It: Chapter Two

It chapter two nc.jpg

October 9, 2019
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(The Channel Awesome logo is displayed, followed by the 2019 Nostalgia-Ween opening, which features footage of the Nostalgia Critic's review of the 2017 movie version of Stephen King's It)

Nostalgia Stack (vo): September 8, 2017: The cinematic version of It is released in theaters. It broke box office records, was praised by critics and audiences, and made people remember that Stephen King can be scary (Poster of Stanley Kubrick's The Shining is displayed) with as little Stephen King involvement as possible. Two years later, its sequel is released. Will it have the same impact as the first one? Can it actually make a giant spider scary? And will it erase the everlasting awesomeness of a Tim Curry performance?

(The foggy cityscape is now shown as Nostalgia Stack walks out in front of the camera)

Nostalgia Stack: Not to give any spoilers, but no! I'm Nostalgia Stack, and welcome to Nostalgia-Ween. (nods)

(The Unsolved Mysteries parody this time has the following words sliding down the purple bars: "Nostalgia Critic", "Steven [sic] King", "Balloons!", "It", "Giant Spider", "Maine", "Oh Yes, They Float!", "Tim Curry", "Wa-Ha!", "Nostalgia Ween". The "reviewed" clips this time around include those from reviews of Hocus Pocus and Devil. After the opening, we see NC walking through a prop storage area with one of the Chart Guys (played by Rob))

NC: I don't know, I just feel like we have enough cast members already.

Chart Guy: The chart says clowns are hot right now!

NC: Popularly or sexually?

Chart Guy: Sure. (They walk up to a door) That's why we need to incorporate this one (gestures toward door) into the show as much as possible.

NC: (sighs) All right, I'll try my best to make him feel at home. (opens the door and talks to someone offscreen) Hey, just so you know, we'll be filming in five minutes.

Offscreen voice: Oh, Critic, one more thing...

NC: Yeah?

Offscreen voice: When you bring me out... (The camera turns around to reveal the 2019 Joker (played by Walter)) ...can you introduce me as Joker?

(NC and the Chart Guy stare in confusion)

NC: (shakes head) No.

(They turn to leave, but the Chart Guy then stops him)

Chart Guy: Oh! (holds up index finger) We could get woke points with the progressive demographic.

NC: How?

Chart Guy: He could identify as "Clown".

NC: (stares briefly, then turns back to the Joker) Look, just be ready in five minutes.

(They leave, closing the door behind him. The Joker sits back down at his dressing room mirror)

Joker: Well, this is it, your big moment.

Offscreen voice: It certainly is.

(Startled, the Joker turns around to see who said that. It's Pennywise the Dancing Clown, as played by Bill Skarsgard in the 2017 version of It (played by Doug). The Joker and Pennywise both jump back with a startled yelp)

Joker: What the hell are you doing here?!

Pennywise (Bill Skarsgard): What else? I'm here to show you how you can be the creepiest clown you can be!

Joker: By randomly jump-scaring into rooms?

Pennywise (Skarsgard): The more I do, the more people weirdly think I'm brilliant!

Joker: Why?

Another offscreen voice: Because he stole it from me.

(Again, the Joker turns around to see who said that. It's...Pennywise the Dancing Clown, this time as played by Tim Curry in the 1990 miniseries (also played by Doug). Again, the Joker and this Pennywise jump back with a startled yelp)

Pennywise (Tim Curry): What? I'm just sitting here!

Joker: I know, I'm just scared of clowns.

Pennywise (Curry): (confused) ...What?!

Pennywise (Skarsgard): Look, Krusty, not to toot our own horns... (Pennywise (Curry) holds up a horn and toots it) ...but we've made a lot of money over the years.

Pennywise (Curry): Yes, when people think "scary clowns", we're the first things that come to mind.

Pennywise (Skarsgard): So we're here to give you a few pointers.

(Suddenly, the door opens, and NC enters the room again, to the surprise of both Pennywises)

NC: Okay, you about ready the–?

(NC notices both Pennywises in the room. Pennywise (Curry) shields his face with his left hand, looks to the right and whistles an innocent tune. Pennywise (Skarsgard) looks away and clears his throat)

NC: Oh, no. (points at both Pennywises) No, no, no, no, no, no, no! (Points at Joker) You don't want any of their help!

Joker: Well...I might.

NC: No, you don't. They're like Happy Meals. They're fun at first, but they're slowly destroying you. And their clown's a little scarier.

Pennywise (Curry): (scoffs) He always ruins our fun!

Pennywise (Skarsgard): Yeah! Let Terrifier here figure out his own strategy.

NC: Okay. What is your strategy, Joker?

(Pennywise (Skarsgard) looks at Joker in anticipation)

Joker: Well, I was thinking more of, like, a slow burn, you know? (Creepy music starts playing, as Pennywise (Skarsgard) looks in confusion about Joker's idea of scary) Take my time, build suspense, (talks more demented) get into a person's psyche, (Pennywise (Curry) also looks confused) let the weight of a truly disturbed mind get under people's skin.

