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Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom
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Aired
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November 14, 2018
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Running Time
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38:49
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Previous Review
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Next Review
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Link
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(After the Channel Awesome logo and the intro, we see a not-amused NC looking to something behind the camera, as an angelic choir is heard)
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to.
(We get a wide-angle shot of the situation. NC is sitting on the couch together with Malcolm and Tamara)
Malcolm: My God, that was amazing.
Tamara: (driven to tears of joy) Even better than I remember it.
John Hammond: Ay. Spared no expense.
(We cut to John Hammond (Rob Walker), who is standing next to a TV. All of them just watched the first movie again)
NC: (groans) Apologies, but John Hammond is here to convince us why there should be another Jurassic Park sequel. He just got done showing us the first one again.
Malcolm: It's just as spectacular as when I first saw it.
Tamara: Even after all this years. My God, how did you do it?
(The camera moves to the left to reveal Hammond, who stands next to Tamara, weirding her out)
Hammond: I'll show you.
(He goes back to the TV to reenact the cloning film from the first movie)
Hammond: Now, this is a Jurassic Park movie.
TV-Hammond: (waving) Hello. I'm a Jurassic Park movie.
Hammond: But if we were to take just one drop of the movie's genius...
(He stings his TV self in the index finger)
TV-Hammond: John, that hurt.
Hammond: Relax, John. It's all part of the miracle of lazy cloning.
(We shortly cut to the couch where Tamara and Malcolm are watching in wonder, while NC just looks annoyed. Back to video, a second TV-Hammond comes from behind the first one)
TV-Hammond 2: Hello. I'm a Jurassic Park movie.
TV-Hammond: Hello, Jurassic Park movie.
(And a third Hammond appears)
TV-Hammond 3: Hello. I'm another Jurassic Park movie.
TV-Hammond: Hello, Jurassic Park movie.
(And a fourth one appears, before we get another cut to NC, Malcolm and Tamara, who still have the same reaction to the video)
Hammond: By creating the same thing over and over with a drop of the original genius, we can have as many Jurassic Parks as we want.
Tamara: (applauding) Remarkable!
Malcolm: (applauding) Remarkably remarkable.
NC: (after the two have stopped, in a low voice) The lack of humility before great filmmaking that's being displayed here staggers me.
Malcolm: Oh, lighten up.
Tamara: Yeah, I just want to re-live my nostalgia without questioning why I'm a social media addict who doesn't like change.
Hammond: Now, now, now, let him talk. I want to hear everybody's viewpoint before I automatically disagree with it.
NC: I mean, don't you see the danger in what you're doing here? Jurassic Park is one of the coolest, most groundbreaking movies ever made, and you wield it like an Alien vs. Predator sequel.
Hammond: I don't think you're giving our sequels enough credit.
NC: Haven't you noticed each sequel is getting dumber with every clone?
TV-Hammond 3: (speaking with a stupid lisp) Duuuh. I'm Jurassic Park 3. I put numbers in the titles now.
TV-Hammond 4: (sounding like Rob's interpretation of Shaggy) Dooy! I'm Jurassic World! Somehow, not saying "Park" makes me a reboot!
NC: It's like that Michael Keaton movie from the 90s no one remembers.
Malcolm: The Paper?
NC: No.
Tamara: Speechless?
NC: No.
Malcolm: My Life?
NC: No.
Tamara: Desperate Measures?
NC: No.
Malcolm: Jack Frost?
NC: No.
Tamara: Much Ado About Nothing?
NC: No.
Malcolm: One Good Cop?
NC: No.
Tamara: Pacific Heights?
NC: No.
Malcolm: Multiplicity?
NC: (gives him a satisfied smile) That's the one.
Malcolm: Oh, come on, every sequel has a ton of great scenes.
Hammond: Two.
Malcolm: (wondering) Huh?
Hammond: Two great scenes. That's what our scientists figured out. You only need two great scenes to keep people coming back.
(The two great scenes from every sequel are shown when they're mentioned)
Hammond (vo): Lost World had the glass breaking and the T-rex running in the city, (Jurassic Park) 3 had the Pterodactyls and the T-rex fight, and World had the opening and, oog, that ending with the T-rex. Oooh, mommy, look at the T-rex and then she (Claire Dearing) is running around in her high heels and then Blue comes out of nowhere, and before you know it, their mate jumps out of the water and then CHOMP, and everybody is applauding, going "Goodness gracious, me".
Hammond: So, by having only two good moments, we could have the same idiot characters doing the same idiot things, (starts chuckling) and nobody cares.
NC: You stood on the shoulders of geniuses to accomplish something as fast as you could, and before you even knew what you had, you patented it and packaged it and slapped it on a plastic lunchbox, and now (slams his fist on a desk, while the sound of the original movie plays over it) you're selling it, you're selling it. Well...
Malcolm: (looks around) Does anyone else feel weird that he is giving the Ian Malcolm dialogue? Because my name is literally Malcolm.
NC: How long is it gonna take before doing the exact same thing over and over doesn't lead to two great scenes anymore?
Tamara: Um, I hate to interrupt, but... (points to the cloned Hammonds) what are your sequels doing?
Hammond: Oh, feeding.
(The clones look to the original TV-Hammond with malicious intend)
TV-Hammond: (scared) Grant? GRAAAANT!!
(He gets overwhelmed and devoured by his clones, while the original Hammond looks in shock)
Hammond: No, no, no, no, no. You cannot feed that much!
NC: I knew it! They're devouring the original, so now there's nothing original left! It's like that terrible 90s movie with the awful CGI.
Malcolm: Deep Rising?
NC: No.
Tamara: The Relic?
NC: No.
Malcolm: Lost in Spa-
Hammond: I don't understand. These shitty sequels still make money!
NC: Yeah, but you got so occupied thinking if you could, you never bothered to think if you should.
Malcolm: Again, (waves his hand around his face) literally Malcolm!
Hammond: I just don't know how this is possible.
NC: Well, this just like what happened with today's movie Jurassic Park*: Fallen King-
- He said Park instead of World. Then again, it's technically the same franchise, so this is an excusable mistake
Tamara: (interrupting) Well, obviously, we all knew you were making that comparison.
(NC is stunned. Long beat)
NC: Well...do you know why kids love the taste of Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
Tamara: Yes.
(Both are waiting for an explanation)
NC: Will you tell us?
Tamara: No.
