November 6, 2019
(The Channel Awesome logo is displayed, followed by the opening title sequence)
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it–
(Suddenly, he is interrupted by his cell phone beeping. He answers it and notices a text, which he reads)
NC: "Nostalgia Critic! The Justice League is in danger!" (looks up, alarmed) Oh, no! (reads some more) "Their future is in jeopardy! (pronounces it "Geo-PAR-dy") Please meet us at your studio and bring Youtubers [sic] with a connection to cinema!" (looks up) I can't believe such an original super team movie that broke all sorts of box office records is in peril!
(Cut to NC standing on the roof of a building)
NC: Well, if they want YouTubers with a connection to cinema, it's time to light the Cinema Signal!
(He turns on a light aimed toward the sky. He then looks up toward the sky, but it's daytime and too bright to see the signal)
NC: Or I could just give them a call. (takes out cell phone and dials a number, then holds it to his ear) Hey, you want to get drunk and nitpick a movie?
(Suddenly, he hears the sound of someone crashing through the roof behind him, leaving a hole in the roof. Startled, he looks behind him to see the hole, then goes back down inside the building to see where the person who had fallen had landed. It's Chris Atkinson of "Cinema Sins" fame. He looks at NC and nods)
(Then another person crashes into the room: it's Barrett Share of "Music Videos Sins" fame)
(And another crash. This time, there's no one there, just the word "Hello!" floating in mid-air)
Voice (provided by Jeremy Scott, also of "Cinema Sins" fame): Hello!
NC: Jeremy! I must say it's very brave of you to physically transition into talking text with the ding at the end.
Jeremy's Voice: (words displayed) You act as if I had a choice. (To a ding sound, the word "DING!" is added) Ding!
NC: Fantastic! The Cinema Sins are ready for action! (holds up index finger) There's one other YouTuber connected to cinema, or at least has "cinema" in his name, that needs to make the long journey...
(After a beat, NC goes over to a closed door and knocks on it. Inside, Brad Jones, the Cinema Snob, is playing Planet Hollywood: The Game, but the knocking gets his attention. Then NC opens the door and looks in)
NC: Hey, Cinema Snob, want to do a review?
(He puts the board game aside, gets up and follows NC out of the room and down the hall to where the other stand)
NC: All right, CinemaSins and the Cinema Snob, ready to save the Justice League!
Chris: Wait a minute, aren't we forgetting about one other cinema-related YouTuber, Cinmeassacre?
NC: (sighs) Chris, don't you remember? Cinemassacre died a long time ago.
Chris: Did he? Didn't seem very convincing.
Barrett: Aw, of course he did, Chris. Just ask him yourself.
(Cut to James Rolfe, the Angry Video Game Nerd and host of Cinemassacre, sitting on his couch and playing Super Mario Bros., with a fake skin-colored censor bar over his upper lip, which is hiding a very obvious mustache underneath)
Nerd: Oh, yeah, I'm totally dead.
(Cut back to NC and the others)
Barrett: (to Chris) There, you see?
Chris: I don't know, I just have a feeling he's not really dead.
Jeremy's Voice: (words displayed) Also is there something off about his upper lip?
(Cut back to the Nerd)
Nerd: What are you talking about? My lip always looked this way. You're all stupid and...I'm dead, so...piss off.
(Cut back to the rest of the group)
CS: (shrugs) Eh, convinced me.
NC: Yes. (points to camera) Now, don't you come back and save us in our time of need. Dead people have a bad habit of doing that. (nods)
(Cut back one more time to the Nerd)
Nerd: Fucking weirdos.
NC: All right! After so much time building this up...
Chris: We only spent a few minutes.
NC: Is he always like this?
Barrett: (clutching at his head in annoyance) Worse.
NC: ...time to unite the Justice League! (looks out and gestures offscreen) Ah, there they are now.
NC: DC's biggest moneymakers: Wonder Woman, Aquaman, Shazam, Joker! So, what great did you summon us to take on?
Wonder Woman: Oh, no, we didn't summon you.
(The YouTubers all look confused)
CS: You didn't?
Aquaman: No, we're doing fine.
Joker: Better than fine.
Shazam: He's the one that summoned you.
(Suddenly, Cyborg (Malcolm) walks up)
Cyborg: Hey, guys! It's me, Cyborg! (The YouTubers stare in confusion) From the Justice League. (The YouTubers still stare, as Cyborg becomes slightly impatient) Teen Titans? (The YouTubers scratch their heads, and Cyborg rolls his eye in frustration) Go.
YouTubers: (throwing up arms) Oh, yeah, yeah! (Cyborg rolls his eye in frustration)
NC: I know that.
Cyborg: Anyway, I need your guys' help saving the Justice League.
Chris: But why?
Barrett: Yeah, a lot of DC characters are doing great right now.
Cyborg: For them, sure, but if Justice League doesn't become popular again, I may never get another movie!
(The YouTubers stare in confusion. Then we cut to the title for Justice League, followed by footage of that movie)
NC (vo): I guess, in some respect, I see what he's talking about. With the Marvel Cinematic Universe changing the landscape of box office hits, DC was rushing to catch up on the potential gold mine that laid before them.
