Announcer:
And now it's time for "Bum Reviews" with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: "Hunger Games: Catching Fire."
Chester:
OH MY GOD, this is the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life!
(Hunger Games music plays as Chester kisses his fingers and holds them up, which have "SPOILERS" written on them in marker)
There's this girl named Katniss.
And she survived the Hunger Games!
Which ironically has nothing to do with hunger at all.
But she's having a hard time getting used to the life of celebrity!
So President Santa Claus is like, "The people want to rebel against us because you're so likable."
"Well, what do you suppose I do?"
"I want you to stop being likable and be even more likable!"
"Okay! Wait, what?"
"Santa has spoken!"
So Katniss goes to her friend Peeta and is like, "I can't do the celebrity thing! I care about people too much! I don't wanna be like Miley Cyrus or Justin Timberlake who whore themselves off whenever they enter adulthood! I want to be famous just because I'm a general nice person!"
"Wait, are you talking as Katniss or Jennifer Lawrence now?"
"What does it matter? People will still try to call me fat."
But then drunken Larry Flynn comes in and is like, "You need to start convincing people that you and Peeta are in love!"
"I don't think I can do that. I love killing animals."
"No, not that PETA! Your boyfriend!"
"Who?"
"The one everybody thinks you're in love with but can tell you're not in love with because you're so bad at it!"
"Oh, that guy. Yeah, I love him."
"See, this is why you're so bad at this!"
So Peeta and Katniss think up a great idea.
"Why don't we get married?"
"I can't do that! I'm in love with another boy!"
"Oh yeah, the third guy."
"Why do you say it like that? I'm really in love with him."
(Rolls eyes) "Oh yeah, 'cause your chemistry is sooo deep! What, did you share like two minutes of screen time together?"
"Hey, I saved him from getting a Tic-Tac-Toe game whipped on his back!"
"What's his name?"
"I don't know. Nobody ever remembers his name. I'm just calling him Jacob."
But President Santa Claus is not happy because the couple doesn't really look like a couple.
And he's like, "This is the worst fake relationship since Padme and Anakin. I have no choice but to go 'Chamber of Secrets' on this and recycle the first movie." (Pushes button accompanied with buzzer)
Oh no! Katniss and Peeta are back in the Hunger Games!
And this time it's made even more dangerous.
Because Dusty from "Twister" is running it!
"I want, like, everything spinning like a big tornado."
"Eh, we can't make tornados, only lightning."
"Okay, well, what else spins?"
"I don't know, a clock?"
"That's it! We'll turn it into a giant clock and leave hints for all the competitors."
"Oh, you mean like have every section represent an hour, and every hour there's something that's gonna destroy them in that section?"
"Yeah!"
"But once most of them are wiped out, isn't it gonna take 12 hours to circle around and kill them? And what if they catch on to this and try to avoid those parts on the hour?"
"Oh, I'm not a traitor!"
(Pauses) "...I never said you were."
"I am Loki!"
"What?"
"Nothing!"
So, this time around, Katniss and Peeta make a bunch of alliances.
But they can't figure out which one should make it in the end.
"I'm gonna save you!"
"I'm gonna save you!"
"I'm gonna save you!"
"Well, I'm gonna save you!"
"Okay. Why don't we agree if we're the last ones that we'll kill each other like last time?"
"Because there's no poisonous berries this time!"
"What, poisonous berries is the only way to kill yourself in this world?"
"Look, I'm just trying my best to be in a movie where my girlfriend doesn't die!"
But then this ingenious scientist figures out a way to kill the rest of the people!
"We're gonna go Benjamin Franklin on this shit, and we're gonna have lightning strike a tree that's gonna strike a cord that's gonna electrocute all of the water!"
"Can anything go wrong?"
"Well, I suppose if somebody comes to kill me-- (looks) Oh look, somebody's come to kill me! (is hit) Somebody came to kill me. (falls)"
So Katniss has to figure out a way for the lightning to strike something to blow up something because the movie kind of forgot to have a climax.
So she straps the wire to the arrow and shoots it up in the air mid-lightning strike! (pauses) WOW, talk about lightning fast!
Mid-lightning strike?! I think even the Flash would be like, "Girl, that's impossible."
But then the entire place starts to crumble.
And a giant ship comes in and Katniss is picked up by (as aliens from "Toy Story") the Claw!
And it turns out that Dusty, Larry Flynn and Jacob are all on the ship.
And Dusty is like, "A revolution is happening now. This was all a plan to get you out."
"But wasn't it your idea to put me in this death trap to begin with?"
"Yeah, but I knew you'd get out."
"Even though the absolute best of the best players were in this one?"
"Yeah, but I knew you'd get out."
"And even though only a handful of those winners are in the revolution when you probably could have told everybody and we could have worked out some sort of scheme together?"
"Yeah, but I knew you'd get out."
"And didn't you spin the island at some point, killing a lot of the other contestants, me very possibly being one of those contestants along with the killer monkeys and the killer smoke?"
"Yeah, but I knew you'd get out."
"Even though this arrow lightning thing was just incredibly good timing and you would have no other way to get that ship in and pick me up--"
"Hey, look, Peeta's missing!"
"Noooooooooooooo!"
"That shut her up."
So Katniss finds out that her sister and mother are safe, but her home is destroyed, the revolution has begun, and they have to save Peeta from Jabba the Hutt-- I mean, evil Santa.
HOORAY!
So "Catching Fire" was a really good movie, even though they kind of Home Alone 2'ed it in cutting and pasting the script.
But it's like a really epic "Home Alone 2"!
Like, imagine Kevin fighting baboons in New York.
That's what a lot of New Yorkers think they do anyway.
Hey, the next Hunger Games should be in New York!
Despite the fact that Chicago now has the highest crime rate.
But hey, at least we're number one in something.
This is Chester A. Bum saying CHANGE?! Ya got change?! Aw c'mon, help a guy out, will ya?! C'mon, change!
C'mon, I'll bring the Hunger Games to Chicago! You can have the Dark Knight fighting the Blues Brothers!