Jingle All the Way
December 30th, 2008
(The video starts off as usual, although NC is holding his head in his hand, upset)
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Well, Christmas is over, Santa has come and I guess I got a little bit of the post-Christmas blues. I mean, 12 months waiting, weeks upon weeks of hoping for the world's greatest Christmas gifts, and what did I get? A Nintendo Wii entertainment system, two fully functional controllers, the latest edition of Super Smash Bros. Brawl... and NO Mario Kart? Suck my candy cane, Santa! That was the cream of the Yuletide crop and you knew it! Instead, what did I get in my stocking? A holly jolly dose of bullshit known as Jingle All the Way!
(Title screen and footage of the film play)
NC (voiceover): The first--and thank God, only--Christmas film to star international punchline Arnold Schwarzenegger. And since I got the post-Christmas blues, you're gonna share this hunk of stinking yellow snow with me!
NC: So, grab your vomit bags and get ready to find "oh, what fun it is to ride" in a horseshit-spewing fuck-ride like this one. Let's take a look.
NC (voiceover): So it starts out with this show called Turbo Man. I'd say it's like Power Rangers for younger kids, but it's more like Power Rangers for retarded kids. I mean, I think this is the film's first big hole. No normal functioning kid would actually watch this intergalactic space crap. I mean, seriously, what kid would watch a show with a flying hunchback sabretooth Care Bear in it? Well, apparently, this kid would, a little boy named Jamie, played by Jake Lloyd.
NC: Jake Lloyd. Hmm. Where do I know that name?
(A poster for Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace comes up with a 'DUN-DUN-DUN' cue. NC screams in fear, runs off screen, and the sound of breaking glass is heard as he jumps out a window. His scream fades in the distance, then he lands on the ground with a thud.)
NC: (from far off) My God, what a tall building!
NC (voiceover): He's upset because his father is a workaholic, played by Arnold Schwarzenegger. I'd just be upset if my father was Arnold Schwarzenegger. But the last straw is when Arnold misses his son's karate graduation. Arnold tries to make it, but is caught in traffic, and is also stopped by the world's oldest policeman.
Howard Langston (Schwarzenegger): Look sir, I'm in kind of a hurry.
NC: Oh, well, if you're in a (mimicking Scwarzenegger's accent) "huwwy."
NC (voiceover): Arnold tries to "huwwy" up but ultimately misses the ceremony.
Howard: I didn't make it.
NC: Thanks... Arnold. I never would've figured that out if you didn't say something. What is this, movies for the blind?
NC (voiceover): (as Howard) I am walking down a hallway. I stopped to catch my breath. I look into empty room with a janitor to emphasize what a douchebag I am.
Howard: I didn't make it.
NC (voiceover): Things don't get much better when his next door neighbor--played by Phil Hartman--starts becoming more fatherly than he does.
Ted Maltin (Hartman): Sorry you missed the karate class today. But don't worry, I got it all on video for you.
NC: (mimicking Ted) Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such horrible Christmas classics as "Here Comes Steven Seagal", "Frosty the Van Damme," and "The Stallone Who Stole Christmas".
NC (voiceover): Arnold tries to apologize to his son, but Jamie's heart has been broken too many times for him to listen.
Howard: Jamie, don't walk away from your fath--! (Jamie slams the door in his face)
NC: (as Howard) You will come to me, Jamie, or I will destroy you! BLAAAAAH!
Howard: (trying to impress Jamie with one of the latter's karate belts) Is this it? Wow. THIS is really cool! What do you think, Jamie?
(Howard wraps the belt around his head, strikes a weird pose, lets out a bad martial arts cry, then pretends to attack Jamie.)
NC: And this guy was a multi-million dollar action star. Life is stupid.
NC (voiceover): But Arnold, still feeling bad, tries to find a way to make it up to his son.
Howard: Is there something really important you've been wanting for Christmas?
NC: (as Jamie) Well, I've always wanted to ruin a Star Wars movie!
