It: Chapter Two
October 9, 2019
(The Channel Awesome logo is displayed, followed by the 2019 Nostalgia-Ween opening, which features footage of the Nostalgia Critic's review of the 2017 movie version of Stephen King's It)
Nostalgia Stack (vo): September 8, 2017: The cinematic version of It is released in theaters. It broke box office records, was praised by critics and audiences, and made people remember that Stephen King can be scary (Poster of Stanley Kubrick's The Shining is displayed) with as little Stephen King involvement as possible. Two years later, its sequel is released. Will it have the same impact as the first one? Can it actually make a giant spider scary? And will it erase the everlasting awesomeness of a Tim Curry performance?
(The foggy cityscape is now shown as Nostalgia Stack walks out in front of the camera)
Nostalgia Stack: Not to give any spoilers, but no! I'm Nostalgia Stack, and welcome to Nostalgia-Ween. (nods)
(The Unsolved Mysteries parody this time has the following words sliding down the purple bars: "Nostalgia Critic", "Steven [sic] King", "Balloons!", "It", "Giant Spider", "Maine", "Oh Yes, They Float!", "Tim Curry", "Wa-Ha!", "Nostalgia Ween". The "reviewed" clips this time around include those from reviews of Hocus Pocus and Devil. After the opening, we see NC walking through a prop storage area with one of the Chart Guys (played by Rob))
NC: I don't know, I just feel like we have enough cast members already.
Chart Guy: The chart says clowns are hot right now!
NC: Popularly or sexually?
Chart Guy: Sure. (They walk up to a door) That's why we need to incorporate this one (gestures toward door) into the show as much as possible.
NC: (sighs) All right, I'll try my best to make him feel at home. (opens the door and talks to someone offscreen) Hey, just so you know, we'll be filming in five minutes.
Offscreen voice: Oh, Critic, one more thing...
Offscreen voice: When you bring me out... (The camera turns around to reveal the 2019 Joker (played by Walter)) can you introduce me as Joker?
(NC and the Chart Guy stare in confusion)
NC: (shakes head) No.
(They turn to leave, but the Chart Guy then stops him)
Chart Guy: Oh! (holds up index finger) We could get woke points with the progressive demographic.
Chart Guy: He could identify as "Clown".
NC: (stares briefly, then turns back to the Joker) Look, just be ready in five minutes.
(They leave, closing the door behind him. The Joker sits back down at his dressing room mirror)
Joker: Well, this is it, your big moment.
Offscreen voice: It certainly is.
(Startled, the Joker turns around to see who said that. It's Pennywise the Dancing Clown, as played by Bill Skarsgard in the 2017 version of It (played by Doug). The Joker and Pennywise both jump back with a startled yelp)
Joker: What the hell are you doing here?!
2017 Pennywise: What else? I'm here to show you how you can be the creepiest clown you can be!
Joker: By randomly jump-scaring into rooms?
2017 Pennywise: The more I do, the more people weirdly think I'm brilliant!
Another offscreen voice: Because he stole it from me.
(Again, the Joker turns around to see who said that. It's...Pennywise the Dancing Clown, this time as played by Tim Curry in the 1990 miniseries (also played by Doug). Again, the Joker and this Pennywise jump back with a startled yelp)
1990 Pennywise: What? I'm just sitting here!
Joker: I know, I'm just scared of clowns.
1990 Pennywise: (confused) ...What?!
2017 Pennywise: Look, Krusty, not to toot our own horns...
(1990 Pennywise holds up a horn and toots it)
2017 Pennywise: ...But we made a lot of money over the years.
1990 Pennywise: Yes, when people think "scary clowns", we're the first things that come to mind.
2017 Pennywise: So we're here to give you a few pointers.
(Suddenly the door opens, and NC enters the room again, to the surprise of both Pennywises)
NC: Okay, you're about ready the–
(NC notices both Pennywises in the room. 1990 Pennywise shields his face with his left hand, looks to the right and whistles an innocent tune. 2017 Pennywise looks away and clears his throat)
NC: Oh, no. (points at both Pennywises) No, no, no no, no, no, no! (Points at Joker) You don't want any of their help!
