JoJo's Bizarre Adventures Episodes 1-4 (2012-2013 series)

Jojo's Bizarre Adventure Episodes 1-4 (2012-2013 series)
Released	August 21, 2017
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Link	https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=st5I3RqvRPY

Linkara: Hello and welcome to Atop The Fourth Wall, where bad comics burn. And of course, this being a Patreon sponsored review, that tagline does not apply. "Atop The Fourth Wall, where media of varying quality is scrutinized and summarized" doesn't really have the same kind of pithiness, does it?

Linkara (vo): Jojo's Bizarre Adventure began as a serialized manga in Weekly Shonen Jump in 1987, and continues to this day with over a hundred volumes to its name. The story is about the Joestar family all throughout history and their repeated dealings with the supernatural, battling such forces with their own unique powers. Like so many other popular works, it has grown into a large franchise with adaptations including a 13 episode OVA, which strangely enough adapted the second half of a storyline first in the 90s, before in the 2000s, the first half of the storyline was adapted as the second season of it, then released in chronological order for the dub. However, today we are not looking at this out of order anime, but rather the first few episodes of the 2012 anime, which had three seasons.

Linkara: This is one of those episodes where it's really just (finger quotes) "I want Linkara to watch something that he otherwise really isn't interested in" because let's face it, it's not like I'm shining a spotlight on something obscure here.

Linkara (vo): Jojo's Bizarre Adventure is a massively popular franchise. It'd kind of have to be to have over a hundred volumes printed, and you don't see that happening for Steam Detectives.

Linkara: Which it totally should have and I blame all of you for making that not happen!

Linkara (vo): I'm not a huge anime fan, but I know a lot of you out there are and have been eagerly awaiting this episode as indicated in the comments at least, so I'll try my best to do the series justice in this one. Although as a reminder, I'm still gonna be snarky as all hell about it. It's kind of my thing.

Linkara: As such, let's dig into the first four episodes of Jojo's Bizarre Adventure, and see how many memes I end up realizing, "Oh hey, that's where that's from."

(AT4W intro and title card)

Linkara (vo): We begin with "Dio the Invader."

(We cut to a stormy night in England, 1868)

Dario Brando (Tadashi Miyazawa): Ha, ha. Feast your eyes on that wreck, would you?

Linkara: Some poor caption drove off that cliff!

Linkara (vo): What's actually fallen off is a carriage, impaling the driver in some wooden debris. (The driver is shown with wooden spikes coming out the back of his mouth and his chest) Just ouch. I have a wooden block through my face and I must scream, am I right? Aside from another body, who fortunately for him, did not get his nice suit ruined with spikes through him, a baby survived the crash, the mother's body cushioning the impact. Among the two who found the crash, the guy says to leave the baby behind so they can swipe all the valuables off the corpses.

Linkara: Well it's not the best health care system, but at least it's fair.

Linkara (vo): He also finds a briefcase with an odd looking mask inside. He discards it, thinking it won't be worth anything and goes for the guy's teeth. And the dead guy's hand slaps him away.

Linkara: Well the Bizarre Adventure is beginning with zombies, though frankly around here, that's not all that weird. Hell, I reviewed the CDC's plan for dealing with those.

Linkara (vo): Actually the guy's not dead and he explains that his name is George Joestar.

Linkara: Of the New England Joestars, no doubt.

George Joestar (Masashi Sugawara): You have saved my life this cursed night. Quickly tell me your name that I may remember... ...before my senses fail me.

Linkara: Call me Zoosmell Pooplord.

Linkara (vo): The thief introduces himself as Dario Brando and George promises his family will pay back this debt they owe him. And the mask sprouts some legs and jumps up.

Linkara: Okay, we got John Carpenter's "The Thing." Getting more bizarre, I admit.

Linkara (vo): We cut to 12 years later where we see the contrasting lives of these two families. George's son, Johnathan, or JoJo as he's sometimes called, lives a happy life in a mansion while Dario and his son, Dio, live in a crappy apartment where Dario is ill and demanding his son get him some booze. Dio accomplishes this by beating people at chess. Chess... Anyway he beats the guy.

(Dio gets his face slammed into his food by the person he just beat)

Man: Don't feel so smart now, do you, whelp?

Linkara: A typical evening at Denny's.

Linkara (vo): Although I do imagine he feels so smart, dude. After all, he still got your money. Anyway to continue the contrast, Johnathan rushes to the aid of a girl he doesn't know whose toy is stolen by some bullies, and gets his ass kicked, while Dario informs Dio of the debt the Joestars believe they owe him, and thinks they can take advantage of their kindness. Anyway, after Johnathan finishes getting beaten up, the girl tries to help him, but he refuses that help.

Johnathan Joestar (Kazuyuki Okitsu): I spotted a damsel in distress. A true gentleman has no fear. He'll fight for those who can't.

Linkara: And then a gentleman will be a complete jackass afterwards. It's only civilized.

Linkara (vo): After literally spitting on his father's grave for being such a colossal dick, Dio heads off to the Joestar mansion. After the title, we see his arrival.

(Dio jumps out of the carriage, then stands up in an intimidating pose. Linkara shrugs and gives him a 5)

Linkara (vo): Dio is apparently expected and Johnathan introduces himself. Their dog comes running up...and Dio kicks it.

Johnathan: What was that for? How dare you?

Dio Brando (Takehito Koyasu): (thinking) So this is the brat I must usurp.

(Linkara has his fists up like Dio)

Linkara: (thinking): Step 1: Punch his dog. Yes, everything is going exactly as planned.

Linkara (vo): Dio writes it off as being startled by the dog, which George accepts. Dio is welcomed and given every courtesy.

George: Johnathan has lost his mother as well. And you're the same age.

