Jack and Jill

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April 10, 2018
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(The Channel Awesome logo is displayed, followed by the title sequence. We open on the usual shot of the NC's chair, but he's missing. Malcolm and Tamara walk in)

Tamara: Critic?

Malcolm: Critic? (looks behind the chair briefly)

Tamara: Okay...

Malcolm: Mm-hmm...

(They leave the room, the camera following them to the front door. Now, in an exact parody of Jerry Lundegaard being arrested in the movie Fargo, we cut to the two of them at NC's front door. Malcolm knocks on the door)

Malcolm: Nostalgia Critic?

NC: (inside; muffled) Who?

Tamara: Nostalgia Critic, is this your car out here?

NC: (inside) Just a sec.

Malcolm: Could you open the door, please?

NC: (inside) Yeah, yeah, just a sec. Juuust a sec.

(Malcolm suspects something is amiss with NC's statement and signals to Tamara, who unlocks the door and opens it. They walk into NC's house, where they spot him running towards a window at the back. They grab him as he tries to open it to climb out)

Malcolm: C'mere, c'mere, c'mere!

Tamara: Let's go!

NC: (wailing) NO! (Malcolm and Tamara pull him away from the window) NOOOO! I DON'T–

(They throw him on the couch, pin him down and pull his arms behind his back, all while he is crying like a bratty little kid)

Tamara: (grabbing NC's head) Goddamn it, Critic, you have to review Jack and Jill!


Malcolm: You have to!


Malcolm: Seriously, Critic, get a hold of yourself! (NC stops squalling and pants for breath) Think about it. It's just Adam Sandler.

(Upon hearing that, NC ends up crying and wailing again, as we cut to the opening titles for Jack and Jill, followed by footage of said film)

NC (vo; grudgingly): Let's take a look at the first film in history to win a Razzie Award in every category: Jack and Jill. This is a film so infamously despised that even the trailer got people deeming it the worst movie ever. Hell, the mere idea got people saying it's the worst movie ever: Adam Sandler has a twin sister who – what a shock – is loud, loves farts, and has no distinct character outside of an unfunny voice. You got an hour and a half of that, baby! The common comparison is that it looks like one of the fake movies (A shot of a poster for another Sandler movie Funny People appears) made up in Adam Sandler's dramatic comedy Funny People... (A clip of that movie is shown, displaying Sandler as a baby) ...mocking the cheap humor of his films. But this isn't satire, this is real life, where dreams go to die! It appears on a ton of "worst films ever" lists, it's said to be Sandler's worst, even by Adam Sandler movie standards, and, for some reason, we've got to take a look at it.

NC: (seated in his usual chair again) Let's not waste any time, as we have a whole film that's gonna do that! This is Jack and Jill.

(The movie starts by showing various interviews about twins)

NC (vo): It opens with a collection of twins talking about what it's like to be twins on the set of a Milk commercial.

Woman: Being a twin is like being a married couple, and you can't divorce her.

NC: I just knew going in, I'd be comparing this to When Harry Met Sally.

Man: We just make these sounds, it's like... (He and his twin make random squawking sounds)

NC (vo): Despite it being kind of grating, why do I feel like this annoyance is still gonna be the best part of the movie?

(The opening credits show Jack and Jill as babies playing in a bath, while baby Jill farts)

NC (vo): Oh, cut to a baby farting!

NC: So far, my assumption's correct.

(The credits also show Jack and Jill in their teenage years, with Jill played by a young boy instead of a girl)

NC (vo): Give them credit that even from the start, they don't try to make the sister look like a girl, they just dress up a pair of twin boys. Granted, Sandler's amazing ability to create fleshed out characters through strangling cat noises doesn't go unappreciated.

(We briefly cut to a later scene of Jack and Jill laughing together while watching a movie at a cinema. This scene annoys NC)

NC: Can we cut to a voice slightly less annoying?

