Channel Awesome
Jack Frost

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December 13, 2011
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Phelous: Well, the time has finally come for me to review that stupid Jack Frost movie. The skit for this one should be fairly easy. All I'm gonna do is, like, build a snowman and smash it or something. Good thing I live in Canada, where it's snowing 24/7.

(Phelous steps outside, only to find there's no snow anywhere.)

Phelous: What? No. No. (He walks around some more.) What? Oh, give me a break! It's not even snowing on the other end of Canada Street! *groans* (He pauses for a moment.) Hmm. Hey, umm... uhh... Lupa?

(The scene cuts to Obscurus Lupa standing outside.)

Obscurus Lupa: Uhmm...

(Back to Phelous.)

Phelous: Uhh... Could you please stop going? "Uhh"?

Lupa: Then please stop reusing cameos that I send you over and over again.

Phelous: Uh, I'm sorry, but could you see if you have snow around anywhere? I need some, but I don't have any here.

Lupa: You're kidding, right? You don't have snow in that frozen one-road country, but you expect me to have snow here in Arizona?

Phelous: Why not? Can you check, please?

Lupa: (groans) Fine. But this is just a waste of time -- (She suddenly stares in disbelief. A blip plays as we find the ground covered in...) SNOW???

Phelous: Ah! You've got it! Can you build me a snowman, please?

(Lupa points toward the screen, then walks off camera.)

Phelous: Ha Ha! Ah, she's the best.

(The episode's title come up, with hard rock music playing in the background. Then the scene fades to Phelous, sitting amidst Christmas decorations and wearing a Santa hat.)

Phelous: Jack Frost thinks it's pretty funny. Well, I've got a news flash for it. (beat) IT ISN'T!

(A scene from the film's opening credits is shown. A little girl's voice, which sounds akin to that of Baby Bop, is heard off screen.)

Little Girl: Uncle Henry? Tell me a story.

Uncle Henry: No, it's late. Go to bed. Santa will be here soon.

Little Girl: No, I want a story. Pleeeease?

Uncle Henry: All right, all right.

(Back to Phelous.)

Phelous: Unless you find things like annoying fake little girl voices hilarious. In which case, I apologize. Go watch this film and laugh your ass off!

Phelous (vo): Hilarity continues for three damn minutes as Uncle Asshole tells a 30-year-old little "girl" doing the stupid voice the story of a murderer named Jack Frost who's been sentenced to death. Why, that's not a good bedtime story at all!

Phelous: (makes funny noise)

(The scene shows a prison truck, before showing that the killer, Jack Frost, has managed to subdue the guard. He snaps the guard's neck beneath his shoe.)

Phelous (vo): And the Jackster is off to die tonight, but through the power of... Somehow he's killed the guard in there with him. Why? How does it ever pay off? Who cares when we can do a stupid rotating shot?

(The next scene shows the prison truck getting into an accident and colliding with a genetics truck.)

Jack Frost (Scott MacDonald): Oh yeah.

Phelous (vo): And what happens when you combine two great tastes that go great together?

(The door suddenly bursts open, and a chemical of unknown sorts sprays all over Jack. He suddenly melts away into nothing but blood, which ends up fusing together with the snow on the ground.)

Phelous (vo): (as one voice) Hey, you got serial killer in my DNA bonding chemical shit! (as a different voice) Hey, you got DNA bonding chemical shit in my serial killer!

(A close-up shot shows the red blood cells turning into icicles.)

Phelous (vo): So yes. Via a little cartoon sequence, his DNA bonds with the snow.

Phelous: I always figured that was possible. A good thing they named him Jack Frost, huh? His parents really seen this one coming.

(Footage of Jack's body melting is shown again.)

Phelous (vo): (as Jack Frost) Ugghh... At least now I can finally have that relationship with my son.

(We cut to a a scene with Sheriff Sam Tiler, portrayed by Christopher Allport, driving with his wife Anne.)

Anne Tiler (Eileen Seeley): No more stays of execution. No more nightmares about Jack Frost.

(Sam has a flashback about the time he busted Jack Frost. The criminal's words echo in his thoughts.)

Phelous (vo): Yeah, for some really funny stuff, we now see the cop that originally caught Jack is still haunted by the memories of the serial killer, who promised revenge.

