June 17th, 2014
We start our review in the Nostalgia Critic's room as he rests his head on his hand before he turns to Rob. He's a dinosaur.
Dino Rob: Critic!
NC wakes up to a snap, startling Rob and making him drop his magazine.
Rob: Dah! What the hell?
NC: (rubbing his head) Sorry, I just had a nightmeme.
Rob: A what?
NC: A nightmeme. Something you swear you're never gonna do again, but then it works its way into your subconscious so it keeps popping up.
Rob: Don't you mean nightmare?
NC: (sigh) No. (He looks at the desk where we get a dramatic zoom-in on the Jurassic Park 3 DVD.) That's yet to come.
(Cue opening before fading to NC at his desk.)
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Once upon a time, there was an awesome movie called Jurassic Park. (cut to clip of the T-Rex breaking out of the enclosure) Then it gave birth to a shitty sequel called The Lost World. (cut to clip of the T-Rex ramming the bus) And then that gave birth to the lost cause: Jurassic Park 3.
(The movie's title screen is shown before clips from the movie play.)
NC (vo): This is the one that many people consider to be the absolute worst of the series, but is it really the worst? I mean, don't get me wrong. It's a bad movie. It's a complete waste of time. But, in a strange way, it kind of knows it's a waste of time, so it doesn't even try to be anything big and massive like its predecessors. On the one hand, it's kind of refreshing, as it's only an hour and a half long instead of two and a half hours, and most of the time is focused on the dinosaur chases and not annoying characters.
Amanda Kirby: (through a bullhorn) BEN!
NC (vo): Well, I said "most." But does that mean the movie should be hated more or less? It's kind of like (shows drawings of) punishing a child for doing nothing wrong, but the punishment is so ridiculously lenient, that it's obvious the child isn't going to learn his lesson. (back to clips from Jurassic Park 3) What's more tragic? The child wrongfully being punished or the parent not giving a crap if the punishment's effective?
NC: Let's finish off this "trilogy" 60 million years in the sucking. This is Jurassic Park 3.
NC (vo): It begins with a kid paragliding with some tour guides along the island from the second film that's apparently restricted. And in case that wasn't clear for all the kindergartners this movie was made for, they write it in big cartoon letters to clarify.
Subtitles read "ISLA SORNA - 207 Miles West of Costa Rica" before changing to "RESTRICTED" in big red letters.
NC (vo): Thank you. Why don't you just spell it out a little bit more in case we're too fucking stupid to follow?
(The same subtitles from before are shown before more subtitles are added on top of "RESTRICTED": "THAT MEANS BAD" in yellow letters, "REALLY BAD" in bright red letters, and "LIKE FROWNY FACE BAD!!!" in huge green letters before a "frowny face" graphic is shown.)
NC (vo): So... yeah, the movie's pretty much emphasizing it had to be a goddamn idiot to go here, so we see some goddamn idiots who decide to go here.
Ben Hildebrand (Mark E. Harelik): Make sure you get as close as you can!
Enrique Cardoso (Julio Oscar Mechoso): But not too close, eh? You don't want to be eaten!
NC (vo): I mean, come on! They KNOW they're taking a kid into a restricted area filled with fucking dinosaurs! What could possibly go--
Disaster strikes, and it ends with Ben and Eric parachuting towards the island.
NC (vo): Yeah; after the dinosaurs eat the boat, the kid and the other guy, obviously there just to get eaten, cut loose and get blown onto the island. This leads us to Dr. Grant, a man who says he has no interest in returning to Jurassic Park unless he's paid a shit ton of money. He's played by Sam Neill, a man who says he has no interest in returning to Jurassic Park unless he's paid a shit ton of money.
NC: Hey, can't fault good casting.
We see several scenes of Dr. Grant meeting Ellie Sattler, who is now married to a man named Mark and has two children.
Dr. Ellie Sattler: My editor thinks he's a paleontologist. That's good. Hey, Mark!
NC (vo): We see what absolutely nobody wanted to see: Dr. Grant and Dr. Sattler completely split up as she decided to have a family with someone else. Oh, yeah...you nailed that one, movie. That's exactly what everybody was hoping was going to happen by the end of the first film! Just like (shows picture of Tommy Lee Jones and Will Smith in Men in Black II) Tommy Lee Jones splitting up with his wife in Men in Black II, (shows picture of Buster, Mighty Mack, and Elwood in Blues Brothers 2000) or the orphanage being shut down in Blues Brothers 2000, or (shows scrolling picture of...) all the supporting characters being killed in Alien 3! (back to Jurassic Park 3) You made one of the most likeable elements in the previous film mean completely nothing. (scoffs) Why don't you just write a big sign at the ending of the first movie saying: (subtitles are displayed as NC speaks in booming voice) "You Don't Like This! You Don't Want to See This Go Anywhere! Do Not Focus on the Heartwarming Moment We're Intentionally Focusing On!"
