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Jealous
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Date Aired
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February 16, 2014
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Running Time
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14:06
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Todd plays "Jealous" on the piano
NICK JONAS - JEALOUS
A pop song review
Todd: Okay, so uh...we need to talk about this.
- Clip of "Jealous"
Todd (VO): So, you know how there used to be this...
- Clips of The Jonas Brothers
Todd (VO): ...teen boy band, and they were all brothers, and they were disgustingly wholesome, and very outwardly religious, like most people knew that about them before anything else? They were very, very white and very religious? Okay, well, what would [back to "Jealous"] happen if, all of a sudden, the lead singer of the band became an adult and decided he wanted to be this grown-up, sexy, pop heartthrob, and he actually made himself over like that and put himself out there and, against all odds, people started actually buying it and made him a hit?
Todd: Imagine that. Well, I can imagine it, because it actually happened. This song exists, and the song I'm talking about is, of course, the big comeback single from...
- Clip of "Soldier of Love" by...
Todd (VO): ...Donny Osmond, "Soldier of Love," from 1989.
- Donny: You heard that I'm a rebel, with a heart made of stone.
Todd: Ha-ha, what the hell? People actually bought this?
Todd (VO): People actually bought [single cover of "Too Young"] all grown up non-child star Donny Osmond as like this hot sexy pop star? How the hell did that happen?
- Donny: I am willing to fight, 'cause I'm a soldier of love.
Todd (VO): I could talk about this weird blip of music history forever, and I wish I could because I know a whole lot about Donny Osmond. And I actually know very little about...
Todd: ...Nick Jonas or the Jonas Brothers, who I'm supposed to be talking about.
- Clips of the Jonas Brothers
Todd (VO): Look, I'm trying to catch up, but the Jonas Brothers were one of those pop culture phenomena that I missed completely. Yeah, they were like a lot of teen pop acts in that they were huge, hot music superstars who were weirdly easy to ignore, even if you listened to a lot of pop music like I did. I knew they were religious, and Disney owned their souls and [Clip of Mickey Mouse kicking Joe Jonas in the South Park episode "The Ring"] bodily organs.
- Clip of "When You Look Me in the Eyes"
Todd (VO): I guess I heard this song once or twice. I think I thought it was a Shania Twain song. I've gone back and listened to them--they're okay. I would have been fine if they'd stuck around. I mean, [clip of "Thinking 'Bout Something" by...] Hanson evolved into a pretty good rock band--they could have, too.
Todd: But there are many ways to age into adulthood.
Todd (VO): Gracefully like Hanson, [news footage of...] completely disastrously like Lindsay Lohan, [clip of trailer for Spring Breakers] or the high risk, high reward approach favored by former Disney stars.
Todd: "Look at me, I'm sexy and adult and shit."
- Clips of High School Musical and shirtless Zac Efron
Todd (VO): Yes, that happens to the male teenage idols just as often as the female ones. Usually, it just happens more smoothly, so you don't notice it. But of course, sometimes you do.
Todd: And you don't even have to be a kid to have this happen to you. Being forced against your will to be squeaky clean does weird things to your brain.
- Clips of Full House - "D.J.'s Very First Horse"...
- Danny (Bob Saget): Guys, please get this thing outside. I can't believe this. I just vacuumed in here.
{ten years later}
- ...and The Aristocrats
- Bob Saget: ...diarrhea starts squirting out of his ass. It won't stop. It's like a hemorrhaging shit-ass.
Todd: If you think that's any different than Miley twerking on Robin Thicke, think again.
- Video for "Jealous"
Todd (VO): So, Nick Jonas's approach to his young adulthood is the Marky Mark approach. Leather jacket, [picture of Nick showing his...] abs. [Two more pictures] Girl, look at that body. I work out.
Todd: Still has a face like a character from [picture from...] Antz, but you know, I'm not the demographic he's trying to impress, so whatever.
- Nick Jonas: You're too sexy, beautiful
- And everybody wants a taste
Todd (VO): He's also changed direction musically. He's not doing teeny bop pop-rock anymore now, he's all R&B. Is...is he pulling it off? Honestly, uh, I wasn't impressed at first, but uh...I don't know, performance-wise I think the kid is growing on me.
- Nick: I wish you'd save a little bit just for me
Todd (VO): See, it treads the whole hearthrobb line without going too far. Which...
Todd: ...he was apparently tempted to do.
- Cover art of the remix featuring Tinashe
- Nick: You're too fucking beautiful
- And everybody wants your sex
Todd: ...Yeah. Think he might have also wanted to [clip of Miley Cyrus'...] ride on a wrecking ball naked and they wouldn't let him. But yeah, he doesn't...
Todd (VO): ...take it too far, which is good. But more importantly, well...
