July 06, 2010
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Happy Independence Day, everybody! Let's celebrate by reviewing Independence...
Independence Day film title appears
NC: DAAAAAAH! God, I hate this movie. I hate it so much; and yet, I always find out that I'm part of a small minority on this.
Footage of Independence Day
NC (voiceover): I mean, granted, it was a critical flop, and when this movie first came out, I was excited to see shit blow up. But after you get past the explosions, there is nothing creative or original about this movie. It's just human stereotypes trying to fight off alien stereotypes; nothing more.
NC: But so many people keep telling me, "Oh, it's a popcorn movie! Can't you just have fun?" Well, let me tell you something; a water slide is fun. (An image of an outdoor waterslide is shown) All the slipping and sliding, it's just great. But if someone took you off the waterslide, shook you, gave you a noogie and then spat in your face and put you back on the water slide, you'd be like... "That wasn't fun; that was weird and annoying." And THAT'S this movie! So, let's celebrate Independence Day with... Independence Day.
Footage from Independence Day Opening Sequence: Apollo 11 Moon Landing Site
NC (vo): So we start off with a bright flash, as we see something hovering over the moon.
Footage of Alien craft heading towards Earth
NC (vo): Boy, this is like the opening shot from that other sci-fi movie. What was it called again? Oh, yeah, Suburban Commando.
Bright Flash appears, Indicating a Scene Cut, to an Antenna Array
NC (vo): Another bright flash appears as we cut to the Extraterrestrial Intelligence Institute, who are just NOW noticing that the spaceship is approaching Earth. I guess it was just hiding behind the moon the whole time.
Bright Flash appears, cutting to the Iwo Jima Memorial in Washington, D.C.
NC (vo): Cut to another stinkin' flash as we're suddenly in Washington, where we see our president, played by Bill Pullman...
Dark Helmet (from Spaceballs): LONE STAR!
NC (vo): ... who is not happy about his slipping polls.
Woman on TV: That's the problem; they elected a warrior, and they got a wimp.
NC: Ah, it's the Obama Administration. (guitar riff plays, as Critic holds up his arm) But ya know, ya know.
President Whitmore (Pullman): [picks up phone] Yes? Could... you say that again?
NC (vo): Cut to a...
Bright Flash appears, cutting to scenes of New York City, such as the Statue of Liberty and the cityscape
NC (vo): GODDAMNIT, would you knock it off with those bright flashes? Your movie isn't a fucking magic show!
NC: Watch, everybody, as I magically switch locations!
NC thrusts hand towards viewer. Bright Flash Appears, and NC is now in front of a closet door
NC (vo): Here we see two people playing chess, and...yeah, there's really no point in prolonging this anymore.
NC: Cast, step forward and state your stereotype:
NC proceeds to imitate the voices of the actors in the following order to the tune of silent movie era music
Judd Hirsch: I'm Judd Hirsch; I'm the Jewish stereotype.*
- (He says Judge Hirsch instead. Note: He makes this error known in his Top 11 Next F*ck Ups list)
Robert Loggia: I'm Robert Loggia; I'm the gruff, military stereotype.
Randy Quaid: I'm Randy Quaid, and I'm the Redneck stereotype.
Brent Spiner: I'm Brent Spiner, and I'm the geeky stereotype.
Harvey Fierstein: I'm that-guy-from-Mrs. Doubtfire, and I'm the gay stereotype!
Harry Connick Jr.: I'm Harry Connick Jr, and I'm the annoying-best-friend stereotype.
Jeff Goldblum: I am Jeff Goldblum, and I am in-of-myself, uh, a stereotype.
NC returns to his normal voice now
NC (vo): So with a cast like that, how CAN'T an alien race be tempted to wipe out all that Earth has to offer, as they send out their giant, mechanical sand-dollars to cover the globe.
We see the alien ships slowly touch down on Earth. Bright Flash appears, cutting to progressively closer shots of the White House
NC (vo): I swear to God, if I see another flash, I'm gonna shove this movie up Roland Emmerich's dickhole!
Whitmore: I don't wanna add to a public hysteria that's gonna cost lives.