(Clip from The Blues Brothers is shown.)
(Back to Jurassic Park 3.)
Dr. Ellie Sattler: So, you know, Mark's been working with the state department now.
Dr. Alan Grant: Yeah, what do you do, Mark?
NC (vo, as Dr. Grant): Yes, what do you do aside from pumping out children from my baby-obsessed former girlfriend?
Dr. Ellie Sattler: So what are you working on now?
Dr. Alan Grant: Raptors, mostly.
Dr. Ellie Sattler: My favorite.
NC (vo): Even stranger thing is, they still have chemistry! When they talk, I want to see them together; I want to see them figure out dinosaur shit!
Dr. Alan Grant: We found what looks like a very sophisticated resonating chamber.
Dr. Ellie Sattler: Wait a second. So we were right. I mean, they had the ability to vocalize.
We see Grant on an digging expedition with his partner, Billy Brennan.
NC (vo): But nope, his girlfriend in this movie is replaced by this guy: Billy, played by (shows picture of Alessandro Nivola as) Castor Troy's brother from Face/Off. And this time, instead of focusing on swapping faces, he's focusing on swapping raptor voices, as--(scoffs) get this--they recreate a raptor's vocal chamber, so they can flawlessly recreate a raptor's call.
Billy Brennan: Listen to this. (blows on Raptor chamber twice)
NC (vo): Yeah, I'm sure that's how it works.
NC: Hey, look! I have the vocal chambers of Keanu Reeves! (blows three times as the following phrases below are heard)
Keanu Reeves chamber: Whoa! Bogus! Somebody put me in a good movie!
(NC imitates playing guitar as a riff from the Bill & Ted movies is heard.)
NC (vo): But it comes too late, as Dr. Grant has to go from fundraiser to fundraiser to try and raise money to continue his digging work.
(Dr. Grant is shown speaking at one of the fundraisers.)
Symposium Leader: Does anyone have a question? (a few people in the audience raise their hands)
Dr. Grant: Does anyone have a question that does not relate to Jurassic Park? (the same few people put their hands down)
NC (vo): Hey, it's like the real Sam Neill at a comic convention.
Paleontology Student 1: Isn't all this conjecture kind of moot? Once the U.N. and Costa Rica and everyone decides how to handle that second island...
Dr. Grant: What John Hammond did at Jurassic Park is create genetically engineered theme park monsters.
Paleontology Student 2: You wouldn't want to get on to Isla Sorna and study them if you had the chance?
Dr. Grant: No force on Earth or Heaven...could get me on that island.
NC (vo): That's right! No force on Heaven or Earth could possibly get him on that island...except for the exact same thing that got him there in the first one.
(Grant meets a man named Paul Kirby.)
Paul Kirby: I could write all kinds of numbers on this check, Dr. Grant. (cha-ching!)
NC (vo): This expedition is run by Paul Pussy and Amanda Pussy, played by William H. Macy and Téa Leoni, who tell Dr. Grant they want to explore Isla Sequel on a plane for their anniversary. And because this movie is just eager to get itself over with, he blindly agrees...but he can't help but feel something terrible lies in the future.
Dr. Alan Grant looks at the cockpit of the plane and sees nobody operating it. He gets scared as he looks to see a Velociraptor on the other side of the plane.
Billy (wakes Dr. Grant up): Alan!
NC (vo): And that was our first big scare, everybody...a prehistoric version of The Muppet Show!
(Dr. Grant is woken up by Billy.)
NC (vo): FUCKING FAIL! I'm sorry. I don't care at what strategic point you put it or in what area you have it pop out. There is no way a dinosaur saying...
NC (vo): ...is ever going to be scary.
(Suddenly, a Raptor pops up to the left of NC's desk.)
NC: No, I told you, it's not gonna work!
(The Raptor backs off but then appears on the right of NC's desk.)
NC: No, I told you, it's not happening!
(The Raptor backs off again but then appears back on the left of NC's desk.)
NC (annoyed): That's it, I'm outta here! (leaves desk)
(Just as he opens the door to leave, the Raptor pops out of that door.)
NC (more annoyed): WILL YOU PISS OFF?
(He walks to another door, only to see Tamara.)
Tamara: Hey, Critic, I've got this pain in my stomach; could you check it out?
