Independence Day: Resurgence
April 29, 2020
(The Channel Awesome logo is shown, followed by the NC title sequence)
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to.
(He smiles nervously and holds out his hands as the word "ALIENS" pops up, followed by "THIS MEME IS OLD AND TIRED". Then he holds up a release of Independence Day: Resurgence, while new text pops up: "BUT SO IS INDEPENDENCE DAY". Then we cut to the title for this movie, followed by footage of it and other movies by its director, Roland Emmerich)
NC (vo): Writer-director Roland Emmerich really likes to think outside the box, in that he's constantly pondering, "How do I get back inside the box?" The box, in this case, is proud but quirky people who don't think they're prone to survival, thrown into the biggest fight of their lives, where the environment around them is destroyed. It honestly doesn't matter what the disaster is: aliens, Godzilla, war...
(A shot of the title for 2012 is shown, followed by a clip of that movie)
NC (vo): ...even a year can somehow blow everything up.
(Footage focuses on Independence Day: Resurgence)
NC (vo): There's something particularly sad, though, about going back to your most successful of these repeated attempts after 20 years of doing the exact same thing, simply to do...the exact same thing. If you've seen my review of Independence Day, you know it's not a favorite of mine, but I understand why people like it. It was the first time this B-movie scenario of aliens blowing up the world was attempted with state-of-the-art CG effects, it had a lot of charming actors we recognized, and everyone knew it was stupid, but it was simple. Everybody could relate to the excitement of aliens arriving, people having different reactions, seeing them destroy everything we could imagine being destroyed, and the world putting aside their differences to fight back. On a surface level, I totally understand. So why would you think doing the same thing, minus half the original cast and no huge names replacing the rest, would you think we would find this exciting and new? While Independence Day: Resurgence made its money back globally, it bombed pretty hard domestically. So, why couldn't Emmerich recreate the same success after years of trying to recreate the same success? Well, we're gonna take a closer look.
NC: Let's see why this resurgence was anything but. This is... ID4 (pauses awkwardly) 2.
NC (vo): The film opens, clarifying that Thanos was kind of right, as wiping out half the population resulted in immediate world peace and utilizing the alien technology to grow a united utopia.
President Lanford (Sela Ward): For 20 years, the world has seen no armed conflict. Nations have put their petty differences aside.
NC: (as Lanford) And ironically, we have Twitter to thank for all that.
(A shot of a made-up Twitter account is shown, from someone named Outrage McGee, with a tweet reading: "STOP THE THINGS I DON'T LIKE!!!", followed by a reply tweet from "The World" reading, "Okay.")
NC: (as Lanford) Who knew?
Pres. Lanford: The fusion of human and alien technology...
NC (vo): I really love even 20 years later, they never gave these things a name. They're still just aliens!
NC: (as someone playing on his phone) Wow, your phone gets really good reception! (as someone else) Thank you. It's alien technology. (as the first person) Man, I disagree with their politics, but I can watch porn faster!
Lady X: (on phone) What can I say? Chicks dig chocolate.
NC (vo): We're introduced to Will Smith...'s son, Dylan, played by Jessie T. Usher, as well as a cameo from Will Smith himself. (...who is seen on a painting)
NC: (nodding and smiling) Hope you enjoyed that.
NC (vo): Man, that's bad when he accepts the scripts for (Posters of the following are superimposed...) Collateral Beauty and Suicide Squad over yours.
Dylan Hiller: (to Patricia Whitmore (Maika Monroe)) You're the one that's back in the White House.
Patricia: Yeah, as an employee, I don't quite get the same benefits as when I lived here.
NC (vo): It looks like he's heading up to a moon base, where a guy named Jake, played by Liam Hemsworth...
(Cut to a clip of The Avengers)
Thor (Chris Hemsworth): He's adopted.
(Cut back to ID4: Resurgence)
NC (vo): ...is also giving piss-poor exposition because these movies have always been written awful. They have always been written awful!
Dylan: (narrating) I was the youngest valedictorian in the history of the academy. (to Jake) There's worse things you can be doing than towing a half-trillion-dollar weapon.
Jake: You never served a day in your life.
NC: (as Jake) Hey, can I talk about stuff you already know about me? (as Dylan) Only if you talk about stuff you already know about me. (as Jake) We're so natural. This is natural.