Jack Frost: (to Sam) That's right, Sheriff! You take a good, long look at this face! 'Cuz the next time you see it, it's gonna tear your world apart! I'll tear your town apart! I'll find a way!

(Back to Phelous.)

Phelous: (as Jack Frost) I've gotta be as over the top as possible before I become a snowman!!!

(The scene cuts back to the Tiler family home. In the kitchen, Sam's son Ryan, played by Zack Eginton, is making a special oatmeal recipe of his own creation.)

Sam: I have a job to go to.

Ryan: But I made your special.

Phelous (vo, as Ryan): Oatmeal shit with marshmallows in it!

Sam: Come on. Fill it up.

Phelous (vo): Oh yeah. Just fucking love goop in a Ziploc bag. Meanwhile, the town is having an obvious fake snowman building competition. But yeah, just stick a real piece of snow on it, and we'll never know the difference. It'll distract from the strands of fabric blowing in the wind.

Jake Metzner (Jack Lindine): Hey, hey, no looking till Saturday. You know the rules.

Sam: So your dad's got a snowman all covered up. Big secret.

Phelous (vo): What, he built it under that tarp, too? Or is the snow so fake that the movie forgot they were pretending they were real snowmen as well?

(The scene changes to Sam talking to his secretary Marla, portrayed by Marsha Clark.)

Sam: What's the matter? Somebody die?

(Marla holds up a note with the words "Somebody died" scrawled onto it.)

Phelous: Oh, that's not what the police would normally write down! (odd syllable)

(Sam, along with two deputies, are examining the body of Old Man Harper. The old man's body is sitting in a rocking chair with his neck broken and his face covered in a thin layer of ice.)

Deputy Chris Pullman (Brian Leckner): We got no vehicle tracks.

Deputy Joe Foster (Chip Heller): No footprints in the snow.

Phelous (vo): Who you gonna call?

(Back to Phelous.)

Phelous: Snow Busters! (He opens a tin of Ghostbusters mints and pops one in his mouth.) Much better than the movie.

(Back to the film.)

Agent Manners (Stephen Mendel): This is Agent Manners. Who am I speaking to?

Sam: Sam Tiler, Snowmonton County Sheriff's Department.

Phelous: Snowmonton County? *groans* Just... just... *groans*

(Back to the film. Anne has just returned from the grocery store. Ryan has been trying to make Christmas cookies.)

Phelous (vo): Oh. They leave that little shithead to burn the place down? Good idea.

Anne: Not as special as that snowman you made outside.

Ryan: I didn't make a snowman.

Phelous: Oh, you didn't build that obviously fake snowman? Huh. Must be those people that drop off random snowmen to people's yards. That's not weird.

Anne: It needs a face.

Phelous (vo, as Anne): So it needs three carrots, 'cuz I thought you'd like to make one of those three-nosed snowmen.

(The scene cuts to said snowman, which is of course the criminal, Jack Frost.)

Phelous (vo): Oh, cool. The snowman is made of different fake snow material. Sweet! Just be careful not to knock it over, kid. Apparently, it doesn't have a lot of weight to it. You know, just like all snow packing enough to build a snowman from.

(Just as Ryan is finishing up the snowman, a local bully, Billy Metzner, shows up with his goons. Billy starts harassing Ryan.)

Billy Metzner (Nathan Hague): Hey, move it! I said, move it! Are you deaf as well as butt-ugly?

Phelous: The kid's nickname is "Movie"? Well, actually, that's a relief. Because for a second there, I thought one of the characters is being self-referential and yelling at the film, too. And I hate that kind of bullshit.

(Back to the movie. Billy continues to harass Ryan while his goons start riding on their sleds.)

Phelous (vo): So these guys want to go sledding, but this snowman is in the way, apparently. Despite the fact that they start sledding regardless. (Billy knocks off Jack Frost's head with his sled.) Guess only its head was in the way.

Billy: (And all the king's horses and all the king's men) ...Couldn't give a rat's ass about Tiler's little snowman.

(An angry look spreads over Jack Frost's face. The snowman pushes Billy over right into the path of an oncoming sled. Billy barely has time to scream before the sled decapitates him, sending his head flying through the air.)

(Back to Phelous.)

Phelous: How did that even work? Did he somehow fall back in time to when the sleds were at the top of the hill so that they could even hit him? Or did by falling straight down did he somehow end up at the bottom of the hill? What?