NC: Yeah, sure.
(Tamara lifts up her shirt, only for--surprise--that same annoying Raptor to pop out through her stomach.)
NC (angry): DAMN IT! WILL YOU GET LOST? (pushes Tamara on her way)
(NC then notices a fly buzzing around him. He smacks it after it lands on the back of his neck, only to take a glance at it to see... it has a Raptor's head.)
(NC throws the fly away before his cellphone rings. He picks up and answers.)
Doctor (voiced by Malcolm): Hello, is this Nostalgia Critic?
Doctor: This is the St. Joseph Hospital. I regret to inform you that your mother has just passed away.
(At this point, soft dramatic piano music is heard.)
NC (stunned): Wh-- what?
Doctor: Yes. She died last night peacefully in her sleep.
NC (still stunned): My God, I-- I didn't even know she was sick!
Doctor: She wanted to keep it from you. She knew how busy you were and didn't want to interrupt your work.
NC (sighs in disbelief): I-- Sweet Jesus!
Doctor: She fought hard. She put up a good fight. But in the end, there's something nothing we can do. I'm sorry, son.
NC: Wha-- Did she leave any final words?
Doctor: As a matter of fact, she did.
NC: What were they?
Doctor: It was one single solitary word.
NC: Wh--what was it? Please!
Doctor: All right. Are you listening?
Doctor: Are you listening?
Doctor: Are you listening?
Doctor: Are you listening?
Doctor: All right. Here is her final word.
(Piano music ends, only for NC to jerk his cellphone back from his ear when he sees the Raptor pop out of it.)
NC: (throws down his phone in anger) I HATE THIS SCARE!!! (breathes heavily)
- Doug Walker's mother passed away in 2016
(Back to the movie as the plane is flying over Isla Sorna.)
Dr. Alan Grant: My God, I'd forgotten.
NC (vo, as plane announcer): And if you look down below, you'll see the leftover animation from The Land Before Time 6. Oh, I mean--Don't they look real? Wow!
M.B. Nash (Bruce A. Young): We have a landing strip up ahead; you want me to put it down?
Dr. Alan Grant: What do you mean, set it down? We can't land here!
Paul Kirby: Hold on, hold on--
NC (vo): However, when they look for a place to land, Dr. Grant urges them not to, but gets knocked out. When he wakes up, he finds out that the whole point of this journey wasn't to just go sightseeing, but to bring back their son who got lost while paragliding. They also have little to no money, are currently divorced, and really enjoy annoyingly shouting their son's name.
(Various clips of Paul and Amanda Kirby shouting their son's name, Eric, are shown.)
NC (vo): Do you think this island is (shows clip of...) the police office from Home Alone? (back to Jurassic Park 3) I don't think you can just randomly find someone by SHOUTING ACROSS THE ROOM!
Dr. Alan Grant (as Amanda Kirby is shouting Eric's name through a bullhorn): Will you tell your wife to stop making that noise? That is a very, very bad idea!
Paul Kirby: Dr. Grant says that's a bad idea!
Amanda Kirby: (through a bullhorn) What's a bad idea?!
A loud dinosaur growl is heard.
Paul Kirby: What was that?
NC: George of the Jungle--What do you think?
(A Spinosaurus appears and kills Cooper (John Diehl) with its jaws while the plane takes off. Blood is seen splattering on its windows.)
NC (vo): So as our team is CLEARLY wondering why the hell they didn't bring a helicopter, seeing how they don't need a runway, the plane is knocked over by something obviously hungry for extras.
(The Spinosaurus grabs hold of one of M.B. Nash's legs with its jaws while Nash is still hanging on.)
NC (vo, as M.B. Nash): Oh, please, let this be one of those monster movies where the black guy doesn't get-- (Nash is dragged out of the plane by the Spinosaurus and dropped to the ground) GODDAMN IT! (Nash is stepped on by the Spinosaurus and is killed. The Spinosaurus roars.)
NC: It's okay. Just use the bullhorn to call the police.
(The Spinosaurus is still devouring the plane as Dr. Grant gets the other people out.)
Dr. Alan Grant: Follow me!
NC (vo, as the Spinosaurus): All right, you guys go ahead; I'm gonna keep looking for you in here. (the Spinosaurus turns around) Oh, hey, I see what you did there!
(Dr. Grant and the others run for their lives as the Spinosaurus eats its way through the forest.)
NC (vo): But sure enough, who makes another appearance?
(You guessed it. I'M A MOTHERFUCKING T-REX!)
(A Tyrannosaurus Rex appears in front of Dr. Grant and the others who run as he roars.)
