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Jack Frost 2: Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman

Phelous-JackFrost-2 title card.jpg

Released
December 20, 2011
Running Time
20:42
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Editor's note: The transcript is incomplete. Please finish.

Phelous: Hello and welcome to Jack Frost 2. I can't believe that last time I forgot that Jack Frost has a sequel. What the hell am I doing this for?

(Phelous snaps his fingers, and he's suddenly on the couch, all decorated for Christmas.)

Phelous: So a sequel gave them a chance to actually make a funny stupid killer snowman movie, right? No. It'll give them a chance to make everything much, much worse. So yeah, Merry Christmas. Unless, of course, Merry Christmas offends you for absolutely no reason. In which case, Merry Christmas.

(The scene cuts to the title card.)

Phelous: See? You guys remember how Jack Frost 1 at least looked like it was a real film? Huh? Huh? Huh? Do you? Do you? Do you? Well, just take a look at this!

(Cut back to the film. Sam Tiler (Christopher Allport) is having a session with his therapist, Doctor Morton, since he is trying to recover from his encounter from Jack Frost, the serial killer who became a mutant snowman.)

Doctor Morton (Ian Abercrombie): So, Sam, what would you like to talk about this week?

Phelous (vo): Seriously, Jack Frost 2? Was this shot with someone in the movie's Handycam? And who the hell are you trying to fool with those black bars? We know that's not the real frame size! The rest of the film doesn't have them, and it's making this frame look ridiculously awful!

(Cut back to Phelous.)

Phelous: (sarcastically) Impressive. Most impressive. We can only hope that the fake snow budget was slashed as much as the cameras.

(It's shown that several people are listening in on the session. They don't take the sheriff seriously, though, and everyone laughs until Doctor Morton finds that he's on speaker and then disconnects.)

Phelous (vo): This black bar scene is the Sheriff giving blatant exposition to his psychiatrist, because we obviously have a lot to catch up on in the killer snowman series. A snowman came to life and killed people. Oh, wait, no, I guess not. The joke of this scene is that the psychiatrist is performing malpractice by having people listening in on the session and laughing. Well, that's not funny. But...the psychiatrist being played by Ian Abercrombie of Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties fame is kind of funny.

Sam: The killing stops.

(The movie's title comes up. Afterwards, the scene cuts back to Phelous, who buries his face in his hands.)

Phelous: No... no... no...

[...]

Jack Frost: Huh? There's a party and I'm not invited? Someone's gonna pay...

[...]

Jack Frost: Oh. I guess it was "decapitated" coffee.

[...]

Jack Frost: I feel like a cold one. Or twelve. *maniacal laughter*

(After Jack Frost uncaps the bottle, he starts to spread his icy powers all across the island. Cut back to Phelous.)

Phelous: But no thanks for that one. (vo) And really? He can just change the weather now, huh? Didn't know hot chocolate gave you extra "soul in a snowman" powers, but sure. Why not?

[...]

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