(The shot of Billy's dismembered head flying through the air is shown again.)

Phelous (vo): And my oh my. Remarkably sharp sleds, huh?

(The scene cuts to Jake Metzner with his wife Sally (Kelly Jean Peters), blaming Ryan for the death of his son.)

Jake: There's one goddamn psycho in this town, and it's your kid, Sheriff!

Phelous (vo): Okay, I know they're gonna jump on the "snowman did it" theory, but how do you come to the conclusion of the kid that wasn't even standing close enough to shove him near the teleporting sled did it? I think the kid in the sled would be the top suspect! Oh, man. This is snow. Really, guys!

(The scene changes to Sam looking at a bunch of notes Jack Frost had sent in the past.)

Jack Frost (vo): I'll find a way! I'll find a way! I'll kill you!

Phelous (vo): Aw, that's sweet. The sheriff kept his love letter from his Frost boyfriend.

(The scene cuts to the Metzner household. Jake and Sarah are still talking about Billy's death.)

Phelous (vo): *laughs* A family dealing with the loss of their son. That is hilarious, Jack Frost! Why don't you have the snowman show up and kill them, too? That would make it comedy gold!

(Jake goes outside. Jack Frost is shown standing as still as...well, as a snowman. Cut back to Phelous.)

Phelous: I was joking, Jack Frost. And was this really his MO before as a human? To kill random people, then eventually get to those people you swore revenge on?

(Cut back to the film. Jake is about to have some tokes on his pipe when he hears something.)

Jack Frost (offscreen): How about a smoke? *sinister laughter*

Phelous (vo, as Jake): Yeah, apparently, I can't tell the direction a sound comes from. Oh well, I'm dead.

(Jack Frost grabs the axe from Jake's hands and then shoves the handle right down Jake's throat.)

Jack Frost: Gosh. I only "axed" you for a smoke. *sinister laughter*

(Back to Phelous.)

Phelous: BOO!!! (vo) Well, killing the father sure wasn't funny, but maybe murdering a grieving mother will be.

(Sarah backs up, unaware that Jack Frost is directly behind her. She looks at the snow crystals in her palm.)

Phelous (vo): Well, pretending that piece of snow came off the obvious foam suit is funny, at least. Now for the death...

(Jack Frost proceeds to wrap a string of Christmas lights around Sarah's neck. He then stuffs a Christmas ornament in her mouth and shoves her face first into an entire box of ornaments. He strings her up to the tree and shoves the star right into the top of her head, killing her.)

Phelous: It was tasteless, extremely fake, and stupid. I'll give them that.

(A man named Paul Davrow (F. William Parker) has entered the Metzner household carrying a bag of rock salt and gasps when he discovers the deranged mutant killer snowman.)

Jack Frost: And what's your name, little boy? (He grabs a scarf lying on the arm of the couch.) Always remember to dress up warm.

(Back to Phelous.)

Phelous: Umm... Yeah, that was a joke...

Deputy Pullman: Well, someone's gotta go and tell Jill her entire family's dead. Jesus, she's only 18.

Phelous (vo, as Sam): Yeah, she's a mere 18. She'll barely be able to comprehend this.

Sam: Call the FBI in Denver, too. Some asshole named Manners.

(Back to Phelous.)

Phelous: Too bad he doesn't have any! OOOOHHH! *groans* I'm supposed to be bearing this stupid movie I'm reviewing.

Agent Manners: We've got a line on your Abraham Harper. His death matches the MO of someone we've been tracking for sometime now.

Phelous (vo): You mean breaking a random old guy in the woods' neck? Is that what Jack used to do? Did he also use to shove axe handles down people's throats and tie people up with Christmas lights?

Doc Peters (Paul Keith): It forced the handle straight down. That's immensely powerful.

(Back to Phelous.)

Phelous: Yes, like all snow.

(The next scene shows Sam at a town meeting.)

Sam: Under the advisement of local federal officers, I am gonna put the town under a 24-hour curfew.

(Paul Davrow is then shown destroying all the snowmen he comes across after his run-in with Jack Frost at the Metzners' place.)

Paul: Fucker's a snowman! (Sam intervenes.) Little Lights on her head...

Sam: Paul! Paul, look at me! Paul!