NC: (excited) YEAH!!! FUCK YEAH!!!
NC (vo): GO IN THERE AND TEACH THAT SQUIGGLY-JAWED BITCH!
(I'M A MOTHERFUCKING T-REX!)
(The Tyrannosaurus Rex appears in front of the Spinosaurus before they start to battle.)
NC: YEAH!!! YEAH!!!
(The battle continues.)
NC: (raising his fists in excitement) YEAH, YEAH!!!
(The Spinosaurus grabs a hold of the Tyrannosaur's neck, before snapping it and killing him. Dino damage!)
"I'm the Motherfucking T-Rex" Singer: I'M THE MOTHERFUCKING-- (song stops) OH, SHIT!!!
(The Tyrannosaurus Rex collapses, dead, as Dr. Grant and the others continue running.)
NC: (surprised) ...Huh?
(The Spinosaurus lets out a loud, victorious roar.)
NC: (drops his fists in disbelief and shock) ...No. No-no-no. No-no-no-no-no-no-no. That didn't just happen. That didn't just happen! That was the motherfucking T-Rex! Nobody outdoes the motherfucking T-Rex!
NC (vo): Who's this bitch that thinks she's the motherfucking T-Rex? She's not the motherfucking T-Rex!
NC: In the poster for...
(He shows fake poster for...)
NC (vo): Transformers IV: The Sploodging of the Dong, that's not a dinosaur (shows picture of the Spinosaurus on the left) that looks like (shows footage on the right of...) Daffy Duck's beak after he got shot, it's THE MOTHERFUCKING T-REX!
NC: It's like killing off Batman and replacing him with "Super-Duper-Better-Man!" No, no, no, there's just some things you do not fuck around with!
NC (vo): It's like taking a kid's favorite toy and being like...
Tamara, as a young girl, is seen playing with her Dora the Explorer doll. Her father (who would be later known as Creepy Dad), played by Doug, appears behind her.
Doug: Hey, there, kiddo. You like your Dora the Explorer doll?
Tamara: (giggles) Sure do!
Doug: Well, what would you think if I got you a brand new Barbie doll? (Brings out a Barbie doll)
Tamara: Uh, oh, that's okay; I love Dora!
Doug: (beat) No, you love Barbie.
Tamara: Um, I'm pretty sure I love Dora.
(Doug uses the Barbie doll to slap the Dora doll out of Tamara's hand.)
Doug: Oh, look at that! Barbie killed Dora! Now you have to love Barbie!
Tamara: (saddened) Poor Dora!
Doug: You don't care nothing for her, you instead love your Barbie doll!
Tamara: I don't want to!
Doug: (forcefully grabs Tamara) YOU WILL LOVE HER!!!
Tamara: (crying) Daddy, no!
(Doug screams as he continues shaking Tamara in anger and shaking the Barbie doll in front of her face. We then abruptly cut to a quiet NC, who is completely surprised.)
NC: Wow... I was in a dark place when I wrote that. BUT WHAT DO YOU EXPECT?
NC (vo): Can you really fucking blame me after seeing the motherfucking T-Rex be--uh--
NC: (in disbelief) I... (slaps desk) I... I need a break. Here's a donation site to give money to the greatest dinosaur who ever existed.
A screenshot of Earl and Fran Sinclair from the Dinosaurs television series is shown on the bottom right corner with accompanying text reading "Donate to the Family of the Mother Fucking T-Rex" in yellow letters and "BlowMeT-RexKillers.com" in white letters below.
NC: (whimpering as he sadly leaves his desk) That was a motherfucking T-Rex!
We come back from commercial break.
NC (vo): So after the T-Rex is killed by the "who cares"-asaurus (Spinosaurus), Dr. Grant lets out his frustration on Mr. and Mrs. Pussy.
(Paul Kirby is pushed towards a wall of leaves before Amanda intervenes.)
Amanda Kirby: N--no-no-no, please. Please, don't. Stop, please.
NC (vo): And as is typical with every Téa Leoni performance, Willy Wonka feigning interest still comes off as more convincing.
Amanda Kirby: Please, please, don't. Stop, please.
(Clip from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is shown.)
Willy Wonka: Stop. Don't. Come back.
Back to Jurassic Park 3.
NC (vo): The whole movie, she's like a robot who's trying to figure out this human thing called emotion.
Amanda Kirby: (various scenes) Because we have permission to fly low. / You're not gonna look for Dr. Grant? / You drive five miles under the speed limit, Paul. / I shot this the morning they disappeared. / If he'd been with you, he'd be completely safe. / We even have two seats reserved on the first commercial flight to the moon.
