May 15, 2012
NC: Hello, I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to.
(A brief clip of Robin Williams appears)
NC: (slaps a hand on his desk) Goddamn it, Robin Williams! Why do you keep showing up here?! Don’t you know I’m running out of jokes?
(Footage featuring Robin Williams in “Jack” plays as NC speaks)
NC (voiceover): I mean, how many times can I say the same thing? You look like you’re searching for an Oscar. We know you can act, so why don’t you pick movies that let you? Your improvs are funny, but not needed in every single movie you do. And what’s this, a movie where he plays a ten-year-old trapped in a man’s body?
NC: Aw, sheesh, I’m running out of stuff, guys! I mean, what can I say about a bad Robin Williams movie that I can’t say about all the other bad Robin Williams movies? I mean, who am I supposed to make fun of? The director?
(An image of Francis Ford Coppola (with accompanying subtitle of his name) appears along with a “Ding!” sound)
NC: (sweeps aside an image of Robin Williams before the image of Coppola slides on in) Hello, new target practice.
NC (voiceover): Yeah, that’s right. One of the most influential directors of all time, Francis Ford Coppola, directed this. Can you believe it? It doesn’t even sound real! Francis Ford Coppola, the director of “The Godfather,” directed a movie where Robin Williams is a ten-year-old in a man’s body. Unless this is some sort of symbolic biography, this is obviously going to fail! I mean, it just doesn’t make sense. (The following images of directors and movie posters appear briefly) It’s like Alfred Hitchcock directing “Rainbow Brite,” or Stanley Kubrick directing “Happy Gilmore,” or Martin Scorsese directing “Hugo”—Okay, that was awesome. (Back to the movie footage) But you get the idea. You never would have guessed this guy would do anything like this in a million years.
NC: (speaks like Michael Corleone from “The Godfather Part II” and grabs the camera to shake it) You broke my heart, Ford! You broke my heart! (speaks normally again after letting go of the camera) So, let’s not waste any time. Let’s take a look at…Francis Ford Coppola’s “Jack.”
(The movie begins, starting off with a black screen)
Bonasera (from “The Godfather”): (audio) I believe in America.
NC (voiceover): Oh, I’m sorry. I mean, (speaks goofily) wacky Halloween party! Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! So we see an expecting mother—played by Diane Lane—dressed up as…Helena Bonham Carter, I think (She’s actually dressed as the Wicked Witch of the West (without green makeup)), and it turns out her baby is coming out much earlier than expected; several months earlier, actually.
(At the hospital, the doctors and nurse prepare for the baby delivery)
Doctor Benfante: Too early for contractions.
Brian Powell: Doc, what’s going on?
Doctor Benfante: She’s dilated.
Male Nurse: (assures Karen) It’s gonna be alright.
Karen: Too soon!
Female Nurse: One more time.
Doctor Benfante: One more deep breath. One more deep breath.
NC (voiceover): (as Doctor Benfante) We will bring this forced comedic plot point into the world!
(The delivery is successful)
NC (voiceover): So they try to figure out what made him come out so fast, and it turns out he has a hyper rare condition most likely caused by bad screenwriting.
Doctor Benfante: Jack’s cells are replicating at an unheard of rate.
Brian Powell: Is he gonna age like this the rest of his life?
Doctor Benfante: At age one, your son may be physically around age four.
Doctor Lin: And if this continues throughout his life by the time he reaches age ten, well…
Doctor Benfante: He could appear to be an ordinary full-grown 40-year-old man.
NC: God, this explains Carlos Mencia so well.
NC (voiceover): Cut to a mere…Pbbbt, ten years later (accompanying subtitle appears)—Yeah! Because I’m sure nothing interesting happened in that amount of time; no reporters, no news stories, no TMZ stalkers—where we see Jack is now ten but looks like he’s about 40. So he stays at home being taught by his teacher (speaks like Bill Cosby) Bill Cahsby, (normal) who thinks it’s time for him to start going to public school.
Karen: I don’t think he can…fit in. I wish he could.
Lawrence Woodruff (Cosby): Nobody said it would be easy.
