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Hulk (2003)

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'''NC:''' Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. You know... ''(an image of the Incredible Hulk appears in the corner)'' this should be the easiest guy to make interesting.
 
'''NC:''' Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. You know... ''(an image of the Incredible Hulk appears in the corner)'' this should be the easiest guy to make interesting.
   
''(Cut to a montage of shots of ''Hulk'' comics)''
+
''(Cut to a montage of shots of Hulk comics)''
   
'''NC (vo):''' ''The Incredible Hulk'' is a classic ''Jekyll-and-Hyde'' story about scientist Bruce Banner, whose experiment goes wrong and turns into a giant green monster whenever he gets angry. It has both the psychological and physical elements that usually make for great classic storytelling.
+
'''NC (vo):''' The Incredible Hulk is a classic Jekyll-and-Hyde story about scientist Bruce Banner, whose experiment goes wrong and turns into a giant green monster whenever he gets angry. It has both the psychological and physical elements that usually make for great classic storytelling.
   
 
''(Cut to a poster for the 2008 ''[[The Incredible Hulk (Disneycember)|Incredible Hulk]]'' movie)''
 
''(Cut to a poster for the 2008 ''[[The Incredible Hulk (Disneycember)|Incredible Hulk]]'' movie)''
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''(We see the title of the movie, before showing clips, as well as showing images of director Ang Lee and posters of his other movies)''
 
''(We see the title of the movie, before showing clips, as well as showing images of director Ang Lee and posters of his other movies)''
   
'''NC (vo):''' How can a story about a giant green monster be boring? That was the challenge presumably given to director Ang Lee. He just finished a winning streak with his martial arts opus, ''Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon'', winning over box office, critics, and too many awards to count. So producers immediately said, "That, we want that for our action-packed ''Hulk'' movie".
+
'''NC (vo):''' How can a story about a giant green monster be boring? That was the challenge presumably given to director Ang Lee. He just finished a winning streak with his martial arts opus, ''Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon'', winning over box office, critics, and too many awards to count. So producers immediately said, "That, we want that for our action-packed Hulk movie".
   
 
'''NC:''' But what they were missing is that Ang Lee usually did social dramas.
 
'''NC:''' But what they were missing is that Ang Lee usually did social dramas.
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''(NC is seen with his glasses off, while a monkey screeches in the background, as the intro sequence goes on)''
 
''(NC is seen with his glasses off, while a monkey screeches in the background, as the intro sequence goes on)''
   
'''NC:'''​ Okay, Coco, push play. Push play...no, now you're fast forwarding- No, no, now you're slowing it down- No, now you have it on extreme zoom! Extreme zoom...no, no! Pull it back to normal. ''(to the camera)'' This is the best way to watch this movie!
+
'''NC:'''​ Okay, Coco, push play. Push play... No, now you're fast forwarding- No, no, now you're slowing it down- No, now you have it on extreme zoom! Extreme zoom... No, no! Pull it back to normal. ''(to the camera)'' This is the best way to watch this movie!
   
 
'''​NC (vo):'''​ Oh, and if you think this style is only done in the credits, your senses are in for a bludgeoning, because there's gimmicky editing techniques throughout the entire film.
 
'''​NC (vo):'''​ Oh, and if you think this style is only done in the credits, your senses are in for a bludgeoning, because there's gimmicky editing techniques throughout the entire film.
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'''NC (vo):''' ...put words all over the goddamn place? This is way too friggin' literal!
 
'''NC (vo):''' ...put words all over the goddamn place? This is way too friggin' literal!
   
''​​(Cut to the library scene from ''[[IT]]'', with Pennywise laughing at Richie, showing sentences appearing across the screen like ​"He sat on top of the stair rail", "​Do you have Prince Albert in a can?", "​You better let the poor guy out!", and, of course, "​Wah-hah! Wah-hah! Wah-hah!". We are then shown the screen splitting between General Thaddeus Ross (Todd Tesen) talking in the microphone and David Banner (Paul Kersey) running up the stairs)''
+
''​​(Cut to the library scene from [[IT]], with Pennywise laughing at Richie, showing sentences appearing across the screen like ​"He sat on top of the stair rail", "​Do you have Prince Albert in a can?", "​You better let the poor guy out!", and, of course, "​Wah-hah! Wah-hah! Wah-hah!". We are then shown the screen splitting between General Thaddeus Ross (Todd Tesen) talking in the microphone and David Banner (Paul Kersey) running up the stairs)''
   
 
'''Ross:''' Gamma decontamination will occur in 30 minutes.
 
