Jupiter Ascending

Jupiter Ascending
Aired	29:02
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Link	http://channelawesome.com/nostalgia-critic-jupiter-ascending/

(We open today's episode at Warner Bros. Studios. Sitting with Malcolm Ray is Andy Wachowski (Doug Walker) and Lana Wachowski (Tamara Chambers)

Malcolm: Ah, Wachowskis. So good to have you back at Warner Bros.

Andy: Well, what can I say? Lana and I have wanted to work with you guys again for a long time.

(And then Doug breaks character)

Doug: Wait, are we doing this right?

Malcolm: What do you mean?

Doug: I mean Lana used to be Larry, so...shouldn't we get a man to play the part?

Tamara: No, she's a woman now, so it makes sense.

Doug: But she used to be a man.

Tamara: Yeah, but we still don't have any women who used to be men.

Malcolm: I think Jim (Jarozs) used to be a woman, but turned into a man.

Doug: Really?

Malcolm: I don't know. He said it when he was drunk.

Tamara: Will that really work? Because he's a man now.

Doug: But he's a transsexual. Does it make more sense to have a woman who's not a transsexual instead of transsexual the other way around?

Malcolm: Look, I'm pretty sure it won't matter if we don't address it.

Doug: Pfft. It's the Internet. That never works.

Tamara: Okay, we've all played different genders before this, so clearly we don't have a problem with it.

Doug: Yeah, but it's like the first real life transsexual we're representing. I just want to make sure not to piss anybody off.

Malcolm: Oh, you mean like because I'm black and she's a woman, suddenly we represent all blacks and all women?

Doug: Exactly!

Tamara: Whoa! Who says that?

Malcolm: Everybody.

(And then the three of them talk over each other to the point it's hard to make anything out before an APOLOGIES screen comes up)

Malcolm: We apologize for losing track of this sketch. We're going to assume you want to see a review of Jupiter Ascending. Please note that we do not discriminate against the Wachowskis except that they made Jupiter Ascending. We now return to a hopefully more focused routine.

(We're now back in the boardroom)

Malcolm: So Wachowskis, what did you have in mind?

Andy: Well, something big and expensive.

Malcolm: Big shock.

Lana: You know Star Wars: The Phantom Menace?

Malcolm: Oh, that gigantic piece of--

Andy: Awesomeness? That's why we wanna do something exactly like that!

Lana: Except we wanna replace all the boring dialogue and exposition...

Malcolm: Aah...

Andy: With even more boring dialogue and exposition!

Malcolm: That sounds incredibly backwards.

Lana: Oh, but you know how all the characters took themselves too seriously?

Malcolm: Nobody liked that.

Andy: Making the story seem more important than it really is?

Malcolm: Amazingly unpopular.

Lana: When really, they're just a person who's bored with their lives, who discovers that they're amazing.

Malcolm: I literally saw that on the Disney Channel.

Andy: That's our story!

Lana: Oh! And there's spaceships.

Malcolm: Been done.

Andy: Rocket boots.

Malcolm: Been done.

Lana: Huge computer-generated backgrounds.

Malcolm: Am I even in the room right now?

Andy: And so much backstory and made-up names, it'll feel more like homework than it will entertainment!

Malcolm: Okay, you clearly have a story that's 20 years behind, is made of mostly boring dialogue, rips off every sci-fi known to man, and you want millions of dollars from us after several critical and box office failures?

Andy: Pretty much, yeah.

Lana: Definitely.

Malcolm: How the hell did you get money from us?

(The two of them snap their fingers and Malcolm begins twitching around in his seat before being replaced by Agent Schmuck (again played by Doug Walker))

Schmuck: $170 million sound all right? (The Wachowskis nod) Good.

(Schmuck smirks, and then we come to our opening!)

NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. What does it take to make a great epic? Oddly enough, the answer might not be as complicated as you think.

(Poster for Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring)

NC (vo): Introduce character or characters, make them interesting and identifiable, (poster for Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope) and put them in a challenging journey that will alter who they are by the end of the story. (Picture of Avatar: The Last Airbender) Some do this well, (Picture of The Last Airbender) others not so much, (Picture from Game of Thrones, which has Daenerys Targaryen on the Iron Throne) but most would agree those are the essential elements.

NC: But then you get the writers who think it should be focused on other elements.

(Clips from Jupiter Ascending are shown)

NC (vo): Like complicated details and backstories, made-up names that sound cool in some environments, but fucking ridiculous in others.