NC (vo): It looks like something goes wrong, resulting in Jake's wide range of Phoebe screams...
(A montage of clips alternating between Jake screaming and Phoebe from Friends screaming is shown)
NC (vo): ...but he fixes the problem, despite it "not being protocol."
Commander Jiang Lao (Ng Chin Han): (to Jake) You almost got us all killed!
Jake: Ah, yeah. But then I saved everyone.
NC (vo; as Jake): And kept my hair great, despite wearing a baseball cap. Gravity is light up here. The moon is awesome! (normal) God, save us, William Fitchner! You always kick ass. Surely, you won't be flat like everyone else.
General Joshua T. Adams (William Fitchner): (to Jake) My wife and I were enjoying a very nice morning in a very expensive bed-and-breakfast.
NC: (horrified) Oh, no...
General Adams: After 20 years of being catatonic... Get me Director Levinson.
NC: You were the best Shredder without even being the Shredder. How are you doing this movie?!
(A convoy of cars is shown as NC makes a bored-sounding alarm sound. Then an image of Jeff Goldblum's head over an alarm is shown in the corner)
NC (vo): Oh, boy, my Goldblum alarm is going off. (David Levinson (Goldblum) is seen in one of the cars) There he is!
NC: Did I mention "alarm" was spelled like this? (The words "GOLDBLUM UH-LARM" pop up in yellow)
Floyd Rosenberg (Nicolas Wright): (to Levinson, as he sits in the car with him) I've been chasing you across the planet for three weeks now.
Levinson: Who are you again?
Driver: Floyd Rosenberg, government-appointed controller.
(Suddenly, NC's phone rings. He answers it)
Tamara: Hello, it's Tamara Lynn Chambers.
NC: (confused) I know your full name, Tamara.
Tamara: As an actress of over six years on Nostalgia Critic, I felt it necessary to call you and tell you that.
NC: Why are you talking like this? Nobody talks like this.
Tamara: Says you.
NC: Says thousands of years of human interaction.
Tamara: As you know, I was born February 7, 19–
(Looking annoyed, NC abruptly hangs up. But then, he realizes something and quickly redials again)
NC: Does it mean I missed your birthday?
Tamara: Yes, it does.
NC: Happy birthday.
Tamara: Thank you.
(NC puts down his phone)
NC (vo): Goldblum comes across a woman named Catherine Wow*...
- NOTE: Actually, her last name is Marceaux.
Levinson: Catherine! Wow!
NC (vo): ...and they're both called out to look at one of the ships that landed years ago, because the lights suddenly turned on and a mysterious symbol seems to be appearing everywhere.
Levinson: 'Course, you're aware that this is the only ship that landed in '96, and so, I appreciate you finally granting us this access. Your father was very tenacious.
(Suddenly, NC's phone rings again, irritating him)
NC: God! (grabs it and holds it to his ear) What?
(It's Malcolm this time)
Malcolm: It's Malcolm X. Ray.
NC: (exasperated) I KNOW YOUR FULL NAME– (stops abruptly) Your middle initial's X?
Malcolm: As you're aware, you're doing a review of Independence Day 2.
NC: (exasperated again) WHY WOULDN'T I KNOW THAT?!?
Malcolm: So I appreciate you and your brother doing a review of it, as you are not fans of it.
NC: Do you and Tamara have the same dialogue coach?
Malcolm: Ah, Tamara, born February 7, 19–
(Again, NC hangs up before Malcolm can finish, only to again call Malcolm back as something comes to him)
NC: Did you wish her a happy birthday?
Malcolm: 'Course I did. I'm not a douchebag.
(Irritably, NC hangs up again)
Levinson: We detected a burst in the Xband frequency, directed toward deep space.
NC (vo; as Levinson): I know this because I fix cable for a living. (normal) Back on the moon base, we see Jake is talking with his fiancee, Patricia, the lady we met earlier in the White House.
Jake: (online meeting with her) I'm gonna steal a tug and come back and see you right now.
Patricia: No, you won't, 'cause last time you did that, they added a month to your tour. Saw Dylan at the White House today. You nearly killed him, remember?
NC (vo): Jesus!
NC: (clutching at his temples in frustration) Is this a dating app?! Everyone has to say something about themselves and then they swipe?!
