I'm the One & Wild Thoughts

Tits wild thoughts im the one.jpg

Date Aired
August 16, 2017
Running Time
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Todd plays "I'm the One" and then "Wild Thoughts" on the piano.

A pop song(s) review

Todd: Hi, everyone. Good news: things are starting to look up. Not, like, in the world or anything, obviously; we're not gonna talk about that, but pop music at least is starting to feel happy again.

Clip of "There's Nothing Holdin' Me Back"
Shawn Mendes: Oh, I've been shaking
I love it when you go

Todd (VO): After complaining all year about how downcast and depressed pop radio has been, I think the clouds have broken. [clip of "Despacito"] Pop music is starting to sound like pop. It's able to be sad or happy. It can express a full range of emotions. Apparently, the Hot 100 finally...

Todd: ...started taking some Zoloft or something. And a big part of that is one man, [clip of DJ Khaled ft. Akon, Rick Ross, Young Jeezy, Lil Boosie, Trick Daddy, Ace Hood & Plies - "Out Here Grindin" plays...] one towering figure in music. The one, the only...

Khaled: DJ KHALED!

Todd (VO): Yes. The man, the legend: DJ Khaled.

Todd: The man who gave you all the memes! 

Clip from Complex Closets
Khaled: Congratulations, you played yourself.

Todd: Classic.

Clip of DJ Khaled ft. Justin Bieber, Quavo, Chance the Rapper & Lil Wayne - "I'm the One"
Khaled: We the best music!
Another one

Todd: Another one! Another two actually. He's got two hits...

Video for "Wild Thoughts"

Todd (VO): ...on the radio right now, and I feel like covering them both. Not because I find these new songs particularly great or interesting, but because...

Todd: DJ Khaled is just a fascinating guy.

Video for Dj Khaled ft. Akon, T.I., Rick Ross, Fat Joe, Birdman & Lil Wayne - "We Takin' Over"

Todd (VO): And in recent years, he's become not just a music mastermind, but also just beloved as a bigger than life personality the way [images of...] Lil Jon or Andrew W.K. are. We just like having him around. DJ Khaled makes the world a happier place. Which...is really interesting to me because...

Todd: DJ Khaled...doesn't actually do anything.

Clip of "Welcome To My Hood" with arrow pointing at DJ Khaled (Doing Nothing)
Plies: Some of them did they bid
The other half waitin' to go to court

Todd (VO): I mean you want to talk about memes? The oldest meme I've associated with the man...

Todd: ...from the very beginning was this one: [shots of articles asking the same question...] What does DJ Khaled even do? That's always been the meme. And the answer is nothing. He doesn't do a damn thing.

Montage of clips of "I'm On One" and "Do You Mind"

Todd (VO): Does he rap? No, never. Not once. So, he's a producer then. Like Timbaland or David Guetta?

Todd: Nope. I'm-I'm told he...

Todd (VO): ...used to occasionally-very ocassionally-but, no. These days he doesn't do that either. I mean it's right in the name-DJ Khaled. He's a DJ. And not in the sense of a beatmaker or a remixer, but like a [picture of...] wedding DJ. He plays other people's records, and maybe he shouts a couple catchphrases here and there.

Todd: So really he shouldn't be famous or get credit for anything. Yet, he is and does. And, I'll be honest, he has a pretty good track record.

Clip of DJ Khaled ft. T-Pain, Ludacris, Rick Ross and Snoop Dogg - "All I Do Is Win"
T-Pain: All I do is win, win, win

Todd (VO): DJ Khaled's music is...almost always pretty solid. The man has the jams, even if they're not really his. So how do you account for that? Well...the way I had it explained to me [h/t Andrew Unterberger, Billboard.com] is that he actually is a producer. But...

Todd: ...not like a record producer, [picture of...] but like a Hollywood producer.

Clip from Ren and Stimpy
Stimpy: A producer is the guy that tells the artist what to do...and later makes all the changes...and then he takes all the credit.

Todd: No-no seriously...

Back to "We Takin' Over"

Todd (VO): He uses his connections to find the artists and gets them together to make music, and he finances the whole thing. A-and look at the people behind his tracks. It's just [clips from I'm the One"] the hottest names right now like Rihanna, Quavo, Justin Bieber, Chance the Rapper. Everyone wants to work with him because they know his brand is a seal of quality. That doesn't sound like a lot but...

