June 23, 2015
Nostalgia Critic: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. And yes, you read that correctly, we are reviewing Jurassic World. But you might be wondering: How the hell can we do that if it's still in theatres? Well, this ought to explain it.
(The NC snaps his fingers and an old film reel titled, "The Review Must Go On, Dammit!" plays. We cut to That Guy With The Glasses from "Explaining 5 Second Movies", sniffing glue in the kitchen before he notices the audience.)
TGWTG: Oh, hello. I bet you're wondering why we're reviewing this movie now instead of waiting for it to come to DVD. Well, the answer is quite simple. You see, Hollywood now sees us as a threat.
TGWTG (vo): (Title cards for the NC reviews of: Top 11 Best Avatars, The Purge, Son of the Mask and Blues Brothers 2000. All of them are listed as GONE.) Taking down several of our videos on YouTube because they forgot reviews are part of fair use. (Title cards for Mamma Mia, Monster Squad appear as examples of videos being put back, followed by the title card for The Cat in the Hat, which is listed as GONE.) Some of these videos have been put back, but others are just seen as too dangerous for your fragile minds to handle. (Title cards for the Jurassic Park Movies appear.) Thus, every single time we've done a Jurassic Park movie, even if we end up praising it...
TGWTG: ...Hollywood has always taken it down.
(Mr. Puppy, voiced by Rob Walker, pops up on the counter next to him)
Mr. Puppy: But Mr. Glasses! I have a question!
TGWTG: Why, if it isn't my good friend Mr. Puppy the puppy. Whats on your mind, Mr. Puppy?
Mr. Puppy: Hasn't Hollywood realized that by doing this they look incredibly desperate and unprofessional?! I mean, even your reviews of (Poster for The Room) bad movies have led to higher sales due to your exposure!
TGWTG: Hoho, Mr. Puppy, Hollywood has more important things to worry about than that.
Mr. Puppy: Well, what's more important than freedom of speech being threatened by insecure goons?!
TGWTG: Complaining how their (Poster for The Interview) freedom of speech is being threatened by a bunch of insecure goons!
Mr. Puppy: You're kidding, right?
TGWTG: But, as we said before, the review must go on.
Mr. Puppy: I mean, do they know the meaning of irony?
TGWTG: So, rather than do a review just to have it taken down anyway...
Mr. Puppy: They do remember SOPA Napster, right?
TGWTG: ...we're going to reenact scenes from the movie to give you a better idea of what we're talking about.
Mr. Puppy: But Mr. Glasses! The clips allow people to judge the film for themselves! Won't your reenactments leave an emotional, even bitter mark on the material being reviewed?
TGWTG: (Turns to the camera with a creepy smile) NONE! None whatsoever!
Mr. Puppy: Gee. I guess the only thing we can do now is wait for Hollywood to finally grow up.
TGWTG: I'm not holding my breath. So enjoy our incredibly unbiased review of Jurassic World.
Mr. Puppy: You know, your accent sounds a lot like Cary Elwes with a dump truck shoved up his nose!
(TGWTG knocks Mr. Puppy out with a broomstick.)
That Guy With The Glasses: Enjoy!
NC: You heard the man. Reviewing the Jurassic Park movies has been a big tradition around here and we're not gonna let Hollywood stop it. So rather than wait for it to come out on DVD, we're just gonna jump right into it. This is our take on Jurassic World.
NC (vo): The movie opens up with our main star of the film. Not Chris Pratt as Owen (played by Malcolm Ray), not Bryce Dallas Howard as Claire (played by Tamara Chambers), not even really the dinosaurs.
NC: No. The star of the movie is the park.
NC (vo): The amount of detail they put into this place is incredible. We finally see it open. It's like Disney World, only less people probably die.
NC: It's phenomenal! So, I know what you're thinking: If the park looks this good so many years after the original, imagine what the God-damn dinosaurs must look like!
NC (vo): It's been 22 years since the first film's ground breaking effects, so how are they gonna look no-
NC: They suck. Like wow, do they suck!
NC (vo): It's some of the worst CG the movies ever cranked out. They look like cardboard cutouts! No wait, even that would have some three-dimensional qualities to them. They look like mist. Like a cloud of fog in the shape of a dinosaur. There's a scene where a kid is looking at dinosaurs through a Viewfinder which, by the way, you're thirteen. What are you doing looking through a viewfinder? And even they look more three-dimensional than the ones in the movie!
NC: And you wanna know why? Cause they were really there! Okay, they're little models that don't look very convincing but I feel like I could touch them! I don't feel like I can touch any of these dinosaurs! I don't wanna touch dinosaurs but never the less-
(insert picture of Nostalgia Critic fondling dinosaurs)
NC (vo): Oh, shut up! I wanna be able to feel like I could pet a dinosaur! That's the wonder of Jurassic Park!
