June 9, 2015
(We open today's episode at Warner Bros. Studios. Sitting with Malcolm Ray is Andy Wachowski (Doug Walker) and Lana Wachowski (Tamara Chambers))
Malcolm: Ah, Wachowskis. So good to have you back at Warner Bros.
Andy: Well, what can I say? Lana and I have wanted to work with you guys again for a long time.
(And then Doug breaks character)
Doug: Wait, are we doing this right?
Malcolm: What do you mean?
Doug: I mean, Lana used to be Larry, so...shouldn't we get a man to play the part?
Tamara: No, she's a woman now, so it makes sense.
Doug: But she used to be a man.
Tamara: Yeah, but we still don't have any women who used to be men.
Malcolm: I think Jim (Jarosz) used to be a woman, but turned into a man.
Malcolm: I don't know. He said it when he was drunk.
Tamara: Will that really work though? Because he's a man now.
Doug: But he's a transsexual. Does it make more sense to have a woman who's not a transsexual or a transsexual as a transsexual the other way around?
Malcolm: Look, I'm pretty sure it won't matter if we don't address it.
Doug: Pfft. It's the Internet. That never works.
Tamara: Okay, we've all played different genders before this, so clearly we don't have a problem with it.
Doug: Yeah, but it's like the first real life transsexual we're representing. I just want to make sure not to piss anybody off.
Malcolm: Oh, you mean like because I'm black and she's a woman, suddenly we represent all blacks and all women?
Tamara: Whoa! Who says that?
Malcolm: Everybody says that!
(And then the three of them talk over each other to the point it's hard to make anything out before an APOLOGIES screen comes up)
Malcolm: We apologize for losing track of this sketch. We're going to assume that you just want to see a review of Jupiter Ascending. Please note that we do not discriminate against the Wachowskis for anything except that they made Jupiter Ascending. We now return to a hopefully more focused routine.
(We're now back in the boardroom)
Malcolm: So, Wachowskis, what did you have in mind?
Andy: Well, something big and expensive.
Malcolm: Big shock.
Lana: You know Star Wars: The Phantom Menace?
Malcolm: Oh, that gigantic piece of--
Andy: Awesomeness? We loved it, too. That's why we wanna do a film exactly like that!
Lana: Except we wanna replace all the boring dialogue and exposition...
Andy: With even more boring dialogue and exposition!
Malcolm: That sounds incredibly backwards.
Lana: Oh, but you know how all the characters took themselves too seriously?
Malcolm: Nobody liked that.
Andy: Making the story seem more important than it really is?
Malcolm: Amazingly unpopular.
Lana: When really, they're just a person who's bored with their lives, who discovers that they're amazing.
Malcolm: I literally saw that on the Disney Channel.
Andy: That's our story!
Lana: Oh! And there's spaceships.
Malcolm: Been done.
Andy: Rocket boots.
Malcolm: Been done.
Lana: Huge computer-generated backgrounds.
Malcolm: Am I even in the room right now?
Andy: And so much backstory and made-up names, it'll feel more like homework than it will entertainment!
Malcolm: Okay, you clearly have a story that's 20 years behind, is made of mostly boring dialogue, rips off every sci-fi movie known to man, and you want millions of dollars from us after several critical and box office failures?
Andy: Pretty much, yeah.
Malcolm: How the hell did you get money from us?
(The two of them snap their fingers and Malcolm begins twitching around in his seat before being replaced by Agent Schmuck (again played by Doug Walker))
Schmuck: $170 million sound all right? (The Wachowskis nod) Good.
(Schmuck smirks, and then we come to our opening!)
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. What does it take to make a great epic? Oddly enough, the answer might not be as complicated as you think.
(Poster for Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring)
NC (vo): Introduce character or characters, make them interesting and identifiable, (poster for Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope) and put them in a challenging journey that will alter who they are by the end of the story. (Picture of Avatar: The Last Airbender) Some do this well, (Picture of The Last Airbender) others not so much, (Picture from Game of Thrones, which has Daenerys Targaryen on the Iron Throne) but most would agree those are the essential elements.
NC: But then you get the writers who think it should be focused on other elements.
(Clips from Jupiter Ascending are shown)
NC (vo): Like complicated details and backstories, made-up names that sound cool in some environments, but fucking ridiculous in others.
Girl: Jupiter, help, please!
NC (vo): Giant fake explosions over giant fake landscapes with people going "Aaah!" And, of course, people looking really, really serious and never smiling once because...we can identify with them easier that way?