General William Grey (Loggia): And what happens if they do become hostile?
Whitmore prepares to say the next sentence. NC pulls an unseen lever off to his left much like a slot machine, starting up the Random Cliche Generator. The phrases "Then God help us", "Tomorrow will never come.", "Hell will rise.", "Let's just pray that never happens." and "Heaven have mercy on our souls" as the NC watches.
NC: Okay, big cliche, big cliche, come on, come on, come on! Big cliche, big cliche, come on, come on, come ooooooon!!!
The Random Cliche Generator stops on a phrase, just as Whitmore says...
Whitmore: Then God help us.
NC proceeds to celebrate his incredible luck.
Cut to a man named Russell Casse, played by Quaid, sitting at a bar.
NC (vo): So we cut to Randy Quaid, who's a drunk, redneck pilot who actually claims to have been abducted by aliens before.
Man Sitting With Russell: Russ... when they took you up in their spaceship, did they do any... sexual things? Do you recall, do you recollect?
NC: (imitating Russell) I don't need this; if I wanted to be laughed at, I'd go back to Hollywood.
Various utensils and silverware begin to shake violently in the diner, silencing everyone.
NC (vo): So the aliens arrive, and place themselves conveniently over America's most famous monuments. But that doesn't stop our other main character, Will Smith, getting jiggy with it on his girlfriend, Vivica A. Fox.
Steven Hiller (Smith): Whatchu been doin out there?
Steven's Son: Shooting da aliens.
Steven: Oh, you shooting aliens, right? Oh, you think you tough, huh?
NC: Must resist "Men in Black" joke. Must resist "Men in Black" joke!
As NC speaks, we see more footage of Will Smith's character, Steven Hiller.
NC (vo): And I have to admit, this is the only character who doesn't suck. Not because of the writing or anything, but because it's fucking Will Smith; the King of Cool, he can make anything sound awesome. He's, like, the most charming man alive!
NC: I don't even know what it is, there's just something about...him...
He stops talking and stares lovingly at more footage of Steven, whilst the corny music from the Full House review plays. This goes on for a few seconds.
NC: (slaps self) BOOBS, YOU LIKE BOOBS!
NC (vo): But seriously, he can make anything sound good. Look at this very basic scene and listen to how he makes it so cool.
Jasmine (Fox): Uh-uh, come on, now, you can't go, you got to call them back!
Steven: I'm not gonna do this with you, Jasmine.
Jasmine: But you said you was on leave for the 4th!
Steven: Look, why are you actin' like this?
Jasmine: Why? (opens curtains and points outside) That's why.
Bimbettes (from Beauty and the Beast): What's wrong with her? She's crazy! He's gorgeous...
Steven: I really don't think they flew 90 billion light-years to come down here and start a fight.
NC (vo): Look at this bit. The line is, "You're not as charming as you think you are", and Will Smith just says, "Yes, I am". What a terrible line! Who the hell would write that? But when you listen to him say it...
Jasmine: But you're not as charming as you think you are, sir.
Steven: Yes, I am.
A trio of girls from the "Legend of Sleepy Hollow" segment of Disney's "Ichabod and Mr. Toad" sigh and faint.
NC (vo): But more important things are going on, like how our government, with all their scientific technology, discovers that the alien ships are using our own satellites against us, sending out a signal that will eventually run out and probably mean an attack. Oh, wait... no, sorry, this was figured out by one cable repairman whose job is to make sure that your HBO is coming in clear.
NC: (sarcastically) FBI, TV maintenance, they're both pretty similar.
David Levinson (Goldblum): It's like in chess. First, you strategically position the pieces, and then, when the timing's right, you...strike. They're positioning themselves all over the world and in approximately 6 hours, the signal's gonna disappear and the countdown's gonna be over.
Marty Gilbert (Fierstein): And then what?
David pauses for a second.
NC (vo): Good Lord, Jeff Goldblum can make just about anything overdramatic, can't he? Even in a scene that is overdramatic, he makes it even more overdramatic. How is it Jeff Goldblum can turn anything into a melodrama?
