October 6th, 2008
(The Nostalgia Critic is seen running in a field from far away as "Requiem: Dies Irae" plays.)
Announcer: The Nostalgia Critic cannot be here right now due to reasons of vengeance, but he has left a recording before he left, for you to enjoy.
(A "Previously Recorded" message comes up as we cut to the NC in his usual room.)
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. To err is human. TO MAKE THE WORST PIECE OF HALF-ASSED COW SHIT TO EVER STAR A BAD ACTING 7-FOOT BASKETBALL SUPERSTAR IS UNFORGIVABLE!!! Sorry, sorry, it's just... WOW, is this one bad! I mean, you have no idea. If this movie was a dog, I'd have it put down. If this movie was a car, I'd have it impounded. If this movie was a starving young woman who pleaded to me for just a bite of my ham and salami sandwich, I WOULD KILL HER! (beat) All right, that's a little dark, but you get what I'm getting at. That's the kind of hatred this movie has driven me to. (sigh) If you haven't guessed yet, I am, of course, talking about the whimsical and magical journey that is... Kazaam.
(The title card and footage from the movie are shown.)
NC (voiceover): It's uninventive, unimaginative, and unbelievably retarded.
NC: But, hey, don't take my word for it! Let's take a look.
NC (voiceover): The movie stars Shaquille O'Neal.
(The camera tries to move away from NC as though an audience member is attempting to leave.)
NC: Sit back down!
NC (voiceover): Apparently, back in the 90's, people thought if you could look in the camera and say "Drink Pepsi," you were considered a good actor.
Kazaam: That's an insult!
NC (voiceover): So Touchstone [Pictures] made a deal with Shaquille O'Neal to star in their latest family-friendly romp. In the movie, Shaquille plays...
NC: (reading the VHS cover to the movie) ...and I'm quoting here, "A rappin' genie with attitude, who's ready for slam dunk fun!". (he spits on it in disgust) What they mean to say is that...
NC (voiceover): ...it's a corporate write-off to make a quick buck to entertain mindless port-a-dummy kids, who think that just because a man can make a decent free-throw means he can make a decent crapped-out movie like this one.
("Note: Shaq's free throws actually blow chunks" comes up on screen)
NC: But I digress. What's the movie about?
NC (voiceover): Well, it opens up with a wrecking ball--no doubt a metaphor for the rest of the film. It knocks over a lamp that apparently holds the genie in, which forces him to fall into a boombox, which I guess the genie decides to call his new home.
NC: A genie in a boombox? Could this possibly be a musical romp? Oh, let's see if the film is so cruel.
NC (voiceover): All right, so we meet a boy named Max [Connor; played by Francis Capra, no relation to Frank Capra], who apparently likes to walk around school and make faces at this mentally retarded kid [played by Jake Glaser, son of Paul Michael Glaser, the director of this film]. He's caught by some bullies who... spray paint him to the ground... (NC shrugs) and chase him all throughout the city of... New Bronx-lynn [Brooklyn, as the movie is partially filmed there]. I love the scene here where he tries to escape the bullies through a fence. (mockingly as said bullies are figuring out how to get to Max) He went through a hole! What do we do? (repeats that five more times) Oh, yeah, go through the hole.
NC: Seriously, a blind amoeba could figure that out!
NC (voiceover): So they chase him into that abandoned building that was being torn down but... stopped being torn down for some reason... where he finds the boombox and accidentally unleashes the genie. Where in the fable does it say genies spin like Tazmanian Devils?
(A Taz face and sounds are played over the scene of Kazaam (O'Neal) appearing.)
Kazaam: AAAAAAH! (rapping) Who dare to wake me?!/Ain't gonna make this a mystery!/Who's that sorry wannabe that disturbed my Z's?
NC: Really? This is that quote-unquote "rapping genie" they were talking about? Um, I should let you guys know that there is a huge difference between rapping and rhyming. Rapping is this.
