And now it's time for "Bum Reviews" with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: "Interstellar."
OH MY GOD, this is the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life!
Do not go gently into the-- Spoilers!
There's this guy who's in way too many Lincoln commercials.
Even though everybody's made fun of them and yet they still keep playing them. ...Seriously, why are you still playing them?!
And he's upset because the world is being consumed by a giant sand fart!
I was consumed by a giant sand fart once!
It was course, rough and irritating, and it gets everywhere.
But he has a daughter who thinks the house is haunted by "Paranormal Activity" ghosts.
And she's like, "Daddy! Daddy! I think the books and sand are falling in the form of Morse code!"
(long pause) "...You've been drinkin'?"
But Matthew McConaughey ends up believing her because he always plays his role like a constantly tipsy man!
(tipsy) "I am in the gullible part of being tipsy, so I will believe you."
"I think they're coordinates!"
"I thought they were coordinates even before you paid me to think they were coordinates."
So they drive to the coordinates in the middle of this top-secret place.
Which is so top-secret and claim nobody can find it that all they put up for security is a fence.
I mean, there's an alarm and guards and stuff, but really, it's still just a fence. (beat) A fence.
But it turns out this is where NASA is hiding.
And will soon regret letting this movie use their name seeing how much double-crossing and lying there is in it!
And it turns out they're looking for a new world that's not being consumed by a sand fart.
And Alfred is like, (as Michael Caine), "You're the only one who can fly our spaceship! Will you fly it for us?"
"Woah, I just stumbled across you. I mean, what are the chances I stumble across you, you need a pilot for your ship, and I'm the only one?"
"In a Christopher Nolan movie, very strong. So, are you in?"
"I'd like to, but I'm in the distracted part of being tipsy. (looks off-screen) Ah, I'm just gonna say all my lines lookin' off-screen because something out there catches my attention."
"I can't believe you won an Oscar." (facepalms)
"I think that's a Lincoln."
So he agrees to leave the world because some entity out there is sending us a wormhole to travel to new worlds.
And Catwoman is like, "As pilot of the ship, I expect you to ask questions about this mission that you should have asked months in advance but instead are just gonna ask right before we do the thing we're about to do!"
"Okay, but I'm suddenly in the intrigued part of my tipsiness, so I have to ask. Will there be a sassy robot?"
"That is the stupidest thing I have ever-- (looks off-screen) What? Yes, there will be a sassy robot."
"Can we call him Lincoln?"
So the robot is named TARS and he looks like a giant walking monolith from "2001."
Which is one of many sci-fi films this movie will constantly rip off.
And TARS is like, "I am an incredibly emotional and funny robot."
"But we're already emotional beings. Why did they give you emotion?"
"Because Christopher Nolan characters are so lifeless, they actually figured a robot would have more personality."
"Well, just tell me you're not gonna get overly emotional and make stupid decisions because of it."
"No, that's Anne Hathaway's job."
"That's right! Now, let me constantly be saved, endanger the mission and talk about how love is the key to everything."
"Love for a Lincoln."
So they go into the wormhole and they discover these three new worlds before them.
And oh heavenly majesty, oh creative of all creativity, what do these three worlds look like?
One's an ocean, one's all ice, and one's a desert.
By God, the imagination of science fiction knows no bounds!
But there is a downside. (beat) ...to a movie full of nothing but downsides.
They made a mistake and have been gone only a few hours, but that means 23 years on Earth!
And even in all that time, McConaughey's daughter has never forgiven him.
(as if on camera) "This is a video message for my dad telling you that I've still never forgiven you, because you selfishly ran off to save the world! ...What a JERK!"
But it turns out the daughter grows up to be a super genius, and she finds out something terrifying from Alfred.
Or at least it would be terrifying if we could understand what he was saying.
"Da erf is 'oomed."
"Da erf is 'oomed."
"You know what, I'll just wait for you to explain it so the audience can understand."
(as if on camera) "This is a video message saying that the Earth is doomed."
(off-camera) "Thank you!"
So the astronauts try to figure out which planet to go to next.
And Catwoman is like, "I think it should be the icy one because I fell in love with the astronaut that none of you have seen."
"Okay, we have got to tone down this emotional stuff."
"Why? Because you think I'm a woman and I feel too much?!"
"No, because I'm in the philosophical stage of my tipsy acting and now I'm starting to get all sorts of feels."
"Why don't we say emotional keywords that are great for the trailer?"
"Alright. Honor. Love. Forgiveness."
"Hope. Determination. Future."
So they go to the planet and they find that her kinda sorta not really boyfriend is not there.
But instead, it's another robot played by Matt Damon!
"We are Earth's only hope because philosophically we are the ones that have to survive." (continues speaking as Anne speaks)
"Um, I don't think that's a robot. I think that's just Nolan's writing."
"But it sounds so epic and important!"
"You're in the poetic part of your tipsy phase, aren't you?"
"I think so. I'm starting to buy that 'love connects us all' crap you said."
So as we get closer to the end, they decide to wrap up this incredibly gritty, this incredibly adult, this incredibly realistic sci-fi drama... with a fist-fight in space suits.
(fighting) "You know, this really doesn't seem appropriate without the 60s 'Star Trek' music."
(fighting) "You're right! (mimics music)"
But then they realize there's only one possible thing that can save them: Science mumbo-jumbo!
(Both characters speak mumbo-jumbo until Chester interrupts with) LINCOLLLNNN!
So McConaughey goes into the wormhole and it turns out he can communicate with his daughter inside her room.
So the daughter figures out a way for humanity to survive, and McConaughey gets out of the loophole just before she dies.
And she's like, "Don't worry about me. I'm just dying. Go save that Catwoman chick."
So he steals one of NASA's spaceships...which they probably would've just given to him anyway.
In fact, how the hell did he steal that? Is security really still just a fence?
And he goes to save Catwoman because I guess that's what this movie was all about.
Either that, or he's just going to pick up a Lincoln.
(drives by and waves) "Lincolllnnn..."
So "Interstellar" really challenged the ideas of space and time, in that it makes you sit in one space for a very, very long time.
For a while, I thought the movie theater was everybody's new home.
Which I really would have liked! C'mon, can't I renovate some of the popcorn boxes?
I already started laying out where the bathrooms should be!
And by laying out, I mean taking a sh--
This is Chester A. Bum saying CHANGE?! Ya got change?! Aw c'mon, help a guy out, will ya?! C'mon, change!
C'mon, maybe we can get "Inception" and "Interstellar" to combine! Incepstellar!