NC (vo): And here's the thing, I'm actually not Anti-CGI! I mean, Ex-Machina, she looked like a real robot. Madagascar totally made me believe that David Schwimmer could act! But with the other Jurassic Park movies they use animatronics and CGI. This fools the eye, it makes it more of a grand illusion. We've gotten too used to CGI so when we see it, we know it's CGI and we know it's not there. But here's another weird thing, they said they used animatronics in this movie.
NC (vo): But outside of the scene where Littlefoot's Mother dies, they all look so flat and unconvincing. How can this be if they used animatronics? In my opinion...
NC: They CG'd over the animatronics.
NC (vo): They look at the animatronics of, say, the raptors in the muzzled cages and say, "You know what? I want the eyes to blink a little different or the mouth to move a little more. Let's paint CG all over that, and now there's a veil of fake (Yoshi) all over what used to be believable."
NC: But I know what you're thinking, who cares? I mean, really, in the grand scheme of things, who cares? We want to see cool dinosaurs doing cool dinosaur things. Even if they look kind of fake, we want them to do cool things, right? Well, I'm gonna take that argument and store it away in here (Zelda compartment) for later, because trust me, that will come back later in a bit of time. But let's actually get to the story.
NC (vo): Now that the park has been open for a while, people have seem to gotten too used to dinosaurs.
Tamara: Oh, my God. This black chick who's a white chick is a white chick.
Jim Jarosz: I found someone rude on the internet!
Tamara: Oh, my God!
NC (vo): That's right, they've actually gotten bored with them. The CEO of the park named Simon (Malcolm) and the manager of the park named Claire (Tamara) try to figure out how to fix this.
Simon: We need to up the sales. I need you to make me a dinosaur so bad-ass that if it escaped, we couldn't possibly stop it.
NC: OK, now we're talking. We've seen raptors and stegosauruses before. This is creating a brand-new dinosaur specifically to look awesome. They don't have to follow any rules. It's not like they did before anyway. I mean (insert picture of) the delophasaurus, (insert picture of said dinosaur from Jurassic Park 1) yeah, you nailed that. But they're using science to create whatever the hell they want! By God, imagine what you could do with this! The body of a T-rex, the wings of a pterodactyl, the neck of a brontosaurus, the head of a triceratops, lions for hands, and hey, just to sell more tickets, give it bazooka boobs! C'mon, we're clearly in BS science here, we can do whatever we want!
NC (vo): So after tricking the security guard like an 80's prison movie; no really, he's got the sandwich and everything; what does this monstrous, terrifying abomination of science look like? A big raptor.
(Dinosaur Rob is shown)
Indominus Rex: I'm a new dinosaur.
NC: Yep, it's about as unimpressive as you can imagine. You know that Photoshop tool you can use to make things bigger? That's pretty much all they used except they gave a few more bumps on the back and made him a little paler. Oooh!
NC (vo): Even the made up name is a bore.
Claire: We're calling him Indominus Rex because it's easier to pronounce.
NC: You know what's even easier to pronounce? Coke 2. And that's all I'm calling him. I'm calling him a Coke 2- asaurus.
NC (vo): Hey, they openly admit it's trying to be something bigger and badder than the T-Rex but it looks so boring and fake, it can't measure up. But actually to Coke 2's credit it can do some cool things. Like camouflage, lower his body heat which of course, the scientists have no idea about. This is where the 2 kids (played by Jim Jarosz and Tamara Chambers) come in because we always need kids in these movies but to their credit, they're not that bad. It's more the idiot adults that surround them. You see their parents are getting a divorce. Oh yeah, sorry. So they're spending the weekend with their Aunt Claire who's obviously a little busy herself.
NC (vo): But Coke 2 grabs them and again because you never believe anything there it's not the least bit frightening yet the boys end up escaping. So Claire tells Owen the raptor trainer about our missing kids and Coke 2. Oh, after they share some amazing onscreen chemistry.
Owen: We dated once. Remember?
Claire: Sure do.
NC: And that's it. That was the onscreen chemistry.
NC (vo): On the one hand, I'm happy they didn't argue like those pussies in Twister but on the other hand, why have them interested in each other at all.
NC: I mean I'm not gonna act like the chemistry in the first film was that great, but they talked and hugged and smiled.
NC (vo): Here, they barely even look at each other. They share one kiss in the middle of the film, but then go back to acting like they're not a couple again. It's entirely pointless.
Note: The transcript is not complete yet. Please fill in some gaps if possible.
NC (vo): Because hey, remember. There's an evil scientific hybrid that needs to be stopped. Oh, I'm not talking about the dinosaur, I'm talking about Vincent D'Onofrio (Rob Walker) being combined with John Malkovich and every early 90's villain ever!
