May 14, 2013
(Before we start, we're greeted to some messages about the movie.)
After 20 years, Jurassic Park was re-released on the big screen in 3D. Millions flooded to relive the groundbreaking film, including the Nostalgia Critic. There's no reason for this text, it's just to hear that awesome "boom" sound again. (one of those booms is played) Don't forget "wooo-wooooooo, woo-wooo." (the whistling sound is heard) Nice.
(Now we finally come to the opening.)
Nostalgia Critic: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Jurassic Fucking Park.
(Clips of the movie play.)
NC (vo): When this film came out, people went nuts. Not only did it have groundbreaking CGI effects, but it had action-packed suspense, a sense of awe and wonder, and just seemed gigantic. So when it was re-released in 3D recently, you bet your ass I got over to the theater to relive all those awesome memories.
NC: And how did it hold up? It was awesome! (after a beat...) But maybe not as awesome as I remem-- (Suddenly, Malcolm Ray, Rachel Tietz and most likely Rob Walker come in and pummel him in his chair) Stop it! Look, I'm not saying it's a bad movie, far from it. In fact, it's held up extraordinarily well.
NC (vo): I'm just saying that while we were so blown away by how huge it was, we might have overlooked some problems that we either didn't see or chose to ignore. I know something like (clips of) Jurassic Park 3 is worse, and trust me, we'll get to that train-wreck another time. But it's still an interesting journey looking back at something that was so groundbreaking and popular without the nostalgia goggles.
NC: So, let's take a look at an adventure 65 million years in the making, or... (looking up on his phone) three, this is Jurassic Park.
NC (vo): So we start out in Spielberg's favorite place to go in all of his movies: Spotlight Fetish Land. Yeah, I don't know if you noticed, but this guy is obsessed with shining spotlights in your face as much as humanly possible. Every frame feels like a whimsical police interrogation. (A cage is carried in by a forklift.) They try to transport one of the highly intelligent raptors via Portal Cube (a picture of the Companion Cube is shown) when, of course, something goes wrong.
Robert Muldoon (Bob Peck): (close-up on his lips) Shoot her! SHOOT HER!
NC: You know, was there really no other way to get these things into their cages?
NC (vo): Brute force doesn't do much compared to common sense. I mean, look at the forklift. (the cage is shown being lifted up higher) They could lift it just a little bit higher, then boom. drop it in. (the cage is dropped into the pen)
NC: Or tranquilizers. Why not tranquilizers?
(Doug, Rachel and Malcolm are carrying a sleeping raptor into the pen, throwing it in. Doug then presses a button to make the bars go down.)
NC (vo): Couldn't they just knock these things out and then slip them in that way?
NC: Or were the raptors too smart for that plan?
(Cut to Doug, Malcolm and Rachel with rifles.)
Doug: (as Muldoon) Shoot her! (Rachel shoots a tranquilizer dart at a Raptor, which ends up catching the dart and throwing it back at Rachel, knocking her out.) Run away in comedic fashion. (Doug and Malcolm run away screaming.)
NC (vo): So they lose one of the workers in the attack as we cut to the prettiest, mullet obsessed paleontologists to roam the earth. They're led by Dr. Grant, played by I-swear-I'm-not-a-New-Zealander Sam Neill.
Dr. Alan Grant: Look at the half-moon shape. (skip) Wanna have one of those? (skip) Flock of birds evading a predator.
NC (vo): And Dr. Sattler, his girlfri.... fian.... fuck buddy, played by Laura Dern, who seems to always suffer from terminal mumbling.
Dr. Ellie Sattler*: Imperfections in the skin? (skip) Hey, Alan, look at this. (skip) Unpredictability? (skip) John, they're out there.
- Some of those lines I couldn't understand...
NC: Did she eat an ice cream scoop of peanut butter before coming to the set?
Grant: Well, maybe dinosaurs had more in common with present day birds than they do with reptiles. Look at the vertebrae. Full of air sacs in the hollows, just like a bird. And even the word "raptor" means "bird of prey".
NC: Raptors were very aware of this when they were naming themselves.
