And now it's time for "Bum Reviews" with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: "Iron Man 3."
OH MY GOD, this is the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life!
(covering mouth) I am Iron- Spoilers!
There's this guy called Tony Stark.
Also known as Iron Man!
Though I don't think he's ironed anything in his life.
And he owns a kabajillion dollars.
But gets really sad because somebody tries to take out his chubby bodyguard.
So Stark is like, "Why did they try to kill you, chubby bodyguard?"
"Probably because I wasted Mickey Rourke in 'Iron Man 2'."
So Tony Stark vows revenge!
"I'll show them!" he says. "I'm gonna tell them exactly where I live!" (pauses) Interesting strategy.
But his love interest, Mrs. Potts, is like, "Don't you think you should have thought this out more clearly?"
"What's gonna happen? Terrorists are gonna come to blow me up?"
"Terrorists have come to blow us up!"
"I should've thought this out more clearly." (Gets blown away by explosion)
So after the smartest person in the world makes probably the dumbest decision on the planet with absolutely no back-up plan at all...
...Seriously, who would do that?
Tony Stark finds a little kid!
"Hey mister, you all right?"
"Ooh, I'm having a panic attack!"
"Why are you having a panic attack?"
"Because I have a fear of losing Mrs. Potts and she is the world to me!"
"Oh, is that why you constantly blow her off?"
"And gave terrorists the address of where you both live?"
"Might not have been the brightest thing--"
"And didn't even greet her at the door, but instead had your robot double do it so you could get more work done?"
"It was kinda douchey, I'm not gonna lie--"
"And instead of protecting her now, you're going out to seek revenge; never, ever learning from your mistakes and constantly putting her in danger?"
"Have I mentioned I'm a superhero?"
"What do they call you, Panic Attack Man?"
"Hey, these panic attacks will work their way into the plot!"
"No, they won't."
"I think I hate you."
So Tony Stark is trying to find this terrorist played by evil Ghandi.
And evil Ghandi is like, (in British accent) "Well, actually, I'm not a terrorist. I'm actually an actor."
"Well, if you're not the bad guy, who is?"
"That one guy who started to have a career, and then he disappeared, and now he's trying to have a career again."
"Where is he now?"
"Kidnapping the girlfriend you swore to protect."
"I should've been played by Dudley Moore!"
So it turns out Guy Pierce is the guy behind all the evil badness.
And he's like, "I'm not really a terrorist - I just developed this new heat thingy that will grow limbs out."
And Potts is like, "Yeah, but people keep exploding."
"True, true, that is a design flaw, but we're just gonna tell people that those are the terrorist attacks so that our clients will still buy the evil hot thingy that grows limbs out!"
"So, you're sending out a defective, hazardous product before it's finished?"
"You're like the EA of terrorists!"
"Why, thank you."
So Iron Man gets all his other robotic Iron Men to come and help him out.
But Mrs. Potts starts to fall!
(falls backwards) "Ahhhhh!"
But Stark catches her!
"Oof! I told you I'd protect you!"
"Oh, thank God!"
"Except that my hand is slipping."
"Boy, you are bad at this, aren't you?"
"Hey, c'mon, I love you so much I had completely pointless panic attacks! I mean, give me some credit-- (He lets go of "her", causing her to scream) ...Boy, I am bad at this."
So Tony Stark goes up to Guy Pierce and is like, "Hello. My name is Tony Stark. You killed my girlfriend. Prepare to die."
"You don't look that angry. You more look kind of annoyed."
"Hey, I had totally pointless panic attacks for h--" (gets punched)
So it looks like Guy Pierce is beating the crap out of Tony Stark.
But then Mrs. Potts is like, (taps shoulder) "Hi, guy..." (punches)
And Stark is like, "Mrs. Potts, you survived?"
"Yeah, well, I'd kinda given up on the notion that you were gonna save me so I decided to save myself."
"Oh. Well, can you at least let me have the finishing blow?"
"No! You're an idiot and you never learn from your mistakes!" (Blows bad guy up)
"Wow! That was a very cool way to finish him off--"
"The movies are about me now!"
"We've shown I can wear the suit, I kick ass, I'm emotionally responsible, I make better choices, I'm a bajillion times a better role model than you..."
"But but but I'm the tech guy and an asshole."
"That's why you'll be my brainy sidekick!"
"What?! I have much more compelling story arcs than you!"
"Really? Name one thing you've learned in this movie!"
(faltering) "...I drive cool cars?"
"All hail Iron Woman!"
(simultaneously, while bowing) "Iron Woman..."
So, "Iron Man 3" was great, except for the fact that Iron Man is both the most brilliant and dumbest person in the world.
It's like me giving away my address to perfect strangers by saying it's the Lucky Charms box on 33rd Street!
(shifts eyes) Please don't do anything with that information.
This is Chester A. Bum saying... (Sounds of beating are heard) OH MY GOD, my box! I-- (holds up cup) CHANGE?! Ya got-- Oh, screw it! (Tosses cup and runs off) Hey, put that back together! I had the marshmellows properly furnished!
Hey, watch it! I know General Mills! (gets hit) Ow! Stop hitting me with the toy inside!