NC: Sadly, some writers out there think this is what makes a big epic, and the Wachowskis are a perfect example of that.
(Poster for The Matrix)
NC (vo): Yeah, I know I picked on them a lot recently, but I'm sorry, it's just too damn easy. (Posters for The Matrix Revolutions) They keep making the same mistakes over and over. (Pictures of Speed Racer) These are people so convinced that they can do epics well that they tried to make a cartoon about a car, a boy and his monkey epic. (Poster of Cloud Atlas) They made up their own bullshit language to look important, even though nobody could follow what the hell they were saying.
NC: And, of course, they spent over $170 million on one of their biggest bombs ever, Jupiter Ascending.
(The title of the movie is shown, before again showing clips from the film)
NC (vo): Who needs likeable characters or an understanding of what's going on? We got big sounding words, people who whisper half their lines while screaming the rest, and literally so many rip-offs of other sci-fi films that listing them would probably take up the entire review.
NC: So I am officially setting up... (*DING* A Rip-Off Sidepot appears in the corner with posters for Happy Feet and its rip-off, Tappy Toes) a sidepot of annoyance, just to go over all the movies this film is obviously ripping off while I go through the review. It's the Wachowskis, so you know there's a lot to get through. Let's take a gander at Jupiter Ascending.
(The movie begins)
NC (vo): The movie opens with a narration from our main character, played by Mila Kunis.
Jupiter (vo): Technically speaking, I'm an alien.
NC: (Imitating Peter from Family Guy) Shut up, Meg.
[We see a couple at a house, with the wife preparing to give birth]
Jupiter (vo): My parents met at the University in St. Petersberg.
NC (vo): Her parents are happy that a bouncing baby bore is on the way, but suddenly, a bunch of thugs come in to kill the father. Why, you may ask? For the money. Yeah, really, you don't need anymore than that. Just the money. He could've used that money to cure cancer, or used it to smoke kittens' heads. It's just the money! You get it! It explains so much about the character and the situation. Yeah, don't worry, though. This is the only time you'll wish they went into more detail.
NC: In fact, savor this moment. You'll find it's a curious rarity.
[We see the now-widowed wife giving birth to a baby girl as a group of women also watch]
Jupiter (vo): Somewhere in the middle of the Atlantic, she pushed me out. I was born without a country, without a home.
NC (vo; as Jupiter): Without a script either.
Jupiter (vo): With Jupiter rising at 23 degrees ascended. This is supposed to mean that I am destined for great things, and that I will find the one true love of my life.
NC (vo): Mmm, no, still sounds stupid. You could say that name means dinosaurs fighting sharks with laser nipples. It's still never gonna fly.
(Amanda Celine Miller suddenly appears)
Amanda: I think it's a good name.
NC (vo): Who are you?
Amanda: The voice actress for Sailor Jupiter.
NC (vo): How random.
[Amanda slowly walks away. Back to the movie]
NC (vo): So naturally, a beautiful woman named Jupiter gets the only job a beautiful woman named Jupiter would get: janitor.
[An adult Jupiter is shown lying in bed]
Jupiter: I hate my life.
NC: [As Jupiter] If only high-paying jobs favored hot people.
[We see bounty hunters on a rooftop looking out the city]
NC (vo): We then cut to, I think, bounty hunters who are looking for...you know what? I'm just gonna play a game with you. It's called "Try to Care". No, really. Just listen to these clubbing fry-guys for a couple seconds and see if you can give a shit to what's going on. Really try. Try to get invested.
Falque: Another hunter.
Razo: And ex-legion. He was a skyjacker.
Ibis: How do you know that?
Razo: The boots.
Falque: There was a hunter in the legion. Could track a single gene in the gyre.
NC (vo): You see? It's impossible! They're just saying stuff. Not speaking dialogue, saying stuff. There's a big difference. They're just trying to say important-sounding exposition that we heard in a million films before. There's nothing original about it.
NC: Gee, are they all gonna fire at a guy and miss, too?
[That described moment happens. NC now takes out a large book and starts writing]
NC: Note to self: stop asking if stupid stuff will happen, because then stupid stuff will happen.
[A gunfight ensues as the bounty hunters try to shoot a man named Caine. Caine brings out a shield and jumps in an effort to dodge the gunfire. Quick shots of The Phantom Menace and Masters of the Universe are shown as that scene plays]
NC (vo): Well, at least he has his Episode I shield while reenacting the Masters of the Universe movie.