Clip of The Notorious B.I.G. - "Big Poppa"
Notorious B.I.G: Who rock grooves and make moves with all the mommies?
The back of the club, sippin Moet, is where you'll find me
NC: And rhyming is this: I saw a duck, got a lot of luck... this movie is fuck. You see, it's very, very different.
Kazaam: (rapping) If you've got the itches for a sack of riches, don't matter how avaricious/I'm the man that can grant your wishes!
NC (voiceover): So Kazaam tells Max that he's his genie. But Max doesn't believe him, imagine that, so Kazaam tries to show off his powers and...
(Kazaam produces some sort of magical energy, which turns on him, causing him to disappear.)
NC: Wow. My wish actually came true.
Max: Hey, Kazoo? Kazoo?
(A picture of Gazoo from The Flintstones is put over the scene.)
Gazoo: (dubbed by NC) Right here, dum-dums.
NC (voiceover): So Max goes home and finds out that his mother [played by Ally Walker] is getting engaged to a fireman who looks like Steve Guttenberg's even less talented brother [Travis].
Travis (played by John Costelloe): Listen, Max...I don't intend to take the place of your father.
NC: (as Travis) I just wanna be the guy who humps your mother.
NC (voiceover): He also finds out that his mother lied to him about his real father's whereabouts, and it turns out he's actually located in the city. So Max decides to set out and look for him, hoping to rekindle some sort of sacred family bond. I guess they just abandoned the whole genie thing. It looks like they're gonna focus on the importance of unity and finding your family... (Max turns around and suddenly bumps into Kazaam.) Ah, fuck, there he is.
Max: Are you, like, really lonely or something?
NC (voiceover): So Kazaam pesters Max until he decides to believe him and make a wish. Look at that shit-eating grin. It's the same look he gives when he's advertising something.
Kazaam: (holding an ice cream cone) Don't you wish you had one of these?
(The Baskin Robbins logo comes up over the scene.)
NC (voiceover): Actually, am I the only one who's freaked out by this? A tall, bearded man with an evil grin is following a little boy around, offering him treats, and saying he can make all his wishes come true.
NC: This is a family film, right?
Herbert: (from Family Guy, dubbed over Kazaam) Get your fat ass back here.
NC (voiceover): So Max finally finds his real father, only to discover he's a musical talent agent working in the underground world of pirated music!
NC: That bastardly slime ball!
Kazaam: Who's that loser?
Max: That was my father.
(Kazaam looks blankly at Max, showing no emotion.)
NC (voiceover): (mocking Shaq) I guess I should have an emotion here. But I don't want to. (normal voice) So Max goes to his secret hideout, which is filled with all the stuff T.G.I. Friday's DIDN'T want, and finds you-know-who there [Kazaam]. Here, Max talks about his father and, I guess, Shaq just grins some more.
Kazaam: Is that a wish?
(As he smiles, a Pepsi logo comes up.)
NC (voiceover): Rather than decide to move forward with the plot, they decide to have a pointless bike ride. Here, the genie finally shows off his real powers.
Kazaam: (rapping, as he is flying on his magic bicycle -- it makes sense in context) Don't get all hysterical, say thank you for your miracle/What's the matter, your tongue is broken? Time like this, you should be stokin'!
NC: You want this film to be good, and I'm not jokin'? Grab yourself a J and get to smokin'! No truer words have ever been spoken. You'll see much better once you've been tokin'! See, I can do it, too. It's not hard.
Kazaam: (rapping, as the camera moves in on his face) You know the rules, now comply!/Kazaam, he got (Unlimited supply!)...
NC: OH, MY GOD, SHAQ'S GONNA EAT ME!
(Kazaam flies really fast and then suddenly disappears.)
NC: Did Kazaam just go back to the future?
NC (voiceover): He comes back, looking like a Cadbury egg dressed as Liberace, and finally convinces Max to make his first wish. But in rhyme, of course.