(Cut to a now-adult Jack doing his job as an ad executive filming a commercial with Regis Philbin)

Regis Philbin: Hold it! Cut! Jack, are you watching this?!

NC: Well, I did say just slightly.

NC (vo): It looks like Sandler is on the set of a commercial...or an unused Dana Carvey Show sketch... (Dana Carvey is briefly shown playing a puppeteer) as he plays Jack, an ad executive who...

NC: (suddenly snaps) OH, MY GOD!! AN AD EXECUTIVE?! REALLY?! REALLY?!! (Calms down) Okay, look, I know that doesn't sound like a big deal, but here's the thing. Sandler's films are infamously known for their product placements.

(The montage of films starring Sandler is shown, featuring many brands onscreen)

NC (vo): They're always trying to sneak in advertisements. Well, not sneak, as much as violently bludgeon you with.

Sonny Koufax (from Big Daddy): Man, this Yoo-Hoo is good.

Billy Madison (from Billy Madison): Snack Pack!

Nicky (from Little Nicky): Popeye's Chicken...

Skeeter Bronson (from Bedtime Stories): You might want some Cinnabons.

Henry Roth (from 50 First Dates): (taking an order) Reese's Peanut Butter Cup and some Gatorade.

(Back to Jack and Jill)

NC (vo): So now, they literally just make him an ad executive! Just cut through the shit, he's gonna be surrounded by ads. And after the opening credits, how many plugs do we have?

Ted (Tim Meadows): We may lose Dunkin' Donuts. Well, never say never...

NC: HOLY CRAP! No! You know what? I better not say that! That might sound like an ad for Pepto!

NC (vo): It could only get worse by making it the focus of the story...play it.

Ted: They want Al Pacino.

Jack (Adam Sandler): To do a commercial?

Ted: They got this new coffee drink, the Dunkaccino. Dunkaccino, Al Pacino, they sound alike.

NC: Oh, yeah! That's his mission throughout the entire film: Trying to get Al Pacino to advertise the Dunkaccino!

Tim: Remember, you didn't think we could get Brad Pitt to do that RadioShack commercial.

NC (vo): Oh, my God, STOP!

NC: STOP! Christ, I could go for a Diet Coke right now...

(Jack is shown carrying a can of Diet Coke)


NC: We're up to four product placements in the first four minutes! That's a product placement per minute! FOR THE LOVE OF INSERT YOUR AD HERE, JUST TELL A STORY!!

(At the airport, Jack comes in to see his twin sister Jill waiting next to a large pile of suitcases)

Jill (Adam Sandler): Where were you?! I've been waiting forever for you!

NC: (beat) Go back to the product placements! Go back to the product placements!

NC (vo): So, believe it or not, that's Sandler as the twin sister, who flew in for Thanksgiving at American Airlines... (The airport is shown to have the American Airlines sign)

NC: (rubbing his forehead in annoyance) Are you sure...Adam Sandler himself isn't a product by this point?

(Jack drives Jill to his house, along with her pet parrot Poopsie)

NC (vo): Now, Jill is different from Sandler's wide range of characters who are loud, high-pitched and have a lisp, because this one also has boobs.

NC: Oh, wait. He's done that before. (A shot from 1993 Saturday Night Live sketch "Gap Girls", featuring Sandler dressed as a woman, is shown) There is no difference between this and his other characters.

NC (vo): Oh, and she also has a talking bird, which...I guess could be funny, but it literally just says one catchphrase.

(Three instances of Poopsie saying "Where were you?" in the movie are shown)

NC: Even if you were gonna do that, could it be something funny at least it says over and over?

NC (vo): Like (imitates Poopsie) "Learn how to say 'Subway', you dumb bird! I'm gonna lose my job if I don't teach you this product placement, dumb bird!"

(A scene of Jack and Jill laughing loudly at the cinema is shown again)

NC (vo): Not that the other two loud parakeets that are never funny are much better. Oh, those are both Adam Sandlers.