NC: Up-bup-bup! That is what the Sidepot is for. [The Rip-Off Sidepot appears in the corner with the two aforementioned shots] Keep it focused.
[The villain's lair is shown]
NC (vo): We then cut to...
[The Rip-Off Sidepot appears in the corner with an image of the planet Naboo from The Phantom Menace, labeled "Nabore"]
NC (vo): Well, I would have said Rivendull... [The image of Naboo is replaced with the image of Rivendell from Lord of the Rings] but both work...as we're introduced to one of our villains named Balem, played by Academy Award winner Eddie Redmayne.
Balem: [Speaking in a whispered, hoarse voice throughout the movie] I have not crossed the vastness of space for your pleasantries, Mr. Night.
NC: [Stunned at Redmayne's performance] A decision we're rapidly regretting.
NC (vo): I'm not even kidding. This is how he sounds throughout the entire film.
Balem: [Various scenes] What was necessary to rule... / I want Miss Dunlevy found. / Double our security deployment to destroy... / You will confess your genetic incapacity.
NC (vo): It's incredible. It's like we're listening to the fucking Godpidgeon.
[The Godpigeon's mumbling is heard over Balem. A clip showing the Goodfeathers is shown next]
Bobby: [Voiced by NC] The Godpigeon says, if you're gonna wear tight leather, you better expect laughs.
[Back at Jupiter's apartment, we see her best friend Katherine]
NC (vo): Meanwhile, one of Jupiter's friends/clients is asking for advice on an outfit. And just trying to sneak in a horny underwear shot like most sci-fi movies these days. [Aliens suddenly appear in the apartment and capture Katherine, as the Rip-Off Sidepot appears in the corner with an image of the alien from Signs] But the most phoned-in aliens farted out of the cliched anus arrive, doing...honestly, I don't know. I think they're like Mens' Rights activists. This is just what they do when they see a woman for the first time.
[Jupiter watches as the aliens shoot at Katherine]
NC (vo): Jupiter does what any person would do when they see their best friend in danger... [Jupiter does what NC describes] take a picture...when the aliens suddenly erase their memories. But that doesn't stop her from discovering the picture later...and having absolutely no reaction to it.
NC (vo; as Jupiter): Oh, just another night of anal groping by unknown lifeforms at my BFF's...or as I like to call it, Tuesday. [normal] But Jupiter can't think of this now, as she's going to a fraternity clinic to get some extra money to buy a telescope. No, really. That's one of the subplots.
Jupiter: Why is it that you get 10 grand and I get five? I mean, they're not your eggs.
Vladie: That's capitalism, babe. Profits flow up.
NC: And just to be clear, this is the comedic part of the film, folks. [beat] Get it?
[Back to the clinic scene, where aliens suddenly appear and attack]
NC (vo): ...where the aliens attack again, even though they probably could've just done this the last time they saw her.
[Caine suddenly bursts in and attacks the aliens, as they try to attack him]
NC (vo; as the aliens, imitating Gollum): Precious! Precious! Precious! Precious!
[Caine fights the aliens off and picks up Jupiter]
NC (vo): She's saved by a man named Caine, played by Channing Tatum, who takes her to the Sears Tower because...I'm sure no security would be at that place.
Caine: It can be difficult, people from underdeveloped worlds, to hear that their planet is not the only inhabited planet in the verse.
NC (vo; snickers): For a species so advanced, we call the universe "the verse". [Speaks over-dramatically] Behold, as I prepare to shorten your most popular orange drink to Sunny D!
[A picture of Sunny Delight Orange Juice is shown. We see Balem again in his lair as an alien approaches him]
Alien: There was a problem with the clinic.
[The Rip-Off Sidepot appears in the corner with an image of the lair shown in Blade Runner]
NC (vo): The news reaches Michael Crawford's falsetto (Balem), who doesn't seem very happy with the news.
Balem: Destroy any ship that comes near the planet. [Suddenly gets angry and shouts] GO!!
[NC jumps in shock at that sudden yell]
NC: Where the fuck did that come from?!
NC (vo): Christ! I hope he doesn't sporadically scream like that on date night.
[Cut to a skit showing Doug and Tamara sitting on a couch and watching TV]
Doug: Hey, baby. What do you say we watch... [Suddenly shouts] ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK?! [Tamara is stunned and scared] What? [Shouts again] WHAT?!
[Back to the movie, where Caine, carrying Jupiter, flies into the sky]
NC (vo): Tatum tells her that she is needed elsewhere in "the verse", and they almost have, what I guess, is a romantic scene, but we don't really know anything about these characters, therefore you can't feel any chemistry. So, I'll just point out how they're ripping off Superman Returns.