Kid: That doesn't look very scary! More like a six-foot turkey.
Grant: Turkey, hm?
NC (vo): So he scares the little kid by showing him something he never thought he'd see in a hunt for dinosaur bones: a dinosaur bone! Aaaaahhh! (Said dinosaur bone is a Velociraptor claw.)
Grant: You wanna have one of those?
Ellie: I don't want that kid, but a breed of child, Dr. Grant, could be intriguing.
NC (vo): But their work is interrupted by John Hammond...
(Hammond is shown popping the cork on a bottle of wine.)
NC (vo): ...who offers to fund their dig further if they offer outside opinion on his new park due to the loss of the worker earlier.
John Hammond (Richard Attenborough): I mean, let's face it, in your particular field, you're the top minds.
NC: Yes! You have no idea how computers work (showing Grant smacking a computer), and you study ancient plant life (showing Ellie studying a leaf), clearly nobody would be more qualified.
Hammond: I like you. Both of you. I can tell instantly about people, it's a gift.
NC: Obviously, he took that into consideration when he hired this guy.
(Dennis Nedry is shown eating a meal at an outdoor cafe in Costa Rica.)
NC (vo): Dennis Nedry, played by Wayne Knight before his heart decided he wanted to live, who we see is betraying John Hammond by handing over the dinosaur embryos to...
NC: ...evil dinosaur makers, I guess...
NC (vo): ...in order to get more money. And you might notice one of the main problems with the first third of this movie. It focuses a great deal amount of time somehow hastily rushing a ton of exposition.
Lewis Dodgson (Cameron Thor): One delivery, $50,000 more for each viable embryo.
Donald Gennaro (Martin Ferrero): We are facing a $20 million lawsuit.
Hammond: This particular pebble in my shoe represents my investors.
Nedry: 7 o'clock tomorrow night on the east dock.
Gennaro: In 48 hours from now, if they're not convinced, I'm not convinced.
Hammond: It's just that they insist on outside opinion.
NC (vo): But it's alright. To account for that, they make the characters' motivations and story arcs disgustingly simple, even down to dressing them in Care Bear colors so you can easily remember which one is which. Which one's Grant? Oh, he's the one in blue. Which one's Hammond? Oh, he's the one in white. Which one's the a-hole everyone will fall in love with until they realize he's just gonna do that one note for the rest of his life until they want to dig their brains out with a fork because he's so goddamn irritating?
NC: That's the darkly dressed evil one known as Jeff Goldblum.
(Cut to a scene of Ian Malcolm laughing in the chopper.)
NC: (close-up of his lips like Muldoon) Shoot him! (Shots are fired at Ian, all of them having no effect.) SHOOT HIM!
NC (vo): Yeah, Goldblum, or the Wizard of Uhs as I like to call him, wasn't a complete unknown before this flick. But he became a household name after it became a hit, and people fell in love with his performance.
NC: And at the time, it was kind of charming. People never heard this kind of performance in a blockbuster film before.
Ian: We're gonna conduct an experiment. We should be still, the car's bouncing up and down, but that's okay.
NC (vo): But once we discovered that he fell in love with his performance even more than we fell in love with his performance to a point where he never wanted to leave that performance, we do end up asking ourselves how the fuck did we ever like this performance to begin with?
(Clips of Ian and various uhs, ums, and ahs before going back to laughing.)
NC: (he imitates the laugh before it's enough) SHUT UP!
Hammond: There it is.
(The helicopter flies toward the island as the main theme is heard.)
NC (vo, singing to the music): Good luck getting this theme song out of your head. It will be in your brain for weeks or till you're dead.
Gennaro: The 450 miles of perimeter fence are in place?
Hammond: And the concrete moats, and the motion sensor tracking systems. Donald, dear boy, relax.
NC: The only thing we don't have is security in case a storm comes or the power goes out, but we have (clip of Nedry at his desk) this guy for that. (back to desk) So we good, we good.
Hammond: Spared no expense.
Gennaro: I'll shut you down, John.
