Justice League: War

Fanfiction. Reimu Series. Blah blah blah. Not finished yet either. Have no plans to, because I relatively hate a certain shot in the original version of this movie.

Reimu: Hello, I'm Reimu Hakurei, a miko who remembers it, because you don't. We're almost at the end of DC Month and I've decided to continue by reviewing a more recent piece of DC Media. You know their animated movies, right? We've got...

Footage of...

Reimu (voiceover): Justice League Adventures: Trapped in Time, Justice League: War, Justice League: Gods and Monsters, so many Justice League DTVs.

Justice League: Doom footage

Reimu (voiceover): But today we're gonna look at Justice League: Doom. This movie was released in 2012 and was an adaptation of the Justice League of America storyline "Tower of Babel," released in 2000, where each of the League's contingency plans prepared by Batman go lethal. That arc was probably one of Ra's Al Ghul's most defining appearances, so let's see how it's portrayed on screen. Grab your popcorn and Superman shirts, everybody, because this is Justice League: Doom.

The movie starts

Reimu (voiceover): So the movie starts out with the Royal Flush Gang doing what they do best - robbing the bank.

King: No way Batman came here alone.

Jack: What, I'm supposed to be worried about Robin?

Reimu (voiceover): I think it's more of (poster of...) Batman & Robin you should be worried about.

Reimu: Cyborg...

Reimu does the boner finger, back to movie

Batman: Everybody knows their jobs; go!

The Justice League attack the Royal Flush Gang

Green Lantern: All right, now come the warning shots. Give up? Please say no.

Ten: You'll never catch me, Lantern.

Green Lantern: Lots of women say that.

Reimu (voiceover, as Green Lantern): Especially if I'm happened to be voiced by the guy who voices (picture of...) Spike Spiegel.

Reimu inserts a clip of a movie featuring Chevy Chase

Chevy Chase: We are not doctors.

King: I want a lawyer.

Green Lantern: You're getting ahead of yourself. First you want a doctor. Then you want a lawyer.

The same Chevy Chase clip appears again

Chevy Chase (dubbed by Reimu): We are not lawyers.

Reimu (voiceover): Turns out the technology allows them to walk through walls. But there's something familiar about it.

Reimu: Hmmmm... Seiga Kaku?

Reimu (voiceover): Everyone calls it a day and heads home. But what Batman doesn't know is that Mirror Master is stowing away in the Batmobile. What, has this turned into the DC equivalent of (poster for...) Ride Along?

Quick text is shown, saying "Ride Along 2 was better. I rest my case." before disappearing

Alfred: I'm being uncharacteristically gentle with you mainly because you're bleeding all over my nice, clean floor.

Reimu (voiceover): Puh-lease! I'm sure The Dark Knight Alfred has to deal with that stuff every day, so there's no reason for him to be gentle!

Alfred: I made chicken soup. You can eat while you brood and I'll put in your stitches myself. It will be delightful, I'm sure.

Batman: All right.

Alfred: By the way, the part about the stitches? That would be sarcasm.

Reimu: Let it be known that British people are usually not sarcastic.

Reimu (voiceover): Wait, Vandal Savage? Why not Ra's Al Ghul? He knows more about Batman and would be more willing to hack into the Batcomputer for their contingency plans.

Reimu (voiceover): Anyhow, I really like Vandal Savage's voice here. This is close to the voice I imagined him with as a kid when I read the comics.

Meanwhile, at the Batcave

Reimu (voiceover): Alfred gets a notification that Bruce's dad, Thomas Wayne's body has disappeared, and so the butler sends Batman out to investigate.

Bane: When we last fought, I broke the bat. Today, I break the man.

Reimu (voiceover): Batman ends up being knocked unconscious and buried alive. Let's hope he's not claustrophobic.

Batman is buried alive; he hears a recording of Bane

Bane: Hello, Bruce. Sorry I couldn't be there for this, but I have a rather large check to pick up.

Reimu inserts a clip of a Donald Trump rally

Donald Trump: A small loan of a million dollars.

Bane: Payment for dealing with you. Oh, you were concerned about where I put your parents. Don't be. They're very close. Rest in peace.

Reimu: Wait, you forgot to specify where you put his parents! "Very close" isn't good enough! (as Christian Bale Batman) WHERE ARE THEY?

Batman breaks out of the coffin

Reimu (voiceover): Fortunately, Batman manages to break himself out of his coffin and shoots six feet above ground.

At the Hall of Doom

Metallo: Yes, he's the man.

