And now it's time for "Bum Reviews" with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: "Jackass 3D."
OH MY GOD, this is the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life!
I'm Chester A. Bum, and this is spoilers!
There's this movie called "Jackass."
And everybody thought it was gonna bomb!
And it bombed all right...as in, bombed box office records!
...That means it did good.
And so, they made a sequel, and everybody thought it was gonna bomb.
But it bombed...what everybody thought was going to happen!
That also means it did good.
And now the third movie is out, and everybody's like, "What else is showing this weekend?"
"A Bruce Willis action film."
(Gasps, pointing up finger)
"...With Helen Mirren and John Malkovich."
(drops finger) "Okay, 'Jackass' wins."
So, in all likelihood, this movie's gonna be a huge hit.
Which is...kind of surprising, because the plot is very hard to follow.
Apparently it's these mentally handicapped guys who are trying to find the meaning of life by constantly hurting each other!
I did that once!
So all these guys get together and do these incredible stunts!
Like playing baseball with their penises, getting trampled by a buffalo, farting out bubbles, and running through an obstacle course of tasers!
Big deal! That's what me and my bum friends do every week!
Except the tasers are usually from the police, and I have no bum friends.
But that doesn't stop me from participating anyway! I always win!
And the prize is a silent void of emptiness. (looks down sadly)
So this is the first "Jackass" movie to be shot in 3D.
And it's awesome!
I've always wanted to see all that urine and feces flying out at you.
Now you know what I see pretty much every day!
Those Cub Scouts can be so mean.
And what I like about the movie is that it actually lives up to its title.
The first two films didn't have any jackasses in it!
If a movie is called "Jackass," I expect to see donkeys!
And this film actually has one!
You see, they actually try to pin the tail on a donkey...on a donkey!
I tried pinning the tail on a real donkey once!
He died of cancer.
So a lot of you are probably wondering why these people hurt themselves so much and laugh at the end.
Well, because they're masochists!
That's right! The guys from "Jackass" are masochists!
They don't show it, but every single time they're done with a stunt, they go into the corner and start jerking off. (makes jerking off motion)
Wait, maybe they do show that.
But it's shown out of context!
So, seeing how these films are always really big hits, I was thinking maybe they could do some crossovers!
Like maybe "The Sound of Music" meets "Jackass"!
(sings) The hills are aliv-- (Is punched out)
Or maybe "Gone With The Wind" meets "Jackass"!
Frankly my dear, I don't give a flying dildo. Oh hey, a flying dildo! (Is knocked out)
Or maybe "Pride and Prejudice" meets "Jackass"!
...Um... *waves* Hi. (Is punched out)
The possibilities are endless!
So as you can tell, "Jackass 3D" is a really, really good movie.
But I say why not push it a step further!
Let's go "Jackass 4D"!
Literally have feces and urine flying out at the audience!
It's okay. I'll provide the feces and urine!
I breed them on a farm.
And maybe then the "Jackass" crew will finally let me be a part of their team!
I've been sending you so many videos! How come you haven't responded back?
I know the videos say don't attempt any of the stunts. That's why I'd create new stunts!
Like setting myself on fire and jumping on a trampoline!
I called it "Me Setting Myself On Fire While Jumping On A Trampoline!"
And all I ever got back was one stinkin' letter saying seek out this guy named mental help.
Who is this mental help guy anyway?
Hey, if someone can make millions of dollars by hurting themselves and making people laugh, I think America needs to seek this mental help guy!
Or maybe mental help should just give up and have some fun.
Either way, here's to not being influenced by what I watch! (Punches himself out)
This is Chester A. Bum saying CHANGE?! Ya got change?! Aw c'mon, help a guy out, will ya?! C'mon, change!
Well, at least help me join the "Jackass" team! Just the smell of me is gonna make them vomit!