Jamie: I'll have the Turbo Man action figure with the arms and legs that move, and the boomerang shooter, and the rock and roar jet!
Mall Santa: (from A Christmas Story): You'll shoot your eye out, kid!
Jamie: Johnny's gonna get one and so is everybody else I know! Whoever doesn't is gonna be a real loser.
Howard: Well, that definitely won't be you.
Jamie: Thanks, Dad! I love you.
NC (voiceover): Aw, materialism brings everybody together. That's what Christmas is all about. There's only one problem, though: Arnold doesn't have the doll.
Liz Langston (Howard's wife, played by Rita Wilson): Which reminds me. You got the doll, right?
(As she ducks her head--for some reason--the camera suddenly zooms towards Howard accompanied by dramatic music.)
Howard: (shocked) The doll?
NC (voiceover): I like how his wife isn't even really acting here. She's just preparing for the world's most unconvincing head duck for the camera.
NC: She does it so fast I wonder if she hits her head on the sink.
Liz: You got the doll, right?
(As she ducks her head, NC adds a loud slam sound effect to seem like Liz banged her head.)
NC: Ooh. That's gotta hurt.
NC (voiceover): I also love this over-the-top expression that Arnold gives that looks like the cliffhanger of a horrible '80s sitcom.
Liz: 'Cause at this point they'd [Turbo Man dolls] probably be impossible to find.
(As the bedroom light is turned off, Howard turns his head to give a comical shocked expression to the camera.)
NC (voiceover, as a sitcom announcer): Uh-oh, how is Arnold gonna get out of this one? Will he have time to get the gift, or will the most implausible and impractical of hijinks ensue? Tune in next time when "Masterpiece-of-Shit Theater" continues. (normal) We find out though that while Arnold has to get the doll, he might miss the Christmas parade that they always go to. But Arnold reassures his son.
Howard: I'll be there. I promise.
NC: Am I the only one who thinks this touching moment looks relatively threatening?
Howard: I'll be there. (low, demonic voice) I promise.
NC: (as Howard) I will eat you, Jamie! Argh!
NC (voiceover): While waiting in line at the toy store, he comes across a mailman who's looking for the same toy, played by the thankfully under-appreciated Sinbad.
Myron Larabee (Sinbad): They spend BILLIONS of dollars on TV advertisement, and then they sit there and use subliminal messages to suck your children's minds out!
NC: If you were somehow blessed with not remembering this early '90s rape of comedy, consider that your own personal Christmas gift.
NC (voiceover): Oh, okay, he's not that bad, but he does seem to have this unique talent of just sucking the comedy out of a scene, even if there's no comedy to be found.
Myron: And then they sit there and make the kid feel like garbage, and you, the father who's working 24/7, deliverin' mail so you can make an alimony payment to a woman that slept with everybody at the post office BUT ME!
NC: Do ya hear the lack of joy and laughter that most people hear when certain comedians are around? THAT is the power of Sinbad.
NC (voiceover): They try and get the doll, but it turns out the store is all out.
Howard: (to a store clerk, played by Chris Parnell) I'm trying to find the Turbo Man doll.
(The store clerk starts laughing hysterically, then turns to another clerk.)
Store Clerk #1: Listen to this. These guys are looking for the Turbo Man doll. (The other clerk bursts out laughing as well, confusing NC) Turbo Man's only the hottest selling Christmas toy ever! (makes goofy face) Duh!
NC: (as the store clerk) And I think I'm having a psychotic episode! Duh! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
(Fed up, Howard violently lifts the store clerks by the collars.)
Howard: (menacingly) Where's your Christmas spirit?
NC: THAT'S the Arnold we all know and love! Now squash their heads like grapefruit!
(Howard puts the clerks down instead.)
NC (voiceover): He spots someone driving away with it, but unfortunately the driver recognizes Schwarzenegger and correctly steps on the gas. Arnold goes from store to store trying to find the Turbo Man, but comes out empty-handed. He takes his frustration out on a cardboard cut-out, as it's the only performance that's more wooden than his.
