Is Twilight the WORST Thing Ever?

Is Twilight the Worst Thing Ever?.jpeg

February 12, 2013
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(The shortened opening)

NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Well, seeing how we are still in "The Month of Love"...

(NC turns his head to the right and smiles at the camera, while a logo of a heart with his face is shown in the corner, along with the title "Nostalgia Critic's Month of Love" as well as a harp glissando)

NC: I figure it's time to ask a cinematic question about love that seems to be plaguing a lot of people's minds. (Long beat) Is Twilight the worst thing ever?

(Clips from the Twilight movies are shown)

NC (vo): The books, the movies, the all-around phenomenon, nothing generates more brainless love or cynical hate than Twilight. But is it really worthy of as much cinematic disgust as it gets?

NC: (Suddenly becomes angry) OF COURSE IT IS! IT'S THE WORST CINEMATIC BURDEN, AND NO ONE SHOULD EVER HAVE TO... (Immediately calms down) What I'm getting at is...

NC (vo): People seem to regard this franchise about a drama-addicted twit torn between an emo-tastic vampire and an ice tray stomach werewolf as one of the worst in entertainment history, both cinematic and literary. And given the line-up of bad movies we've gotten over the years (Posters of Troll 2, Batman and Robin and Catwoman are shown), is Twilight, for lack of a better term, deserving of that title?

NC (vo): Well, let's get down to what people really hate about it. It messes with the classical lore, most famously vampires don't sparkle! People have made up their own rules about vampires before, but this one seems to be the most...not vampire. There's also plenty of plot holes and established story elements that never seem to truly add up, even with the silly additions they make to the supernatural rule book. And while these additions are phenominally stupid,.... I've seen Garbage Pail Kids, so what else have you got? The effects are terrible; again, Garbage Pail Kids. Next. It's nothing but female orientated smut!... Well, you're close: It sparked the authors of female orientated smut, but these two don't even hit the sheets, until part four... part one. And to it's credit, I do think the bed gave the best performance. It did not look happy to be a flat surface for flat characters. This was actually a suicide; not too many people know that, but I digress.

NC (vo): The story is focused, albeit poorly, on the emotions of the characters. You know, when they actually decide to show emotions. Oh, don't get me wrong, it's horrible, but that doesn't make it smut until part four. And even then, the rewards are not very.... (Bella screams in pain) rewardy. So, that leaves us with one last major aspect that people seem to hate the most: The characters, and their complete fucked up ethics. The fact that these people are some of the stupidest and most selfish creations that any successful series has ever produced, and... yeah they are.

NC (vo): First, you got Edward, who has been around for more than a hundred years, and still mananged to not grow a personality; which makes figures because he falls in love with another personality stricken bland job, but we'll get to her in a bit. They share little to no chemistry, yet he constantly wants to throw himself at her feet. So much so, that even dollar store romance novels are telling him to grow a pair. He also lies to break up with her, yell at her, get in contrived cockfights, called a literal miracle of birth an evil abomination; but that's okay because.... woman like a bad bat

NC (vo): Jacob is the other idiot, who seems to have the hots for Bella. He seems to be a little smarter than Edward, and even supportive of those he cares about, but.... He is still attracted to Bella, which is why I used the term "little smarter" than Edward. His big controversy, outside of being allergic to shirts, is he imprints on a newborn baby... which, in Twilight-land, means that he has marked her to be his future mate, making him a (shows a photo of Christ and Herbert from Family Guy with a wolf's head over Herbert's) pedo wolf? I guess this part never bothered me too much because... nobody full knows how imprinting works because they just made this shit up.

NC (vo): I always thought he was doing it to protect Bella's kid, so the other wolves wouldn't kill her... or even some wolf made up bullshit sense, could see the future and see that someday they would be a couple. I don't know, they made it up, and it makes no sense; so how am I suppose to be mad at it if I don't understand it. That said, it is pretty weird to watch a kid grow, and I guess be thinking "yeah, I'm going to bang that someday", but then again, vampires in lore are usually a hundred years old, and have most likely watched their future loved ones grow up; so I don't know if anything in this set up is really new. I don't know, I guess I just find it hard to believe that Stephanie Meyer, as bat-shit crazy as a writer she is, would be able to work in a pedophile wolf; it just doesn't seem likely. Whetever the reasoning is and whatever imprinting is; I'm sure it's stupid, and probably not the main reason to hate the movies.

NC (vo): But, then we got the queen of mouth breathing, herself... Bella. Bella is where many have the most ethical problems, and they should: she's awful. She never fights for herself, is overly dependant, is constantly throwing herself into peril just so her play girl calendar's can save her. Even at her goddamn wedding, she barely cracks a smile look at that! (imitating Bella sounding bored) Oh, I'm getting married... sucks. (Normal) So, why does Bella come across as so awful, and more importantly, why do so many younger girls want to follow her?

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