(As Karen speaks, Jack is seen innocently placing a caterpillar on the branch of a tiny berry plant and admires it before we jump cut to the caterpillar already in a chrysalis)
Karen: I appreciate what you’re trying to do. Brian and I, we’ve seen how people react. We’ve been through this before. (She starts getting emotional and sobs) I just don’t want…Jack…to have to face that.
NC: (as Karen) We don’t want to ruin his world of posing for…
(The chrysalis opens up, revealing a monarch butterfly)
NC (voiceover): (still as Karen) …posters and emotional TV ads.
NC: (as Karen) I know the Oscar crowd is too smart for this manipulation, but we can still try for an Emmy! We can still try for an Emmy!!
NC (voiceover): As the parents think about whether or not he should go to public school, Jack seems to be having a bad dream.
(Jack enters his parents’ bedroom (while wearing pajamas and holding a Stimpy doll) before they wake up from their sleep)
Karen: You okay, honey? Something wrong?
Jack: Oh, I’m okay. Just can’t sleep. I had a scary dream. Can I sleep in here?
Brian: Oh, of course, buddy. (He and Karen make some room on the bed)
NC (voiceover): Okay, now here’s the major problem with the movie. Jack is not being played like a ten-year-old. He’s being played like a kindergartener. And there’s a huge difference! Really think back to that age. Did most ten-year-old boys sleep with a doll or wear silly pajamas…or sleep in an adult’s bed because they had a bad dream? I mean, look at the other ten-year-olds in this movie. Would you imagine any of these kids sleeping in a bed with an adult? Most stories I hear about ten-year-olds usually sleeping in an adult’s bed end up in incarceration!
Brian: (to himself, after Jack gets into bed) It’s the rest of the world I’m worried about.
NC (voiceover): Another good example is when the parents decide that he should start public school. Look at this introduction.
Principal McGee: (to Jack) How would you like to see your classroom? Yes?
Jack: (very quietly) Yes.
Principal McGee: A little louder.
Jack: (even more quietly) Yes.
Principal McGee: A little louder, Jack.
Jack: (shouts loudly) YES!
NC (voiceover): Okay, maybe a kid with severe Tourette’s syndrome would respond that way, but this is not the normal response for a ten-year-old. Could you imagine Harry Potter reacting this way at age ten?
Professor Snape (from “Harry Potter and the Philospher's/Sorcerer’s Stone”): Mr. Potter.
(An animated shouting face (with accompanying audio clip of Jack shouting “YES!”) appears over Harry Potter’s face briefly; an awkward silence follows)
NC (voiceover): But things are looking up when he discovers that his teacher is Jennifer Lopez. Actually, I imagine a lot of things would be going up as soon as he’d discover that.
Miss Marquez (Lopez): (to the class) Alright, uh, I know some of you must be curious about Jack, so…why don’t we just take some time right now and ask him some of the questions that you’ve got on your minds? Come on, since when is this group shy? Alright, fine, I’ve got plenty of questions. (to Jack) Oh, what kind of foods do you just hate?
Miss Marquez: Broccoli. Yuck.
Jack: Makes you fart.
(Most of the class giggles, while a few classmates make faces at the line)
NC (voiceover): Don’t you love the kids’ reaction to that?
Miss Marquez: Broccoli. Yuck.
Jack: Makes you fart.
(The class giggles)
NC (voiceover): (as a classmate) I do not approve of this “broccoli” line. We’re here to learn!
Miss Marquez: (to Jack) Why don’t you go sit down and we’ll get started, okay?
NC (voiceover): We see him break his desk—Ha-ha, bet you didn’t see that one coming, ha-ha—as his mother looks over old pictures of him while…blowing bubbles? (FUCKING BUBBLES!) Um, does she always do this when she’s nostalgic, or is she just high as a kite? I guess I would be, too, if my ten-year-old was a middle-aged Robin Williams.
NC: (as Karen) Whenever I look over photos, I like to view them with confetti. (He throws some confetti in the air) Whimsy!
NC (voiceover): Things don’t go much better when he’s approached by Peppermint Patty and Marcie here.
Lucy: You can’t be ten if you shave and you have hairy arms and you’re tall, really tall, and you’re bigger…
Jack: I’m not a freak. You’re a freak, four eyes!