NC: (as Howard) I will destroy you, cardboard! Raaaaaah! (He tears apart some cardboard.)
NC (voiceover): As if we didn't have enough annoying performances, Phil Hartman comes in again, to put the moves on Arnold's wife.
Ted: It's Christmas Eve and you're slaving over a hot stove, is this the mom of the year or what?
Liz: It's no big deal.
Ted: And modest, too.
NC: (as Ted) You know I'm the antagonist in this picture because all poorly written antagonists always talk in this slimy, over-the-top voice.
NC (voiceover): Things get even worse when Arnold tries to call his wife and instead gets Nasty McJackass [Ted] on the line.
Howard: Ted, I need to speak to my wife.
Ted: I think she's in the shower, Howard. Want me to go check?
NC: (as Howard) Stay away from my wife or I will eat you!
Ted: Your wife's cookies are out of this world!
Howard: Who told you you could eat my cookies?
NC: (as Howard) You stay away from my cookies!
Ted: Oh, these cookies! I gotta get the recipe from Liz.
NC: (as Howard) Stay away from my wife, stay away from my cookies, and stay away from my wife's cookies, or I'll destroy you!
Ted: There's the next batch. Gotta go, Howard!
Myron: Hey, hey, hey! Look who it is!
NC: Oh, good. For a second there, I started tolerating the art of filmmaking.
Myron: You and I, we the same kinda person, ain't we?
NC: Yeah, except he's successful and you're not.
Passerby: They got a late delivery of Turbo Man at Toy Works!
NC (voiceover): GOD!
(They run to the toy store.)
NC (voiceover): At the store, unfortunately, they hand out colored balls that will take place in a drawing that will decide who gets a toy and who doesn't.
Store Manager: For those of you who don't get the toy, we have plenty of Turbo Man's faithful sidekick Booster in stock!
NC: (as Howard) FUCK BOOSTER! GIVE ME THE TURBO MAN, YOU GIRLY MAN!
NC (voiceover): Things get ugly when the mob breaks out and Sinbad steals the ball away from Arnold.
Howard: He got two! He got two!
Man: Get the mailman!
NC: (as Howard) DESTROY HIM! DESTROY HIM THEN EAT HIM!
NC (voiceover): Unfortunately, the ball moves a lot like Flubber as it keeps getting higher and higher the more times it bounces around. It falls into the hands of a... genderly undefinable child, as Arnold roams through the mall's playground to get it back.
NC: (as Howard) Out of my children, or I eat you, I eat you ALL!
(Howard makes his way down a slide into a ball pit, where he comes across the child.)
Howard: Hi, little girl!
NC: Girl! That's what it was.
NC (voiceover): Fortunately, more people recognize Arnold and give him the proper greeting he's used to, which still means no Turbo Man. But hope comes in the shape of a Belushi.
Mall Santa (played by James Belushi): You want a Turbo Man for Christmas?
Howard: Forget it, I'm not gonna sit on your lap.
Santa: That's not my bag.
NC: Hey, a gay joke in a children's film. Merry Christmas.
NC (voiceover): He tells him where he can get a Turbo Man at this sort of underground disgruntled Santa workshop, where they sell hard to find toys at outrageous prices. But Arnold is given a false product as he tries to escape the workshop without paying. But this is harder than it seems as Arnold is confronted by dozens of Santas, killer elves and even a ninja that uses candy canes as nun-chucks.
NC: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Idiot Land, where nothing is too ridiculous or too insulting to anyone's intelligence.
NC (voiceover): Want to see Arnold fight homicidal Santa Clauses with a candy cane? Nothing is too hard for us in Idiot Land! Want to see a musclebound giant hit a little person across the room? In the realms of Idiot Land, anything is possible.
NC: Idiot Land. It's full of... IDIOTS!
NC (voiceover): So Arnold finally escapes and calls his son to let him know the bad news, that not only did he not get the doll, but he probably won't be able to make it to the parade.
