Jem and the Holograms

Jem and the Holograms
Duration	30:58
Released	June 14, 2016
Previous	Top 11 Disney Princess Conspiracies
Next	TBA
Link	http://channelawesome.com/jem-and-the-holograms-nostalgia-critic/
Real Thoughts	https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pov0eYE_H8Y

(We open with a parody of the Jem theme song, with NC, wearing a pink shirt and a pink wig, dancing and singing on a stage much like Jem)

NC and background singers (vo; singing): Critic! Critic's excitement

Ooh, Critic

He's flashy and things like that

Fashion, glitter, turning heads and that's really about it

Critic!

He's truly, truly, truly, truly, truly, truly, truly, truly, truly, truly, truly, truly, truly a critic

Critic's my name, as we clearly explained!

(Malcolm and Tamara pop up, also wearing stylish wigs on their heads, like the Misfits)

Singers (vo): Hey, and we're in this! We're in this!

Hey, and we're in this!

(NC pushes them away)

NC (vo): I don't care, cause I'm all those "truly" I mentioned before, a critic!

Critic's my name, did you get that part about me saying, "Critic's my name"?

Critic!

(The song ends, and then we cut to a mansion where NC, Malcolm and Tamara, still dressed, talk with each other)

NC: Well, in our first cinematic motion picture that we're gonna show to the world, yes, we're gonna use our hologram computers to disguise who we really are!

Tamara: Why?

NC: I don't know, but we gotta keep this life-changing technology a secret, and only use it to sing songs and take down other competing bands.

Malcolm: Oh, like the Misfits or the Stingers?

NC: No! And we'll do it while supporting my 12 foster kids!

Tamara: 12 foster kids?

NC: I was very inspired by BrAngelina. And maybe, just maybe, we'll talk about movies.

Malcolm: Well, what are we waiting for?

Tamara: Yeah! Slap that pointless music video credit below and let's get glittering! (That music caption is then randomly shown below)

(NC and the two do a stylish pose, until they suddenly frown)

NC: Um, cut.

(The background image of their mansion is soon replaced with a greenscreen, revealing that the trio were performing a scene in a filming directed by the Analysts (Rob and Malcolm))

Analyst 2: Critic, we told you, you're not allowed to say cut because you're not directing this.

Analyst 1: Yes, the chart made that quite clear. (Brings out a chart saying "Critic No")

NC: I just don't feel like this is what people are gonna be looking for with a Nostalgia Critic theatrical release.

Tamara: Yeah, this isn't really what the show is about.

Analyst 2: Trust me. We worked on the Jem movie.

Analyst 1: Yes, and if there's anything we've figured out, it's that people want adaptations with 80s music, holograms, and truly outrageous adventures.

Malcolm: Are you sure that's not what they just want it for a Jem movie?

Analyst 1: I don't understand. Can you phrase your question in the form of a chart?

Malcolm: Um... (Writes something on a piece of paper and reveals the chart to be saying, "Just wanted a real Jem movie. You're an idiot")

Analyst 1: I can't understand him through his accent.

Analyst 2: Why don't we take a break for all of us to collect our thoughts?

Analyst 1: Good idea! I'll calculate the probability of me relaxing. (The Analysts leave, with Analyst 1 typing on a phone) Ha! Zero.

(NC, Malcolm and Tamara leave the filming room, with NC now dressed in his normal get-up)

Tamara: Does this feel right to you?

NC: I don't know. I mean, the chart says... (Malcolm slaps him in the head) Thank you. (Sits down on his reviewing chair) I mean, if this is what the mass audience wants, we should at least try it.

Tamara: Have you seen the Jem movie?

NC: Well, for the sake of this analogy to work, I'll say no.

Malcolm: Why don't you watch it first?

(Footage of the Jem cartoon is shown)

NC (vo): The original Jem and the Holograms was a slightly dated 80s cartoon. Just, just slightly. It centered around a singer who led a double life, using technology from a supercomputer named Synergy to use holograms in her earrings to disguise herself.

NC: It was... It was Jem. Which is more than I can say for the movie.

(Footage of the movie is shown)

NC (vo): The film is quickly being regarded as one of the worst adaptations of all time. Not only did viewers freak when they saw that the trailer virtually had nothing to do with the original source material, but so few people saw it that it was pulled from theaters in literally two weeks. Two weeks! That's faster than when we figured out Saddam Hussein might be a bad guy! It was ignored by the masses, panned by the critics, and despised by true fans of the original show.