NC and Malcolm: (disappointed) Awww.
(We cut to footage from the movie)
NC (vo): It may have made a lot of money, but Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom has left a lot of viewers asking "What the heaping pile of dinosaur shit were they thinking?" Not only does it have little to nothing new in it, but the idiotic decisions made in this movie are so massive and so mind-blowing that you feel like that one pilot in Return of the Jedi.
(A clip of this film is briefly shown)
Telsij: There is too many of them!
NC (vo): Along with false advertising making it look like the film was about the dinosaurs being released on the public, when it's really just the last few minutes, this duped audiences, pissed off critics, and yet still made a bundle at the box office, because dinosaurs are like dangling keys to us. Just keep waving them in front of our faces, and we'll keep forgetting what a lazy, repetitive form of entertainment they are.
NC: (goes to his usual chair) So, as long as there are still people optimistic enough to have hope for these movies...
(One of the clones barfs something up)
Tamara: (disgusted) Oh, God, did those sequels just belch up a hungover Jeff Goldblum?
Hammond: (off-screen) Spared no expense.
NC: ...we'll always be here to review it. Let's take a look at Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom.
(The movie starts with showing a submarine swimming in the sea)
NC (vo): The film opens up with an inspiring idea that no Jurassic Park film has ever tackled befo-
NC: (waves off in dismissal) Nah, just kidding! It opens...
NC (vo): ...with dinosaurs attacking people like always.
(We cut to a team of mercenaries arriving on the abandoned Isla Nublar to get the DNA of the Indominus rex at the bottom of the park's lagoon)
NC (vo): These guys are sneaking into a now-closed park, due to reconstruction and peeling tourists out of teeth, (As he says this, the screenshot of Marty Moose from National Lampoon's Vacation holding a "Sorry Folks!" sign is shown, but with "Closed Due to Death!" Photoshopped onto the sign) as they know this is a dangerous and illegal mission, so they smartly bring no weapons at all.
(The three mercenaries call to Jack to run because something is behind him, but he can't hear because of the rain)
Jack: What? What is going on? I can't hear you!
NC: (as Jack, calling out) I don't know what this means!
NC (vo): What does this mean?
NC: Is this a gang sign? Are you in a gang? "Don't join the gang"?!
(And behind Jack is...the tyrannosaurus rex that roars at him)
NC (vo): Hey, look, the T-rex.
NC: (poker-faced) ...Oh.
(The T-rex chases after Jack who tries to grab the ladder as the helicopter flies away)
NC (vo): Yeah, it's not really a big deal anymore. In the first one, she almost outruns a jeep; in the second one, she can't catch up to a crowd of people; in this one, she can't catch up with Homer Simpson's voice actor*. I'm the motherfu...ah, who cares?
- Jack is not played by Dan Castellaneta, but Robert Emms
(Jack manages to hold on to a ladder and laughs)
NC: Okay. Never laugh in a survival film, unless you want your obvious death...
(The mosasaurus dives out of the water and chomps up Jack as the helicopter flies away from the island)
NC (vo): ...to be accompanied by...
(A raptor in a tuxedo appears, shrugging and imitating the trumpet's failure sound of...)
Raptor Man (voiced by Doug): Wha-whaaaa!
(We cut to a lava pouring across the ground to a ominous chorus)
NC: Ooh, choir music! Shit's getting real in this Jurassic Park!
(The camera pulls back to reveal the movie's title)
NC (vo): Yeah, we need epic Latin gibberish to frame the gigantic size of Jeff Goldblum's ego!
(We are shown the U.S. Senate hearing in Washington, where the debate of whether Isla Nublar's dinosaurs should be saved from an impending volcanic eruption is going. Dr. Ian Malcolm, played by Goldblum, states his thoughts on the subject)
Ian: I think we should allow our glorious dinosaurs to be taken out by the volcano.
(The people murmur)
NC: (as Ian) As a dinosaur myself, I wish to be put out of my misery.
NC (vo): It looks like a volcano is about to take out the island of dinosaurs, and the debate rages whether or not it's ethical to save them or let them die.
NC: As well as the debate of...did Jeff Goldblum just read the script and only now...
NC (vo): ...while saying the lines, realize how stupid it is?
Ian: I'm talking about...man-made, cataclysmic...change.
Senator Sherwood (Peter Jason): What kind of change?
Ian: Change is like death.
NC: (as Jeff Goldblum) I-Is that really what I'm saying? I-I'm a scientist, and that's what I'm saying? Okay, whatever. (wiggles his fingers) Deeeath!
(Meanwhile in the city, Jurassic World's former operations manager, Claire Dearing (Bryce Dallas Howard), has established the Dinosaur Protection Group to save the animals, which consists of mostly young people that do stuff in the office)
NC (vo): Meanwhile, we cut to the real heroes of this movie: hipsters!
NC: Oh, you think I'm joking? They have a whole office...
NC (vo): ...of SJWs researching what to be offended by next.
NC: And good news: you have the whole movie with them!
NC (vo): As the original owner of the park, Claire, played again by Bryce Dallas Howard, leads a group of Chevy "millennial" ads to lobby for the safety of the dinosaurs. But they get some bad news.
Senator Sherwood: (on TV) The committee has resolved not to recommend any legislative action regarding the de-extinct creatures on Isla Nublar.
NC: (as Sherwood) They said this was literally done just to shut Jeff Goldblum up.
(Somebody calls Claire on the phone)
NC (vo): So, as you can imagine, this is a real big blow to Claire- (Cut to a helicopter flying to a mansion in Northern California as a uplifting orchestral music plays) Or the music indicates things are good!
NC: (smiling) Who said this movie was tone-deaf?
(In the mansion, Claire meets Sir Benjamin Lockwood (James Cromwell), John Hammond's former partner who is disabled and has to move in a wheelchair)
NC (vo): She's brought to John Hammond #2...that's honestly what he is. Didn't you know? John Hammond had a super-close business partner he never talked about in any of the other movies.
NC: And if, for some reason, you're confused as shit by that, don't worry!
(Lockwood's assistant, Eli Mills (Rafe Spall), greets Claire)
NC (vo): This incredibly forced exposition...oh, I mean, totally natural human talk, will clear things up.
(A montage of various points of Mills and Claire's conversation is shown)
Mills: We actually met once, seven-eight years ago, and you don't remember. / Hammond and Lockwood built custom lab in a sub-basement...