[The Rip-Off Sidepot appears in the corner showing an image of the flying scene from Superman Returns]
NC: But, hey, at least we now know somebody watched Superman Returns.
[Aliens suddenly appear and chase Caine and Jupiter throughout the city]
NC (vo): But more Calista Flockhart aliens are on the prowl, and they have, actually, a pretty decent chase throughout most of Chicago. But it goes on for so fucking long that you wish they would bump into better Chicago action scenes.
[More scenes from the chase sequence are shown]
NC: Look out for the Joker!
[An action scene from The Dark Knight is shown]
Joker: Hit me! [gibbers]
[As the chase scene continues, the Rip-Off Sidepot appears in the corner with an image showing the chase sequence from Attack of the Clones. Then another image appears, showing another chase sequence from The Fifth Element]
NC (vo): The city, though, is immediately fixed, and the aliens wipe all of the people's memories. [The Rip-Off Sidepot appears in the corner with an image of Agent J from Men in Black] Tatum is hurt pretty bad, but thankfully, Jupiter has... [Jupiter puts a maxi-pad on Caine's wound] a maxi-pad.
NC: I...don't even know what kind of joke to make about that. For...when you need to stop bleeding from more places than what...no, it's too weird. I got nothing.
NC (vo): He takes her to his good friend Stinger, played by Sean "Fuck you! I'm not gonna die in another role!" Bean. They decide to fight each other, because they really like that cliche of two old friends meeting again and not getting along. [The Rip-Off Sidepot appears in the corner, showing an image of Han and Lando in The Empire Strikes Back, then showing an image of Ernest from Ernest Saves Christmas] Come on, even Ernest Saves Christmas did that one. But Jupiter distracts them with her incredible power of stupid things.
[Jupiter uses her newfound power to summon bees, which fly around her. Stinger immediately bows down to her]
Stinger: Your Majesty.
NC (vo): So, why did the bees obey her? Get a load of this.
Stinger: Your bees are genetically designed to recognize royalty. They sense it.
[NC has his hands over his eyes in disbelief]
NC: You know, I'm not gonna lie. I'm having trouble with this one. The whole movie. It is so surreally strange, I'm having trouble coming up with stuff to say about it.
NC (vo): We have naked Crypt Keepers climbing the wall, maxi-pads used as band-aids, and now bees that recognize royal tarts. And they're treating all of it like it's just common knowledge. It's like anything normal you'd find in any other great epic.
NC: Is there anything else so amazingly stupid you'd practically make it impossible to comment on?
Jupiter: Your people killed the dinosaurs?
Stinger: Technically, they're your people, Majesty.
[NC has a look of disbelief on his face]
NC: You know what? Give me a minute. Just give me...I'll be right back.
[He gets up and walks off-screen. A recognizable voice is heard as NC grabs him off-screen]
Voice: Hey, what are you doing? What are you doing?
NC (off-screen): Get over there! Get over there! (Chester A. Bum is suddenly thrown into NC's chair) Now comment on this scene!
NC (off-screen): Because this movie is so high on itself, only a drug addict could respond to it!
[Chester watches as the scene from earlier repeats]
Jupiter: Your people killed the dinosaurs?
Stinger: Technically, they're your people, Majesty.
Chester: [chuckles] I bet they also created the parallel dimension in the Super Mario Bros. movie.
NC (off-screen): That'll do! Get out of here! Piss off!
Chester: It makes sense.
NC (off-screen): I said, PISS OFF!
[Chester gets up and leaves. A punching sound, followed by Chester yelling "Ow!" is heard. NC comes back and sits back down. He suddenly realizes something]
NC: Actually, that does kind of make sense.
[We go to commercial. And we are back, and we are still shown the scene with Jupiter, Caine and Stinger at the cabin]
NC (vo): So, I hope you really like someone asking a question and someone else answering it, 'cause you're in for a great, big fuck of it.
Jupiter: You had wings?
Stinger: Bio-neural synaptic prosthetic the military could buy.
Jupiter: Why won't those human beings share things like this?
Stinger: Sharing has never been a strong suit of your species.
(NC is bored with all this exposition)
Jupiter: Is he mad at me?
Stinger: The splicer that bred him had to sell him to the legion for a loss.
NC: I don't care. Next scene.
Jupiter: Why did he get court martialed?
Stinger: He attacked an entitled.
NC: I don't care! Next scene!
