain, restore order to the kingdom, (dodges a goomba) and Link's been acting kinda like a jerk. (Cartoon Link pops up on screen saying "Well, excuuuuse..." before exploding.)

NC(sighing): Hold on, another call. (switches calls) Hello?

Spoony: Three twenty... four p.m.!

NC: Ok, look, I'm putting EVERYBODY on speakerphone. (Hits button and sets down phone.) (shouting) Can-you-hear-me?!

Angry Joe: Yes!

Nchick: Yes.

Phelous: Yes.

Cinema Snob: No. ...I mean yes.

NC: Look, we're taking over the land of Molossia. I'm flying you all out to Nevada so we can prepare for the invasion!

Angry Joe: And where we all gonna stay?

NC: It's ok. I booked everybody a hotel room.

(Scene immediately cuts to a hotel room, in which EVERYONE is crammed into. Visible people are LordKat, Benzaie, Film Brain, Bennett, Paw, Handsome Tom, Linkara, Nostalgia Chick, Spoony, MarzGurl, Cinema Snob, Jew Wario, and Phelous. Everyone looks downtrodden and annoyed.)

Phelous(sarcastically): Well, gee, I didn't see that one coming.

Film Brain(excitedly): Oh boy! I'm excited! (To Handsome Tom) Are you excited?! I'm excited! (pause) Excited! (Handsome Tom turns away.)

Linkara(monotone, and tiredly): (rubbing his head) I cannot believe he dragged us all out here...

Benzaie: Tell me about it! I've got American food I could be puking up right now!

Cinema Snob: (Turning to Spoony) Hey, you look familiar, aren't you that "doctor" guy?

Spoony(suspisciously shocked): What! No.. no.. I mean I don't know what you're talking about. (turns away)

Cinema Snob: Yeah yeah yeah! You're always trying to... take over the world and stuff.

Spoony: NO! I mean I swear I don't know-

Cinema Snob(interrupting): No no no no... you got the goggles and the-

Spoony(shouting): (grabbing Cinema Snob by the jacket) NO! (calming down) I mean... heh... ok. I was before but... (dramatic turn, with close-up on Spoony's face) That was the past... (dramatic music plays as Spoony stares off into nothing)

Cinema Snob: Ok, I'm gonna ignore you now.

(Cut to LordKat standing next to 2D Lee)

LordKat: So you're a picture, huh?

2D Lee: (rolls his eyes and sighs)

(Nostalgia Critic enters)

NC: Alright alright alright alright alright alright alright ALRIGHT! Is everybody here?

LordKat: We sure as hell hope so. We can't fit any more people in this room.

Bennett(worriedly): My god! Where's 8-bit Mickey!

Paw: I think you're sitting on him, dude.

8-bit Mickey: (offscreen, with only his hand and arm visible) That's ok. I didn't want to stand anyway.

NC: Alright people! We are about to do the ballsiest thing any of us have ever done before. We are going to take over the land... of Molossia!

MarzGurl: ...why?!

NC: What?

MarzGurl: Why are we taking over Molossia? I mean, isn't it.. barely an acre of land?

NC: Heh. MarzGurl, do you think anyone else here honestly has that questi-

Everyone: WHY?!

NC: Ok! Ok! Fact is that it's our one opportunity to finally seize control of something. I mean... haven't you ever wanted to rule your own nation?

Jew Wario: Does SimCity count?

NC: This is our chance to finally have power! To create an empire unlike any other!

Linkara: But it's only an acre of land! What can we do with an acre of land?!

NC: What CAN'T we do with an acre of land?!

Film Brain: (wide-eyed) Whoa...

NC: People. What may start as just a small acre of land, will blossom into something larger than any of us can possibly imagine!

Linkara(mockingly): Yeah, like two acres of land! (Everyone chuckles softly.)

NC: You know, there's another group of people that thought like you, Linkara. There were called NAZIS! They were close-minded, hate filled people who just wanted everything their way. (shouting) Are you a Nazi, Linkara?!