Bane: Ha, ha, to the man.

Metallo: His check's clear.

Bane: I love my money.

Reimu (voiceover, as Metallo): And I love talking about how I love being evil.

Meanwhile, Cyborg sets out on his own when he's scratched by Cheetah in a fight.

Reimu (voiceover): Meanwhile, Cyborg decides to set out on his own and ends up in a fight against Cheetah.

Multiple Cheetahs

Reimu (voiceover): Both Cheetahs. What? There's three of them now? If that one's Barbara Minerva and that one's Priscilla Rich, who's the other one? And why do they all look alike?

Reimu is bewildered at the increasing amount of Cheetah clones there are, Cheetahs come out of a truck!

Reimu (voiceover): What is this, Cheetahwomen?

Action 52 footage is shown at "Cheetahwomen," then back to movie

Wonder Woman and Supergirl approach a roadside at night when the police come and they talks to them

Reimu (voiceover): Wonder Woman and Supergirl are asked by the police if they know anything about Cyborg and they decide to go check him out.

Wonder Woman: I am helping.

Reimu (voiceover): So Supergirl tries to explain to Cyborg the reason for this unexpected Cheetahpocalypse.

Supergirl uses her X-ray vision to display an infrared image of a skinless Cyborg with a visible brain, his left eyeball being held up by his brainstem. We see the inner workings of his metallic part as well. Special focus is given to a nanomachine in his brainstem. Supergirl is saying something over this image, but it doesn't matter compared to the image onscreen. Reimu is particularly entertained by this image.

Reimu: Grid. Online.

The Cyborg image appears again, but this time with an image of Grid next to it.

Back to movie

Reimu (voiceover): Anyway, the reason Cyborg's been fighting so many Cheetahs is because he's got nanomachines placed in his brainstem by Vandal Savage that altered his auditory and visual perceptions to make him see what Cheetah wants him to see; an assortment of supervillains. According to Wonder Woman, he's gonna keep fighting until he dies of an aneurysm, his heart gives out...

Wonder Woman: ...Or until the cops shoot you.

Reimu (voiceover): Cyborg's armor is infallible. There's no way the cops would be able to kill him. And don't you think that line sounds a little racist?

Reimu: Black lives matter, ya know?

Cyborg punches Wonder-as-Cheetah in the arm, breaking it

Cyborg: I'm so sorry I hadta do that, Cheetah. Let's getcha some medical attention.

Reimu (voiceover): What was that about? Cyborg should be delirious from the nanomachines, how does he know that's Wonder Woman? He even calls her Cheetah.

Reimu: By the way, Cyborg nor Supergirl weren't even in the original storyline, as it was an American import. Originally, this happened to Wonder Woman and Martian Manhunter used telepathy, not X-ray vision, to find out what was going on. Plastic Man made his finger long enough to reach the nanomachine and he got it out. Here, they changed it so it's Cyborg and he's not sitting there dreaming the entire time.

Wonder Woman struggles, but eventually gets Cyborg to change his sonic emitter to a frequency that neutralizes the nanites. Cheetah and Wonder Woman have switched places.

Cyborg: Wonder Woman?

Wonder Woman: That's me, all right.

Cyborg: Y'wanna tell me what the hell's goin' on here?

Reimu (voiceover): ...She already did.

Batman: Alfred, prepare the Batwing. The Justice League are under attack.

Alfred: By whom?

Batman: By me.

Reimu (voiceover): Damn Batman, you savage. Vandal Savage. (imitates a rimshot)

Martian Manhunter's birthday

Reimu (voiceover): After that, we see that Martian Manhunter is celebrating his birthday with a few of his friends.

Reimu: Happy freaking birthday, Martian Manhunter. You always reminded me of Swayzak from Toonami.

The guy who served John a drink turns out to be Ma'alefa'ak. Martian Manhunter ends up on fire

Reimu (voiceover): Martian Manhunter turns out to be vulnerable to the substance the drink is made of, and it sets him on fire. How nice.

Martian Manhunter: I'm burning!

Reimu: (singing) Schadenfreude! Schadenfreude...

Martian Manhunter jumps into the bay and emerges

Martian Manhunter: I'm still burning!

Batman calls Martian Manhunter on the phone

Batman: John, I need your help.

Martian Manhunter screaming

Alfred: So what'd he say?

Batman: He's busy.

We cut to The Flash

Reimu (voiceover): We see that The Flash is apparently starring in a remake of Speed.