Chris (vo): They released superhero movies that were all connected, similar to what Marvel had started five years earlier. But where Marvel gracefully eased people into how their world worked with individual hero stories, DC threw unfinished Wikipedia pages posing as films.
CS: As some have pointed out, DC's cinematic lineup was the equivalent of going from...
(An image of the following is superimposed...)
CS (vo): ...a curvy metal rod game at carnivals.
(More clips of Justice League follow)
Barrett (vo): On top of that, due to a family tragedy, (image of the following appears to the right...) Zack Snyder had to leave as director and was replaced by (image of the following appear to the left...) Joss Whedon. And there about as polar opposite as you can get, so the tone of the film seemed to juggle back and forth as well.
Jeremy's Voice: (words displayed) Because of this, Justice League under performed at the box office, still making it's [sic] money back, but not becoming the record breaker DC was hoping for.
Cyborg: Exactly, and now DC is doing movies that barely tie into a continuing story, and they're–
Wonder Woman: (interrupting) Making baaaaaaaank!
(The Justice League is seen dancing slowly to cool music. Wonder Woman is twirling her golden lasso around, Shazam is pretending to ride Aquaman's trident, Aquaman is holding up and tossing various dollar bills around, and Joker is dancing as he holds up a cigarette)
Cyborg: (to the YouTubers) So you see, unless people see the value in a DC Cinematic Universe that connects, there could be no more Justice League, and thus no more me.
Barrett: All right, listen, Jax–
Cyborg: Kano! I mean, Cyborg!
NC: What he said.
Barrett: I don't remember this movie being the greatest, but I remember it being better than DC's other stinkers.
Jeremy's Voice: (words displayed) Yes, with the overflowing positivity (The other YouTubers look down at the text) we give in most of our videos, I'm sure we can find something of value here.
CS: Let's get to it then!
(Everyone else nods in agreement, then they all sit down on the black couch together)
NC: This is our review of the one and only, for now, Justice League!
(Everyone else nods, then Chris looks toward NC)
Chris: I was promised booze.
NC: In the kitchen.
(Everyone else gets up from the couch, much to NC's confusion. We cut to the movie, which opens with firemen battling a fire and saving a person's life as Superman looks on and shakes a fireman's hand, all taking place on what looks like someone's phone camera)
Barrett (vo): Wow, this movie had a smaller budget than I thought.
CS (vo): This studio is okay when Whedon said he wanted to turn this into a found footage movie.
(The YouTubers now hold bottles/mugs of alcohol in their hands)
NC: So, one of the biggest criticisms is that Henry Cavill was under contract...
(Cut to a shot of Mission: Impossible – Fallout, showing Cavill's character August Walker)
NC (vo): ...not to shave his mustache when shooting Mission: Impossible 6.
(Cut to another shot of Cavill, this time without his mustache and wearing no shirt, exposing his manly, hairy chest)
NC (vo): Which means they had to digitally remove it when he came back to play Superman.
Chris: But this movie had a budget of over $300 million.
Chris (vo): I'm sure they made it look okay.
Female Reporter: (to Superman) May I ask you some questions?
(Superman then looks toward the camera, exposing his rather crooked-looking teeth as he smiles and speaks. The YouTubers all yelp in startled shock at this sight and take a big swig of their alcohol)
Barrett (vo): Christ! Did he brush his teeth with kryptonite toothpaste?!
Chris: Yeah, didn't know Mouse Man (Image of Mouse Man, a Wonder Woman villain appears in the corner) was in this movie!
NC: (pointing to camera) Still waiting on his own film, DC. (Barrett also points to camera)
Reporter: What's the best thing about Planet Earth?
Jeremy's Voice: (words displayed) You can keep stealing from Marvel (An image of Spider-Man appears in the corner) and no one will care.
NC (vo): By the way, Superman never does answer this question in the movie. Presumably, his legal team interrupted before cutting.
Reporter: What's the best thing about Planet Earth?
(Cut to a clip of the movie A Few Good Men, showing Judge Randolph (J.A. Preston) saying...)
Judge Randolph: You don't have to answer that question.
(Cut back to Justice League, where the video showing Superman is cut off. We then cut to Gotham City)
Chris (vo): Cut to Gotham City – more the set of (image of the following appears in corner...) Holy Musical B@man! – where a criminal's robbing a...pigeon trainer's house? (Camera zooms on the pigeon cage in question)
Barrett: Hey, they make coin, man.
NC (vo): He's stopped by the Caped Crusader, though, played by Ben Affleck.
(Batman catches the criminal in a grappling wire and lets a little bit of line go, bringing the criminal to teeter on the edge of the building)
Criminal: What are you doing?! Wait! (Batman lets a little more wire go, causing the criminal to teeter further) Wait, WAIT!
CS: Hoo-hoo! We're finally gonna see what happened to Johnny Gobs!
NC (vo): It turns out Batman was using this criminal's fear to lure out an alien menace known as the Parademons.
Barrett: For such a cool name, why do they look like...
(As the Parademon is shown, an image appears in the corner of...)
Barrett (vo): ...the Bee Twins from The Tick?
(Batman fires a net gun at the Parademon, trapping it against the wall)
NC (vo; as Parademon): I just wanted to tempt your tummy with the taste of nuts and honey!