NC: (chuckles) Sorry! They blend.

(Jack introduces his quirky relatives to Jill)

NC (vo): So we cut to Sandler's Thanksgiving, which comprises of a homeless man, a girl in a pilgrim costume, a boy who tapes things to himself, and Katie Holmes.

NC: Why is Katie Holmes the strangest thing in that lineup?

(Jack's family is shown eating at the dinner table)

NC (vo): And it looks like they all sit down to eat dinner.

Erin (Katie Holmes): How was your flight?

Jill: Oh, the house looks amazing! You got a new chandelier?

Erin: Yeah, yeah!

Jill: I loved the old one.

NC: (hand on cheek) You ever wonder what would happen...

NC (vo): ...if Linda from Bob's Burgers took on the identity of any of the Monty Python actors in drag?

NC: You haven't. You shouldn't, but you are now. Thanks, movie!

Jill: I'm allowed out here once a year, so I tend to miss things.

Erin: Sofie just got her green belt in karate.

Jill: I didn't even know she did karate. What... I feel like I'm in the Twilight Zone right now.

NC: (shivers slightly) Trust me, Christ, you're not alone.

Jill: I'm like Jimmy Stewart at the end of that movie, the one where...where...they...they... They're in Pottersville. What...

NC: Okay, we all know what this joke's gonna be. They're gonna say A Wonderful Life, and she's not gonna believe him. Next.

Bitsy (Valerie Mahaffey): It's a Wonderful Life?

Jill: No, no, with Jimmy Stewart.

NC: (getting annoyed) Next.

Jill: The...the one where he meets the angel.

Jack: It's a Wonderful Life.

Jill: Why do you keep saying that?

NC: Next.

Jill: No, the one where he falls in the pool and...

NC: By God. (throws arms) We're not at (poster of...) Little Nicky levels yet, but sweet Jesus, we're tight-roping there!

Jill: (says "I love you" in the gibberish that only Jack can get) Ook maga do do, pagogo.

Jack: I can't stand you being here!

NC (vo): It's like a white Madea Thanksgiving, except there's two Madeas.

NC: (points at someone off-camera) Stop writing that down, Tyler Perry!

(Cut to Tyler Perry (actually, it's Malcolm in a cardboard Tyler Perry mask) sitting at the computer and throwing the paper and pen in irritation)

NC (vo): And now, a great impression of everyone who saw this film.

Otto (Allen Covert): This is really awkward. I'm gonna go.

NC: A little too calm and collected, though.

(Jack calls Jill out for embarrassing him in front of everyone and demands her to leave, and the latter runs into the woods with Poopsie, saddened)

NC (vo): Jill gets upset and runs outside, leading to...oh, joy. More screaming.

Jill: (whining) I'm sleeping out here in the woods! At least the animals will be nice... (trips and falls)

NC: Fifteen minutes in, and already, I'm praying for nuclear annihilation. (looks up, then pouts) I knew you didn't love me, God.

(In the morning, after Jill returns, Jack's Mexican gardener Felipe visits the house)

NC (vo): It looks like the family has a gardener named Felipe. It's about as funny as everything else.

Felipe (Eugenio Derbez): When Immigration shows up, I do a great impression of a tree. (freezes in place) I'm kidding, I'm kidding!

(Jill, Sofia and Gary laugh, while Jack stands nearby with a cup of coffee)

Jack: Oh, strong! All right. Jay Leno better watch his back.

NC: A legit comparison.

(Jack unwillingly apologizes to Jill for yesterday's dinner)

NC (vo): Jill says she wants to stay longer at the house, and Jack begrudgingly agrees.

(Jill and Sofia, who's holding a doll and is dressed like it, are shown happily leaving the My Tiny Me store)

Jill: He's gonna be mad. I don't know where we parked the car! (They laugh)

NC: Yeah. This was supposed to be an American Girl doll plug, but they remembered they like having customers.

