(Added in NC's main issue with the movie and his final thoughts) Tags: Visual edit apiedit |
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NC (vo): Yeah, it's so exhausting to have people do your work and put on dresses for you. What are you, 40? But something goes SUCK in the night. |
NC (vo): Yeah, it's so exhausting to have people do your work and put on dresses for you. What are you, 40? But something goes SUCK in the night. |
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| − | <nowiki>*</nowiki>(Transcript's not complete, but |
+ | <nowiki>*</nowiki>(Transcript's not complete, but feel free to edit this whole transcript, because I feel like transcribing NC's biggest issue with the movie) |
NC (vo): But even then, there's one more thing to talk about. |
NC (vo): But even then, there's one more thing to talk about. |
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NC (vo): All they had to do was film themselves saying how much they love Jem the cartoon. |
NC (vo): All they had to do was film themselves saying how much they love Jem the cartoon. |
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| − | Jon |
+ | Jon M. Chu: Tell us what you love about Jem. You can even post pictures of you dressed up as her. Whatever it is, we want to see and hear your passion to the original Jem. |
NC (vo): A good idea, get the buzz going, maybe play it in the end credits or something. |
NC (vo): A good idea, get the buzz going, maybe play it in the end credits or something. |
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Revision as of 07:48, 11 July 2016
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Jem and the Holograms
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Duration
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30:58
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Released
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June 14, 2016
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Previous
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Next
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Link
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Real Thoughts
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(We open with a parody of the Jem theme song, with NC, wearing a pink shirt and a pink wig, dancing and singing on a stage much like Jem)
NC and background singers (vo; singing): Critic! Critic's excitement
Ooh, Critic
He's flashy and things like that
Fashion, glitter, turning heads and that's really about it
Critic!
He's truly, truly, truly, truly, truly, truly, truly, truly, truly, truly, truly, truly, truly a critic
Critic's my name, as we clearly explained!
(Malcolm and Tamara pop up, also wearing stylish wigs on their heads, like the Misfits)
Singers (vo): Hey, and we're in this! We're in this!
Hey, and we're in this!
(NC pushes them away)
NC (vo): I don't care, cause I'm all those "truly" I mentioned before, a critic!
Critic's my name, did you get that part about me saying, "Critic's my name"?
Critic!
(The song ends, and then we cut to a mansion where NC, Malcolm and Tamara, still dressed, talk with each other)
NC: Well, in our first cinematic motion picture that we're gonna show to the world, yes, we're gonna use our hologram computers to disguise who we really are!
Tamara: Why?
NC: I don't know, but we gotta keep this life-changing technology a secret, and only use it to sing songs and take down other competing bands.
Malcolm: Oh, like the Misfits or the Stingers?
NC: No! And we'll do it while supporting my 12 foster kids!
Tamara: 12 foster kids?
NC: I was very inspired by BrAngelina. And maybe, just maybe, we'll talk about movies.
Malcolm: Well, what are we waiting for?
Tamara: Yeah! Slap that pointless music video credit below and let's get glittering! (That music caption is then randomly shown below)
(NC and the two do a stylish pose, until they suddenly frown)
NC: Um, cut.
(The background image of their mansion is soon replaced with a greenscreen, revealing that the trio were performing a scene in a filming directed by the Analysts (Rob and Malcolm))
Analyst 2: Critic, we told you, you're not allowed to say cut because you're not directing this.
Analyst 1: Yes, the chart made that quite clear. (Brings out a chart saying "Critic No")
NC: I just don't feel like this is what people are gonna be looking for with a Nostalgia Critic theatrical release.
Tamara: Yeah, this isn't really what the show is about.
Analyst 2: Trust me. We worked on the Jem movie.
Analyst 1: Yes, and if there's anything we've figured out, it's that people want adaptations with 80s music, holograms, and truly outrageous adventures.
Malcolm: Are you sure that's not what they just want it for a Jem movie?