Jupiter: Do you know what this will do?
Stinger: I don't think that most people--
NC: Oh, my God! How many questions does this bitch have?
Stinger: ...a dangerous human predator called the Sargorn. Obviously before any colonization or resource development could be done safely to your planet, a large-scale extinction...
NC (vo; sighs): You know, this is like instead of experiencing the awesomeness of Lord of the Rings, you're instead forced to hear the appendix throughout most of it.
[Cut to a skit showing Gandalf (played by Rob Walker) reading appendix A part 2 of Lord of the Rings: The House of Eorl, about Helm Hammerhand]
Gandalf: "Helm was brought from the Hornburg and laid in the Night Map." [As he continues reading the book (cannot tell what he's saying), an audience starts to boo] Listen! If you do not stop, I shall be forced to close the book and do something awesome. [The audience cheers. Gandalf chuckles] I wouldn't do that to you. [Resumes reading the book] "When Frodo died, a new line of mountains has begun." [The audience resumes booing]
[Back to the movie, where bounty hunters appear and attack the cabin]
NC (vo): Suddenly, oh, no! Something not talking-related is about to happen!
[Caine, his shirt off, brings out a gun]
Caine: They're here.
NC (vo; as Caine): Take your shirt off and let's get going.
[Stinger begins firing at the aliens as he and Jupiter run]
NC (vo): They try to outrun the intruders by fleeing into the field.
[Jupiter summons the bees to attack the bounty hunters]
NC (vo): Oh, they're in my eyes!
NC: My obviously not royal eyes!
[One of the bounty hunters gets Jupiter with a speed bike. The Rip-Off Sidepot appears in the corner, showing an image of the speed bike from Return of the Jedi]
NC (vo): But they manage to grab her and take her away while... [As the ship flies off, a crop circle is shown on the field. NC sighs in annoyance] So remember, folks, the next time you see a crop circle in a cornfield, it's not a bunch of pretentious attention-seekers who could be doing something better with their time. It's the Wachowskis.
[The ship flies into a new planet filled with large red flowery forests. The Rip-Off Sidepot appears in the corner, showing an image of the flowery forest in Star Trek Into Darkness]
NC (vo): So she's taken apparently to a safe part of "the verse", where the person who demanded her kidnapping seems surprisingly not harmful.
Kalique: I'm Kalique.
Jupiter: Jupiter Jones.
NC: Stop the film! Stop the film. [Puts his hand on his face] She is not named Jupiter Jones. It's impossible. It is actually a mental impossibility for anyone to give someone a goddamn idiotic first and last name like that and expect to be taken seriously! Do you not have that alarm in your head? I don't know if you know this, but every human being has an alarm in their head to prevent something like this from happening. So if you're saying "If you keep boredom typing, oh, I don't know, something like Jupiter Jones...", a little alarm goes off, saying, "FUCKING STUPID! STOP! FUCKING STUPID! STOP!" [Pauses for a few seconds] Hell with it. I'm just calling her Duck Dodgers.
NC (vo): I honestly can take that fucking name more seriously than Jupiter Goddamn Idiot Jones! Unless she's a space cowgirl with a laser lasso riding a rocket horse, that name will never work!
NC: Call me when you name her Mercury Moxy!
NC (vo): So the ruler of this realm tells Duck Dodgers that she is the reincarnation of her mother, and that it's Dodgers' responsibility to be queen once more. There. I said that in one sentence. Why does it take the movie ten minutes to explain that?
Kalique: Genes have an almost spiritual significance. They are the seeds of our immortality. [NC groans in annoyance and lays his head down] When the exact same genes reappear in the exact same order, it is for us what you would call reincarnation. My mother was born before your first cities were built. The difference between us is our knowledge...
NC: This movie is like school. I'm in fucking school!
Kailque: Well, it's common for people in the first estate to leave a trust for any potential recurrence. [NC is now falling asleep and snoring out of boredom] Right now, Balem owns the title to Earth, but once you claim it, the Earth will belong to you.
[The scene pauses as Jupiter starts speaking to NC, who wakes up]
Jupiter: Mr. Critic?
NC: Huh? What?
Jupiter: What did we just say?
NC: Oh, um...government...um...space gargoyles...uh...live long and prosper?
Jupiter: See me after class.
NC: Oh... [Lowers his head down, embarrassed]
NC (vo): They try to break up the scene of it by showing Tatum busting in to save her, but even that doesn't seem to get in the way of their fucking talking!
