(The Disneycember logo is shown, before showing clips from Jungle Cruise)
Doug (vo): Jungle Cruise might be one of those efficient summer blockbusters ever made. That's not at all to say it's anything great. Honestly, I'd argue the script is terrible. But for a Disney action movie based on a ride starring The Rock and Emily Blunt, it gives you exactly what it knows its strengths are, silly action, corny jokes, weird effects, and incredibly charming actors being incredibly charming actors. If I were just to read the script version of this on paper, I would despise this. There is nothing original in it, it's like a mix of The Mummy and Pirates of the Caribbean and every lame jungle B-movie known to man. But the directing, editing, and acting all showcase why these people are directors, editors, and actors. They know how to show you what you want to see, and do it quickly, which is impressive, because this is almost two-and-a-half hours, yet it feels like an hour-and-a-half for how efficiently everybody does their job.
Story[]
Doug (vo): Emily Blunt and her brother are searching for treasure, specifically a tree whose leaves can heal people. Not surprisingly, they can't get much funding for this, because, well, it sounds like a crazy idea, and, gasp! She's a woman! Which, okay, that's not overplayed too much, though The Rock does make ways too many jokes about her wearing pants. But one person who does believe them is this... (Sighs) ...I think German prince, played by Jesse Plemons...I'm really not sure why he's a prince in this, but it doesn't matter, because his over-the-top accent is amazing. The only accent that might be sillier is Paul Giamatti's in this. He owns the boat of The Rock, who gives, you guessed it, jungle cruises. And, yes, just like the ride, he makes a lot of terrible puns, but by God, if there's anyone that can make these terrible puns funny, it is The Rock.
Frank Wolff: I used to work in an arms juice factory, but I got canned. (The crowd on the boat listening to him murmers) Couldn't concentrate. Yeah, they put the squeeze on me, too.
Doug (vo): Blunt tells him that they need to find this treasure. The Rock, of course, agrees, and they come across all sorts of dangers, including the original army of Aguirre, who was looking for the treasure but got turned into...yeah, okay, hand-me-down Pirate characters, but they're very well-designed hand-me-down Pirate characters. Like the Pirate movies, there's kind of a theme to what they're transformed into and it leads to different powers, and, yeah, it's clearly a rip-off, but it's a creative rip-off.
Review[]
Doug (vo): With that said, these are all the typical jungle action cliche tropes that you would see in a Disney movie like this...that's ripping off another one that's based on a ride. But the editing in this movie is so quick and clearly wants to get you to what you paid money for, the jungle, the charming actors, and the goofy action, that it's hard not to be impressed with how much it entertains. If you're looking for actual emotional moments or twists in the film that make you go, "Wow!", or dramatic character moments that really make you think, there's none of that here. But I don't think people wanting to see the Jungle Cruise movie are really looking for that. I almost feel like that's the trap the Pirate movies fell in, like they were trying to get too serious. This isn't serious at all. Even when it's trying to be serious, it's really not. There's a couple of moments where they go into, like, backstory and why people did what they did, and the actors play it very well, they're convincing, but what you're really doing is admiring how seriously they're taking it while questioning, "Wait, there's a million things about this that don't make sense." But you also get the idea that they know that and they're having fun with it. Okay, you remember The Expendables movie, how in the first one, you weren't really sure if it was meant to be a comedy or a legit action film, and then the second one, it gets a little sillier, and by the third one, it's just a straight-up comedy, it's not fun anymore? This kind of walks that tight rope. You can tell they know it's silly, but you can also tell they're aware the joke will work if they treat it seriously. Honestly, it feels like there was just a drop of charm that was in the script, and the director and editor and actors said, "We're gonna do our damnnest to pull out as much of that charm as possible and have it on the surface level", because anything under the surface level clearly isn't gonna work. And for my money, I think they accomplished that.
(Several clips focusing on the film's climax are shown)
Doug (vo): If I did have one problem with the film, it would be that the climax is a little dull. It kind of reminded me of National Treasure, where getting to the treasure was the most fun, and then when you actually got there, it's just in a dark cave and there's not much to see and you were kind of wowed by the stuff earlier that this isn't impressive anymore. It's not awful and doesn't ruin anything, it's just not that interesting.
Final thought[]
Doug (vo): But outside of that, I had a real good time. The pacing of this film and what it chose to focus on honestly reminded me of a family-friendly Edgar Wright. Now that sounds like a huge compliment, but I did still say "family-friendly". There's no edge to this, there's not much variety in this. For example, Edgar Wright would, yes, cut fast, but then have moments where shots would last really, really long, again, to mix it up. This just gives you the quick shots and the actors having fun. But that's exactly what I was looking for, and I think anyone that pays money to see this film are gonna be looking for. I can't act like it's for everyone or that it isn't ungodly stupid, but it was just right for me, and it felt stupid in all the right ways.
(A scene showing Frank's boat heading back to a port in Brazil is shown)