Joker: Well... I might.
NC: No, you don't. They're like Happy Meals. They're fun, at first, but they're slowly destroying you. And the clown's a little scarier.
1990 Pennywise: (scoffs) He always ruins our fun.
2017 Pennywise: Yeah, let Terrifier here figure out his own strategy.
NC: Okay. What is your strategy, Joker?
(2017 Pennywise looks at Joker in anticipation)
Joker: Well, I was thinking more of, like, a slow burn, you know? (Creepy music starts playing, as 2017 Pennywise looks in confusion about Joker's idea of scary) Take my time, build suspence, (talks more demented) get into a person's psyche, (1990 Pennywise looks confused) let the weight of a truly disturbed mind get under people's skin.
(Both Pennywises laugh hysterically about Joker's plan, much to the shock and confusion of the latter. 1990 Pennywise even laughs his signature laugh for a short amount of time)
1990 Pennywise: (still amused) Well, I don't know about scares, but you got the funny part down.
2017 Pennywise: Oh, Binky, you get it all backwards. You have to have a million jump scares.
1990 Pennywise: Loud, obnoxious music.
2017 Pennywise: Constant movement with goofy faces.
1990 Pennywise: And, of course, turn into some sort of giant monster that goes "Bleagh, bleagh, bleagh!"
(2017 Pennywise imitates the goofy sounds of the monster. As this continues, Joker looks to NC in confusion, who shakes his head and gives a face and hand movement saying, "See what I mean?" Both Pennywises finish their demonstration shortly after that)
Joker: Oh, I always thought this was always seen as annoying and cliched.
2017 Pennywise: (scoffs) Do we look like annoying and cliched?
1990 Pennywise: Even I have to say yes.
2017 Pennywise: Oh, who cares? We make money. With our forces combined, who knows what we can accomplish?
NC: Yeah, when did this happen? I thought you two hated each other because you did things so differently.
1990 Pennywise: Oh, that were the old Pennywises. The new Pennywises (folds his hands together) work glove in glove.
2017 Pennywise: Yes, the truth is, we've listened to your criticism. We put more focus on the imaginative insanity that killer clowns can offer.
NC: (nods) All right, that's cool. And you fixed all the other problems?
1990 Pennywise: If by "fixed", you mean "magnified"...
NC: Which I don't.
1990 Pennywise: ...then we made them worse.
2017 Pennywise: And longer. Where Chapter One was a little over two-and-a-half hours long, Chapter Two is nearly (holds up three fingers) three hours.
Joker: And that's just Chapter Two? How long is this book?
NC: (deadpan) Short, by Steven King standards.
2017 Pennywise: You know, we try up into your standards, and we still get flack for it!
1990 Pennywise: Yes, it's more crazy, more entertaining, has more of an identity. What the hell is wrong with it now?!
NC: (delighted) Well, if you must pry...
1990 Pennywise: Already wishing I didn't.
NC: ...there are several different elements that we can go over.
Joker: Wait, don't we have something we need to shoot?
NC: It's okay. I speak in reenactment.
2017 Pennywise: Ooh, that's a tough language.
(The title card for the movie is shown and some balloons make a transition to an amusement park with a Ferris Wheel. The caption "27 YEARS LATER" is shown. The first characters we get are two gay men called Adrian Mellon and Don Hagarty, played by Doug and Malcolm, and a group of gang members, played by Walter, Heather and Jim. Both enter the scene like normal people)
NC (vo): We open 27 years after the first film, as a deeply complex gay couple are approached by a very well developed street gang...
(As NC speaks, the gang members start to act like stereotypical bullies and the gay men start to act like stereotypical gay men with their hands positioned in a fancy way)
NC (vo): Nah, just kidding; they're all stereotypes.
Gang Member Walter: Thought we heard some gay.
Gang Member Heather: We don't like that there gay duft around 'ere.