[Caine arrives and encounters Jupiter and Kalique, while being surrounded by several guards]
Kalique: Well made by the look of it.
Guard: He has contacted the Aegis.
NC (vo; as Caine): Uh, I got a gun.
Guard: They are entering orbit now.
NC (vo; as Caine): Uh, it's pretty badass.
Kalique: Excellent. I have a plan to take you myself.
NC (vo; as Caine): Okay, I killed a lot of guards. In honor of their memory, you should at least turn and acknowledge that I'm here. [normal] Tatum finds out her kidnappers aren't evil, thus him and Duck Dodgers share, what I guess, is a romantic moment, as he talks about his wolf-like qualities.
Caine: I'm a splice. You don't understand what that means, but...I have more in common with the dog than I have with you.
Jupiter: I love dogs, I've always loved dogs.
[NC has grabbed his hat in annoyance, but doesn't lose it]
NC: Not...that I want to rewind anything in this movie, but could we hear that line again?
Jupiter: I love dogs, I've always loved dogs.
NC: [long beat] Okay, this is a new breed of dumb. Like, this is kind of a discovery. If you were to take...
[Photos of M. Night Shyamalan and Uwe Boll are shown. A caption is shown below Uwe Boll saying, "Can't wait for Rampage 3". The poster for this film is then shown]
NC (vo): ...the pretentious awkwardness of Shyamalan and mix it with Uwe Boll's incomprehension of reality, you would have this brand new species of fuckery.
NC: We're tampering with terrible that has never been tampered with before. We are witnessing the birth of new dumb. [beat] It's actually kind of beautiful. Could you say that line again as if you're verifying that you wrote an actual funny line?
Jupiter: I love dogs. [sighs]
NC: That's actually bringing a tear to my eye. Is there a way to put you in a frame, movie?
NC (vo): So you'll be happy to know that all that talking and exposition has been building up to something even more exciting than that: standing in line and filling out paperwork. Yeah, for reals, they have to authenticate her title as queen, which involves them waiting for hours and filling out various forms. Now, to their credit, the scene is more a homage to the sci-fi classic Brazil than it is a rip-off. I know this not only from a similar visual style and tone, but also having its director Terry Gilliam cameo, and even quoting an exact line of techno.
Jupiter: You are in direct violation of statute 27B/ 6.
Sam Lowry: [From Brazil] Have you got a 27B/6?.
NC (vo): But even THAT GOES ON FOREVER! You could practically count your brain cells popping every second it's onscreen!
[The scene is played, showing Caine and Jupiter watching Terry Gilliam's character walk around the library and turning on a machine in a very slow-moving manner. Brain cells from inside NC start popping]
NC: 32. [Pop!] 33. [Pop!] 34.
NC (vo): So she gets her stamp of queeniness...sniff it, it smells like lemon...when Duck Dodgers suddenly realizes...eh, maybe she doesn't want to be queen. Yeah, good timing to come to that conclusion.
Jupiter: I will admit there are things about my life that I would like to change, but that doesn't make me a different person. It doesn't...it doesn't change the things that matter to me, or who I care about.
NC: [As Jupiter] Like cleaning toilets and hating my life.
Jupiter: Is there something happening to you right now? Does any part of you want to bite me?
[NC lowers his head down and groans in annoyance]
NC: You know, Lana Wachowski, now that you've made the transition into becoming a woman, and you've been very brave coming out about it and trying to raise awareness and really standing up for transsexual rights, I mean, good for you, and I really mean that in all honesty, fantastic, wonderful job. You should be very proud. But now that you are a woman...don't you think you could write them a bit better?
NC (vo): I mean, this character has done nothing throughout the entire film! Her biggest contribution so far is asking if she could have a different dress.
Jupiter: Actually, you know what? I'm feeling a little overdressed, so if you maybe have something that I could change into?
NC (vo): She's said nothing interesting, done nothing interesting, she's just a complete and useless tool! All she's done so far is get kidnapped!
NC: Hell, why don't you just have her get kidnapped again? She seems to be really good at that...
[A bounty hunter appears and captures Jupiter]
NC (vo): Are you fucking kidding me?!
[The bounty hunters are led by Stinger]
Stinger: Don't make this harder than it has to be.
NC: Jesus Christ, lady!
NC (vo): Princess Peach is telling you to toughen up! [A picture of Princess Peach's head over Rosie the Riveter is shown] You're being made fun of at damsel parties! [A photo of Lois Lane, Princess Zelda, April O'Neil and Mary Jane Watson at a bar is shown]
NC: (points at a picture of...) Bella is making fun of you! BELLA!!