Claire: Haven't you run his foundations since...?
Mills: Since college. Yeah. / ...extracted the first DNA from amber, right beneath our feet. / He wanted someone young, and, uh, idealistic to spend his fortune. / (as Claire glances at Hammond's portrait) John Alfred Hammond. The father of Jurassic Park. But, of course, you know that.
NC (vo): Oh, my God.
NC: (throws hands) Did you really just spell out who John Hammond is? Like the audience is that stupid?
Mills: John Alfred Hammond. But, of course, you know that.
NC: (as Mills, the picture of a raptor appears) This is a dinosaur! But you already knew that. (A picture of the T-rex's jaws is shown) These are teeth! But you already knew that. (takes out a sheet of paper) This is paper! (waves it slowly to the camera) Paaaapeeeer! We're just talking how people normally talk. Paaaaper! This is how we normally talk.
NC (vo): Hammond's partner is Ben Lockwood, played by James Cromwell. By God, Babe: Pig in the City wasn't kind to him.
Lockwood: John said it best. These creatures don't need our protection. They need our absence. (As he speaks, Claire notices someone young upstairs, who runs off)
NC: This is why we're flying in to anal fist nature once more.
NC (vo): Yep. He wants to save them and bring them to a new island to live in peace. Because all the other times we ever interfered with these bitches, it always turned out great.
Mills: (showing an electronic map of the island on the table) There was a tracking system in place at the park. Radio frequency ID chips in each dinosaur.
Claire: I remember.
NC: (as Mills) I know. We're establishing who bad the writing is.
Mills: There is one that poses a real challenge for us. (swipes to show a picture of a familiar velociraptor) Blue is potentially the second most intelligent piece of life on this planet.
NC: (as Mills) We honestly should have let her write the screenplay.
(Claire drives to Owen Brady (Chris Pratt), Jurassic World's former velociraptor trainer, who is building a house)
NC (vo): There's only one person who can connect with Blue, and that's her trainer Owen, played again by Chris Pratt. (in a deep voice, regarding the house's wooden frame) I was Groot.
NC: Well, it shouldn't be too tricky to get him on board, seeing how those two were an item from the last movie...
(Cut to show Claire laughing loudly and sarcastically at something Owen said to her)
Claire: I can't believe you think that you left me!
NC: Oh, we're Ghostbusters II-ing this!
NC (vo): You know, that dumb shit where they break up a couple for absolutely no reason, except to get them back again in the sequel? 'Cause...new ideas are for people who want to think?
NC: Well, if there's anything (shot from...) Twister has taught us, is that a divorced couple that constantly acts like a divorced couple should clearly be together!
Owen: I left you.
Claire: You are so stubborn.
Owen: Well, look at you now. You're saving the world.
NC: Yeah. That's the line that deserved the super over-the-top laugh.
Owen: Look at you now. You're saving the world.
(Claire laughs loudly)
Claire: Blue is alive. You're just gonna let her die?
Owen: Well, yeah.
NC: (as Owen) I got a band I'm starting anyway called Mouse Rat. I really think it's gonna take off.
(We are shown a small house where Owen resides at night)
NC (vo): Meanwhile, at a countryside so cliched, they actually put in a shooting star...
NC: Make a wish! Maybe they'll clone Samuel L. Jackson! (The picture with Ray Arnold's face Photoshopped on a raptor is shown)
(Owen is watching the video of his first encounter with Blue at Jurassic World)
NC (vo): ...we see where the real romance in this movie lies.
(In a video, Owen is pretending to be crying, so a velociraptor comes to him, reacting to the sigh of weakness)
Owen: (in the video) Hey. I'm okay.
NC: (as Owen) Hmmm. Mr. Owen Blue. Guess it does have a nice ring to it.
(Eventually, the next day, Owen sneaks on to a helicopter with Claire on board, along with two of the Dinosaur Protection Group members, Franklin Webb and Zia Rodriguez)
NC (vo): So he surprises her on the plane heading towards the island.
Zia (Daniella Pineda): Franklin, later.
Owen: (to Claire) Didn't think you were gonna ever show up.
NC: (as Claire) Well, I have to change a million things to account for another person, supplies, rations and so forth, but thanks for surprising me, asshole!
NC (vo): Don't worry, though. Our duo of self-righteous Lisa Simpsons will bring the laughs.
(Cut to a scene from before: Franklin and Zia packing up)
Zia: You're more likely to die riding a horse than in a plane.
Franklin (Justice Smith): No, I'm not, because I wouldn't get on a horse. My chances are zero.
NC: (as Zia) This is just like when we got the argument of whose screenplay represented the evils of capitalism better!
(Meanwhile, at Lockwood's residence, the housekeeper Iris (Geraldine Chaplin) walks into a hall of artifacts)
NC (vo): Meanwhile, back at Lockwood's house...
(Iris stops when she hears a small noise)
NC: (sarcastically) Oh, yeah, I'm really scared something's gonna happen, and it's not just a fake-out. I don't know!
NC (vo): I think one of those statues are gonna move!
(Iris is scared by a little girl named Maisie (Isabella Sermon). The raptor in a tuxedo pops up)
Raptor: Wha-whaaaaa!
NC (vo): This is Maisie, Lockwood's granddaughter he cares for after his daughter died in a car crash.
Maisie: I don't want a bath.
Iris: Queen's English, girl. Bath.
Maisie: (repeats) Bath.
Iris: Bath.
Maisie: Bath.
Iris: You're not a wild animal...
(Maisie jokingly roars, startling Iris, and giggles)
NC: It doesn't matter how charming an actress you are, honey. (nods, grinning) You will be the worst part of this movie!
(Maisie comes to Lockwood in his bed)
Lockwood: You have your mother's wicked sense of humor.
Maisie: Do I look like her?
Lockwood: Oh, yes. (Maisie smiles)
NC: (as Lockwood) Oh, we took enough notes to make sure...I mean, uh, what strong genes! (chuckles nervously)
(The helicopter approaches Isla Nublar, again, to an uplifting music)
NC (vo; as a chorus singing to the score): We're not playing this goddamn music again!
(Cut to the inside of a van, where Franklin is spraying bug spray on his arms)
Franklin: (to a mercenary to his right) Need for bug spray? (He declines, so he asks the mercenary to his left) Bug spray? (He also declines)
NC: (laughs mockingly) Those guys aren't gonna want bug spray. You just don't get it.
