October 10, 2017
(The full version of Channel Awesome logo is shown. We open on a red curtain a la Frankenstein, with audience chatter in the background. Hyper Fangirl walks out in front of the curtain, waving)
HFG: Hello! Usually, when someone walks in front of a red curtain, it's to tell you that you're about to see something scary. (holds up index finger) And indeed, by Internet standards, you will be seeing something scary tonight: opinions!
(The audience is heard reacting audibly)
Someone in audience (Doug): (high-pitched, shrieking) OH, MY GOD!!!
HFG: I know! I know. Sometimes, opinions can be scary, especially when they're not your own. But, remember when Nostalgia Critic reviewed IT for the first time and everyone got really angry, and now everyone wants him to do a Stephen King review once a year? So, being the Internet, we can all be adults here and just agree that there's better things to argue about.
(The audience starts booing and throws negative comments at her; she ducks to avoid getting hit)
HFG: My fiancee said that this would happen, so he wrote me a little backup speech. (she bends down and picks up a HUGE MACHINE GUN, which she holds out at the audience menacingly) ANY O' YOU CRYBABIES SHIT-PANTS GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT, YOU CAN TALK IT UP WITH ME!!!
(With that, she opens fire on the audience! The machine gun bullets mow them down in a barrage of bullets, until the audience's screaming fades into silence)
HFG: (smiling) There, that's better. (sets gun down) Enjoy the review. Have a good time. And remember, if anyone feels triggered, you can say hello to (suddenly picks up machine gun again) MY TRIGGER, BEYOTCH!!
(She fires a shot that triggers the 2017 Nostalgia-Ween opening. This time, the graves in the Joke Cemetery are depicted as follows: "Simpsons After Season 6", "Joel Schumacher Cinematic Universe", "Good Transformers Films", and "Nicolas Cage Saying 'No'". For the Simpsons couch gag inside Channel Awesome studios, live-action NC, Tamara and Malcolm all run up to the couch, only to spot a red balloon with eyes on it floating there. They all scream and run away)
(We then see a title card called "Almost Got It", a parody of the Batman animated series episode "Almost Got 'Im". We fade into a poker table in a darkened room, where we see Pennywise the Dancing Clown, the one played by Tim Curry in the 1990 miniseries (Doug), playing cards with Pennywise the Dancing Clown, the one played by Bill Skarsgard in the movie (also Doug). We first see their hands holding their cards as they speak with each other (the one holding all the Joker cards, the other all the aces))
Pennywise (Tim Curry): So I hear your cinematic version is breaking all sorts of box office records. You know, when mine was on TV, the ratings were through the roof.
Pennywise (Bill Skarsgard): Ratings? What are those?
Pennywise (Curry): They were how you measured success before Netflix arrived.
Pennywise (Skarsgard): Sounds stupid.
Pennywise (Curry): It kind of was. (We see another pair of hands playing cards (more specifically, Shadows over Innistrad set from Magic: The Gathering series) with the two clowns) They told us nobody watched Family Guy, but the fans brought it back so that years later, nobody will watch Family Guy.
Pennywise (Skarsgard): Well, what we measure now is box office. It's only a matter of time before people say I'm the definitive It.
(The two Pennywises are now fully shown)
Pennywise (Curry): Ah-ha! I started haunting children's nightmares first!
Pennywise (Skarsgard): First is worst! That's what a YouTube commenter would tell you!
Pennywise (Curry): They're already looking back and remembering how awesome I was! I'm telling you, bucko, I almost got It!
Pennywise (Skarsgard): No! Time will pass, and they'll all remember me! I almost got It!
(The third card player is Maurice Moss from The IT Crowd (Malcolm))
Moss: I feel like I shouldn't be here. You see, where I come from is pronounced IT Crowd, as opposed to It Crowd.
Pennywise (Curry): Oh, shut up, Moss, and tell us which It is better!
Pennywise (Skarsgard): Yeah! Come on! I'm scarier!
Moss: You see...
Pennywise (Curry): But I'm funnier!
Pennywise (Skarsgard): We're not supposed to be funny!
Pennywise (Curry): We're friggin' clowns!
Moss: This is going worse than my American pilot.
(A whistle is suddenly heard as all three look as to what it is. NC has just come in)
NC: Hello, boys. Pour me a cupcake vodka martini. Deal me in.
(The two Pennywises immediately frown upon seeing NC)
Pennywise (Curry): No.
Pennywise (Skarsgard): We are so not doing that.
Pennywise (Curry): No.
NC: (sits down) Oh, come on. What's the big deal?
Pennywise (Skarsgard): You always ruin It for people!
Pennywise (Curry): Yeah. Kids used to be afraid of me, but now they just come up to me and go, "Wa-ha! Wa-ha! Wa-ha!"
NC: Oh, come on. I liked some things in It. The kids were good, you were good.
Pennywise (Curry): And?
NC: (short beat) I don't know. I blacked out due to the Stephen King Drinking Game.
(Pennywise (Curry) sighs in annoyance)
Pennywise (Skarsgard): Oh, my God! That game comes with a Surgeon General's warning, doesn't it?
Pennywise (Curry): Yeah, you see, this is what he does! He ruins scary things by pointing out their flaws! Like asking why my head turning into a dog was supposed to be scary!
NC: Well, why was it supposed to be scary?! (Pennywise (Curry) sighs in annoyance) Did the Pound Puppies take over development?!
Pennywise (Skarsgard): Forget it! You're not gonna ruin our fun!
NC: Okay, look. Both of you are trying to figure out who's the definitive version. Doesn't it make sense to have me here, both sides, to figure out which one is better? Have me be the one to determine who almost got It?