Jane: (to Lucy) He’s ten. A whole two years older than us. See?
Lucy: Oh, sure. Like, that explains it. Please.
Marcie (from one of the Peanuts specials): (audio) You kinda like Chuck, don’t you, sir?
Peppermint Patty (from one of the Peanuts specials): (audio) Quit calling me “Sir.”
(Jack sits alone before a basketball rolls up and stops near him)
Bully #1: Hey, how about a little help?
(Violin music comes in, bringing in the sympathy for Jack)
NC (voiceover): Really hammering in the subtlety there with a violin, aren’t you, Coppola? Let me guess: We’re supposed to feel sad?? (Jack picks up the basketball) Hey, don’t worry, if you didn’t get it before, there’s a Randy Newman song to explain it!
(An image of Randy Newman appears, and a piano song begins, with NC singing as Newman)
NC (voiceover): (as Randy Newman) Sadness / It makes you feel bad / But at least both your parents weren’t eaten alive by a rhino / That’d be funny.
(Back to the movie)
Bully #2: Wait! I’m not touching that thing. It’s been contaminated now that he’s touched it.
Bully #3: Yeah! I ain’t touchin’ it. (He jokes around by reaching out, almost touching the other boys) Cooties!
NC (voiceover): (sighs) Cooties? Really? At age ten? You know, I think it’s common knowledge that cooties are generally extracted after the age of seven. Everybody knows this! But the next day, they do find a way to use Jack to their advantage, when the bullies come along.
(The musical theme for the Jets gang from “West Side Story” plays as the four bullies are introduced and approach three boys)
Bully #1: Ha! Hey, Louis, you Louis-er (“loser”). Today.
Louis: Well, we got the new kid.
Boy #1: What, are you crazy?
Bully #1: Take it out on the court. It’s time to whip your butt.
Bully #2: Yeah! (Bully #1 gives him a low-five with his fist)
NC (voiceover): Yeah, give me a high-fist, or…whatever you were trying to do there. They pick him (Jack) for the game, and of course, he does incredibly well.
Boy #2: He’s unstoppable!
(Jack does an odd dance while out on the court, and other kids follow along with him)
("Tequila" plays before we cut to a clip from “Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure” with Pee-Wee Herman dancing on a table before a small crowd)
NC (voiceover): (as Pee-Wee Herman) Ha-ha! I have a condition!
NC (voiceover): (normal) On top of that, some of the kids figure out that they can use him to pose as the principal to get out of trouble with their parents, or easier yet, Fran Drescher.
Dolores “D.D.” Durante (Drescher): (approaches Louis) Oh, sweetie. The Beef & Brew gave me ten minutes off.
NC (voiceover): What the hell does she have on? I’m sorry, WHO’S the ten-year-old in the 40-year-old body?
Dolores: So, tell me, what happened to Principal McGee? I just talked to him on the phone.
NC (voiceover): As usual, Fran Drescher’s voice sounds like a series of barn animals having asthma while smoking a box of menthols.
Dolores: (to Jack, laughs) Really?
Dolores: Rolling along?
Jack: Really, really rolling along.
Dolores: (her voice cracks) Wow!
NC: What was that? Christopher Walken eating a cat?
NC: (imitates Dolores) Wow!
NC (voiceover): So Jack is happy that he calls his dad at work and lets him know about his great day.
(At a different location on a farm set, three female models sit on giant carrots as Brian is about to do his photo shoot with them)
Brian’s Assistant: Phone call for you, Brian.
Brian: Yeah, just a sec. Okay.
NC (voiceover): (reacts to the farm set) What the hell does this guy do for a living?! You’d think somehow this occupation would’ve worked its way earlier into the film.
Jack: (speaks with his shirt covering the back part of his head) I got to play basketball today! They picked me!
Brian: ‘Kay, slow down, buddy. Slow down.
Jack: Louie has dirty magazines under his bed. What are dirty magazines? (Karen smiles over her shoulder at him)
NC (voiceover): Really? She’s smi—She’s smiling at the fact that he wants dirty magazines? Oh, who am I kidding? The father’s probably shooting a dirty magazine right now! It’s probably for a section called “The Farmer in Adele”. (A Photoshopped image of a male and female model posing on a pile of hay and milk jugs (respectively) is shown with accompanying title “The Farmer in Adele”)
Jack: Miss Marquez ate one of my red gummy bears. She said “Way to go!” Ya know, but not because of the red gummy bears, because of the way I play basketball.