Franklin: The T-rex should be dead by now, right?
NC: (still mockingly laughing) He's afraid of the T-rex. Did you get that? Did you get that he's afraid of the T-rex? We know we have to spell out a lot for you, so here it is again.
Franklin: So, she'd be dead by now...right?
NC: (still mockingly laughing) How frightfully witty.
(Suddenly, NC gets furious and tries to punch Franklin through the screen with lightning-fast punches. After that, Zia leaves the van to see the dinosaur, which is coming closer)
NC (vo): They come across their first whimsically beautiful dinosaur moment.
NC: I'm just gonna guess and say brontosaurus, because that's always...
(The brontosaurus moments are shown: from the first on-screen dinosaur from Jurassic Park, the brontosaurus by the river in 3 and the dying one in World)
NC (vo): ...the one they make whimsically beautiful.
(And it is a brontosaurus, indicated by a bing sound effect)
NC (vo): Is it weird that your dinosaur movies show...
NC: ...very few kinds of dinosaurs?
NC (vo): Well, get a load of this, that's the first dinosaur the dinosaur medic has ever seen.
Zia: (looks at the eating brontosaurus) Look at that. I never thought I'd see one in real life.
NC: That's like (A photo of a confused doctor appears) a veterinarian never seeing an animal! Why did you bring her?!
NC (vo): You have a shit-ton of money. Where there no other dinosaur medics when this park was opened?! Or did they just not have the badass woke blogger spunk that she has?
Ken Wheatley (Ted Levine): Miss, things could get hairy out there.
Zia: (takes out one of Wheatley's darts) These are powerful sedatives, one too many, and she could have respiratory failure. (puts the dart back on Wheatley's belt) Also, I'm not as soft and witless, as your comment implies.
NC (vo): Well, at the risk of questioning the towers of conventional cliché this movie is breaking down, I will ask the same question I asked in Van Helsing...
NC: (clears his throat) When does she get kidnapped?
(A scene of her already being captured by the mercenaries is shown with the caption "Four minutes later” answering his question)
NC: (sarcastically) Fight the good fight, Wonder Woman.
(Cut to Owen discovering a broken car, where Blue appears after a while of suspense)
NC (vo): They come across the original car that fell with Dr. Grant* and Timmy in it-
- Timmy was the only one in the car, when it was thrown down the wall by the T-rex. Grant was hanging on a rope with Lex, which is also shown in the next scene
NC: Guess they moved the giant wall...
(The scene from the first movie, where the car gets thrown down the wall, appears in the top-right corner)
NC (vo): ...but forgot the car?...as they locate Blue, but open fire too early.
(Wheatley and his mercenaries, who, big surprise, are evil, tranquilize Blue)
Owen: Wheatley, you son of a bitch!
(Owen gets hit in the chest with a dart, and considering that those darts have to be strong enough to pierce dinosaur skin, wonder how Owen hasn't died from a damaged lung or heart on top of the strong sedative)
NC: Cool, so a dart that they said could possibly kill a dinosaur just...
NC (vo): ...knocks out Chris Pratt, providing a (sarcastic voice) comedically goofy moment (normal voice) when the volcano explodes, and he has to out-numb his body to out-slither the lava.
(Owen moves slowly away from the conveniently slow flowing lava by moving one part of his body around his body to roll away)
NC: (waves his hands) While Chris Pratt pretending to be Mr. Bean...
NC (vo): ...playing "The Ground is Literally Lava" is supposed to be funny...
NC: ...I believe being that close to actual lava would probably leave you looking like this (Chris Pratt's face is shown, where his left side is Photoshopped to look like Two-Face from The Dark Knight) throughout the rest of the movie.
(Cut to Claire and Franklin inside the bunker)
NC (vo): Oh, thank God these two are still okay.
Franklin: It's the T-rex, it's the T-rex, it's the T-rex, Claire, it's the T-rex, it's the T-rex...
Claire: (Annoyed) Will you stop? It's not the T-rex!
NC: (as a cowardly Franklin) A-a-a-a-a-are you sure there's no T-rexes down here?
(As it turns out, it's not a T-rex, but a baryonyx, which isn't less dangerous to be around. Franklin yells a very goofy scream, as the baryonyx tries to get close to them, despite the fact that lava is flowing down the ceiling. But that doesn't seem to face the baryonyx since he gets hit in the face with a good amount of lava and takes no serious damage from it)
NC (vo): Good thing instinctual dinosaurs are just as stupid about staying away from lava.
Franklin: (climbing up a ladder, triumphantly) We made it! Yeah!
(Suddenly, the ladder falls down, dropping him back inside the bunker. The raptor man appears again)
Raptor Man: Wha-whaaaaa!
(As Claire tries to open the hatchway, Franklin, instead of just climbing up the ladder, stays down and in reach of the baryonyx for no other reason but to build up suspense)
NC: (points up) Yeah, go up, you dumbass!
(He still doesn't climb up, but instead looks to the baryonyx)
NC: (points up) Go up!
(The baryonyx roars and Franklin, still not climbing up, screams in terror)
NC: (still pointing up) Go! Up!
(And once the baryonyx attacks, he finally goes up the ladder)
NC: Christ, even Shaggy and Scooby are making fun of what are coward you are!
(An earlier scene is shown with an animated Shaggy and Scooby edited in)
Scooby (voiced by Doug): Wow, what a pussy.
(Claire and Franklin escape and trap the baryonnyx inside the bunker)
Claire: Holy...!
(They see that the volcano starts erupting)
NC: Ah, yes, this movie can kill tons of people, but it can't say the S-word. The cementing of the PG-13 genius continues.
(Owen, Claire and Franklin are hiding behind one of the stranded travel spheres so they don't get crushed by the panicked dinosaurs trying to escape)
NC: Oh, yeah, that'll work.
(The dinosaurs destroy the tree in front of the sphere, but run around the sphere itself, not harming them in any way)
NC: (surprised) Oh. Okay.
NC (vo): I thought that only works with Coke machines and Dennis Rodman.
NC: Eh, shows what I know.
(Claire and Franklin have entered the sphere, but before Owen can enter it, a Carnotaurus appears on the other side of the entrance. How that prevents Owen from entering is unclear)
Claire: Get in!
NC (vo; as Owen): No, no, I have to stand still, slowly back away, and then just stare blankly at it rather than take a millisecond to step inside.