Todd: ...if it's so easy you try getting Rihanna or Justin Bieber on your music. You...probably could get Quavo though. He's just showing up everywhere all of a sudden. Think I saw him under my bed [cuts to black screen with Quavo chilling in the lower right corner].

Video for "Wild Thoughts"

Todd (VO): Now like I said, I'm not saying his two big hits this year are particularly great. In fact, I'm already pretty sick of both of them. 

Todd: But I'm sick of them because I've listened to them a lot because I don't...

Todd (VO): ...instinctively change the station every time I hear them. Which is more than I can say for like [clip of "Unforgettable"] French Montana or anything.

Todd: Okay, so we got two songs.

Montage of clips of "I'm the One" and "Wild Thoughts"

Todd (VO): One is built around Justin Bieber, the other around Rihanna. These are not people who really need more exposure in 2017, and uh...

Todd: The themes of either song...

Rihanna: I hope you know I'm for the taking ["i want to sex" -Rihanna]
Justin: I'm the one, yeah
I'm the one ["i sex good" -Justin Bieber]

Todd: Yeah, it's not exactly breaking new ground either.

Video for "I'm the One"

Todd (VO): That may be why I got sick of them so quick. But hey, even [clip of "Needed Me"] Bieber's and Rihanna's stuff lately has been kinda moody and downbeat. So, I'm-I'm  [clip of "Wild Thoughts"] willing to give them a pass for, you know, being upbeat and happy.

Todd: Now let's look at the first one.

Clip of "I'm the One"
Khaled: DJ Khaled!
Justin: Yeah, you're lookin' at the truth
The money never lie, no
I'm the one, yeah

Todd (VO): This is a posse cut. Three of the biggest rappers and the biggest singer. And considering how long he's been bubbling under, it's great to see Chance the Rapper on an actual #1 hit.

Chance: We just watchin' Netflix, she ain't got no cable
Okay though

You can't get angry about that, right? I mean, I'm, uh...

Todd: ...not sure he brought his A-material.

Chance: She beat her face up with that new Chanel
She like the price, she see the ice, it make her coochie melt

Chance the Rapper

Clip of Chance performing "How Great" at 2017 Grammy Awards
Chance: Exalt, exalt, glorify
Descend upon the earth with swords
And fortify the borders where your shortage lie
I used to hide from God
Ducked down in the slums like "Shhh"

Chance the Rapper (on a radio single)

Chance: When I met her in the club
I asked her who she felt
Then she went and put that booty on that Gucci belt

Todd: You know maybe some guys just shouldn't do verses on pop songs.

Clip of "I'm the One"
Quavo: She the one that bring them rain drops (rain drops)

Todd (VO): And then there's Quavo doing his thing with the-the sound effects and the ad-libs.

Quavo: 'Cause when we pull up (brt-brt!) all angles

Todd: You know can we really call them ad-libs anymore if he does it in every single verse he's ever done? 

Quavo: We go back
Remember criss-cross and hopscotch? (hopscotch)

Todd: I'm having difficulty imagining Quavo playing hopscotch. [clip of kid playing hopscotch] Look at my hop! Bitch, look at my hop!

Quavo: Modern day Bonnie and Clyde what they named us (why?)
'Cause when we pull up (brt-brt!) all angles

Todd doesn't say anything

 Clip of Bonnie & Clyde getting shot multiple times

Todd (VO): This is literally the only thing he can be referring to, right?

Lil Wayne: Lookin' for the one?
Well, bitch, you're lookin' at the one

And Lil Wayne does his thing. You know, "I'm the shit"; "I bang bitches"; [image of lizard on rock] "I periodically shed my skin and sun myself on a rock."

Todd: You know.

Lil Wayne: For the record, I knew Khaled
When that boy was spinnin' records

Todd: Whoa! Did Lil Wayne just say out loud that DJ Khaled hasn't produced anything in a long ass time?

Lil Wayne: For the record, I knew Khaled

When that boy was spinnin' records

[by which I mean, like, a billion years ago]

Todd (VO): That's not cool!

Todd: Don't say that out loud! I mean we all know it, but...

Todd (VO): Maintain the illusion, geez! Pro-wrestlers don't yell out...