Analyst 1: I don't understand. Can you phrase your question in the form of a chart?
Malcolm: Um... (Writes something on a piece of paper and reveals the chart to be saying, "Just wanted a real Jem movie. You're an idiot")
Analyst 1: I can't understand him through his accent.
Analyst 2: Why don't we take a break for all of us to collect our thoughts?
Analyst 1: Good idea! I'll calculate the probability of me relaxing. (The Analysts leave, with Analyst 1 typing on a phone) Ha! Zero.
(NC, Malcolm and Tamara leave the filming room, with NC now dressed in his normal get-up)
Tamara: Does this feel right to you?
NC: I don't know. I mean, the chart says... (Malcolm slaps him in the head) Thank you. (Sits down on his reviewing chair) I mean, if this is what the mass audience wants, we should at least try it.
Tamara: Have you seen the Jem movie?
NC: Well, for the sake of this analogy to work, I'll say no.
Malcolm: Why don't you watch it first?
(Footage of the Jem cartoon is shown)
NC (vo): The original Jem and the Holograms was a slightly dated 80s cartoon. Just, just slightly. It centered around a singer who led a double life, using technology from a supercomputer named Synergy to use holograms in her earrings to disguise herself.
NC: It was... It was Jem. Which is more than I can say for the movie.
(Footage of the movie is shown)
NC (vo): The film is quickly being regarded as one of the worst adaptations of all time. Not only did viewers freak when they saw that the trailer virtually had nothing to do with the original source material, but so few people saw it that it was pulled from theaters in literally two weeks. Two weeks! That's faster than when we figured out Saddam Hussein might be a bad guy! It was ignored by the masses, panned by the critics, and despised by true fans of the original show.
NC: Is it worth all the hatred? Well, spike up your hair and ignore the little voice in your head saying, "This is wrong." This is Jem and the Holograms...
Tamara: Uh, we're still here.
NC: So you are.
(After a pause of the trio staring at each other, NC pulls out his gun, which causes Malcolm and Tamara to leave)
Malcolm and Tamara: Okay. Okay. See you later. Okay. Have a nice review. Bye.
(NC puts his gun down and begins his review)
NC: ...grams.
(The movie starts)
NC (vo): You'll notice that this movie was made by BH Productions, known primarily for making horror films.
NC: That's so easy, I'm just gonna give you a pass on that joke, movie. But you BETTER have tougher material for me later.
(Cuts to movie)
NC (vo): We open with performer and fame Sharknado star, Audrey Peeples, playing Jerrica, who is making a video about how she became Jem.
Jerrica: ...my little sister, Kimber. Now you know how people go online and overshare every tiny little detail, and your life is just an open e-book for everyone to see...
NC: Yeah. Tell me more about how your sister shares everything in this TWO HOUR VIDEO ABOUT HOW YOU BECAME A STAR. You know what, movie? I'll let this one pass, too. In fact, give me the first hit! You can have the first hit! It's OK! (A hand punches NC's face) Great! Now I have to be relentless on ya!
NC (vo): She lives with her aunt, Molly Ringwald. No, really. Molly Ringwald is in this.
NC: Oh, I'll give you two seconds to let out a little cry.
(He imitates crying for two seconds)
NC: Okay.
NC: ...who has two foster daughters and, according to Jerrica...
Jerrica: There's only one missing piece. My dad.
NC: Because in all bad movies, dead mothers don't mean shit!
Jerrica: He would call me his diamond in the rough, or his... gem.
NC: Spelled with a J. He specifically said that every time.
NC (vo): He's working on a device called "Synergy." Yep. That's the super computer from the show.
NC: Don't blink or you'll confuse which one is which!
(The images of both Synergy depictions appear beside him as he talks.)
NC (vo): And, by the way, they never do say what he died of, but by looking at his INCREDIBLY deteriorating health, you KNOW it just had to be Broad-Shoulder-Itis. You know, the same that took her mother that doesn't exist.
Jerrica: I still feel like he's with me.
