House of the Dead
October 27, 2010
(The episode opens with Phelous having blood on his shirt.)
Phelous: Why aren't I regenerating? I don't know. It feels different this time...
(Suddenly, the camera cuts to Phelous looking directly into the camera.)
Phelous: Hey guys. Phelous here with an important announcement. Last time I stated a live review, I die for real. So I hope you guys enjoy my last review ever. Anyway, today I'm going to be reviewing House of the Dead. No, I'm not gonna follow up on that stupid storyline with... (He glances down and notices his blood-stained shirt.) Oh, for fuck's sakes! (He falls over.)
(Phelous Who intro)
Video Game Voice: The House of the Dead. (The theme from the opening to The House of the Dead by SEGA plays as the title card comes up.)
Phelous: House of the Dead was a rail shooter by...
(One of the SEGA intros)
Video Game Voice: ♫ SEGA! ♫
Phelous: Yes, and it got adapted to film by Uwe Boll. Now, most of you probably heard this before, but Uwe Boll is a director.
Phelous (voiceover): So we start House of the Dead off with...
Phelous: Fine, I'll say a little more. Uwe Boll is a well-known troll director who gets his laughs from getting the rights to video game adaptation movies, and then making them far too silly for fans of the series he butchers to enjoy! And then, if someone says they didn't like it, he beats them up in a boxing match to prove that the movie was actually good.
Rudy Curien (Jonathan Cherry): (narrates) It was a nightmare. It all started a few days ago when I came here for a rave.
Phelous (voiceover): Yeah, we all start this off with a reflection narration, which in this film proves to be about as useful as a kick in the balls.
Sophie Richards: You... you must stop Curien.
Phelous: Yeah, Dr. Curien is the mad scientist antagonist from The House of the Dead series. But does this movie have anything to do with stopping him? No. So any point to that being there? No.
Phelous (voiceover): Unless, of course, shitty gameplay footage with a stupid little color embossing effect counts as point to you.
Background Rapper: Caught a virus/Can't be deleted/Penetrating/Energizing/Like a twisted/...
Phelous: Yeah, and that music really sets the mood for...no.
Phelous (voiceover): We then continue with some more awesome important narration telling us stuff like who likes who, 'cause you know what? I actually show that through development in the movie when you could just have an exposition dump! And you know what's really important? To tell us shit like "The Ditz is a Ditz", 'cause we could never figure that out on our own.
Rudy: (narrates) Alicia, my ex. We broke up a few weeks ago so I could study and she could fence.
Phelous: (mimics Alicia) "Hey, uh, yeah, we have to break up because it's really starting to affect my fencing." (mimics Rudy) "Oh, yeah, that actually works for me, because I really have to spend more time studying." Cool! See ya at the rave! I guess I don't act surprised later if the main characters are morons!
Rudy: (narrates) They missed the boat to the rave. If only they decided to stay back in Seattle...they'd all be alive today.
Phelous: Wow! Thanks for spoiling the movie! I guess I sure hope they don't die! (scoffs) Guess I don't have to watch this, then. Da da da dada da, fake credits, doodle-loodle-loo, moving on.
Phelous (voiceover): Next we see a rave sponsored by...
Video Game Voice: ♫ SEGA! ♫
Phelous: You guys all remember the Sega raves held on remote islands back in 2003, right?
Phelous (voiceover): Oh, and for some reason, Lois Lane is at the rave. Sorry, Lois, but the only story here is, actress will go on to a much more notable roles than bit part in Uwe Boll's Shit of the Dead.
Simon (Tyron Leitso): Well, we gotta get to this, uh, this party. There's an island and we were hoping to use your boat.
Salish (Clint Howard): Shove off!
Simon: Why don't you just name your price and we can skip the crutch of the old-man-on-the-sea routine.
Salish: What part of "shove off" didn't you understand?
Phelous: Between Clint Howard's overacting, them insisting on that boat, and the idiotic refusal of the easy money, I don't know which part I didn't like.
Phelous (voiceover): But the Captain shows up and also tells them "no dice" when he realizes what island it is.
Captain Victor Kirk (Jürgen Prochnow): You know what they call this island? Isle del Morte.
Phelous: A Sega rave on the island of death. Must've been a party for the Dreamcast! Ooooh!
Simon: Fuck it. A grand.
Victor: You can be mighty persuasive. Kirk's the name.
Greg (Will Sanderson): Wait, wait. Captain Kirk?
(A clip from the original Star Trek is shown.)
Kirk: I'm Captain Kirk. I'M CAPTAIN KIRK!!!
(Victor plunges a knife into the deck.)
Victor: I don't like no Captain Kirk jokes.
Phelous: (mimics Greg) "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
Jordan Casper (Ellie Cornell): Captain Kirk. This is the United States Marine Patrol. Stand down and prepare to be boarded.
Phelous (voiceover): You know, it makes sense when they're on another boat to use a megaphone, but not so much when the boat's just sitting docked not having done anything yet. But more money solves this little non-issue, and he warps out of there, thinking he'll never have to deal with harbor patrol again, I guess. Meanwhile, Lois (Johanna) shows off the fact that things actually get bigger when you move into Smallville.
Phelous: Boob joke!
Phelous (voiceover): Next on a line of stupidity, this guy sitting on the edge of the boat gets sick, and instead of turning to puke off the side, turns and pukes on his girlfriend. Ha, ha? Anyway, Lois has been swimming for almost two minutes now, which has caused her false alarm sense to go off. And her boyfriend immediately passed the fuck out. Then swimming back to shore has obviously given him enough time to completely disappear/get killed and drunk off without any notice from Lois.
Johanna (Erica Durance): Matt, where are you? Matt, I'm lost. Where are you?