'''Ross:''' Gamma decontamination will occur in 30 minutes.
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'''NC (vo):''' So the style doesn't even match the tone! It's like they realize there's no friggin' excitement in this flick, so to remind you it's even supposed to be a comic book film, they're like...
 
'''NC (vo):''' So the style doesn't even match the tone! It's like they realize there's no friggin' excitement in this flick, so to remind you it's even supposed to be a comic book film, they're like...
   
'''NC:''' "Um...pffft. Throw some..."
+
'''NC:''' "Um... Pffft. Throw some..."
   
 
'''NC (vo):''' "...Comic Sans in there, put that frame there, that frame over there and make it look like ''The Brady Bunch''."
 
'''NC (vo):''' "...Comic Sans in there, put that frame there, that frame over there and make it look like ''The Brady Bunch''."
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''(Bruce's stepmother, Mrs. Krenzler (Celia Weston), comforts him)''
 
''(Bruce's stepmother, Mrs. Krenzler (Celia Weston), comforts him)''
   
'''Mrs. Krenzler:''' There's something inside you. So special. Some kind of greatness, I'm sure. Someday, you're gonna...share it with the whole world.
+
'''Mrs. Krenzler:''' There's something inside you. So special. Some kind of greatness, I'm sure. Someday you're gonna...share it with the whole world.
   
 
'''NC:''' ''(as a director)'' Okay, cut! That was good, but, uh, ''(brings out a folder)'' let's try something a little different here this time. Let's try trying.
 
'''NC:''' ''(as a director)'' Okay, cut! That was good, but, uh, ''(brings out a folder)'' let's try something a little different here this time. Let's try trying.
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''(The title "The Hulk" appears on screen to a dramatic sting)''
 
''(The title "The Hulk" appears on screen to a dramatic sting)''
   
'''NC (vo):''' ''(in an over-the-top manner)'' ''The Hulk''! People calmly discussing things! Staring at each other in silence! But...look! Green walls! ''(A bunch of arrows pop up, pointing at the walls) ''It's...''kind'' of like the Hulk is there! Symbolically!
+
'''NC (vo):''' ''(in an over-the-top manner)'' ''The Hulk''! People calmly discussing things! Staring at each other in silence! But... Look! Green walls! ''(A bunch of arrows pop up, pointing at the walls) ''It's...''kind'' of like the Hulk is there! Symbolically!
   
 
'''NC:''' Oh, you just don't get it! You don't understand the layers of subtlety and conversation that need to be had with... ''(faintly raises his fists in the air, as "The Hulk" appears again)'' ''The Hulk''!
 
'''NC:''' Oh, you just don't get it! You don't understand the layers of subtlety and conversation that need to be had with... ''(faintly raises his fists in the air, as "The Hulk" appears again)'' ''The Hulk''!
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'''NC:''' ''The Hulk! (The said title zooms in again)''
 
'''NC:''' ''The Hulk! (The said title zooms in again)''
   
'''NC (vo; in an over-the-top manner):''' Talking about dreams! Reoccurring dreams! With your boyfriend being your father and trying to strangle you- ''(does a double take, stuttering)''
+
'''NC (vo):''' ''(in an over-the-top manner)'' Talking about dreams! Reoccurring dreams! With your boyfriend being your father and trying to strangle you- ''(does a double take, stuttering)''
   
 
'''NC:''' What?!?
 
'''NC:''' What?!?
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'''Bruce:''' It was like being born. ''(He imitates his heartbeat)'' Boom... Boom...
 
'''Bruce:''' It was like being born. ''(He imitates his heartbeat)'' Boom... Boom...
   
'''NC (vo; speaking softly):''' Reacting by not reacting...done. ''(normal) ''But it looks like Elliott thinks Bruce might be behind the lab being destroyed.
+
'''NC (vo):''' ''(speaking softly)'' Reacting by not reacting...done. ''(normal) ''But it looks like Elliott thinks Bruce might be behind the lab being destroyed.
   