Linkara: Yes, take a look at these two...(Pictures of Johnathan and Dio are shown, showing they look more like adults than kids) twelve-year olds. Precocious little scamps, aren't they?

Linkara (vo): Johnathan tries to take Dio's luggage to help him...and Dio attacks him.

Johnathan: I was only trying to help.

Dio: Don't. (He elbows Johnathan in the gut)

Linkara: Less Dio the Invader and more Dio the Dick.

Dio: In all things that I do, I am number one.

Linkara: Well you certainly are piss, so I'll give you that.

(The family is eating dinner with Johnathan being an utter slob while Dio eats politely)

Linkara (vo): As time passes, Dio becomes more and more favorable to George as Johnathan struggles, the two even getting into a boxing match where Dio knocks him down, deliberately injuring his eye to be more of a prick.

Dio: (thinking) Bit by devious bit, I'll steal the life he was meant to have. By the time we're grown, there'll be nothing left of him.

Linkara: You both look 23!

Linkara (vo): As Johnathan laments how Dio has managed to turn people against him, the girl from earlier, named Erina, leaves him some grapes and we get a montage of the two frolicking, becoming friends, growing closer, et cetera.

Johathan: (thinking) Erina Pendleton. The name is music to my ears.

Linkara: Specifically, it's EDM.

Linkara (vo): Dio, however, decides to intervene on the happy couple and kisses Erina before tossing her into a puddle.

Dio: You thought your first kiss would be JoJo. But it was I, Dio.

Linkara: Oh hey, I finally have context for that "But it was I, Dio" meme! And it's based on assaulting a girl. What?

Linkara (vo): He thinks this will ruin their romance, even if it was forced, but loses his cool when she washes her mouth out with muddy water. Probably tastes better than Dio, too.

Dio: You dare suggest my kiss is something to be washed off! (He slaps Erina across the face)

Linkara: You didn't think a person could find new ways to be human garbage, but it was I, Dio.

Linkara (vo): When Johnathan realizes that Dio did something to Erina, he runs off to kick his ass, and gets Dio's arm literally rubbed in his face for his troubles. However he gets a second wind and brushes off a kick to the head, finally managing to give a satisfying beatdown to Dio. However, some of Dio's blood splatters onto the mask from earlier, now hung on the wall. The mask pops off, but before it can do anything else, George arrives and sends the two to their rooms. Dio, in retaliation for his beatdown, murders Johnathan's dog. However, Dio's not entirely satisfied, realizing that his own anger made him vulnerable to JoJo, and that he'd have to work on it.

Narrator: In the blink of an eye, seven years passed.

Linkara: In the blink of an episode, seven years passed.

Linkara (vo): Heading into episode 2, "A Letter From the Past," we begin in London's East End in 1888. Huh, can't imagine where this is going. Anyway yeah, Jack the Ripper is about murdering prostitutes.

Narrator: However, he was nothing compared to the horror... ...that the feud between JoJo and Dio would unleash upon the world.

Linkara: Wow, that's pretty impressive when some asshole trying to steal a guy's money ends up being worse than an actual serial killer.

Linkara (vo): Episode 2 is where we get the theme song which, I don't know, sounds a bit reminiscent of Cowboy Bebop in places. Admittedly the song has lyrics, but the big horn section opening it up reminds me of it as all. Otherwise the visuals seen are like pulling the characters out of what I presume to be the original manga. It's nicely stylized. I'd like to see this kind of thing done in a series proper and not just for a theme song. Also Fist of the North Star is apparently involved in this somehow.

Linkara: Oh great. Given what happened when I covered that series, I'm betting my YouTube channel's about to get taken down now.

Linkara (vo): Anyway with it being seven years later, Johnathan Joestar has ballooned into a (Robert) Liefeld character. Just saying, compare this physique to something from Youngblood. Still the added bonus of his muscles expanding so much is that while playing football, three guys have pounced on him to keep him from scoring the touchdown, and he's still able to move. Unfortunately four proves to be too much and he has to send the ball away... and over to Dio, who manages to win the game.

Announcer: When JoJo and Dio work together, there's nothing they can't do.

(Ater Johnathan and Dio shake hands, we cut to the same scene in Predator)

Dutch: You son of a bitch! (He and Dillon have a manly handshake)

Linkara (vo): I'm glad they've gotten over the whole "I'm trying to destroy your life to prop myself up" thing. Well sort of. Both think to themselves how they still resent and hate the other, with Dio in particular saying he's ready for the final part of his plan to steal the Joestar fortune. George is ill and Dio is discouraging him from going to the hospital, but JoJo suspects something is afoot, since his dad is only supposed to have a cold, yet it's gotten so much worse.

George: I heard tell of your victory. Stunning bit of teamwork.

Linkara: (as George) Bob Corby would be proud of you both.

Linkara (vo): JoJo has been studying archaeology and has discovered the mask's reaction to blood.

Johnathan: (narrating) But it belonged to my mother, and so having it near is a comfort... ...strange as that may seem.

Linkara: Nothing is more comforting than an ancient mask that looks evil and is designed to sprout ribs around the head of whoever is wearing it whenever blood touches it. That can only result in good.

Linkara (vo): Discovering a letter Dio's father had sent to George that describes the symptoms he had before he died, JoJo realizes that Dio has been poisoning George, indicating that he also killed his own father. JoJo confronts him, but he has no real proof, only realizing the truth of it when he mentions Dario and Dio attacks him.

(Dio punches Johnathan in the face, but he doesn't flinch)

Johnathan: You just gave me all the proof I needed, Dio.

(Linkara has his fist pressed against his face)

Linkara: You've fallen into my elaborate trap.

This guide is not complete. Please finish.