Clip from WWE match

[Hulk Hogan voice] I'm only pretending to punch the guy! OH YEAH! I have no actual strong feelings towards him!

Todd: And what gets me about "I'm the One" is that...

Todd (VO): ...you know you got these, you know, tattooed thugs on the track, especially [mug shot of Justin Bieber] this violent menace to society.

Todd: But the beat sounds really innocent.

Justin: Oh-eh-oh-oh, eh-oh

I'm the one

Todd: Okay, see you got these chords they-re-they're...

Image of Nick Long's Four Chord Song

Todd (VO): ...similar to the pop song chords.

Todd: I think they're called like...uhh, the-the '50s chords, or the-the heart and soul chords. It goes like... [plays chords on piano: I . vi . IV . V] Yeah those chords. Anything with those chords...

Todd (VO): ...automatically just kinda sounds sweet and innocent. 

Todd: Which is why this beat in particular kinda sounds like...

Video for Justin Bieber - "One Time"

Todd (VO): ...one of Bieber's early hits back when he was a kid.

Justin: Let me tell you one time 

Todd: And that's probably why this is the most punchable he's been in a long time.

Clip of "I'm the One"

Justin: I'm the one

Oh-eh-oh-oh, eh-oh

Todd (VO): Jeez, look at him. Oh, yeah, yeah. I-I can feel that good old...

Todd: ...2009 loathing rolling right back in. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's good stuff.

Todd (VO): In fact, wait a minute. This is a posse cut...about banging chicks...rinky-dink beat...'50s chords...uncharismatic singer...Lil Wayne...

Todd: Pfft! This is basically Young Money's "BedRock!"

Clip of "BedRock"

Lloyd: Call me Mr. Flintstone

I can make your bedrock

Todd: You hear it right?

Clips from "I'm the One"

Quavo: 'Cause when we pull up (brt-brt!)

...and "BedRock"

Gudda Gudda: Grocery bag

Todd: Alright, uh, screw all the stuff I said defending that song. I'm never listening to it again.

Video for "Wild Thoughts"
DJ Khaled: Another one

Todd (VO): Alright, let's look at the other one, "Wild Thoughts." Now this one is way better.

Todd: But I do have one big problem with it.

Rihanna: When I'm with you, all I get is wild thoughts

Todd (VO): You see, that's a sample of "Maria Maria"...

Todd: ...off of Santana's Supernatural album.

Clip of Santana ft. The Product G&B - "Maria Maria"

Product G&B: Played by Carlos Santana

Todd (VO): And it occurs to me that some of y'all might not recognize it, but trust me. It was inescapable in 2000. And, um...I'm used to artists sampling songs from my...

Todd: ...childhood, but...this is starting to get really really close to my adulthood.

Todd (VO): Sometime soon they're gonna sample like [clips of Outkast's...] "Hey Ya," or [...and Kelly Clarkson's...] "Since U Been Gone," and...

Todd: ...and then I'm just gonna quit.

"Since U Been Gone" keeps playing

Todd (VO): You won't even get a goodbye. [shot of Todd's piano with GONE FOREVER sign on the wall] I-I'm just gone. I-I won't be able to take it.

Back to "Wild Thoughts" video

Rihanna: When I'm with you, all I get is wild thoughts

But, yeah. Whatever you want to say about Supernatural era Santana, it's nice to hear that screaming guitar again.

Rihanna: I hope you know I'm for the taking

Todd (VO): And this is the hottest Rihanna has sounded since "Rude Boy."

Todd: I mean, pfft, gets the blood pumping, am I right?

Rihanna: I don't know if you could take it

Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked

Todd is speechless

Rihanna: Nakey, nakey, naked

Todd: [pause] O-Okay, yeah, "nakey, nakey, naked" has just killed my interest completely in this song.

Rihanna: Wild, wild, wild

Wild, wild, wild thoughts

Wild, wild, wild

Todd: Hey, wait a minute...this sounds like that other Rihanna song.

Clip of Rihanna ft. Drake - "Work"

Rihanna: Work, work, work, work, work, work

Todd (VO): I mean granted, I'm not good with accents, but like...it's identical. That-that-that's how she pronounces "work."

Rihanna: Work, work, work, work, work, work

Clip of "Wild Thoughts"

Rihanna: Wild, wild, wild

Wild, wild, wild thoughts

Todd: When I'm with you, all I get is work thoughts. I'm just so backed up at work right now, I can't-I can't focus.