(The film's title screen pops up in the static)
NC: Oh, and by the way, that's not the title. They're just reminding you that you ARE watching Jem and the Holograms. You didn't wander into the wrong theater.
(Cuts to movie)
Jerrica: Now, what you're thinking that this many girls under one roof, recipe for disaster, right? Well, if you thinking that, that's sexist and you should be ashamed of yourself.
NC: Yeah. They do non-sexist things, like getting arguments on what clothes to wear.
(The sisters are arguing about the clothes.)
NC: It's almost like a 36-year old man wrote this.
Kimber: I don't wanna look like a fashion refugee from 1985!
NC: Let's just measure the frustration of every pissed off Jem fan must be having with, say, a REALLY pissed off Jem fan with her hair serving as a mood ring.
(A drawing of a pissed-off female Jem fan appears on stand by with her hair turning redder and growling the more she gets pissed off.)
NC: Trust me, you're gonna see a lot of her.
(This indicates the Jem Fan meter being an actual evaluation of a Jem fan's frustration. It goes into a fit of rage near the end, but we're not spoiling it right at this sentence.)
NC (vo): But it's okay, because they solve all their problems by humming in harmony. No, really. No matter what the issue is, that always seems to solve everything.
Aunt Bailey: Kimber, hit a C note.
Kimber: Seriously, Aunt Bailey?
Aunt Bailey: Seriously. Let's go.
(Kimber starts off humming the note in question with the rest of the girls following after)
Shana: I know that I messed up and I'm sorry. Come here.
(Shana comes over and hugs Kimber)
(Malcolm and Tamara come in, and he's got a pen coming out of his eye)
Malcolm: Critic, Tamara stabbed me in the eye with a pen.
Tamara: Well, you shouldn't have taken the last Diet Coke.
Malcolm: That was my Diet Coke!
(The two go back and forth on arguing MINE! at each other)
NC: Tamara! Hit a C note.
Tamara: What are you talking about? (NC hums the note at her) I'm...I'm definitely not following this. (He hums the note at her again) We should probably get him to a hospital.
Malcolm: I may literally have seconds.
(Blood starts coming out of the pen in Malcolm's eye. NC hums the note at them before the other two finally do the same)
NC: That's more like it. Now get your cult clothes on. (Malcolm and Tamara leave the scene still humming) We're having Kool-Aid tonight.
NC (vo): So they decide to do a music video just for fun and, for some reason, think they're in a found footage movie, because they literally film everything they do.
(Kimber and the girls make a video together using the phone as their camera)
NC: Okay, is it this movie's goal to make every previous generation hate this generation?
Jerrica: How do I look?
Shana: Truly?
Aja: Truly, truly?
Kimber: Outrageous.
(The Jem Fan rage goes up another notch)
NC (vo): But they all want Jerrica to sing.
Jerrica: No, I feel uncomfortable.
Kimber: Come on, J. I need you.
NC: I think you "need" her the same way your (picture of) scrambled eggs need more salt. Kind of, but can live without it.
NC (vo): But things suddenly get forcibly serious when it looks like the house is going to be foreclosed on. I guess it looks like Molly Ringwald doesn't make the best money choices. I mean, she's in this film, isn't she?
Jerrica: Thirty days? That's what they're giving us? There has to be something we can do.
Aunt Bailey: There is. We can be strong for each other.
NC: If there's anything Three Stooges media has taught me, it's that entertainment always saves heartfelt buildings.
NC (vo): So she decides to film a video and, I'm not even kidding, she does that thing where she film the intro like a million times.
Jerrica: (various attempts) I'm gonna play you a song that I wrote. Obviously./Ugh./Oh, hey, I didn't see you there./I need to cut this./Ugh!
NC: Oh, she's shy. The movie's giving you permission to be an egomaniac later because deep down we know you're really shy.
NC (vo): And finally, she disguises herself in a wig and low lighting, calling herself Jem.