Jamie: When someone makes a promise, they definitely should keep it. You know, it's like what Turbo Man says. "Always keep your promises if you wanna keep your friends."
NC: (as Jamie) Yaaaay! I'm acting!
Jamie: What would you know about keeping your promises?! You never keep your promises! You never do anything you say you're gonna do, ever!
(He slams the phone on the receiver and walks away in sadness.)
NC (voiceover): (as Jamie) Well, that just puckers my lips!
Liz: (flatly) Damn you, Howard.
NC: Gee, that wasn't over-dramatic.
Liz: Damn you, Howard.
NC: (overly dramatic) Damn you! Damn you! (his phones rings and he answers it) Hello? (beat) My pizza's gonna be late? (beat, then again speaks overly dramatic) Damn you!
NC (voiceover): Because the pits of Hell decided we haven't suffered enough, we get ANOTHER appearance by Sinbad, as he tries to patch things up with Arnold once more.
Myron: I remember one Christmas I wanted this one special toy. Johnny 7 O.M.A. Gun. You remember those, don't 'cha?
Myron: I still remember the commercial like it was just yesterday.
NC: Gee, would be so kind as to NOT reenact it for us?
Myron: Johnny to Peter, Johnny to Peter, enemy sighted. Roger there, open fire!
NC: Oh, God, I hate you.
Howard: They only make one man army gun!
NC: (overly dramatic) Damn you! Damn you.
NC (voiceover): Wondering how much he's getting paid for this movie, Arnold looks over and suddenly imagines his son having a very similar future.
(In Howard's imagination, Jamie is seen dressed as Myron, carrying a whiskey bottle.)
Jamie: Here's to you, Dad. (he takes a swig from the bottle)
NC: (as Howard) Dear God, my son is gonna grow up to be an unfunny, unsuccessful black man!
NC (voiceover): But the chase continues as they rush into a radio station that apparently gives out the Turbo Man to anyone that can answer a holiday question. But that turns out to be bogus, too. So the police came in--thank God--to try and take him away. Sinbad tries to get out of it by taking one of his packages and pretending it's a bomb.
Myron: Ciao, baby! (runs away as the police figure out how to disable the package)
Officer: You shouldn't mess with that!
Lead officer: Gentlemen...we've been duped.
(As he rips open the package, we cut to outside the building, where an explosion is heard. Howard, who was running away from the building, stops as he is shocked to hear the explosion. Myron, in a different part of the building, appears to have heard the explosion, too.)
Myron: That was really a bomb? This is a sick world we're living in! Sick people!
NC: (chuckling) That's actually kinda funny. Ha-ha, this movie actually had a funny moment in it! Ha-ha! Look, look, I'm smiling! I'm actually smiling! Ha-ha-ha! This movie actually had a really funny scene! (continues laughing)
(Cut to inside the building, where the cops seem to be okay, except for the lead officer, who is charred from the bomb.)
Officer: How many years in the bomb squad?
NC: Ha-ha-ha, no. No, you're ruining the joke! Don't ruin the one funny scene you have in this movie!
(The lead officer falls forward as NC's laughter suddenly turns into rage.)
NC: AAAAHHH!! YOU DID IT! YOU ACTUALLY DID IT! YOU RUINED THE ONLY FUNNY JOKE IN THE MOVIE, YOU JINGLE BALLS OF ASS! DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!
NC (voiceover): Arnold stoops to the ultimate low as he tries to steal a Turbo Man from Phil Hartman's house. But luckily, a psychotic bloodthirsty reindeer hunts him down to make sure he doesn't get away with it.
NC: Hey, don't look at me. I didn't write it.
NC (voiceover): His wife finally decides to take their son the parade, leaving Arnold behind.
Liz: Ted, would you drive us?
Ted: Of course. (Liz leaves and he turns to look at Howard.) You can't bench press your way out of this one.
NC: Arnold searches for the appropriate response.
(A scene from The Terminator is shown, where the titular character uses his Terminator vision to use a selection of responses. It settles on "Fuck you, asshole.")