Pennywise (Curry): Not really, no.
Pennywise (Skarsgard): Awful idea.
NC: Well, screw you. I'm not talking about The Dark Tower movie.
Pennywise (Curry): That's fair.
Pennywise (Skarsgard): You know what? Go ahead! Everybody in the world loves my movie. The President of Critics said, "If Jesus was a movie, this would be that movie." The United Nations of Film Critics said, "Just stop making movies altogether. Nothing will ever top It." And the Holy Church of Heavenly Criticisms said, "Take me now, Death. I do not fear you, because I have seen It, and I know nothing in life will ever be better." Going overboard, you may say? Riding the hype train, perhaps? I say, no. I challenge you, nay welcome you, to find one single solitary thing wrong with my version of It.
NC: (completely unfazed by all of this) Okay. (to the viewers) This is the cinematic version of It.
Pennywise (Skarsgard): Was kind of hoping you'd be intimidated by that.
NC: I wasn't.
Pennywise (Skarsgard): (disappointed) Oh.
(We are shown the title of the movie, before we go to view the movie, via reenactments. We see Georgie (Tamara) inside a house in the middle of a rainy day. The credits are rolling as the characters speak)
NC (vo): As the credits roll, we see a little boy named Georgie and his stuttering brother named Bill.
(Credits read "Starring: Bill Skarsgard". We are shown Bill (Malcolm) instead of the real Bill)
Bill (Malcolm): Mmmmm-hmmmm.
(Credits read "Bill")
NC (vo): Okay, for the sake of dialogue, we'll switch him out.
(Bill is removed from existence and replaced with a Bill more closely resembling the one from the film, played by Walter Banasiak. Credits read "New White Bill")
Georgie: New White Bill! Do you think that the S. S. Georgie is ready to sail?
(Credits read "Pawn Sacrifice in Yellow Coat")
Bill: Sh-sh-she sure is.
(Credits read "Not the 'Stranger Things' Kids")
Bill: Y-y-you always call a ship a sh-sh-she.
(Credits read "Except One")
Georgie: Even if it's called the S. S. Georgie?
Bill: You want to get to the real problems of this film or not?
Georgie: Yeah. Okay.
(Credits read "Every Stephen King Trope". Transition occurs via a paper ship named "S. S. Deadmeat")
NC (vo): He's excited to test out his paper boat in the rain, but not before he gets what he needs in the creepy basement.
(Credits read "TWO Creepy Pedophiles". Georgie enters the basement and sees two small lights resembling Pennywise's eyes glowing in the dark. Credits read "Balloons")
Georgie: Yeah, I'm pretty sure you're not gonna kill me off before the credits end...
(Credits read "Tommy Tibble from Author")
Georgie: ...and also, everybody knows that drain sewer scene...
(Credits read "Lucas from Dark Tower")
Georgie: ...so, I'm just gonna assume that those are light bulbs.
(Credits read "He Sure Traded Up on King Movies". Georgie shines a flashlight on the blinking dots, and it is revealed that they are indeed light bulbs, and anthropomorphic ones at that. Credits read "Mr. and Mrs. Lightbulb")
Mr. Lightbulb (voiced by Doug): Well, you don't have to be so mean about it.
(Cut to the famous sewer scene, with suspenseful music building up. Credits read "Blue Sky Posing as Rainy Day")
NC (vo): Georgie loses his boat in the drain, though, coming across the infamous clown — Pennywise.
Pennywise: (peeks out of the sewer drain with a Kubrick stare) Hiya, Georgie!
(Suspenseful music stops abruptly)
Georgie: Nope. (just flat out runs off)
Pennywise: Hey, wait! Where are ya going?!
(Back at the poker table)
Pennywise (Skarsgard): Hey, wait! Where is he going?
NC: No kid would be drawn to someone that scary-looking!
Pennywise (Skarsgard): Yeah, but they were drawn to him, and he's not even scary!
Pennywise (Curry): Exactly, you dumbass.
NC (vo): One of the reasons Pennywise creeped people out so much is he was a legitimately good clown. He was goofy and funny, so he could lure kids into his evil traps.
NC: This guy couldn't lure awkward fanart to Tumblr!
Pennywise (Skarsgard): Hey, I was legitimately creepy! I feed off people's fears!
Pennywise (Curry): But you don't feed off their dumb. Something has to draw them in.
Pennywise (Skarsgard): You want drawing in? How about this?
(We are shown the continuation of the sewer scene. Pennywise makes idiotic sounds. Both he and Georgie begin to laugh. Pennywise suddenly stops laughing and gives a Kubrick stare. A long pause)
Georgie: ...I gotta go.
Pennywise (Curry): Oh, yeah, that worked great.
Pennywise (Skarsgard): You know, we should have just jumped to eating him.
Pennywise (Curry): True.
(Georgie gets mauled to death)
NC (vo): Mourning the loss of his brother, Bill, over time, acquires a group of foul-mouthed friends known as the Token Troop- I mean, Losers' Club- I mean... Let's say Token Club.
NC: It uses a lot of the traditional kid group tropes, but, to be fair, it was one of the originators of it, so let's give them a little leeway.
NC (vo): Like when token girl, Bev, (played by Aiyanna Wade) seems to get along with the token fat kid, Ben. (played by Jason Laws)
Beverly: So, you're the new kid on the block. What are you listening to?
(She takes his headphones and puts them on)
Beverly: ...New Kids on the Block. (she pauses to think about the dialogue which just happened) Really?
Ben: Yeah, really?
NC: Okay, it's like the only 80s they cram down your throat.
