Just Imagine Stan Lee Creating Superman

Just Imagine Stan Lee Creating Superman
Released	July 6, 2015
Running time	27:35
Previous review	Atomic Robo, Vol. 3
Next review	Just Imagine Stan Lee Creating Batman
Tagline	You will believe a man can try to become rich and famous!
Link	http://atopthefourthwall.com/just-imagine-stan-lee-creating-superman/

Linkara: Hello, and welcome to Atop the Fourth Wall, where bad comics burn. (throws arms wide) Excelsior, my friends!

(A shot of Stan Lee is shown)

Linkara (v/o): Ah, Stan Lee! Many Marvel Comics characters are ascribed to be his creations.

(Shots of a caricatured Lee in his comics are next shown, including the infamous "Nightcat")

Linkara (v/o): He's a beloved comics icon, one of the last remaining Golden Age creators still alive*, and he appears in pretty much every Marvel movie, to the point where Deadpool should wave to when he shows up in his movie. He wrote "Nightcat", although we won't hold that against him. Does he deserve all the credit given to him for creating so much of the original Marvel Universe?

• NOTE: Lee passed away on November 25, 2018, at 95.

(A shot of the first "Fantastic Four" comic is shown)

Linkara (v/o): Eh, possibly not, but his place in history is still pretty damn secure, and he still deserves some of the credit, particularly for scripting and managing so much of Marvel back in the early days.

Linkara: But like the Marvel Comic series of the same name, why don't we play a little game of "what if?", shall we? What if Stan Lee created the DC Universe instead?

(Cut to a shot of the DC series, "Just Imagine Stan Lee the DC Universe", which was a thing apparently, as Linkara explains...)

Linkara (v/o): And that was the subject of a 13-issue series started in 2001, each issue a one-shot reimagining some DC character or event, with only some vague basics of the premise, but going off in whatever direction Stan decided to go with it. We're going to cover four of them this month, although it's likely we'll come back to this in the future.

Linkara: In the meantime, (points to camera) face front, true believers, as we dig into (holds up today's comic) "Just Imagine Stan Lee Creating Superman"!

(AT4W theme plays; title card has "Superman's Song" by Crash Test Dummies playing in the background; cut to a closeup of the comic's cover)

Linkara (v/o): The cover is okay and gives us our first look at Stan Lee's version of the Man of Steel. And as you can see, it's quite a bit of a departure. If it weren't for the Superman logos on his chest, you probably wouldn't think this had anything to do with Superman at all. It's not a bad costume, either. I'm not gonna judge it by how much it resembles Superman, since the entire idea is to revamp the character as Stan would make it, given the basic premise. What I can tell, though, from the scattered panels around this Superman is that he likes to punch things. The left side has someone being knocked through a wall, presumably by punching; the right panel directly has punching; the lower right has him ripping off chains and looking like he wants to punch something; and in particular, in this corner [the lower-left corner], we see our hero and his desire to punch clock towers.

(Open to the first page)

Linkara (v/o): We open in "The Beginning"...

Linkara: (waving dismissively) No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, we have to start from act two or three; that's where the plot really gets going.

Narrator: A far distant galaxy in another universe.

Linkara: So, Superman is from another dimension? Did Atomic Robo fight Superman last week?

Narrator: No point telling you its name. You couldn't even begin to pronounce it.

Linkara: Unless this Superman has three tongues and more vocal chords in his otherwise humanoid appearance, I call bullcrap.

Linkara (v/o): We see Superman [here called Salden] glaring at the reader while he's working on his alien Bowflex machine. Nearby is some pale woman [Lyella] in an old-timey dress.

Lyella: Just think, Salden, the discovery of the space/time bender will change our world forever.

Linkara: Ah, so they've discovered (makes "finger quotes") "Bender's Big Score". That was always my favorite of the Futurama movies, too.

Linkara (v/o): Also, kids, don't play with anything that bends space and time. This is how we got composite Hitler and Stalin, who was also a werewolf. It's apparently something that will allow them to travel across space instantaneously. However, our soon-to-be-Superman is unimpressed.

Salden: I get enough kicks as a law bringer, Lyella. When I'm back from mopping up the slimeballs, then you, baby, provide all the excitement I need.

Linkara (v/o): On going back to that unpronounceable galaxy, Stan gives us this narration...

