November 6, 2019
(The Channel Awesome logo is displayed, followed by the opening title sequence)
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it–
(Suddenly, he is interrupted by his cell phone beeping. He answers it and notices a text, which he reads)
NC: "Nostalgia Critic! The Justice League is in danger!" (looks up, alarmed) Oh, no! (reads some more) "Their future is in jeopardy! (pronounces it "Geo-PAR-dy") Please meet us at your studio and bring Youtubers [sic] with a connection to cinema!" (looks up) I can't believe such an original super team movie that broke all sorts of box office records is in peril!
(Cut to NC standing on the roof of a building)
NC: Well, if they want YouTubers with a connection to cinema, it's time to light the Cinema Signal!
(He turns on a light aimed toward the sky. He then looks up toward the sky, but it's daytime and too bright to see the signal)
NC: Or I could just give them a call. (takes out cell phone and dials a number, then holds it to his ear) Hey, you want to get drunk and nitpick a movie?
(Suddenly, he hears the sound of someone crashing through the roof behind him, leaving a hole in the roof. Startled, he looks behind him to see the hole, then goes back down inside the building to see where the person who had fallen had landed. It's Chris Atkinson of "Cinema Sins" fame. He looks at NC and nods)
(Then another person crashes into the room: it's Barrett Share of "Music Videos Sins" fame)
(And another crash. This time, there's no one there, just the word "Hello!" floating in mid-air)
Voice (provided by Jeremy Scott, also of "Cinema Sins" fame): Hello!
NC: Jeremy! I must say it's very brave of you to physically transition into talking text with the ding at the end.
Jeremy's Voice: (words displayed) You act as if I had a choice. (To a ding sound, the word "DING!" is added) Ding!
NC: Fantastic! The Cinema Sins are ready for action! (holds up index finger) There's one other YouTuber connected to cinema, or at least has "cinema" in his name, that needs to make the long journey...
(After a beat, NC goes over to a closed door and knocks on it. Inside, Brad Jones, the Cinema Snob, is playing Planet Hollywood: The Game, but the knocking gets his attention. Then NC opens the door and looks in)
NC: Hey, Cinema Snob, want to do a review?
(He puts the board game aside, gets up and follows NC out of the room and down the hall to where the other stand)
NC: All right, CinemaSins and the Cinema Snob, ready to save the Justice League!
Chris: Wait a minute, aren't we forgetting about one other cinema-related YouTuber, Cinmeassacre?
NC: (sighs) Chris, don't you remember? Cinemassacre died a long time ago.
Chris: Did he? Didn't seem very convincing.
Barrett: Aw, of course he did, Chris. Just ask him yourself.
(Cut to James Rolfe, the Angry Video Game Nerd and host of Cinemassacre, sitting on his couch and playing Super Mario Bros., with a fake skin-colored censor bar over his upper lip, which is hiding a very obvious mustache underneath)
Nerd: Oh, yeah, I'm totally dead.
(Cut back to NC and the others)
Barrett: (to Chris) There, you see?
Chris: I don't know, I just have a feeling he's not really dead.
Jeremy's Voice: (words displayed) Also is there something off about his upper lip?
(Cut back to the Nerd)
Nerd: What are you talking about? My lip always looked this way. You're all stupid and...I'm dead, so...piss off.
(Cut back to the rest of the group)
CS: (shrugs) Eh, convinced me.
NC: Yes. (points to camera) Now, don't you come back and save us in our time of need. Dead people have a bad habit of doing that. (nods)
(Cut back one more time to the Nerd)
Nerd: Fucking weirdos.
NC: All right! After so much time building this up...
Chris: We only spent a few minutes.
NC: Is he always like this?
Barrett: (clutching at his head in annoyance) Worse.
NC: ...time to unite the Justice League! (looks out and gestures offscreen) Ah, there they are now.
NC: DC's biggest moneymakers: Wonder Woman, Aquaman, Shazam, Joker! So, what great did you summon us to take on?