(The Parademon explodes in a cascade of fiery sparks and green goo, leaving only a small pile of green goo)
CS (vo): He blows up, but Batman is afraid they're might be more. Or...rather, the criminal is afraid they're might be more? (laughs) Yeah, things are cool between them now.
Criminal: What was that?
Batman: A Scout.
Criminal: From space.
(Cut to Bruce Wayne's mansion, where Alfred Pennyworth (Jeremy Irons) is listening in)
Criminal: (offscreen) Like an alien army?
Batman: (offscreen) Alfred, are you seeing this?
NC: Alfred? (as Alfred) You're Bruce Wayne? (laughs) I thought you had a Wayne-ish jaw, like–
(He is interrupted as Barrett throws a batarang at his head, impaling his head and presumably killing him. Back to the movie, Batman runs to the edge of the roof)
Criminal: It's 'cause they know he's dead, right? Superman. Where does that leave us?
Jeremy's Voice: (words displayed) Still able to rob shit. Hello, you're a criminal!
(The opening credits are shown, while a black flag with the Superman logo on it is draped over the Notre Dame cathedral in Paris)
Barrett (vo): The opening credits show a world without Superman. Which, apparently means a lot more violence, a lot more slow-mo, and a lot more slow songs.
NC (vo): Eh, Snyder's used to (shows the opening credits of Watchman to compare the two) ripping off himself; he can do it again with these credits.
(A criminal is holding a gun)
Police Officer (offscreen): Drop your guns now!
(The criminal fires two shots)
NC (vo): We then see the Kingsmen seizing the central criminal court.
(The target scope of a sniper rifle is shown, pointed at a criminal as he tips his hat)
Jeremy's Voice: (words displayed) Uh...bang?
NC (vo:) As Wonder Woman, played by Gal Gadot, decided now is a good time to come out of retirement.
(In the movie, Wonder Woman breaks in and starts fighting the criminals)
NC (vo): Yeah, not 9/11, World War II, or anything like that. Just a place being blown up.
(A criminal shoots at civilians, but Wonder Woman runs in front of them, deflecting the bullets with her gauntlets)
Chris: Well, does this tie into the plot?
NC: To remind you that Wonder Woman was a hit.
Chris Yeah, but I thought that...
(NC points over to the right where Wonder Woman, Aquaman, Shazam, and Joker are still dancing and throwing money as music plays. Chris nods his head, and we return to the movie where Wonder Woman has a criminal trapped in her Lasso of Truth)
Wonder Woman: Who are you?
Criminal: You're too late. The countdown has already begun.
CS (vo; as criminal): Of course, the code to disarm is thirty-six one five– Damn! Lasso!
(Wonder Woman opens the box that contains the bomb, and then throws it through a window into the air where it explodes)
Chris: I'm glad the people are safe, but...poor birds.
(The scene is shown again, but with a still image of Tweety, Toucan Sam, Woody Woodpecker, and Woodstock flying across the screen as the bomb explodes. Then we cut to Aquaman's turf at the seashore)
Chris (vo): We see Batman approaching a village, where Aquaman, played by Jason Momoa, is the Dothraki sent to constantly save the day.
Bruce Wayne: Fight comes, we'll need you.
Arthur Curry: Don't count on it, Batman.
NC (vo; whispering): Did you hear that? That guy's Batman!
Barrett (vo): Nah, I heard he looked like the guy from Twilight.
Arthur: A strong man is strongest alone.
Bruce: Ever hear of Superman? He died fighting next to me.
NC: (as Bruce) I know, because I originally tried to kill him.
Chris: It's a complicated story, but don't worry, it makes no sense.
(On his private jet, Bruce shaves himself, removing his mustache and beard)
Barrett (as Bruce): Ah, shaved. Now no one will know it's me.
Alfred Pennyworth (Jeremy Irons): This is the day where one's biggest concerns were exploding wind-up penguins.
Wayne: Yeah, I also miss Bane.
(Cut to a prison, where Barry Allen, AKA The Flash (played by Ezra Miller), is visiting)
NC (vo): We then see The Flash, played by Ezra Miller, visiting his father [Henry] in prison.
Man behind Barry: Hurry it up, will ya?
(Barry turns around to face and is intimidated by his enormous size. The YouTubers stare, nonplussed, then all except NC take a swig of their containers. NC just stares)
NC: ...Oh, I get it– (stops himself, realizing he's got nothing) Eh... (takes a swig himself)
Henry Allen: (talking to Barry on the phone) I can't sit here and watch you run in place for some old dude who's not going anywhere.
Barry: Dad, that's not true.
Prison guard: It's time.
Chris (vo): As you may have noticed, these character backstories are quickly rushed, so you weren't given much time to connect with them.
Barrett (vo): Yeah, Marvel had a bad habit of giving most of the Avengers their own movies, so they didn't need to explain much when they met up.
CS: Wait, are you telling me that the Suicide Squad doesn't make any appearance in this movie?
CS: Okay, good.
Cyborg: See, that's what I'm talking about. Like, look at my intro...
(The movie shows the first appearance of Victor Stone, AKA Cyborg (played by Ray Fisher), with his father Silas (Joe Morton))
Cyborg (vo): It's mostly just talking. There's no flashbacks, it's just me saying what happened to me, rather than showing what happened to me.