Narrator: I've taken the liberty of translating our characters' dialogue into basic Earth, for those of you whose galactic vocabulary may be a bit rusty.

Linkara: And yet it's good to know that, in their strange, sophisticated, alien language, they still have the slang for the word ("finger quotes") "baby".

Linkara (v/o): I wonder what other things their language apparently has. What is the pseudo-Kryptonian for "popcorn chicken"? Oh, and thanks, Stan, for letting me know that "basic Earth" equals "English". Anyway, Buff Hardback here is weightlifting, because the other cops on his team have all been genetically modified to be super-strong, so he needs to constantly exercise to compensate.

Salden: You know I can't being the weakest of all. I want to be the mightiest, the best. I want my exploits to be as strong as my love for you.

Linkara: (as Salden) If only someday our people would invent "the montage", but that is but a fool's dream.

Lyella: I wish you didn't have to go, darling. I feel a strange sense of impending doom!

Linkara: (as Salden) Damn it, baby, we're trying to reduce Superman's origins here! Save your Spider Sense for later!

Linkara (v/o): With that, Slab Bulkhead jumps out the window and flies off. Yep, he can fly already.

Salden: This new shoulder harness the department issued me is the quietest of all. Even at full power, it doesn't make a sound.

(Cut to a clip of the Mystery Science Theater 3000 gang watching The Mole People: it's a shot of a mountain covered in clouds)

Mike: I could go on and on forever about the silence.

(Cut back to the comic)

Salden: Silent flying harnesses, space-time benders-- there's nothing science can't do!

Linkara: Wait, so in this story, Superman is that guy from all the Pokemon games who talks about how awesome science is?

Linkara (v/o): He flies down to his team, which is in the middle of a hostage situation. Some terrorists have taken an interplanetary cruise bus hostage. The other cops want him to stay behind them, since, well, they're genetically modified and stuff, but then the terrorists toss out stun grenades that knock out the guys in front.

(Cut to a bright white explosion scene)

Offscreen voice: Ah, you fools!

(Back to the comic again)

Linkara (v/o): Actually, it's kind of surprising they're using stun grenades. You'd think terrorists would be the ones to use, you know, exploding ones. Then again, the "stun grenades" do seem to be blowing off their armor. Maybe they stun you in the sense that since you're dead, you're as good as stunned? Also, why is Salden the only one wearing the red-and-blue uniform instead of a darker green-and-brown outfits his fellows are wearing? "Genetically modified" must mean "smart enough to wear body armor". Then again, that didn't seem to stop these stun grenades, so maybe Salden figures if he's gonna die, he'll at least look fashionable. Salden grabs a grenade of his own and tosses it at the bus.

Salden: Now you stay back, squadmen, while I save your butts! I'll toss the bomb over the cruiser--to the starboard side-- that'll make them direct their fire away from us!

Linkara: (as Salden, loudly) It's a good thing I'm being so quiet and subtle about my plan! It'd be really bad if they knew what it was!

Linkara (v/o): However, the plan works and they're distracted, allowing Salden to slip underneath the bus and crawl in through an emergency hatch. Once inside, he starts beating up the terrorists single-handedly, although, since this is Stan Lee writing it, he loudly announces what he's doing while he performs these feats. It's been over 350 episodes, and I still don't understand this, especially from Stan Lee. He pioneered the "Marvel Method", AKA the creative comes up with a loose idea of the story, the artist draws it, and then the writer comes in and scripts it. He could clearly see the art, so why does he feel the need to have his characters exposit loudly what the art is showing us? Anyway, later on, we cut to a maximum security prison, where a convict named Gorrok manages to steal a flying harness from one of the guards.

Linkara: You'd think if they had flying harnesses in prisons, that they'd be, you know, flying to keep that sort of thing from happening.

Linkara (v/o): Gorrok was apparently sent to prison by Salden, and thus he decides to head to Salden's place to get his revenge. However, he instead finds Salden's girlfriend, Lyella.

Narrator: Seconds later...

Linkara (v/o): And she's tied up in this panel. Man, Gorrok must have been an Eagle Scout or something. Getting her tied up and gagged in only a few seconds is impressive. Less impressive is that he hears sirens and decides to take his revenge out on Lyella, murdering her off-panel.

