Is Twilight the WORST Thing Ever?

Is Twilight the Worst Thing Ever?.jpeg


February 12, 2013
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(The shortened opening is shown, with the caption "Editorial" appearing below)

NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Well, seeing how we are still in "The Month of Love"...

(NC turns his head to the right and smiles at the camera, while a logo of a heart with his face is shown in the corner, along with the title "Nostalgia Critic's Month of Love" as well as a harp glissando)

NC: I figure it's time to ask a cinematic question about love that seems to be plaguing a lot of people's minds. (Long beat) Is Twilight the worst thing ever?

(Clips from the Twilight movies are shown)

NC (vo): The books, the movies, the all-around phenomenon, nothing generates more brainless love or cynical hate than Twilight. But is it really worthy of as much cinematic disgust as it gets?

NC: (Suddenly becomes angry) OF COURSE IT IS! IT'S THE WORST CINEMATIC BURDEN NO ONE SHOULD EVER HAVE TO... (Immediately calms down) What I'm getting at is...

(Cuts back to clips from Twilight.)

NC (vo): People seem to regard this franchise about a drama-addicted twit torn between an emo-tastic vampire and an ice tray stomach werewolf as one of the worst in entertainment history, both cinematic and literary. And given the line-up of bad movies we've gotten over the years (Posters of Troll 2, Batman and Robin and Catwoman are shown), is Twilight, for lack of a better term, deserving of that title? Well, let's get down to what people really hate about it. It messes with the classic lore, most famously vampires don't sparkle! People have made up their own rules about vampires before, but this one seems to be the most...not vampire. There's also plenty of plot holes and established story elements that never seem to truly add up, even within the silly additions they make to the supernatural rule book. And while these additions are phenomenally stupid,.... I've seen (Poster of...) Garbage Pail Kids, so what else you got? The effects are terrible; again, Garbage Pail Kids. Next. It's nothing but female orientated smut! Well, you're close. (Covers of E.L James' 50 Shades of Grey and 50 Shades Darker) It sparked the authors of female orientated smut, but these two don't even hit the bed sheets until part four... part one. And to its credit, I do think the bed gave the best performance. It did not look happy to be a flat surface for flat characters. This was actually a suicide; not too many people know that, but I digress.

NC (vo): The story is focused, albeit poorly, on the emotions of the characters. You know, when they actually decide to show emotion. Oh, don't get me wrong, it's horrible at it, but that doesn't make it smut until part four. And even then, the rewards of such an act are not .... (Bella screams in pain while her stomach is being cut open.) rewardy. So, that leaves us with one last major aspect that people seem to hate the most: The characters and their complete fucked up ethics. The fact that these people are some of the stupidest and most selfish creations that any financially successful series has ever produced, and... yeah they are.

NC (vo): First, you got Edward, who has been around for more than a hundred years, and yet still managed to not grow a personality, which figures because he falls in love with another personality stricken bland job (Bella), but we'll get to her in a bit. They share little to no chemistry, yet he constantly wants to throw himself at her feet. So much so, that even (Cover of Gayle Callen's Never Trust a Scoundrel) dollar store romance novels are telling him to grow a pair. He also likes to break up with her, yell at her, get in contrived cockfights, calls a literal miracle of birth an evil abomination, but that's okay because.... (confused) women like a bad bat?

NC (vo): Jacob is the other idiot who seems to have the hots for Bella. He seems to be a little smarter than Edward, and even supportive of those he cares about, but.... he is still attracted to Bella, which is why I used the term "little smarter" than Edward. His big controversy, outside of being allergic to shirts, is he imprints on a newborn baby... which, in Twilight-land, means he has marked her to be his future mate, making him a (shows a photo of Chris and Herbert from Family Guy with a wolf's head over Herbert's) pedo-wolf? I guess this part never bothered me too much because... nobody fully knows how imprinting works because they just made this shit up. I always thought he was just doing it to protect Bella's kid so the other wolves wouldn't kill her... or even some made up wolf bullshit sense could see the future and see that they would one day be a couple. I don't know, they made it up, and it doesn't make a whole lot of sense. So how am I supposed to get angry with it if I don't even understand it? That said, it is pretty weird to watch a kid grow and I guess be thinking "Yeah, I'm going to bang that someday", but then again, vampires in lore are usually hundreds of years old, and have most likely watched their future loved ones grow up, so I don't know if anything in this set up is really that new. I don't know, I just find it hard to believe that Stephanie Meyer, as bat-shit crazy as a writer she is, would be able to work in a pedophile wolf; it just doesn't seem likely. Whatever the reasoning is and whatever imprinting is, I'm sure it's stupid, and probably not the main reason to hate the movie.