The Flash is talking to Batman while forced to go fast as if he slows down, then a bomb tied to his hand will explode

The Flash: I'm never far from anything.

Reimu: That's my favorite line in the movie, right then and there. IDK. Something about it is so inspiring.

The scene repeats

The Flash: Found him.

Batman: You fast enough to go in there and knock him out before he glances in your general direction?

Reimu (voiceover): Our version of The Flash wouldn't be able to handle that.

Batman: Flank him. I'll make sure he stays inside until you get there.

The Flash: That will work too.

Reimu (voiceover): Uhh, did Batman just say he wants The Flash to flank Mirror Master? Wow, I've just learned about a side of him I never knew before. He's into gay porn.

BOOOOOOOO!

Reimu: What, what was it I said?

The Flash: You never asked me how my wrist was healing.

Reimu (voiceover): Why would he even want to? He's a villain!

Mirror Master gets punched by The Flash

The Flash: Surprisingly fast.

Reimu: BAR-RY!

Green Lantern is in a mine

Reimu (voiceover): Our DC version of And Then There Were None continues as Green Lantern learns of Star Sapphire holding several hostage in a mine and sets off to save them. However, he's too late and he winds up letting them get killed.

Green Lantern: I didn't mean...

Carol Ferris: You didn't mean to get all those people killed? You didn't mean to betray me, drive me into becoming this?

Carol Ferris changes into Star Sapphire

Star Sapphire: What didn't you mean, Hal?

Green Lantern: I don't know. I'm...

Star Sapphire: Afraid? Afraid that you don't deserve to have so much power? That nobody does?

Green Lantern: Yes. I don't deserve this.

Reimu: Whoa, I haven't seen anything like this since the Silver Age.

She shows us a hilarious Green Lantern comic book cover with Hal Jordan on his knees saying "I'LL NEVER WEAR MY POWER RING EVER AGAIN" while Sinestro (wearing blue) laughs over him

Star Sapphire: Then I hope you have the decency to do what's right and suffer for your many sins.

Reimu (voiceover): However, Batman tells Green Lantern that the hostages were actually robots and Green Lantern is able to recover his willpower.

We go to Metropolis

Reimu (voiceover): In Metropolis, Jimmy Olsen and Lois Lane learn of a Daily Planet employee named Henry Ackerdson, who wants to commit suicide.

We see Henry Ackerdson, and Reimu dubs "Chop Suey!" by System of a Down over him for a few brief seconds

Henry: Kryptonite bullet...

Superman is SHOT, and Henry is actually Metallo

Metallo: Kryptonite heart.

Batman reacts to Superman being shot by a Kryptonite bullet

Reimu (voiceover, as Batman): Nooooo, Superman! Now you'll never know I'm gay for you! (normal voice, laughs) This's happened before. Hell, there's even a whole villain (Kryptonite Man) made of Kryptonite, and he's been defeated every time he appears with Superman coming out fine. Don't act like this is the first time, Batman.

Cyborg: I'm with Wonder Woman.

A dazed Cyborg looks at Wonder Woman, and clenches his hands into a fist twice

Wonder Woman can't fly

Reimu (voiceover): Oh, and by the way, she can't fly for some reason.

Cyborg reveals an improved Kryptonite incisor

Reimu (voiceover): That has got to be the dumbest thing ever thought up of in a DC movie since (picture of...) the Bat Credit Card.

Reimu: But hey, if Bat Anti-Shark Repellent exists, then this is far from the worst.

At the Watchtower, Batman is informing the League of what happened

Batman: I've carefully studied every Justice Leaguer, past and present and created contingency plans to neutralize you should that become necessary.

The Flash: You've gotta be kidding me.

Batman: Neutralize, not kill.

Reimu (voiceover, as the words appear on screen): BATMAN NEVER KILLS. (the words shake around before disappearing)

The Flash: You think one of us would go over to the other side?

Batman: Or succumb to mind control. Yes, it's impossible. That's why I developed plans for containing any of all members of the JLA should the need ever arise.

Reimu: So if Cyborg was somehow brainwashed by Grid, nanomachines would be put into his brainstem? Well...

She shows us the skeletal Cyborg image from earlier and Grid side by side again

Superman: None of us would ever do that to you.

Batman: Then you're damned fools.

Reimu (voiceover): Come on, Batman, you've been a damned fool once before...

At the Hall of Doom

Vandal Savage: The next stage of my plans might be considered genocidal.

Reimu (voiceover): Hey Vandal, if you want to see genocide, then talk to my friend Yuuka. She thinks genocide is just a game.