Howard: (dubbed over by The Terminator) Fuck you, asshole.
NC (voiceover): Oh, it looks like the reindeer is still hungry for Austrian meat! (Howard punches out the reindeer.) Oh, good, what do you think the big witty Schwarzenegger line is gonna be?
Howard: You started it.
NC: What? That's all ya got? Come on, you're Arnold Schwarzenegger! You're a professional at this! There's a million better witty lines you could say, like... (he mocks Howard as speech bubbles are put up over the scene for every line) "No more reindeer games." Or "Hasta la vista, Rudolph." Or, if you're really desperate, "I'll be buck." Just show us that you're trying!
NC (voiceover): So they show up to the parade of the only affordable copyright characters they could get, where Arnold tries one more time to set things right. Here, he's mistaken for a stuntman/actor.
NC: Isn't he already?
NC (voiceover): Where he's slipped into--here's a big shocker--a Turbo Man outfit. I guess it figures. Arnold already resembles an inanimate object that shouts nothing but corny catchphrases.
Howard: (to an actor, played by Curtis Armstrong, who is in a Booster suit) I know you. You're Booster!
Booster: Yeah, and who the hell do you think you are? Mary Poppins?
NC: Ooh, that's an image. Arnold Schwarzenegger as Mary Poppins. (He imagines a still image of Mary Poppins with Schwarzenegger's head pasted over it.) EW! Deleted!
NC (voiceover): Arnold also partakes in, get this, a special part of the parade where he hands out a Turbo Man doll to a special child in the audience. Gee, I wonder who it could be.
Howard: (points toward...) Jamie!
Jamie: (in awe) He knows my name.
NC: (as Jamie) And he has a thick, Austrian accent for some reason!
NC (voiceover): So Jamie marches up there and collects his prize and has the greatest Christmas Day ever.
NC: All right. Yeah, I know the routine, yeah. I'm gonna say something like "Well, that wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I mean it was bad, but it wasn't horrible." And then, the movie's gonna surprise me with the shittiest part of the entire film! Well, I'm not gonna fall for it. Nope. I'm betting you anything that THIS is not the end of the movie.
Howard: Merry Christmas, Jamie.
NC: Nope, nope. Not the end, not the end.
Announcer: Martha, I think Turbo Man has selected a winner.
NC: ...Really? No surprises or anything? No last minute climax, no cheesy over-the-top special effects? Really? Okay, all right. I mean, it's true. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I mean, it was bad but not nearly as horrible as--
Martha: It's Turbo Man's archenemy!
(Myron, dressed as Turbo Man's nemesis Dementor, zip lines down on a grappling hook.)
NC: FUCK YOU, MOVIE! FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU!
NC (voiceover): So Sinbad comes in dressed as Turbo Man's archenemy The Green Dildo.
Howard: Come on, Myron. You're taking this too far!
NC: Yes, listen to the guy dressed up as Turbo Man. He's not taking anything too far.
NC (voiceover): So the boy runs away with the doll as Sinbad tries to get it from him. Everyone applauds as they assume this is all just part of the act.
Martha: This could be the end of civilization as we know it.
NC: Noooo argument here.
Myron: (confronting Jamie) What you gonna do now, kid?
Jamie: Hiyah! (he kicks Myron in the groin)
NC: (as Howard) That's right, Jamie, kick him in the balls. They are man's greatest design flaw!
NC (voiceover): So Jamie actually climbs up a tall building, all because he can't give up his beloved fucking Turbo Man.
Myron: All right, kid, end of the line. Just give me the doll!
NC: (as Jamie) I would sooner die than part with my commercial piece of plastic!
NC (voiceover): Okay, kid, there's liking a toy, and then there's insanely obsessing over a toy! I mean, your life isn't worth it. Just give him the damn plushy, ya little moron! By the way, has anyone noticed this is the longest stopped parade stunt in the history of implausibility?
NC: Well, at the rate this parade is goin', Santa should float by in roughly...12 hours...
Martha: Fly, Turbo Man! Use your jet pack!