Max: I wish I had junk food from here to the sky!
Kazaam: Why not? Higher than high?
NC: That's an understatement.
NC (voiceover): So Shaq, as the almighty genie, literally makes junk food fall from the sky! But only the stuff he's promoted from past commercials.
(A Taco Bell logo appears as Kazaam smiles once more.)
NC (voiceover): So while munching on his munchies, Max comes to a sudden realization:
Max: Until I make those last two wishes, I own you. Don't I?
NC: So a white person owns a black person to provide services against his will without getting paid. There's a word for that. I can't quite think what it is... um, ownership? No, no, no, no, that's not it, that's not it... (The word "SLAVERY" slowly fades in on the screen.) Um, possession! No, no, no, that's not what I'm lookin' for, either. It's something along the lines of um, um... (He looks down and sees the word.) WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS MOVIE?!
Kazaam: That's horrible.
NC (voiceover): So Max and his--well, I guess there's no other word for it: SLAVE-- go looking around the neighborhood to see if they can find his father again. At some point, his pants fall--I don't know why. I guess it's supposed to be funny, ha-ha--and they end up at his father's place again. Here, they come across an intimidating bodyguard.
(As Kazaam plays with a turntable, a bodyguard comes up to him. Kazaam notices him, smiles again, and the VitaminWater logo comes up.)
Bodyguard: This isn't a toy store. Unless you wanna play...(he puts out his cigarette on his palm while Kazaam cringes at the sight) ...my game.
NC: Of course, what they don't show you in this scene is his face right afterwards.
(A comical face becomes superimposed over the bodyguard and a scream is heard to make it look like he's in pain.)
NC (voiceover): So Max finally locates his father once again, and, as expected, he's a douche.
Nick Matteo (Max's dad; played by James Acheson): Who let this kid in here? What is this, an amusement park?
NC: Ah-ha-ha, amusement park.
NC (voiceover): But once his dad finds out that he LITERALLY produced him, he changes his tone a bit.
Nick: Hey, everybody, quiet down, quiet down! Check this out. This is my boy, Maxwell Matteo!
NC: (as Nick) Hey, how about that? I'm a deadbeat dad. Who knew?
NC (voiceover): So his father invites Max to his hot sexy nightclub--'cause that's the perfect place for a 10 year old [NOTE: Max is actually 12]--where Kazaam starts to dig those groovy, funky beats.
(Salt-n-Pepa are the nightclub performers.)
Salt: (rapping, to Kazaam) Ooh, who's the cutey over there? From another planet, don't just stare! Come over here and let me see you jiggy-jiggy jam it!
NC: Don't encourage him, you'll jiggy-jiggy regret it!
Kazaam: What if they don't like me?
Max: They already don't like you. The question is, what are you gonna do about it?
NC: Sit down and hum quietly?
Kazaam: (rapping) Get set for my tet-a-tet-tet.
(He raps again as NC puts his head down in shame.)
Kazaam: 'Cause I am Kazaam./I'm more than I seem./You all are looking at your dream./In your coffee I'm the cream...
NC: Oh, come on, Vanilla Ice was blacker than this!
Kazaam: Let's green egg and ham it.
NC: (shocked) WHAT?!
Kazaam: Let's green egg and ham it.
NC: What is this, Seuss Doggie Dogg?! I mean, that's the stupidest thing I ever heard in my life! That's something an INFANT says when he's just learning how to read!
Nick (from later on in the film): Never in my life have I ever seen something so stupid!
NC (voiceover): Meanwhile, we come across a guy who has thick eyebrows [Malik, played by Marshall Manesh], so, obviously, he must be the villain. He's interested in the magic gold flashy stuff that comes out of Shaq's boombox. He quickly realizes that he's a genie and tries to use Max's father as a way of controlling him. Meanwhile, Max is back home sleeping, when...
(As Max is sleeping in his bed. Kazaam's hand suddenly comes and covers Max's face. A dramatic sting plays.)