(Paul manages to wriggle out of Sam's grip, but Agent Manners knocks him out.)

Phelous (vo): Oh man, it's totally legal to punch people if they're hysteric!

(The scene changes to Deputy Pullman driving his car.)

Deputy Pullman: Fa la la la la, la la la la... Whoa! (He suddenly slams on the brakes. Jack Frost is standing in the middle of the road, holding a stop sign.)

Phelous (vo): Yeah, that snowman came out of nowhere. And really? How is the snow supposedly strong enough to hold that sign?

(The scene with Sam and Doc Peters is shown again.)

Doc Peters: That's immensely powerful.

(Back to Phelous.)

Phelous: Oh, right. I forgot. Snow's one of the strongest elements.

(The scene cuts back to Deputy Pullman outside his car.)

Phelous (vo): Aaaww, it's got a little frowny face. Cute. (Jack Frost has now appeared inside Pullman's car and runs over the Deputy before driving off.) Aaaww, now it thinks it's people.

(The scene cuts to a leaky pipe under the kitchen sink at the Tilers' place.)

Phelous (vo): Never before has a leaky pipe been so scary. So... yeah, about the same as usual.

Deputy Foster: Ice burst!

Anne: Don't you ever creep up on me like that again.

Deputy Foster: You ought to get these pipes fixed, Mrs. Tiler.

Anne: We wanna fix you, Joe.

(Back to Phelous.)

Phelous: Yeah, he just comes in to try and help when you're getting drenched from a pipe burst? What a creeper.

(Back to the movie. Jill Metzner (Shannon Elizabeth) is standing outside with her boyfriend Tommy Davrow (Darren O. Campbell). The two just waltz into the Tilers' place after everyone has left.)

Phelous (vo): Well, they take off, and Miss No-Family-Anymore (Jill) and Doofy Doo (Tommy) break into the Sheriff's house it???

(Back to Phelous.)

Phelous: It's funny because she's a callous bitch! ...And do it at the Sheriff's house? Why???

Jill: If you want me, I want a roaring fire and a bottle of wine.

(Tommy pours a glass of...champagne, for some reason.)

Phelous (vo): Uh... she said wine, not champagne, jackass. Guess robbers can't be choosers.

(Tommy uses an ice pick to remove chunks of ice from the freezer. He puts a chunk in the glass.)

(Back to Phelous.)

Phelous: Eew! Who throws freezer buildup ice in a drink? It'd be better off tasting a little warm than tasting like the freezer's asshole!

(Back to the movie. A snowball pelts the outside window, gaining Tommy's attention.)

Tommy: Sheriff Tiler? It's Tommy Davrow. Look, uh... I'm not a burglar.

(Back to Phelous.)

Phelous: (mimicking Tommy) I just broke into your house to have sex...and use and steal your things... That's better, apparently.

(Back to the film. Jack Frost has revealed himself to Tommy, who is holding the ice pick in defense.)

Phelous (vo): Wait. Look at how the snowman's arms are here.

(Back to Phelous.)

Phelous: Yeah, I think this fighting stance would look silly for a snowman. Or a guy in a foam suit.

(Back to the film. Jack Frost fires an icicle at Tommy, pinning him to the door by his shoulder.)

Phelous (vo): What -- he can shoot icicles now? Is this something he'll use against anyone else?

(Back to Phelous.)

Phelous: Nooooo.

(Back to the film.)

Jack Frost: Heeeere's the wind-up...and the pitch! (Jack Frost fires another icicle from his hand, which impales Tommy through the forehead.) Woo-hoo! It's a Long Drive! *cruel laughter*

(Back to Phelous.)

Phelous: *groans* I miss Satan Claus thinking Merry Christmas was a joke.

(Back to the film. Jill is in the bathtub, and the water inside has turned into snowflakes. Jack Frost suddenly rises out of the tub, wrapped around Jill's body. His carrot nose seems to be...missing?)

Phelous (vo): Aw, man. I'm just gonna feel so bad if Miss I-Could-Give-A-Shit-About-My-Family (Jill) dies. Oh, funny. The Carrot isn't on his face. Wonder where it went.

(Jack Frost then proceeds to rape Jill, slamming her back against the wall. Jill continues to scream in terror. Back to Phelous, who is stricken by what he has just watched.)