(After a beat, both Pennywises laugh hysterically about Joker's idea, much to the shock and confusion of the latter. Pennywise (Curry) even laughs his signature laugh for a short amount of time)

Pennywise (Curry): (still amused) Well, I don't know about scares, but you got the funny part down!

Pennywise (Skarsgard): Oh, Binky, you got it all backwards. You have to have a million jump scares.

Pennywise (Curry): Loud, obnoxious music.

Pennywise (Skarsgard): Constant movement with goofy faces.

Pennywise (Curry): And, of course, turn into some sort of giant monster that goes "Bleagh, bleagh, bleagh!"

(Pennywise (Skarsgard) imitates the goofy sounds of the monster. As this continues, Joker looks to NC in confusion, who shakes his head and gives a face and hand movement saying, "See what I mean?" Both Pennywises finish their demonstration shortly after that)

Joker: Oh, I always thought that was always seen as annoying and cliched.

Pennywise (Skarsgard): (scoffs) Do we look like annoying and cliched?

NC: (deadpan) Yes.

Joker: Yes.

Pennywise (Curry): (now deadpan) Even I have to say yes.

Pennywise (Skarsgard): Oh, who cares? We make money. With our forces combined, who knows what we can accomplish?

NC: (confused) Yeah, when did this happen? I thought you two hated each other because you did things so differently.

Pennywise (Curry): Oh, that was the old Pennywises. The new Pennywises (folds his hands together) work glove in glove.

Pennywise (Skarsgard): Yes, the truth is, we've listened to your criticism. We put more focus on the imaginative insanity that killer clowns can offer.

NC: (nods) All right, that's cool. And you fixed all the other problems?

Pennywise (Curry): If by "fixed", you mean "magnified"...

NC: Which I don't.

Pennywise (Curry): ...then we made them worse.

Pennywise (Skarsgard): And longer! Where Chapter One was a little over two-and-a-half hours long, Chapter Two is nearly (holds up three fingers) three hours.

Joker: And that's just Chapter Two? How long is this book?

NC: (deadpan) Short, by Stephen King standards.

Pennywise (Skarsgard): (annoyed at NC) You know, we try to up into your standards, and we still get flack for it!

Pennywise (Curry): (also annoyed at NC) Yes, it's more crazy, more entertaining, has more of an identity. What the hell is wrong with it now?!

NC: (delighted) Well, if you must pry...

Pennywise (Curry): Already wishing I didn't.

NC: ...there are several different elements that we can go over.

Joker: Wait, don't we have something we need to shoot?

NC: It's okay. I speak in reenactment.

Pennywise (Skarsgard): Ooh, that's a tough language.

(The title card for the movie is shown and some balloons make a transition to an amusement park with a Ferris Wheel. The caption "27 YEARS LATER" is shown. The first characters we get are two gay men called Adrian Mellon and Don Hagarty, played by Doug and Malcolm, and a group of gang members, played by Walter, Heather and Jim. Both enter the scene like normal people)

NC (vo): We open 27 years after the first film, as a deeply complex gay couple are approached by a very well-developed street gang...

(As NC speaks, the gang members start to act like stereotypical bullies and the gay men start to act like stereotypical gay men with their hands positioned in a fancy way)

NC (vo): Nah, just kidding; they're all stereotypes.

Gang Member Walter: Thought we heard some gay.

Gang Member Heather: We don't like that there gay duft around 'ere.

(Gang Member Jim giggles)

Adrian (NC): Well, Meg Ryan called. (Moves his index finger in front of him) She wants her wig back.

Don Hagarty (Malcolm): Oh, I get it. (Touches Adrian's shoulder) This takes place in the 90s.

Adrian: No, no, it takes place in 2016.

Don Hagarty: Who makes Meg Ryan jokes in 2016?

Adrian: I don't know. Is this how gay guys talk, or whatever?

Don Hagarty: Maybe in a Lifetime Movie.

Adrian: Who the hell even are we? It just opened up on us. We're not main characters or anything.

Don Hagarty: Look, let's just snap, because that's probably what the writers think that gay guys do.

Adrian: Good idea.

(Both snap at the gang members, who look confused towards each other)

Don Hagarty (off-screen): Good job, honey.

(Both walk in a dark alleyway)

Adrian: Thanks, sweetie. Now, let's walk down this dark alleyway after insulting some obviously violent people.

(As both walk through the alley, the gang members push them off-screen, and in the next shot, gang member Jim is beating Adrian on the ground)

NC (vo): They're attacked, though, as one of them is beaten savagely.

Adrian: Yeah? Well, I... (addresses NC directly) I can't say that line.

NC: (arms crossed) You have to say it.

Adrian: I don't want to say that line.

NC: (waves hand) It's in the script.

Adrian: Do these writers know any gay people?

NC: Clearly not. Now let’s hear it.

Adrian: (sighs; back in the scene) Well, I still hate your hair. (The gang members all give a look of pain and embarrassment) I know. I'll punch myself out.