D'Onofrio: I wanna weaponize these raptors because I'm the obvious bad guy! I adjust my belt buckle all the time!
NC: No, no, we don't care, we don't care. We just had a scene where pterodactyls played hot potato with people's heads. Why would we care?
NC (vo): We know he's the bad guy, we know he's going to die, we know that MAN SUCKS!
NC (vo): They use the raptors to find Coke 2 and... somehow think these tiny things are gonna take it down when they finally out 2 and 2 together. And remember this is a BIG SHOCK!
Owen: My God! That dinosaur that looks like a raptor, acts like a raptor, sound like a raptor and moves like a raptor... I think it's part raptor!
NC (vo): But suddenly, Claire goes to this giant door and says-
Claire: Unfunny computer comic relief, open up the door!
Lowery Cruthers: You're insane! You're insane!
Claire: Just do it! (Cruthers opens the door)
NC (vo): Suddenly, the door starts to open up. There's nothing but darkness facing her.
NC: (gasp) Could it be?
NC (vo): She stares into the black unknown while lighting up a flare!
NC: Is it, is it... (Toy T-Rex comes out, T-Rex song plays) It's THE MOTHERFUCKING T-REX!
NC (vo): Claire throws the flare at Coke 2 and Original Coke is like "Fuck you, bitch, I'm THE MOTHERFUCKING T-REX! So there they are. Raptors, Giant Coke 2 raptor and the Motherfucking T-Rex all in a Kickass Incredible showdown.
NC: Hang on, if we're gonna do this, we gotta do it right.
Jon Bailey: Oh, uh, hello.
NC: Jon Bailey, I know you're used to the Honest Trailers in your own reviews on your own channel plug but I need your help.
Jon: Uh, with what exactly?
NC: I need a voice as epic as yours to narrate the climax of Jurassic World.
Jon: The Motherfucking T-Rex scene?
NC: Mm Hmm.
Jon (vo): The T-Rex takes a bite out of the Pussysaurus but then Pussysaurus bites back! The T-Rex slams that bitch into a building but then the bitch get up from the ground. T-Rex then starts taking several bites to the neck.
NC: (imitating Mickey from the Rocky movies) Get up, ya bum!
Jon (vo): Suddenly one of the raptors jumps on top from the T-Rex. The T-Rex then says...
T-Rex: You cannot defeat such awesomeness!
NC: Wait, the T-Rex is female, isn't she?
Jon: Well she's a female who happens to sound like Optimus Prime.
NC: (Beat) Yeah, okay.
T-Rex: You cannot defeat such awesomeness! My amazing Kickassery cannot be contained!
Jon (vo): Her opponent roared then the Motherfucking T-Rex roared. Then a mechanical T-Rex came in and burnt them alive!
NC: Okay, I know that didn't happen in the movie!
Jon: Who's got the cool voice?
NC: Okay, sorry.
Jon (vo): But they both survive the blast and blow it up with their fire breathe! T-Rex then gives opponent one more chance!
T-Rex: Surrender or face the Age of Extinction!
Jon (vo): No response. Thus the Motherfucking T-Rex replied...
T-Rex: Then go fish!
Jon (vo): Suddenly the cool Jaws dinosaur you saw earlier comes up and eats the living Hell out of that piece of shit! The battle is over. T-Rex and Raptor, 2 swarn enemies acknowledge that their honor has been satisfied and live to fight another day. Oh, and some stuff with human characters happen but who cares? The T-Rex climbs to the tallest building on the tallest mountain overlooking the park, lets out one roar, turns to the camera and says...
T-Rex: I am a MOTHERFUCKING T-REX! (roars)
NC: Goddamn you, movie! Goddamn you! Not only did you create one of the coolest scenes in any Jurassic Park movie ever but you totally made up for that sequence in Jurassic Park 3!
NC (vo): Yeah, remember when the T-Rex dies to the "who cares"-asaurus just so they can sell more toys? Well this takes idiots who thought this was a good idea, grabbed them by the ear and says...
NC: Come here! Come here! (punches) No! No! That is not how you do a T-Rex fight, movie! That is not how you do a T-Rex fight! This is how you do a T-Rex fight!
NC: Yeah, pretty much. Though the studio that owns this does also own 50 Shades of Grey and it's unlikely they'll let me use the clips for that.
(NC turns to look at Tamara, and then Malcolm glanced at her. Tamara looks at both of them)
(NC and Malcolm glance at her again)
Tamara: Okay, no.
(NC and Malcolm groan)
Jon Bailey: (in his Optimus Prime voice) My inner goddess is about to explode!
Channel Awesome Tagline - Owen: I think it's part raptor!