Bryson Tiller: Treat you like a lady, lady

Todd (VO): Oh, and the other guy. Who's the other guy we have here? Okay, this is Bryson Tiller. I've heard him before...

Todd: ...but I swear to God, I always forget what he sounds like immediately.

Clip of Bryson Tiller - "Don't"

Bryson: I want you bad as ever

Todd (VO): Like every time he comes up, I'm like...

Todd: "Oh yeah, yeah, the uhh...the bro country artist?"

Todd (VO): No, no seriously. If you knew nothing about the guy, and you heard the name Bryson Tiller, [picture of white country dude] you'd think he looks like this. I forget him not because of like his performance. It-it's just his style of music. [album cover for TRAPSOUL] Trap soul. Those things...

Todd: ...do not go togeth-anyway.

Todd (VO): Just get him off that chill trap, Zayn "Pillowtalk" sound...

Todd: ...give him like a real beat with some Santana guitar. That'll make things way better.

Back to "Wild Thoughts" video

Bryson: I heard that pussy for the taking

Todd sighs and lowers his head

Bryson: I heard that pussy for the taking

Todd (VO): Yes, she-she literally just said that...

Todd: ...like a minute ago.

Rihanna: I hope you know I'm for the taking

Todd: Congrats. You-you heard it correctly [gives thumbs-up]

Bryson: Make her cream

Yeah, Wu-Tang

Throw that ass back, bouquet

Todd (VO): Wow, we are going retro. A Santana song from 2000...

Todd: ...and hashtag rap from 2010.

Clip of "BedRock"

Gudda Gudda: Grocery bag

Todd (VO): Christ. I can't escape "BedRock"! What-what seriously, hashtag rap...

Todd: What is going on?!

Rihanna: You know this cookie is for the baking

Todd (VO): Okay, the more I listen to this, the more I'm realizing that the premise of this song...

Todd: ...is that there's nothing sexier than ridiculous metaphors.

Rihanna: Kitty, kitty, baby give that thing some rest

'Cause you done beat it like the '68 Jets

Todd: I'll let that one slide. [photo of...] Joe Namath was a good-looking man. But let's see what else we got here. Football teams...

Bryson: Fuck you til you're burned out


Todd: Burning dead bodies...

Rihanna: Spinning and it's wet

Just like it came from Maytag

Todd: Washing machines...like I-I'm imagining Rihanna [photo of Rihanna...] literally rotating

Bryson: Carryin' that water

Bobby Boucher, baby

Todd: [image of...] Adam Sandler. Yeah, that's a turn on. These are the things I want to think about...[images of...] laundry, grandma's ashes, and Adam Sandler.

Clip from The Waterboy

Professor: Something's wrong with his medulla oblongata!

Todd: A-anything else you wanted to add there? You've got me feeling intense like [commercial for SPCA] an SPCA ad. You've got me screaming like the [clip of...] foot-cutting scene from Saw. Okay, I think I'm not gonna listen to this song anymore either.

Clip of "Wild Thoughts"

DJ Khaled: We the best music!

Todd (VO): I cannot say that I think this specifically is the best music.

Todd: But that claim is always kinda funny anyway.

Clip of "I'm the One"

DJ Khaled: We the best music!

Todd (VO): DJ Khaled surrounded by his musician friends shouting, "We the best music!"

Todd: I mean, it's not false.

Todd (VO): We, this group of people, are some of the most talented and successful music-makers in the world. Sure.

Todd: By the same token, [photo of...] here's me and Shaquille O'Neal. We have a combined four championships and fifteen all-star game appearances. [shrugs] You know what? I'm just gonna get other people to review for me, and add a short clip at the beginning

Several YouTube comments requesting Honest Trailer for Suicide Squad

The Following Is An Honest Movie Trailer...

Todd: We're the best Youtubers! Cha-ching! Man, I just gotta start [shot of DJ Khaled's swimsuit pic] posting Instagram pictures now and I'm set for life!

Gets up and leaves

"Wild Thoughts" ends

Closing Tag Song: "Kill the DJ" - Green Day

"I'm the One" and "Wild Thoughts" are owned by We the Best Music

This video is owned by me


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