NC (vo): As if things weren't incestuously creepy enough...

(Jack is shown sleeping on the couch. Waking up, he discovers Jill next to him, who is grinning creepily)

Jack: What are you doing?! (falls from the couch)

Jill: ...Why can't I just lay with you?!

NC: That is actually what you wake up to in Hell. Or, at least, it probably should be. (points off-camera again) Stop writing that down, Satan!

(Cut to Satan (Malcolm) at the computer, who groans in disappointment and tosses the paper and the pen away. Back to the movie, Jill participates in The Price is Right)

NC (vo): They go on The Price is Right, because somebody has blackmailed photos of somebody, and Jill gets to spin the wheel.

Drew Carey: Good luck to you.

(Jill takes the Big Wheel and spins it, but gets knocked out thereafter)

NC: (speaks quickly) I don't even know how that was supposed to knock her out. It didn't look like there's anything on the wheel to knock her out. But you know what? It's quiet for a few seconds. I count my blessings.

(The scene of Jack, Jill and Gary in the cinema is shown once more, but with green arrows pointing at six Coca-Cola product placements)

NC (vo): They partake in a trailer shot with six reminders to drink Coke...

NC: Oh, trust me, I'll be seeing lots of coke after this film is over!

NC (vo): ...as Jill's cell phone goes off.

(Jill speaks to her phone, completely not realizing that the movie is playing right now)

Jill: Okay, and you turned the heat off?

Jack: (whispers to Jill) Turn...turn off the phone.

Jill: All the way off, though?

Jack: Jill! Jill!

Moviegoer: Please stop talking.

NC: Well, now you're just confusing the audience. No Adam Sandler viewer would interpret this as rude.

(Since Jill has an open-ended plane ticket, she decides to stay until the end of Hanukkah, much to Jack's horror, as he complains to his wife about this)

NC (vo): To make Jill feel better after, apparently, Jack was acting out of line, according to his idiot idiots...

Erin: Maybe she's lonely and she needs someone to get her through the holidays.

(Jill has no success in online dating, so when she leaves the computer, Jack secretly alters his sister's profile, which leads to more than 100 responses)

NC (vo): ...he sets her up for online dating and lies on her profile to get a lot more dates.

(The next morning, Jill announces her popularity to her family and says one of the dates is going to visit)

Jill: I don't know what I'm gonna wear!

Erin: Oh, I'll help you. I'll help you. (excitedly leaves the table)

Jack: (to Gary) What's she gonna wear?

Gary (Rohan Chand): What are you gonna wear, Daddy, in Hell?

(Jack gets uncomfortable)

NC: (smirks) I'll give the film a smirk point on that one. (The caption "1 Smirk Point" and NC's smirking face are shown below)

(In the evening, a person that had the nickname "Funbucket", played by Norm MacDonald, shows up and is unpleasantly surprised to see his actual date)

NC (vo): The date is, of course, cameo #50, who is shocked to find who he's going out with.

(Jill and an uneasy-looking Funbucket are shown at the restaurant)

Jill: I live in the Bronx and I don't have any children...

NC (vo; as Funbucket): You know, Sandler, I'm aware we both got our kind of anti-humor thing going on, but...wow, are you anti-humor!

(Jill searches for Funbucket in the men's room, as he is hiding from her, hanging on a light on a ceiling)

Jill: Hello?

NC (vo): He ends up hanging on a light in the bathroom for dozens of minutes to escape...

NC: (confused) Because just going out the door made too much sense?...

(Saddened, Jill returns home)

NC (vo): ...as Jill reveals how bad her date went.

Jill: (sobbing) Oh, will you kids stop it already?! (walks up the stairs to her bedroom) Why do you put so much pressure on me?! No one's ever gonna love me! I'm a loser! (slams the door)

(NC hears the sound of something falling on his table)

NC: Well, I'll give the film this. (Cut to show four dead flies) It's great insect repellent.