NC: Is it worth all the hatred? Well, spike up your hair and ignore the little voice in your head saying, "This is wrong." This is Jem and the Holograms...

Tamara: Uh, we're still here.

NC: So you are.

(After a pause of the trio staring at each other, NC pulls out his gun, which causes Malcolm and Tamara to leave)

Malcolm and Tamara: Okay. Okay. See you later. Okay. Have a nice review. Bye.

(NC puts his gun down and begins his review)

NC: ...grams.

(The movie starts)

NC (vo): You'll notice that this movie was made by BH Productions. Known primarily for making horror films.

NC: That's so easy, I'm just gonna give you a pass on that joke, movie. But you BETTER have tougher material for me later.

(Cuts to movie)

NC (vo): We open with performer and fame Sharknado star, Audrey Peeple,s playing Jerrica, who is making a video about how she became Jem.

Jerrica: ...my little sister, Kimber. Now you know how people go online and overshare every tiny little detail and your life is just an open e-book for everyone to see...

NC: Yeah. Tell me more about how your sister shares everything in this TWO HOUR VIDEO ABOUT HOW YOU BECAME A STAR. You know what, movie? I'll let this one pass, too. In fact, give me the first hit! You can have the first hit! It's OK! (A hand punches NC's face) Great! Now I have to be relentless on ya!

NC (vo): She lives with her aunt, Molly Ringwald. No, really. Molly Ringwald is in this.

NC: Oh, I'll give you two seconds to let out a little cry.

(He imitates crying for two seconds)

NC: Okay.

NC: ...who has two foster daughters and according to Jerrica...

Jerrica: There's only one missing piece. My dad.

NC: Because in all bad movies, dead mothers don't mean shit!

Jerrica: He would call me his diamond in the rough, or his... gem.

NC: Spelled with a J. He specifically said that every time.

NC (vo): He's working on a device called "Synergy." Yep. That's the super computer from the show.

NC: Don't blink or you'll confuse which one is which!

(The images of both Synergy depictions appear beside him as he talks.)

NC (vo): And by the way, they never do say what he died of, but by looking at his INCREDIBLY deteriorating health, you KNOW it just had to be Broad-Shoulder-Itis. You know, the same that took her mother that doesn't exist.

Jerrica: I still feel like he's with me.

(The film's title screen pops up in the static)

NC: Oh and by the way, that's not the title. They're just reminding you that you ARE watching Jem and the Holograms. You didn't wander into the wrong theater.

(Cuts to movie)

Jerrica: Now, what you're thinking that this many girls under one roof, recipe for disaster, right? Well, if you thinking that, that's sexist and you should be ashamed of yourself.

NC: Yeah. They do non-sexist things, like getting arguments on what clothes to wear.

(The sisters are arguing about the clothes.)

NC: It's almost like a 36-year old man wrote this.

Aja: I don't wanna look like a fashion refugee from 1985!

NC: Let's just measure the frustration of every pissed off Jem fan must be having with, say, a REALLY pissed off Jem fan with her hair serving as a mood ring.

(A drawing of a pissed-off female Jem fan appears on stand by with her hair turning redder and growling the more she gets pissed off.)

NC: Trust me, you're gonna see a lot of her.

(This indicates the Jem Fan meter being an actual evaluation of a Jem fan's frustration. It goes into a fit of rage near the end, but we're not spoiling it right at this sentence.)

NC (vo): But it's okay, because they solve all their problems by humming in harmony. No, really. No matter what the issue is, that always seems to solve everything.

Aunt Bailey: Kimber, hit a C note.

Kimber: Seriously, Aunt Bailey?

Aunt Bailey: Seriously. Let's go.

(Kimber starts off humming the note in question with the rest of the girls following after)

Shana: I know that I messed up and I'm sorry. Come here.

(Shana comes over and hugs Kimber)

(Malcolm and Tamara come in, and he's got a pen coming out of his eye)

Malcolm: Critic, Tamara stabbed me in the eye with a pen.

Tamara: Well you shouldn't have taken the last Diet Coke.

Malcolm: That was my Diet Coke!

(The two go back and forth on arguing MINE! at each other)

NC: Tamara! Hit a C note.

Tamara: What are you talking about? (NC hums the note at her) I'm...I'm definitely not following this. (He hums the note at her again) We should probably get him to a hospital.