NC: (imitating Jeff Goldblum) Ah, yes, I would like to, uh, return this taco, uh, to you, because there was, (stuttering) no sauce on it, and as we all know, when there is no sauce on the taco, you'll realize that, it is not spicy and, (more stuttering) b-but if it is not spicy, well, then you all know that means, uh, uh, uh, uh- (camera zooms in on his face) Checkmate. (dramatic music sting)
Marty: Oh, my God! I gotta call my brother. I'd better call my housekeeper, I gotta call my lawyer! Nah, forget my lawyer.
NC (vo): (mocking Fierstein) I gotta call Disney and let them know I won't be able to do Mulan 5!
NC (vo): (normal) So Jeff Goldblum and his father head to the White House to try and warn them.
Julius Levinson (Hirsch): So tell me something, how you're so smart, how come you spend 8 years in MIT to become a cable repairman?
David: Dad, look, it doesn't...
Julius: All I'm saying is that they've got people to handle these things, Dave.
(Goldblum and Hirsch prepare to argue about the flow of traffic and the way Hirsch's character is driving)
Julius: Look at this, look at these people, vultures, they take and then they go.
David: They're going, they're going faster then we are, look at this, you're in the fast lane.
Julius: I can't go faster, they're cutting me off here.
David: No one's cutting you off, you're gonna get a ticket.
Julius: They’re getting in front of me. I can’t go any faster.
NC: (mocks their arguing) I can out-Jew you. I can out-Jew you! I can out-Jew you. I can out-Jew you! I can out-Jew you. No, I can out-Jew you!
NC (voiceover): So Randy Quaid tries his best to get his family away from the aliens. We got a son who’s ashamed of his father, his daughter who’s a complete slut, and a third one who’s…the third one. But enough of that. We see Will Smith and his friend, Harry Connick, Jr., as it seems Will has been turned down again to join NASA.
Jimmy Wilder (Connick, Jr.): Man, you know I really like Jasmine. You know that, right? Now, you never gonna get to fly the space shuttle if you marry a stripper.
Cut to Jasmine doing her job as a stripper.
NC (voiceover): That’s right, his fiancé’s a stripper, and because of that, I guess NASA doesn’t think he’ll be mentally sound. You know, because the space program has produced some real examples of mental health in the past few years, haven’t they? (A mugshot of a drugged-up Lisa Nowak is shown briefly) So Goldblum and his father finally get to the White House.
(David and Julius drive through the protesting crowd at the front of the White House)
NC (voiceover): (as David) Aw, goddamn Tea Partyers.
NC (voiceover): (normal) But it’s okay. They have a way inside. How? Well, it turns out Goldblum HAPPENS to have an ex-wife who works for the White House. Isn’t that a happy little coincidence?
Julius: I would never believe in my lifetime that I would be in the White House. Look at this. If I knew I was going to meet the President, I would have worn a tie. I mean, look at me. I look like a schlemiel.
NC: (mocks Julius) Schlemiel, goyim, bar mitzvah, did I mention I’m Jewish?!
NC (voiceover): So he (David) convinces the President that they have less than a half hour until Booms-ville. So they get the President out as one helicopter tries to make contact with the ship.
Pilot #1: Welcome Wagon has commenced.
(The alien ship opens up a little to reveal a green light coming out of it)
Governor Tarkin (from “Star Wars”): You may fire when ready.
(The aliens inside the ship fire at the helicopter, destroying it)
NC (voiceover): Meanwhile, the President’s wife, who's at another location, is told to evacuate as well.
Anchorman (on TV): And our prayers go out to the wives and children of those brave pilots. Indeed, God help us all.
NC (voiceover): Really? The newscaster just said “God help us all”? Isn’t that the equivalent of saying…
NC: (holds up sheets of paper pretending to be a newscaster) “A hurricane was spotted on the Eastern Coast." PANIC! (He spins around in his chair and continues shouting) PANIC! PANIC! WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!” (He collapses face first on his desk)
NC (voiceover): So the ships finally start to open up as Goldblum sees the clock has ticked its last seconds.