NC (voiceover): (as Brian) Listen, son, I’d love to talk, but I’ve got sluts on a carrot, whores on vegetables. This opportunity may—strike that—will not come again. I gotta be selfish sometimes, I’m sorry.
Jack: Yeah, listen, Dad, don’t hug me in front of the guys, okay? Yeah, you know, ‘cause it’s like…(pretends to hug himself)…it’s weird.
NC (voiceover): Not like pulling your shirt over your head while talking on the phone. That’s cool.
Brian: Shooting another layout. Carrots…for the Carrot Board. Just giant carrots, yeah.
NC (voiceover): Ohh, so it’s an ad for carrots, huh? Um, yeah, I don’t think carrots have this kind of marketing budget, or at the very least, Playboy-style models.
NC: I mean, does advertising really go this slutty for something so mundane? I don’t know, you tell me.
NC: Well, that last one was a little slutty. Okay, who cares? Back to the review!
NC (voiceover): Jack gets invited to a sleepover with a bunch of the boys in a treehouse.
(There is very little room inside the treehouse, and whenever Jack moves around, stuff gets knocked over)
NC (voiceover): Ha-ha, stuffed knocked over. (sarcastically laughs)
Boy #3: So you bought that magazine?
Boy #3: What about Hustler? Do you get Hustler?
Jack: If you want it.
NC (voiceover): (as a boy reading a Penthouse magazine) Hey, check out this one. Four whores on a carrot!
Boy #4: Swank?
Jack: That, and, uh…you know, all the grown-up stuff that only grown-ups can read.
NC (voiceover): So Jack is now the official porn boy, off to get naked pictures free for all the young kids to see. It’s like an early version of the Internet.
Boy #3: (reads a magazine with the other boys looking over his shoulder) Check this out.
Boy #4: (scoots up closer) Excuse me.
Boy #2: Do you think our moms look like that?
NC: (takes off his glasses to cover his face in disbelief) I did not just hear that.
Boy #5: Hey, Jack, do you ever get a boner?
NC: (removes his hands from his face) I did not just hear THAT!
NC (voiceover): Okay, Ford Coppola, quick lesson on boys…seeing how you clearly never were one. Boys don’t ask about this stuff. We just act like we know it and horribly make fun of the other dumb boys who actually ask about this stuff. And, of course, boys looking at naked women is totally cool, but then when actual girls come around, “EEEWWW, gross! Cooties! Eeewww!”
(The next day, Lucy and Jane arrive at the foot of the tree where the treehouse is, and Jack and Louis come out to meet them from above)
Jane: Let us up! Please? I want to see what it’s like up there.
Jack: Could you guys hold on for a second? We just want to clean the place up a little bit, okay? NO GIRLS ALLOWED! (He and the other boys start throwing water balloons at the girls down below)
Unknown Boy: Direct hit!
NC (voiceover): (as Jack) Ho-ho! I’m totally isolating you because you’re different. Hypocrisy, thy name is Jack! Ho-ho!
(The girls get away on their bikes, and Jack raises his fists in triumph)
NC (voiceover): He brings his home-school teacher out to the treehouse because…yeah, wouldn’t that make you the cool kid? Sweater vests and ties are totally in!
(The boys fill up a bucket with a mix of various condiments and food items)
Lawrence Woodruff: Fellas, no, this is enough. (to Jack) Did you eat this yet?
Jack: Yeah. Everybody has to.
Boys: Yep. It’s good!
NC: Oh, come on, he’s had worse. He’s worked for Jell-O.
(Woodruff sticks his hand into the bucket to grab a glop of the mixture and pull it out)
Boys: (chant) Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
Woodruff: (to Jack) I love you, man. (He eats the glop)
(All the boys delightfully groan in disgust; the treehouse soon collapses due to the heavy weight of everybody inside it)
NC (voiceover): (as Woodruff) This house is fallin’ faster than my movie career!
NC (voiceover): (as Jack) Mine, too. Ho-ho!