NC (vo): The reporters got it so bad, they ask questions that make them look like attention-hungry assholes! Actually, what am I talking about? That might be the most realistic thing in the movie.
Reporter: (to Dylan) Considering he died during a test flight, how do you feel taking off for the moon a hangar named after your father?
NC: (as Dylan) Well, thanks for reminding me my dad died. I totally forgot about that. I guess it feels pretty good. (looks offscreen) Yes?
Voice: Your father is dead! That is my question.
NC: Thank you.
NC (vo): Dylan arrives on the moon, where pilots, I guess, are like K-Pop stars...
(As one female Asian astronaut gets off the rocket, a crowd forms, holding up autograph books and photos of her. The words "AUTOGRAPHS? WTF?" appear in yellow during this)
NC (vo): ...and soldiers are straight-up creepers.
Lieut. Charlie Miller (Travis Tope): (to Jake) The pilot China sent is my future wife, and I mean it.
(NC stares, horrified, as a dramatic choir is heard. He takes out his cell phone and looks up something: it's the National Sex Offender website, describing Charlie in this movie as: "#2 Offender". It describes that he will make every pretty woman he sees his wife, whether they want to or not. It also states that he bites)
NC: (hushed) Why does that not make me feel better?
Charlie: I think my heart exploded. It's like our souls were communing.
NC: (as Charlie, grinning creepily) It's like those Disney movies, where they meet for the first time and get married.
Offscreen voice: Well, that's a cartoon and this is real life...
NC: (shouting) CARTOONS ARE REAL!!
(Again, the dramatic choir is heard as the camera zooms in on his grinning face, his left eye twitching)
Jake: (seeing Dylan and sighs) He just walked in, didn't he? (Dylan stares)
NC: Wow! They're really trying to do...
(Cut to a shot of the following...)
NC (vo): ...Billboard's Top 20 Cliched Lines! Just throw in "What could go wrong?" and "Check, please", and we'll have the entire countdown.
Jake: (to Dylan) We both know what happens when you get in my way.
(Dylan answers that for him by decking him right in the face! Everyone gasps, started)
NC: Good to know the world can put their petty differences aside...
NC (vo): ...but A-Train and Zac Ef-yawn? They can indulge all they want. Just because on a small scale, people are petty, that doesn't at all mean it's like that on a big scale. (scoffs) You're stupid and stupid! But it looks like, also on the moon base is, they have Brackish, played again by Brent Spiner...
NC: Hey, I'd much rather have him back in this than (image of...) Picard.
NC (vo): ...who wakes up from a coma he's been in for 7,300 days. How do I know this?
NC: How else?!
NC (vo): He tells him this while he's in a coma!
Doctor: (to Brackish) You've been in a coma for 7,300 days.
NC (vo): By God! It's bad enough you have to tell people who are awake what they already know, but now you're telling people in a goddamn coma?!
NC: Is there any part of you that thinks that might sound weird?!
Doctor: You've been in a coma for 7,300 days.
(Suddenly, NC's phone goes off again. NC rolls his eyes and tries to shut it off, but it still rings. Irritably, he jams his finger on the "off" button before slamming it back down again. Then he hears Malcolm's voice calling out to him)
Malcolm: Critic! Can you believe it? (NC rolls his eyes and sighs) You've been sitting down doing this review for almost ten minutes!
NC: (yelling) I KNOW, MALCOLM!!
Malcolm: I was born July 5, 19–
NC: NO, I'M NOT DOING TWO LATE BIRTHDAY GREETINGS!
NC (vo): By the way, if you think it's odd they're keeping a comatose doctor on a moon base, that's because they're not. (The caption onscreen reads: "Marilyn Whitmore Hospital – Area 51 – Nevada") But the film is so lacking in visual variety...
NC: ...you didn't notice, did you?
NC (vo): If it wasn't for this caption, we would just assume this was still on the moon base.
(Cut briefly to the first movie)
NC (vo): Yeah, say what you want about the first film, but there was a variety of environments and color: the warm sunrises, the dark alien ships, the white desert, the neon laser blasts.
(Cut back to the second movie)
NC (vo): Here, it's shit-ugly blue, shit-ugly blue, even the desert's somehow shit-ugly blue! WHAT A WIDE VARIETY OF SHIT-UGLY BLUE!!
Doctor: (about the now-alive Brackish, calling out) Bring in the medical team, he's awake!