(The timer on David’s computer has reached zero)
David: Time’s up.
(Cut to an animated scene of the alien from “Alien,” Darth Vader, Marvin the Martian and Alf sitting together playing cards)
Alf (voiced by NC): Oh, hey, uh, push that button over there, would you?
Alien (voiced by NC): Oh, oh, yeah. (He pushes a button on a command center) Hmm.
(Back to the movie, the ship in Los Angeles destroys the U.S. Bank Tower)
NC (voiceover): So the Earth is on fire as Will Smith’s fiancé rushes for cover.
(Jasmine runs from the incoming fireball in a freeway tunnel while carrying her son and finds a workman’s shed, kicking it down to hide in)
NC (voiceover): Yeah, hide there! The explosion will never get to look for you there.
Jasmine: (calls out) Boomer!
NC: (sarcastically) Yes, what about Boomer?!
NC (voiceover): Dude, lady, you have a kid with you. Fuck the dog and just close the damn door!
(Boomer hops across several cars and makes it into the shed in the nick of time)
NC (voiceover): Luckily, the explosion’s too polite to enter through an open door, so I guess they’ll be safe after all.
(The film cuts to black with a caption saying "July 3")
NC (voiceover): So July 3rd hits as we look over the aftermath the aliens have left behind.
(Fade in on the destruction of New York City, which includes the Statue of Liberty lying face first on the water’s surface)
George Taylor (from 1968’s “Planet of the Apes”): (audio) You maniacs! You blew it up!
(Cut to the interior of President Whitmore’s plane as he and Constance Spano (David's ex-wife) converse)
President Whitmore: That’s the advantage of being a fighter pilot. In the Gulf War, we knew what we had to do.
NC (voiceover): Aw, hey, look on the bright side. It could have been an oil spill. So Vivica and her kid are shocked to find that “Duck and Cover” shit really works, as they grab a truck and start looking for survivors.
NC: Yeah, but…did Boomer make it OK?
Announcer: (speaks the following accompanying text, which is placed below Boomer and heavenly music plays in the background) Boomer will live.
(NC squeals for joy as he holds his arms up high)
NC (voiceover): Meanwhile, Will Smith and the rest of the fighter pilots head out to kick some alien ass.
Jimmy: Let’s bring that bad boy home, Captain!
Steven: You loose?
Jimmy: Yes, sir.
Steven: You got your victory dance?
Jimmy: (pulls out a cigar) Well, I got it right heeere, yeah!
NC (voiceover): Oh, wow. You are so dead.
(Cut to Steven and Jimmy conversing while flying their respective jets)
Jimmy: As the good reverend would say…(imitates Jesse Jackson) “Why we’re on this particular mission, we’ll never know. (NC pretends to be emotionally moved and shakes his head lightly with a smile) But I do know, here today, that the Black Knights will emerge victorious once again.”
Pilot #2: Amen, man.
Steven: Amen, Reverend.
NC (voiceover): (as Jimmy) Hey, you know what else I love? Living. I love living. I hope to do a lot of living while I’m still alive. I’m just so lively! Wouldn’t it be a great tragic irony if I was to NOT be living? Wouldn’t that be the most dramatic contrast that only a B-movie that somehow got a bajillion dollar budget would put together? God, I love being alive! Alive!
Steven: Lock and load!
(Steven and the other pilots start firing at the ship)
NC (voiceover): But unfortunately, the ship has some sort of refreshing mint shield as the alien pilots come out to kill the fighters.
Jimmy: I got you covered, Big Daddy. (He fires at an alien pilot, yet it also has the same protective green shield) Damn, they got shields, too!
Steven: Let’s get low, let’s get fast.
Jimmy: I got you, Big Daddy. Let's get them.
Peppy Hare (from the “Star Fox” video game): Do a barrel roll!
NC (voiceover): Oh, and here’s a big shocker—(speaks quickly) are you ready for this? This is like a big shocker, holy smokes, you’re not gonna believe this, I mean, it’s just incredible, are you ready? Are you ready? Sit down, it’s really incredible, are you ready?—the best friend dies!