NC: They can't track you if you act very stupid.
(The T-rex appears and heavily wounds the Carnotaurus)
NC (vo): But the T-rex makes her big entrance...which we already saw, so it's not a big deal, but, man, they try to make it one.
(The T-rex lets out a big roar with an epic score playing in the background, before she gets hit by a volcanic shockwave and runs off)
NC: You know, she really is a drama queen. She's, like, the ultimate photo bomber.
NC (vo): I can totally see her post on her Instagram being like...
(We see a fake Instagram account of the T-rex, where she posts this event. She even got 215 likes and replies from paulynhabijan "Beautiful (heart eyes)", styleshouts (thumb up), designsaunders (four heart eyes) and buffer "Thanks so much (pink heart)")
T-rex (Tamara): Oh, my God, guys, I just happen to be roaring for no reason when a volcano totally erupted. What are the chances, right? Like and follow or I'll eat you, byeeeee.
(The sphere rolls down a cliff and into the sea, where Claire and Franklin almost drown, before being saved by Owen)
NC (vo): We then get, to the film's credit, the only good suspenseful scene, where Claire and Franklin almost drown, but maybe I love it, because Claire and Franklin almost drown. Pratt gets them out, and they see the dinosaurs are being taken captive.
(A helicopter with the T-rex flies by)
NC: Well, too bad it's such a long distance away and they couldn't possibly walk there-
(Cut to them on a cliff looking over the harbor, where the dinosaurs are held captive and are transported on board of a cargo ship)
NC (vo): So they walk there in seconds and find the man are kidnapping the dinosaurs for their own terrible means.
Wheatley: We'll just put that up and we'll tow it on. Let's go!
NC: Continue to be late 90s Disney villains (Shots of Clayton and Commander Rourke are shown) and talk about how you're only interested in the money.
Wheatley: (over phone to Mills) I want that money in the bank by the time I get back. (in a truck) I want that bonus, we got the blue one. (in the underground auction house) I want my bonus!
NC (vo): Oh, and be sure to take an evil trophy to add to your evil collection, even though a frigging volcano is exploding and seconds count.
(Wheatley rips out a tooth from a stegosaurus and adds it to his collection)
Wheatley: You're gonna feel that when you wake up.
NC: (as Wheatley) This will make a great necklace for my woman suit. (Buffalo Bill from The Silence of the Lambs is shown)
(Owen and the others manage to take a truck and jump on board of the ship in the last second)
NC (vo): Our heroes goddamn jump from an island onto the boat while driving a truck, (Beat) and nobody seems to notice. Oh, I see, it's because she (Claire) wore a hat. That instantly disguises one of the most famous faces the world had ever known for a while.
NC: (as a mercenary) Isn't that the lady who owned the park we were just sent to pillage?
(Cut to a scene from the season 5 episode "Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy" from The Simpsons)
Smithers: But she's got a new hat.
NC: Oh, of course, yeah. (Beat) Then why is nobody recognizing those two?
(Cut to Owen and Franklin inside the truck, not wearing any disguises)
NC (vo): They don't have mind-cloaking hats like she does, they were pretty high up in the mission's totem pole.
NC: (to the side) Oh, excuse me, miss, (talks to Tamara wearing a hat) we're in the middle of filming, I'm gonna need you to clear out.
Tamara: (takes off the hat) Critic, it's me.
NC: (acts overdramatically shocked) Tamara, wh-wh-where did you come from?
(Malcolm comes in, wearing a cowboy hat)
NC: Did you see that, random stranger wearing a hat?
Malcolm: (takes of his hat) Critic, it's me.
NC: (acts more dramatic than before) Witchcraft!! The logic of Fallen Kingdom has not let me astray!
Malcolm: Let me try something.
(He takes the hat form Tamara and puts it on)
NC: (unfazed) Malcolm, when did you turn into a white woman?
Tamara: Yeah, I need a shot of something.
(They leave)
NC: (off-screen, overdramatically) WITCHCRAFT!!
NC (vo): And keeping with the film's flawlessly constructive tone, the dinosaurs that were trying to kill everybody and you were supposed to be afraid of, we're immediately supposed to feel sorry for now.
(A lone brontosaurus is engulfed by ash and fire, slowly dying, which is seen by a saddened Claire)
NC: Wow, it's like that incredibly smooth transition they had in the first film.
(Cut to the first film, showing T-rex trying to eat Tim and Lex, and then immediately to Grant and the kids looking at a peaceful brontosaurus)
Lex: Can I touch it?
Grant: Sure. Just think of it as kind of a big cow.
NC: It's a rollercoaster of emotion. (A picture of a rollercoaster is shown with part of the rails edited out) That's not yet finished, but you're riding anyway.
(Cut to a commercial break. After returning, we're shown Maisie overhearing Mills talking with Gunnar Eversol (Toby Jones), who are planning to auction the captured dinosaurs on the black market. Maisie crawls to the laboratory to hear the rest of their talk)
NC (vo): Back at Lockwood's house, Maisie sees two men in suits talking business. Ooh! This would entice any seven-year-old's attention! Gotta check this out!
Mills: Our geneticists have created a direct descendant. (activates the hologram of Indominus rex to reveal the creature's DNA will be used to make a new dinosaur, Indoraptor) The animal that took down Jurassic World. It follows human command.
NC: Ah, you're making another dinosaur based on the one you couldn't control before that destroyed an entire park. (Beat) I see no problems here, proceed.
(Maisie runs down to warn Lockwood)
NC (vo): Maisie tries to let her grandfather know what's going on.
Maisie: They're going to sell the dinosaurs. They're bringing them here.
Lockwood: I'm sure you misunderstood.
Maisie: I know what I heard, Grandpa.
Lockwood: Maisie, it's way past your bedtime.
NC: (as Lockwood) You were just like this the first time you were this age.
(Meanwhile, Owen, Claire and Franklin discover Zia, who was taken by the mercenaries to treat Blue's injury)
NC (vo): Our heros find Zia and try to help her fix up Blue who was injured.
(Claire is uncovering Blue's wound so Zia could extract the bullet from her)
Zia: Franklin, you take over for Claire.
Franklin: Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Zia: Franklin.
(Cut to Franklin looking for the bullet inside Blue. The blood splashes over his face)
Franklin: Oh, my God. Is it in my mouth? Did it get in my mouth?