(Gang Member Jim giggles)
Adrian (NC): Well, Meg Ryan called, (Moves his index finger in front of him) she wants her wig back.
Don Hagarty (Malcolm): Oh, I get it, (Touches Adrian's sholder) this takes place in the 90's.
Adrian: No, it takes place in 2016.
(The gang members look confused at their discussion)
Don Hagarty: Who makes Meg Ryan jokes in 2016?
Adrian: I don't know, is this how gay guys talk, or whatever?
Don Hagarty: Maybe in a Lifetime Movie.
Adrian: Who the hell even are we? It just opened on us. We're not main characters, or anything.
Don Hagarty: Look, let's just snap, because that's probably what the writers think that gay guys do.
Adrian: Good idea.
(Both snap at the gang members, who look confused towards each other)
Don Hagarty (off-screen): Good job, honey.
(Both walk in a dark alleyway)
Adrian: Thanks, sweetie. Now, let's walk down this dark alleyway after insulting some obviously violent people.
(As both walk through the alley, the gang members push them off-screen and in the next shot, gang member Jim is beating Adrian on the ground)
NC (vo): They're attacked, though, as one of them is beaten savagely.
Adrian: Yeah? Well, I... (addresses NC directly) I can't say that line.
NC: (arms crossed) You have to say it.
Adrian: I don't want to say that line.
NC: (waves hand) It's in the script.
Adrian: Do these writers know any gay people?
NC: Clearly not. Now, let’s hear it.
Adrian: (sighs; back in the scene) Well, I still hate your hair.
(The gang members all give a look of pain and embarrassment)
Adrian: I know. I'll punch myself out.
(Adrian knocks himself out and gets thrown down a bridge by the gang members. As he regains consciousness, he gets a helping hand from Pennywise, who devours him)
NC (vo): He gets tossed over the bridge, where a hungry Pennywise finishes him off.
(Cut back to the Joker's dressing room)
Joker: Wow! So which of the Losers Club is that?
NC: None of them.
Joker: Well, which one was he related to?
NC: None of them.
Joker: Well, how does that relate to anything?
2017 Pennywise: Well, it's so I can leave a message for Michael.
(Michael is seen turning on a police scanner, listens in briefly, and then runs out of the room, where he discovers the message "Wish You Were Here" written in blood on a stone wall)
2017 Pennywise (vo): You see, he listens to police scanners now to see if any crime have a killer clown vibe.
Joker: Well, why didn't he just leave the message at his house or kill someone in his family?
2017 Pennywise: Well, then we wouldn't get that amazing Meg Ryan joke.
(Joker stares at NC, who in turn stares at 1990 Pennywise)
1990 Pennywise: It's funny if you imagine me afterwards going, (pumps his arm) "WA-HA! WA-HA! WA-HA!..."
(As 1990 Pennywise continues, Joker laughs. Even NC covers his mouth, trying not to laugh himself)
NC: Actually, it is.
Joker: How does he do that?
2017 Pennywise: (to 1990 Pennywise) You know, stop being my training wheels!
(1990 Pennywise looks away, with a flourish of his arm. Back to the "movie", with Michael pushing a button on the scanner, summoning the rest of the Loser Club. A signal appears in the sky, Batman-style, consisting of a loser sign (a finger making an L shape))
NC (vo): So Michael summons the rest of the Loser Club, who have forgotten all about the incident...
(Pennywise's face appears and zooms up in front of the screen, serving as a Batman-style transition from one scene to the next. The next scene shows the first member of the Loser Club: Bill Denbrough, played by Walter)
NC (vo): Bill, a famous writer who, get this, has trouble writing endings...
(He walks up to a man with the image of Peter Bogdanovich as Peter the director covering it over)
Bill: So, Peter – (makes a winking motion) wink – being an author and director – wink – who specializes in horror – wink – I just can't seem to get these endings right. (blinks both eyes) Blink.
Peter (mouth moving up and down, voiced by NC): You mean wink.
Bill: No, that was so obvious, both eyes had closed.
Peter: Why even have me in this? No one in the audience knows who I am.
