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Jack Frost 2: Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman

Phelous-JackFrost-2 title card

Released
December 20, 2011
Running Time
20:42
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Tagline
What happens when you add hot chocolate to antifreeze? A new and improved snowman killer whose only weakness is bananas.
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Editor's note: The transcript is incomplete. Please finish.

Phelous: Hello, and welcome to Jack Frost 2. I can't believe that last time I forgot that Jack Frost has a sequel. What the hell am I doing this for?

(Phelous snaps his fingers, and he's suddenly on the couch, all decorated for Christmas.)

Phelous: So a sequel gave them a chance to actually make a funny stupid killer snowman movie, right? No. It'll give them a chance to make everything much, much worse. So yeah, Merry Christmas. Unless, of course, Merry Christmas offends you for absolutely no reason. In which case, Merry Christmas.

(The scene cuts to the title card.)

Phelous: See? You guys remember how Jack Frost 1 at least looked like it was a real film? Huh? Huh? Huh? Do you? Do you? Do you? Well, just take a look at this!

(Cut back to the film. Sam Tiler (Christopher Allport) is having a session with his therapist, Doctor Morton, since he is trying to recover from his encounter from Jack Frost, the serial killer who became a mutant snowman.)

Doctor Morton (Ian Abercrombie): So, Sam, what would you like to talk about this week?

Phelous (vo): Seriously, Jack Frost 2? Was this shot with someone in the movie's Handycam? And who the hell are you trying to fool with those black bars? We know that's not the real frame size! The rest of the film doesn't have them, and it's making this frame look ridiculously awful!

(Cut back to Phelous.)

Phelous: (sarcastically) Impressive. Most impressive. We can only hope that the fake snow budget was slashed as much as the cameras.

(It's shown that several people are listening in on the session. They don't take the sheriff seriously, though, and everyone laughs until Doctor Morton finds that he's on speaker and then disconnects.)

Phelous (vo): This black bar scene is the Sheriff giving blatant exposition to his psychiatrist, because we obviously have a lot to catch up on in the killer snowman series. A snowman came to life and killed people. Oh, wait, no, I guess not. The joke of this scene is that the psychiatrist is performing malpractice by having people listening in on the session and laughing. Well, that's not funny. But...the psychiatrist being played by Ian Abercrombie of Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties fame is kind of funny.

Sam: The killing stops.

(The movie's title comes up. Afterwards, the scene cuts back to Phelous, who buries his face in his hands.)

Phelous: No... no... no...

(Two FBI agents have come across the unmarked grave where Jack Frost's remains, contained within antifreeze, have been buried. They start to dig up the contents.)

Agent 1: Whatcha fixing on doing with this stuff, anyway?

Agent 2: I could tell you, but then...I'd have to kill you afterwards. Then again... (shotgun blast)

Phelous (vo): Yeah, you might wanna shoot them after they dig it up next time. So, a team of scientists who factor nothing to this plot except to bring Jack back accidentally do just that when the janitor knocks in some hot chocolate into his fish tank. And, as we all know, antifreeze plus hot drinks equals ice.

(As the hot chocolate falls into the green antifreeze, the cells are shown turning into crystals of ice. Cut back to Phelous.)

Phelous: Oh, stupid me looking for sense. We should have expected cocoa to revitalize a snowman. Moving on.

(The fish tank then explodes into pieces, and one of the glass shards bisects the janitor's head through the mouth.)

Sam: What about Ryan?

Phelous (vo, as Anne): He ate some of his antifreeze oatmeal, honey. He's dead. Let's go on vacation. (vo) That's actually what happened, too. It's kind of sad.

Sam: You know, it was exactly a year ago that it happened.

(Cut back to Phelous.)

Phelous: Uh, yeah. I did realize that Christmas comes once a year. Thanks.

(Cut back to the movie.)

Phelous (vo): Anyway, they're off to a resort in the Bahamas with the robot girlfriend Buffy, and it's run by some guy in Safari for some reason.