 
''(Betty opens the door to see her father with his bodyguards)''
 
''(Betty opens the door to see her father with his bodyguards)''
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''(Bruce transforms into the Hulk. Talbot is understandably freaked out)''
 
''(Bruce transforms into the Hulk. Talbot is understandably freaked out)''
   
'''NC (vo, as Talbot):''' Mr. Giant, I swear I ate all my vegetables...aaaah!!
+
'''NC (vo, as Talbot):''' Mr. Giant, I swear I ate all my vegetables... Aaaah!!
   
 
''(Talbot gets thrown out the window. Cut to Betty seeing the Hulk for the first time, and she...just stares at him blankly)''
 
''(Talbot gets thrown out the window. Cut to Betty seeing the Hulk for the first time, and she...just stares at him blankly)''
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'''NC (vo, as the director):''' Cut!
 
'''NC (vo, as the director):''' Cut!
   
'''NC:''' ''(as the director, takes out a folder again) ''Okay, Connelly, let's try something a little different here, um...'''AAAAAACT!'''
+
'''NC:''' ''(as the director, takes out a folder again) ''Okay, Connelly, let's try something a little different here, um... '''AAAAAACT!'''
   
 
'''NC (vo):''' God above! I would have gone through at least the majority of the Three Stooges' reactions at this point!
 
'''NC (vo):''' God above! I would have gone through at least the majority of the Three Stooges' reactions at this point!
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''(David's dogs appear, barking furiously. It's revealed that David mutated them with gamma radiation. The result is...an animated version of them looking like they came straight from ''[[Son of the Mask]]'' or ''[[Spawn]]'')''
 
''(David's dogs appear, barking furiously. It's revealed that David mutated them with gamma radiation. The result is...an animated version of them looking like they came straight from ''[[Son of the Mask]]'' or ''[[Spawn]]'')''
   
'''NC (vo; in a traditional booming bass saying the following...):''''' ''ZUUL, MOTHERFU- ''(stops short at the sight of the dogs, not dropping the bass)'' Oh, my God. Are you serious?! Th-that's not the final thing, is it? I- Oh, sorry. ''(clears throat)'' ZUUL, MOTHERFU- ''(breaks down laughing)'' What is this?! Guys! Guys, come on! No!
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'''NC (vo):''' ''(in a traditional booming bass saying the following...) ''ZUUL, MOTHERFU- ''(stops short at the sight of the dogs, not dropping the bass)'' Oh, my God. Are you serious?! Th-that's not the final thing, is it? I- Oh, sorry. ''(clears throat)'' ZUUL, MOTHERFU- ''(breaks down laughing)'' What is this?! Guys! Guys, come on! No!
   
 
'''NC:''' Yup. This is the first action sequence in the movie. One hour in, and he's fighting...
 
'''NC:''' Yup. This is the first action sequence in the movie. One hour in, and he's fighting...
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''(The Hulk throws the last of David's dogs in the air, and it pops up, leaving a green smoke behind)''
 
''(The Hulk throws the last of David's dogs in the air, and it pops up, leaving a green smoke behind)''
   
'''NC (vo):''' So the Hulk defeats the mutant poodle...something I didn't think I'd say while watching this...and changes back, because, by God, we haven't seen enough of him as a normal guy yet, have we?
+
'''NC (vo):''' So the Hulk defeats the mutant poodle... something I didn't think I'd say while watching this...and changes back, because, by God, we haven't seen enough of him as a normal guy yet, have we?
   
 
''(Betty takes Bruce to her house and covers him with a blanket)''
 
''(Betty takes Bruce to her house and covers him with a blanket)''
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''(Talbot, holding the syringe to gain a sample of the Hulk's DNA, goes to him. In the middle of him walking, the footage is sped-up (yeah, in the movie), and a Woody Woodpecker laugh is added. As Talbot brings the syringe closer to the Hulk, who is cartoonishly angrily cringing at him. NC snickers)''
 
''(Talbot, holding the syringe to gain a sample of the Hulk's DNA, goes to him. In the middle of him walking, the footage is sped-up (yeah, in the movie), and a Woody Woodpecker laugh is added. As Talbot brings the syringe closer to the Hulk, who is cartoonishly angrily cringing at him. NC snickers)''
   
'''NC (vo):''' Okay...I think this scene only exists just to make a caption contest.
+
'''NC (vo):''' Okay... I think this scene only exists just to make a caption contest.
   
 
'''NC:''' Like...
 