Beverly: But it's dumb.
Ben: Really dumb.
NC: Okay, do you want that, or do you want to do what every movie about the 80s does now and have you wear this?
(Beverly and Ben are both shown wearing cliched 80s stuff, including weird visors, bright-colored wigs, and a large amount of 80s films taped to their chests. They both pause for a moment)
Beverly: We'll take the lame joke.
NC: Good. Now get back to your romantic-kinda-maybe-sorta relationship.
Beverly: I guess I'll be... somewhat attracted to you later?
(Upbeat romantic music plays as they leave)
NC: Oddly enough, the other characters are introduced early on through Pennywise scares.
NC (vo): Which is strange, as we're supposed to be afraid for them, even though we don't know them very well yet. Like Stanley, the Jewish trope.
(We are shown a scene of Stanley (Trevor Mueller) standing in front of a creepy-looking painting with the caption "TEAMWORK: Do It or She'll Kill You")
Stanley: (feigning interest) Huh, I wonder why a Jewish temple would have a creepy abstract painting of a woman. I wonder if it's modeled after that woman over there. (screams)
(An woman identical to the one in the painting appears and walks in Stanley's general direction. He screams, but she disappears)
Stanley: Hmm. I guess I'll tell no one about this. (nonchalantly leaves)
NC: Yeah, I have no jokes for that moment. That was a legitimately scary scene.
(He pauses for a while and then begins quietly applauding)
NC (vo): Which is a shame, because some scares are ruined by the film's inability to go all the way with its ideas. For example, a germaphobe trope named Eddie (Tamara) is looking for his medication. A creepy-looking hand grabs it and holds it up to him.
(We are shown a scene of what NC just described, with the hand in the foreground and the figure's blurred face in the background)
NC: Now, this is a brilliant setup.
NC (vo): Framing the hand in the foreground, keeping the person's identity blurred, building up how scary he's gonna look.
NC: This is masterful! But then, when it's revealed what he looks like...
(The face comes into the foreground, revealing it to be that of Chester A. Bum)
Chester: (waving his head around) Ooooooh, I have a cold! Oooooooh!
NC: That payoff isn't scary enough. It's just a really sick-looking guy!
(Chester attempts to scare Eddie by sneezing repeatedly, but the child retorts by putting on a surgical mask)
NC (vo): He's supposed to be a leper, but, come on, you could've gone more creepy than this. To a germaphobe, I guess that's scary, but to us, it's not that bad.
(Chester then resorts to asking Eddie for change. Eddie puts a few coins into his cup, and Chester mouths 'Bless you')
NC (vo): Scares can be lessened in other ways, too. The black kid trope named Mike (Malcolm) is quickly shown the grisly remains of a building that burned down.
(We are shown a scene of Mike, as he watches a pair of charred hands peek from under the garage door, spazzing around while attempting to open it. The suspenseful music is turned up to eleven, and the camera is constantly shaking. The garage door then opens, and a pair of glowing eyes greets him. A car then attempts to run Mike over, and only then does the music stop)
NC: Now, this would be incredibly disturbing if the music just shut the hell up.
NC (vo): Most of the soundtrack is hugely over-the-top. When it's supposed to be pleasant, it crams whimsy into you like Tinker Bell being shoved up your ass.
(A cheesy scene of the Losers' Club frolicking in the fields is shown, with whimsical music playing in the background)
Disembodied Voice (Doug): Pleasant, nice, oh-so-wonderful, childhood is great, there's nothing wrong with it, yaaaaay...
NC: And when it's supposed to be scary, it works in the softer moments, but there aren't that many softer moments.
NC (vo): Instead, it turns what should be goosebumps creeping up your spine into jump scares being bashed into your skull.
NC: Look, a scary soundtrack, like any soundtrack, is essential. But when it's used too much, it can become like a laugh track, where it's forcing down your throat what should be coming to you naturally.
NC (vo): Let's try this scene again, except take the music down a lot and focus more on the eerie silence and a few well-chosen sound effects.
(We are shown the exact scene with the exact same visuals, but instead of intense orchestra hits, there is only a few sound effects of the hands scratching the metal doors, and some droning here and there. When the garage door opens, the music stops, which makes the car going by all the more surprising)
NC: Didn't that seem creepier? Wasn't even the car driving by more jarring?
(We are shown the scene of Ben being chased by a burned headless ghost)
NC (vo): Now, don't get me wrong, some scares work brilliantly, like the burned headless ghost. His reveal and the way he moves is chillingly unnerving.
NC: But, I'll admit, it does get a little silly when you have to show it's still Pennywise.
(We are shown Pennywise spastically running towards the camera, screaming in a silly fashion)
Pennywise (Skarsgard): Wait a minute, what do you mean, "silly"? There's nothing silly about me! I'm the most frightening thing in cinema!
(Beat. NC and Pennywise (Curry) look at each other disdainfully)
NC: You wanna tell him, or should I?
Pennywise (Curry): I think we should both tell him.
Pennywise (Skarsgard): What? Tell me what?
NC and Pennywise (Curry): YOU'RE A CLOWN!
NC: No matter what you do, you're gonna be a little silly!
Pennywise (Curry): Just embrace it, you oddball of denial!
Pennywise (Skarsgard): (taken aback) That's not true! Remember when I scared bland leader trope- I mean, Billy, by scaring him with his dead brother?
(Cut to a scene of Pennywise controlling Georgie's corpse in a ventriloquist fashion, to the shock of Billy)
Pennywise: Ha-ha-ha-ha! Look, I'm Jeff Dunham if he was ever funny! Ha-ha-ha-ha!