Metallo: What are you gonna do, destroy the world?

Reimu (voiceover): You guessed it.

Raul Julia as M. Bison: (dubbed over Vandal Savage by Reimu) OF COURSE!

Metallo laughs

Vandal Savage: It's not a joke.

Reimu (voiceover, as Metallo): Oh, sorry. I was just laughing at the timeless That Guy with the Glasses gag.

Bane: What possible profit could be in destroying the world?

A clip of Austin Powers is inserted

Dr. Evil: One million dollars.

Back to movie, where Vandal Savage talks to the Legion of Doom

Vandal Savage: Eighty-thousand years ago, I was living in what is now the island of Sumatra. One night, the sky lit up with streaks of fire. Meteors. But my primitive mind thought the stars were falling from the sky.

Reimu: Vandal Savage is going to destroy the world with meteors, reenacting the way his home got destroyed.

Vandal Savage: So as far as I know, I cannot die.

Martian Manhunter: That's quite an ambitious plan. No wonder you wanted us out of the way.

Vandal Savage: I thought you took care of him.

Ma'alefa'ak: He should've been burning for weeks.

Reimu (voiceover): Or however long it takes for fire to kill a Martian. And heaven knows how long Supergirl wanted to stare at that picture of Cyborg...

Reimu stares at us knowingly and puts her head down in shame before the movie continues

Martian Manhunter: Don't feel bad. Actually, none of you managed to finish the job. Did you get all that?

Justice League teleports in the Hall of Doom

Superman: We did. Take them down.

Reimu: Aw, yeah! Now we're talking!

Hal Jordan is taking down the comet!

Reimu: Wait, so the destroyer rays are coming to Earth at the speed of light, that means it'll take 8 minutes for it to reach Earth. How the fuck did Superman reach Earth, from the Sun, in just 1 minute... and tell everybody they have 7 minutes? (Pause) I guess he flies 8 times faster than the speed of light.

Reimu: Again with the errors, they're easily able to see the beam of light coming towards them, when logically you can't see anything that's coming toward you at the speed of light.

We return to the Watchtower

Reimu (voiceover): So with the day saved, everyone returns to the Watchtower.

Cyborg becomes a Justice Leaguer

Reimu (voiceover): Wait, what? He wasn't a Justice League member for most of the duration of this movie? Then why did he have a contingency plan? I guess Batman knew him well enough.

Reimu shows the Grid-esque Cyborg for one last time

Superman: In light of the recent breach of trust revealed to us during the Vandal Savage matter, we have to decide whether Batman should remain in the League.

Reimu (voiceover): Holy crap! They're actually thinking about kicking Batman out, even though it's clear to us it wasn't Batman's fault and he made these plans for good reasons!

The Flash: Aw, come on!

Batman: As individuals, and even more so as a group, the Justice League is far too dangerous to lack a failsafe against any possible misuse of our power.

Wonder Woman: We use our power to protect the world. We always have.

Batman: And what if we ever used it for some other purpose?

Reimu (voiceover): Then you're the Crime Syndicate on Earth Three.

Batman rises from his seat

Batman: If you people can't see the potential danger of an out-of-control Justice League, I don't need to wait for a vote. I don't belong here.

Batman walks out of the room

Reimu: No, Batman!

Superman: With all that talk about unchecked power, you're still so arrogant you didn't bother to come up with a plan to stop yourself?

Reimu (voiceover): Actually, he did. (Pause) I think?

Batman: I do have a plan. It's called The Justice League.

Reimu (voiceover): Maybe you could've prevented this all from happening if you just sent the rest of the Justice League as a contingency plan in case a member goes bad!

Superman hands Batman the Kryptonite bullet and teleports him out of the Watchtower

Reimu (voiceover): So what did this adventure all result in?

Reimu: Batman's departure from the Justice League.

The movie ends

Reimu (voiceover): And that was Justice League: Doom. It was OK. The only things I've learned from this I didn't already learn from the original story are that I still can't take the name "Legion of Doom" seriously and that Cyborg is stupid. I appreciate giving Cyborg his own contingency plan, but Wonder Woman and Supergirl didn't have plans.

Reimu: Well, whatever. Cyborg's plan was good enough for him. Next episode's the end of DC Month, and I'm gonna prepare myself for that. I'm Reimu Hakurei, a miko who remembers it, because you don't.

End credits, with the song "Tuxedo Connection" by Hitomi Tohyama

Channel Awesome Tagline--
The Flash: "I'm never far from anything."

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