(Adrian knocks himself out and gets thrown down a bridge by the gang members. As he regains consciousness, he gets a helping hand from Pennywise, who devours him)

NC (vo): He's tossed over the bridge, where a hungry Pennywise finishes him off.

(We go back to NC, Joker, and the two Pennywises)

Joker: Wow! So which of the Losers Club is that?

NC: None of them.

Joker: Well, which one was he related to?

NC: None of them.

Joker: Well, how does that relate to anything?

Pennywise (Skarsgard): Well, it's so I can leave a message for Michael.

(Michael Hanlon (played by Malcolm) is seen turning on a police scanner, listens in briefly, and then runs out of the room, where he discovers the message "Wish You Were Here" written in blood on a stone wall)

Pennywise (Skarsgard) (vo): You see, he listens to police scanners now to hear if any crimes have a killer clown vibe.

Joker: Well, why didn't he just leave the message at his house or kill someone in his family?

Pennywise (Skarsgard): (beat) Well, then we wouldn't get that amazing Meg Ryan joke.

(Joker looks at NC, who in turn looks at Pennywise (Curry))

Pennywise (Curry): It's funny if you imagine me afterwards going, (pumps his arm) "WA-HA! WA-HA! WA-HA!..."

(As Pennywise (Curry) continues, Joker laughs. Even NC covers his mouth, trying not to laugh himself)

NC: Actually, it is.

Joker: How does he do that?

Pennywise (Skarsgard): (to Pennywise (Curry)) You know, stop being my training wheels!

(Pennywise (Curry) looks away, with a flourish of his arm. Back to the "movie", with Michael pushing a button on the scanner, summoning the rest of the Loser Club. A signal appears in the sky, Batman-style, consisting of a loser sign (a finger making an L shape))

NC (vo): So Michael summons the rest of the Loser Club, who have forgotten all about the incident...

(Pennywise's face appears and zooms up in front of the screen, serving as a Batman-style transition from one scene to the next. The next scene shows the first member of the Loser Club: Bill Denbrough, played by Walter)

NC (vo): Bill, a famous writer who, get this, has trouble writing endings...

(He walks up to a man with the image of Peter Bogdanovich as Peter the director covering it over)

Bill: So, Peter – (makes a winking motion) wink – being an author and director – wink – who specializes in horror – wink – I just can't seem to get these endings right. (blinks both eyes) Blink.

Peter (mouth moving up and down, voiced by NC): You mean wink.

Bill: No, that was so obvious, both eyes had to close.

Peter: Why even have me in this? No one in the audience knows who I am.

Bill: Hey, I do. I love the way you directed Annie Hall.

Peter: I assure you, if I could smile, I wouldn't.

Bill: (laughs) Yeah.

(We then transition Batman style to the next scene, showing Beverly Marsh (played by Aiyanna) in a bedroom confronting her husband, Tom Rogan (played by Jim), who plays the part very similarly to the way he played Beverly's father in the first It review)

NC (vo): ...Beverly, who's escaped the abusive control of her father into the abusive control of her husband...

Tom: Did you do something to your hair?

Beverly: I have to go.

Tom: You're not going anywhere, not until we discuss all the reasons why you keep terrible men close to you.

Beverly: We don't have time for that.

Tom: We don't have time for that in a three-hour movie?

Beverly: Well, it's more about jump scares now than actual characters, so...

(Beverly snaps her fingers and Pennywise runs into the room)

Pennywise: (shaking his hands in front of Tom) Booga-booga-booga!

(Startled, Tom yelps and jumps back. Pennywise does the Woody Woodpecker laugh and runs off, as Beverly shrugs. We transition again, this time to Richie Tozier (played by Heather) doing stand-up comedy on a stage)

NC (vo): ...Richie, who both surprisingly and nonsurprisingly became a stand-up...

Richie: Hey! So, uh, did you hear the one about the killer clown who got a guy more into comedy than out? (Audience laughs) It's just that every time he hears laughter, he curls into a ball and pisses himself! (Gets down and acts like the killer clown in a tearful voice) Oh, God, I see you when I close my eyes! (Gets back up again and resumes smiling) Am I right, boys?!

(We next transition to Eddie Kaspbrak (played by Tamara) sitting in a parked car)

NC (vo): ...Eddie, who has an overbearing wife and is a risk assessor who gets in an accident...

(Suddenly, another car crashes into Eddie's, causing the camera to shake violently. Eddie is thrown off-balance, but is otherwise unhurt)

Eddie: Oh, I get it, we all have ironic futures. You win at storytelling.

(Steam spews out into the driver's seat. Next, we are shown Stanley Uris (played by Trevor) standing in a room)

NC (vo): ...Stanley...

Stanley: (excited) All right! I'm finally gonna get some development!

NC (vo): ...who kills himself in the opening minutes...

Stanley: (holding up a knife, still excited) Fair enough!