(Back to the table)
Pennywise (Skarsgard): Now, come on. That's scary, isn't it?
NC: Yeah, but... it's still a little funny, too.
Pennywise (Skarsgard): I'm not supposed to be funny! I get really scary when I run up to him like this! (proceeds to flail his arms around while screaming in a silly fashion)
NC: (holding back laughter) What is that...?
Pennywise (Skarsgard): It's my thing. A creepy way of running. (continues flailing)
(Both NC and Pennywise (Curry) try extremely hard to hold back their laughter)
Pennywise (Curry): You look and sound like a possessed Olaf from Frozen.
Pennywise (Skarsgard): Go back to haunting FernGully! This is scary! (continues flailing)
NC: Oh, my God, is there any way we could play the Benny Hill music over that?
Pennywise (Curry): Oh, my God, totally do that.
Pennywise (Skarsgard): This is scary! (continues flailing)
(NC takes out his phone and plays a MIDI of the Benny Hill theme. NC and Pennywise (Curry) begin laughing uncontrollably. Pennywise (Skarsgard) stops flailing and becomes cross)
Pennywise (Curry): Wa-ha! Wa-ha! Wa-ha! Oh, that's... that's... that's gold.
Pennywise (Skarsgard): This was never funny until I met you!
(Explosions appear and Richie (Heather Reusz) pops up as Critic is explaining his details)
NC (vo): This one kid in the film, I swear, is in his own separate movie, and that's Richie.
("RICHIE" in big gold letters appears when Critic says his name)
NC: I love this kid. Mostly because he's like the dorky version of Ash. Think about it, he has all the one-liners...
Richie: They say Derry's a town of beaver traps. And it still is! AM I RIGHT, BOYS?!
NC: ...except when he doesn't.
Richie: Something, something, something, YOUR MOM! Am I right, boys?!
NC: He's super cowardly...
Richie: (acting scared) I...I don't want to go in there.
NC (vo): ...except when he's not.
Richie: (now acting tough and holding a bat, with the American flag in the background) You see this? This is my bat stick!
NC: He's somehow the geekiest and coolest kid in the entire movie. The consistent inconsistency.
(The words "GEEK ON", again in gold letters, appears on the screen below Richie)
NC (vo): But other inconsistencies are more distracting than fun, like the adults not noticing the blood that the kid sees is more unsettling in this one.
(Beverly is shown in the bathroom, which is completely covered in blood. Beverly's father (Jim) comes in, but doesn't notice the blood)
Beverly's Father: You do something with your hair? (a moment of silence) Hm. I'm gonna do some creepy shit over here. (walks away)
NC: But then the kids are cleaning the blood rocking out to an 80s song.
(The Losers' Club are shown cleaning the bathroom while dancing to cheerful rock music)
NC: (confused) The... upbeat blood-cleaning scene?
NC (vo): Why don't you just throw a whisk in there like a chick flick while you're at it?
(Beverly is shown holding a whisk. Pennywise (Skarsgard) becomes annoyed as Pennywise (Curry) laughs at him)
Pennywise (Curry): Wa-ha! See? You have no idea what you're doing! Now, our version, on the other hand, we made balloons scary!
NC: (speaks deadpan) No, you didn't.
Pennywise (Curry): Little bit?
NC: No little bit.
Pennywise (Curry): Teeny-tiny?
NC: Stop now.
Pennywise (Curry): (disappointed) Yeah, okay.
NC: The new movie, however, kind of did.
Pennywise (Curry): (shocked) WHAT?!
(Pennywise (Skarsgard) nods in satisfaction. As NC speaks, we are shown Pennywise holding his red balloons to intimidate Bill and Richie on different occasions. During Bill's encounter, Pennywise holds a bunch of balloons and moving them up slightly to reveal his face. During Richie's encounter, the balloon is shown moving towards the screen and popping, revealing Pennywise holding a sign saying "Boo")
NC (vo): For one, all the balloons are red, helping them stand out more and serving as an eerie visual. Dollars to donuts for a long time, when someone just sees a single red balloon, they're gonna think of It. Second, they're used to reveal something. There's always something creeping behind it.
NC: The balloon itself is not scary, but rather a buildup to the actual scare we're about to get.
NC (vo): Thus, when we see it, we do start to get frightened.
NC: I'll even say the bullies are a lot better.
NC (vo): Yeah, the ultimate generic Stephen King trope is actually done fairly well here, particularly with the main bully, Henry, who's not only given a backstory that's very quick to grasp, but they also make it clear that his type of bullying is more psychotic than most other bullying. It isn't just run-of-the-mill, they acknowledge it's pretty messed up.
(We are shown a scene of Ben being held by two bullies (Malcolm and Jim), and Henry (Bryan Porter) standing in front of him, with a knife in one hand and a cute puppy toy in the other)
Henry: I've been waiting outside the library for you, Ben.
Ben: You waited for hours and knew I'd come in this direction?
Henry: How dare you point out my cinematic flaws? Just for that... (takes out knife and begins approaching Ben)
Ben: Oh, my God, why do you hang out with this guy?
Bully (Malcolm): Honestly, we're hiding behind you.
Bully (Jim): Yeah, we're afraid he's gonna cut us.
(Henry slices up Ben's stomach)
Bully (Malcolm): Hey, it's working!
NC (vo): But Ben escapes and comes across the Loser Gang who tends to his wounds.
Eddie: Question: Why didn't we take him to a hospital?
(The gang all look at NC in unison, as if they're expecting an answer. NC responds by looking at Pennywise (Curry). Pennywise (Curry) looks at Pennywise (Skarsgard). Pennywise (Skarsgard) looks behind himself in confusion)
Pennywise (Skarsgard): ...Oh, me! Well, it's because the adults in the area don't care about the kids!