Hammond: In 48 hours, I'll be accepting your apologies.
(Grant and Sattler get a first look at a giant Brachiosaurus in the fields.)
Grant: (awestruck) It's...it's a dinosaur.
Hammond: Welcome to Jurassic Park.
(A wide shot of the dinosaurs is shown.)
Grant: They're moving in herds. They do move in herds.
NC: ...Really? That's the big tear-dropper line? Kind of random, isn't it? Is that kind of like looking out over the herd and saying... (NC looks off to the side awestruck like Grant as the music plays.) They eat their own shit. They do eat their own shit.
NC (vo): Hammond takes them to the Visitor's Center to show them how they're made. Apparently, it was done through the miracle of cloning, one of the many illegal processes I'm sure went into making this place a reality.
(In a theater, everyone watches a cartoon about the recreation of dinosaurs, hosted by Mr. DNA.)
Mr. DNA: A DNA strand, like me, is a blueprint for building a living thing. And sometimes...
NC (vo, as Steven Spielberg): Ohhh, spotlight fetish. I don't care if I'm the only director in the world who has it. I will make you a star!
Mr. DNA: A hundred million years ago, there were mosquitoes, just like today. After biting a dinosaur, the mosquito would land on the branch of a tree and get stuck in the sap. The tree sap would get hard and become fossilized, just like a dinosaur bone, preserving the mosquito inside.
NC (vo): Okay, even if you were to buy this half-assed science that even (picture of the ninja turtle) Donatello would call a little suspicious, what are the chances of finding tons of mosquitoes not only millions of years old, not only having bitten every popular dinosaur to be marketed, but also all happened to get stuck in tree sap? Did they all happen to be in the same nest during the Great Sapalanche of Gajillion BC? (more like 65 million BC)
Buzzy-Buzzy Squish-Squish (Doug): Well, it took all day, but I think we bit every popular, most marketable dinosaur known to man.
George (Malcolm): That's why I love binge drinking with you guys.
Buzzy-Buzzy Squish-Squish: Now let's rest our little tummies before we puke up whatever's left of them.
(Just as the two recline their seats on the couch, Rachel, identically dressed, runs in.)
Rachel: SAPALANCHE!! A sapalanche is coming to destroy the town!
Buzzy-Buzzy Squish-Squish: Go and get help.
George: Oh, come on, man!
Buzzy-Buzzy Squish-Squish: I can't move.
George: Come on, man.
(The two of them argue about getting up before Doug relents.)*
- I may need help transcribing that argument.
Buzzy-Buzzy Squish-Squish (Doug): Fine, fine, fine, I'll go get help! (Just as he gets his seat up, a wave of tree sap covers them.) I wonder if I'm a blood donor.
(After watching the film, the group goes to a laboratory to see a raptor hatching from its egg.)
NC (vo): We get to Whimsical Moment I'm-not-gonna-bother-counting as we see one of the baby dinosaurs being born.
(Grant is holding the baby in his hands.)
Grant: What species is this?
Dr. Henry Wu (BD Wong): It's a Velociraptor.
Grant: You bred Raptors?
NC (vo): Ah, so he can't identify the dinosaur from his trademark make-kid-wet-pants speech, even when he's holding the damn thing right in his motherfucking hands. Great job picking those top minds you were talking about there, Hammond.
Hammond: Spared no expense.
(Everyone has lunch in a projector room.)
NC (vo): This brings us to the projector room, where I'm sure Spielberg is projecting right now with how much his spotlight fetish is being fueled.
NC (vo, as Spielberg): Ohh, so backlit. Ooh, so illuminating! Ooh, I could hump the whiteout line that it makes on the side of their heads, ooohh!
Gennaro: We can charge anything we want. $2,000 a day, $10,000 a day, and people will pay it.
Hammond: This park was not built to cater only for the super rich. Everyone in the world has the right to enjoy these animals.
NC: Yeah, everyone should be able to fly their personal helicopters to their Hawaiian islands after getting storm insurance. We're looking after the little guy.
NC (vo): But Goldblum, uh, uh, is not happy.