Captain Fun (Sean Patrick Murphy): Now, that's Rose, Ashlea, and Paisley. First vacation without their parents, if nothing. Now, they think they're looking for adventure. However, what they'll discover is the true meaning of friendship.

Phelous: (mimicking Captain Fun) Ah, yes. Like most resort guys, I had a private eye look into all the guests' lives so they could give really awkward background info on them as they arrive.

(We cut to a life raft, where two shipwrecked guys named Charlie and Dave are adrift on the ocean.)

Dave (Doug Jones): Those aren't rocks. Those aren't rocks. How could those be rocks? They don't look like rocks. Those aren't rocks. They can't be rocks. Those aren't rocks. Those aren't --

Charlie (Stefan C. Marchand): SHUT UP!!!

Dave: We don't need a compass. What do we need a compass for?

Charlie: SHUT UP!!! SHUT UP!!! SHUT UP!!! SHUT UP!!!

(Cut back to Phelous.)

Phelous: (mock laugh) Why do we need to see this?

(Back to the film. Jack Frost impales Dave with an icicle, causing him to drop the carrot. Jack Frost then washes up on the island and starts to track down Sam.)

Phelous (vo): Oh, right. It explains how Jack got his carrot back. Totally needed and considering he travels around this film before reforming anyway, it makes no damn sense.

Jack Frost: Huh? There's a party and I'm not invited? Someone's gonna pay...

Phelous (vo): Though I guess the scene of the carrot on the string makes it slightly worth it. But how the hell did Jack know the Sheriff was here? Was his snowman sense tingling?

Paisley (Granger Green): I'll have an Asahi.

Ashlea (Shonda Farr): Ooh, Asahi sounds good. I'll have an Asahi too.

Rose (Jennifer Lyons): Yeah, make mine...[an Asahi. And three boys on the side.]

Phelous (vo): (groans) Wow, this looks so cheap. I mean, yeah, there's obviously cheaper films. I just reviewed one.

(A scene from Satan Claus is shown.)

Phelous (vo): But to go from actual film-like quality to this is quite funny. Wonder if there's some kind of master this kind of Zenny bullshit out there.

(We are shown a scene from Revenge of the Zenny Blade 7/11. A belching sound is heard. Then we cut back to the movie. The thre girls are socializing with two boys named Ben, played by Jason Hall, and Dean, played by Brian Gross.)

Rose: Hey.

Dean: Hey.

Paisley, Ashlea, and Rose: Hey.

Dean and Ben: Hey.

Phelous: Hey, stop wasting time with your inane banner and move on!

Captain Fun: Looks like we have us a party pooper duper!

[...]

(A giant anvil made of snow and ice finally comes down on Ashlea, crushing her.)

[...]

(Paisley is shown getting impaled by icicles emerging from the ground, and then Jack Frost shows up and plunges a pair of tongs into Rose's eyes.)

[...]

Greg: Okay, Sarah. Big smile.

(As Sarah turns toward the camera to strike a smiling pose, her head suddenly explodes.)

Jack Frost: Oh. I guess it was "decapitated" coffee.

Phelous: "Decapitated" coffee never keeps you up! (He does a mock laugh and then buries his face in his hands.)

(Jack Frost snaps several photos of himself killing off Greg. Droplets of blood fall onto the last photo, which shows Jack Frost stabbing Greg through the eye.)

[...]

(Cindy is trapped under the frozen pool. She runs out of air and drowns.)

[...]

Jack Frost: I feel like a cold one. Or twelve. *maniacal laughter*

(After Jack Frost uncaps the bottle, he starts to spread his icy powers all across the island. Cut back to Phelous.)

Phelous: But no thanks for that one. (vo) And really? He can just change the weather now, huh? Didn't know hot chocolate gave you extra "soul in a snowman" powers, but sure. Why not?

[...]

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