Todd: Let's go back to Donny for a second.
Todd: Well...that concludes the style portion of the review. Now let's talk about content.
- Nick: I don't like the way he's looking at you
- I'm starting to think you want him too
Todd (VO): If the whole point of this song is to introduce us to the whole new "aggressively sexual" Nick Jonas, this is a weird song to do it with!
- Nick: I turn my chin music up
- And i'm puffing my chest
Todd (VO): Like, the point is that he gets jealous and stupid. It's an apology song. That's kind of a tough subject to try and flex to!
Todd: [in a bad boy voice] Hey, girl. How'd you like to get with an idiot who can't control his emotions and will embarrass you in public? Awww yeah.
Todd (VO): I can't think of anything less attractive than jealousy. Envy is one of the deadly sins. Deadly sins are supposed to be fun! I would happily [picture of a board showing the seven deadly sins, pointing to each of them as he mentions them] lust, wrath, pride, glutton and greed all day long! Or at least I would, if I weren't so goddamn [pointing to "sloth"] lazy! But envy? No one enjoys that! It's a pain in the ass for everyone involved!
Todd: And...and just speaking as a guy? I don't relate to what Nick's dillema is here.
Todd (VO): I-I don't understand jealousy. Why the hell would you even bother? I don't get it. N-not to brag, but, i'm not a jealous guy. I've never been jealous.
Todd: I have risen above that particular character flaw by one, not caring about anyone but myself, and two, not understanding even the basics of human interaction. ...Probably why i've been cheated on multiple times!
[cut to Todd playing a video game on his Xbox]
Todd: Hey...I was wondering if um, you wanted to catch a movie with me later, and um...Oh. You're hanging out with your ex-boyfriend. Again. Gosh, it's so cool that you guys are close and so immature of you! Okay, talk to you later. [Gets back to game] Do-d-do-d-do-d-do-d-do...
[Back to piano]
Todd: So, yeah. I can probably stand to be a little more suspicious than I am. But still, that doesn't make jealousy any more attractive.
Todd (VO): I mean, who acts like that? I can think of other songs about jealousy, but they're not hot.
- Brief clips of "Jealous Guy" by...
- John Lennon: I didn't want to hurt you
Todd (VO): John Lennon, he's, you know, sad and apologetic and humble... [and "Blank Space" by...] Taylor Swift is like, this psycho demon hell-piece... You know, it doesn't work, right?
Todd: Then again, I have distinct memories of [clip of "Confessions - Part II" by...] Usher confessing to a girl how many times he's cheated on her - while dancing - and stripping. It was one of the most ridiculous things i've ever seen. But apparently, it only made him hotter! And the lesson I took from that is, girls really like it when a guy can be honest and admit their mistakes. [another brief clip of "Confessions - Part II"] And that a six-pack doesn't hurt. I need to do more sit-ups. But yeah, I can see how being open about his jealousy issues could actually be attractive, and we all have baggage, no one's perfect.
Todd (VO): He's just explaining what goes through his mind when he gets like this. He puffs his chest up, he turns his cheek music up...
Nick: I turn my chin music up
And i'm puffing my chest
Todd (VO): Actually, is that line "cheek music up" or "I turn my cheek, music up"?
Nick: I turn my chin music up
Todd: Neither of those actually make sense. Wait, what is that line? [picture of a snippet of the song's page on genius.com, which has the Pre-Chorus and shows that the lines are "I turn my chin music up / And i'm puffing my chest"] Chin music? [Clip from WWE where one wrestler throws a chair at another] I don't know what Jonas thinks that phrase means, but he's probably wrong. But anyway...
Todd (VO): ...the point is, he talks about puffing his chest, his face turning red, so...you know what, he knows. He's making himself look stupid. He knows that. He knows that none of this is her fault.
Nick: It's not your fault that they hover
I mean no disrespect
Todd (VO): Yeah, this is his problem, not hers. See? He gets it.
Nick: It's not your fault that they hover
I mean no disrespect
It's my right to be hellish
I still get jealous
Todd: [sits there quietly for about five seconds and looks down before putting his hands on his head and then holding them out, being taken aback realizing what he's just heard] WHOA!
Todd (VO): WHOA... WHOA, WHOA WHOA, hold on...
Todd: [puts his finger on the piano board] Back up!
Nick: It's my right to be hellish
Todd (VO): Did he seriously just say that he has the right to be hellish?! The right...to be "hellish"?
Todd: Holy crap! That is... Well, it's a terrible rhyme for one.
Todd (VO): I mean, that was just very clunky and forced. I...that could have been written so much more smoothly. I don't-I don't like how that lyric was constructed at all.
Todd: More importantly...
Nick: It's my right to be hellish
Todd (VO): No! No! You do not have the right to be hellish!
Transcript in progress