Ian: You stood on the shoulders of geniuses, uh, to accomplish something as fast as you could. And before you even knew what you had, you-you patent it, and packaged it, and slapped it on a plastic lunchbox, and now, (hits the table twice) you're selling it. You're selling it.
NC: Wow, that was an excellent argument against (poster of) The Lost World. I mean, everything you said in there, pfft, I totally agree.
(The whole group is shown leaving the lunch room to go on the tour.)
Hammond: You four are gonna have a spot of company out in the park.
(Hammond's grandchildren come in.)
NC (vo): Oh, good, the appetizers arrived. Now we can start our tour with the latest and greatest in hi-tech ingenuity.
(Lex is shown looking at one of the computers inside the park vehicles.)
Lex: It's an interactive CD-ROM!
NC: Holy shit, it's packing CD-ROM! Oh, my God, tell me it doesn't have X-Wing! Tell me it doesn't have X-Wing! (A screenshot of X-Wing is added onto the monitor, making NC squeal in delight.)
Tour guide (Richard Kiley): The appropriate information will be automatically selected. Welcome to Jurassic Park.
(The gate to the park opens.)
Ian: What do they got in there? King Kong?
NC: Oh, come on, you could've worked three more "uhs" into that sentence. "What, uh, they, uh, got, uh, in, uh, there, uh, King, uh, Kong?"
NC (vo): But sadly, the tour doesn't seem to be going very well, as none of the dinosaurs show up to be seen.
(Neither the Dilophosaurus or the Tyrannosaurus are shown in their pens. Cut to a scene of One Froggy Evening with the guy dancing after failing to convince a man that the frog can sing and dance.)
NC (vo): But it's okay, because Goldblum uses his traditional pickup tricks that always seem to get him women at TGI Friday's.
Ian: Tiny variations, uh, the-the orientation of the hairs on your hand.
Ellie: Hey, Alan, look at this.
Ian: Uh, the blood distending the vessels and imperfections in the skin.
Ellie: Imperfections in the skin?
NC: My God, it's like the new NBC sitcom, Rambles & Mumbles.
(Cue sitcom music.)
Announcer: One's a horny chaotician, the other's a giggling plant expert who doesn't want to get married but surprisingly wants kids for some reason. Together, they make the greatest couple nobody can understand or want to listen to since Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker. (Insert sounds of mumbling and rambling. A graphic for Rambles & Mumbles is shown.) Rambles and Mumbles. Coming soon to NBC. (Suddenly, the caption "CANCELLED" is stamped on the graphic.) Wow, that was fast.
NC (vo): They get out of the car and stumble across a sick Triceratops, but Sattler is determined to figure out what's causing the sickness. (The cause, of course, being West Indian Lilac. Deadly and poisonous. And not good eating.) Now in reality, this scene serves no purpose to the plot apart from separating Sattler from the group.
NC: And let's be honest, it only exists so kids can giggle when he says this line.
(Ian's looking over a mound of Triceratops...droppings.)
Ian: That is one big pile of shit.
NC: Your career in a nutshell.
NC (vo): But Nedry has to hurry with those embryos or else the obvious video that everyone in the audience said was an obvious video (an arrow is shown pointing at the timer bar under the video)--seriously, you couldn't crop that shot just a notch?--says the storm is coming and that the ship has to leave with everyone on it.
(The camera pans over to Nedry where a light is shining.)
NC (vo, as Spielberg): Ohh, look how lens flare-y it is. Oh, yeah!
NC (vo): So he says the power's gonna go in and out, thinking he can make it back in time before anybody notices, but he gets lost, resulting in all the power shutting down and the cars getting stuck in the worst place possible.
(Loud thuds are heard, each one making the water in the glasses ripple.)
NC (vo): And this leads to easily the best character in the whole movie. The absolute star of the whole goddamn thing.
(I'M A MOTHERFUCKING T-REX! The Tyrannosaurus stomps out of its pen.)
NC: IT'S A MOTHERFUCKING T-REEEEEXXX!
(The Tyrannosaurus roars.)
