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'''NC (vo):''' ...and soldiers are straight-up creepers.
 
'''NC (vo):''' ...and soldiers are straight-up creepers.
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'''Lieut. Charlie Miller (Travis Tope):''' ''(to Jake)'' The pilot China sent is my future wife, and I mean it.
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''(NC stares, horrified, as a dramatic choir is heard. He takes out his cell phone and looks up something: it's the National Sex Offender website, describing Charlie in this movie as: "#2 Offender". It describes that he will make every pretty woman he sees his wife, whether they want to or not. It also states that he bites)''
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'''NC:''' ''(hushed)'' Why does that not make me feel better?
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'''Charlie:''' I think my heart exploded. It's like our souls were communing.
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'''NC:''' ''(as Charlie, grinning creepily)'' It's like those Disney movies, where they meet for the first time and get married.
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'''Offscreen voice:''' Well, that's a cartoon and this is real life...
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'''NC:''' ''(shouting)'' CARTOONS ARE REAL!!
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''(Again, the dramatic choir is heard as the camera zooms in on his grinning face, his left eye twitching)''
   
 
{{Stub}}
 
{{Stub}}

Revision as of 02:11, June 1, 2020

Independence Day: Resurgence

Independence day resurgence nc

Release Date
April 30, 2020
Running Time
24:35
Previous Review
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Link

(The Channel Awesome logo is shown, followed by the NC title sequence)

NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to.

(He smiles nervously and holds out his hands as the word "ALIENS" pops up, followed by "THIS MEME IS OLD AND TIRED". Then he holds up a release of Independence Day: Resurgence, while new text pops up: "BUT SO IS INDEPENDENCE DAY". Then we cut to the title for this movie, followed by footage of it and other movies by its director, Roland Emmerich)

NC (vo): Writer-director Roland Emmerich really likes to think outside the box, in that he's constantly pondering, "How do I get back inside the box?" The box, in this case, is proud but quirky people who don't think they're prone to survival, thrown into the biggest fight of their lives, where the environment around them is destroyed. It honestly doesn't matter what the disaster is: aliens, Godzilla, war...

(A shot of the title for 2012 is shown, followed by a clip of that movie)

NC (vo): ...even a year can somehow blow everything up.

(Footage focuses on Independence Day: Resurgence)

NC (vo): There's something particularly sad, though, about going back to your most successful of these repeated attempts after twenty years of doing the exact same thing, simply to do...the exact same thing. If you've seen my review of Independence Day, you know it's not a favorite of mine, but I understand why people like it. It was the first time this B-movie scenario of aliens blowing up the world was attempted with state-of-the-art CG effects, it had a lot of charming actors we recognized, and everyone knew it was stupid, but it was simple. Everybody could relate to the excitement of aliens arriving, people having different reactions, seeing them destroy everything we could imagine being destroyed, and the world putting aside their differences to fight back. On a surface level, I totally understand. So why would you think doing the same thing, minus half the original cast and no huge names replacing the rest, would you think we would find this exciting and new? While Independence Day: Resurgence made its money back globally, it bombed pretty hard domestically. So, why couldn't Emmerich recreate the same success after years of trying to recreate the same success? Well, we're gonna take a closer look.

NC: Let's see why this resurgence was anything but. This is... ID4 (pauses awkwardly) 2.

NC (vo): The film opens, clarifying that Thanos was kind of right, as wiping out half the population resulted in immediate world peace and utilizing the alien technology to grow a united utopia.

President Lanford (Sela Ward): For twenty years, the world has seen no armed conflict. Nations have put their petty differences aside.

NC: (as Lanford) And ironically, we have Twitter to thank for all that.

(A shot of a made-up Twitter account is shown, from someone named Outrage McGee, with a tweet reading: "STOP THE THINGS I DON'T LIKE!!!", followed by a reply tweet from "The World" reading, "Okay.")

NC: (as Lanford) Who knew?

Pres. Lanford: The fusion of human and alien technology...

NC (vo): I really love even twenty years later, they never gave these things a name. They're still just aliens!

NC: (as someone playing on his phone) Wow, your phone gets really good reception! (as someone else) Thank you. It's alien technology. (as the first person) Man, I disagree with their politics, but I can watch porn faster!

Lady X: (on phone) What can I say? Chicks dig chocolate.

NC (vo): We're introduced to Will Smith...'s son, Dylan, played by Jessie T. Usher, as well as a cameo from Will Smith himself. (...who is seen on a painting)

NC: (nodding and smiling) Hope you enjoyed that.

NC (vo): Man, that's bad when he accepts the scripts for (Posters of the following are superimposed...) Collateral Beauty and Suicide Squad over yours.

Dylan Hiller: (to Patricia Whitmore (Maika Monroe)) You're the one that's back in the White House.

Patricia: Yeah, as an employee, I don't quite get the same benefits as when I lived here.

NC (vo): It looks like he's heading up to a moon base, where a guy named Jake, played by Liam Hemsworth...

(Cut to a clip of The Avengers)

Thor (Chris Hemsworth): He's adopted?

(Cut back to ID4: Resurgence)

NC (vo): ...is also giving piss-poor exposition because these movies have always been written awful. They have always been written awful!

Dylan: (narrating) I was the youngest valedictorian in the history of the academy. (to Jake) There's worse things you can be doing than towing a half-trillion-dollar weapon.

Jake: You never served a day in your life.

NC: (as Jake) Hey, can I talk about stuff you already know about me? (as Dylan) Only if you talk about stuff you already know about me. (as Jake) We're so natural. This is natural.

NC (vo): It looks like something goes wrong, resulting in Jake's wide range of Phoebe screams...

(A montage of clips alternating between Jake screaming and Phoebe from Friends screaming is shown)

NC (vo): ...but he fixes the problem, despite it "not being protocol."