Jack: Oh, my God, I'm an idiot.

Erin: Why are you an idiot? (Jack realizes he slipped up)

NC: I mean, we know why. We just really want to hear you say it.

(To make Jill feel better and to also have a meeting with Al Pacino himself, Jack takes Jill to a Lakers game where Pacino is supposed to be. We cut to Al Pacino, who is wearing a fake beard to hide himself from the public, talking with Johnny Depp)

NC (vo): Jack feels bad about setting her up, so he takes her to a basketball game that, it just so happens, Al Pacino is at.

Johnny Depp: What's going on with the beard, man?

NC (vo; as Al Pacino): I don't want people to know I'm in an Adam Sandler movie.

NC: Honestly, if we're going by current movie roles, Depp should be the one in the beard.

(Pacino blows off Jack, but is instantly smitten by Jill)

NC (vo): Jack tries talking to Al Pacino, and, of course, Pacino falls in love with Jill.

(A delivery man comes up to Jack and Jill at their seats, holding a tray)

Delivery Man: Compliments of Mr. Pacino.

Jill: What's this?

NC: (as the delivery man) It's a dead horse's head!

(Actually, it's a hot dog with Pacino's phone number made with ketchup and mustard. Jill glances at Pacino, and he smiles, making a "call me" gesture)

NC (vo): And, hey, if you think Depp's cameo doesn't age well, check this one out.

(Jack's friends and colleagues throw him a birthday party, extending the invite to Jill. Various celebrities also attend the party)

Jared Fogle: Just...just Jared's fine.

Jill: I miss the old Jared. If he was around, he'd be with me and not with the two hookers.

NC: (as Jill) Which, by the way, aren't they all older than what you're used to?

(Jack reveals to Jill that one of his friends, Todd, is an atheist, and Jill is offended, as well as many people at the party)

NC (vo): Check out this strangeness, when it's revealed that somebody there is an atheist.

John McEnroe: This guy doesn't believe in God?!

Jill: No!

Todd (Nick Swardson): No, no, I-I-I'm just...

John McEnroe: Idiots like you really make me MAD!!

Michael Irvin: Fight!

Bill Romanowski: Fight him!

Michael Irvin: Fight!

Michael Irvin and Bill Romanowski: Fight! Fight! Fight!

John McEnroe: 'Cause I'm about to US Open your...

(NC hears another, but louder, sound of someone hitting the ground)

NC: You hear those bodies falling? That's just another piece of comedy dying.

(Embarrassed, Jill goes in the closet, finding Al Pacino sitting in an armchair)

NC (vo): But Al Pacino finds out about their get-together and follows Jill.

Al Pacino: Don't be startled. It's only me. (laughs)

NC: You alone? Not so scary. You in a Jack and Jill movie? Terrifying.

(We go to a commercial. When we come back, we are shown the scene of Jill visiting Al Pacino's house)

NC (vo): So Pacino takes Jill to his home, and, I know this is gonna sound insane, but Al Pacino's love for her is awkwardly hilarious.

NC: He's, like...weirdly into it.

Pacino: (approaching Jill up the stairs) It is time for my salvation. I found the one woman. With all our wealth, you and your charm will lead me back to sanity.

(While playing ball, Jill accidentally destroys Pacino's Best Actor Academy Award)

NC (vo): Even when he has her do something as stupid as play ball in his office, leading to...wha? Something breaking?!...he's still pretty damn funny through it.

Jill: I'm sure you have others, though.

Pacino: Ah, you'd think it, but, uh, oddly enough, I don't.

NC: And movies like this is why.

(Jill becomes disinterested with Pacino and leaves him. Felipe, who is also taken with Jill, invites her to meet his family at their annual fiesta)

NC (vo): But hell with that. We have Felipe's birthday party to go to! Can't...overlook that.

Felipe: (introduces his children) Look, these are my kids. Jose, Jose Jr., y Josefina. They all look like my wife, thank God.