Linkara: No.

NC: (even louder) Are you a Nazi, Linkara?!

Linkara: No!

NC: Cause I don't want any Nazis around here!

Linkara(shouting): No! I'm not a Nazi! (everyone stares at him accusingly) I'm not! I'm not! I'm not a Nazi!

NC(calmly): Good. Now let me tell you about a group of people that didn't give up. They were called Nazis! (everyone nods thoughtfully) They had a crazy plan, too. Everybody thought they were nuts. But you know what? They got pretty far, didn't they? Cause they were dedicated.

Everyone: Yeah!

NC: And strong!

Everyone: Yeah!

NC: A lot of people said they were crazy.

Everyone: Ehhhh.

NC: Well everybody says that we're crazy, so that gives us a better advantage, doesn't it?

Everyone: YEAH!

NC: Think about it... First we take Molossia, and then... the neighbors down the street. And then their neighbors, and then their neighbors, and then their neighbors! Until we build a military force so gigantic that nobody would be able to stop us! And then we go global! First we start with Texas. (Angry Joe and MarzGurl nod to each other.) Then Canada. (Phelous smiles) Then France! (Benzaie looks intrigued) And then whatever other nation stands in our way! And then...

Jew Wario(excitedly): Pudding?


Everyone: YEAH!

NC: And don't you let anyone tell you that you can't do it. So what are you people? A Nazi? (everyone groans) OR NAZIS!

(Everyone cheers wildly. Film Brain wipes a tear from his eye. 8-Bit Mickey cheers from the floor. NC walks over to Nostalgia Chick, placing his arm around her.)

NC: By the way... as the obvious future president of this great nation, I am going to need a vice president to be by my side. (Nchick rolls her eyes right before NC grabs her and twirls her around) You're the only one who can keep the Nostalgia name alive... mostly because it's IN your name. Interested?

Nchick: Well, I dunno, I was kinda holding out for... president?

NC: Well, that's all the vice president does.

NChick: Oh. Ok, then.

NC: Cool.

(Nostalgia Critic turns to everyone)

NC: Alright everybody! What are we waiting for? Let's go kick some Molossia!

(Everyone cheers and runs out of the room)

8-Bit Mickey: (last to leave as he opens the door) And 8-bit Mickey!

(Scene cuts to more shots of Molossia. Kevin Baugh is speaking to someone offscreen.)

Kevin Baugh: So. This Nostalgia Critic guy says he might be invading our nation. What do you think?

(Shot cuts to Kevin sitting alone at a table. He slowly gets up, changing into a different outfit with a german hat, and a monocle. (This is Kevin's alter ego, Fritz Von Baugh yet not revealed at this time) He sits in the opposite chair at the table.)

Fritz Von Baugh: I say we keep our defenses high, but not worry too much about it.

(He gets back up, and changes back to President Baugh. He sits back down.)

Kevin Baugh: Good.

(Scene cuts to the Channel Awesome group marching toward Molossia. Benzaie has Beary stuffed in his jacket. Spoony turns and spits on the ground behind him. As they approach Molossia, Film Brain gets the Critic's attention.)

Film Brain(excitedly): We're gonna annihilate them, aren't we? We're going to annihilate them!

NC: (patting Film Brain on the head like a child) Yes Film Brain, but save your energy. You're going to need for all the pointless torturing we're gonna be doing.

Film Brain: (rubs his hands together and smiles gleefully)

(Scene cuts to Kevin Baugh walking outside his home to confront the group.)

8-Bit Mickey: He seems much smaller in person.

Handsome Tom: That because you're far away from him, jackass.

NC: Well, he's about to get a lot closer. CHARGE!