(NC laughs mockingly...and abruptly gets furious again and punches Franklin through the screen with lightning-fast hits)
NC (vo): She says Blue needs a blood transplant, and the only one that'll work is, of course, from the T-rex.
NC: Okay, I don't know much about dinosaurs...and judging by the fact she's never seen one, I don't think she does either, but is getting the blood from two very different animals the same?
(The T-rex is shown to be also captured)
NC (vo): If a cat is injured, would blood from a lion work just as well?
NC: Chaplin, what do you think?
(Doug's cat Chaplin is shown to be waking up and looking to his left)
NC: BOO!
(Owen and Claire take the T-rex's blood and nearly escape when she awakens. At Lockwood's estate, Maisie enters the laboratory, but hears somebody else coming in. She hides and sees Mills with the geneticist Henry Wu (B.D. Wong), whom we first saw in the first movie, but in a much smaller role)
NC (vo): The T-rex, of course, wakes up...they don't realize they can just stay behind her to be safe... and they attempt a crazy escape to get the blood back. Meanwhile, back at Lockwood's, a...I guess, big surprise is made: Dr. Wu is helping them weaponize the dinosaurs.
Wu: Blue's DNA will be part of the next Indoraptor's makeup.
NC: When did this guy go...
NC (vo): ...from just the person next to the dinosaur eggs to the world's biggest DNA splicing supervillain?
NC: (menacingly) I'll tell you exactly when! This nod.
(A clip from the first film is shown with Dr. Wu just nodding in response)
NC: That nod was up to something.
(Maisie quickly crawls away from the lab)
Penny: (from 1983's Inspector Gadget; audio) I've got to warn Uncle Gadget!
(However, Mills encounters Maisie, who has found the cages for the dinosaurs upstairs)
NC (vo): Of course, they figure out that Maisie knows about their super illegal diabolical plan, so they...give her a timeout.
(Mills locks Maisie up in her room and gives the key to Iris)
Mills: Keep her in there and keep the door locked.
NC: (as Mills, addressing Maisie) Now, you think about how weaponizing endangered species can benefit you.
(We cut to Claire taking a nap in Owen's arms)
NC (vo): Hey, look. They like each other again. Yeah, seeing how their chemistry made no sense, it was out of nowhere in the last movie, I guess it makes sense to do it once more.
NC: But wait. This is a movie starring douchey hipsters. (grins, arms akimbo) Painfully forced Trump joke!
(Wheatley goes to Zia's tent and orders her to bring Blue's blood samples)
Zia: Take your own damn samples.
Wheatley: (closes the tent) What a nasty woman.
NC: (pretends to be surprised) Whoa, whoa, whoa! (chuckles) I'm sorry...
(The pictures of Stephen Colbert, the Saturday Night Live crew that films the sketches with Alec Baldwin as Donald Trump, and the photo of Trump himself with the caption "I believe in traditional marriage - I've had three of them!" are shown)
NC (vo): ...Stephen Colbert, SNL and countless Internet memes.
NC: You need to retire. Jurassic World has won the battle of political commentary!
NC (vo): And here I thought (poster of Michael Moore's...) Fahrenheit 11/9 would be the one to bring Trump down!
NC: ...Okay, nobody thought that, but nevertheless, Jurassic World has beaten you to the punch! (laughs) Oh, thank you so much...
(Derek Connolly's IMDb page is shown, revealing that the list of the movies he wrote (Safety Not Guaranteed, Kong: Skull Island and the future Star Wars Episode IX) doesn't say much)
NC (vo): ...writer of... (After a pause, we see the poster of another movie Connolly wrote...) Monster Trucks!
NC: (puts a fist to his heart) You have given us a voice.
(The mercenaries begin preparing for the auction)
NC (vo): They get the dinosaurs to Lockwood's house...somehow not making any noise for Lockwood or his servants to hear...hey, I guess if they made this dinosaur dungeon and auctioning house under his nose all this time, they must just have really quiet workers...and they get the dinosaurs in their cages.
(The T-rex is released from her cage to be put in another one, and a small, helpless goat is used as a bait. We're shown the first film's clip again, showing Dr. Grant watching the T-rex from the distance)
Grant: T-rex doesn't want to be fed, he wants to hunt.
(Back to the Jurassic World sequel, we see the T-rex swallowing what's left of the goat)
NC: Everybody who made this hates the first movie.
(Lockwood calls Mills and tells him he knows about everything what's going on around him)
NC (vo): But Lockwood finally finds out. Hey, I guess he does have a little bit of a brain.
NC: But, uh...not too much.
Lockwood: Did you really think you could get away with it? Pick up that phone. I want you to call the police.
(Malcolm enters, coming from the prop room)
NC: Oh, hey, Malcolm. What are you up to?
Malcolm: Oh, well, I've spent years and years to build an aquarium to auction off weaponized killer whales.
(NC looks up in surprise, and we're shown the footage of an orca swimming in aquarium)
Malcolm: I've hired a lot of people to transport them, and the bidder should be amazing.
NC: No, no, Malcolm. This won't do at all. I need you to call the police and turn yourself in.
Malcolm: (chuckles a bit, then takes out his phone) Well, I guess there's no other way around it.
NC: No, not at all.
Malcolm: I'm sure once I let all my accomplices know, they'll gladly turn themselves in, too.
NC: Well, I think that goes without saying.
Malcolm: Thank you for setting me straight and bringing my life to a crashing halt.
NC: Absolutely. It's the least I could do.
Malcolm: Wait. Couldn't I...kill you?
NC: (chuckles) No.
Malcolm: Well, I guess you're right. Okay, I'm placing the call right now.
NC: (waves away) Spit-spot.
Malcolm: (going back to the prop room, to his caller) Hello, police? Yeah, I've got a whale of a tale for you. (laughs) Yeah, that'll be funny. I mean it.
NC: (turns back to the camera) He's a good kit. So anyway...
(Mills suffocates Lockwood to death with a pillow)
NC (vo): ...the bad guy doesn't call the cops and kills Lockwood.
(Owen and Claire are apprehended by Wheatley outside the estate)
NC (vo): Meanwhile, Owen and Claire are found out and captured.
Wheatley: Hello. You should've stayed on the island.
(The other mercenaries corner them)
NC: (as Wheatley) Grab 'em by the pussy, men. Build a wall to keep 'em locked up!