NC (voiceover): Oh, my God... OH, MY GOD!
(The camera pans back, showing Kazaam in bed with Max.)
NC: BAD TOUCH!
(An alarm goes off and NC picks up his phone. The texts that flashing across the screen include "BAD TOUCH!", "This is a pedo no-no!", "Step away from the bathing suit area!" and "Notify an adult!")
NC: 911 Emergency? There's a tall man who's been stalking this kid, giving him treats and now he's touching him while in his bed and wearing his pajamas! HURRY!
Max: GET OFF OF ME, YOU PERVERT! (Falls out of his bed)
NC: That's right, kid, fight him! Fight him!
Max: (sniffing) Ugh! You smell like hippopotamus butt!
(Kazaam uses his powers to start showering in the middle of the room.)
NC (voiceover): OH, MY GOD!!
(The alarm and warnings go off again; NC is on the phone again.)
NC: Now he's bathing in front of him! There's no telling what he's gonna do next! HURRY!
NC (voiceover): So after that bit of I-don't-want-to-know-what, Kazaam comes out and introduces himself as Max's new tutor. 'Cause he really looks like your traditional egghead, doesn't he? He then indulges in yet another pointless scene, where he makes French toast fly.
(Max looks at the floating French toast, which slowly backs away from him)
NC: That's sad when the breakfast is the best actor in the movie.
NC (voiceover): He [Max] then goes outside to talk to Kazaam about how him and his father are not really connecting.
Max: What's, like, the worst thing you've ever seen in your life?
Audience: THIS MOVIE!
NC (voiceover): But rather than talk about their problems, Kazaam decides he wants to do something better: rap about them.
Kazaam: (rapping) I did have this friend in 1,000 B.C.
(NC groans in annoyance and covers his ears.)
Max: (rapping) So that's the whole story? That's all you gotta tell?
Kazaam: (rapping) You gotta listen to my raps from bell to bell.
NC: (calmly as the rap goes on) You know, guys, um, I was thinking, rather than succumbing to what's in the popular norm, I was, um, thinking, maybe you could have a, um, real conversation. You know, nothing too deep, but I'm just saying that, you know, this is a possibility. Maybe there's a deep personal pain that you don't want to acknowledge, that maybe you-- (He finally gets fed up, pulls out his gun, and shoots upward. He then points his gun to the movie.) NOW TALK RIGHT!
Max: I just wanna change things, you know? Make things different.
Kazaam: You're talkin' bout a djinn.
Max: Djinn? What's a djinn?
Kazaam: A djinn is free. A djinn can do anything. Problem is, djinn only exist in fairy tales. And I don't believe in fairy tales.
NC: Wait, what?
Kazaam: Djinn only exist in fairy tales. And I don't believe in fairy tales.
NC: The genie doesn't believe in fairy tales. (He moves himself really close to the camera.) The genie doesn't believe in fairy tales. (He repeatedly smacks the camera.) HELLO?!!
Kazaam: Something's wrong...
NC (voiceover): Ah, screw it; let's just move on with the flick. Max sees his father get beat up by Señor Thick Brows [Malik] and calls on Kazaam for his help.
(Max magically appears in a glass of water that Kazaam is drinking. NC looks confused, then Max actually pops out of the glass, which shatters, and Max appears on the table, soaking wet.)
Max: Kazaam, I gotta make a wish!
Kazaam: What are you doin'? Get off the table!
Max: Kazaam, I need a wish, okay?
Kazaam: Right now?
Max: No, in 250 years, stupid. I need a table.
NC: TIME OUT! What the hell was up with that glass of water thing? What, he was in a glass of water? Suddenly, BOOM! He's on the table. Why did that happen? Is it like Super Mario Bros.? is it a Warp Zone? I mean, what the-- you know what? Forget it. Fine, let's just move on. The movie will be over faster that way.