Wonder Woman: Oh, no, we didn't summon you.
(The YouTubers all look confused)
CS: You didn't?
Aquaman: No, we're doing fine.
Joker: Better than fine.
Shazam: He's the one that summoned you.
(Suddenly, Cyborg (Malcolm) walks up)
Cyborg: Hey, guys! It's me, Cyborg! (The YouTubers stare in confusion) From the Justice League. (The YouTubers still stare, as Cyborg becomes slightly impatient) Teen Titans? (The YouTubers scratch their heads, and Cyborg rolls his eye in frustration) Go.
YouTubers: (throwing up arms) Oh, yeah, yeah! (Cyborg rolls his eye in frustration)
NC: I know that.
Cyborg: Anyway, I need your guys' help saving the Justice League.
Chris: But why?
Barrett: Yeah, a lot of DC characters are doing great right now.
Cyborg: For them, sure, but if Justice League doesn't become popular again, I may never get another movie!
(The YouTubers stare in confusion. Then we cut to the title for Justice League, followed by footage of that movie)
NC (vo): I guess, in some respect, I see what he's talking about. With the Marvel Cinematic Universe changing the landscape of box office hits, DC was rushing to catch up on the potential gold mine that laid before them.
Chris (vo): They released superhero movies that were all connected, similar to what Marvel had started five years earlier. But where Marvel gracefully eased people into how their world worked with individual hero stories, DC threw unfinished Wikipedia pages posing as films.
CS: As some have pointed out, DC's cinematic lineup was the equivalent of going from...
(An image of the following is superimposed...)
CS (vo): ...a curvy metal rod game at carnivals.
(More clips of Justice League follow)
Barrett (vo): On top of that, due to a family tragedy, (image of the following appears to the right...) Zack Snyder had to leave as director and was replaced by (image of the following appear to the left...) Joss Whedon. And there about as polar opposite as you can get, so the tone of the film seemed to juggle back and forth as well.
Jeremy's Voice: (words displayed) Because of this, Justice League under performed at the box office, still making it's [sic] money back, but not becoming the record breaker DC was hoping for.
Cyborg: Exactly, and now DC is doing movies that barely tie into a continuing story, and they're–
Wonder Woman: (interrupting) Making baaaaaaaank!
(The Justice League is seen dancing slowly to cool music. Wonder Woman is twirling her golden lasso around, Shazam is pretending to ride Aquaman's trident, Aquaman is holding up and tossing various dollar bills around, and Joker is dancing as he holds up a cigarette)
Cyborg: (to the YouTubers) So you see, unless people see the value in a DC Cinematic Universe that connects, there could be no more Justice League, and thus no more me.
Barrett: All right, listen, Jax–
Cyborg: Kano! I mean, Cyborg!
NC: What he said.
Barrett: I don't remember this movie being the greatest, but I remember it being better than DC's other stinkers.
Jeremy's Voice: (words displayed) Yes, with the overflowing positivity (The other YouTubers look down at the text) we give in most of our videos, I'm sure we can find something of value here.
CS: Let's get to it then!
(Everyone else nods in agreement, then they all sit down on the black couch together)
NC: This is our review of the one and only, for now, Justice League!
(Everyone else nods, then Chris looks toward NC)
Chris: I was promised booze.
NC: In the kitchen.
(Everyone else gets up from the couch, much to NC's confusion. We cut to the movie, which opens with firemen battling a fire and saving a person's life as Superman looks on and shakes a fireman's hand, all taking place on what looks like someone's phone camera)
Barrett (vo): Wow, this movie had a smaller budget than I thought.
CS (vo): This studio is okay when Whedon said he wanted to turn this into a found footage movie.
(The YouTubers now hold bottles/mugs of alcohol in their hands)
NC: So, one of the biggest criticisms is that Henry Cavill was under contract...
(Cut to a shot of Mission: Impossible – Fallout, showing Cavill's character August Walker)
NC (vo): ...not to shave his mustache when shooting Mission: Impossible 6.