Bill: Hey, I do. I love the way you directed Annie Hall.
Peter: I assure you, if I could smile, I wouldn't.
Bill: (laughs) Yeah.
(We then transition, Batman style to the next scene, showing Beverly Marsh (played by Aiyanna) in a bedroom confronting her husband, Tom Rogan (played by Jim))
NC (vo): ...Beverly, who's escape the abusive control of her father into the abusive control of her husband...
Tom: Did you do something to your hair?
Beverly: I have to go.
Tom: You're not going anywhere, not until we discuss all the reasons why you keep terrible men close to you.
Beverly: We don't have time for that.
Tom: No time for that in a three-hour movie?
Beverly: Well, it's more about jump scares now than actual characters, so...
(Beverly snaps her fingers and Pennywise runs into the room)
Pennywise: (shaking his hands in front of Tom) Booga-booga-booga!
(Startled, Tom yelps and jumps back)
Pennywise: Hoo-hoo-hoo-HOO-hoo! (runs off, as Beverly shrugs)
(We transition again, this time to Richie Tozier (played by Heather) doing stand-up comedy)
NC (vo): ...Richie, who both surprisingly and nonsurprisingly became a stand-up...
Richie: Hey! So did you hear the one about the killer clown who got a guy more into comedy than out? (Audience laughs) It's just that every time he hears laughter, he curls into a ball and pisses himself! (looks down) Oh, God, I see you when I close my eyes! (looks back up again) Am I right, boys?!
(Transition now to Eddie Kaspbrak (played by Tamara) sitting in a parked car)
NC (vo): ...Eddie, who has an overbearing wife and is a risk assessor who gets into an accident...
(Suddenly, another car crashes into Eddie's, causing the camera to shake violently. Eddie is thrown off-balance, but is otherwise unhurt)
Eddie: Oh, I get it, we all have ironic futures. You win at storytelling. (Steam spews out into the driver's seat)
(Transition to Stanley Uris (played by Trevor))
NC (vo): ...Stanley...
Stanley: (excited) All right! I'm finally gonna get some development!
NC (vo): ...who kills himself in the opening minutes...
Stanley: (holding up a knife, still excited) Fair enough!
(Cut to a later scene, as Stanley, in his cardboard cutout pose with crossed-out eyes, is lying in a bathtub dead. A somber bell tone is heard. Now transition to Ben Hanscom (played by Jason Laws))
NC (vo): ...and lastly, Ben, who, in the miniseries, you may remember being played by (Shots of the following two actors who play Ben appear in both corners, one after the other...) Brandon Crane and John Ritter, two people you could easily believe were the younger and older versions of the same person.
(Transition once again (this time with sushi thrown across the screen) to the Loser Club members all standing together in a Chinese restaurant)
NC (vo): But here, the actor playing the grown-up version is so painfully different, it's kind of hilarious.
Michael: (seeing Ben come into the room) Oh, wow, Ben! You've lost so much weight!
Beverly: And put on a lot of muscle.
(The newer version of Ben Hanscom is shown (played by Adonis K.J. Wright))
Ben: Yeah, you know, doing push-ups, hitting the gym... (shrugs) That's all we're gonna explore with that.
(Everyone stares briefly and then shrugs)
(The Loser Club is now seen drinking at a bar in the Chinese restaurant. They are all shown individually, one by one)
NC (vo): Everybody socializes at a Chinese restaurant, but the tone is so all over the place, it flip-flops between fun and playful to intense and threatening in a millisecond.
Beverly: (holding up her bottle of beer for a toast) To the pathetic geeks of the Loser Club... (Everyone raises their bottles to join in the toast) who all somehow grew up into gorgeous, successful people.
(Everyone laughs, until a horrible thought comes to Bill)
Bill: Strange that Stanley couldn't make it.
(The music turns dramatic as everyone becomes concerned)
Richie: And how we all lost our memories of the demented hellhole that is Derry[, Maine].
Beverly: It's not that strange. I was in a movie called Dark Phoenix, and I don't remember a thing about it.