(We immediately see Stanley, in his cardboard cutout pose with crossed-out eyes, lying in a bathtub, dead, as somber bell tone is heard. We are next shown Ben Hanscom (played by Jason Laws) standing in a room filled with photos)

NC (vo): ...and lastly, Ben, who, in the miniseries, you may remember being played by (Shots of the following two actors who play Ben appear in both corners, one after the other...) Brandon Crane and John Ritter, two people you could easily believe were the younger and older versions of the same person.

(We transition once again (this time with sushi thrown across the screen) to the Loser Club members all standing together in a Chinese restaurant)

NC (vo): But here, the actor playing the grown-up version is so painfully different, it's kind of hilarious.

Michael: (seeing Ben come into the room) Oh, wow, Ben! You've lost so much weight!

Beverly: And put on a lot of muscle.

(The grown-up version of Ben Hanscom is shown, now played by Adonis K.J. Wright instead of Jason Laws)

Ben: Yeah, you know, doing push-ups, hitting the gym... (shrugs) That's all we're gonna explore with that.

(Everyone stares briefly and then shrugs)

Everyone: Okay!

(The Loser Club is now seen drinking at a bar in the Chinese restaurant. They are all shown individually, one by one)

NC (vo): Everybody socializes at a Chinese restaurant, but the tone is so all over the place, it flip-flops between fun and playful to intense and threatening in a millisecond.

Beverly: (holding up her bottle of beer for a toast) To the pathetic geeks of the Loser Club... (Everyone raises their bottles to join in the toast) ...who all somehow grew up into gorgeous, successful people.

(Everyone laughs, until a horrible thought comes to Bill)

Bill: Strange that Stanley couldn't make it.

(The music turns dramatic as everyone becomes concerned)

Richie: And how we all lost our memories of the demented hellhole that is Derry.

Beverly: It's not that strange. I was in a movie called Dark Phoenix, and I don't remember a thing about it.

(Everyone sits solemnly, until...)

Eddie: (becoming abruptly excited) Look! Fortune cookies!

(Eddie takes one, as does everyone else. They all laugh again as they open up and eat the cookies. But then, they take a good look at their fortunes and become concerned again)

Michael: They all have a word!

(The fortunes all have individual words on them: "R", "FX", "Budget", "Was", "Cut")

Bill: We need to figure this puzzle out!

(Frantically, they all try to put the words together)

Ben: What the hell?! What the hell?! What the hell?! What the hell?! What the fuck?!

Beverly: Guys? (They all stop and look at her) Can it just be an accident or a funny prank the restaurant is pulling?

Bill: Fortune cookies are serious, Bev!

Eddie: They tell us our future!

Michael: And lucky numbers!

(They all resume trying to put the words together)

Richie: Where is the cut?!

Ben: Look, we figured out what it says!

(Suddenly, they stop and look, wide-eyed, and read closely...)

Ben: "Our effects budget was cut."

Bev: What does that mean?

Ben: I don't– I don't follow...

(Suddenly, through bad CGI effects, the fortune cookies sprout various body parts and lift into the air. One sprouts bat wings, another an eyeball and a third tentacles)

Everyone: (showing no fear) Ohhhhhh...

Ben: Now I get it.

Richie: They're actually kind of cute.

(Pennywise (Skarsgard) suddenly waves his hands in disapproval and speaks to the Loser Club)

Pennywise (Skarsgard): No, no, no, no, no, no! Those are supposed to be scary!

Richie: Oh, um... (awkwardly) Ahhh!

(Everyone screams as well, but not in terror, more in awkward confusion)

Bill: (flatly) It so looks like it's really there! Whoa!

(Everyone else shrugs. We transition to Michael's house, where Bill meets him)

NC (vo): Bill meets at Mike's house to explain why he brought him there.

Bill: So It wanted us to come home.

Michael: It looks that way.

Bill: Then why did we come back? Isn't that giving It what It wants?

Michael: We made an oath to come back if It returns.

Bill: Which It clearly wants. Besides, we were 12 when we made that oath. How many promises have you kept from that age?

Michael: I promised I'd kill Steve Urkel.

Bill: And?

Michael: You've seen him around lately?

Bill: (after a brief beat, resumes speaking) My point is, this is becoming an obsession.

Michael: This town is my obsession. Always has been since I was a child!

(Suddenly, Ben (the past version, as played by Jason Laws) walks up)

Past Ben: Uh, excuse me. Past Ben here. I was the one who used to be obsessed with the town. (turns to Michael) Remember?

Michael: No, you were obsessed with New Kids on the Block.

Past Ben: And the town. Remember?

(We flash back to "one movie earlier" (in black and white), showing the Loser Club next to a bulletin board that Ben had put up, full of drawings and photographs by him)

Past Ben (vo): I had all the pictures on my wall. I had a picture of Pennywise with the founders of the town...which went nowhere, by the way.

Past Ben: (in flashback) Yeah, I studied disappearances and histories of towns that I just moved to.

Eddie: (in flashback) Wow, your incredibly distinct quirk is very convenient for us.