(Howard activates the jet pack that is on his person as part of the costume.)
Howard: It's Turbo Tiiiiiiiime! (he flies off with it)
NC: (aggravated) So let me get this straight. A parade which can barely afford what looks like 2 balloons, and only a few copyrighted characters, can afford a fully functional rocket pack that even NASA couldn't perfect yet? IS THERE A NAME FOR WHAT'S WRONG WITH THESE WRITERS?!
NC (voiceover): So he's flying through the city and...
NC: Uh, um... all right, ladies and gentlemen, the film just gave up. It clearly doesn't care about the story narrative or making any semblance of logical sense, so they just said "Fuck it!" and just started showing amusing images that would hopefully entertain your kids. Well, you know what they say: "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em."
(He replaces his usual hat with a pirate hat and starts dancing to "Playmates" from The Addams Family movie, which also plays over scenes from the film, with the words "WE DON'T CARE!" flashing at the bottom of the screen.)
NC (voiceover): Uh-oh, it looks like Jamie is slipping!
(Jamie is hanging from a neon Christmas tree sign and is about to fall off of it.)
Jamie: Turbo Man, help!
NC: (as Howard) Jamie, no! I will have no one to eat for later!
NC (voiceover): So, of course, Arnold rescues the boy and saves the day.
Jamie: Thanks, Turbo Man! I knew you'd save me!
NC: (as Jamie) You're much better than that other over-billed Austrian guy that I look up to!
Liz: Oh, thank you, sir. I don't think you know how much he means to me.
Howard: Oh, I think I have an idea.
Jamie: I wish that Dad could've been here, ya know, to see me fly and all. But he didn't come.
Howard: Your daddy's not mad at you.
Jamie: How do you know all that?
NC: (as Jamie) Yes, do tell, strange, muscle-bound, big-teeth, square-jawed, Austrian-accented He-Man who isn't in any way my father!
Howard: Well, who would know better than... (he removes his helmet to reveal himself) me?
NC: A-ju-ju-buh-wha?! I haven't been this shocked since I found out the secret to living a long-lasting life... was breathing!
NC (voiceover): But, wait. What's little Jamie up to?
Jamie: (to Myron, who is being arrested by cops) Merry Christmas. (He hands the Turbo Man doll over to him.)
Myron: Wow, this is gonna make my son really happy.
NC: (as Myron) Yeah, soon as I'm done serving 5 to 20!
Myron: Sorry about that little tension we had on the roof up there.
Jamie: Hey, it's cool.
NC: (as Jamie) I don't mind that you tried to kill me just to get your hands on a children's possession just to save your own sense of self-worth. For me, that's what Christmas is all about!
Howard: But, Jamie, I thought you wanted this doll more than anything?
Jamie: What do I need the doll for? I got the real Turbo Man at home!
NC: (as Jamie) A Turbo Man who neglects me and puts his work before anything else.
Jamie: That's my dad! That's my dad!
NC (voiceover, as Howard): So long, Jamie! I'm off to neglect you some more! (normal) Wow, I can safely say we've all learned absolutely nothing.
NC: Well, maybe one thing. JINGLE ALL THE WAY CAN JINGLE ALL THE WAY TO HELL! This is the worst Christmas gift since Donald Trump's toupee!
NC (voiceover): It goes against everything Christmas is about, gets soaked up in a festering ball of commercialism, and actually has the balls to actually somehow get Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sinbad in there.
NC: So, Santa, for giving me such a good gift this year, I have just one thing to say to you. You better watch out. You better not cry. You better not pout, I'm tellin' you why. THE NOSTALGIA CRITIC IS COMIN' TO YOUR HOME, BITCH! (He pulls out his gun and cocks it.) I'M RIP ROARIN' PISSED! I REMEMBER IT SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO!
(As we cut to the credits, some bells ring, and Santa is heard "Ho ho ho"-ing, while a knock is heard on the door, then a gunshot is heard and Santa screams.)
NC: And Happy New Year!