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Hulk (2003)
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Aired
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July 19, 2017
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Running time
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33:08
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Previous review
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Next review
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TBA
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Link
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(We start off with a parody of the intro of the TV show The Incredible Hulk (1978). The red sign "DANGER" starts blinking as the Nostalgia Critic puts the movie Hulk (2003) in a Blu-ray player. As he watches it, he grows more and more angry)
Narrator (Malcolm): Nostalgia Critic: critic of nostalgia. Searching for a movie to tap into the inner frustrations every movie nerd has. Then, a viewing of a fascinatingly misdirected movie alters his chemistry. And now, whenever he hears any mention of the movie Hulk, a startling metamorphosis occurs.
(Tamara is shown holding the Blu-ray of the movie and discussing it with Malcolm. When NC comes up, he dramatically knocks it out of Tamara's hand, and it falls on the floor)
NC: (calmly) Malcolm. Tamara. Do not show me that movie. You wouldn't like me when you show me that movie.
(He then explodes, but nothing happens to NC afterwards)
NC: I exploded.
(Tamara and Malcolm just shrug. Cut to NC crying to the sky in the rain in over-the-top manner, with the title "The Incredible Sulk" appearing below. We then are shown NC watching silently at the Blu-ray case of Hulk, with the Blu-ray itself having been smashed into pieces)
Narrator: The Critic is wanted for property damage he didn't commit. Well, okay, he did, but it was just of a movie. And that movie sucked. The Critic's patience is believed to be dead. And he must let the world believe that he's dead, until he can find a way to control the whiny bitch that dwells within him.
(The screen splits, with the one half of Critic just watching, and the other crying in the rain. The title "The Incredible Sulk" appears once more as the frame freezes. And we come to our opening! After that, we cut to the NC sitting in his usual spot)
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. You know... (an image of the Incredible Hulk appears in the corner) this should be the easiest guy to make interesting.
(Cut to a montage of shots of Hulk comics)
NC (vo): The Incredible Hulk is a classic Jekyll-and-Hyde story about scientist Bruce Banner, whose experiment goes wrong and turns into a giant green monster whenever he gets angry. It has both the psychological and physical elements that usually make for great classic storytelling.
(Cut to a poster for the 2008 Incredible Hulk movie)
NC (vo): Yet his cinematic ventures have been so underwhelming that...
(Cut to a shot of the Hulk as part of the group shot of the title group from Avengers: Age of Ultron)
NC (vo): ...despite him being many people's favorite parts in other movies...
(Another shot of a solo Hulk is shown)
NC (vo): ...no solo movies are planned in the near future.
NC: And that all started with the... (imitates Hulk sounds while putting his fist in his mouth) ...simply known as Hulk.
(We see the title of the movie, before showing clips, as well as showing images of director Ang Lee and posters of his other movies)
NC (vo): How can a story about a giant green monster be boring? That was the challenge presumably given to director Ang Lee. He just finished a winning streak with his martial arts opus, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, winning over box office, critics, and too many awards to count. So producers immediately said, "That, we want that for our action-packed Hulk movie".
NC: But what they were missing is that Ang Lee usually did social dramas.
(An image of a character from Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon is shown)
NC (vo): He did Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon because he always wanted to do a martial arts movie.
NC: One. One martial arts movie.
NC (vo): He brushed up for years on martial arts flicks so he could figure out how to do it right. With Hulk, very clearly, he was a director-for-hire, and saw this more as a means to experiment rather than bring a lifelong dream to life.
NC: And much like Bruce Banner, this experiment would haunt him for the rest of his days.
(The posters for Life of Pi and Brokeback Mountain are shown)
NC (vo): He certainly recovered and returned back to his comfort zone, but the mark this movie left on comic fans is probably the most uniquely bad since this.
(Cut to a clip from Batman & Robin)
Batman: This is why Superman works alone.
NC (vo): But while that was bright and colorful and at least made little kids happy, this...would only make that kid who stands in the corner saying "I'm bad, I'm bad, I'm bad" happy.
NC: Because he's gonna set someone on fire.
NC (vo): So, why is this the most intriguing and yet somehow also most boring of missteps?
NC: Well, let's make everybody angry with Hulk.
(The movie's opening credits roll to a triumphant music by Danny Elfman)
NC: Whoa, tone down those expectations there! This is not the movie you're going to get.
NC (vo): Now, let's instead do those early 2000s credits of blurry close-ups mixed with sped-up and slowed-down editing. I've always wanted to see an intro with my glasses off and a monkey playing with the remote.
(NC is seen with his glasses off, while a monkey screeches in the background, as the intro sequence goes on)
NC: Okay, Coco, push play. Push play... No, now you're fast forwarding- No, now you're slowing it down- No, now you have it on extreme zoom! Extreme zoom... No, no! Pull it back to normal- (to the camera) This is the best way to watch this movie!
NC (vo): Oh, and if you think this style is only done in the credits, your senses are in for a bludgeoning, because there's gimmicky editing techniques throughout the entire film.
NC: And I mean, the entire film.
NC (vo): Just look at this flashback of Bruce Banner's father.
Edith: I'm gonna have a baby.
(Edith going through labor pushes through the screen between the previous shot. The camera pulls out of labor room, and then zooms to David and baby Bruce at home. Then, we cut to shot of David's notes with the words "...has been passed on", before a fern sprouts over the notes)
NC: If you find this mildly annoying, then just add two hours of it, and that M will quickly turn upside down. (The word "Mildly" pops on screen, with the M turning upside down, turning "Mildly" into "Wildly")
NC (vo): Like me, you might be wondering, what's the point of all these transition tricks? Trick-sitions, as I like to call them! My best guess is Ang Lee wanted to create the closest thing he could to a comic book, meaning the film literally has panels, speed lines, and elements of space and time overlapping each other.
NC: There's just one problem with that, though. If you're adapting a book, would you constantly...
NC (vo): ...put words all over the goddamn place? This is way too friggin' literal!
(Cut to the library scene from IT, with Pennywise laughing at Richie, showing sentences appearing across the screen like "He sat on top of the stair rail", "Do you have Prince Albert in a can?", "You better let the poor guy out!", and of course, "Wah-hah! Wah-hah! Wah-hah!")