Jerrica: (singing) Maybe I'm all alone out here. Nobody's listening.
NC: Christ, am I the only one waiting for a monster to pop up any minute?
(The song continues until a ghost girl pops up on the screen)
NC: That wasn't so scary. (A poster for Norm of the North pops up) Aah! Now that's scary!
Jem: (continues singing)
NC (vo, as one of the sisters): WILL YOU SHUT UP?! WE'RE TRYING TO SLEEP!
(Jem shuts off the camera)
NC (vo): Jerrica, of course, wants to delete the video, but her sister uploads it, and it LITERALLY goes viral over night.
News Reporter: All the web has been talking about is this video posted by an artist who goes only by Jem.
NC (vo): Somebody on an acoustic guitar singing about how they're alone? I have never seen this online!
Kimber: Every time I refresh it, it keeps going up.
NC (vo): Even the head of the music label called "Starlight" is wanting to make her a star.
Starlight Agent: Jem, if you're out there, check your inbox.
NC: How do they think this works? If I make a video of myself jerking off and then post it online, is someone gonna be like-
(He gets interrupted by an open door revealing a snooty British man played by Malcolm)
British Man: I want to make you famous.
NC: OH, HOW THEY SCOFFED!
NC (vo): But Jerrica is sad that she has a huge money making opportunity laid out for her. Oh poor freakin' baby.
Molly: I think you have the potential to do so much greater.
Jerrica: The version they want... just doesn't exist.
NC: Then again, that's most of what the fanbase has been saying.
NC (vo): But her aunt convinces her to talk to the agent all while this entirely pointless YouTube video plays.
(A video of dueling drummers is playing while Jerrica talks to the Starlight agent.)
NC (vo): What is the purpose of this? Are they preparing a punchline drum beat when she says she wants to bring her sisters in and their agent writes "bye?"
(A rimshot is heard)
NC: Oh, wait. I take it back. She doesn't write "bye", she writes "poo".
NC (vo): Sorry, I always mistype "Driver will pick everyone up in the AM" with "Poo." Why are those two keys always together?
(A representation is displayed as he says sentence two.)
Zipper: Morning.
Aunt Bailey: Good morning!
NC (vo): So their picked up by a driver/bodyguard.
Zipper: My name is Zipper.
(The Jem Fan rage goes up another notch)
NC (vo): And since we got the feeling you didn't hate the movie enough yet, here's Juliette Lewis.
Erica: Jerrica Benton.
NC (vo): Or is that someone in a Juliette Lewis mask?
NC: No, no, that's her.
NC (vo): She plays Erica, the owner of Starlight Studios who's supposed to hammer in the message that big artistic corporations are bad. A special thanks to this big artistic corporate film for telling us that.
Erica: Which reminds me, Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr, all of that. Until further notice, none of it.
(The girls' heads explode as if their minds are blown)
NC: Ooh, sorry. I just assume that's what happens when you tell a Millennial that.
NC (vo): Hard as it may seem to believe, this movie has a clothing montage. I know. I so rarely see them, too. But if Erica's gonna turn them into the Jonas Sisters, she has a lot of work ahead of her. But it's okay, because she has an intern/son named Rio (the Fan Rage goes up another notch) who's been hired to keep an eye on them.
Rio: This is Starlight Mansion. Your room is upstairs.
(A slo-mo shot of the girls passing through a corridor is shown, the girls looking amazed at the curtains)
Rio: This is your room.
NC: No, no, what was that slo-mo curtain thing? You're in a mansion and you focus on them being amazed by the curtains? What's the matter with you?
Kimber: Is anyone else so tired they can't take their shoes off?
??? [name needed]: I'm so tired I can't even try my new shoes on.
NC (vo): Yeah, it's so exhausting to have people do your work and put on dresses for you. What are you, 40? But something goes SUCK in the night.
*(Transcript's not complete, but feel free to edit this whole transcript, because I feel like transcribing NC's biggest issue with the movie)
NC (vo): But even then, there's one more thing to talk about.