(Cut back to the present day)

Bill: Oh, yeah.

Michael: Well, clearly, leaving Derry made you forget all of that.

Past Ben: (speaks deadpan, realizing Mike has a point) Yeah, that's it. (Turns to the camera) Oh, and by the way, it's been a while since I've done any filming, so if there's any way you could digitally de-age me in a way that's not disturbing...(Suddenly, to Bill and Michael's surprise, the head of a baby is digitally popped onto Past Ben's head) Thank you. (He walks off)

Bill: (to Michael) Wait, did you hear that?

Michael: What?

Bill: There's no loud music or zany imagery.

Michael: (holding up a purple cup containing something-or-other) Well, drink this and maybe we can have a quiet conversation.

Bill: Oh, nice. (Michael pours drink down Bill's throat for him) Ah! It is much easier to relate to someone in a relax set– (Suddenly, we cut to them with their bodies distorted while their heads remain in place, albeit wide-eyed, as the room becomes a starry area) That drink was drugged, wasn't it?

Michael: Yes, it was, and I must tell you about the Native American tribe who figured out how to kill It.

Bill: You couldn't just tell me sober?

Michael: That would require the movie sitting still and being quiet for a minute.

Bill: Not that!

Michael: Yes, that!

Bill: Well, at least the next scene will probably be quieter.

NC (vo): We cut to a loud football game where a little girl sees Pennywise under the bleachers.

(Under the dark bleachers of a football stadium, the little girl (played by Tamara), who has face paintings of Pac-Man and a ghost, spots Pennywise. He claps his hands together once as he shows himself to her)

Pennywise: Hello!

(Joker begins to get interested)

Joker: Ah! Now, who is this character related to? (The two Pennywises become confused and look around nervously as Joker quickly turns from interested to annoyed) SHE'S NOT EVEN RELATED TO ANYONE?!

Pennywise (Curry): Look, if you're searching for logic, don't approach the guy who wrote Sleepwalkers!

Pennywise (Skarsgard): Yeah, if you're looking for under-explaining and over-explaining at the same time, that's more his strong point.

Pennywise (Curry): (frowning) You're not helping.

(Cut back to the little girl and Pennywise)

Pennywise: Hoo-hoo-hoo! Where's your mommy, girl with totally convincing birthmark?

Little Girl: (gesturing behind her with her thumb) She's off getting the Best Parent of the Year Award while I talk to a very scary clown.

Pennywise: Ohhh, must be how all the adults in Derry ignore the terrible things that happen to kids.

Little Girl: Really? Tell me more about that.

Pennywise: We don't have time.

Little Girl: (confused) In a three-hour movie, you don't have time?

Pennywise: Well, it's rude to talk with your mouth full.

Little Girl: But your mouth isn't–

(Suddenly, with a roar, Pennywise opens his mouth, and the camera zooms in it. The little girl is heard screaming as he eats her alive. Via blood-splattering effect, the scene transitions to an underground bunker, where the members of the Losers Club try to plan their next steps)

NC (vo): Meanwhile, the Loser Club visits an underground play bunker that lasted all these years. You know, like most kids made in their spare time.

Michael: I brought you all here to tell you how we can destroy It.

Bill: (suddenly becomes frightened) Oh, no! He drugged you all! Just hold the ground and think still thoughts!

Michael: No. I only drugged you.

Bill: W-What made you think that they would understand and I wouldn’t?!

Michael: Well, you just had this sort of "I need to be drugged" look about you.

Beverly: Well, I'm comfortable with where I am right now.

Michael: You all need to find items that you associate with your childhoods (holds up a vase) and burn them in this ancient pot.

Bill: I think you've had enough ancient pot already.

Ben: I'm in.

Eddie: Yeah, me, too.

Richie: I have absolutely no problem with this at all.

Bill: (stares) Seriously? Nobody is questioning this?! (taps vase)

Eddie: Maybe you did need to be drugged.

Beverly: Yeah, I mean, this all seems pretty straightforward.

Richie: Then let the Zelda-style sidequests begin!

(We are suddenly shown a screenshot of the original Legend of Zelda, where we see the Loser Club, rendered in the game's style, all raise their hand, while an 8-bit-sounding fanfare plays. Then a Minecraft sword cuts through the screen and we transition to Bill sitting down next to a bike, then gets back up with a smile)

NC (vo): Okay, so here's one of the interesting problems with this movie. Bill finds an old bike and becomes happily nostalgic.

Bill: Riding this will bring back the memories of childhood.

(Bill then tries actually riding it, but he has too much trouble keeping his balance and he falls down with a crash offscreen)

NC: Now that's funny, making you think they're gonna do one cliche and then not follow through with it.

(Bill is seen struggling to ride the bike, but then sparkles appear on the screen, and Bill is seen riding the bike with success, smiling as he does so, while a rainbow appears behind him and an angelic choir is heard in the background)

NC (vo): The only problem is, they do. Immediately after, Bill gets the hang of it, and it's just like being a kid again, with all the over-the-top music just like in the last film.