(Everyone sits solemnly, until...)
Eddie: (becoming abruptly excited) Look! Fortune cookies!
(Eddie takes one, as does everyone else. They all laugh again as they open up and eat the cookies. But then, they took a good look at their fortunes and become concerned again)
Michael: They all have a word!
(The fortunes all have individual words on them: "R", "FX", "Budget", "Was", "Cut")
Bill: We need to figure this puzzle out!
(Frantically, they all try to put the words together)
Ben: What the hell?! What the hell?! What the hell?! What the hell?!
Beverly: Guys? Guys! (They all stop and look at her) Can it just be an accident or a funny prank the restaurant is pulling?
Bill: Fortune cookies are serious, Bev!
Eddie: They tell us our future!
Michael: And lucky numbers!
(They all resume trying to put the words together)
Richie: Where is the cut?!
Ben: Oh, look at what it says!
(Suddenly, they stop and look, wide-eyed, and read closely...)
Ben: "Our effects budget was cut."
Bev: What does that mean?
Ben: I don't– I don't follow...
(Suddenly, through bad CGI effects, the fortune cookies sprout various body parts and lift into the air. One sprouts bat wings, another an eyeball and a third tentacles)
Ben: Now I get it.
Richie: They're actually kind of cute.
(Cut to 2017 Pennywise, who waves his hands in disapproval)
2017 Pennywise: No, no, no, no, no, no! Those are supposed to be scary!
(Cut back to the Loser Club, who feel kind of awkward)
Richie: Oh, um... (awkwardly) Ahhh!
(Everyone screams as well, but not in terror, more in awkward confusion)
Bill: (flatly) It looks like it's really there! Whoa!
(Everyone else shrugs. Transition to Michael's house, where Bill meets him)
NC (vo): Bill meets at Mike's house to explain why he brought him there.
Bill: So "it" wanted us to come home.
Michael: "It" looks that way.
Bill: Then why did we come back? Isn't that giving "it" what "it" wants?
Michael: We made an oath to come back if "it" returns.
Bill: Which "it" clearly wants. Besides, we were twelve when we made that oath. How many problems have you kept from that age?
Michael: I promised I'd kill Steve Urkel.
Michael: You've seen him around lately?
Bill: ...My point is, this is becoming an obsession.
Michael: This town is my obsession. Always has been since I was a child!
(Suddenly, Ben (the past version, as played by Jason Laws) walks up)
Past Ben: Uh, excuse me. Past Ben here. I was the one who used to be obsessed with the town. (turns to Michael) Remember?
Michael: No, you were obsessed with New Kids on the Block.
Past Ben: And the town. Remember?
(We flash back to "one movie earlier" (in black and white), showing the Loser Club next to a bulletin board that Ben had put up, full of drawings and photographs by him)
Past Ben (vo): I had all the pictures on my wall. I had a picture of Pennywise with the founders of the town...which went nowhere by the way.
Past Ben: (in flashback) Yeah, I studied disappearances and histories of towns that I just moved to.
Eddie: (in flashback) Wow, your incredibly indistinct quirk is very convenient for us.
(Cut back to the present day)
Bill: Oh, yeah.
Michael: Well, clearly, leaving Derry made you forget all of that.
Past Ben: Yeah, that's it. Oh, and by the way, it's been a while since I've done any filming, so if there's any way you could digitally de-age me in a way that's not disturbing...
(Suddenly, to Bill and Michael's surprise, the head of a baby is digitally popped onto Past Ben's head)
Past Ben: Thank you. (walks off)
Bill: (to Michael) Wait, did you hear that?
Bill: There's no loud music or zany imagery.
Michael: (holding up a purple cup containing something-or-other) Well, drink this and maybe we can have a quiet conversation.
Bill: Oh, nice. (Michael pours drink down Bill's throat for him) Ah! It is much easier to relate to someone in a relax set–
(Suddenly, we cut to them with their bodies distorted while their heads remain in place, albeit wide-eyed, as the room becomes a starry area)
Bill: That drink was drugged, wasn't it?