NC: (sighs) Okay, I know that because I read the book, but aside from a couple in a car driving by...
(We are shown the aforementioned scene, with Nelson Muntz's 'Ha-ha' sound effect playing as the car passes by Ben and the bullies)
NC: ...it's not made very clear.
Pennywise (Curry): Yeah, and even then, people are still alive. They must have a somewhat functional medical facility!
Pennywise (Skarsgard): Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, no time for that! Billy sees Bev walking for the first time in slow-mo!
(Romantic music plays as Bill watches Bev walking in slow-mo, for some reason. At one point, she almost trips, but then resumes walking)
NC: Wait, didn't he just see her a moment ago in the drugstore?
Pennywise (Skarsgard): (beat) But not in slow-mo!
NC: But isn't that usually reserved for the first time you see someone?
NC (vo): Like, the first time you see her things slow down? Why do it the following moment?
NC: Is it... love at second sight?
Pennywise (Skarsgard): What? You don't know!
Pennywise (Curry): You're right, we don't!
Pennywise (Skarsgard): Well, if you don't know, I'm not gonna tell you! (closes eyes, crosses arms, and proudly looks in the other direction)
NC: ...Who just won that?
(Pennywise (Skarsgard) victoriously brushes his ruff. We go to a commercial break)
(We return to the review at Ben's place. All over the walls, there are archival photos, maps and pictures)
NC (vo): So Ben invites the Losers' Club over as a means to say thanks for saving him.
Ben: Yeah, I studied disappearances and histories of towns that I just moved to.
Eddie: Wow, your incredibly distinct quirk is very convenient for us.
NC: Eh, I guess I'll give the movie this: instead of the fat kid trope being obsessed with-
Ben: (munching on Twinkies) Food!
NC (vo): In this, he's obsessed with-
Ben: (pointing towards the maps on the wall) Town!
NC: It's a little forced, but not as forced as this.
(Beverly gasps audibly and points towards the door, which is shown to bear a New Kids on the Block poster. We are shown multiple shots of the poster, with 80s music playing in the background)
Beverly: Oh, my God, you still like New Kids on the Block?!
Ben: (clearly overestimating the importance of what he's saying) Yes, as I clearly established earlier.
Beverly: Wow, that is still so 80s!
Richie: Hey, does anyone else notice this incredibly obvious picture of a clown with our city founders?
(Indeed, the picture sticks out like a sore thumb, but nobody seems to notice it)
Eddie: I mean, we had to pause the movie to focus on that poster!
Ben: While playing a song, too.
Richie: (of the picture) I mean, it's right here for everyone to see, I just thought someone would notice it.
Eddie: Yeah, this film's mostly timeless, but sometimes we gotta kick you in the balls with the 80s!
Ben: Yeah, what'd we get, only like five close-ups of the poster?
Richie: And we only got two of the creepy clown here. Like, someone else notice it. Someone else NOTICE it!
Ben: Did I mention Batman and Lethal Weapon are playing at the theater?
Beverly: Wow, the 80s are so cool! Let's never reference them again.
Eddie: Shut up, Richie!
Richie: (disdainfully) ...Clown.
NC (vo): The tone gets even weirder when Mike appears back in the movie. Yeah, he kinda disappeared for a long time, didn't he?
(We are shown a scene of Mike being stepped on by the bullies, in the most literal sense, and the Losers' Club arriving to save him)
Bully (Malcolm): This... feels self-defeating.
Eddie: There's only one thing we can do for this serious scene of us fighting our fears...
Bill: Silly music and s-s-s-slow-mo!
(Silly heavy metal music starts as the Losers' Club begins stoning the bullies in slow motion)
Bully (Jim): (speaking in an extremely deep, slow voice) Yooooouuuuuu biiiiiiii- (he is interrupted by a rock which hits him across the forehead)
NC: (in a very similar voice) Weeeeee're directiiiiiiiing...?
Beverly: Remember when this was a serious and important scene?
Richie: Yeah, now it's silly and goofy! (gets hit by a flying rock) See? That didn't even hurt! I'm like a cartoon now!
(Because he has run out of rocks, Henry makes a last-ditch effort by throwing his dog at the enemy, and then runs off)
NC (vo): So, they save Mike and decide to allow him to be in the Losers' Club.
(The Losers' Club are shown inside a room, talking with Mike)
Beverly: Do you believe in UFOs, astral projections, mental telepathy, ESP, clairvoyance, spirit photography, telekinetic movement, full transmediums, the Loch Ness Monster, and the theory of Atlantis?
Mike: As long as I'm not marginalized like that Jewish kid, I'll believe anything you say.
Beverly: What Jewish kid?
(Mike points at someone. The camera moves to reveal Stanley sitting on the couch)
Stanley: (waving) Shalom!
(The kids gasp)
Bill: Oh... oh, yeah, Stanley.
Stanley: You guys forgot I was even a character, didn't you?
(Everyone on the couch erupts in a series of "no"s to that)
Stanley: It's okay, it's okay. There are so many characters in this movie anyway, somebody was bound to get less screen time. Heck, I'm not even here half the time, I'm a cardboard cutout.
Ben: Huh, I did not know that.
(The kids (except smiling Stanley, who's now frozen still) turn back to Mike)
Eddie: So what do you say, Mike? You wanna join our club?
Mike: You got it! Where do you want me?
Richie: In the back with the Jewish kid.
NC: The film does get genuinely fun again, and not forced fun like...
(Cut back to...)