(Clip from an episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation is shown.)
Data: I find it extremely difficult to predict what you will find acceptable. Perhaps hunger will compel you to try it again.
(Back to Jurassic Park 3.)
NC (vo): It also doesn't help that she breathes through her mouth more than Kristen Stewart does. Look at this scene! She doesn't say a line, convey an emotion, or anything! It just holds on her, fucking leaving her mouth open! It's really kinda baffling!
Paul Kirby: Something they can see from the air.
NC (vo, as Amanda Kirby): Duuuuuuuhhhhhh... (normal voice) By a pretty big fucking amount of luck, they find the kid's parachute as well as Ben, the guy who was paragliding with him. Or, at least what's left of him.
(After Ben Hildebrand's corpse falls in front of Amanda Kirby, she screams while flailing around with it. NC is seen groaning while covering his ears from her screams. Cut back to the movie where Amanda is still screaming while trying to get Ben's corpse off of her.)
NC: You know, I didn't think it was possible to out-Capshaw Kate Capshaw, (shows clip of Willie Scott from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom) but, lady...
NC (vo): ...you are seriously cutting off the nuts of my patience!
Mr. Udesky: (after helping Amanda untangle herself from Ben's corpse) Okay, okay, you're free.
NC (vo, as Amanda Kirby): I'm gonna go star in an Adam Sandler movie to make his acting look good!
Dr. Alan Grant: Get her back, Mr. Kirby!
Paul Kirby: (goes after Amanda) Amanda!
NC (vo): But they come across not the safest of environments.
(Cut to a shot of raptor eggs in a nest.)
Dr. Alan Grant: Raptor.
(Cut to clip from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.)
Indiana Jones: I hate these guys.
(Back to Jurassic Park 3.)
NC (vo): Things don't get any better when they come across a research lab where the worst kind of raptor is waiting: the Mohawk Raptor!
(The "Mohawk Raptor," actually a Velociraptor, appears and attempts to attack Amanda.)
NC (vo, as Mohawk Raptor): Dude, I just wanna be the drummer for Blink-182!
One of the Raptors in a cage starts making noise.
Dr. Alan Grant: My God. It's calling for help.
NC (vo, as Dr. Grant): I'm intrigued by this thing I said I'd never be intrigued by in the opening!
(Dr. Grant and the others flee from the research lab as one of the Raptors escape.)
NC (vo): So the Raptors let out the call of... (one of the escaped Raptors let out cough-like calls) Darth Vader with mucus buildup... (a picture of Darth Vader coughing is shown as the same cough-like Raptor calls are heard again) ...as everyone gets to safety except Grant.
(Dr. Grant is surrounded by a herd of Raptors until a smoke bomb is thrown. NC and Tamara are heard imitating those Raptors.)
NC (vo, as Raptor #1): Oh, no! Maybe we should've actually eaten him instead of looking at him for a couple seconds!
Tamara (vo, as Raptor #2): I just wanted another one to say "clever girl"!
NC (vo, as Raptor #1): Julie!
Tamara (vo, as Raptor #2): I'm sorry! It was just so cool when he said it! I just wanted to hear somebody out-say it again!
NC (vo, as Raptor #1): You are so insecure, Julie!
Tamara (vo, as Raptor #2): SHUT UP!
NC (vo, as Raptor #1): YOU SHUT UP!
Dr. Alan Grant is coughing violently from the smoke and passes out. A shadowy figure who also is coughing hard takes his body into safety.
NC (vo): Thank God Princess Mononoke comes in to save the day, which turns out to be Eric von Plot Point!
Eric Kirby (Trevor Morgan): When InGen cleared out, they left a lot of stuff behind.
Dr. Alan Grant: Any weapons?
Eric Kirby: No, and I just used the last of the gas grenades.
Dr. Alan Grant: Eric, I have to tell you, I'm astonished that you've lasted eight weeks on this island.
Eric Kirby: (surprised) Is that all it's been?
NC: Okay, I'm all for strong kid characters contributing more to a story aside from being a helpless waif, but-- EIGHT WEEKS...
NC (vo): ...ON HIS FUCKING OWN, ON A GODDAMN ISLAND FILLED WITH DINOSAURS?!?
Dr. Alan Grant: Is this T-Rex pee? (Eric is seen eating chocolate) How'd you get it?
Eric Kirby: You don't want to know.
NC (vo): Why the hell do we even need to rescue this kid?
NC: We could just drop a bunch of...
(He shows pictures on left of screen of...)
