Jack Frost (Horror film)

Jack Frost
Released	December 13, 2011
Running Time	19:47
Previous Review	Satan Claus
Next Review	Jack Frost 2: Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman
Link	No information

Editor's note: The transcript is incomplete.

Phelous: Well, the time has finally come for me to review that stupid Jack Frost movie. The skit for this one should be fairly easy. All I'm gonna do is, like, build a snowman and smash it or something. Good thing I live in Canada, where it's snowing 24/7.

(Phelous steps outside, only to find there's no snow anywhere.)

Phelous: What? No. No. (He walks around some more.) What? Oh, give me a break! It's not even snowing on the other end of Canada Street! *groans* (He pauses for a moment.) Hmm. Hey, umm... uhh... Lupa?

(The scene cuts to Obscurus Lupa standing outside.)

Obscurus Lupa: Uhmm...

(Back to Phelous.)

Phelous: Uhh... Could you please stop going? "Uhh"?

Lupa: Then please stop reusing cameos that I send you over and over again.

Phelous: Uh, I'm sorry, but could you see if you have snow around anywhere? I need some, but I don't have any here.

Lupa: You're kidding, right? You don't have snow in that frozen one-road country, but you expect me to have snow here in Arizona?

Phelous: Why not? Can you check, please?

Lupa: (groans) Fine. But this is just a waste of time -- (She suddenly stares in disbelief. A blip plays as we find the ground covered in...) SNOW???

Phelous: Ah! You've got it! Can you build me a snowman, please?

(Lupa points toward the screen, then walks off camera.)

Phelous: Ha Ha! Ah, she's the best.

(The episode's title come up, with hard rock music playing in the background. Then the scene fades to Phelous, sitting amidst Christmas decorations and wearing a Santa hat.)

Phelous: Jack Frost thinks it's pretty funny. Well, I've got a news flash for it. (beat) IT ISN'T!

(A scene from the film's opening credits is shown. A little girl's voice, which sounds akin to that of Baby Bop, is heard off screen.)

Little Girl: Uncle Henry? Tell me a story.

Uncle Henry: No, it's late. Go to bed. Santa will be here soon.

Little Girl: No, I want a story. Pleeeease?

Uncle Henry: All right, all right.

(Back to Phelous.)

Phelous: Unless you find things like annoying fake little girl voices hilarious. In which case, I apologize. Go watch this film and laugh your ass off!

Phelous (vo): Hilarity continues for three damn minutes as Uncle Asshole tells a 30-year-old little "girl" doing the stupid voice the story of a murderer named Jack Frost who's been sentenced to death. Why, that's not a good bedtime story at all!

Phelous: (makes funny noise)

(The scene shows a prison truck, before showing that the killer, Jack Frost, has managed to subdue the guard. He snaps the guard's neck beneath his shoe.)

Phelous (vo): And the Jackster is off to die tonight, but through the power of... Somehow he's killed the guard in there with him. Why? How does it ever pay off? Who cares when we can do a stupid rotating shot?

(The next scene shows the prison truck getting into an accident and colliding with a genetics truck.)

Jack Frost (Scott MacDonald): Oh yeah.

Phelous (vo): And what happens when you combine two great tastes that go great together?

(The door suddenly bursts open, and a chemical of unknown sorts sprays all over Jack. He suddenly melts away into nothing but blood, which ends up fusing together with the snow on the ground.)

Phelous (vo): (as one voice) Hey, you got serial killer in my DNA bonding chemical shit! (as a different voice) Hey, you got DNA bonding chemical shit in my serial killer!

(A close-up shot shows the red blood cells turning into icicles.)

Phelous (vo): So yes. Via a little cartoon sequence, his DNA bonds with the snow.

Phelous: I always figured that was possible. A good thing they named him Jack Frost, huh? His parents really seen this one coming.

(Footage of Jack's body melting is shown again.)

Phelous (vo): (as Jack Frost) Ugghh... At least now I can finally have that relationship with my son.