Caine: Jupiter!

Girl: Jupiter, please!

NC (vo): Giant fake explosions over giant fake landscapes with people going "Aaah!" And, of course, people looking really, really serious and never smiling once because...we can identify with them easier that way?

NC: Sadly, some writers out there think this is what makes a big epic, and the Wachowskis are a perfect example of that.

(Poster for The Matrix)

NC (vo): Yeah, I know I picked on them a lot recently, but I'm sorry, it's just too damn easy. (Posters for The Matrix Revolutions) They keep making the same mistakes over and over. (Pictures of Speed Racer) These are people so convinced that they can do epics well that they tried to make a cartoon about a car, a boy and his monkey epic. (Poster of Cloud Atlas) They made up their own bullshit language to look important, even though nobody could follow what the hell they were saying.

NC: And, of course, they spent over $170 million on one of their biggest bombs ever, Jupiter Ascending.

(The title of the movie is shown, before again showing clips from the film)

NC (vo): Who needs likeable characters or an understanding what's going on? We got big sounding words, people who whisper half their lines while screaming the rest, and literally so many ripoffs of other sci-fi films that listing them would probably take up the entire review.

NC: So I am officially setting up... (*DING* A Rip-Off Sidepot appears in the corner with posters for Happy Feet and its ripoff, Tappy Toes) a sidepot of annoyance, just to go over all the movies this film is obviously ripping off while I go through the review. It's the Wachowskis, so you know there's a lot to get through. Let's take a gander at Jupiter Ascending.

(The movie begins)

NC (vo): The movie opens with a narration from our main character, played by Mila Kunis.

Jupiter (vo): Technically speaking, I'm an alien.

NC: (Imitating Peter from Family Guy) Shut up, Meg.

[We see a couple at a house, with the wife preparing to give birth]

Jupiter (vo): My parents met at the University in St. Petersberg.

NC (vo): Her parents are happy that a bouncing baby bore is on the way, but suddenly, a bunch of thugs come in to kill the father. Why, you may ask? For the money. Yeah, really, you don't need anymore than that. Just the money. He could've used that money to cure cancer, or used it to smoke kittens' heads. It's just the money! You get it! It explains so much about the character and the situation. Yeah, don't worry, though. This is the only time you'll wish they went into more detail.

NC: In fact, savoir this moment. You'll find it's a curious rarity.

[We see the now-widowed wife giving birth to a baby girl as a group of women also watch]

Jupiter (vo): Somewhere in the middle of the Atlantic, she pushed me out. I was born without a country, without a home.

NC (vo; as Jupiter): Without a script, either.

Jupiter (vo): With Jupiter rising at 23 degrees ascended. This is supposed to mean that I am destined for great things, and that I will find the one true love of my life.

NC (vo): Mmm, no, still sounds stupid. You could say that name means dinosaurs fighting sharks with laser nipples. It's still never gonna fly.

(Amanda Celine Miller suddenly appears)

Amanda: I think it's a good name.

NC (vo): Who are you?

Amanda: The voice actress for Sailor Jupiter.

NC (vo): How random.

[Amanda slowly walks away. Back to the movie]

NC (vo): So naturally, a beautiful woman named Jupiter gets the only job a beautiful woman named Jupiter would get: janitor.

[An adult Jupiter is shown lying in bed]

Jupiter: I hate my life.

NC: [As Jupiter] If only high-paying jobs favored hot people.

[We see bounty hunters on a rooftop looking out the city]

NC (vo): We then cut to, I think, bounty hunters who are looking for...you know what? I'm just gonna play a game with you. It's called "Try to Care". No, really. Just listen to these clubbing fry-guys for a couple seconds and see if you can give a shit to what's going on. Really try. Try to get invested.

Falque: Another hunter.

Razo: And ex-legion. He was a skyjacker.

Ibis: How do you know that?

Razo: The boots.

Falque: There was a hunter in the legion. Could track a single gene in the gyre.

NC (vo): You see? It's impossible! They're just saying stuff. Not speaking dialogue, saying stuff. There's a big difference. They're just trying to say important-sounding exposition that we heard in a million films before. There's nothing original about it.

NC: Gee, are they all gonna fire at a guy and miss, too?

[That described moment happens. NC now takes out a large book and starts writing]

NC: Note to self: stop asking if stupid stuff will happen, because then stupid stuff will happen.