'''NC:''' Like...
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''(The Hulk does a small jump, and then he leaps EXTREMELY far and high)''
 
''(The Hulk does a small jump, and then he leaps EXTREMELY far and high)''
   
'''NC (vo; chuckling):''' Okay...
+
'''NC (vo):''' ''(chuckling)'' Okay...
   
 
'''NC:''' ''(rubbing forehead)'' I know the Hulk is supposed to be able to jump far, but the way they do it, he looks like an unrendered Mario character.
 
'''NC:''' ''(rubbing forehead)'' I know the Hulk is supposed to be able to jump far, but the way they do it, he looks like an unrendered Mario character.
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''(The Hulk spins the military tank around before tossing it away)''
 
''(The Hulk spins the military tank around before tossing it away)''
   
'''NC (vo, as the soldier):''' Oh, my God, that was amaziiiiiing!...I'm still falling- ''(The tank hits the ground)''
+
'''NC (vo, as the soldier):''' Oh, my God, that was amaziiiiiing!... I'm still falling- ''(The tank hits the ground)''
   
 
''(The Hulk stops at the area surrounded by rocks, one of them looking a little bit too phallic. NC notices this, of course)''
 
''(The Hulk stops at the area surrounded by rocks, one of them looking a little bit too phallic. NC notices this, of course)''
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''(The screen splits between Ross and Betty, before Betty's side is pushed off, all to the sound effects. At one point, when the image of Betty listening to her father appears to the latter's right, an effect that resembles loud farting is played)''
 
''(The screen splits between Ross and Betty, before Betty's side is pushed off, all to the sound effects. At one point, when the image of Betty listening to her father appears to the latter's right, an effect that resembles loud farting is played)''
   
'''Ross:''' Look, uh...if by some chance he did survive...and he should try to contact you, and try to get in touch...
+
'''Ross:''' Look, uh... If by some chance he did survive...and he should try to contact you, and try to get in touch...
   
 
'''NC:''' ''(as The Stranger from ''[[Is The Big Lebowski a Masterpiece?|The Big Lebowski]]'') ''I know he's still out there, the Bruce. Taking it easy for us sinners. ''(He takes out the Big Lebowski Jar from the ''Ghost Rider'' review and puts a coin in it)''
 
'''NC:''' ''(as The Stranger from ''[[Is The Big Lebowski a Masterpiece?|The Big Lebowski]]'') ''I know he's still out there, the Bruce. Taking it easy for us sinners. ''(He takes out the Big Lebowski Jar from the ''Ghost Rider'' review and puts a coin in it)''
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'''NC (vo):''' It's the perfect definition of misguided. It has some neat ideas, neat visuals, and I'll even argue that one or two of those transitions could be very effective, clever, and even beautiful at times. But there's just no thrill or investment. Banner is not made an interesting character. He's forgettable and bland, just like the rest of the characters. And when you can't find them interesting, you can't find the film interesting, plain and simple.
 
'''NC (vo):''' It's the perfect definition of misguided. It has some neat ideas, neat visuals, and I'll even argue that one or two of those transitions could be very effective, clever, and even beautiful at times. But there's just no thrill or investment. Banner is not made an interesting character. He's forgettable and bland, just like the rest of the characters. And when you can't find them interesting, you can't find the film interesting, plain and simple.
   
'''NC:''' I'm the Nostalgia Critic, and...I need to journey to find better movies to watch.
+
'''NC:''' I'm the Nostalgia Critic, and... I need to journey to find better movies to watch.
   
 
''(He gets up and leaves. The credits roll, and they are also a homage to the 1978 TV show, with the sad piano music similar to Joe Harnell's "The Lonely Man" theme playing. NC is shown outside, walking away from the camera along the sidewalk with a backpack and hitchhiking. At two points, a truck and a car drive nearby. NC frantically tries to get their attention, but fails and resumes walking. After the credits come to an end, we are treated to the quick clip of David stomping and flailing arms for the last time)''
 
''(He gets up and leaves. The credits roll, and they are also a homage to the 1978 TV show, with the sad piano music similar to Joe Harnell's "The Lonely Man" theme playing. NC is shown outside, walking away from the camera along the sidewalk with a backpack and hitchhiking. At two points, a truck and a car drive nearby. NC frantically tries to get their attention, but fails and resumes walking. After the credits come to an end, we are treated to the quick clip of David stomping and flailing arms for the last time)''
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