NC (vo): This badass mother owns it. This scene is about as perfectly paced and perfectly suspenseful as a scene can get.
(I'M A MOTHERFUCKING T-REX!)
NC (vo): I think everything about her can be summed up in that one awesome roar.
(Another roar is heard, which makes NC excited.)
NC: Ohh, God! I bet if you translated that roar, every single one would declare her ability of just owning this goddamn movie.
(The Tyrannosaurus steps out of the pen. Every time it roars, a caption written in capital letters is shown to "translate" the roars.)
Tyrannosaur: I AM AWESOME!
Ian: Boy, I hate being right all the time.
Tyrannosaur: I AM OLDER THAN JESUS!
NC (vo): But things get real when Bulgy Eyes (Lex) and Young Ferris Bueller (Tim) are being attacked.
Tyrannosaur: CHUCK NORRIS IS MY BUTT PLUG!
(Suddenly, the Tyrannosaurus bursts through the roof of the van Tim and Lex are in, the two trying to keep it from eating them.)
Tyrannosaur: I WIPE MY ASS WITH YOUR ASS! TANKS ARE MY CRUNCHBERRIES!
(Ian wipes a spot clean on the windshield.)
NC (vo): (as Ian) Hehe, little comedy from me, the Goldblum.
(The Tyrannosaurus flips the van the kids are in over.)
Tyrannosaur: I SHIT ZOMBIES!
(The Tyrannosaurus is pressing down on the car with the kids inside. Grant runs out with a flare.)
Tyrannosaur: MY OVARIES ARE CHAINSAWS!
(Grant throws the flare away for the Tyrannosaurus to chase, until Ian gets the same idea.)
Ian: Hey, hey!
(Now the Tyrannosaurus chases him.)
Tyrannosaur: I BLEED NIGHTMARES!
Grant: Get rid of the flare!
Ian: Get the kids!
(The bathroom shack Gennaro's in is soon trashed by the Tyrannosaurus.)
Tyrannosaur: MY VAGINA EATS SHARKS!
(The Tyrannosaurus then proceeds to eat Gennaro, shaking him around in its mouth.)
NC: Yeah, um, what was the line that Hammond said earlier?
Hammond: In 48 hours, I'll be accepting your apologies.
(Cut back to Gennaro being eaten.)
NC (vo, as Gennaro): I'm sorry I ever took you on as a client! AAAHHHH!!! (Gets eaten.)
NC: Mmm, lawyer. Tastes like deep-rooted insecurity and bitterness.
NC (vo): Grant gets Bulgy Eyes out, but Young Ferris Bueller is still stuck in the car, and the T-Rex throws it over.
(I'M A MOTHERFUCKING T-REX! Grant has Lex clinging onto him while holding onto a wire, avoiding the van falling down.)
Tyrannosaurus: SPARKLE! SPARKLE! SPARKLE!
(NC just faints from awesomeness!)
NC: I'm sorry! I need a minute to recover from such awesomeness! Play the music!
(The Tyrannosaurus roars again as NC faints once more, soon going into commercial. After the commercial, NC has his blazer off and his shirt partway off while eating a slice of pizza.)
NC: (as Harrison Ford) We do each other good, T-Rex. We do each other REAL good. (He then realizes the camera's back on, puts the slice down and gets back to work.) Back to the story.
NC (vo): Nedry gets his car stuck and does his best to pull it out.
Nedry: There's the road.
(As Nedry tries to get the car unjammed, he slips, dropping the embryos in the process. A faint, cartoonish slipping sound effect plays as he slips.)
NC (vo): Was that a cartoon sound effect? Did (Joel) Schumacher take over for one second of filming?
(The clip plays again. Nedry encounters a Dilophosaurus.)
NC (vo): But he comes across a nasty visitor, or at least she becomes nasty when the prop guy pulls the strings. (A close up on the left side of the Dilophosaurus' frill reveals strings. Look carefully.) Yep, just ruined that scene forever for you.
(The Dilophosaur's frill vibrates as it roars in anger. Nedry screams from inside his car as the Dilophosaurus eats him, having blinded him with its venom. The embryos are buried in mud.)
