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Is Twilight the WORST Thing Ever?
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Released
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February 12, 2013
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Running Time
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9:32
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Link
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(The shortened opening)
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Well, seeing how we are still in "The Month of Love"...
(NC turns his head to the right and smiles at the camera, while a logo of a heart with his face is shown in the corner, along with the title "Nostalgia Critic's Month of Love" as well as a harp glissando)
NC: I figure it's time to ask a cinematic question about love that seems to be plaguing a lot of people's minds. (Long beat) Is Twilight the worst thing ever?
(Clips from the Twilight movies are shown)
NC (vo): The books, the movies, the all-around phenomenon, nothing generates more brainless love or cynical hate than Twilight. But is it really worthy of as much cinematic disgust as it gets?
NC: (Suddenly becomes angry) OF COURSE IT IS! IT'S THE WORST CINEMATIC BURDEN, AND NO ONE SHOULD EVER HAVE TO... (Immediately calms down) What I'm getting at is...
NC (vo): People seem to regard this franchise about a drama-addicted twit torn between an emo-tastic vampire and an ice tray stomach werewolf as one of the worst in entertainment history, both cinematic and literary. And given the line-up of bad movies we've gotten over the years (Posters of Troll 2, Batman and Robin and Catwoman are shown), is Twilight, for lack of a better term, deserving of that title?
NC (vo): Well, let's get down to what people really hate about it. It mess with the classical lore, most famously vampires don't sparkle! People have made up their own rules about vampires before, but this one seems to be the most...not vampire. There's also plenty of plot holes and established story elements that never seem to truly add up, even with the silly additions they make to the supernatural rule book. And while these additions are phenominally stupid,.... I've seen Garbage Pail Kids, so what else have you got? The effects are terrible; again, Garbage Pail Kids. It's nothing, but female orientated smut!... Well, you're close: It sparked the authors of female orientated smut, but these two don't even hit the sheets, until part four... part one. And to it's credit, I do think the bed gave the best performance. It did not look happy to be a flat service for flat characters. This was actually a suicide; not too many people know that, but I digress.
NC (vo): The story is focused, albeit poorly, on the emotions of the characters. You know, when they actually decide to show emotions. Oh, don't get me wrong, it's horrible, but that doesn't make it smut until part four. And even then, the rewards are not very.... (Bella screams in pain) rewardy. So, that leaves us with one last major aspect that people seem to hate the most: The characters, and their complete fucked up ethics. The fact that these people are some of the stupidest and most selfish creations that any successful series has ever produced, and... yeah they are.
NC (vo): First, you got Edward, who has been around for more than a hundred years, and still mananged to not grow a personality; which makes figures because he falls in love with another personality stricken bland job, but we'll get to her in a bit. They share little to no chemistry, yet he constantly wants to throw himself at her feet. So much so, that even dollar store romance novels are telling him to grow a pair. He also lies to break up with her, yell at her, get in contrived cockfights, called a literal miracle of birth an evil abomination; but that's okay because.... woman like a bad bat.