Cyborg in movie: I can access everything.
Silas: I lost your mother in that accident. The box stays hidden.
Cyborg: I got a language in my head that I don't speak.
Barrett: (to Cyborg) It is a good point. (turns to the other YouTubers) I mean, what were your thoughts about Black Widow in Iron Man 2?
CS: (confused) She was in Iron Man 2?
(Shots of Black Widow in the Marvel movies are shown)
Barrett (vo): But the more she interacts with others, the more she forms her character. People want to see her in her own movie now because she had unique scenes with unique interactions.
(Cut back to Cyborg in Justice League)
Chris (vo): Here, we have Cyborg having a brooding talk in his apartment, a brooding talk on a rooftop, and, I think, a brooding talk against a green screen.
(Cyborg is actually interacting with Diana Prince (played by Gal Gadot), but the dialogue heard is audio from The Room, with Cyborg speaking in the voice of Johnny (Tommy Wiseau) and Diana in the voice of Mark (Greg Sestero))
Johnny (vo): Oh, hi, Mark.
Mark (vo): Oh, hey, Johnny. What's up?
Johnny (vo): I have a problem with Lisa. She said that I hit her.
Mark (vo): What?
Chris (vo): Why are we suddenly supposed to be invested after that?
(Cut back to Cyborg in the studio, as the the Justice League group gathers around him)
Wonder Woman: (to Cyborg) See, that's what I'm talking about, man. You just gotta be your own thing.
Aquaman: You don't need to have the connection with them, baby.
Joker: Yeah, if I was gonna fight Ben Affleck's Batman, I'd be like a million years old.
Shazam: Hell, Batman's a vigilante, and they sell toys of him in my universe.
Justice League group: (in unison) Let it go... Let it go...
Cyborg: No! I believe in the sanctity of the Justice League and all of me getting my own– all of us getting our own movie... (looks around in confusion)
(The YouTubers stare in confusion)
Jeremy's Voice: (words displayed) I haven't said anything in awhile so DING! (A "ding" sound is heard)
CS (vo): Meanwhile, on Thermoscir... um, Amazon Island...
Jeremy's Voice: (words displayed) I already made that joke!
CS (vo): I already don't care. ...the Amazons guard a powerful device called the Mother Box...
NC: Mother Box?
CS: Yeah, she married the GameCube and gave birth to the Game Boy.
(The Mother Box starts shaking and cracking as a bright glow appears in it through the cracks)
CS (vo): ...as something awakens it, causing great distress.
(Suddenly, a beam of light emerges as another beam appears in the room from above, while audio from Aladdin is heard)
Genie (vo): Whoa! Wow, does it feel good to be outta there!
(Suddenly, Steppenwolf appears in the room, along with an army of winged minions)
Chris (vo): A basement-bargain Thanos appears, named Steppenwolf, voiced by Ciarán Hinds, who tries to steal the Mother Box for himself.
Steppenwolf: At last, you called me home.
Barrett: Oh, my God!
(An image of Superman from earlier in the movie appears next to Steppenwolf)
Barrett (vo): Superman's upper lip has mutated and become the villain of this movie!
NC: No, no, it's just an unwanted Soulcalibur character, even down to the weapon he uses.
(Footage of a Soulcalibur game is shown, with Steppenwolf and the Amazons edited in. He is shown attacking them with his weapon of choice, a battleaxe)
NC (vo; as the following yellow text appears): STEPPENWOLF WINS!
Steppenwolf (voiced by Doug): I turned down a cameo in Game of Thrones for this.
(Back to the movie, Steppenwolf takes the Mother Box and starts teleporting away with it)
Jeremy's Voice: (words displayed) Ha! Take that Marvel! We didn't wait for the end to get our shitty sky portal, we threw it right in the first 30 minutes!
NC (vo): Steppenwolf grabs the Mother Box, and the Amazons signal Diana by firing a flaming arrow, burning down an ancient monumental building.
(Said burning is on the news, as seen on a TV back on the mainland)
Chris: You know, a phone could work.
(We then cut to the Daily Planet, where Lois Lane, played by Amy Adams, works)
Barrett (vo): Lois Lane, played by Amy Adams, talks about the death of Clark, while a seemingly high-larious news story plays.
(An elderly woman, played by Tara Ward, is being interviewed on a TV screen, with the headline "ALIENS STOLE MY HUSBAND" displayed on it)
Woman on TV: My Howard is a good man. And these aliens are gonna (beep)ing probe him?! Well, I'll stick a (beep) probe up your alien (beep)!
CS: (sarcastically) Gee, I wonder if this was a Joss Whedon-written scene.
Newscaster: This janitor's wife had some strong words for the aliens she says stole her man.
CS: (laughs sarcastically, then stops abruptly, scowling) Seriously, we all know aliens are real, so if you see her husband, let us know.
Chris: (grinning) But swearing ladies, right?! (The sound of canned laughter is heard)
(In the movie, a coworker comes up to Lane)
Coworker: Who is your source? Um, the activist? Who's your guy?
Lane: Well, I'll see if she'll take your call.
Coworker: (laughs) So it's a she.