Phelous: Snowman carrot rape. Thank you for that, Jack Frost! Thank you so much. You know, that's almost as good as Thankskilling’s girl getting fucked up the ass by a turkey rape! I think even you managed to get outclassed by that one by trying to add comedy music to it, you tasteless shits!

(A scene from Troll 3 is shown. Then the scene goes back to Phelous again, who still has that grim look on his face, and then back to the movie again.)

Phelous (vo): And she dies...from either the light banging of her head against the wall or...carrot sex.

(Jill finally drops dead to the floor. Blood oozes from her mouth.)

Jack Frost: Looks like Christmas came a little early this year.

(Back to Phelous.)

Phelous: And this was Shannon Elizabeth's first film. Did she go a step up or down when she went to the stupid Pie movies?

(Back to the film. Marla freaks out after seeing the scarf is attached to Jack Frost.)

Sam: Heaven to God.

Jack Frost: Naw! Bitch couldn't make it!

Phelous (vo): You know, when you have that thought, there's something in your heads probably a lot funnier in there than it will be if you say it out loud. Yeah, listen to it at least once, Jack Frost!

Sam: Jack Frost died.

Agent Stone (Rob LaBelle): Jack Frost changed.

Phelous (vo): He can also change into a hose spraying water from the other side of the door. Sweet!

(Sam glances at one of Jack Frost's notes pinned to a corkboard. The criminal's words echo loudly in his thoughts.)

Jack Frost (vo): I'LL FIND A WAY!!!

(Back to Phelous.)

Phelous: Yes, thank you, movie. We got it.

(Back to the film.)

Agent Manners: All right, stand clear.

(Agent Manners fires at the water on the floor, but to no avail. Back to Phelous.)

Phelous: He tried to shoot water. Truly the FBI's finest. (vo) Also, the water completely absorbed the bullets, apparently.

(The scene changes to Sam using a hair dryer against Jack Frost.)

Jack Frost: Agh! Oh! Ouch! (The cord comes out of the outlet.) ...Oops.

Agent Stone: We gotta heat this place up!

Agent Manners: We gotta blow this place! We gotta use cleaning supplies, aerosols, something!

Phelous (vo): Oh, well luckily, we keep a ton of cans of that right here in the exact spot where we need them!

(They all open a bunch of aerosol cans in the place and release their contents into the room. Agent Manners is about to shoot a locked windo open, but is stopped.)

Agent Stone: Don't do that! you'll blow the place!

Agent Manners: Where's the fucking keys???

Sam: Oh, heck...

(The camera zooms in onto a ring of keys.)

Phelous (vo): Yeah. Too bad it's a thin window and can't be smashed or anything. Well, good thing i got this scarf under my nose. Really helps there!

Sam: Come on, you can do it. Come on. Come on...

(Sam reaches out for the keys as water seeps from the cracks between the door.)

Phelous (vo): Oh, come on! All you have to do is grab the keys. You're making this harder than it is!

(The keys fall out onto the floor. Sam finally manages to pick them up. As he goes back to the window, someone reaches out from a cell. Sam calls out in shock.)

Paul: Save me!

Phelous (vo): They locked that guy up for being hysterical? I didn't know destroying a snowman and mild yelling was a "jailable" offense.

(Everyone escapes through the now open window, just as Jack Frost comes after them.)

Agent Manners: Somebody remember to put out the cat.

(Back to Phelous.)

Phelous: Uhh... Good one???

(Manners fires a shot, igniting the flammable clouds.)

Jack Frost: OH, SHIT!!!

(The place explodes, scattering Jack Frost's snowy remains. But alas, he comes back...with his body all out of order.)

Jack Frost: Look, Ma! I'm a Picasso!

Phelous (vo): Well, that's not funny, but oh, look! Now they're tilting their heads around to look at him. It's still not funny.

Jack Frost: Anyone got an aspirin?

(Back to Phelous.)

Phelous: Stop trying to make one-liners, Jack Frost! They're not even making sense anymore!

(Back to the film.)

Doc Peters: Jack Frost was an accident. I created an acid that would bond a human chromosome helix with an inert material. The snow didn't just store Jack Frost's DNA.

Sam: It's taken on his personality.

(Back to Phelous.)

Phelous: Oh, yes. Snow can store DNA. Who knew? No one, 'cuz it's stupid!