NC: I wanted it saved until the end, because it's a pretty big deal.
NC (vo): You're probably wondering, outside of giving us an insultingly weak story and characters, explaining how to not be a corporate sellout while being one of the biggest corporate sellouts of all time, and having virtually nothing to do with the show whatsoever, how can they possibly insult the fans even further?
NC: Well, you see, the makers of this movie actually offered the fans a chance to be in the movie.
(Footage of a video showing the makers of the movie is shown)
NC (vo): All they had to do was film themselves saying how much they love Jem the cartoon.
Jon M. Chu: Tell us what you love about Jem. You can even post pictures of you dressed up as her. Whatever it is, we want to see and hear your passion to the original Jem.
NC (vo): A good idea, get the buzz going, maybe play it in the end credits or something.
NC: But that's not what they do. They take the footage of the fans saying how much they love the cartoon, and they edit it to look like they're talking about the Jem from the movie...
NC (vo): ...a movie nobody had seen by that point and has little to do with the show they love. But now, it looks like they're praising the hell out of it.
(Footage of the fans' videos are shown)
Fan #1: I struggled with...my ideas of beauty.
Fan #2: She stands out in a very humble way.
Fan #3: Jem inspired me.
Fan #4: I just want to say thank you for that.
(Now we cut to the live-action Jem and the Holograms performing in concert)
NC (vo): Wow. That is low.
NC: Oh, you like the cartoon? (Footage of the fan videos) You think she's truly outrageous? Well, this is what you were talking about the whole time! (Shows footage from the movie) Yeah, yeah! This is Jem! You said it!
Fan #4: She basically taught me that it's okay to be who you are and not to be afraid.
Fan #5: I'm not invisible, that I have a voice.
NC: Oh, you felt a strong, emotional bond? Well, that's not the cartoon! It's this Jem! (Shows movie footage) This is the Jem you felt a strong, emotional bond for! This is like asking people to make videos saying why they love (poster of...) Star Wars, and then suddenly editing it to make it look like you're talking about (poster of...) The Phantom Menace!
NC (vo): It's not just cruel, it's a slap in the friggin' face!
NC: What makes it even funnier is how lazy it is. (We see more fan videos, giving us more clues as to what the fans were talking about) Not only do they have the text of the cartoon all over their stuff, not only are they dressed up like the cartoon characters and not the movie, BUT YOU CAN SEE THE CARTOON PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND!
(One fan video is shown, showing a fan dancing to the cartoon playing on the TV behind him)
NC (vo): Yeah! They just left that in! It's so clear what they're talking about! How amazingly lazy can you get?!
(The Jem Fan rage finally reaches its full power, causing the fan to scream in rage and explode)
NC: People, as someone that didn’t watch Jem growing up and only kind of saw it once in a while and passing, even I can say...this movie’s an insult.
(Footage of the movie is shown as NC goes to closing thoughts)
NC (vo): It goes out of its way to piss you off in every conceivable fashion. It doesn’t work as a standalone film, it doesn’t work as an adaptation, the choices make no sense, and it does everything in its power to make sure the fans will hate it. Look, I’m not gonna act like I enjoyed this stupid cartoon. We all had our shows that only existed to sell toys. (Images of He-Man, G.I. Joe, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and Pokemon are shown) I had mine, you had yours, and that’s fine. But there’s a definite audience that grew up with this, and while I know there has to be changes when adapting a show to film, there is absolutely no respect and no love for any of the people that grew up with it.
NC: Say what you want about Transformers (The poster for Transformers: Dark of the Moon is shown), but it had Transformers. This has no Jem...and they’re strangely proud of that.
NC (vo): While I admit it is kind of funny just what a reckless sellout it is, it does cross a sort of line when it’s taking fans of the show and manipulating their footage to represent something that they know they’re gonna hate. It not only feels forced and stupid, it just feels…wrong.
*(Transcript is not complete)