NC: (putting his hand over his mouth in mock shock; as this acquaintance) Oh-ho-ho-ho! Next, you'll be telling me they can leave the kitchens and fight crime! Oh-ho-ho, scandal!
Lois: (softly, to a female coworker) It's not a she.
(The YouTubers shrug in awkward confusion)
CS: We apologize for this confusing lesson.
Barrett: We now return you to your superhero movie.
(Diana Prince meets up with Bruce Wayne as they stroll casually together)
Chris (vo): Thankfully, Diana meets up with Bruce, as, let's be honest, they're the closest thing to any chemistry of any kind in this movie.
CS: Oh, I don't know, I think Bruce and Alfred's romance will send hearts aflutter.
Bruce: I think there's an attack coming.
Diana: It's already here.
NC (vo): Diana tells us about Steppenwolf while showing us what clearly should have been the climax of this movie, as men, Amazons, fish, and Ryan Reynolds nightmares fought him off from collecting three Mother Boxes to rule the everything.
Diana: (narrating) All the tribes of men fought side by side. Even the gods themselves all acted as one.
Chris: Now it's six people...
(Cut to a shot of the newly-formed Justice League, standing on the edge of a rooftop, consisting of Cyborg, The Flash, Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman and Aquaman)
Chris (vo): ...who look like dirty amusement park statues.
(The scene freezes and NC appears among them)
NC: (imitating a child) Look, Mom! I'm next to Wonder Woman! Wow!
CS (vo): Okay, so I'm not entirely sure why all these armies can't just get together again...
(Cut to footage of Barry Allen entering an abandoned building)
CS (vo): ...but we do get everyone's favorite part about the movie, The Flash.
Cyborg: That's right! Everybody who saw this movie could get behind The Flash!
Barrett: Oh, yeah, I do remember him being pretty funny in this movie.
Chris: Yeah, it's nice to get some comedy in these gloomy DC films.
(In the movie, Bruce, inside the abandoned building, holds up a picture of what looks like Barry to Barry himself)
Bruce: Tell me about this.
Barry: It's a...person who looks exactly like me, but who is definitely not me.
NC: (feeling uncomfortable) Okay, th-th-that was a rocky start, but I remember the rest of his stuff being pretty funny.
Barry: My special skills include viola, web design, fluent in sign language, gorilla sign language...
Barrett: (chuckles) That old gorilla sign language routine.
(Bruce and Barry walk outside to the former's car while Barry eats pizza from a pizza box in his hand)
Barry: It caused me to burn a tremendous amount of calories, so I'm just a black hole of snacks. I'm a snack hole.
(The YouTubers stare in confusion at that lame pun. NC looks apprehensive while CS' face twitches)
CS: Were we just looking for anything to like about this movie?
NC: Well, uh... Hey, it's gotta be a lot better than that (Image of the following is superimposed...) CW Flash, which has... Anybody seen that show?
Chris: I have.
(The word "GOOD" appears in yellow in the image)
Chris: We're in trouble.
Cyborg: You don't get it, man! Everybody was like "DC, you're too gloomy! You need to lighten up!" Well, now we have some comedy for you.
Chris: I mean, yeah, I guess 'cause we saw a little humor in these movies, we thought it was okay, but...
Barrett: But now, looking back, it's... (shrugs)
Barry: (to Bruce) ...like brunch! What is brunch? You wait in line for an hour for–
(The YouTubers were all taking a swig at once, but they all get annoyed)
YouTubers: (in unison) OH, SHUT UP, JOSS WHEDON!
Cyborg: Hey, lay off! That's our shawarma! I mean, (The YouTubers stare at him) something totally original! (points to NC's bottle) Could I have a sip of that?
(He hands the bottle to Cyborg, who takes a big sip. In the movie, Bruce throws a Batarang at Barry, but Barry sends out an electrical charge that slows down time and space, and he catches the Batarang as it comes toward him)
Jeremy's Voice: (words displayed) Um...what if he had the wrong guy? Bruce Wayne would just have another (Image of the Robin costume from Batman v Superman reading "Hahaha joke's on you, Batman" appears in the corner) dead kid he'd have to mop up.
(The scene of Bruce throwing the Batarang is shown again, but this time cutting out Barry's powers so that it looks like Bruce hits and kills the kid with it, as evidenced by the edited-in blood spurting out)
NC (vo; as Bruce): Oh, that's the sixth Flash I've killed this week.
(We then cut to a boat as it sinks into a stormy sea, with Aquaman jumping on top of it)
Chris (vo): After watching what clearly should have been the introduction of Aquaman...
(Aquaman rescues a man on the ship and brings him into an inn, throwing him on a table, surrounded by other men)
CS (vo): Oh, lunchtime!
(Aquaman then dives into the ocean)
Chris (vo): ...he goes back to his kingdom to try and stop Steppenwolf as well as continue to have no chemistry with Amber Heard.
Mera (Amber Heard): (to Aquaman) When my parents fought in the wars, she took me in.
Aquaman: What a saint.
Mera: You dare speak of Queen Atlanna that way?
Barrett: Oh, thank God, we're back to...
(A collage of scenes in the movie showing two people talking, with alternating shots between the two, is shown)
Barrett (vo): ...two people talking in left-right justified shots.
NC: We missed you in your three-minute absence.
Barrett (vo): Steppenwolf gets the Mother Box and sets up camp in Russia.