Michael: Yes, it was, and I must tell you about the Native American tribe who figured out how to kill "it".
Bill: Couldn't you just tell me sober?
Michael: That would require the movie sitting still and being quiet for a minute.
Bill: Not that!
Michael: Yes, that!
Bill: Well, at least the next scene will probably be quieter.
NC (vo): Cut to a loud football game where a little girl sees Pennywise under the bleachers.
(It is dark under the bleachers as said little girl (played by Tamara), who has face paintings of Pac-Man and a ghost, spots the 2017 Pennywise (played by Doug). He claps his hands together once as he shows himself to her)
(Cut back to the Joker briefly)
Joker: Ah! Now, who's this character related to? (The two Pennywises become confused and look around nervously) SHE'S NOT EVEN RELATED TO ANYONE!
1990 Pennywise: Look, if you're searching for logic, don't approach the guy who wrote Sleepwalkers!
2017 Pennywise: Yeah, if you're looking for under-explaining and over-explaining at the same time, that's more his strong point.
1990 Pennywise: (frowning) You're not helping.
(Cut back to the little girl and Pennywise)
Pennywise: Hoo-hoo-hoo! Where's your mommy, girl with totally convincing birthmark?
Little Girl: (gesturing behind her with her thumb) She's off getting the Best Parent of the Year Award while I talk to a very scary clown.
Pennywise: Ohhh, must be how all the adults in Derry ignore the terrible things that happen to kids.
Little Girl: Really? Tell me more about that.
Pennywise: We don't have time.
Little Girl: (confused) In a three-hour movie, you don't have time?
Pennywise: Well, it's rude to talk with your mouth full.
Little Girl: But your mouth isn't–
(Suddenly, with a roar, Pennywise opens his mouth, and the camera zooms in it. The little girl is heard screaming as he eats her alive. Via blood-splattering effect, the scene transitions to an underground bunker, where the members of the Losers Club try to plan their next steps)
NC (vo): Meanwhile, the Losers Club visits an underground play bunker that's lasted all these years. You know, like most kids made in their spare time!
Michael: I brought you all here to tell you how we can destroy IT.
Bill: Oh no! He's drugged you all! Just hold the ground and think still thoughts!
Michael: No. I only drugged you.
Bill: W-What made you think that they would understand and I wouldn’t?!
Michael: Well, you just sorta had this "I need to be drugged" look about you.
Beverly: Well, I'm comfortable with where I am right now.
Michael: You all need to find items that you associate with your childhoods (holds up a vase) and burn them in this ancient pot.
Bill: I think you've had enough ancient pot already!
Ben: I'm in.
Eddie: Yeah, me, too.
Richie: I have absolutely no problem with this at all.
Bill: (stares) Seriously? Nobody is questioning this?! (taps vase)
Eddie: Maybe you did need to be drugged.
Beverly: Yeah, I mean, this all seems pretty straightforward.
Richie: Then let the Zelda-style sidequests begin!
(Cut to a screenshot of the original Legend of Zelda, where we see the Loser Club, rendered in the game's style, all raise their hand, while an 8-bit-sounding fanfare plays. Then a Minecraft sword cuts through the screen and we transition to Bill sitting down next to a bike, then gets back up with a smile)
NC (vo): Okay, so here's one of the interesting problems: Bill finds an old bike and becomes happily nostalgic.
Bill: Riding this will bring back the memories of childhood.
(Bill then tries actually riding it, but he has too much trouble keeping his balance and he falls down with a crash offscreen)
NC: Now that's funny: make you think they're gonna do one cliche and then not follow through with it.
NC (vo): The only problem is, they do.
(Bill is seen struggling to ride the bike, but then sparkles appear on the screen, and Bill is seen riding the bike with success, smiling as he does so, while a rainbow appears behind him and an angelic choir is heard in the background)
NC (vo): Immediately after, Bill gets the hang of it, and it's just like being a kid again, with all the over-the-top music just like in the last film.