Commander Jiang Lao (Ng Chin Han): (to Jake) You almost got us all killed!

Jake: Ah, yeah. But then I saved everyone.

NC (vo; as Jake): And kept my hair great, despite wearing a baseball cap. Gravity is light up here. The moon is awesome! (normal) God, save us, William Fitchner! You always kick ass. Surely, you won't be flat like everyone else.

General Joshua T. Adams (William Fitchner): (to Jake) My wife and I were enjoying a very nice morning in a very expensive bed-and-breakfast.

NC: (horrified) Oh, no...

General Adams: After twenty years of being catatonic... Get me Director Levinson.

NC: You were the best Shredder without even being the Shredder. How are you doing this movie?!

(A convoy of cars is shown as NC makes a bored-sounding alarm sound. Then an image of Jeff Goldblum's head over an alarm is shown in the corner)

NC (vo): Oh, boy, my Goldblum alarm is going off. (David Levinson (Goldblum) is seen in one of the cars) There he is!

NC: Did I mention "alarm" was spelled like this? (The words "GOLDBLUM UH-LARM" pop up in yellow)

Floyd Rosenberg (Nicolas Wright): (to Levinson, as he sits in the car with him) I've been chasing you across the planet for three weeks now.

Levinson: Who are you again?

Driver: Floyd Rosenberg, government-appointed controller.

(Suddenly, NC's phone rings. He answers it)

NC: Hello?

(It's Tamara)

Tamara: Hello, it's Tamara Lynn Chambers.

NC: (confused) I know your full name, Tamara.

Tamara: As an actress of over six years on Nostalgia Critic, I felt it necessary to call you and tell you that.

NC: Why are you talking like this? Nobody talks like this.

Tamara: Says you.

NC: Says thousands of years of human interaction.

Tamara: As you know, I was born February 7, 19–

(Looking annoyed, NC abruptly hangs up. But then, he realizes something and quickly redials again)

Tamara: Hello?

NC: Does it mean I missed your birthday?

Tamara: Yes, it does.

NC: Happy birthday.

Tamara: Thank you.

(NC puts down his phone)

NC (vo): Goldblum comes across a woman named Catherine Wow*...

  • NOTE: Actually, her last name is Marceaux.

Levinson: Catherine! Wow!

NC (vo): ...and they're both called out to look at one of the ships that landed years ago, because the lights suddenly turned on and a mysterious symbol seems to be appearing everywhere.

Levinson: 'Course, you're aware that this is the only ship that landed in '96, and so I appreciate you finally granting us this access. Your father was very tenacious.

(Suddenly, NC's phone rings again, irritating him)

NC: God! (grabs it and holds it to his ear) What?

(It's Malcolm this time)

Malcolm: It's Malcolm X. Ray.

NC: (exasperated) I KNOW YOUR FULL NAME– (stops abruptly) Your middle initial's X?

Malcolm: As you're aware, you're doing a review of Independence Day 2.

NC: (exasperated again) WHY WOULDN'T I KNOW THAT?!?

Malcolm: So I appreciate you and your brother doing a review of it, as you are not fans of it.

NC: Do you and Tamara have the same dialogue coach?

Malcolm: Ah, Tamara, born February 7, 19–

(Again, NC hangs up before Malcolm can finish, only to again call Malcolm back as something comes to him)

Malcolm: Hello?

NC: Did you wish her a happy birthday?

Malcolm: 'Course I did. I'm not a douchebag.

(Irritably, NC hangs up again)

Levinson: We detected a burst in the Xband frequency, directed toward deep space.

NC (vo; as Levinson): I know this because I fix cable for a living. (normal) Back on the moon base, we see Jake is talking with his fiancee, Patricia, the lady we met earlier in the White House.

Jake: (online meeting with her) I'm gonna steal a tug and come back and see you right now.

Patricia: No, you won't, 'cause last time you did that, they added a month to your tour. Saw Dylan at the White House today. You nearly killed him, remember?

NC (vo): Jesus!

NC: (clutching at his temples in frustration) Is this a dating app?! Everyone has to say something about themselves and then they swipe?!

NC (vo): The reporters got it so bad, they ask questions that make them look like attention-hungry assholes! Actually, what am I talking about? That might be the most realistic thing in the movie.

Reporter: (to Dylan) Considering he died during a test flight, how do you feel taking off for the moon a hangar named after your father?

NC: (as Dylan) Well, thanks for reminding me my dad died. I totally forgot about that. I guess it feels pretty good. (looks offscreen) Yes?

Voice: Your father is dead! That is my question.

NC: Thank you.

NC (vo): Dylan arrives on the moon, where pilots, I guess, are like K-Pop stars...

(As one female Asian astronaut gets off the rocket, a crowd forms, holding up autograph books and photos of her. The words "AUTOGRAPHS? WTF?" appear in yellow during this)

NC (vo): ...and soldiers are straight-up creepers.

Lieut. Charlie Miller (Travis Tope): (to Jake) The pilot China sent is my future wife, and I mean it.

(NC stares, horrified, as a dramatic choir is heard. He takes out his cell phone and looks up something: it's the National Sex Offender website, describing Charlie in this movie as: "#2 Offender". It describes that he will make every pretty woman he sees his wife, whether they want to or not. It also states that he bites)

NC: (hushed) Why does that not make me feel better?

Charlie: I think my heart exploded. It's like our souls were communing.

NC: (as Charlie, grinning creepily) It's like those Disney movies, where they meet for the first time and get married.

Offscreen voice: Well, that's a cartoon and this is real life...

NC: (shouting) CARTOONS ARE REAL!!

(Again, the dramatic choir is heard as the camera zooms in on his grinning face, his left eye twitching)

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