And now it's time for "Bum Reviews" with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull."
OH MY GOD, THIS IS THE GREATEST MOVIE I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!
There's this guy named Indiana Jones.
Who is named after his dog.
Which is pretty understandable.
I had a rat named Wyoming Smith once.
And he's abducted by this woman who kind of looks like a Russian dominatrix.
Not that I've been to many Russian dominatrixes.
And he's off to solve the mystery of the crystal skull.
He's always figuring out religious mysteries.
In the first one it's Judaism.
The second one is Hinduism.
The third one is Christianity.
And in this one it's aliens!
Which I guess would be scientology.
I was almost a scientologist once!
Except they said I was too down-to-earth for them.
So, Indiana Jones comes out, and he's like a bajillion years old!
How is it he keeps getting older?
Don't you remember the last movie, "The Last Crusade"?
Or the second-to-last Crusade?
That guy was like, "Drink this cup and it will give you eternal life! And the wrong cup will suck the life from you!"
I think he took the wrong cup!
Because something really sucked the life out of him!
I mean it. He looks really bad.
And the kid from "Transformers" is in it.
He's kind of like James Dean.
Except he has no balls.
I mean it, man, no balls.
There's this scene where he's fighting with a sword.
And, like, a million things hit his balls.
If something hit my balls, I think I'd have a reaction.
I'd be like, "Dude, that's my balls."
And the woman from the first movie is in it!
Except she's not, like, a bajillion years old.
She's like, uh, half a bajillion years old.
And they are out to fight the aliens.
What is it with Spielberg and aliens?
"War of the Worlds."
And now this.
I think Steven Spielberg is an alien!
What human being could possibly make "The Lost World"?
And the bad guys are kinda like Nazis.
Except they're Russian.
They're Russian Nazis!
I like to call them Russies.
So, Indiana Jones is running from the Russies.
And he gets out his whip to whip them.
Seriously, who carries around a whip?
I mean, aside from Russian dominatrixes.
And they get to the kingdom of the crystal skull.
Where they come across the aliens!
And the Russian dominatrix is like, "Tell me all your secrets."
And the alien is like, "Boo!" (Screams and falls to the floor)
And the pyramid turns into a giant flying saucer!
There's a flying saucer in an Indiana Jones movie!
It's about frigging time!
And the aliens are like, "Hmmmm!"
And the woman is like, "Ahhhhh!"
And the saucer is like (Makes spinning sounds)
And I was like, "You sure this isn't the kingdom of the crystal meth?"
'Cause when I'm on meth, this is the kinda stuff I see.
And Jones is like, "Where did they go?"
And the other guy is like, "The space between spaces."
And I'm like, "I think you're all on crystal meth."
And at the end, they play the famous Indiana Jones song!
Indiana Jones is here!
He's been around for like a million years!
But the best part of the movie is when the big rolling ball comes after him!
Wait, no, that's not this movie.
When he pulls the guy's heart out of his chest!
Wait, no, that's not this one either.
When's he's fighting on the big tank!
No, no, that's not it either.
I don't remember much about this one.
I just remember Indiana Jones, a Russian dominatrix, and aliens.
...I don't think I saw the movie!
I think I must've gotten high instead!
I mean, who would actually put all that stuff in a movie?
So, I guess my advice is watch Indiana Jones high, and you'll get a movie about aliens.
That should be on the poster!
"Indiana Jones: He Got So High, He Saw Aliens."
That's mostly what the scientologists do, anyway.
This is Chester A. Bum saying CHANGE?? Ya got change?! Aw c'mon, help a guy out, will ya?! C'mon, change!
C'mon, I'm seeing aliens in an Indiana Jones movie. That can't be good for me!