NC (voiceover): So, anyway, rather than help Max with his problem, Kazaam got a recording deal as a professional rapper. I'm dead serious. I guess his hit single "I Can Jam with Sam I Am" went straight to the top. Meanwhile, the bastard son of Mario and Saddam Hussein [Malik] kidnaps the kid [Max] and takes possession of his boom box. He then gives the kid the shaft and summons Kazaam to his warehouse, where he demands him to do all his evil bidding. Kazaam is powerless to stop his new master. But wait a minute.
(Kazaam's powers are deteiorating and is on the floor. He struggles to regain his powers.)
NC: Fight it, Kazaam. Fight it! You can do it, Kazaam! You can break free from the white man's chains!
(NOTE: Actually, Malik appears to be Middle Eastern, so that comment is incorrect.)
(Kazaam's powers suddenly regain.)
NC: He's gonna go Shaq Fu on your asses!
(Kazaam fights Malik's henchmen, with the theme from Mortal Kombat playing. Cartoonish sound effect bubbles reading "Pepsi!", "Gatorade!" and "Viagra!" come up as he punches the henchmen.)
NC: (cheering) Yeah!
(Kazaam throws a henchman.)
(Kazaam punches another one, then grabs a henchman's rear to lift him and throw him across the room.)
(Kazaam slams his hands on both sides of a henchman's head.)
NC (voiceover): And, in typical basketball all-star fashion, he personally slam-dunks the villain into a garbage chute.
(After Kazaam shapeshifts Malik into a basketball and slam-dunks him into a garbage shaft, he screams in anguish. A Jurassic Park T-Rex roar is dubbed over the scream.)
NC: (distorted) SHAQGASM!!! (the word appears in red over the screen)
NC (voiceover): But, unfortunately, it's too late. Little Max, it appears, is dead. There's nothing to do now but mock this emotionally lacking moment with totally inappropriate music.
(Whitney Houston's "I Will Always Love You" plays over Kazaam mourning Max.)
Kazaam: You're the only friend I've ever had. When you needed me the most... I wasn't there.
NC: Yeah, you were a bit of a douche, Kazaam.
Kazaam: I just wish... I could've granted your wish. I wish I could've filled your heart.
NC: Well, life's a bitch, and then little kids die.
NC (voiceover): Oh, of course he doesn't die. Because Kazaam realizes the value of human life, or something like that, he is free from his bonds, and able to breathe life back into little Max.
Kazaam: You're alive! YOU'RE ALIVE!
(He starts repeatedly kissing Max; once again, the alarm and warnings go off, and NC is back on the phone.)
NC: HE'S KISSING HIM! WHAT MORE DO YOU NEED?!
NC (voiceover): So Shaq brings Max back to life, turns into... this thing [a holographic, shining image of his head], and reunites him back with his father. On top of that, he also becomes human, which means...
Asia Moon: (Kazaam's girlfriend, played by Fawn Reed) (to Kazaam) You're gettin' a job!
Kazaam: A job?! (confused, he looks to Max and mouths "A job?!")
NC: (laughs) A job? He can't get a job. He's a genie! (continues laughing) That's pretty out there! (continues laughing, then fades out and stops) OUT OF MY HAIRY ASS!!!
NC (voiceover): THIS MOVIE IS WRETCHED! A FESTERING SHAQ OF SHIT!
NC: If I had just one wish, one wish, it would be that this movie never existed!
(Unknown to NC, his wish is granted; the screen fades to white to a magical chime, then fades back in.)
NC: And that's why, I have no doubt, that Citizen Kane is one of the worst films of all time-- (He looks at the DVD, shocked, while the audience boos.) No, no, no, there's another movie. It was called Kazaam. No, no, no, it had Shaquille O'Neal. He was a genie; I swear to God, he was a rapping genie, he was in love with a kid--
(A gunshot is then heard.)
(A smiling Kazaam appears.)
Herbert: (from Family Guy) (audio) You like popsicles?