NC (vo): Grant manages to get Young Ferris Bueller out of the tree and tries making their way back. Meanwhile, Sattler comes across Goldbum just in time to partake in another badass T-Rex scene.
(The Tyrannosaurus bursts out of the tree, chasing the trio in the jeep.)
NC: Eat those bitches!
Sattler: SHIT! SHIT!
NC: Don't forget the mirror scene that proportionally makes no sense but is still so goddamn cool! (Muldoon looks in the mirror to see the Tyrannosaurus closing in.) Yeah, that so doesn't add up!
(The T-Rex eventually gives up chasing them.)
NC (vo): Eh, look on the bright side, at least you give Toy Story 2 something to parody. (The Toy Story 2 parody scene plays as he says this.)
(The next day, Grant, Lex and Tim are sleeping in a tree when a Brachiosaurus takes a bite out of the branches they're sleeping.)
NC (vo): The next morning, Grant and the kids come across some friendly Brachiosauruses. I have to admit, this is one of the lesser effects in the movie. I don't know. Maybe because it's at a profile, but does anyone else think it looks like just a giant expensive sock puppet?
Lex: Can I touch it?
Grant: Sure. Just think of it as...kind of a big cow. (Tim giggles.)
Lex: I like cows.
NC (vo): That line always sounded weird to me, too. Not that you can make the phrase, "I like cows." sound all that natural, but it goes pretty (George) Lucas there, doesn't it?
Lex: I like cows.
NC: (dull) But I don't like sand. (The Brachiosaurus sneezes on Lex.) I like snot.
NC (vo): Suddenly, Grant discovers the dinosaurs are breeding, which seems impossible, seeing how all of them are females.
Grant: They mutated the dinosaur genetic code and blended it with that of a frog's. Now, some West African frogs have been known to spontaneously change sex from male to female in a single sex environment.
NC (vo): Funny how this is common knowledge to me and yet none of the highly paid scientists who put this together ever considered this a possibility!
Hammond: Spared no expense.
NC (vo): But at least they did think of this possibility: a lysine contingency.
Arnold: The lysine contingency is intended to prevent the spread of the animals in case they ever get off the island. Dr. Wu inserted a gene that creates a single faulty enzyme in protein metabolism. The animals can't manufacture the amino acid lysine. Unless they're completely supplied with lysine by us, they'll slip into a coma and die.
NC: Oh, great! Why don't you do that?
Hammond: That is absolutely out of the question.
NC (vo): Guess we can just add this to the grocery list of scenes that go nowhere in this movie. Yeah, really think about it. There's quite a few, aren't there? (As he says the following, the text "GOES NOWHERE" appears over the described images.) Hammond not showing up because his daughter's getting a divorce (goes nowhere), Goldblum hitting on Sattler, and her fuck buddy finding out (going nowhere), digging through dino-shit (goes nowhere), the lysine (goes nowhere), those weird fucking goggles (goes nowhere)!
NC: What was the point of all those?!
Hammond: Spared no expense.
NC: You spared purpose, though! Lots and lots of purpose!
NC (vo): But "I've-had-it-with-these-motherfucking-dinosaurs-on-this-motherfucking-island" (Arnold) agrees to shut down the system and restart it. (As the power shuts down, the crew turns on flashlights.)
NC (vo as Spielberg): Oh, why don't I just shoot all my movies at a lighthouse? I could write that in somehow!
Arnold: It's off. It worked.
Ian: What do you mean it worked? Everything's still off.
Arnold: Well, maybe the shutdown tripped the circuit breakers. All we have to do is turn them back on.
Muldoon: Where are the breakers?
Arnold: Maintenance shed at the other end of the compound. Three minutes, I can have power back on in the entire park. (And he then walks off.)
Hammond: Well, now just to be safe, I want everyone in the emergency bunker.
NC (vo): Uh, wait. Did I just hear that right? You're sending the only computer guy on the island OUTSIDE with the killer dinosaurs ALONE? Huh, can't see anything going wrong there.