(After ending up on the ground, all the boys groan in pain from the fall)
NC (voiceover): So…that entire scene was pointless, which leads to a nice bit of awkwardness when Jack asks Jennifer Lopez if she would go with him to the dance.
Jack: I was thinking that maybe…if you didn’t have anything to do…that you might want to go to the dance with me.
Miss Marquez: Jack, you don’t want to go with me. I’m an old lady.
Jack: That’s why I can’t go with the girls my age, because I look so much older than them.
NC: …I would call the cops. I won’t lie.
NC (voiceover): It’s also a little confusing that in this world, they throw a dance for kids when apparently at this age, they’re still tossing water balloons at girls. Unless you want a couple of Carries (Accompanying image of Carrie from “Carrie” appears briefly) loose in your room, that doesn’t seem like a good idea.
Miss Marquez: Teachers and students don’t go to dances together. Do you understand that?
NC (voiceover): Oh, and by the way, that dance they’re talking about? Never happens. Because coincidentally, just at the moment of this emotional assassination, Jack also finds he’s going through more growth spurts, which causes him to fall down and go boom.
Doctor Benfante: (voice only) The physical signs of aging are going to occur more quickly. His body’s working overtime.
NC (voiceover): After giving him a “Get Well” gift, his mother thinks it might be best for him to be taught at home again.
Karen: (to Jack, who is juggling some balls) We’re going to go back to the way things were before you started school.
Jack: (stops juggling and looks at her in disbelief, the chuckles a bit) No.
Karen: Hey, remember all the fun we had?
Jack: No. No! NO!
NC (voiceover): Dude, you’re being offered NOT to go to school. Take advantage of it!
(Furious, Jack gets up to leave his room)
NC (voiceover): So he runs away and goes to the night club that Drescher said she often hangs out at. And I’m not gonna lie, the next 20 minutes has no purpose whatsoever. He talks with a guy about relationships who looks like John Edwards—which, if you’ve been keeping up, you shouldn’t be talking to guys about relationships who look like John Edwards. He tries to hit on Fran Drescher, she lets out a Velociraptor voice…
Dolores: (laughs) What a nice surprise!
NC: (mocks Dolores) Nice surprise! (On the second syllable for “surprise”, the sound effect of a Velociraptor screaming is added in)
NC (voiceover): He accidentally gets in a fight with Willem Dafoe*, gets sent to jail, Drescher bails him out, and he stays away from public school. The hell was the point of all that?! Yeah, let’s try this again. Let’s try “I think you should stay away from public school,” and now he stays away from public school. All that bar/Drescher/Green Goblin, it’s…not needed! You could have cut this whole bar scene, and you wouldn’t have missed a thing. All you need to know is that he’s sad, and leaving public school is enough to get him sad. This isn’t Oliver Stone’s “The Doors”; he doesn’t need to go into a deep rock-star depression!
- - That's not Willem Dafoe, that's Edward Lynch
(In a scenario, NC pretends to be Jack, drunk while holding onto an empty milk jug with one hand and a shots glass in another)
NC: (as Jack) Give me another gallon of milk.
Bartender (offscreen): Don’t you think you’ve had enough?
NC: (as Jack) I’ll tell you when I’ve had enough! (He sighs in exhaustion a couple times) I think it’s time to spank the monkey. (He chuckles as he brings up a giant stuffed ape to place in his lap) Oh, Bobo, you used to be my childhood friend. Where are you now? (He spanks the stuffed ape a few times) Where are you now?! You said you’d make everything easy for me! But you’re not! You—(starts sobbing and hugs the stuffed ape) Oh, I’m so sorry, buddy. Oh, why did I drink the 2%?
(Back to the movie)
NC (voiceover): So he gets depressed and never goes outside to play with his friends. God, I haven’t seen him this low since “Popeye.” But the kids keep asking, hoping one of these days, he’ll finally come out again.
Boy #4: Jack’s Mother?
Boy #1: Mrs. Powell, can Jack come out and play?
Karen: He doesn’t want to.
(Disappointed, Boy #4 walks away)
Jane and Lucy: Hey, Jack’s Mother! (Karen, standing inside the entry hall with her back against the door, gives in and opens the door) Jack’s Mother! Can Jack come out and play?