(The Parademons all fly over toward a nuclear power plant in Russia, presumably Steppenwolf's new headquarters)
CS (vo): Finally, HBO tells us the truth about Chernobyl!
(We then cut back to Gotham, where Commissioner James Gordon, played by J.K. Simmons, looks over some very crude drawings of Batman)
NC (vo): Unsatisfied with his pictures of Spider-Man, J.K. Simmons as Gordon sees pictures of Batman aren't much better, as he summons him to save kidnapped people at Gotham Harvard?
(On the rooftop, where the bat-signal is, Batman, Wonder Woman and The Flash appear)
Gordon: Do you really think that– (turns around, then stops as he sees Batman and Wonder Woman are gone, but The Flash is still there)
The Flash: Oh, wow, they just... They really just vanished. Huh? (turns behind him briefly) Oh. That's rude.
(The YouTubers stare, nonplussed, then turn towards Cyborg again)
Cyborg: Hey, he's a vital part to these movies, man. A vital part!
(Suddenly, there's a flash of light and The Flash (played by Walter) appears inside)
The Flash: (reaching his hand out) Listen to me now! Lois Lane's the key! Find us! FIND US, BRUCE!
Cyborg: (rubbing the back of his neck) Yeah...I don't think we're following through with that anymore.
The Flash: Oh, okay. (turns to disappear back through light, but then stops and turns back) Wait! (Cyborg rolls his eyes) I need to tell you about brunch! WHAT IS THAT?!
(Cyborg reaches out his arm and fires a laser shot from it. It hits The Flash's light and they disappear. Cyborg then turns back to the still-nonplussed YouTubers)
Cyborg: (whispering) A vital part!
CS (vo): Steppenwolf starts killing people until he's told where to find what he's looking for.
Steppenwolf: (holding up Silas Stone by his neck) WHERE IS MY MOTHER BOX?!
Jeremy's Voice: (words displayed) Tee-hee, that still sounds so funny.
(The Justice League, led by Batman and Wonder Woman, invade and start battling the Parademons)
CS (vo): As the Justice League turns into the Injustice League, the whole fight sequence has the effects of a DC video game.
(Unfortunately, the Parademons start managing to land some heavy blows on the League)
Barrett (vo; sarcastically): Boy, you really feel the weight of movement into every scene, don't you?
CS (vo): Sure, the weight of a hand moving a mouse and getting carpal tunnel is very felt here.
(Having been attacked and damaged in the fight, The Flash stands up, sparking and flashing)
The Flash (vo; in the voice of Butt-head): Uh, did I just score?
Cyborg: (working on a computer) Thanks, Alfred, but I'll take it from here.
Alfred: Uh, do I know you?
NC: (as Alfred) Did Brucie get another boy toy while I was out?
Barrett (vo): Aquaman joins the fight as well... I mentioned this as an afterthought, because the movie does, too. ...and they fight Steppenwolf off.
Chris (vo): However, Cyborg finds the final Mother Box, and they go to the Batcave.
(The Justice League starts descending into the Batcave...)
Chris: (confused) Via...animated...
(As we cut back and the elevator is shown again, a shot of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles arcade game is shown in the corner, showing one of the Turtles standing on an elevator in the Technodrome)
Chris (vo): ...Technodrome elevator.
Barry Allen: (entering the Batcave) Wow! It's like a cave! (whispering) Like a Batcave!
(The YouTubers, once again nonplussed, once again look towards Cyborg)
Cyborg: Look, if you just imagine him less as a superhero and more as Jason from The Good Place, this really works a lot better.
(Cut to Barry's earlier meeting with Bruce, looking at the picture of what looks like Barry)
Barry: It's a...person who looks exactly like me, but who is definitely not me.
(Cut to a clip of an episode of The Good Place)
Jason Mendoza (Manny Jacinto): I mean, Jason? Who is Jason?
(Cut back to Justice League)
Barry: So, is this a bad time to bring up my blood sugar?
(Cut to another clip of The Good Place)
Jason: You got it, homey! Now you've good advice!
Cyborg: (excited) See?! That works! (points) That works!
(The Justice League surrounds him)
Aquaman: (taking Cyborg by the shoulder) Come on, buddy!
(The Justice League starts to escort Cyborg away)
Cyborg: (crazed voice) JUSTICE LEAGUE!
Wonder Woman: We got you, man. We got you.
Cyborg: We cost more than the Avengers (The YouTubers continue to stare) and we look better than the Avengers!
Wonder Woman: (to the YouTubers) I am so sorry about all this.
Cyborg: BOOYAH! BOOYAH!
(With that, we go to a commercial break. Upon return, the movie resumes in the Batcave)
NC (vo): So Batman has a plan to use the Mother Box to bring Superman back to life, as he feels he's the missing key to defeating Steppenwolf.
Diana: Superman...is dead.
Bruce: We don't know what state he's in.
Barrett (vo; as Bruce): Don't you bat-splain to me!
Bruce: Superman...was a beacon to the world.
NC: (as Bruce) That's why a lot of the world feared him and I tried to kill him.
CS (vo): So Party City somehow sneaks into this high-security base, and they dig up Superman, but make fist-bump jokes so it's not creepy.