Ellie: Something went wrong. I'm gonna go get the power back on.
Hammond: You can't just stroll down the road.
NC: Oh, you mean the way you JUST LET THAT GUY (clip of Arnold walking out) STROLL DOWN THE ROAD?!
NC (vo): Oh, yeah, the black dude can handle his own, but when a pretty white lady has to go? Pfft, hell, no, suit up, it's too dangerous out there! (Muldoon is loading shotgun shells into his gun. Hammond is laying down blueprints on top of Ian.) Even Hammond can't bear to see her go where they easily tossed the black guy!
Hammond: It ought to be me really going.
Hammond: Well, I'm, uh, and you're, um...
Ellie: Look, we can discuss sexism and survival situations when I get back.
NC: It is funny him confusing strength and gender seeing how most of the things on the island trying to kill him have a vagina.
NC (vo): So Sattler makes it to the building and turns on the power just as Young Ferris Bueller is climbing the fence.
Tim: I'm gonna count to three! (Ellie continues pressing buttons, getting closer to the Perimeter Fence button.) One...two...
(Suddenly, he gets zapped off the fence as the last button is pushed. A sound effect from Walt Disney's Alice in Wonderland (the part where the March Hare smashes the White Rabbit's pocket watch) is heard as he falls into Grant's arms.)
Grant: Tim! (He's now performing CPR on him while Lex is in tears.) No, Tim!
NC (vo): (As Grant) Well, at least we know what we're having for dinner-- (Suddenly, Tim's coughing and awake) Oh, Timmy, yes, thank God, haha!
(Back to Ellie)
NC (vo): Sattler, on the other hand, could be better.
(Just as she's celebrating getting the power back on, a Velociraptor appears behind her, scaring her. She backs up into a locker where Arnold's hand lands on her shoulder.)
Ellie: Oh, Mr. Arnold. (All that's left of him is his arm on her shoulder, freaking her out.)
NC (vo): (as Arnold) Why didn't nobody tell me it wasn't just a stroll down the road?
(Ellie then runs for dear life out of the shed!)
NC (vo): She gets out okay, but Velociraptor Dundee (Muldoon) seems to have his own problems to deal with.
(He aims his shotgun at the Alpha Raptor before another one suddenly approaches from the side.)
Muldoon: Clever girl.
NC: (As Muldoon, imitating holding a shotgun) Waiting for me to turn around to acknowledge your intelligence. Clever, gloating, egotistical girl--aaaaahhh!
(Muldoon is then pounded on and viciously eaten by the Velociaptor. Another Raptor watches as a snake crawls across the vine in front of it.)
NC (vo): Yep, if you haven't noticed, these things are damn smart. Even when Grant leaves the kids alone in a building with no locked doors...
NC: ...How stupid...
(As NC speaks, we are shown the famous "Raptors in the kitchen" scene.)
NC (vo): They manage to open up the doors, corner them in the kitchen, and yet somehow never manage to get these twerps! Yeah, you go on and on about how smart they are and how they can even track die-hard hunters, yet two little kids with no way out give them the slip? I mean, couldn't they just be like...?
(Cut to two Velociraptors outside the kitchen door. Both have female voices provided by Rachel.)
Vanessa: Oh, Stephanie, can you be awesome and stand guard at the door while I sniff our dinner out?
Stephanie: Of course, Vanessa!
Vanessa: Thank you!
Stephanie: No prob! (Suddenly, the kids are screaming and a chomp is heard.) Hey, did you hear about Andrea's spontaneous change of sex?
Vanessa: Yeah, that was weird!
(Grant, Ellie and the kids head back to the lab.)
NC (vo): So like I said, the kids get away and meet up with Grant and Sattler, who get them to the control room to turn everything back on, including the door locks...which was kinda stupid hooking up everyday door locks to their computer. Should've thought that one through.
Hammond: Spared no expense.
(Grant and Ellie hold the door shut to keep the Raptor from getting in.)
Grant: Boot up the door locks!
Ellie: You can't hold it by yourself!