Brackish: (gasping) You got a bit fat. (The doctor looks down at himself)
NC: Look who's talking. How do you put on...
NC (vo): ...weight in a coma?
NC: (as an image of Hostess Ho-Ho's Cakes as a hospital IV is shown) What, was your IV Ho-Ho's?
NC (vo): Elsewhere back in the hospital– Oh, wait, we're back on the moon. Dammit! Jokey Expendable [meaning Charlie] tries putting the moves on a hot pilot.
Charlie: (to Rain Lao) Anyway, I was wondering if you wanted to get a drink, maybe fall in love?
(NC stares, utterly horrified, and we cut back to the National Sex Offender website, which showed Charlie in this movie as: "#2 Offender". To a ding, the 2 is changed to a 1. We then cut to the arrival of an alien ship on the base)
NC (vo): (relieved) Oh, thank God. Hopefully, some of you will die.
Pres. Lanford: (looking up to a screen) David, are you seeing this?
Levinson: (on the screen) Yes, Madam President. I'm looking right at it.
NC (vo): An alien ship arrives, confusing everybody, which...in this universe, doesn't seem that hard, as the world's leaders try to figure out what to do.
Russian president: We have to be decisive. I vote to attack.
French president: I also vote to strike.
NC: (as one of the presidents) I vote for...
NC (vo; as president): ...better green screen behind us!
NC: (normal) Seriously, how much did this movie cost?!
Levinson: I'm telling you this is not them!
Lanford: Take them out, Commander.
Levinson: This is a mistake!
NC (vo): Oh, what does he know? He just stopped the aliens in the past, saving humanity. Idiot!
(The moon base fires a laser at the alien ship and hits it, knocking it away, spinning out of control, leaving a trail of wrecked debris)
NC (vo): The ship is destroyed, but Goldblum suggests at least sending a recovery ship to scavenge the wreckage.
Lanford: Maybe you can lead a team up there, but after the celebration.
NC: (nodding) Yeah, that's how government works.
NC (vo): This time-sensitive revelation will have to wait so we can get shit-faced and party like there's no tomor– (An image of President Donald Trump partying and drinking with a bunch of women is superimposed) Eh, it's not that far-fetched.
(We then cut to former president, Thomas J. Whitmore (played again by Bill Pullman), who is in a hotel room, watching what just happened with awe)
NC (vo; as Whitmore): Wait, am I in this?
Whitmore: (to an aide) I have to talk to the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
NC (vo): Former president Whitmore, played again by Bill Pullman, has apparently been receiving mental messages of an oncoming threat. Oh, and a happy coincidence: his daughter [Patricia] happens to be engaged to the hero of the movie.
Whitmore: It wasn't them. It wasn't them! I have to tell the world!
NC (vo; as Whitmore): It's Dark Helmet. I know it is! His Schwartz is finally bigger than mine!
Whitmore: (to Patricia) You gave up flying to take care of me, and I know how much you loved it.
(Suddenly, a voice calls out to NC, who looks around in confusion, trying to see where the voice is coming from)
Voice: You gave up being a janitor to do reviews.
(NC then looks up to the ceiling. He spots where the voice was coming from: it's Tamara, inside the air vent, looking down at him through the grates)
Tamara: Just thought I'd remind you.
NC: (angrily) GET OUTTA HERE!!
(NC grabs a tennis ball and throws it up at the ceiling vent to hit Tamara. It hits the grate, but doesn't affect Tamara. Instead, the ball ricochets off the vent and comes down to hit NC in the face)
NC: OW!!! (clutches at his face in pain)
(A ship from the moon base lands on Earth and Jake emerges to meet up with Levinson)
NC (vo): It looks like Jake stole a ship from the moon base. Yeah, I wouldn't think space military have good security, either. And he flies the team from Central Africa to the wreckage. Upon arriving there, though, a much bigger ship starts making its way towards Earth. Don't know how NASA missed that one.
(As they take off in the ship, it slows down and starts to fall)
Jake: Oh, shit, I'm losing speed!
Levinson: Jesus, it has its own gravity!
Dr. Catherine Marceaux (Charlotte Gainsbourg): What does that mean?
NC: (as a poster for the movie Gravity appears in the corner) I collect Sandra Bullock movies. (becomes annoyed) What the hell else could it mean?