[A gunfight ensues as the bounty hunters try to shoot a man named Caine. Caine brings out a shield and jumps in an effort to dodge the gunfire. Quick shots of The Phantom Menace and Masters of the Universe are shown as that scene plays]

NC (vo): Well, at least he has his Episode I shield while reenacting the Masters of the Universe movie.

NC: Up-bup-bup! That is what the Sidepot is for. [The Rip-Off Sidepot appears in the corner with the two aforementioned shots] Keep it focused.

[The villain's lair is shown]

NC (vo): We then cut to...

[The Rip-Off Sidepot appears in the corner with an image of the planet Naboo from The Phantom Menace]

NC (vo): Well, I would have said Rivendull... [The image of Naboo is replaced with the image of Rivendell from Lord of the Rings] but both work...as we're introduced to one of our villains named Balem, played by Academy Award winner Eddie Redmayne.

Balem: [Speaking in a whispered, hoarse voice throughout the movie] I have not crossed the vastness of space for your pleasantries, Mr. Night.

NC: [Stunned at Redmayne's performance] A decision we're rapidly regretting.

NC (vo): I'm not even kidding. This is how he sounds throughout the entire film.

Balem: [Various scenes] What was necessary to rule.../I want Miss Dunlevy found./Double our security deployment to destroy.../You will confess your genetic incapacity.

NC (vo): It's incredible. It's like we're listening to the fucking Godpidgeon.

[NC mimics the Godpigeon's mumbling over Balem. A clip showing the Goodfeathers is shown]

Bobby: [Voiced by NC] The Godpigeon says, if you're gonna wear tight leather, you better expect laughs.

[Back at Jupiter's apartment, we see her best friend Katherine]

NC (vo): Meanwhile, one of Jupiter's friends/clients is asking for advice on an outfit. And just trying to sneak in a horny underwear shot like most sci-fi movies these days. [Aliens suddenly appear in the apartment and capture Katherine, as the Rip-Off Sidepot appears in the corner with an image of the alien from Signs] But the most phoned-in aliens farted out of the cliched anus arrive, doing...honestly, I don't know. I think they're like Mens' Rights activists. This is just what they do when they see a woman for the first time.

[Jupiter watches as the aliens shoot at Katherine]

NC (vo): Jupiter does what any person would do when they see their best friend in danger... [Jupiter does what NC describes] take a picture...when the aliens suddenly erase their memories. But that doesn't stop her from discovering the picture later...and having absolutely no reaction to it.

NC (vo; as Jupiter): Oh, just another night of anal groping by unknown lifeforms at my BFF's...or as I like to call it, Tuesday. [normal] But Jupiter can't think of this now, as she's going to a fraternity clinic to get some extra money to buy a telescope. No, really. That's one of the subplots.

Jupiter: Why is it that you get 10 grand and I get five? I mean, they're not your eggs.

Vladie: That's capitalism, babe. Profits flow up.

NC: And just to be clear, this is the comedic part of the film, folks. [beat] Get it?

[Back to the clinic scene, where aliens suddenly appear and attack]

NC (vo): ...where the aliens attack again, even though they probably could've just done this the last time they saw her.

[Caine masked man suddenly bursts in and attacks the aliens, as they try to attack him]

NC (vo; as the aliens, imitating Gollum): Precious! Precious! Precious! Precious!

[Caine fights the aliens off and picks up Jupiter]

NC (vo): She's saved by a man named Caine, played by Channing Tatum, who takes her to the Sears Tower because...I'm sure no security would be at that place.

Caine: It can be difficult, people from underdeveloped worlds, to hear that their planet is not the only inhabited planet in the verse.

NC (vo; snickers): For a species so advanced, we call the universe "the verse". [Speaks over-dramatically] Behold, as I prepare to shorten your most popular orange drink to Sunny D!

[A picture of Sunny Delight Orange Juice is shown. We see Balem again in his lair as an alien approaches him]

Alien: There was a problem with...

[The Rip-Off Sidepot appears in the corner with an image of the lair shown in Blade Runner]

NC (vo): The news reaches Michael Crawford's falsetto (Balem), who doesn't seem very happy with the news.

Balem: Destroy any ship that comes near the planet. [Suddenly gets angry and shouts] GO!!

[NC jumps in shock at that sudden yell]

NC: Where the fuck did that come from?!

Balem: GO!!