NC (vo): ...paperclips and a balloon and he'd (shows doctored picture of Eric Kirby on an Army raft) have an Army-styled raft in a millisecond! They shouldn't be saving that kid; he should be saving THEM!
Dr. Alan Grant: Did you read Malcolm's book?
Eric Kirby: It was kinda preachy...and too much chaos; everything is chaos. It seemed like the guy was kinda high on himself.
NC: That, and he included all his um's. (a white page, titled "Chapter um 1" and mostly filled with um's, is displayed) Who does that?
NC (vo): But when looking for one another, they hear a phone ring and conclude they must be the other group.
(The Kirbys run to their son Eric, who is on the other side, and hug him.)
Paul Kirby: I knew it! My God!
NC (vo): However, strangely enough, neither of them seem to have the phone.
Paul Kirby: I don't have it. I loaned it to Nash. He must've had it when he...
The Kirbys, Dr. Grant, and Billy hear Nash's phone ringing in the distance. It is then revealed to be inside the Spinosaurus.
NC (vo, as the Spinosaurus): You have a voicemail.
Dr. Alan Grant: Run.
(Sure enough, Grant and the others do run.)
NC (vo): Boy, strange how they could hear the ring of a tiny phone and yet the giant clomping sounds of a monster even bigger than the T-Rex who shook the ground whenever she walked, for some reason, didn't catch their ears!
(The Spinosaurus breaks through the fence before Dr. Grant, the Kirbys, and Billy hide into a small building. They are seen closing the door and locking it before the Spinosaurus is heard trying to break through it.)
NC (vo): Yes, obviously if she could crash through a giant spike-filled gate, SURELY a small steel door would be too much for her! I'm sure she shares the same pain as the aliens from Signs. (a picture of one of the Signs aliens is shown, with a sign behind it reading "Beware Doors") But we do discover why the Raptors have been pursuing them as long as they were. Billy, a fucking expert on dinosaurs, thought stealing a few eggs wouldn't piss them off at all.
Billy Brennan: I took them on an impulse. I thought they'd be worth a fortune, enough to fund the dig site another ten more years. But I did it with the best intentions.
Dr. Alan Grant: Some of the worst things imaginable have been done with the best intentions.
NC: Just look at every Academy Award show.
NC (vo): So he decides there's only one thing to do with the eggs.
(Dr. Grant prepares to drop the eggs out the window, but hesitates. Clip from Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring is shown.)
Elrond: DESTROY IT!
(Back to Jurassic Park 3 as Dr. Grant brings the eggs back inside the building.)
Paul Kirby: What if they catch us with them?
Dr. Alan Grant: What if they catch us without them?
NC (vo, as Paul Kirby): I thought we agreed we do not negotiate with raptors!
(Cut to the group inside a Pteranodon cage.)
NC (vo): So Indiana Schmo tries to lead them out safely, but guess what the fuck they come across? More dinosaurs!
(Eric screams and tries to run away from a Pteranodon, but it grabs Eric, carrying him off.)
NC: Ah, God, Pterri's never been the same since they canceled Pee-Wee's Playhouse.
Pteranodon (in voice of Pterri from Pee-Wee's Playhouse): Will you come outside and play with me? Will you go outside and play with me now?
(A Pteranodon carries a screaming Eric past its young ones before dropping him on the ground in front of them.)
NC (vo): Huh. I guess the mother wants the kids to work for their food? I know whenever I feed a baby, I put the food at least (shows picture of a baby in the kitchen with various foods on one side) five feet away from it! Lazy bastards should work for their own damn grub!
(Billy Brennan jumps from the bridge before Dr. Grant can stop him.)
Dr. Alan Grant: BILLY!
(Billy then opens his parachute and floats.)
NC (vo): Of course, he manages to pack the parachute PERFECTLY despite it being ripped up by a tree, and manages to save the kid.
(Eric falls into the water as does Billy after unhooking his parachute, only to be carried out of the water by a Pteranodon. Clips from an episode of Pee-Wee's Playhouse are shown.)
Pee-Wee Herman: Pterri, I told you not to play "Acapulco Cliff Diver" in the Playhouse!
(Back to Jurassic Park 3 as the Pteranodon drops Billy back into the water before we go back to Pee-Wee's Playhouse again.)
Pee-Wee Herman: Pterri, what's the matter with you? That's the fish's water!
(Back to Jurassic Park 3 as Billy is attacked by the Pteranodon.)
Billy Brennan: GET AWAY!
NC (vo): But sadly, it seems like he's not able to save himself.