NC (vo): But then we got the queen of mouth breathing herself, Bella. Bella is where many have the most ethical problems, and they should. She's awful. She never fights for herself, is overly dependent, is constantly throwing herself into peril just so her playgirl calendars can save her. Even at her goddamn wedding, she barely cracks a smile, look at that! (imitating Bella sounding bored) Oh, I'm getting married... sucks. (Normal) So, why does Bella come across as so awful, and more importantly, why do so many younger girls want to follow her? Because in reality, Bella is, and has always been, one thing: A blank slate. Meyer, whether she realizes it or not, is tapping into a lot of girls' and even women's fantasies which is to have all their troubles taken away by a handsome male, and yet still be troubled, so that the male can continue to look after her. That's why she's so dependent and that's why she never does anything. Because she's just a skin for female readers to put on, and enter into a fantasy world of love and excitement. (Covers of classic superhero comics) That's why superheroes for a long time were so bland and boring. If they had distinct personalities that were different from your own, you couldn't fantasize about being them. Now, many would argue that times have changed, and characters in pop culture have evolved to distinct personas and identities, even in genres that were considered less important several years earlier. And that's probably the biggest reason people hate Twilight. Because a character nowadays being too much of a blank slate, not doing anything now equals uncaring, selfish, lazy, too dependent on everyone, and avoiding responsibility when trouble is afoot. And, seeing how the biggest audience for this series is girls and younger women, many would say this is the worst role model that could ever be devised for an evolving world and on the one hand... yeah, that sounds exactly right. She is the worst role model for anyone; just a miserable, uninteresting, little pain in the ass burden, which the story is building up as the everyday hero; yeah, lick it. But, here's my thought on the character destroying the fabric of strength and morality. Think of all the things you grew up with; whether it be superheroes, (Drawing of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles) fantasy, comedy, (DVD cover of The Adventures of Teddy Ruxpin) romance. (Picture of Jem and the Holograms) Most of these things were not the best influences either. (Posters of GI Joe) Many of them relied on violence (Poster of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix) or resolutions that couldn't really happen in real life.

(Cuts to pictures from Saved by the Bell)

NC (vo): Saved By the Bell, for example, is about a high school boy (Zack Morris) who constantly causes trouble and yet still comes out cool and on top. And let's face it, at some point when we were growing up, we wanted to be like Zack Morris. (Pictures of high school kids are shown.) But when we got to high school, it wasn't everything the show promised, was it? But it's okay. You know why? We adapted. (Pictures of Batman and Barbie) We all wanted to be violent superheroes or glamorous movie stars, but we quickly discovered that reality had different plans and we woke up pretty quick to it. Why? One: we're adaptable. (Cut to pictures of kids) We learn and discover that our environment changes and thus, we have to make some changes, too. Two: We grow the fuck up! It's called being smart, and young people do it more often than you think. Not all the time (Jersey Shore), (Clip from The Simpsons is shown.) but remember when The Simpsons was said to be destroying the fabric of America? (Clip from one of Andrew Dice Clay's stand up shows.) Remember how Andrew Dice Clay was the most shocking person in media? Remember how everybody thought (Clip of "Vogue" by....) Madonna was gonna be the downfall of society? A lot of things we thought were going to kill us, we actually just evolved beyond. And now we look back and laugh at half the stuff we were afraid of. The early Simpsons aren't shocking, hell, if anything, they're just kind of awkward. Nobody talks about Andrew Dice fucking Clay anymore, in fact, where the hell even is that guy? And Madonna...well, okay, she still has to keep her clothes on, but for different reasons. My guess is, we'll look back on Twilight as the same way: it was stupid, even enjoyably stupid and at times, it probably did go too far. Watch this old vlog if you want more specifics on that. (Clip of Breaking Dawn Part 1 rant) But for every moron who's actually going to stay in the mindset that Twilight represents what life really is, dozens of others are evolving and moving on. So, is Twilight the worst thing ever? Well, the fact is it's not Twilight that we hate so much, it's everybody's reaction to it. The fact that society made it a hit, and we wonder what that says about us. It's weird and it's messed up, but it's not the first time we've liked unethical crap (Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, and The Bratz movie). So, it only proves that we shouldn't be paranoid about it either. Just accept the fact that chances are people will look back on it one day and laugh the same way we laugh at something like Saved by the Bell. It's stupid, and I'll continue to make fun of it, but in terms of the worst thing ever, oh ho ho, my friends. There is so much more evolution and de-evolution (The Smurfs 2) that I think our society has to show.

NC: I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it, so you don't have to.

(NC gets up and leaves)

(Credits roll)

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