(Jimmy’s plane is hit, killing him)
Steven: JIMMY, NOOOO!
Stan (from “South Park”): (dubbed by NC) Oh, my God, they killed Jimmy!
Kyle (from “South Park”): (dubbed by NC) You bastards!
NC (voiceover): So one of the alien pilots chases Will Smith through the desert, where they perform some stunts that quite frankly would be too silly for the “Hot Shots” movies to pull off.
(Steven flies through a very narrow crevice (to which the alien pilot does successfully); the alien pilot fires but misses and hits a canyon structure, making it topple to the side)
Steven: Whoa, low bridge! (He flies under the falling canyon structure)
(Intercut with a Looney Tunes clip of Wile. E. Coyote pulling out a tiny umbrella as a canyon boulder falls on him)
Steven: See if you can fly that thing undercover.
(He pulls on an emergency lever to launch himself out of the jet; the parachute flying out of the jet covers the windows on the alien pilot’s spacecraft)
NC: (as the alien pilot) Ahhh! A sheet! A sheet!
NC (voiceover): (still as the alien pilot) All my advanced scientific technology, and I’m defeated by a SHEEEEET!
(The alien pilot’s spacecraft lands in the desert; after landing to safety, Steven opens up the jet door to look inside; the alien pops out)
NC (voiceover): (as the alien pilot in a deep voice) All of your base are belong to us. (Steven punches the alien) Ow.
Steven: Welcome to Earth. (Getting comfortable, he pulls out the casing of a cigar that he had placed in his mouth) Now that’s what I call a close encounter.
(The music for the end credits to “Fresh Prince of Bel-Air” plays in the background as the credits “Co-Producers Benny Medina and Jeff Pollack” are shown briefly; fade to black before returning to the movie)
NC (voiceover): But meanwhile, the President and his men try to figure out what they’re going to do next.
Julius: It was, what, in the 19-what-50s, whatever, you, you had that, uh, spaceship?
NC: Oh, God, you’re not…
Julius: Roswell! Roswell, New Mexico! Yeah! No, you had the spaceship and you had the bodies!
NC: You’re not really going that direction, are you?
Julius: Area 51, right? Area 51!
President Whitmore: Regardless of what you may have read in the tabloids, there have never been any spacecraft recovered by our government.
NC: (exhales) Oh, good! You know, for a second, I really thought you’d be stupid enough to—
Secretary Nimziki: That’s not entirely accurate.
NC: (beat) You know, I’ll believe it when I see—
(The scene immediately shows an alien fighter craft underground at Area 51)
NC (voiceover): D’OOH, I DON’T BELIEVE IT! You’re actually saying that Area 51 really was an alien and that you never brought it to anyone’s attention while the ships were landing?
NC: (sits back in his chair while an “Independence Day” movie poster moves along the bottom of the screen from camera right) Stand back! He’s gonna go for it! He’s gonna go for it! He’s gonna go for it! He’s gonna go for it! (The poster goes over a picture of the shark from “Jaws”) Oooh, he jumped the shark!
NC (voiceover): So we see Brent Spiner—also known as Data from “Star Trek”—as the head scientist.
Dr. Brackish Okun (Spiner): Since these guys started showing up, all the little gizmos inside turned on. (He laughs)
NC (voiceover): Actually, I’m confused. (He puts up a photo of Lieutenant Data and pairs it up with Okun for a brief comparison) Which of these two characters wasn’t human again? Oh, well, who cares? We have more implausible meet-ups to combine! Oh, let’s see, what should we do here? I know! Let’s see Vivica A. Fox coincidentally runs into the First Lady, and Will Smith coincidentally runs into Randy Quaid, who coincidentally runs into the secret base, which coincidentally has the President in it.
NC: Well, that’s all fine and good, but…(grows concerned) did Boomer make it out OK?
Announcer: (speaks the following accompanying text, which is placed below Boomer and heavenly music plays in the background) Boomer will live.