(Two Pteranodons continue attacking Billy as he drifts off into the river. Clip from Face/Off is shown in between.)
Pollux Troy: Bye, bro.
NC (vo): Despite the loss of their wingman, (rimshot) they still manage to throw in a few seconds of--oh, yeah--"dinosaurs are magical" and shit.
(The boat reaches a valley of dinosaurs: Ankylosaurs, Parasaurolophus, Stegosaurs, and Brachiosaurs.)
NC (vo): And I mean, literally, a few seconds. Thirty-seven, to be exact.
(Clip from Clerks is shown.)
Dante Hicks: THIRTY-SEVEN?!?
(Back to Jurassic Park 3.)
NC (vo): Yeah, thirty-seven. This whole movie is like a (shows on top-right corner a drawing of...) "Jurassic Park Paint By Numbers." There's no flow or segue, it's just hitting the points you know you need to hit. Hit the buildup, hit the big dino moment, hit the little dino moment, hit the "ooh-ahh" moment. Except in that "ooh" and "ahh" moment, not only is it incredibly short, but the dinosaurs aren't even that whimsical-looking! They look creepy as fucking shit! They look like (shows on top-left a Kool-Aid packet of...) Purplesaurus crossed with (shows on top-right a picture of...) that new faceless Joker. This isn't charming; it's scary as hell!
(One of the Brachiosaurs gets closer to the camera and growls, making NC shudder with fear. Cut to the Dr. Grant and the Kirbys finding Nash's phone in a pile of dino-shit. A Ceratosaurus approaches the group.)
NC (vo): Well, thankfully, they come across one of the intentionally scary ones, though. This ought to get a few thrills at least.
(Ceratosaurus smells our heroes, but is repulsed by their stench, turning and leaving.)
NC (vo): Okay, I think I've figured out the problem here. All the dinosaurs that are supposed to be really threatening are either laughably useless or distractedly cute, and all the dinosaurs that are supposed to be harmless are terrifyingly frightening or horrendously hideous. I think someone in the design department got a few notes backwards!
(Cut back to the group in the boat during a thunderstorm. The Spinosaurus' fin sticks out of the river as she swims toward the boat.)
NC (vo): Oh, it's time to paint number "Obligatory Rain Scene with Monster in it", as Flintstone-asaurus attacks yet again.
(Spinosaurus bumps the boat, emerging out of the water, roaring.)
NC (vo): What is this dinosaur's deal with these guys?! It's not like there isn't bigger game to chase. Hell, the fucking T-Rex probably would've fed her for a month, so why does she keep going after them?! (Cut back to scene with the group running, with hands giving the finger placed over the people) Maybe to dinosaurs, all people look like running middle fingers to them. Hey, it makes about as much sense as any other reason.
(Cut back to the river scene, with Dr. Grant grabbing the ringing phone, as the cage the group is hiding in is pulled into the river.)
NC (vo): But Grant finally manages to get the cell phone to work. So, who does he call? The police? The army? The navy? (phone rings at Dr. Ellie Sattler's house, and her son answers) Okay...
Charlie Degler: Hello?
Dr. Alan Grant: Take the phone to Mommy, now!
NC (vo): Unfortunately, the kid gets distracted by the Irony Channel (Barney the Dinosaur), and they have to fight the dino off themselves.
Dr. Alan Grant: THE RIVER! SITE B!
(Dr. Grant gets cut off by the sinking cage.)
Dr. Ellie Sattler: HELLO?!
Charlie makes playful growling sounds.
NC: ...Well, to be fair, that was scarier than most of the other dinosaurs in this movie.
NC (vo): But they manage to swim their way out just in time to paint number “Action Breakup Dialogue”. Oh, it doesn't matter what it is they talk about. It can be anything. Really. Fucking anything. Just to make people think they’re not watching anything but mindless action when clearly that’s exactly what they’re doing. Come on. Just a solid minute of filler.
Paul Kirby: Remember when we went fishing a couple of summers ago? I was put in a boat in the water and the trailer sank. A tow truck tried to pull us out and they got dragged in, too. The truck driver wanted to knock my lights out. I miss fishing.
NC (vo): Or ten fucking seconds will apparently do, too. Wow! That must have been like a record, possibly the fastest pointless exchange ever in an action movie. But like I said, nobody cares about getting invested this time around. Just show us what toys you want us to buy and we’ll be good. (The raptor herd appears and confronts the group) Oh, here we go.
(The Raptor herd stares at the group without attacking them.)
NC (vo): Okay, these are built up as like the greatest hunters. Why do they always just look at them instead of attacking them and/or getting their eggs back? What, is this some kind of power trip for them?