(As he and Cyborg exhume Superman's grave, Barry reaches his fist out to Cyborg, who looks at him, confused)
Barry: (withdrawing his fist) Okay, we're not ready for...racially-charged...
Barrett: I'm glad we all agreed that Justice League grave-robbing is cute.
(There is a bright glow of light, and Superman's eyes open wide)
CS (vo): They use the technology to bring him back to life.
(Superman flies high into the air, hovers briefly, then drops back down to the ground, bare-chested and wearing pants)
Barrett (vo): Superman lives!
(Cut to a shot of Keanu Reeves wearing Superman's outfit)
Barrett (vo): God, that would've made this more fun.
(Cut back to the movie, as he sees the Justice League standing before him)
Barrett (vo): No, I mean he's resurrected, but with his memories all screwed up, so he sees the Justice League as a threat.
(He throws a boulder at Wonder Woman, who breaks it with a slash of her sword. Then he uses his heat vision on Cyborg, who blocks it with his arm. Aquaman jumps at him, but Superman punches him away. Then Wonder Woman tries to hit him with her shield, but he grabs her by her throat in one arm, then grabs Aquaman's spear, holding him. Then Cyborg grabs Superman by his front, trying to push him, but Superman remains unfazed)
CS: And they said they'd never make a sequel to Brightburn.
(The Flash punches the ground, causing an electrical surge that slows down time and space as he runs toward Superman, who, while still trying to hold the Justice League, looks toward The Flash out of the corner of his eye)
Chris: What does it say when the best part of a $300 million superhero movie...
Chris (vo): ...is an eye turn?
(Superman throws the League aside and then punches The Flash away. Then Batman runs up)
Superman: (hushed) I know you.
Jeremy's Voice: (words displayed) You resurrected me with this shitty upper lip!
(Then a police car pulls up, and Lois and a policeman come out. Lois runs up to Superman while the policeman draws his gun)
(A green arrow points to the policeman)
NC (vo; as policeman): His real name is Clark?!
(Cut to an earlier scene with Bruce and Arthur)
NC (vo; as policeman): God, next to Bruce Wayne, you guys suck at keeping identities!
(Seeing Lois, Superman sighs, then throws Batman aside, whom he was holding at this time. NC imitates Batman groaning as he falls. Superman and Lois embrace and then he takes off, taking Lois with him. The Justice League watches them go)
NC (vo): But Lois arrives, hopefully knocking some sense into his brain, or at least into his shorts, while Steppenwolf steals the final Mother Box, which they left totally unguarded.
(Batman, who had been knocked out from being thrown by Superman, comes to)
Batman: (groaning) Yeah, something's definitely bleeding.
YouTubers: (in unison, listlessly) Thanks, Joss.
(Suddenly, Cyborg returns)
Cyborg: Guys, I've done it. I found the perfect way to make you see the genius of this movie. I brought back Cinemassacre as a pissed-off, super-mecha death cry!
(Suddenly, they hear the sound of machine gunfire and look up to spot the Angry Video Game Nerd, with his lower half replaced by a tank and covered with various machine guns that fire in all directions at once. He is flipping the double bird as the tank goes back and forth, while yelling, "FUCKER!!!")
Cyborg: See? Isn't that awesomely epic?!
(The YouTubers are more confused than anything)
CS: Hmm, I guess it's awesome.
NC: But it's not really epic.
Cyborg: What?! How?!
Chris: We knew he was gonna come back anyway.
Barrett: It's not really furthering anything.
NC: If anything, it kind of just slows stuff down.
Cyborg: It's awesome, so it's awesomely epic!
(The Justice League returns and take Cyborg by his arms)
Wonder Woman: Oh-ho-ho, come on, sweetie.
Cyborg: It's what you've all been waiting for!
Aquaman: Everybody loves you, buddy.
(Again, they start to take Cyborg away)
Cyborg: Everybody loves me, buddy.
Aquaman: That's right.
Wonder Woman: (whispering to the YouTubers) Again, so sorry.
Nerd: OKAY, I'LL BE OVER HERE THEN!
(Its engine revving, the Nerd tank moves quickly out of the room, crashing through the wall as it does so, leaving a destroyed wall in its wake)
NC: Yeah, this studio didn't have enough holes.
Jeremy's Voice: (words displayed) Kind of like this movie, DING! (A "ding" sound is heard)
(Superman takes Lois to the Kent farm and sets down there)
Chris (vo): Superman takes Lois to the farm, where it's always permanently magic hour o'clock, when, after coming back from the dead, this is what they have to say to each other...
Lois: You smell good.
Superman: Did I not before?
(The YouTubers stare at one another and shrug in confusion)
YouTubers: (in unison) Thanks, Joss?
(Lois and Superman are in a cornfield outside the Kent house)
Chris (vo): Don't worry, it gets stranger.
Lois: What was it like? Coming back?
Superman: (now wearing a plaid shirt) Itchy.
NC: Okay, seriously, did a preschooler write this?!
NC (vo; as Lois, high-pitched girly tone): You smell good! (as Superman, slightly lower boy's voice) Did I not before? (as Lois again) What was it like coming back? (as Superman again) Itchy.