(NC squeals for joy as he holds his arms up high)
NC (voiceover): So they decide to perform an operation on the alien to see what’s inside. (Long pause) Uh, hey, uh, here’s a crazy idea: Um, why don’t you have some security around? I mean, you know these aliens want to kill you. Say something went wrong. (The following scene happens as he speaks) I mean, what if, for some crazy reason, you didn’t give him (the alien) anesthetic, he wakes up, he makes some ear-piercing sound, knocks out all the power, kills the doctors and uses the body of one of them to communicate with other people?
NC: I mean, I’m just saying.
NC (voiceover): So the alien tries to do some mind-zapper-thing with the President as the security FINALLY takes the alien out. Meanwhile, Will Smith decides that he wants to steal a helicopter to look for his fiancé.
Security Guard: (aims his pistol at Steven) What the hell are you doing?! Get outta there!
Steven: Look, I got something I got to handle. I’m just borrowing it.
Security Guard: No, you’re not, sir.
Steven: You really want to shoot me? (NC adds a twinkle to Steven’s right eye before the guard puts his pistol down)
NC (voiceover): Damn that Will Smith charm. Next time, I gotta try that. Just go up to a military helicopter and be, like, “Hey! I need this. There’s something I gotta do.” I mean, I never thought just to ask; it’s practically foolproof! And—wouldn’t you know it?—in the middle of the night, without any signals, without any clue of her location, he just happens to stumble across her (Jasmine)!
Jasmine: You’re late.
Steven: Well, you know I like to make an entrance.
NC (voiceover): (as an announcer speaking the following accompanying text) This moment brought to you by The Laws of Improbability.
NC (voiceover): (normal) So they reunite the President with his wife, but unfortunately, she’s bleeding internally and can’t be fixed. (The scene continues in a somber tone as President Whitmore leaves the room to grieve to himself) Sheesh, I felt like we barely knew her. (Beat) That’s because we did barely know her. Even if we didn't have 13 OTHER characters in this movie, we would feel bad that this person dies!
Patricia (Whitmore’s daughter): Is Mommy sleeping now?
President Whitmore: Yeah. Mommy’s sleeping.
(Patricia looks down in sadness before Whitmore picks her up to hug her)
NC (voiceover): (as Whitmore) Oh, no. This is giving me an emotion. (sobs once) Must…not…act. (sobs again) Must…not…act! (Fade to black before the title card “July 4” appears) Oh, good, I made it to the next credit.
NC (voiceover): (normal) But the President isn’t the only one having problems. A drunken Jeff Goldblum screams in anger and seeks the aid of his father.
Julius: Everyone loses faith at some point in their life. David, even myself. I haven’t spoken to God since your mother died.
NC (voiceover): (as David) Mother’s dead?
Julius: You still have your health.
NC (voiceover): But Goldblum suddenly gets an idea: to get the alien mother ship a virus. Because now this TV repairman can not only find signals that the government’s top men can’t find, but apparently can also hack alien technology while only being aware of it for one day.
NC: (looks skyward as though in prayer while a Gregorian chant is heard in the background) By God, Jeff Goldblum. Is there anything you can’t do?
(Cut to a Photoshopped image of Jesus Christ with Goldblum’s face superimposed over Jesus)
(Back to the movie)
NC (voiceover): But still, they need a pilot to fly that alien ship. Who are they gonna get?
Steven: I’ve seen these things in action, and I’m well aware of their maneuvering capabilities. With your permission, General, I’d like the opportunity to try.
NC: (as President Whitmore) Yes. Let that man fly that ship—(looks off-screen) What’s that? His fiancé’s a stripper? (Looks back at the camera) Bring him back, bring him back. We can’t allow that, nope.
NC (voiceover): So Smith and his fiancé finally get married right before they head up to infect the mothership. An alien race that wipes out Earth but is killed by our viruses? (scoffs before speaking sarcastically) Whoever heard of such a thing? (An image for the record cover to “The Complete War of the Worlds” is shown as NC coughs to cover up what he says next) A jerkoff! (Back to the movie) So as they (Steven and David) head off into space, our President gets ready to make the biggest speech for the trailer.