Bully (Jim): (in a slow voice) Yooooouuuuuu biiiiiiii-
NC: ...whatever that was.
(Cut to the kids watching a film featuring Pennywise on a projector. Pennywise jumps out of the projector into real life, scaring the kids, except for Stanley and Mike, who are cardboard cutouts and therefore only slightly shake up and down)
NC (vo): After a scene where Pennywise comes to life on their slide projector, the kids enter a haunted house that...
NC: ...honestly, is kind of like a neighborhood Halloween haunted house, and I mean that in the best way.
(Richie is shown encountering a skinless human in the corridor; after that, we are shown a demon which is revealed to be one of Pennywise's forms)
NC: It has rooms with creepy toys, cobwebs, doors that lead to over-the-top scares. It's goofy, gory fun.
Pennywise (Skarsgard): Stop saying that!
NC: Saying what?
Pennywise (Skarsgard): Things like "goofy, gory fun"! Does this sound like a voice that'd be interested in "goofy, gory fun"? I am super scary and super serious in this gritty re-imagining of It! I contort my body and turn into all sorts of sharp things!
NC: Oh, you mean with your crappy digital effects?
(Suddenly, Moss reminds NC and the Pennywises of his presence)
Moss: Oh, that's just typical of you critics, isn't it?
Pennywise (Curry): (perplexed) I totally forgot he was still there.
NC: Yeah, weren't you just an opening punchline?
Moss: I know how this works. When you point out bad digital effects, that means you hate ALL digital effects!
NC: That's not what I said at all, bu-
Moss: I get it. You hate Pixar, you despise Jurassic Park, you want to see Officer [Judy] Hopps die!
NC: Okay, look. Digital effects are wonderful, and have come a long way, especially in horror films.
(A ghost of a woman similar to Samara Morgan is shown, before cutting to few scenes from before)
NC (vo): CGI can make a ghostly image seem there and not there at the same time. It's one of the few examples where the uncanny valley actually helps an effect. And half the time, it's great in this film. The creepy painting coming to life, the headless boy...
NC: A good half of the digital effects are very effective.
Moss: (satisfied) Great! That means you love all CGI. I'm glad we cleared this up.
NC: No, here's the thing: like any effects, there's good and bad ones, and when you use them so often in your movie, the bad ones are gonna be easier to spot.
(Pennywise is shown growing a werewolf hand and transforming into a demon. Both of these effects are depicted as extremely obviously artificial, with the demonic aspects badly Photoshopped onto Pennywise)
NC (vo): The fear of Pennywise isn't that he's a ghost you can see through, he's supposed to look like he's really there. And if your digital effects don't have time to really make it look like his hand is turning into a werewolf or he's transforming into a monster, because you have to use that time on other digital effects, the fear is massively diluted.
Moss: (annoyed) Nope! It was all amazing, and you hate everything digital! (addresses Pennywise (Skarsgard)) Like that blurry run effect. How did you do that?
Pennywise (Skarsgard): Oh, of course.
(He clears his throat and starts running in his trademark fashion, silly scream and all. A wide shot then reveals that he is simply shaking a telephone camera in front of his face)
Moss: You're just filming your face really close to the phone.
Pennywise (Skarsgard): It costs CGI artists thousands to recreate this. (resumes yelling and moving the phone)
Moss: Are we still playing?
(Back to the review. Pennywise jumps into the sewer hole)
NC (vo): The kids fight back Pennywise, showing they can defeat him, so, of course, let's have THIS be the moment where they split up and go their separate ways.
Bill: S-So long, everyone. It's time we split up and go our separate ways.
NC: (dripping with sarcasm) Oh, yeah, you really got me there, movie. I'm so sure they're never gonna meet up again.
Bill: No, no! I-I-I-It's really sad!
NC: (even more sarcastically) Oh, yeah, what a shame, you'll never get back together!
Beverly: Wait, why are we leaving? We've got him on the run. We should finish him off!
(Cut to a scene of Chart Guy 1 (Rob) and Chart Guy 2 (Malcolm) standing in front of a chart)
Chart Guy 2: Nope! Nope! This is the part where you PUSS OUT.
Pennywise (Curry): But that cliche is in everything. I know, I was in those cliches when they became popular!
Chart Guy 1: No-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no, no, no, no-no! We're not going to fix old cliches. Instead, we're going to put a whole bunch of other ones in.
Beverly: Like what?
Chart Guy 2: Well, the damsel in distress, for one.
(Pennywise's hand reaches into the shot of the kids, grabs Beverly, and pulls her away)
Chart Guy 1: Followed up by true love's kiss breaking the spell!
Beverly: (comes back into the shot, still being held by Pennywise) Seriously?
Chart Guy 1: Well, the chart says...
(As he reaches for the chart, Beverly gets pulled away again)
Chart Guy 1: Huh. Well, wanna go to a chart bar, maybe talk some math?
Chart Guy 2: Let's consult the chart.
Chart Guy 2: Yes.
(They both begin to inspect the chart with intensity)
NC: So, the Loser Gang reunite to save Beverly.
Eddie: (as everyone gathers around a hole) She's down there.
Bill: Wait, w-w-w-what's that on your arm?
(Eddie is revealed to have a cast saying 'LOSER', with the S crossed out so it spells 'LOVER' instead)
Eddie: It's a cast.
Ben: You went to a hospital?!
Richie: I thought I knew you!
A voice from off-screen: You're all gonna be going to the hospital soon.
(The voice is revealed to belong to Henry, who has apparently retrieved his puppy)
Bill: Quick! M-M-M-Mike!