NC: Every time it looks like they're above a cliche, they just end up giving you that exact same cliche! (scowls)
NC (vo): Ironic, because they keep making the same running joke that Bill's endings are cliched and lame, all while giving us scenes that are cliched and lame!
1990 Pennywise: (to NC) Oh, give them some credit, will you? They're making fun of the fact of how lame my ending was, (gestures toward 2017 Pennywise) where this version obviously doesn't end with a... (He stops abruptly as 2017 Pennywise looks around awkwardly) You didn't, did you? You didn't put in the spider, did you?
2017 Pennywise: Well, I...
1990 Pennywise: You did!
2017 Pennywise: Look, can we discuss this later?
1990 Pennywise: I should've mailed this script to R.L. Stine.
2017 Pennywise: Hey, you had a spider, too!
1990 Pennywise: I was a miniseries with Seth Green! How else could it end?!
2017 Pennywise: Oh, well, aren't we special here!
(The two Pennywises start arguing with one another inaudibly, while the Joker stares in confusion. At one point, the 1990 Pennywise tries to block out what the 2017 Pennywise is saying by covering his ears and saying, "La, la, la! I can't hear you!")
Joker: (to NC) Are they always this comedic?
NC: Only when they're not trying to be.
(And with that, we go to a commercial. Upon return, we see Bill again as he looks into a sewer drain under a sidewalk)
NC (vo): So Bill sees his younger brother Georgie in a sewer drain. Yeah, it's him, dumbass! All is good now!
Georgie (Tamara): Hi, brother! I haven't aged a bit!
(Suddenly, Georgie explodes, turning into Pennywise)
Pennywise: Ho-ho! (Bill recoils, more in confusion than shock) Never pay full price for late pizza!
Bill: That's got nowhere.
Dean: Hey Mister, you okay?!
(Bill turns to see Dean, played by Tamara)
Bill: (grabbing Dean by the shoulders) No I'm not! Hey listen! If you see a killer clown just run! JUST RUUU—
(Cut back to Joker)
Joker: Let me guess: This boy isn’t related to anyone either.
2017 Pennywise: No. They actually have a long and complicated history.
Joker: Really? Do tell.
2017 Pennywise: He lives in the same house Bill did.
2017 Pennywise: He saw him at the Chinese restaurant.
2017 Pennywise: I am finished talking.
Joker: WHY AM I SUPPOSED TO CARE ABOUT THAT?!
1990 Pennywise: Well they did order the same thing.
(Everyone turns to look at 1990 Pennywise, confused)
1990s Pennywise: Prince Albert in a can! Wa-hah! Wa-hah! Wa-hah! Wa-hah! Wa-hah! Wa-hah! Wa-hah!
NC: Knock it off.
1990s Pennywise: Okay.
Bill: Just don’t go near any clowns alright random-boy-I-kind-of-remember-seeing-earlier?!
Dean: Okay. I’m going to a fair now.
Bill: Sure to be no clowns there. Wait! Random-boy-I-kind-of-remember-seeing-ealierrrrrr!
(Cut to the funhouse where their are swinging clowns on sticks as Pennywise approaches and eats Dean)
NC (vo): Bill follows him to the worlds most expensive fair funhouse where Pennywise gobbles him up!
Bill: Noooo! Random-boy-I-kind-of-remember-seeing-earlier!
1990s Pennywise: See here’s way it gets fun! Remember how you said you wanted to see more of the haunted house scene from the first movie?! Well, the rest of the movie is nothing, but that!
NC: That is true! And full disclourse: It is a lot of fun!
(Shows scenes of Bev with her head on fire, Richie turning around and encountering a giant lumberjack statue that smiles evilly at him and causes him to run away, and a walking zombie like corpse)
NC (vo): From a giant Paul Bunyan to a zombie in a getaway car to Bev’s face like a hot sauce label; it’s just total madness! By the time it gets to that scene with the old lady that the trailers made so famous, it doesn’t even feel shocking anymore; it’s just another prop rock in your two litre soda!