NC (vo): So while Bulgy Eyes tries to boot up all the power to the park, because they clearly went into great detail about what a computer expert she is...
Lex: I'm a hacker.
NC (vo): ...It's up to Young Ferris Bueller to hand Sattler the gun. (Instead, Tim's smacking the chair Lex is in nervously. NC clears his throat.) Hand Sattler the gun. (Ellie can barely get a toehold on the strap of the gun.) The chair doesn't need a massage as much as Sattler needs the gun.
Ellie: I can't get it unless I move!
NC (vo): (spoken like it's through an intercom) Boy's assistance needed two steps fucking behind you. Boy's assistance needed two steps fucking behind you.
(Lex manages to get the computer system back online.)
NC (vo): (normal voice) Oh, well, they got the power back on and at least they have more ammo they can use for later.
(A crack in the glass is heard.)
Ellie: It's gonna cut through the glass!
(Hammond is holding the phone, hearing gunshots.)
(Each shot misses.)
NC (vo): Or miss a whopping four times. What, are the raptors (clip of) Agents from The Matrix? How the hell can you miss four times hitting a dinosaur?!!
(The group gets to the lobby of the Visitors Center, climbing onto the Diplodocus skeleton as the Raptors close in on them.)
NC (vo): They climb aboard that thing the Flintstones eat at the end credits when it seems like they're cornered. How the hell could they get out of this one?
(I'M A MOTHERFUCKING T-REX! Just as the Velociraptor's about to pounce, the Tyrannosaurus chomps down on it. "Deus Rex Machina!!!" flashes onscreen. NC's excited.)
NC: Yeah!! Fuck, yeah!
NC (vo): Goddamn it, I love you, T-Rex! You are the most awesome goddamn thing! Even though it makes no sense how they couldn't hear you even though your footsteps always make the ground shake, you just gave the most awesome ending this movie deserved!
(As the lone Raptor pounces on the Tyrannosaurus, the group slips away. The Tyrannosaur soon gets it in its fangs, shakes it around, then throws it into the Tyrannosaur skeleton before turning to the camera and roaring as a banner reading "WHEN DINOSAURS RULED THE EARTH" comes down.)
T-Rex: HERE'S A FREE POSTER, BITCHES!
NC: All she needs is a mic drop. I swear, that's the only thing missing. She fucking owns everything that ever existed! She just needs a mic drop.
(The Tyrannosaurus roars again as NC drops a mic for her, arms stretched out. The survivors then get on the chopper.)
NC (vo): And thus, they all seem to make it out okay.
(Hammond is looking at the mosquito in the amber on his cane.)
NC (vo): (As Hammond) Mammoths. Next time, definitely mammoths.
(Ellie and Grant look over each other, the kids sleeping on Grant.)
NC (vo): (As Grant) Aww, my touching story arc is complete. (As Ellie) Let's split in the third film. (Grant) Okay.
(The chopper flies off into the sun.)
NC (vo): And the moral of the story, kids: When a white Scottish man offers you to see his park, you say no.
NC: And that's Jurassic Park. It's got its flaws, even some major, major flaws, but I'm sorry. It's still fucking awesome.
(Clips of the movie play as he gives his closing summary.)
NC (vo): The effects for the most part still look great. The story's not too void of intelligent conversation. The characters, though maybe a little too simplistic at times, are still likeable, and it still has the size and scope to not only enchant, but also scare. It's suspenseful and fun despite that there's some typical Spielberg moments, both good and bad. Not to mention just the straight up awesome factor. It knows what to give the audience and just how much suspension of disbelief we can lend to still enjoy it. As action-packed adventures go, this is one that is still a lot of fun and very impressive.
NC: And, of course, let's be honest here. It made the T-Rex a motherfucking star again. Drop that mic, bitch!
(I'M A MOTHERFUCKING T-REX! The final scene now has a mic added in being dropped.)
NC: I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to.
(He picks up the mic and gives it one more drop before he leaves we go to credits. The T-Rex song plays throughout the credits.)
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Ellie and Ian: (rambling and mumbling)