(Mike, who is a cardboard cutout at the moment, is standing completely still next to Stanley, also a cutout)
Eddie: Damn it, Mike! We kind of need you to kind of justify your kind of arc!
Mike: (unfreezes, suddenly not a cardboard cutout) Oh, okay.
(Mike lightly taps Henry and pushes him down the hole)
Mike: (way too excited about what just transpired) Yay, I guess I had a reason for being here!
Stanley: (suddenly not a cardboard cutout) Wonderful! Now I can tell you all about my incredibly interesting backstory!
Eddie: Uh, we're actually... we're kinda past the two-hour mark...
Ben: We could probably get you a bonus feature on the Blu-ray.
Stanley: Fair enough! (turns back into a cardboard cutout)
Richie: Really... A hospital?
(Eddie takes off the cast)
Richie: I bet the nurses were hot, though!
(They both laugh and high-five each other, forgetting that Eddie's arm is still broken and fracturing it in the process)
Eddie: (screams) I thought it was a placebo!
NC (vo): Meanwhile, Beverly wakes up in the sewers, where- Oh, Christ.
(We are treated to a scene of Pennywise standing on a stage in front of Beverly with a serious look on his face. Synth music starts. He suddenly begins doing the all-too-famous silly clomp dance move, with the words "MEME ME" being sung and flashed onto the screen, much to Beverly's confusion. NC gives Pennywise (Curry) a cold glare, who in turn gives an extremely disappointed look to Pennywise (Skarsgard). Pennywise (Skarsgard) seems to be completely oblivious to how silly the whole situation is)
Pennywise (Skarsgard): ...Oh, now what?!
Pennywise (Curry): You're sure you're not supposed to be at all funny?
Pennywise (Skarsgard): What? It's a scary dance of evil! It's poopy trousers time!
NC: Yeah, especially when you play this over it.
(He takes out his phone and plays the German Dance from South Park over the dancing Pennywise)
Cartman (voiced by Doug): I will do the German Dance for you, / It's fun and gay and tra-la-la...
(NC and Pennywise (Curry) both start laughing and pointing uncontrollably)
Pennywise (Skarsgard): H-Hey, stop that! Stop that!
(The laughter continues)
Pennywise (Skarsgard): Oh, come on! People just stopped playing Gangnam Style over that!
(They're still laughing)
Pennywise (Skarsgard): Oh, yeah?! Well, here's something in my version of the movie that your version never had: people actually floating!
NC: Oh, my God, really?
Pennywise (Skarsgard): Uh-YUH!
(We are shown a scene of Pennywise exposing Beverly to his Deadlights, which causes her to go into a state of catatonia and begin floating)
NC: Yeah, that's a really good point! (addressing Pennywise (Curry)) For all the times you always said "they float, they always float", we never do see anybody float in your version!
Pennywise (Curry): (is at a loss for words, so he just resumes laughing at Pennywise (Skarsgard)) Wa-ha! Wa-ha!
NC: That's not gonna work.
Pennywise (Curry): Yes, it is. Wa-ha! Wa-ha! Wa-ha! Wa-ha! Wa-ha!
(NC finds it hard to contain his laughter)
NC: (cracks up) Okay, yeah, it is!
Pennywise (Skarsgard): HEY!
NC: I'm sorry, he's a good clown!
NC (vo): They rescue Beverly, but she's in a hypnotized daze. So, like mentioned before...
NC: ...Ben uses "true love's kiss" to free her.
(Romantic music starts, as Ben starts leaning in to kiss Beverly, but suddenly backs up)
Jason: (going out-of-character as Ben, pointing at his ring finger) You know what? I'm married. I love my wife.
(He instead kisses his finger and lightly taps Beverly's nose)
Jason: (out-of-character as Ben) Doink!
(Beverly wakes up from her coma in a split-second)
Aiyanna: (going out-of-character as Beverly) Ha-ha, that still counts!
(An explosion occurs, and Pennywise emerges from it)
Pennywise: You won't get away that easily!
NC (vo): So, Pennywise tries to transform into all their fears.
(Pennywise turns into a demon, but the kids merely raise their weapons. He turns into the undead skinned body from earlier, but the kids merely roar. Realizing that he has no other choice, Pennywise reveals his final form — Tommy Wiseau (Doug))
Wiseau: (holding a football) Oh, hi, kids! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
(Immediately upon seeing this freak of nature, the kids relentlessly grind him into a pulp)
Wiseau: (whilst being beaten) You're just chickens! Cheeeeeep-cheep-cheep-cheep-cheep-cheep-cheeeeeeeeep!
NC (vo): The kids confront their terrors and beat Pennywise, resulting in them agreeing to come back if he ever returns.
(We cut to a scene of the kids going their separate ways)
Bill: Well, I guess we did it.
Beverly: We sure did.
(Ben leans in to kiss Beverly)
Beverly: (pushes him away) Whoa, I'm sorry, what are you doing?
Bill: K-K-K-Kissing you.
Beverly: Oh, um, uh... I think I have a better relationship with Ben. I mean, he saved me, he writes me poetry... Also, I just did a kissing scene with him.
Ben: Yeah! Hands off my maybe-lady!
Bill: I-I don't follow this. It's the last scene of the movie. Are we really gonna end on a half-assed relationship?
Beverly: Well... Let's see what the book says.
(She brings out a copy of the original Stephen King novel)
Ben: That's a great idea! It's sure to show who Beverly should end up with.
(They all take a look at what the book says, only to get extremely unnerved and disgusted)
Ben: Oh! Wow, oh.
Beverly: Oh, yeah. No, I'm not doing that.
Bill: S-Super uncomfortable.