(Cut to Bev sitting and smiling uncomfortably with the old lady, played by Barney Walker)
Old lady: Dearie! Did you know my father was in a circus.
Old lady: Yes. He was a clown named Pennywise.
Bev: Oh my god! Tell me everything! His backstory! His lore!
Old lady: We don’t have time for that.
Bev: In a three hour movie, we don’t have time for that?
Old lady: We had a turtle in a desk! That should explain it!
Bev: Well what are we going to replace it with? Another fake looking monster—you’re already turning into it aren’t you?
Old lady (offscreen): I had to build up the suspense of my final form!
Bev: Ohhhh! we call that Dragon Balling it.
(Suddenly the Old lady reappears with her head on the body of a skeletal skin figure.)
Old lady: Terrifying isn’t it?
(The old lady babbling incoherently as Bev tries to suppress a giggle. NC also tried to suppress a giggle.)
1990s IT: Yes! That’s it! That’s it! Embrace the awkwardness Smirk at the cheesiness! Feel it in all it’s Curryness.
NC: But, there is no Curryness! I mean you—I mean- this isn’t a Tim Curry movie!
1990s It: Isn’t it though!? Aren’t you fascinatingly delighted at the awful hilarity at what you are witnessing before you?!
NC: Well, yeah, but was it intentional?
(NC and 1990s it turn to look at 2017 IT)
2017 IT: Ehhhhh welllll uh uh uh—Would you pay to see it again?
2017 IT: Then we are win!
NC: I’m strangely okay with that.
(The Losers club is now in IT’s lair as a spider with Stan’s head walks by. His eyes still have black x’s over them. An explosion happens and the group sees Ash from Evil dead (played by Jim Jarosz).
NC (vo): Truth be told, by the time we get to the climax, I’m surprised at how much time has passed because I was having so much fun. When they see Stanley’s head with spider legs running around, I keep expecting Ash from Evil Dead 2, it feels that silly!
Ben: Sorry, this is a different gory movie.
Ash: The Thing?
(Ash shrugs and walks away)
NC (vo): But, here’s the problem: We’re at the climax where things should probably be wrapping up.
NC: But the movie has another forty minutes left!
1990s It: What?!
Losers Club: What?!
Richie: What the hell could we be doing that lasts forty minutes?!
NC: How about the same thing you did the last time?
(Shows the Losers Club getting ready to fight Pennywise as a spider, which just is his head on spider legs)
NC (vo): After Pennywise turns into a half clown half spider....
Ben: It doesn’t even feel real anymore?
Eddie: Yeah, he sort of look like Turbo from the end of Wreck-It Ralph.
NC (vo): They have to hide how bad the effects are by having strobe lights flickering, fast editing, and a whole lot is shaky cam throughout it the entire fight!
(The “fight” is shown as “SEIZURE WARNING” appears on the screen, followed by “NO SERIOUSLY USE “RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARC”. KEEP YOUR EYES CLOSED UNTIL IT’S QUIET).
NC (vo): And I mean, through out the entire fight!
1990s IT: Well, that sounds awful. You can at least see how terrible my ending was.
Joker: Yeah, what’s with the sudden change I quality?
2017 IT: Well with the movie being three hours long, I figure hand over this part to a person who knows how to do long action sequences and still make a lot of money.
NC: Who would make so much money using shaky cam, fast editing, and flicking lights—-
(2017 IT nods his head smiling)
NC: (facepalming) Oh God!
(Cut to Michael Bay (played by Doug Walker))
Michael Bay: Michael Bay here! Delighting the world with what’s impossible to see....because I shoot it in a way that’s impossible to see.
NC: Do you ever take a break from ruining things!
Michael Bay: Critic! What an ugly thing to say! And No I don’t.
Joker: Hey come on, give him a chance. The guy who directing The Hangover is directing my film (Michael Bay starts nodding). Let's see how this fair's out.
(A few second of the fight plays)
Joker: I immediately hate this.
Michael Bay: A new record! Bay you're done it again.
NC: Because you don't know how to do anything else.
Michael Bay: I'm ok with that.