NC: Every time it looks like they're above a cliche, they just end up giving you that exact same cliche.

NC (vo): Ironic, because they keep making the same running joke that Bill's endings are cliched and lame, all while they keep giving us scenes that are cliched and lame!

Pennywise (Curry): (to NC) Oh, give them some credit, will you? They're making fun of the fact of how lame my ending was, (gestures toward Pennywise (Skarsgard)) where this version obviously doesn't end with a... (He stops abruptly as Pennywise (Skarsgard) looks around awkwardly) You didn't, did you? You didn't put in the spider, did you?

Pennywise (Skarsgard): Well, I...

Pennywise (Curry): (shocked and angered) You did!

Pennywise (Skarsgard): Look, can we discuss this later?

Pennywise (Curry): I should've mailed this script to R.L. Stine.

Pennywise (Skarsgard): Hey, you had a spider, too!

Pennywise (Curry): I was a miniseries with Seth Green! How else could it end?!

Pennywise (Skarsgard): Oh, well, aren't we special here!

(The two Pennywises start arguing with one another inaudibly, while Joker stares in confusion. At one point, Pennywise (Curry) tries to block out what Pennywise (Skarsgard) is saying by covering his ears and saying, "La, la, la! I can't hear you!")

Joker: (to NC) Are they always this comedic?

NC: Only when they're not trying to be.

(And with that, we go to a commercial. Upon returning, we see Bill again as he looks into a sewer drain under a sidewalk, where he appears to see Georgie)

NC (vo): So Bill sees his younger brother Georgie in a sewer drain. Yeah, it's him, dumbass! All is good now!

Georgie (Tamara): Hi, brother! I haven't aged a bit!

(Suddenly, Georgie explodes, turning into Pennywise)

Pennywise: Ho-ho! (Bill recoils, more in confusion than shock) Never pay full price for late pizza!

Bill: That seemed out of nowhere.

Dean: Hey, mister, you okay?

(Bill turns to see a boy named Dean, played by Tamara)

Bill: (grabbing Dean by the shoulders) No, I'm not! Listen! If you see a killer clown anywhere, just run! JUST RUUU—

(Cut back to Joker and the Pennywises)

Joker: Let me guess: This boy isn’t related to anyone either.

Pennywise (Skarsgard): No. They actually have a long, complicated history.

Joker: Really? Do tell.

Pennywise (Skarsgard): He lives in the same house Bill did.

Joker: And?

Pennywise (Skarsgard): He saw him at the Chinese restaurant.

Joker: And?

Pennywise (Skarsgard): I am finished talking.


Pennywise (Curry): Well, they did order the same thing. (Everyone turns to look at Pennywise (Curry)) Prince Albert in a can! Wa-hah! Wa-hah! Wa-hah! Wa-hah! Wa-hah! Wa-hah! Wa-hah!

NC: Knock it off.

Pennywise (Curry): Okay.

(We go back to the current scene)

Bill: Just don't go near any clowns, all right, Random-boy-I-kind-of-remember-seeing-earlier?!

Dean: Okay. I'm gonna go to a fair now. (Walks away)

Bill: Sure to be no clowns there. (Realizes where Dean is going) Wait! Random-boy-I-kind-of-remember-seeing-earlierrrrrr!

(He runs after Dean, eventually finding him at a funhouse filled with swinging clowns on sticks. Bill is too late to save him, though, as Pennywise finds Dean and kills him)

NC (vo): Bill follows him to the world's most expensive fair funhouse, where Pennywise gobbles him up.

Bill: Noooo! Random-boy-I-kind-of-remember-seeing-earlier!

(Pennywise (Curry) suddenly speaks to NC eagerly)

Pennywise (Curry): See, here's where it gets fun. Remember how you said you wanted to see more of the haunted house scene from the first one? Well, the rest of the movie is nothing but that!

NC: (nodding in agreement) That is true. And full disclosure, it is a lot of fun.

(As NC speaks, we are shown a montage of various reenacted scenes of the Losers experiencing frightening encounters, including Bev with her head on fire, Richie turning around and encountering a giant lumberjack statue that smiles evilly at him and causes him to run away, and a walking zombie-like corpse)

NC (vo): Literally, every scene in the rest of the movie is a bunch of corny, ridiculous, over-the-top scares with absolutely horrible effects. Not one of them is convincing or scary.

NC: But...they are really, really funny.

NC (vo): From a giant Paul Bunyan, to a zombie in a getaway car, to Bev's face like a hot sauce label, it's just total madness. By the time it gets to that scene with the old lady that the trailers made so famous, it doesn’t even feel shocking anymore; it’s just another pop rock in your two-liter soda!

(Cut to Bev sitting and smiling uncomfortably with the old lady, played by Barney Walker)

Old lady: Dearie, did you know my father was in a circus?

Bev: Really?

Old lady: Yes. He was a clown named Pennywise.

Bev: Oh, my God! Tell me everything! His backstory! His lore!

Old lady: We don't have time for that.