President Whitmore: The Fourth of July will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day when the world declared in one voice, we will not go quietly into the night! Today, we celebrate our Independence Day!
(All the fighters cheer on)
NC (voiceover): Boy, thank God this all went down on Independence Day. I mean, can you imagine what would happen if this took place on a lesser holiday?
NC: (pretends to give a speech with his hand as a “speaker”) Today…on Talk Like a Pirate Day…we celebrate our right to talk like pirates! And we will show…
Voice (off-screen): Hey, come on, be authentic!
NC: (sulks before resuming to speak like a pirate) We will show them scurvy dogs who’s boss! Who’s with me? Say “Arrrgh!”
Off-screen Voices: Arrrgh!
NC (voiceover): And just when you think this movie couldn’t get any more silly clichés…
General Grey: Mr. President, I’d sure like to know what you’re doing.
President Whitmore: I’m a combat pilot, Will. I belong in the air.
NC (voiceover): That’s right. The President of the free world is flying up in the air with the other fighter pilots.
(Cut to NC with the “Independence Day” movie poster launching high above him while the “Jaws” shark appears below him)
NC: (looks skyward) Wow! It jumped the shark so high, it’s near the orbit!
NC (voiceover): Yeah, sure, let him fly with the other fighter pilots. I mean…it’s just the President! It’s not like he’ll be needed for anything else. It’s not like there’s any choice decisions that a democracy chose him to make! Just let him have his fun. Oh, well, fuck it. Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum fly into the mothership to implant the virus. (Beat) Now, this raises another question. An alien spaceship from the 1950s isn’t gonna cause any suspicion from the other aliens? Over 40 years of technological advancements must have happened over that time, and they just blend in like one of the other ships? Does one of the main aliens just think he knows who the alien is in there?
(As Steven and David’s ship approaches the main control center of the mother ship, an alien manages some controls to lock Steven and David’s ship in place; while the following dialogue from NC occurs, David prepares to activate the virus)
NC (voiceover): (as the control center alien) Stephanie? Stephanie, is that you? Oh, my God! I haven’t seen you or your ship since the 1950s! Tell me, how is your Aunt Flo? That…that is the reason why you said you’d be away for a while, right? St-Stephanie?
(Cut back to Earth with all the fighter pilots flying together, including the President)
President Whitmore: We have visual.
General Grey: Do not engage until we have confirmed…
NC (voiceover): So the fighter pilots—led by the President, trying to seal his next campaign poster—fire their missiles at the ship who should have their shields down by now.
(Whitmore has fired his missile at the ship, but the ship’s green protection shield is still active)
Whitmore: (to himself) God.
(Cut to footage of Kang and Kodos (from “The Simpsons”) laughing maniacally before returning to the movie)
Whitmore: Hold on, Command. I want another shot at it. (He fires again, this time successfully hitting the ship after the shields are down)
(A clip from “The Simpsons” is shown with Kang quivering in fear and NC dubbing over him, providing the appropriate noise; Back to the movie, all the pilots launch their missiles in unison, successfully striking at the ship before alien pilots appear to start attacking)
NC (voiceover): (as the alien pilots) Eat laser Tic Tacs!
Whitmore: Evasive maneuvers!
(Cut back to the mothership with the virus being uploaded)
NC (voiceover): (as the control center alien) Stephanie? W-Why aren’t you talking to me? Is it because I slept with your eight million sisters? Look, they came onto me, OK? (The alien presses a button to automatically open the covers to the glass shield of Steven and David’s ship) I—Oh, wait a minute. It’s because you want me to see your pretty face, isn’t it? (Steven and David notice the opening covers and immediately hide behind their seats) Let me just open up the window here so I can see your eyes one more—Stephanie, were you always invisible?
(Cut back to the attack on Earth with the ship opening itself up)
Whitmore: Eagle 1, Fox 2. (He fires a missile at the ship’s opening, but misses)
NC (voiceover): Aww, maybe you should’ve let a professional pilot fly.
Whitmore: (calls out to notify the other pilots) Doesn’t anyone have any missiles left?
Russell: Sorry I’m late, Mr. President.