NC (vo): The ship quickly takes out the moon base, with only a few pilots escaping.
(As the moon base is destroyed, Lieut. Rain Lao watches in wide-eyed awe)
NC: (incredulously) She almost looked happy that place got blown up!
NC (vo; as Lao): Yeah, people died, but at least Amy was in there. I hated Amy; always copying my tops. (normal again) The ship plants itself like Earth's toupee, and instead of blowing them up, it sucks them up...which... (A shot of a similar scene in the original Independence Day is shown in the corner) ironically, movies ripping off Independence Day already did! But Jake's ship breaks free of the gravity just as everything is blown back to the ground.
(Cut to a clip of Spaceballs)
Colonel Sandurz: She's gone from suck to blow! (Dark Helmet and President Skroob recoil at this)
(Cut back again to ID4 2 as Levinson's crew watches buildings fall in shock and awe)
NC (vo; as Levinson): Oh, I know that guy falling to his death. Hi, Pat!
(The whole city is lifted into the air)
NC: And I won't lie... (pauses awkwardly) Some of these things look pretty cool.
NC (vo): I'm surprisingly amazed that this imagery I've seen a million times in Emmerich films actually does still impress a little bit. But not only do they still pale in comparison to the first one, but they also don't last very long, make very little sense... Shouldn't there be a lot more smoke and debris from that? ...and most importantly, you don't give a shit about anybody. Like, look, Will Smith's wife from the last film gets axed. No, that's a shame. She got an entire scene talking to her son. On the phone. (The text "13 Seconds" pops up in yellow) For thirteen seconds! Thirteen seconds, and we're supposed to be like, "NOOOO! She looked to the right so passionately! NOOO!" I felt more fucking emotion for (image of...) Boomer!
NC: Hey, speaking of which, (inhales sharply, then speaks melodramatically while pounding both fists on the table) WHAT ABOUT BOOMER?!?
(Then we cut to an image of Boomer the dog, along with text which is read offscreen...)
Offscreen voice: BOOMER... IS LIKE REALLY DEAD.
Offscreen voice: Yeah...
(Footage of Boomer in the earlier movie is shown, along with still more text that is read...)
Offscreen voice: It's been like* 20 years, dude. He's in doggie heaven.
- NOTE: The word "like" is not displayed on the screen.
NC: Is there another pet I can care more for than the human characters?
Offscreen voice: Um...
(A clip of ID4 2 is shown, displaying a small puppy)
Offscreen voice: There's this puppy named (words pop up...) Daisy.
NC: (melodramatically and pounding his fists on table) WHAT ABOUT DAI–
Offscreen voice: She's fine.
(NC throws up his arms and screams while throwing his arms around. As this happens, we go to a commercial break. After the break, the movie resumes on Brackish walking around in a hospital gown, with an emphasis on his exposed rear (which thankfully at least is covered in tighty-whiteys))
NC (vo): So, after getting a close-up of Spiner's ass (...which is censored by the head of someone laughing)...
NC: (nodding) You know what the people want, Emmerich.
NC (vo): ...Pullman sneaks into one of the captured alien cells, because security in this movie is...
(Cut to a clip of Star Wars, showing Obi-Wan Kenobi infiltrating the Death Star with ease)
NC (vo): ...as good as the Death Star...
Stormtrooper: What was that?
(Cut back to ID4 2, as an alien emerges and grabs Whitmore)
NC (vo): ...allowing the alien to use him to communicate.
Alien: She has arrived.
(Dr. Marceaux walks up, holding a laptop computer, which has an image on it of a circle with a line through one side. She holds it up to Whitmore and the alien)
Dr. Marceaux: What does this mean? What does this symbol mean?
NC: (as Whitmore) Oh, that's our equivalent of drawing dick-and-balls. (chuckles) You probably thought it was something really meaningful, didn't you? (chuckles again) Dumbasses.
NC (vo): The alien starts killing him, so they gun it down. Meanwhile, we see the only person who hasn't aged in this movie, as he always looked old... Judd Hirsch as Goldblum's father [Julius Levinson]. He's picked up by some bickering kids, but give them some credit.
(Cut to a shot of some girls being interviewed on this movie)
NC (vo): They...took this thing more seriously than others.
Girl 1: I think they're blowing it way out of proportion.
Girl 2: ...trying to get drunk before everything closes.