Beverly: Um... How about we, um... eh... blow kisses?
(They chuckle nervously and blow kisses while leaving. The title appears again, to denote the ending of the film)
Pennywise (Skarsgard): And that... is the greatest thing we ever made as humans. Cinematically flawless, hauntingly haunting, the most amazing horror film ever made good, super, yes... good.
Pennywise (Curry): Don't think you're overhyping it just a teeny bit?
Pennywise (Skarsgard): Nope, it's perfect, and anyone who thinks different hates movies!
Pennywise (Skarsgard): Yes, movie hater?
NC: (visibly annoyed) It's hard to say this is a "flawless" horror film, but, at the same time, it's hard to say it's bad, too.
(The reenacted clips are shown as NC goes to closing thought)
NC (vo): There's a lot of scares, fun ideas, decent enough characters, and, in many respects, it is better than the original. On the whole, I do recommend it as a scary flick...
Pennywise (Skarsgard): (laughs) Take that, Ronald Horror Picture Show!
NC: ...BUT, there is one thing the original has that the new one doesn't.
Pennywise (Skarsgard): (oblivious) What's that?
Pennywise (Curry): Personality.
(The pictures taken from the set of the miniseries are shown)
NC (vo): The original was silly and awkward, but it kind of relished it. From the awkward effects, to the hokey acting, to the odd writing, and, of course, Tim Curry giving a million percent. It's not scary, but it's an over-the-top, campy TV movie. This is trying to be an 80s film, a timeless film, have subtle scares, over-the-top scares, adult humor, cartoony humor... Tonally and stylistically, it's just all over the place.
NC: I admire it for trying so much, but they don't always fit together, which helps create less of an identity.
NC (vo): So, even though the cinematic version is better, I'll strangely enough probably remember the original more.
NC: So, yes, It is good enough. I just don't think it's the game-changer everybody builds it up to be.
Pennywise (Curry): But, wait, you never answered the question! Which of us is the definitive It?
Pennywise (Skarsgard): Yeah, scary or funny? Which is it?
NC: Well, I'm probably not the best one to answer that, but I do know who is.
(NC reaches for his face, tearing his mask off. Both Pennywises gasp)
(The man behind the mask is revealed to be... Mark Hamill's Joker, here voiced by Rob)
Joker: You should be both! Do you know how many incarnations of the Joker there's been? Tons! And do you know what the best ones have in common?
Pennywise (Skarsgard): They're not Jared Leto?
Joker: Yes. And they were both scary and funny! Don't choose one, be both! As the world's most famous killer clown would tell you, it's best to go out on a scream and a laugh!
Pennywise (Curry): Hey, wasn't I originally up for your role?
Joker: Whoop! Gotta go!
(He races off through the window, and screams and laughs while falling)
Moss: Were you really up for his role?
Pennywise (Curry): Yes, and I almost got it.
(There is a large pause, as Pennywise (Curry) looks towards the camera as if he is expecting the credits to roll)
Pennywise (Skarsgard): You know, tonally, this review was very confused.
Pennywise (Curry): Well, that's your movie in a nutshell.
Pennywise (Skarsgard): Good point.
(We are greeted by NC and both Pennywises doing the silly dance from the film in front of a Looney Tunes-esque backdrop, with 'The Merry-Go-Round Broke Down' playing in the background. All three turn around and do the miniseries' "WA-HA, WA-HA, WA-HA" before fading out. The final shot is that of a Looney Tunes ending screen which reads "That's IT, folks!". We go to the credits)
Chart Guy 1 (vo): What are you seeing?
Chart Guy 2 (vo): It.
Chart Guy 1 (vo): What's it?
Chart Guy 2 (vo): That's the name of the movie.
Chart Guy 1 (vo): What is?
Chart Guy 2 (vo): It!
Chart Guy 1 (vo): What's it?
Chart Guy 2 (vo): It is It!
Chart Guy 1 (vo): And what is that?
Chart Guy 2 (vo): It!
Chart Guy 1 (vo): So it is that?
Chart Guy 2 (vo): And that is it.
Chart Guy 1 (vo): And what is that?
Chart Guy 2 (vo): It!
Chart Guy 1 (vo): So it is it?
Chart Guy 2 (vo): Isn't it?
Chart Guy 1 (vo): Well, how should I know?!
Chart Guy 2 (vo): Because if it wasn't It, it couldn't be anything else now, could it?
Chart Guy 1 (vo): That's it?!
Chart Guy 2 (vo): Precisely.
Chart Guy 1 (vo): And are you seeing it with them?
Chart Guy 2 (vo): No, Them is another movie altogether.
Chart Guy 1 (vo): What are you, some sort of clown?
Chart Guy 2 (vo): No, It's the clown.
Chart Guy 1 (vo): What is?!
Chart Guy 2 (vo): IT, damn it!
Chart Guy 1 (vo): Okay, let's start over. Here's the thing...
Chart Guy 2 (vo): Let's not bring John Carpenter into this.
Chart Guy 1 (vo): I don't believe it.
Chart Guy 2 (vo): Well, that's your problem right there. You can't see It if you don't believe it.
Chart Guy 1 (vo): It's driving me crazy!
Chart Guy 2 (vo): Well, that's what It does!
Chart Guy 1 (vo): It drives people crazy?
Chart Guy 2 (vo): NOW you get it!
Chart Guy 1 (vo): You no-good, shady son of a-
Chart Guy 2 (vo): What is it?
Chart Guy 1 (vo): Grrrrr, that's what I wanna know!
Chart Guy 2 (vo): Good night, folks.
(The Channel Awesome logo is shown, closing the review)