Salden: Lyella! LYELLA! NOOOOO!

Linkara: (as Salden, imitating his melodramatic tone) THAT HAIRCUT LOOKS TERRIBLE!

Salden: Lyella is dead! Gorrok killed her because of me! I've lost the one who meant more to me than anything else in the world!

Linkara: (as Salden) You were such a richly-nuanced and developed character, too!

Linkara (v/o): Also, man, I know you're grieving, but I think you need to check with somebody about your hands. What the hell's going on with those? Anyway, Salden quickly learns that Gorrok is on his way to the launchpad for the space/time bender, and indeed, we cut to him shooting the pilots.

Gorrok: There's no place in this galaxy left for me to hide! But that ain't stoppin' Gundor Gorrok! This two-man space/time bender is my ticket outta here!

Linkara (v/o): It's a good thing he mentioned that spaceship is a two-seater. I was worried we'd find out it's an SUV or something.

Gorrok: And since this is the only ship of its kind-- there's no others that can follow me! So once I set course for an air-breathin' planet in another galaxy, I'm home free!

Linkara: (as Gorrok) And since this is a one-of-a-kind spacecraft, I instantly know how to pilot it.

Linkara (v/o): However, he spots Salden running up to the ship and decides to let him in and get his full revenge. However, to make sure he can't stop him, Gorrok has the ship take off, sending Salden flying to the back of the ship. The two begin brawling it out, with Salden's rage allowing him to gain the upper hand.

Salden: How about I do what all the prisons and lockups couldn't do? How about I rid the universe of you once and for all, you slimy, stinkin', murderin' maggot?

Linkara: Ah, such a sophisticated and eloquent language this alien culture has.

Linkara (v/o): With nobody operating the controls, the ship hurtles out of control until it arrives at – where else? – Earth. Gorrok knocks Salden out.

Gorrok: No time to finish him off. Lucky there's a spare shoulder harness on board.

Linkara: Of all the plot holes Stan Lee decided to address, he chose the (makes "finger quotes") "Where did Gorrok get a new flying harness?" issue. A plot hole that wasn't really one, since he could have just had the same one he took from the prison.

Linkara (v/o): The ship crashes into the ocean as Gorrok escapes. Salden awakens and thinks he's done for, since the pressure is preventing him from opening the hatch. However, upon just leaning against it, he finds himself strong enough to open the door and then zooms to the surface. He swims for the coast, narrating to himself along the way.

Salden: It--isn't possible! I'm swimming like a human missile!

Linkara: (as Salden) Like a non-human human missile!

Salden: Even those hungry, sharp-toothed creatures can't keep up with me!

Linkara: (as Salden, holding up fist) Eat my dust, Just Imagine Stan Lee-created Aquaman!

Linkara (v/o): He takes a rest on a beach – and is almost immediately set upon by three goons.

Goon 1: Hey, we found ourselves a turkey!

Linkara: Ah, so the space/time bender brought him to Earth in the '70s.

Goon 2: Wake up, pretty boy! Anyone who sleeps on our beach gotta pay for the priv'lege!

Linkara: How is business doing in the beach extortion racket?

Linkara (v/o): In response, Salden lifts the guy up by his belly button. Yeah, I'm sure it's supposed to be his belt, but it looks more like he's pinching his belly button.

Salden: I don't understand your stupid-sounding lingo-- but nobody mauls me, get it?

Narrator: Remember, class, we're translating Salden's into English for you from its original basic intergalactic!

Linkara: Thank you, Stan, I was really confused right there since I had forgotten about the other narration box where you told us that thirteen pages ago. (shrugs)

Linkara (v/o): Salden tosses them away, much to his own surprise about how strong he is.

Salden: Damn! My wrist communicator fell off!

Linkara (v/o): The wrist communicator? That is not in any other shots. Whatever.

Salden: But--I don't get it! Look at how slow it's falling!

Linkara: (as Salden, pointing offscreen) Look, audience! Look at how it's falling!

Linkara (v/o): He realizes the gravity of Earth is much weaker than his own planet. Thus, he's able to move faster and be stronger.

Salden: Compared to the people of this world-- I'm some sort of super man!

Linkara: (as Salden, looking thoughtful) No, wait, that's a stupid name. (looks up, holding up index finger) Wait, I've got it! Blast Hard Cheese!

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