NC (vo): So, okay. They're locked up in the house, the auction for the dinosaurs is about to begin. Surely, this must be the opening of the third act.
NC: Nope. We're only at the halfway point.
(Mills speaks to Claire and Owen in the cell before the auction starts, revealing everything to them)
NC (vo): Yeah, there's still a ton of this movie left. Christ, this film would've been faster if you just killed them instead of explaining your plan like a James Bond villain!
Mills: I saved these animals.
Claire: You betrayed a dying man for money.
Mills: Claire, I admire your idealism.
Claire: I never, ever did...
(Cut to a clip from a 1952 Merrie Melodies short "Rabbit Seasoning")
Daffy Duck: Shoot him now! Shoot him now!
(Downstairs, Maisie uses a wired rack to push the key that was left in the door so it falls to the doormat, and then pull the doormat with the key to herself. The very similar scene from The Critic episode "Dr. Jay" is shown)
NC (vo): Maisie ironically uses the trick that the raptors used in the Jurassic Park parody from The Critic...
NC: Proving this pretty much is a parody of the parody.
(Breaking out, Maisie opens the window to the outside and slowly climbs to the next room via cornice)
NC (vo): And even then, it seems pointless because she climbs out of a window a moment later!
NC: Wha...why did you just have her climb out her bedroom window to save time?!
NC (vo): No wonder we still half an hour left! Stop writing pointless shit!
(Below, while this is going on, Mills and Eversol greet the Russian mob dealer, Anton Orlov, played by Alex Dower)
Eversol: (speaking in Russian with...to be fair, a bad accent) Hello, Anton. How are you doing?
Anton: (speaking, surprisingly, in a very fluent Russian) I'm fine. I hope everything's ready.
NC: (as Anton) By the way, there is...
NC (vo): ...a small child climbing up your building.
NC: You may want to get that looked at.
(Eversol starts the auction)
NC (vo): So the auction begins, as all the world's most darkly dressed supervillain leaders come to bid on the Flintstones' garage sale.
Eversol: The ankylosaurus. (The said caged dinosaur slides out by the conveyor belt) This is a herbivorous quadruped. This is one of the largest armored dinosaurs.
NC: (as Eversol, while the fashion show music plays) The ankylosaurus...
NC (vo): ... is wearing our Late Cretaceous fall look, which seems to say to onlookers, "I give pointed conversation."
NC: (still as Eversol) Sassy.
NC (vo): Owen has an idea, though, for how to get out of their cell.
(He irritates a Stygimoloch with whistling, causing it to run against the brick wall between their cells, until it breaks)
NC (vo; in the manner of Kool-Aid): Oh, yeah! (as Owen) Oh, shit.
NC: Now we're screwed. That thing's gonna kill us. Totally gonna kill us.
NC (vo): Oh, don't worry. I'm sure there is yet another cartoon dumbbell scene that'll save everybody.
(Owen stands in front of the door and whistles again to irritate the Stygimoloch. He then avoids the attack which breaks the locked door open, and causes the dinosaur to hit an iron carrier with full force)
Raptor Man: Wah-waaaaaaaaaah!
(Owen and Claire meet Maisie getting out of the air vent on their way)
NC (vo): They come across Maisie and quickly earn each other's trust.
Claire: My name is Claire. What's yours?
Maisie: (sobs) Maisie. Maisie Lockwood.
NC: (as Maisie) Maisie No. 2 Lockwood. I always thought this was a weird middle name.
(Cut back to the auctioning house, where the Indoraptor, a artificially created prototype of the DNS from Blue and Coke 2, is presented to the bidders)
NC (vo): Meanwhile, they bring out the leftover-rex and tell them it's not being bid on, because it's only a prototype.
NC: (rests his head on his right hand, confused) Then why are you showing it?
NC (vo): Are you trying to cement your place in the ever-growing dinosaur auction market? I feel like you got the seal on this for a while.
Anton: Twenty million.
Asian bidder: Twenty-one.
NC (vo): They bid on it anyway, which, once again, is a pointless scene, because Owen comes in to stop them. Again, you could have cut that and not miss shit.
(The bidders flee from the auction house as they are still followed and thrown around by the pachycephalosaurus, because for some reason there are no guards to keep them save from escaped dinosaurs, as Wheatley stays outside, waiting for them to leave)
NC (vo; as Wheatley): There's clearly blame on both sides for this. Some of you are mighty fine people.
(Wheatley enters the auctioning house and tranquilizes the Indoraptor)
NC (vo): Of course, dumbass goes into the cage of...
NC: (waves his hands) I guess the best thing to call this is the Coke-Three-asaurus.
NC (vo): ...to, what else, get a tooth for his tooth collection. What follows is amazingly not the stupidest thing in the movie.
(Wheatly tries to pull out a tooth from what he thinks is knocked-out dinosaur. But the Indoraptor is somehow completely conscious and lures Wheatley's attention to its tail by lifting it. Once he looks to its back, the indoraptor opens its eyes and smiles)
NC: She smiled at the camera! She goddamn smiled at the camera! It's official: we're in a Weird Al video!
(We see the ending from Weird Al's "Jurassic Park" parody video, where the animated T-rex is smiling and winking at the camera)
NC (vo): We're seconds away from this thing just straight up talking!
(The scene is replayed, but with a comedic hillbilly music)
NC (vo; as the Indoraptor, speaking in a goofy voice): Ho-ho-ho-ho, I'm gonna get 'im, kids! What has one arm and is you? You!
(The indoraptor bites Wheatley's arm off, growls in front of him and starts killing him. This is all seen by a hiding Eversol)
NC (vo; as Wheatley): Make Jurassic World great again!
NC: Oh, but don't think, on top of that, you're not getting a "wah-wah" moment, too.
(The Indoraptor tries to get Eversol and some of the left bidders in the elevator, but the doors shut before it can reach them, as Eversol sighs in relief. But the tail of the Indoraptor destroys the console, the doors open again, and everyone inside becomes a victim of the Indoraptor)
Raptor Man: (in a more high-pitched voice) Wah-waaaaaaaaaah!
(The scene of the smiling Indoraptor is played next to the raptor man)
NC (vo; as the indoraptor): Ho-ho-ho-ho, we used to make real movies!
NC: (rubs his forehead) We then get the dumbest, most pointless twist in all the film and, on top of that, it comes out of nowhere.