(Russell Casse's plane flies in through a cloud of smoke)
Whitmore: Pilot, you armed?
Russell: Armed and ready, sir.
Soldier #1: Who is that guy?
General Grey: Put him on speaker.
NC: (as General Grey) Who is that brave lone American that we all underestimate?
Russell: It’s me, Russell Casse, sir.
NC (voiceover): But his missile gets jammed as he decides to do the noble thing and sacrifice his life for the world.
Russell: (as he flies into the center of the ship’s opening, which is about ready to fire its weapon) I’m baaaaack!
(Russell’s suicide mission creates a chain reaction in destroying the alien ship)
NC (voiceover): Really? So, all this advanced scientific weaponry and the answer was the equivalent of a cartoon character putting his finger in a gun? I guess cartoon logic saves the day.
General Grey: Get out the wire to every squadron around the world. Tell ‘em how to bring those sons of bitches down.
NC (voiceover): (as General Grey) Tell them to get all the drunk, suicidal redneck pilots they can find!
(The spaceship crashes to the ground as it continues to burn; cut back to the mothership with Steven and David still in hiding)
NC (voiceover): (as the control center alien) Stephanie, you can’t hide from our love. I really thought we had something there. I felt a connection, something…cosmic, if you will.
Steven: Yes, sir.
(Both come out of hiding to greet the control center alien)
David: Hey, alright!
Steven: (waves) Hey!
NC (voiceover): (as the control center alien) Stephanie? Did you do something to your hair?
Steven: Peace! (He launches a missile at the control center)
NC (voiceover): (as the control center alien) PLUTO’S BALLS!!
David: We’re loose. Can you get us out of here in 30 seconds?
NC (voiceover): So they get themselves loose, they fly through the ship of dried up dog turds, and Goldblum delights in ripping off “Jurassic Park.”
David: Must go faster, must go faster.
(Steven and David’s ship flies out of the mothership before it would close in on them; cut to the destroyed control center with the alien still conscious)
NC (voiceover): (as the control center alien) Hey, you know what? I’m beginning to think that wasn’t Stephanie—
(A nuclear bomb attached to the missile explodes, causing the entire mothership to be destroyed)
NC (voiceover): So all the other ships are taken down, Goldblum and Smith get home safe, and the President is declared a hero.
(Cut to Patricia running up to hug her father in the middle of a cheering crowd)
NC (voiceover): (as Patricia) Daddy, did you save the day? (as Whitmore) Actually, no. A drunk redneck pilot did. (as Patricia) Well, at least Mommy is still alive. (as Whitmore) Yeah, we’ll have to have a talk later.
(Cut to debris from the mothership falling across the sky like fireworks as the film fades to black, ending the film)
NC: So they all live happily ever after. (inhales through his nose deep before pounding his fists on his desk on each word) BUT WHAT ABOUT BOOMER?!
Announcer: (speaks the following accompanying text, which is placed below Boomer and heavenly music plays in the background) Boomer will live.
NC: (squeals for joy as he holds his arms up high before returning to speak normally) What a piece of shit.
(Clips from the movie play out as NC speaks)
NC (voiceover): I mean, granted, I did kind of like it as a kid, but as an adult, it’s just too corny and too clichéd. The characters are unbelievable cutouts, the story has about a bajillion plot holes, and…nope, I don’t need anything else. That’s enough to hate this movie. I will say this, though: the explosions are cool, the spaceships are cool, and Will Smith is cool. Is it one of the worst films I’ve ever reviewed? No, but it’s still bad. It’s really, really bad. (Movie posters for “2012,” “The Day After Tomorrow,” and 1998’s “Godzilla” are shown) And let’s face it: ever since, the director has been trying to make the same movie over and over and over.
NC: And seeing how it’s already rumored that there’s gonna be an “Independence Day 2,” I have just one question for you: Whose side are you gonna be on, the humans or the aliens? (He quickly takes off his hat to put on a pair of toy alien antennas on his head) Nanu, nanu! I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to! (He gets up to leave)
Channel Awesome Tagline—David: Checkmate.