(She laughs, and a laser is fired at her, causing an explosion. Then we cut back to the movie, as Daisy the puppy awakens Julius from sleeping)
NC (vo): But they agree to help him out.
Girl: (to Julius) My parents are probably dead right now, and most of my friends...
Boy: (also to Julius) She's just upset because her boyfriend Kyle's with Shere Khan.
Julius: Why don't you pull over here? Let me drive, and you take a little break.
NC: Wow, the only characters in this movie I give a shit about so far. Please cut away...
NC (vo): ...so I learn nothing about them.
(We then cut to an alien ship being brought before Levinson and Dr. Marceaux)
NC (vo): Good, movie. You almost became engaging there. Back to bullshit.
Levinson: They're like a hive, and I think we just found their queen. Their...very big queen.
NC: (as Levinson) Yeah, we've stolen from ourselves enough...
NC (vo; as Levinson): (as a poster for Aliens appears off to the side) ...let's go back to stealing from other sources.
Levinson: I think they're after our molten core, which means...the end of life on this planet.
NC: God, he said that so many times in his career, he doesn't even try to put urgency in it anymore.
Levinson: The end of life on this planet.
NC (vo; as Levinson): Welcome to Independence World. (normal) They plan an attack on the big ship, because... (A clip of the attack from the earlier movie is shown in the corner) Yeah, it's about time for that scene. But the aliens obliterate them, because... (A clip of the aliens' counterattack from the earlier movie is shown in the corner) Yeah, it's about time for that scene.
(The aliens and Earth people do battle, but the aliens shoot most of their ships down)
Captain Dylan Hiller: (to Levinson) We just lost Bomber 9. And Bomber 13, sir.
NC: (gasps and clasps his hands over his cheeks; exaggeratedly) Not 9 and 13!
NC (vo): I just assumed tons of planes were being shot down in this scenario, but not 9 and 13! (An image is superimposed of NC at a beach with the numbers 9 and 13) Who will I go to the beach with?!
Hiller: (piloting his own plane) Follow my lead!
NC (vo): They get creamed so bad they fly inside the ship, but their engines are zapped and they all plummet. To make things worse, the aliens attack the base where the President and her Cabinet is, wiping them all out, putting General Not-Shredder in charge. (as Whitmore) Hey, remind me: am I Bill Pullman or Bill Paxton?
Levinson: Had twenty years (?)...and we never had a chance.
NC: But the President said they were just like the flu.
Whitmore: This planet has been unified in a way that's unprecedented.
NC (vo): Don't you love when one man's voice can be heard throughout an entire hangar of people?
Whitmore: We can't let them know. It wasn't luck last time. (The music rises in volume) It was our resolve.
NC (vo): Even the music's like...
NC: ..."Um, are we trying to recreate the first one? I'm gonna keep the volume really low just in case this totally doesn't work."
Whitmore: We all have to fight 'til our last breath, and that is gonna lead us to victory.
NC (vo; as Whitmore): Now get me a plane. (as Levinson) No. (as Whitmore) Then get me a coffee. An American coffee! (normal again) But some of the wreckage they pulled from the destroyed ship earlier, it turns out, was from another alien race trying to fight the queen. And of course, something survived the crash to tell them this.
Levinson: Why are you here?
Voice: I came to evacuate as many of you as possible. But you attacked me.
NC: (as Levinson) Look, we're a Roland Emmerich movie; communication isn't exactly our strong point.
NC (vo): They put together that the queen is going to come looking for the sphere, so they try to set up a trap when she arrives.
Levinson: (addressing the crowd) So the idea is to get her to follow this tug, (Brackish holds up what Levinson is talking about) the decoy transmitter, and once she's taken the bait, our cold-fusion bombs...
NC: Why is Goldblum suddenly talking like a game show host?
NC (vo; as Levinson, game show host voice): Our lovely assistants will show you a brand-new bomb that will destroy the queen in Cancun, Mexico! (The sound of applause is heard) Uh, Cancun, Mexico, everybody.
New President Adams: As you know, they took out all of our satellites...
(NC is about to lift up a basketball with the words "AS YOU KNOW JOKES" written on it, but changes his mind and puts it back down)
NC: It's not even worth mentioning anymore. (shakes head)
NC (vo): They need someone to fly the bomb in to blow up the queen, sacrificing themselves. (The camera focuses on Whitmore) You've seen the last movie. Can you guess who's gonna fly up who hasn't flown in years?