NC: Awesome! Is there a Chinese festival going on, too? Maybe we can break out the Breakfast at Tiffany's makeup for Rob Schneider! (I. Y. Yunioshi from Breakfast at Tiffany's, played by Mickey Rooney, is shown)

(Cut to Felipe's grandmother Juangelina, also played by Eugenio Derbez, who is...not really good-looking, to put it mildly)

Juangelina (Eugeino Derbez): (eating taco) Never had Mexican food. Huh.

NC: (horrified) Never show that woman again, for the love of God. (Beat) You're gonna show her a lot, aren't you?

Felipe: (introduces his grandmother) Juangelina...

(Juangelina is shown in various scenes)

NC: You know, why don't you just show the robbers of joy...

(As NC speaks, two robbers (Malcolm and Tamara) playfully sneak across the scene of Juangelina, carrying along big bags with the caption "Joy" on them)

NC (vo): ...constantly stealing all happiness from you?

NC: When your self-love returns, they will purge it with this film.

(Jill loses her shoe, and it hits Juangelina in the head, knocking her out. Felipe's family rushes to her and stuffs jalapenos in her mouth, awakening her)

NC (vo): Oh, no, she got knocked out. Better feed her jalapenos, because...you know, Mexicans!

NC: You know, that joke was so funny and such good commentary. Let's do it twice!

(Trying to break the pinata open, Jill accidentally hits Juangelina again, and the family brings her consciousness back with jalapenos)

Felipe: (offscreen) Jalapenos.

NC: Yes! Peppers are Mexicans' life juice! It's funny, because the people who have wrote this joke are going to Hell.

(In the evening, Pacino visits the Sadelstein residence and goes to Jill's bedroom)

NC (vo): Meanwhile, Pacino breaks into Jack's house to find Jill and comes across her sweat stains on the bed.

(Pacino lies on Jill's sweat with delight)

NC (vo): Al Pacino said yes to this.

NC: But then again, this is old Al Pacino. Young Al Pacino...

NC (vo): ...probably would have done this to the movie.

(The scene of Michael Corleone (Pacino) slapping Kay Adams on the cheek from The Godfather: Part II is shown, but with Kay covered by Jack and Jill poster)

NC (vo): So Pacino tells him that if Jack gets him Jill, he'll do the Dunkin Donuts commercial. I mean, come on. How can he not go for a person like this?

(Jack is waiting at the bathroom door. Jill is inside, and she has a diarrhea after eating too much at Felipe's fiesta)

Jill: (from the inside, farts) I spent the day at Felipe's picnic, where I finally felt welcome. (farts) By everybody. (farts again as Jack facepalms)

NC: I think this is how every Sandler script is written. Line, fart. Line, fart.

NC (vo): Line...

Jill: I spend the day at Felipe's picnic...

NC (vo): ...fart.

(Jill farts)

NC (vo): Line...

Jill: By everybody.

NC (vo): ...fart.

(Jill farts again)

NC: It's an elegant dance of shit.

(Jack calls Pacino just in the midst of his theater performance, and Pacino tells Jack that Jill must get together with him, or else there won't be any commercial. Jack invites Jill on the cruise with his family. At sea, while Jill continues making a fool of herself and everyone around her, Jack disguises himself as his own sister and goes on her date with Pacino)

NC (vo): Pacino takes a call literally in the middle of a play...again, surprisingly kind of funny...as Jack can't seem to convince Jill to go on a date with Pacino, so, of course, he dresses up like her on a cruise to meet up with him. The bathroom attendant even straightens him out, so to speak.

(The bathroom attendant (Ruben Rabasa), who is the only one aware of Jack's scheme, calls him by moving a finger towards himself, and corrects the position of Jack's fake breasts. He kisses his fingertips as if to say, "Perfect!")

NC: (shrugs) ...Aw, I guess?