(The scene replays, with NC and Malcolm imitating the raptors while speaking in gangster voices.)
NC (vo, as Raptor #1): Well, well! What have we got here, Squeaky?
Malcolm (vo, as Raptor #2): Looks like a couple of dweebos that don’t need their lunch money.
NC (vo, as Raptor #1): Ooh, I’d be ashamed if something was to happens to them.
Malcolm (vo, as Raptor #2): You said it, Squeaks.
(Both Raptors chuckle.)
NC (vo): But, of course, Grant manages to communicate with them via raptor bullshit. The translation might have gotten a little jumbled, though.
(Grant blows the horn to communicate with the raptors. The following conversation is revealed via subtitles.)
Dr. Alan Grant: My vagina is a cow. (The Raptors look at each other.) All hail Queen of Spam. The cheese is old and moldy. Where is the bathroom?
Raptor #1: Dude, the guy’s mom must have drank while she was pregnant!
Raptor #2: Leave them. I hear they give you tsunami shits.
(The Raptors leave, taking the eggs with them.)
NC (vo): They manage, of course, to get away and come across…
(The group rushes towards a beach, where a lone man is standing.)
NC: A scene from Lost?
(Army tanks and helicopters appear.)
NC (vo): ...as it turns out Sattler called the right people to save the day.
(Soldiers come out of the tanks.)
NC (vo, as a soldier): Thank God we dropped off that guy in the suit totally alone ahead of time or else you’d be less likely to commit that visual to memory.
NC: (confused) Okay, hold on.
NC (vo): So a scientist who’s not very rich or famous gets help to go after another scientist who’s not very rich or famous and gets the fucking Army. But when a little kid, who would obviously make headlines if he showed up dead is in trouble, what do we get?
Amanda Kirby: (yelling through the bullhorn) BEN!
NC: (brings out a bullhorn and speaks through it) Uh-- Bullshit! Bullshit!
(Grant sees that Billy is in one of the helicopters.)
NC (vo): Even Billy seems to have somehow made it out okay. I don’t know; the movie doesn’t care to explain it. Why should we care to hear it? Until it seems the adventure is not quite over.
Pilot: What the hell is that?
Eric Kirby: Dr. Grant, look! (A herd of Pterodactyls are flying in the sky.) Where do you think they’re going?
Dr. Alan Grant: I don’t know. Maybe just looking for new nesting grounds. It’s a whole new world for them.
Paul Kirby: (looking at Amanda) Let’s go home.
NC (vo): Except for the fact that it is over. What the flying fuck was the point of that? Oh, good. The things that tried to peck our dicks off are looking for a new nesting ground! Whoopity-fucking-do! Why is this worth mentioning? Hell, why are you even trying to make it look like a good thing?! Killer dinosaurs can take flight and are flying towards your homes! What’s with the whimsy music? This is horrifying news!
(The Pteranodons fly towards the clouds as the Jurassic Park theme plays.)
Pteranodon #1: (voiced by NC, imitating Fievel from An American Tail) Henri, is that America?
Pteranodon #2: (also voiced by NC, imitating Henri the pigeon) Yes, my dear Fievel. There is still so much America left to eat!
Pteranodon #1: Will we devour them all?
Pteranodon #2: Yes, Fievel! We will make their insides their outsides! Ho-ho-ho-ho!
(The movie ends.)
NC: And that’s Jurassic Park 3. Is it the worst of the series? Kind of, sort of... but it is mercifully short!
(Clips from the film and The Lost World play as NC gives his final thought.)
NC (vo): At only an hour and a half, the film plays more like a B-movie. Just bring in who you like, get him into action quickly, and then have them leave just as quickly. While The Lost World was technically a bigger film, it was so long and so heavy-handed with its message and bland characters that I remember it being more painful to sit through. Here, the movie kind of knows it has no reason to exist, so it just sort of comes and goes. It’s obvious less effort is put into it, so it’s kind of hard to get truly that angry with it. It comes off as less of an insult and more something that obviously is just pointless in its existence. I guess in the long run, it’s a personal preference which one is the worst. But, one thing is definitely sure…
(Clip from the first Jurassic Park movie is shown.)
Ian Malcolm: That is one big pile of shit.
NC: No. (grabs the DVD) That’s what I’m going to take on this MOVIE, because not only does it deserve it, but it would also make it at least a little bit more interesting! I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to!
(NC, still holding the DVD, goes to the bathroom and closes the door. From inside he unzips his pants, but then suddenly shrieks when he sees something in the bathroom.)
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