NC (vo): Christ! I hope he doesn't sporadically scream like that on date night.

[Cut to a skit showing Doug and Tamara sitting on a couch and watching TV]

Doug: Hey, baby. What do you say we watch... [Suddenly shouts] "ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK"?! [Tamara is stunned and scared] What? [Shouts again] WHAT?!

[Back to the movie, where Caine, carrying Jupiter, flies into the sky]

NC (vo): Tatum tells her that she is needed elsewhere in "the verse", and they almost have, what I guess, is a romantic scene, but we don't really know anything about these characters, therefore you can't feel any chemistry. So, I'll just point out how they're ripping off Superman Returns.

[The Rip-Off Sidepot appears in the corner showing an image of the flying scene from Superman Returns]

NC: But, hey, at least we now know somebody watched Superman Returns.

[Aliens suddenly appear and chase Caine and Jupiter throughout the city]

NC (vo): But more clusterfuck-heart aliens are on the prowl, and they have, actually, a pretty decent chase throughout most of Chicago. But it goes on for so fucking long that you wish they would bump into better Chicago action scenes.

[More scenes from the chase sequence are shown]

NC: Look out for the Joker!

[An action scene from The Dark Knight is shown]

Joker: Hit me! [gibbers]

[As the chase scene continues, the Rip-Off Sidepot appears in the corner with an image showing the chase sequence from Attack of the Clones. Then another image appears, showing another chase sequence from The Fifth Element]

NC (vo): The city, though, is immediately fixed, and the aliens wipe all of the people's memories. [The Rip-Off Sidepot appears in the corner with an image of Agent J from Men in Black] Tatum is hurt pretty bad, but thankfully, Jupiter has... [Jupiter puts a maxi-pad on Caine's wound] a maxi-pad.

NC: I...don't even know what kind of joke to make about that. For...when you need to stop bleeding from more places than what...no, it's too weird. I got nothing.

NC (vo): He takes her to his good friend Stinger, played by Sean "Fuck you! I'm not gonna die in another role!" Bean. They decide to fight each other, because they really like that cliche of two old friends meeting again and not getting along. [The Rip-Off Sidepot appears in the corner, showing an image of Han and Lando in The Empire Strikes Back, then showing an image of Ernest from Ernest Saves Christmas] Come on, even Ernest Saves Christmas did that one. But Jupiter distracts them with her incredible power of stupid things.

[Jupiter uses her newfound power to summon bees, which fly around her. Stinger immediately bows down to her]

Stinger: Your Majesty.

NC (vo): So, why did the bees obey her? Get a load of this.

Stinger: Your bees are genetically designed to recognize royalty. They sense it.

[NC has his hands over his eyes in disbelief]

NC: You know, I'm not gonna lie. I'm having trouble with this one. The whole movie. It is so surreally strange, I'm having trouble coming up with stuff to say about it.

NC (vo): We have naked Crypt Keepers climbing the wall, maxi-pads used as band-aids, and now bees that recognize royal tarts. And they're treating all of it like it's just common knowledge. It's like anything normal you'd find in any other great epic.

NC: Is there anything else so amazingly stupid you'd practically make it impossible to comment on?

Jupiter: Your people killed the dinosaurs?

Stinger: Technically, they're your people, Majesty.

[NC has a look of disbelief on his face]

NC: You know what? Give me a minute. Just give me...I'll be right back.

[He gets up and walks off-screen. A recognizable voice is heard as NC grabs him off-screen]

Voice: Hey, what are you doing? What are you doing?

NC (off-screen): Get over there! Get over there! [[[Chester A. Bum]] is suddenly thrown into NC's chair] Now comment on this scene!

Chester: Why?

NC (off-screen): Because this movie is so high on itself, only a drug addict could respond to it!

[Chester watches as the scene from earlier repeats]

Jupiter: Your people killed the dinosaurs?

Stinger: Technically, they're your people, Majesty.

Chester: [chuckles] I bet they also created the parallel dimension in the Super Mario Bros. movie.

NC (off-screen): That'll do! Get out of here! Piss off!

Chester: It makes sense.

NC (off-screen): I said, PISS OFF!

[Chester gets up and leaves. A punching sound, followed by Chester yelling "Ow!" is heard. NC comes back and sits back down. He suddenly realizes something]

NC: Actually, that does kind of make sense.

[We go to commercial]

Note: The transcript is not complete. Please fill in more gaps if possible.