(A helicopter with Pacino onboard appears and picks Jack-as-Jill up. We then cut to Jack and Pacino having dinner in the latter's mansion)

NC (vo): Pacino flies a helicopter overhead and picks him up. And keeping with Pacino being the only semi-entertaining thing in this, we get our first legit laugh-out-loud joke.

Pacino: I used to raise pigeons.

Jack: (as Jill) Really?

Pacino: Yeah. No, I'm sorry. That was Brando.

Jack: (as Jill) Oh!

NC: (snickers) Shit. That was a really good joke, too. We had such a good record going! (Eight rows consisting of forty-four words "Unfunny" (in red letters) and the only one word "Funny" (in blue letters) are shown below)

NC (vo): Don't worry, though. It gets more awkward.

Pacino: Are you ticklish?

Jack: (as Jill) No.

(Pacino tickles Jack's armpits, making weird sounds. NC looks tiresome)

NC: I feel so empty. Why does this make me feel so empty?

(Jill suspects that Jack invited her on the cruise just so Pacino would do the commercial; such is confirmed when she phones Jack, he answers as Jill, and then she hears Pacino in the background)

NC (vo): Sure enough, Jill calls and finds out that he's pretending to be her, breaking her poor little heart. (Jill's eyes fill with tears) Because I am so ready to have an emotional scene with this character. I think I'd cry more with this guy. (A shot of Johnny from The Room shouting "You're tearing me apart, Lisa!" is shown briefly)

(The bathroom attendant walks up to see Jill. Assuming it's Jack in drag, the attendant calls Jill to himself with his finger)

NC (vo): But, okay. Here's a classic setup. We know exactly where this is gonna go, but they can't possibly screw it up, right?

(Jill comes up, and the attendant gropes the breasts. Finding out they're real, he smiles sheepishly. Without a word, Jill punches him in the face so hard, he breaks the bathroom door)

NC: Dammit! Even when you know what's coming, it's done wrong!

NC (vo): We know exactly what he's gonna do and that she's obviously gonna hit him, so you gotta deliver it a little differently.

NC: Like, here. Here's a different edit of the same scene.

(We cut again to the attendant seeing Jill and calling her with his finger. Jill walks up to him...and smash cut to her punching the attendant through the bathroom door)

NC: That works better because it allows us to put the pieces together.

NC (vo): It doesn't have to be spelled out. It respects our intelligence. And I know it's ironically stupid thinking Jack and Jill will respect our intelligence, but I'm sorry!

NC: I have to have some hope for something!

(Pacino, still believing Jack to be Jill, spells out that Pacino sees much more in her than just a pathetic half-wit...which is what Jack always took her for. Feeling unspeakably guilty, Jack returns to the ship. Erin and Gary find Jack without the wig, but still in drag)

NC (vo): Jack realizes he betrayed his sister, though, and he gets back on the cruise ship.

Gary: You were with Al Pacino, weren't you?

Jack: You're good.

Erin: Jill was right. You are a weirdo.

NC: (as Erin) And I married Tom Cruise!

(Jill has gone back home to the Bronx. At a restaurant on New Year's Eve, toting a picture of her and Jack's late mother, Jill comes across a group of former classmates who always made fun of her; these classmates, led by Monica (played by David Spade in drag), pick up directly where they left off)

NC (vo): Speaking of weirdos, David Spade is in this movie, too. Let's see if they use him to his full potential... Yeah, sounds about right.

Monica (David Spade): Where you been hiding, hon?

Jill: I was visiting my brother.

Monica's Boyfriend (Jonathan Loughran): (to Monica) God, you're hot.

(Jack, his wife and their kids show up)

NC (vo): But Jack appears to tell Jill just how much she means to him in their secret language.

Jack: Ook maga do do, pokee. (Jill looks touched) Pagogo tu iray, nah ee pokee, para mee.

NC: You know, it's only a matter of time before Sandler films get so bad at being sentimental, that even his gibberish is trying to sound emotional.