NC: (as Jane and Lucy) We really missed the way he called us names and threw water balloons at us. Can we have more of that?
(More kids gather together at the front of the house, asking for Jack to come out, all while light-hearted brass music playing in the background)
NC (voiceover): Um, is this really appropriate music to play? I mean, it’s not like he’s coming out or feeling better. He’s still crying like mad in his room. This really doesn’t seem to fit! Do other crying scenes work as well with this music?
(Cut to a clip from “Marley and Me” with John Grogan (Owen Wilson) comforting Marley (a dog), who lays dying on a surgery table)
John: It’s okay. They’re not doing anything. Remember how we were always saying what a pain you are? That you are the world’s worst dog?
(Light-hearted brass music from “Jack” begins to play over this scene)
John: Don’t believe it. Don’t believe it for even a minute, because you know we couldn’t find a better dog. I love you.
(Footage from “Marley and Me” stops before cutting to a small screenshot of that movie with the captions “We’re aware this beautiful moment might have been destroyed by this music” and “If Scarred for Life, Please Call 1-800-NC-KILLED-MARLEY For Help” appearing below)
(Back to the movie)
NC (voiceover): So through the magic of…honestly, I don’t know, Jack finds the confidence to go back to school and be with his friends again, just when his best friend is saying what he wants to be when he grows up. (speaks sarcastically) Gee, could it be like his best friend Jack?
Louis: (speaks to the class) I want to be just like my best friend when I grow up.
(Jack runs up the stairs of the school toward his classroom)
Louis: (voice only) He’s like the perfect grown-up, because on the inside, he’s still just a kid.
Louis: It’s like he’s looking at everything for the first time. (Jack appears at the door) He knows how to be a great friend, more than most people who are adults. (Jack opens the door)
Boy #4: (to his classmates) It’s Jack!
(Other classmates mutter to each other “Jack”; a clip from “The Nightmare Before Christmas” intercuts with the scene)
Clown: Jack’s back!
Lagoon Creature: Jack?
Halloweentown Citizen: Jack’s okay!
Halloweentown Townspeople: (sings, intercutting with Jack giving high-fives to his classmates and going to sit down at his desk) Jack’s okay, and he’s back, okay / He’s alright / Let’s shout / Make a fuss / Scream it out! / Wheeee!
Louis: So I may not know what I want to be when I grow up. And right now, I really don’t care. I want to be like the giant. My best friend…Jack.
NC: You know, it’s at clichéd, horribly written scenes like this that I’m sorry, I really cannot believe Francis Ford Coppola, THE Francis Ford Coppola directed this! (Beat) Maybe it needs a killing spree. I mean, you know, a baptism at the end of “Godfather” isn’t particularly dramatic, but a bunch of people being gunned down, it suddenly seems really heavy! Let’s try it. Let’s see if this scene works better with a killing spree.
Louis: (speaks to the class) I want to be just like my best friend when I grow up.
(A clip from “The Godfather” with mobsters leaving an elevator before being shot by another mobster intercuts with this scene)
Louis (voice only): He’s like the perfect grownup. Because on the inside, he’s just a kid.
Louis: He’s not afraid to learn things or try things…
(In another “Godfather” clip, a mobster approaches Moe Greene (who is wearing glasses and being given a back massage) and shoots him in the eye)
Louis (voice only): …or to meet new people the way most grownups are.
Louis: It’s like he’s looking at everything for the first time…
(In another “Godfather” clip, a mobster shoots a man twice)
Louis (voice only): …because he is.
Louis: So I may not know what I want to be when I grow up.
(In another “Godfather” clip, a mobster dressed as a police officer shoots at several men in public)
Louis (voice only): And right now, I really don’t care. I want to be like the giant. My best friend…
(Baptism organ music plays briefly as Louis and Jack smile at each other)
NC: Nah, it still sucks. Still sucks.
(Jack opens the top of his desk too far, and he grabs the opposite end of the desk to hold everything together before falling backwards like a klutz; the class laughs at this)
NC (voiceover): (laughs sarcastically) Oh-ho-ho, IT’S STILL NOT FUNNY!!