(Mills discovers Owen, Claire and Maisie in the storage)
NC (vo): The bad guys corner our heroes and, for no reason, just starts talking about this.
Mills: You have no idea what she is. Lockwood never had a grandchild. He just wanted his daughter back. He made her again.
(We cut to a frame of M. Night Shyamalan)
Shyamalan (Doug): Um...yeah, that's pretty stupid.
NC: Right?! What the flying hell?!
NC (vo): She's a clone? What's the point of that? It doesn't connect to anything. And despite being, I guess, a few clues, nobody could've guessed this, because it doesn't tie in to any of the character's motivations. Why even tell them that? Just shoot them and take her!
NC: In fact, why tell Maisie that?!
(Maisie is shown to be traumatized by the relevation, and only Owen snaps her out of it as they escape)
NC (vo): What did he think was honestly gonna happen after he let her know?
NC: (as Mills) That's right, she's a clone! Now, Maisie, come here. (pretends to pat Maisie on the back while leaving his chair) Good girl, good girl. Yeah, you were faced by that? Oh, were you? Yeah, no, not at all. You want some ice cream? Want some ice cream? Yeah, I'll be nice. Yeah, yeah, you're a clone, funny, right? (to the guards) Shoot them. (A sound of opening fire is heard)
(In the underground laboratory, Zia is chained to a cage as Dr. Wu talks to her, before getting knocked out by Franklin, who injects a seductive into his neck)
NC (vo): Franklin saves Zia from the evil Dr. Wu...
NC: (leans on his hand) God, that still sounds weird.
NC (vo): ...and the who-gives-a-shit-saurus tries to hunt down our heroes, as the rest of this movie turns into Yoshi's mansion.
(Owen, Claire and Maisie are hiding beneath the socket of a triceratops head, as the Indoraptor stays on the head, trying to sniff them out)
NC: Boy, this weaponized killing machine is kind of a dumbass.
NC (vo): She can't even find them when they're literally under her nose. And even when she does, she's so goddamn clumsy, you'd swear (screenshot of...) the Scream killer gave her stalking lessons.
(The Indoraptor tries to sniff them out again, but they hide behind a door right next to her)
NC: Oh, yeah, use your heightened sense of smell to completely miss that they were...
NC (vo): ...right in front of you! A door. Oh, well, can't get get beyond that, I guess she's the Signs aliens.
(The Indoraptor finally manages to point them down in one of the jungle exhibits, but when Maisie manages to escape, while screaming in panic, the Indoraptor follows her and leaves the trapped adults be)
NC (vo): Oh, even greater idea. Leave the two larger meals who are trapped behind, and chase after the smaller morsel running away.
NC: Whoever won this thing is gonna have some serious buyer's remorse!
NC (vo): Claire's leg is busted up bad, so she urges Owen to go and save Maisie.
Owen: I can't leave you here.
(She kisses him)
NC (vo; as Claire): Remember I dumped you.
(As it rains outside, the Indoraptor climbs on top of the mansion to a chorus)
NC (vo): That epic choir music comes back, again, totally warranted for such a giant, epic image like (speaks triumphantly) a raptor on the roof!
(The Indoraptor roars behind the full moon)
NC: My God, IT'S FINALLY HAPPEEEEEE-
NC (vo): And we see the kid who figured out this giant evil conspiracy, thwarted the bad guys at every turn and even managed to outsmart a prehistoric predator, is now hiding out under covers for safety!
(Maisie runs in her room and hides under the blanket, whimpering)
NC: (waves off, grinning) It's one of the bugs of cloning. They can find ingenious escape routes along dangerous ledges, but think bedsheets are indestructible bomb shelters. (scoffs)
(The Indoraptor slowly approaches Maisie)
NC (vo): Honestly, it's almost as bad as our bug with cloning dinosaurs, where, even when they find their prey, they just slowly wave their fingers in front of them, rather than attack like every other instance.
NC: What I'm trying to say is, science is stupid.
(Owen comes in and shoots the Indoraptor, to no effect. The scene freezes, and the arrows appear pointing to the places of the room that NC describes)
NC (vo): But Owen comes in to shoot her, but it doesn't seem to work. So he A: goes to protect the kid, B: runs out the door behind him, C: grabs the kid and takes her with him through the door behind him, or D: (The image of a confused man is shown) leans up against the wall like a seven-year-old who's dumb enough to hide under bed covers?
(Unfortunately, it's D, as Owen does exactly that)
NC: Yeah, I'm convinced this whole thing is a big-budget Johnny Karate episode. (The screenshot from this season 7 episode of Parks and Recreation is shown)
(Blue appears and attacks the Indoraptor. Owen and Claire run off to the window)
NC (vo): But Blue comes in to save the day, so now they can go out the door...or the window. Yeah, that's, um...okay.
(Maisie and Owen climb to the roof by walking on the cornice)
Maisie: Follow me. I know a way on the outside.
NC (vo; as Maisie): It's not as safe as the bedsheets, but it'll have to do!
(Against all odds, Claire manages to climb as well and clings the piece of metal to get the Indoraptor's attention. This makes a perfect moment for Blue to jump at the Indoraptor, and they fall through the glass roof)
NC (vo): Claire somehow climbs the window, despite having a busted leg a second ago, and distracts the soon-to-be-forgotten-saurus long enough for Owen's true love to take her down.
(The Indoraptor is impaled by a Triceratops skull in the hall and is killed)
NC (vo; as Blue): What's the matter? Feeling blue?
NC: (as Blue, with the following appearing below) Oh, you just got Blued! Ooohhh!
(A hydrogen cyanide gas leak threatens the caged dinosaurs. Claire sees a red button to open outer doors on the console behind the glass. She opens it)
NC (vo): But it looks like a toxic gas is going to kill off what's left of the dinosaurs, unless they free them with that giant red cartoony button.
NC: Wow, the designers really took...opening a door very seriously.
(Claire closes the glass, and she and Owen watch at the dying creatures)
NC (vo): But they decide not to, as in one of the few adult moments of the movie, they realize their love for animals is not worth the countless loss of human life, the mixing of two worlds won't- (Suddenly, Maisie appears and pushes the button) Psyche! The world is doomed!
Maisie: I had to.
NC: So, just close the door. Oh, you only have a big red button to open the door, not a big red button to close the door! If only there was a big red button for the big red button! Who designed this?!