Patricia: (walking in) Let's get it done. I'll fly it in.
NC: (surprised) Oh! Okay, doing a spin on the idea. Okay, I give credit; you're actually smarter than I thought, movie.
Whitmore: (walking in) No, you won't.
NC (vo): There's the ass sauce I'm used to!
Patricia: What are you doing?
Whitmore: Patty, there are a lot of reasons why I'm the best choice for this.
NC: And a lot more reasons why you're not.
NC (vo): Meanwhile, the few survivors inside the ship have to distract the aliens in order to steal their planes, so Jake pees!
(As he does so, Jake gives the middle finger to the aliens)
Jake: Been holding that for a while.
NC: Yes, great strategy: literally have...
(Alien soldiers come at the survivors)
NC (vo): ...your dick out when that inevitable gunfire arrives!
NC: Unless your schlong looks like this. Not a great plan.
Charlie: (boarding one of the planes) Their technology hasn't changed at all!
NC (vo): Yeah, twenty years, and not one update! I can see why this is the universally-dominant species.
(The soldiers climb into the ship and take off, though they have difficulty flying it, as they have less success with attacking the aliens by shooting at them and more success by clumsily plowing into them. They then escape)
NC (vo): They get out of the ship as the new president makes a speech to the world before taking on the queen.
(The President's voice is heard on various radios all over the world)
NC (vo): No matter your nationality, color or creed, no matter our differences, we are one people.
NC: Yes, in a world where (makes "finger quotes") "petty differences" are set aside, we do...
NC (vo): ...constantly need to be reminded of that. This world's as Utopian as "Animal Farm"!
(As the queen's ship touches down, it unleashes fighters to attack while Earth soldiers try to shoot at them. Meanwhile, Julius Levinson drives through the desert on a school bus on his way to meet his son)
NC (vo): The queen's ship arrives, and it looks like Judd Hirsch upgraded to a bus. Yeah, it figures, on top of all this terrible, we'd somehow work school into this, too.
(Julius gets out of the bus and walks up to David)
Julius: What? We have to wait for the end of the world for us to get together?
David: (watching as the queen's ship comes in on a radar screen) I'm a little busy right now.
Julius: You and I, we're gonna have to talk!
David: (getting irate) I said not now!
NC: How, even at the end of the world, is he still...
NC (vo): ...a stereotypical Jewish dad? (as Julius) Oh, you don't have time for your father? What's the name of these aliens? I bet they all became doctors!
(Meanwhile, Whitmore flies his plane right into the queen's ship on a suicide mission. He spots the queen)
Whitmore: Happy Fourth of July!
NC (vo): Pullman flies into the center of the ship, which...
(A shot of a drone plane is shown)
NC (vo): ...given drone technology, wouldn't that have made more sense?
(Cut back to the movie, the queen's ship having been destroyed by a bomb Whitmore detonated, which also kills him)
NC (vo): ...and he sacrifices himself right in front of his daughter.
(The explosion of the ship startles everyone and they duck down. Patricia, flying a plane of her own, sheds a tear over the loss of her father)
NC (vo; as Patricia): Wait, you never told me where Mom's been sleeping the past twenty years.
David: (to the base) We've got 'em! (They all cheer)
NC: (nodding, sarcastically) Yeah, it's really over, guys. (holds up four fingers) Four-minute climax! Nothing to see here! (shakes head) Not one other surpri–
(He is interrupted, however, by the appearance of another queen, which had survived with an energy shield)
NC: (exaggeratedly) WHAAAAAA? Or, to quote Goldblum, "Uhhhhh?"
(In the school bus, the kids point the aforementioned dog from earlier, Daisy, staring up at the queen)
Kid: Come on, let's go!
David: We're gonna have to wait for the dog? I guess so.
(One girl grabs Daisy and runs back to the bus with her, while the words "DAISY WILL LIVE" appear on the screen. An offscreen voice says those words while an angelic choir is heard)
NC: (waving dismissively) Ah, it's not the same.
(The alien queen chases after the fleeing bus firing lasers at it every chance it gets, but misses badly)
NC (vo): Yeah, the giant queen of an advanced alien race can't catch up to the top speed of a middle school bus. Even the aliens from (A shot of an alien from the following movie is superimposed...) Signs are waiting for the Weird Al song about you.