[The bounty hunter's ship enters Balem's factory in Jupiter's (the real planet) Great Red Spot. The Rip-Off Sidepot appears in the corner, showing an image of the Falcon entering the Death Star in Star Wars]
NC (vo): So, the person who kidnaps her is the brother of the last person who kidnapped her, and they partake in, what do you think? Even more talking! But I know what you're thinking. What the fuck are they gonna talk about now that they've used every word in the goddamn English language?! Eyebrows?
Titus: I was very close to my mother, that I could tell by the way she raised her eyebrows exactly what she was thinking.
NC (vo): That's right! They're so desperate to talk that even fucking eyebrows become a subject matter!
Titus: What makes you think Kailque told you the truth?
Jupiter: Why would she lie?
Titus: Kalique's in competition with Balem.
Jupiter: The same can be said for you.
[A clip from Sideways is shown]
Miles: Shut up! Shut up! SHUT UP! Jesus Christ, man! What the hell is wrong with you?! Please just shut up! [Walks away in frustration] Fuck!
NC (vo): So if I'm following it correctly...hey, give me some credit, it's not the easiest thing to do...he says he can take over her queenly duties if she marries him. (The Rip-Off Sidepot appears in the corner, showing an image of a conversation from The Black Hole) So, it's kind of like marrying her son...that's messed up...not realizing that he plans to kill her after the wedding.
[Caine is shown getting into something mechanical. The Rip-Off Sidepot appears in the corner, showing an image of the robots from Evangelion]
NC (vo): So Tatum has to stop the beautiful love interest from marrying the evil bad guy as he blasts through a bunch of ships to stop the ceremony.
[As Caine stops the wedding, the Rip-Off Sidepot appears in the corner, showing the poster of Wedding Crashers, with the caption "Every Rom-Com Ever Made"]
NC (vo): It's like if Roland Emmerich directed The Graduate.
[Caine points his gun at Titus]
Caine: He was going to murder you.
Titus: I don't believe my mother was ever as beautiful or as gullible as you, my dear.
[A laugh track is heard, before hearing applause, as sitcom music plays. NC shrugs and smiles as a caption is shown saying "Maybe next time"]
NC (vo): Well, that was a complete waste of time. What are we gonna do now?
NC: Okay, I'm just gonna give you a heads-up. You need to be sitting down for this. I'm not even kidding. If you're standing up or you're walking, looking at this on your phone or tabloids or something like this, you need to sit down, 'cause this is actually kind of amazing. It's actually kind of beyond belief what they do next. Are you ready? You're sitting down? You're comfortable? You need a pillow or something? Okay, OKAY. [Clears throat] What did they do next?
NC (vo): The exact same goddamn thing again! By Jesus, I wish I was joking. Honest to cock, it's beyond belief. But they literally repeat the exact same storyline that they just told us! Duck Dodgers again is kidnapped*, a brother of the first kidnapper is again the one that does it, he wants to get his hands on her through some legal ceremony, and Tatum once again has to come in to save her! The only difference is this guy (Balem) wants to destroy all life on Earth and has kidnapped her family to force her to say yes. But aside from that, the following 20 minutes is an exact carbon copy of the last 20 minutes! Oh...my...God!
*(Actually, that first fact is untrue. Jupiter discovered that her parents were kidnapped by Balem, and so, she went to confront him to save them, with Caine and Stinger accompanying her in secret)
NC: I should be angry. I should be fuming with rage that they actually thought they could take the exact same plotline they just fucking gave us and give it to us again, insultingly thinking that we, somehow, wouldn't notice! But at this point, it doesn't matter.
[An image of a shiny castle is shown, before exploding. As NC speaks, a chorus sings]
NC (vo): I'm watching Valhalla fall. It's so grand in its destruction, so puzzling in its death, so divine in its failure, that it really is a mind-blowing spectacle to behold. It is beautiful and heinous all at the same time, an incredible mixture of birth and Armageddon.
NC: All we need to top off this explosion of mediocrity is a performance so bad, it will be our Brynhildr riding the winged horse into the flames. Eddie (Redmayne), will you be our Brynhildr?
Balem: My mother taught me...
Jupiter: Like killing people?
Balem: [Shouts suddenly] I CREATE LIFE!!
[An explosion is shown as NC holds his hands in prayer as the singing chorus fades away]
NC: Thy will is done.
NC (vo): Yep, the majority of this final act all belongs to him, and by God, does he do well at whispering that final nail into position and screaming it down into the coffin. It is quite literally a miracle of bad.