Bev: In a three-hour movie, we don't have time for that?

Old lady: We had a turtle on a desk. That should explain it.

Bev: Well, what are we going to replace it with? Another fake-looking monster? You're already turning into it, aren’t you?

Old lady (offscreen): I had to build up the suspense of my final form.

Bev: Ohh, we call that Dragon Balling it.

(Suddenly, the old lady reappears with her head on the body of a skeletal skin figure)

Old lady: Terrifying, isn't it?

(The old lady babbles incoherently as Bev tries to suppress a giggle. NC also tries to suppress a giggle)

Pennywise (Curry): Yes! That's it! That's it! Embrace the awkwardness, smirk at the cheesiness! Feel it in all its Curryness!

NC: But, there is no Curryness...I mean, you– I mean– this isn't a Tim Curry movie!

Pennywise (Curry): Isn't it, though? Aren't you fascinatingly delighted at the awful hilarity at what you're witnessing before you?

NC: Well, yeah, but was it intentional?

(NC and Pennywise (Curry) turn to look at Pennywise (Skarsgard))

Pennywise (Skarsgard): Ehhhhh, well...uh, uh, uh...would you pay to see it again?

NC: Maybe.

Pennywise (Skarsgard): Then we all win!

NC: (beat) I'm strangely okay with that.

(The Losers Club is now in Pennywise's lair as a spider with Stan's head walks by. His eyes still have black x’s over them. An explosion happens and the group sees Ash from Evil Dead (played by Jim))

NC (vo): Truth be told, when they finally get to the climax, I'm surprised how much time has passed because I was having so much fun. When they see Stanley's head with spider legs running around, I keep expecting to see Ash from Evil Dead 2. It feels that silly!

Ben: (to Ash) Sorry, this is a different goofy, gory movie.

Ash: The Thing?

Ben: Something.

(Ash shrugs and walks away. The Losers Club prepare to walk away to face It)

NC (vo): But here's the problem: We're at the climax, where things should probably be wrapping up.

NC: But the movie has another 40 minutes left.

Joker: (stunned) What?!

Pennywise (Curry): (stunned) What?!

(The Losers Club stop walking and look at the camera, also stunned at what NC just said)

Losers Club: What?!

Richie: What the hell could we do that lasts 40 minutes?!

NC: How about the exact same thing you did in the last one?

(The Losers Club gets ready to fight Pennywise in the form of a giant spider, which is shown to just be his head Photoshopped on spider legs)

NC (vo): After Pennywise turns into a half-clown/half-spider....

Ben: Does it even feel weird anymore?

Eddie: Yeah, he kind of looks like Turbo from the end of Wreck-It Ralph.

(The "fight" is shown as "SEIZURE WARNING" appears on the screen, followed by "NO SERIOUSLY USE 'RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARC'. KEEP YOUR EYES CLOSED UNTIL IT'S QUIET")

NC (vo): ...they have to hide how bad the effects are by having strobe lights flickering, fast editing, and a whole lot of shaky cam throughout the entire fight. And I mean throughout the entire fight!

Pennywise (Curry): Well, that sounds awful. You can at least see how terrible my ending was.

Joker: Yeah, why the sudden change in quality?

Pennywise (Skarsgard): Well, with the movie being three hours, I figure, hand over this part to a person who knows how to do long action movies and still make a lot of money.

NC: Who would make so much money with shaky-cam, flickering lights, and fast editing– (Pennywise (Skarsgard) nods his head, smiling, causing NC to facepalm, realizing who he's talking about) Oh, God!

(Cut to Michael Bay (played by Doug))

Michael Bay: Michael Bay here! Delighting the world with what's impossible to see...because I don't shoot it in a way that you can see it.

NC: (annoyed) Do you ever take a break from ruining things?!

Bay: Critic, what an ugly thing to say! And no, I don't.

Joker: Hey, come on, give him a chance. The guy who directed The Hangover is directing my film. (Bay nods) Let's see how this fares out. (A few seconds of the fight plays, and it immediately causes Joker to be disappointed) I immediately hate this.

Bay: A new record! Bay, you've done it again.

NC: Because you don't know how to do anything else.

Bay: I'm okay with that.

(The Losers Club drop their weapons and start yelling at Pennywise as he starts to shrink until he disappears. The Losers Club smile triumphantly)

NC (vo): So remember how they confront their fears in the last movie, and that's what did Pennywise in? Well, this one has the unique twist of copying and pasting that. Yeah, the only difference is Eddie gets axed off... (A spider's leg suddenly strums Eddie in the head, killing him. The rest of the Losers Club rally around Richie and hug him) ...which really eats away at Rich, who they now reveal might have been a couple.

NC: Yeah. Now they decide to do subtle gay writing.

(Adrian Mellon and Don Hagerty walk across the screen at the bottom)

Adrian: I love the way we're represented in the animated Killing Joke!