(Patricia, flying her own plane, lets out a scream as she flies right at the queen and fires lasers at it, eliminating its shield, but not before it shears off one of her wings, sending her crashing to the ground. She manages to eject, however. Once on the ground, the queen continues to go after Patricia)
NC (vo): Patricia penetrates the queen's shield, but she knocks her down and...continues to chase after her. What a salty queen! Clearly, she hasn't learned to put her petty differences behind her like we have.
(Meanwhile, Brackish sees the doctor who take care of him is dying)
NC (vo): In one of the film's...stranger scenes... I guess that's saying quite a bit right now. ...Brackish's doctor friend dies and...it's played less like a dramatic moment and more like a Seth Rogen comedy.
Brackish: Who's gonna water for you, Perkins?
Doctor: I gotta tell you...
Doctor: This... (pulls Brackish's coat apart slightly, revealing...) It was supposed to be a sweater.
(Then Brackish sees alien soldiers coming and, with a yell, fires at them)
NC: I felt more emotion when Kenny died on South Park. (A select bunch of images of Kenny's many deaths on that show is displayed) It doesn't matter which one!
NC (vo): Everyone bands together to take out the Cloverfield monster, and it looks like she's finally weakening.
Dylan: (piloting his plane at the queen) GET READY FOR A CLOSE ENCOUNTER, BITCH!
NC (vo): Yay! It's like the thing his father says, only empty and sad!
(The queen's heads explodes and splits open)
NC (vo): They bust her open like a Cadbury egg, only somehow not as gross...
(As he says this, a shot of a Cadbury commercial is shown, with the chocolate being split open and the real insides, not the white-and-yellow of the ad but a gross-looking brown, are shown)
NC (vo): ...and the planet is saved. (as Levinson) "Ah, wait, ooh, ah." (normal) Oh, and of course, when the queen dies, the ship just leaves.
(As Jake and Patricia embrace, Charlie and fellow soldier Rain Lao (Angelababy) watch)
Charlie: Maybe we should...try that.
Rain Lao: Dinner first.
NC: (holds up index finger) Uh, hold up. You may want to hear what he said about you first...
(He takes out his cell phone and pushes a button on it)
Charlie's voice on phone: The pilot China sent is my future wife, and I mean it.
Female voice on phone (presumably Rain Lao): OH, MY GOD, GET AWAY FROM ME!!
NC: (nods) Yeah, that sounds right.
NC (vo): But get this: they tracked where the ship is going, and they're now able to follow them. You know what that means...
Charlie: Take the fight to them.
Jake: When do we leave?
Brackish: We're gonna kick some serious alien ass!
(On that note, the screen goes black, ending the movie)
NC: Oh-ho-ho-ho, yeah! I can't wait for that! Seeing how your American box office went something like this...
(A clip of the earlier Independence Day is shown, showing an alien ship obliterating the White House with a laser blast)
NC: ...I find that unlikely.
(Footage of ID4 2 is shown one last time as NC gives his closing thoughts)
NC (vo): It's not surprising why this film didn't catch on: it's dull, it's forgettable, it's ugly, it's not really fun, and it's just the same shit this director does over and over and over. Why don't you try some different films, like some low-budget dramas...
(He is interrupted, however, as a shot of the page on Stonewall on Rotten Tomatoes shows that that film didn't do well either, as evidenced by its low critical and audience scores)
NC (vo): Oh...I guess you're stuck blowing shit up. This is such an unnecessary film that had neither the cornball energy or silly excitement of the first. And like I said, I didn't really get into that one, but I guess I do have a bit more of an appreciation for it after seeing this. If you really want to see the old Independence Day gang again, just watch the Independence Day gang again. Because this is an alien turd that deserves to be forgotten about.
NC: I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it– (He is interrupted by his cell phone ringing and he answers it) Hello?
(It's Malcolm again)
Malcolm: As you probably know, the movie is over. Remember that time you watched Independence Day: Resurgence?
(Irritably, NC hangs up, only for it to go off again)
Tamara: Malcolm tell you the movie's over?
(Angrily, NC throws his cell phone at the camera. With a crash, the screen goes black)
Channel Awesome tagline – Levinson: We're gonna have to wait for the dog? I guess so.
(The credits roll)