(As Lois and Superman look at each other and smile, NC, still speaking on their behalf, giggles as both of them)
Barrett (vo): Here's a Zen riddle: what's flatter in this scene, the green screen or his acting?
Superman: Just got out of a wooden box? I mean, honestly, weird, in so many ways.
CS: This is nice. I do hope that they include...
(As Lois and Superman continue to have their moment, a shot of an exploding mushroom cloud is edited in in the background)
CS (vo): ...Steppenwolf nuking the world in the background.
CS: Their ignoring of Armageddon just shows how much they're in love.
(Superman and Lois embrace)
Superman: You called Mom.
Chris: You do have better chemistry with her than Lois.
(The Justice League prepares for their battle with Superman)
Chris (vo): The team gets ready to take him on, but not before Aquaman reveals some embarrassing secrets.
Aquaman: (to Wonder Woman) You're gorgeous and fierce, and you know what? I don't want to die.
Batman: Maybe I'm scared because...
(Aquaman opens a compartment, revealing Wonder Woman's Golden Lasso of Truth. Batman shrugs)
NC: Ah, screw it! Let's keep it going!
NC (vo; as Aquaman): Game of Thrones is overrated.
Chris (vo; as Aquaman): Bad Batch is underrated.
Barrett (vo; as Aquaman): There aren't enough jokes about me being in Stargate Atlantis.
CS: (as Aquaman) And I banged Nicole Kidman!
Jeremy's Voice: (words displayed) But she likes to say she banged me.
(The climax of the movie starts as Batman flies his plane in to Russia, where Steppenwolf has set up shop. The sky has a reddish tint to it)
CS (vo): Something many people have noticed is the climax of this movie changed...
(Comparison shots are shown of both the original intended dark/gray scenery to the reddish tint in the movie now)
CS (vo): ...from having a darker gray sky to a neon red sky.
NC (vo): What do they think this is, (A shot of Batman in Batman: The Animated Series appears in the corner briefly) Batman: The Animated Series? Actually, he is animated for most of this. It checks out.
Chris (vo): Even when they get off the plane, the color correction goes from steel blue to Garfield orange.
Barrett (vo): Honestly, it matches the inconsistencies for the rest of the climax, like how there are flying Parademons that are supposed to be scary, but also Nickelodeon slime as their blood.
(A random family is shown taking refuge in the house one minute and then taking off in their truck to avoid getting attacked by the Paradmeons the next, just as their house is destroyed)
CS (vo): And don't forget how they're focusing mainly on this one family, but suddenly, it's revealed there's more to be saved, even though we never see them.
Chris: What are you talking about? (points) There's some...
(A green arrow appears on the screen, pointing out other refugees fleeing the terror)
Chris (vo): ...in that corner of the screen...
Chris: (pointing again) There's some...
(Another green arrow points out other refugees)
Chris (vo): ...at that corner of the screen.
CS: At least in Man of Steel...
(A clip of that movie is displayed at the bottom of the screen, showing people running in terror of the spaceships sucking away pieces of city buildings)
CS: ...we can clearly see who's being ignored.
(Speaking of which, in the movie, Superman, now in his normal attire, red cape and all, shows up in Russia to join the fight)
NC (vo): Oh, speaking of which, he's back.
(Superman punches a Parademon so hard that he sends it FLYING into a brick wall, which it hit so hard that it smashes to bits)
Barrett: Wow, I really thought he was gonna sit this one out.
Chris: Hey, at least it earned one of the most awkward Batman faces ever given.
(In the movie, Batman sees Superman and smiles awkwardly at his presence, seeing as he has back and ready for action)
(A shot of Batman's expression is shown, along with four other shots of awkward expressions by Batman (One photo from Batman Begins, one photo from Batman Returns, One photo from The Dark Knight Rises and one photo from Batman Forever ) and the words "FUNNY BATMAN FACE LINEUP" appearing at the top of the screen. The one just seen slides around above the other four, as though looking for a place to go)
CS (vo): I think that face goes... here.
(The Batman image sliding around goes into an empty space between the third and fourth Batman images. NC nods in satisfaction)
CS (vo): Part of the reason the climax feels so empty – I mean, apart from everything being set up backwards – is the CG is not only fake, but also cluttered. Because this is an alien design, it's hard to keep up with what we're looking at.
(Cut to a clip of a similar action scene in The Avengers)
Chris (vo): Avengers, an amazingly cheaper movie to make, didn't always have convincing effects, but it was in a location we all recognize and well-lit.
(Cut back to Justice League)
Chris (vo): So we're not always asking are we on a building, in a building, far away or really close.
Barrett (vo): Everything is somehow too dark and too bright at the same time, with heavy shadows for a darker background, but a lighter background given instead.
NC (vo): Even the colors look really rushed. I mean, I know it's gonna sound weird, but with the obvious green screen, fake effects, and turned-up colors, it kind of looks like (Footage of NC's video of Suicide Squad is displayed in the corner) one of my reviews. The greatest combination of heroes should not look like a review show I put together in a week!
(Batman and Superman stare at each other, then Batman points out the light emanating from the Mother Box)
Batman: Stop that box from destroying all life on Earth.
Jeremy's Voice: (words displayed) Hey look, (The Batman v Superman poster is superimpose) the Batman v Superman poster. Thanks...Justice League.