(NC snacks them away. A smiling Beverly snaps her fingers with a "cha-ching", causing Bill, who was standing next to her on the right, to vanish as Ben appears standing next to her on the left)

NC (vo): Oh, by the way, Bev is in love with Ben now instead of Bill.

NC: I merely reported on this because the movie merely reported on this.

(We are shown Stanley writing a letter)

NC (vo): Oh, and here's a laugh. Apparently, Stanley wrote a letter to everyone that was to be delivered after Pennywise was killed.

NC: Can't imagine how those mailing instructions worked!

(He shows a hypothetical envelope that reads "PLEASE DELIVER AFTER GIANT SPIDER CLOWN IS DEAD". He then shows Stanley penning his letter and narrating it over the members of the Losers Club reading it, smiling and or laughing. It ends with a shot of the landscape and the film's title being shown once more)

Stanley (vo): Dear everybody who survived, so, probably not Eddie. I can say that because I'm dead, too! Good job defeating that killer clown. This is my bullshit way of making my death look like an intelligent, even inspiring move, which, given people's reaction to 13 Reasons Why, seems pretty ballsy. Anyway, I did it so I could take myself out of the equation, knowing it would help bring the group closer together to defeat evil. I don’t really get it either. I mean, I could have just met up with you guys to fight him off. If anything, my death probably brought down morale, but...I want to trick people into thinking this nonsense was about something. And the best way to do that is to play half-assed motivational drivel over clips of people slowly nodding their heads. Is it working? I don't care because I'm dead. Please recycle this when you are done reading. It, everybody!

Pennywise (Skarsgard): And that is how you scary clown.

Pennywise (Curry): Well, what did you think?

(Pennywise (Skarsgard) folds his arms and smiles triumphantly. Joker looks extremely confused at what he just saw)

Joker: Uh, what should I think?

(Joker and the Pennywises look at NC)

NC: Well, you can't say it's not entertaining.

(NC gives his final thoughts as clips of the review play)

NC (vo): I mean, the last 40 minutes drag, and...sure, it's hard to actually say this is a good movie, but it did provide a lot of laughs, a lot of awkward, confusing, possibly unintentional laughs. It’s hard to say whether or not this was meant to be funny all the way through. I mean, it doesn’t seem like the first one was supposed to be. But this film has the insane goofiness of the TV miniseries mixed with the budget of the first cinematic release, resulting in a strange hybrid that’s beyond stupid, but beyond fun, too. I don't know what this film was going for, but I can say it put a great big smile on my face for how ridiculous it was. If that's what it was hoping to accomplish, then it got a whole lot of "Wa-hahs" out of me.

NC: But, if it was meant to be scary or subtle, that's definitely not what we got here, and probably not what you should be going for.

Joker: Yeah, I think you're right. (turns back to the two Pennywises) Thanks, guys, but I think I'm going to go for something a little more grown-up.

Pennywise (Skarsgard): D'aw!

Pennywise (Curry): (crosses arms and looks away) Hmph!

NC: You're making the right call. I'll see you out there when you're ready.

(NC starts to leave and gives Joker the thumbs-up, who returns it, before NC leaves. As soon as NC is gone, however, Joker suddenly starts speaking eagerly to the two Pennywises)

Joker: Okay, you guys made bank and I want to, too. Now, tell me what I need to do.

Pennywise (Skarsgard): (clapping hands eagerly) Hoo-hoo-hoo!

Pennywise (Curry): Now, we’re cooking!

(Cut to a montage of the two Pennywises giving the Joker a makeover as they tell him what to do)

Pennywise (Skarsgard) (vo): Forget subtlety! Focus on getting as much attention on yourself as possible.

Pennywise (Curry) (vo): If it seems laughably bad, it's laughably good.

Pennywise (Skarsgard) (vo): The more annoying you can be, the more hardcore you'll become.

Pennywise (Curry) (vo): Be as loud and obnoxious as you want. Always make noise when you're onscreen.

Pennywise (Skarsgard) (vo): Act like everything you have to say is important and groundbreaking, and it will be.

(The montage ends)

Pennywise (Skarsgard): Finito!

Pennywise (Curry): Voila!

Pennywise (Skarsgard): Well, what do you think?

(It is revealed that the Joker has been transformed into Jared Leto's Joker (played again by Jim))

Joker: You know what? I think you guys might be onto something here.

Pennywise (Curry): Now go out there and make the world hate you!

Pennywise (Skarsgard): (holds up index finger) The right way!

(Cackling, the Joker gets up and leaves the room. The two Pennywises cross their arms and smile with satisfaction)

Pennywise (Skarsgard): (sighs) Now that's gonna get a reaction.

(They both nod. From offscreen, NC is heard screaming, presumably at the Joker's new look)

Pennywise (Curry): Ah, it's working already. (beat) WAH-HA!

Channel Awesome taglineBill: Fortune cookies are serious, Bev!

(The credits roll)

Trivia[edit | edit source]

  • Due to the film still being in theaters at the time upon the episode's release, scenes from the film are recreated by Doug, Malcolm, Tamara and other cast members.
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