Malcolm: I may literally have seconds.

(Blood starts coming out of the pen in Malcolm's eye. NC hums the note at them before the other two finally do the same)

NC: That's more like it. Now get your cult clothes on. (Malcolm and Tamara leave the scene still humming) We're having Kool-Aid tonight.

NC (vo): So they decide to do a music video just for fun and, for some reason, think they're in a found footage movie, because they literally film everything they do.

(Kimber and the girls make a video together using the phone as their camera)

NC: Okay, is it this movie's goal to make every previous generation hate this generation?

Jerrica: How do I look?

Shana: Truly?

Aja: Truly, truly?

Kimber: Outrageous.

(The Jem Fan rage goes up another notch)

NC (vo): But they all want Jerrica to sing.

Jerrica: No, I feel uncomfortable.

Kimber: Come on, J. I need you.

NC: I think you "need" her the same way your (picture of) scrambled eggs need more salt. Kind of, but can live without it.

NC (vo): But things suddenly get forcibly serious when it looks like the house is going to be foreclosed on. I guess it looks like Molly Ringwald doesn't make the best money choices. I mean, she's in this film, isn't she?

Jerrica: Thirty days? That's what they're giving us? There has to be something we can do.

Aunt Bailey: There is. We can be strong for each other.

NC: If there's anything Three Stooges media has taught me, it's that entertainment always saves heartfelt buildings.

NC (vo): So she decides to film a video and, I'm not even kidding, she does that thing where she does the intro like a million times.

Jerrica: (various attempts) I'm gonna play you a song that I wrote. Obviously./Ugh./Oh, hey, I didn't see you there./I need to cut this./Ugh!

NC: Oh, she's shy. The movie's giving you permission to be an egomaniac later because deep down we know you're really shy.

NC (vo): And finally, she disguises herself in a wig and low lighting, calling herself Jem.

Jerrica: (singing) Maybe I'm all alone out here. Nobody's listening.

NC: Christ, am I the only one waiting for a monster to pop up any minute?

(The song continues until a ghost girl pops up on the screen)

NC: That wasn't so scary. (A poster for Norm of the North pops up) Aah! Now that's scary!

Jem: (continues singing)

NC (vo as one of the sisters): WILL YOU SHUT UP?! WE'RE TRYING TO SLEEP!

(Jem shuts off the camera)

NC (vo): Jerrica of course wants to delete the video but her sister uploads it and, LITERALLY goes viral over night.

News Reporter: All the web has been talking about is this video posted by an artist who goes only by Jem.

NC (vo): Somebody on an acoustic guitar singing about how they're alone? I have never seen this online!

Jerrica: Every time I refresh it, it keeps going up.

NC (vo): Even the head of the music label called "Starlight" is wanting to make her a star.

Starlight Agent: Jem, if you're out there, check your inbox.

NC: How do they think this works? If I make a video of myself jerking off and then post it online is someone gonna be like-

(gets interrupted by an open door revealing a snooty British man played by Malcom)

British Man: I want to make you famous.

NC: OH HOW THEY SCOFFED!

NC (vo): But Jerrica is sad that she has a huge money making opportunity laid out for her. Oh poor freakin' baby.

Molly: I think you have the potential to do so much greater.

Jerrica: The version they want... just doesn't exist

NC: Then again, that's most of what the fanbase is saying.

NC (vo): But her aunt convinces her to talk to the agent all while this entirely pointless YouTube video plays.

(A video of a guy on drums is playing while Jerrica talks to the Starlight agent.)

NC (vo): What is the purpose of this? Are they preparing a punchline drum beat when she says she wants to bring her sisters in and their agent writes "bye?"

*rimshot*

NC: Oh wait. I take it back. She doesn't write "bye", she writes "poo".

NC (vo): Sorry, I always mistake "Driver Will Pick Up Everybody In The AM" with "Poo." Why are those two keys always next to each other.

(A representation is displayed as he says sentence two.)

Zipper: Morning.

Molly: Good morning!

NC (vo): So their picked up by a driver/bodyguard.

Zipper: My name is Zipper.

(The Jem Fan rage goes up another notch)

NC (vo): And since you got the feeling you didn't hate the movie enough yet, here's Juliette Lewis.

Erica: Jerrica Benton.

NC: Or is that someone wearing a Juliette Lewis mask? No, that's Juliette Lewis.