Balem: My mother...made me understand that every human society is a pyramid.
Jupiter: Is that why you killed her?
[Balem becomes angry again and slaps Jupiter in the face]
Balem: HOW DARE YOU?!
NC: [Sighs] You know, as entertaining as he is, I really do have to ask, how could this performance come from an Academy Award winner?
[Eddie Redmayne, played by Doug, suddenly appears, dressed in a Shakespearean outfit and speaking in the same tone as Balem]
Eddie Redmayne: You don't understand, Critic. It's so I could join the League.
NC: The League?
Redmayne: Yes, the League Of Good Actors Who Give One Bat Shit Crazy Performance. (The L.O.G.A.W.G.O.B.S.C.P.)
NC: What? That's a thing?
Redmayne: Oh, yes. Every talented actor has to give at least one totally awful performance in their lifetime. Remember Jeremy Irons from Dungeons and Dragons?
[Jeremy Irons, played by Rob, comes in, dressed as Profion and speaking as him]
Jeremy Irons: I've won so many awards, it doesn't matter what I do! Ya-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta...
Redmayne: Or how about Glenn Close from 101 Dalmatians?
[Glenn Close, played by Tamara, comes in, dressed as Cruella De Vil and speaking as her]
Glenn Close: Oh, it's worth losing your dignity if you get to do an evil laugh. Woof-woof! [Laughs evilly]
[Michael Sheen, played by Jim, comes in, dressed as Aro from Twilight]
Michael Sheen: That's what drew me to it.
NC: Michael Sheen?
Sheen: Only to those who nominated me for Frost/Nixon, but to the rest of the world, I'm that crazy-ass from Twilight who went... [Laughs in a high-pitch tone]
[Frank Langella, played by Malcolm, comes in, dressed as Skeletor from Masters of the Universe]
Frank Langella: Speaking of actors who were in Frost/Nixon...
NC: [Annoyed] Oh, Frank Langella, you're in there, too?
Langella: Yes, in one of my favorite roles, as Skeletor. Because as we all know, the higher the scream, the higher the paycheck!
[Every single actor starts laughing their heads off and doing crazy things as NC rubs his temples in annoyance. Back to the movie]
NC (vo): So Duck Dodgers figures, "Yeah, I can let all humanity die just to save my family. That seems the least selfish.", when Tatum somehow all by himself gets through the most high-tech royal security in "the verse", and even manages to destroy his entire kingdom as well! The power of fucking one, I guess.
[Enraged at this, Balem starts attacking Jupiter by bashing her with a stick]
Balem: Is this familiar, Mother?
NC: Is this a trick question?
[A screaming Jupiter begins to fall from the castle in slow-motion]
NC (vo; sighs): Gee, I'm just gonna take a wild guess and say that Tatum saves her. [That's exactly what happens] Yep. It's okay, though. He wants to take her to yet a fourth sibling who wants to marry her and take control of Earth as well! They're kind of like Starbucks around here.
Caine: You might want to open the door for us or something.
[Eventually, Caine and Jupiter escape from the exploding facility as Stinger watches from his ship (having survived the movie as well!)]
NC (vo): So Duck Dodgers finally decides she can be queen at home while also cleaning toilets...I think the stupidity of that speaks for itself...and look. (as George Bailey from It's a Wonderful Life) Clarence even got his wings.
[The movie ends as both Jupiter and Caine fly around the city]
NC: And I swear to God, not even kidding, there was even more story than that in this film, but I simply don't have time to go over it.
[Clips from the movie are shown as NC gives his final thought]
NC (vo): Yes, a lot of epics have big talks and complicated storylines, but the story of King Arthur works because we see our flaws and strengths in the character. Star Wars works because we like these people and want to see them get through alive. Thus, we’re with them when they’re thrown in these complex and dangerous worlds. Here, you don’t care about anybody, so you don’t care about the backstories or the made-up worlds. It attempts instead to sound big instead of feel big. It tries too hard in lesser areas and not hard enough in the ones that really matter. If there is one thing that’s epic in this film, it’s what an epic disaster it gave us in the end. It really is the Valhalla of botched epic stories.
NC: I'm the Nostalgia Critic, and...I'm off to play Donkey Kong to get a more epic story. [Gets up and leaves] I can at least relate more to him!
[The clip of Balem shouting is shown once more]
[The credits roll]
Channel Awesome Tagline: Jupiter: I love dogs, I've always loved dogs.