(Everyone runs toward Molossia, yelling. Kevin Baugh remains completely still. The scene cuts back and forth between the group's screaming charge, and Kevin's blank expression. As soon as the group reaches the house, Kevin reveals a machine gun. The group's running charge is now a terrified, screaming retreat. Kevin smirks slightly before calmly heading back into his house, as the group continue running and screaming away from Molossia and back to their hotel. 8-bit Mickey is seen in front of the Molossia sign in the fetal position, sucking his thumb.)

(Cut to the Hotel room.)

Phelous: Well, THAT didn't work.

Bennett: Didn't you have any other strategy outside of going, "Aaaaaaahhhhh!" (waving his hands in mockery)

NC: Well, I didn't think that far ahead.

Cinema Snob: No, you just thought up to where everyone was in charge, and you were ruling the fucking world.

NC: (in unironic argeement) Yes.

Paw: You can't just do that, Critic. You have to plan these things out. You have to have a strategy for god's sake!

NC: Yeah, but that takes hard work. Hard work that we do not have!

MarzGurl: I declare this... "sucking".

LordKat: Me, too. I'm outta here.

Everyone: Yeah yeah yeah... (all get up to leave)

MarzGurl: This is balls.

NC: WAIT! Do you dare leave now in your moment of victory?!

Film Brain: (placing a hand on NC's shoulder and staring off wistfully) I would never leave you, Critic!

NC: (looking freaked out) I know that, Film Brain. (slowly pushes him away) We just need a plan!

Angry Joe: How about be gut them open and wear their organs as hairnets!

NC: Nah, we'd have to get close to them first.

Angry Joe: Aww.

Benzaie: How about I launch Beary over, like a kamikaze bear?

NC: Nah, I think they'd see that coming.

Benzaie: Oh.

(Dr. Spider Smith (from the NC: Lost in Space review) appears next to LordKat in a firey portal.)

Dr Spider Smith: How about a legion of SPY-DERS? They're quite small and fit into most overhead compartments.

NC: NO! How'd you get in here anyway?!

Dr. Spider Smith: ...just want to be loved.


Dr. Spider Smith: Hoh... (his portal floats away as LordKat looks on, bewildered.)

8-bit Mickey: How about we use Tom's head as a battering ram?

Handsome Tom: Hey!

NC: Nah, his head is too soft.

Handsome Tom: Hey!

2D Lee: Maybe we can jump on him and use his turtle shell to get extra points!

NC: That's your answer to everything!

2D Lee(dejected): Well it would work if you gave it a shot!

Phelous: Hey guys, uh, I got an idea. (sarcastic) This might seem like a shot in the dark but what if we just used weapons?

NC: Nah, nah, that's a terrible idea. (long pause) WAIT! I have an idea!

Phelous(sarcastically): Gee, does it involve using weapo-

NC: It involves using weapons!

Phelous: Yeah.

NC: Angry Joe, get your MP5's! Linkara, get your magic gun! Benzaie, start wrapping Beary in explosives! By god, we'll give 'em a battle worth fighting for! And this time... there will be no dawn... for Molossia.

(Sequence involving everyone gearing up for war. Nostalgia Chick puts on a pair of dust goggles. Joe unpacks his MP5's. Bennett turns his hat around and pulls out an Uzi. LordKat puts on a camo mask. Jew Wario becomes Yanki J. Phelous pulls out a sword. Beary gets a grenade attached to him by Benzaie. Mickey dresses as a Spartan warrior, complete with markered on ab muscles. Linkara attaches a stuffed bear to a rope, realizes how strange that is, tosses it away and pulls out his magic gun. Film Brain pulls out a green pistol. MarzGurl pulls on a blue mask. Cinema Snob removes his glasses, spins around... and puts them back on. Paw puts on his headphones and turns them on, creating a proton pack start-up sound. Handsome Tom has changed from his "Hero" shirt to his "Villain" shirt, and shrugs.)

(The scene ends with Nostalgia Critic looking out the hotel window, and suddenly turning to the camera as the scene goes black. "To Be Continued..." appears and the video ends.)

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