(Monica attacks Erin and is cold cocked by Jill. Pacino also turns up at the party, dressed as the Man of La Mancha, staying in character he was playing before leaving the stage)

NC (vo): But Lady Spade insults Jack's wife, so Jill insults Lady Spade, and Lady Spade tackles Jack's wife. And Al Pacino comes in as Don Quixote.

Pacino: (to Monica, speaking with a Spanish accent) Prepare to do battle.

NC: (grinning) All of this feels justified!

Monica's Boyfriend: Oh, my God. Is this Colonel Sanders?

NC: No, that was earlier. (Funbucket is shown)

Pacino: (to Jill) Your purity befits a knight more worthy than I. Go to him. He waits for you.

NC: You know, Pacino, I was actually enjoying your weird, but then you went and made it weird.

Pacino: (fighting a ceiling fan, still in-character as Don Quixote) It's a foul monster! Ah!

NC: (waves off) Let's just go. You don't care how this scene ends...

Audience: NO!

NC: ...do you? I do not.

(Everyone returns home just in time by New Year's Eve to see Felipe and his children clearing the snow on the sidewalk. Felipe professes his love for Jill, making her really happy)

NC (vo): They go to see Felipe, who apparently shoveled all the fake snow off his house...seriously, it looks like shaving cream popcorn...and Felipe confesses his love to Jill.

NC: (at a loss for words) Because that was a thing, apparently!

NC (vo): A happy ending, or so they tell us. But hey, I don't think we plugged Dunkin' Donuts enough.

(A Dunkaccino commercial starring Al Pacino, who's performing rap in the cafe, is shown)

Pacino: What's my name?

Partons: Dunkaccino!

Pacino: It's a whole new game.

Partrons: Dunkaccino!

Pacino: (showing off the jacket that has a donut pattern on the inside) Say hello to my chocolate blend!

NC: (completely lost) So this is a mental breakdown. (Pause) About as scary as I thought.

(Cut to Jack showing the commercial to Pacino at the latter's mansion. The ending of the commercial on the TV is Photoshopped, being replaced by Jack and Jill logo from the trailer)

NC (vo): Pacino is supposed to give his thoughts on the commercial at the end, but you know what? Let's just show what he's really talking about.

Pacino: Burn this.

Jack: I'm sorry?

Pacino: All copies. Destroy them.

(The movie ends)

NC: I couldn't agree more. Jack and Jill is jack shit and Jill...shit.

(The film's clips are shown once more as NC goes to his closing thoughts)

NC (vo): The only thing it has going for it is, oddly enough, Al Pacino's weird-ass performance. I hate to say it, but his dedication steals the show and can be funny once in a while. Aside from that, though, it's pretty much as annoying, grating and painfully obnoxious as you would expect. If you can't figure out this is gonna be a stinking pile, then maybe you deserve the awful film you got coming to you. For me, if it looks like a dump and smells like a dump, it must be Jack and Jill.

NC: I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it...

(Malcolm and Tamara, still dressed as the robbers, appear next to NC)

Tamara: So, where do you want us to put these? (They show the bags of joy)

NC: (speaking slowly) Release it. After you bury every copy of this movie ever made.

Malcolm: But we can't do that...

(NC suddenly points his handgun at Malcolm and Tamara sternly (with a slight "thunder" sound effect), and they instantly change their tones and nervously exit the living room)

Tamara: (overlapping) Oh, we'll find a way! (chuckles) No worries, we can totally get that done for ya. See ya later, we'll find it, we'll do it! Okay?

Malcolm: (overlapping) Oh, oh, we'll find a way. Yeah, we'll find a way. Yeah, so... To the shovels. (chuckles)

(NC puts the shotgun on the table and slowly turns to the camera, again, with a "thunder" sound effect)

NC: (whispers) Every. Copy.

(We go to the credits)

Channel Awesome tagline - Jack giggling as Al Pacino tickles him, making weird sounds

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