(Cut to another shot of Cavill, this time without his mustache and wearing no shirt, exposing his manly, hairy chest)
NC (vo): Which means they had to digitally remove it when he came back to play Superman.
Chris: But this movie had a budget of over $300 million.
Chris (vo): I'm sure they made it look okay.
Female Reporter: (to Superman) May I ask you some questions?
(Superman then looks toward the camera, exposing his rather crooked-looking teeth as he smiles and speaks. The YouTubers all yelp in startled shock at this sight and take a big swig of their alcohol)
Barrett (vo): Christ! Did he brush his teeth with kryptonite toothpaste?!
Chris: Yeah, didn't know Mouse Man (Image of Mouse Man, a Wonder Woman villain appears in the corner) was in this movie!
NC: (pointing to camera) Still waiting on his own film, DC. (Barrett also points to camera)
Reporter: What's the best thing about Planet Earth?
Jeremy's Voice: (words displayed) You can keep stealing from Marvel (An image of Spider-Man appears in the corner) and no one will care.
NC (vo): By the way, Superman never does answer this question in the movie. Presumably, his legal team interrupted before cutting.
Reporter: What's the best thing about Planet Earth?
(Cut to a clip of the movie A Few Good Men, showing Judge Randolph (J.A. Preston) saying...)
Judge Randolph: You don't have to answer that question.
(Cut back to Justice League, where the video showing Superman is cut off. We then cut to Gotham City)
Chris (vo): Cut to Gotham City – more the set of (image of the following appears in corner...) Holy Musical B@man! – where a criminal's robbing a...pigeon trainer's house? (Camera zooms on the pigeon cage in question)
Barrett: Hey, they make coin, man.
NC (vo): He's stopped by the Caped Crusader, though, played by Ben Affleck.
(Batman catches the criminal in a grappling wire and lets a little bit of line go, bringing the criminal to teeter on the edge of the building)
Criminal: What are you doing?! Wait! (Batman lets a little more wire go, causing the criminal to teeter further) Wait, WAIT!
CS: Hoo-hoo! We're finally gonna see what happened to Johnny Gobs!
NC (vo): It turns out Batman was using this criminal's fear to lure out an alien menace known as the Parademons.
Barrett: For such a cool name, why do they look like...
(As the Parademon is shown, an image appears in the corner of...)
Barrett (vo): ...the Bee Twins from The Tick?
(Batman fires a net gun at the Parademon, trapping it against the wall)
NC (vo; as Parademon): I just wanted to tempt your tummy with the taste of nuts and honey!
(The Parademon explodes in a cascade of fiery sparks and green goo, leaving only a small pile of green goo)
CS (vo): He blows up, but Batman is afraid they're might be more. Or...rather, the criminal is afraid they're might be more? (laughs) Yeah, things are cool between them now.
Criminal: What was that?
Batman: A Scout.
Criminal: From space.
(Cut to Bruce Wayne's mansion, where Alfred Pennyworth (Jeremy Irons) is listening in)
Criminal: (offscreen) Like an alien army?
Batman: (offscreen) Alfred, are you seeing this?
NC: Alfred? (as Alfred) You're Bruce Wayne? (laughs) I thought you had a Wayne-ish jaw, like–
(He is interrupted as Barrett throws a batarang at his head, impaling his head and presumably killing him. Back to the movie, Batman runs to the edge of the roof)
Criminal: It's 'cause they know he's dead, right? Superman. Where does that leave us?
Jeremy's Voice: (words displayed) Still able to rob shit. Hello, you're a criminal!
(The opening credits are shown, while a black flag with the Superman logo on it is draped over the Notre Dame cathedral in Paris)
Barrett (vo): The opening credits show a world without Superman. Which, apparently means a lot more violence, a lot more slow-mo, and a lot more slow songs.