(The movie’s title card “Seven Years Later” appears)
NC (voiceover): Oh, for God’s sake - how often are they gonna skip around gigantic periods of time that we’d actually be interested in seeing?! (An image of Mr. Peabody and Sherman from “The Rocky and Bullwinkle Show” appears briefly) Peabody and Sherman stayed in time periods longer than this!!
(At the graduation ceremony, we see Jack appearing a little older with just whiter hair)
NC (voiceover): (laughs) What? I…Oh, no. I—no. No, no, no, no.
NC: (laughs some more) No, no, no, no, I… (Beat) Movie…Ford Coppola…okay, guy who transformed Brando into a frail old man (An image of Vito Corleone appears briefly)…half a can of white spray paint doesn’t equal…frail old man!
NC (voiceover): That’s not a person who’s had years and years thrown on his life. That’s a bad Halloween costume of Mark Twain! The only thing missing is a fake Gandalf beard (A Photoshopped image of a long white beard appears on Jack briefly); that really would have topped things off!
Jack: (gives his speech before the audience) I’m cool. (The audience laughs)
NC (voiceover): And here’s the biggest surprise of the movie: Robin Williams gives a big speech!
Jack: You know, as we come to the end of this phase of our life, we find ourselves trying to remember the good times.
NC: You know, I’m convinced; if you just take all the big dramatic Robin Williams speeches from all his movies and just put them all together, they basically just say the same thing. Let’s try it.
(The mashup of Robin William’s speeches begins with Jack (from “Jack”) at the bottom of the screen)
Jack: Where am I gonna be in ten years?
Patch Adams (from Patch Adams): (appears at the top left corner) Death is not the enemy, gentlemen.
Daniel Hillard (from “Mrs. Doubtfire”): (appears at the top right corner) The idea of someone telling me I can’t be with them, I can’t see them every day.
NC (voiceover): (as all three of Robin Williams’ characters, simultaneously) I am quirky, which is good! I fought things and I won. I’ll be saying this in the next five movies I’m in. I’ll apologize by doing more stand-up.
NC: Yeah. Yeah, I had a feeling.
NC (voiceover): So he rides off with his friends, and…that’s it! Yeah, we don’t know what happens after that, we don’t know if he goes on and dies or if he makes anything of his life or…it just sort of stops. Did you learn anything, audience? Any stuff that might help you if you ever turn into a ten-year-old trapped in a man’s body?
NC: Well, I’ve learned something! I’ve learned that this is the best choice that Francis Ford Coppola has ever made since he said, “Hey! You know what my Dracula movie is missing? ONE OF THE GUYS FROM “BILL AND FUCKING TED”!! (An image from “Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure” appears briefly)
(A montage of clips from the movie plays out as NC gives his final thoughts)
NC (voiceover): I literally feel nothing coming out of this. If it focused on him getting older or even dying or, hell, how about just getting the details about the actual age right, then maybe something. But as is? There’s a lot of other movies that do the “little kid in the big body” thing better, like “Big,” “Vice Versa,” or “Freaky Friday.” (Movie posters for said movies (including both adaptations of “Freaky Friday”) appear) Which one? EITHER OF THEM! They’re both better than this emotionally lacking experience. I mean, okay, sometimes, it’s a little gentle, and sometimes, it can have a nice scene, but it’s very rare. And honestly, Jack is not really much of a defined character, and a lot of that is because they spend more time on pointless scenes and obvious humor.
NC: (has an image of Robin Williams below him) Williams…you know the drill. (He sweeps the image aside before an image of Francis Ford Coppola slide in under him; he points to the camera) Ford Coppola, SHAME ON YOU!! This movie deserves what I like to call the traditional Ford Coppola treatment.
(In a clip from “The Godfather, Part II,” the movie poster for “Jack” is superimposed over Fredo Corleone as he and Neri are out fishing on Lake Tahoe; Fredo is heard giving a Hail Mary prayer; Michael Corleone watches from afar in his den as we hear a gunshot; in the next shot, the movie poster lays on its side, supposedly dead)
NC: (bows his head in silent sorrow, then raises his head brightly) I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to. (He gets up to leave)
Channel Awesome Tagline—Dolores: Wow!