(Back to the film.)

Doc Peters: It means that the soul exists. The a chemical.

(Back to Phelous.)

Phelous: Oh, please, go on, movie. Tell me just what elements make up the soul chemical! What's that? You don't have an answer because it's an unneeded asinine explanation to put a serial killer in a snowman? Okay.

(Back to the film. Jack Frost has become a giant snowball and busts down the doorway of what is probably the town hall. The killer snowman is lured into the basement furnace and then shut inside.)

Phelous (vo): Oh, good. Oh, good. Oh, good!

Sam: We iced him.

(Back to Phelous.)

Phelous: "Iced" him? Couldn't say "burned" him? No, we had to say "iced" him. Sheriff, I don't want you hanging out with that Jack Frost anymore. He's a bad one-liner influence.

(Back to the film.)

Phelous (vo): Well, I'm sure he's dead and the last few minutes are just wrap up... (Jack Frost comes up from behind Agent Manners and shows that he unplugged the hairdryer. The killer snowman grows sharp icicle teeth and then bites down hard on Manners' face.) Oh, shit! I was wrong! And now Manners is killed from...deadly face scrape?

Jack Frost: Frostbite.

Phelous (vo): Shut up, shut up, shut up!

(Agent Stone is walking around in an odd manner, as though possessed.)

Agent Stone: Fuck it. (He starts retching what looks like foamy snow.)

(Back to Phelous.)

Phelous: Why did you bother doing that in the first place, then? (The scene of Agent Stone retching is shown again.) And why are you having someone spray the ground with shaving cream behind you? Oh, weird. It stopped during the long shot.

(It turns out Jack Frost has been using Stone's body as a vessel and has now reassembled again.)

Jack Frost: Don't eat yellow snow.

(Back to Phelous.)

Phelous: What? That had nothing to do with anything that was going on! You're just saying words that you think mean something! (Back to the film. Ryan shoves a bag of oats into the killer snowman's face.) So we now discover Jack's one weakness -- oatmeal.

Sam: What'd you put in those oats?

Ryan: Sorry. I didn't want you to get cold.

Sam: What did you put in the oats?

Ryan: Antifreeze.

(Back to Phelous.)

Phelous: Why, you stupid little shit. What are you, two? You've got no excuse for that! No excuse! And if you're that fucking stupid, maybe your parents should pay more attention when you go to the garage for baking supplies! (A shot of Ryan decorating cookies is shown.) And they certainly shouldn't let you bake alone! Just how many poisons did you add to your insta-death cookies anyway, shit for brains?

(Back to the film. The antifreeze has melted part of Jack Frost's face.)

Jack Frost:!!! (An approaching vehicle hits Jack Frost, sending him flying through the air.) I can see your house from up here!

(Back to Phelous.)

Phelous: *groans* No, just no. They dump him in antifreeze. That's it. The end. (A shot of Sam and the killer snowman crashing through a window and into a truckload of antifreeze appears in the bottom right corner of the screen. They dig a grave and fill it with many containers of antifreeze, and one of them starts bubbling, showing that Jack Frost is still alive.) There was no real reason for the personal grudge with the sheriff, because in the end it barely even factored. It's this lame-tastic joke followed by lame-tastic one-liners and the funniest bits in this shit come for how awful they are at pulling off fake snow. So it would just be best to forget the sequelist film and get on with my ending bit. Hey, Lupa. Did you build that snowman yet?

(Cut to Lupa.)

Lupa: No. I was never going to.

Phelous: Oh, but Allison...

Lupa: It's your stupid show. Why would I do that. And why do I keep doing cameos for you?

Phelous: Ah... 'Cuz you're the best girlfriend ever.

Lupa: What's that supposed to mean?

Phelous: Eh... Exactly what I said.

Lupa: Oh, it's like some kind of joke, right?

Phelous: What's the punchline, then?

Lupa: Hmm... Then I'm gonna salt and burn your remains from your death in my Pee-Wee video! *snickers*

(Phelous is suddenly surrounded by a burning flash of light. He falls off the couch with an agonizing gag.)

Lupa: Phelous is dying again. It's a Christmas miracle!

(Cut to Phelous, who is suddenly back on the couch unscathed.)

Phelous: Yup, so talk to you soon.

Lupa: Yup.

(The credits roll.)