NC (vo): Eh, Snyder's used to (shows the opening credits of Watchman to compare the two) ripping off himself; he can do it again with these credits.
(A criminal is holding a gun)
Police Officer (offscreen): Drop your guns now!
(The criminal fires two shots)
NC (vo): We then see the Kingsmen seizing the central criminal court.
(The target scope of a sniper rifle is shown, pointed at a criminal as he tips his hat)
Jeremy's Voice: (words displayed) Uh...bang?
NC (vo:) As Wonder Woman, played by Gal Gadot, decided now is a good time to come out of retirement.
(In the movie, Wonder Woman breaks in and starts fighting the criminals)
NC (vo): Yeah, not 9/11, World War II, or anything like that. Just a place being blown up.
(A criminal shoots at civilians, but Wonder Woman runs in front of them, deflecting the bullets with her gauntlets)
Chris: Well, does this tie into the plot?
NC: To remind you that Wonder Woman was a hit.
Chris Yeah, but I thought that...
(NC points over to the right where Wonder Woman, Aquaman, Shazam, and Joker are still dancing and throwing money as music plays. Chris nods his head, and we return to the movie where Wonder Woman has a criminal trapped in her Lasso of Truth)
Wonder Woman: Who are you?
Criminal: You're too late. The countdown has already begun.
CS (vo; as criminal): Of course, the code to disarm is thirty-six one five– Damn! Lasso!
(Wonder Woman opens the box that contains the bomb, and then throws it through a window into the air where it explodes)
Chris: I'm glad the people are safe, but...poor birds.
(The scene is shown again, but with a still image of Tweety, Toucan Sam, Woody Woodpecker, and Woodstock flying across the screen as the bomb explodes. Then we cut to Aquaman's turf at the seashore)
Chris (vo): We see Batman approaching a village, where Aquaman, played by Jason Momoa, is the Dothraki sent to constantly save the day.
Bruce Wayne: Fight comes, we'll need you.
Arthur Curry: Don't count on it, Batman.
NC (vo; whispering): Did you hear that? That guy's Batman!
Barrett (vo): Nah, I heard he looked like the guy from Twilight.
Curry: A strong man is strongest alone.
Wayne: Ever hear of Superman? He died fighting next to me.
NC: (as Wayne) I know, because I originally tried to kill him.
Chris: It's a complicated story, but don't worry, it makes no sense.
(On his private jet, Bruce shaves himself, removing his mustache and beard)
Barrett (as Bruce): Ah, shaved. Now no one will know it's me.
Alfred Pennyworth (Jeremy Irons): This is the day where one's biggest concerns were exploding wind-up penguins.
Wayne: Yeah, I also miss Bane.
(Cut to a prison, where Barry Allen, AKA The Flash, played by Ezra Miller, is visiting)
NC (vo): We then see The Flash, played by Ezra Miller, visiting his father in prison.
Man behind Allen: Hurry it up, will ya?
(Allen turns around to face and is intimidated by his size. The YouTubers stare, nonplussed, then all except NC take a swig of their containers. NC stares)
NC: ...Oh, I get it– (stops himself as though he's got nothing) Eh... (takes a swig himself)
Allen's father: (talking to Allen on the phone) I can't sit here and watch you run in place for some old dude who's not going anywhere.
Allen: Dad, that's not true.
Prison guard: It's time.
Chris (vo): As you may have noticed, these character backstories are quickly rushed, so you weren't given much time to connect with them.
Barrett (vo): Yeah, Marvel had a bad habit of giving most of the Avengers their own movies, so they didn't need to explain much when they met up.
CS: Wait, are you telling me that the Suicide Squad doesn't make any appearance in this movie?
CS: Okay, good.
Cyborg: See, that's what I'm talking about. Like, look at my intro...
(The movie shows the first appearance of Victor Stone, AKA Cyborg (played by Ray Fisher))
Cyborg (vo): It's mostly just talking. There's no flashbacks, it's just me saying what happened to me, rather than showing what happened to me.