Phelous: So to look for this Matt, she must've said to herself, "Well, he wouldn't have gone back to the Party. He must've gone... (covers his eyes and randomly points around) ...that way!"
Johanna: Matt, are you -- are you in there?
Phelous (voiceover): Lois, not hearing anything, actually assumes he's in the shack and they were just waiting for her to pull the old hand-through-his-chest gag. And she fell for it.
(The zombies overtake her as the song "Save Me" plays. As the camera zooms out to show the island, we see video game footage from the House of the Dead series.)
Phelous: Um, House of the Dead footage? Just to remind us what this is supposed to be?
Jordan: I know where they're docking. Drop me off on the other side of the island.
Phelous (voiceover): That way, if he was smuggling something, he'll have more than enough time to dump it. And yeah, that's exactly what happens. And our heroes go on through the woods, looking for the most ridiculously inconvenient party in existence when more game footage appears, 'cause don't forget: Idiots looking for a rave on an island is House of the Dead!
Salish: You hear something, Cap'n?
Phelous (voiceover): Well, if he didn't hear it too, that was quite random.
Greg: Where is everyone?
Cynthia (Sonya Salomaa): We have this entire place to ourselves to dance the night away, and I intend to put it to good use.
Phelous: Wow, you don't care that no one's at the party! Why the hell did you even want to go there, then?
(Greg and Cynthia are frolicking about in a tent.)
Cynthia: Wait, wait, wait, wait. What if the others come back?
Greg: I can be quick.
Cynthia: Hey, don't -- Don't take it personal, Greg. A lot of men have these kinds of problems.
Greg: I just gotta take a piss.
Cynthia: Not in here, you idiot! Go pee in the bushes!
Greg: Christ, I just -- I just gotta go and take a piss is all. All this beer's gotta go somewhere.
Phelous: What the fuck am I watching? (Footage of the Hangedman boss fight is shown.) Oh, right. House of the Dead! if you aren't gonna make your video game adaptation movie look anything like the game, just throw some gameplay clips in there! That makes an adaptation of it!
Phelous (voiceover): Then Ditz Girl (Cynthia) gets attacked by... (Zombies start appearing outside the tent. Cynthia screams in terror before the film cuts to the rest of the group walking through the woods.)
Phelous: Jump cuts, apparently.
Alicia (Ona Grauer): Well, are you coming? Or am I going in myself?
Karma (Enuka Okuma): Didn't you ever watch Scooby-Doo?
Phelous: "Scooby Doo?" That's the best she could think of? So what, she's saying they'll find a person in a ghost mask and they'll all be fine at the end? Oh, no!
Phelous (voiceover): They find some survivors of the party and they show via Diary of the Dead Dumbasses that they filmed people getting killed by zombies. Well, that's House of the Dead, I guess. Zombies. They got that part right.
Liberty (Kira Clavell): Rudy, they were dead people.
Hugh (Michael Eklund): Those are reanimated corpses just like out of a fucking Romero movie.
Karma: A what?
Hugh: You know, like the holy trilogy: Night, Dawn and Day. They say he's gonna make Twilight of the Dead one day, but I kinda doubt it.
Phelous: You mean Land of the Dead? Yeah, okay. A working title for Land was Twilight of the Dead. So, yes. George Romero almost made Twilight.
Rudy: So, who's your boy over there...with the Tom Cruise smile and the Rain Man brain?
Alicia: He just so happens to be the biggest underwear model in America, if you must know.
Rudy: Uh... Congratulations.
Phelous (voiceover): I thought you guys broke up because of fencing and studying. So that opening narration wasn't just pointless, it was also inaccurate, too. Amazing! They find Buddy in the Port-a-Potty and he got poopy all over him. Ha, ha. Ditz (Cynthia) attacks and they're saved by Harbor Patrol.
Jordan: What the hell was that thing?
Phelous: Shoot first, ask stupid questions later.
Karma: Our best friend.
Phelous (voiceover): And give stupid answers, too. And yeah, they're so broken up over their best friend.
Jordan: Right now, I just wanna get you all as far away from here as possible.
Greg: Sounds like a plan to me.
Jordan: McGyvers, come in.
MacGuyver: Let's launch.
Jordan: This is Casper.
MacGuyver: Lock on target.
(Cut to the graveyard scene where an explosion happens before going back to Victor on his boat.)
Phelous (voiceover): So then we have Captain Kirk meeting the "zoombies" for the first time. Uh, doesn't that surprise you in the slightest? No. Hmm, doesn't even ruin him enjoying his cigar. Well, that sure takes the piss out of the zombies. Way to go, movie! Not like you didn't try already with that fucking background music.
(Victor shoots the water zombies one after another while enjoying a cigar. We cut to the rest of the group on the bridge, where they are suddenly ambushed by the undead.)
Phelous (voiceover): So more zombies appear and are easily dispatched, though on one guy steps on a nail. Really, that's the bigger threat here.
(Actually, Rudy's hand falls onto the nail and it goes right through his palm and out the other side. Not even his gloved hand protects him.)
Karma: Can we go home now?
Phelous (voiceover): Yes, 'cause that's not what you're currently trying to do, is it? But no. No you can't. The opening narration told us so.
(The group finally arrives at the captain's boat, the Lazarus. They start calling out for Victor.)
(A clip from the original Star Trek is shown.)
Phelous (voiceover): And some more techno scoring, 'cause, yeah, that's really good for setting the mood for a zombie attack, you dumb shits.
Greg: Shoot it!
Victor: What do you think I'm trying to do, you fucking moron?
Phelous: (chuckles) Okay, I'll keep the movie that line.
Phelous (voiceover): Kirk gets bit on the arm and Buddy (Simon) kicks a zombie while it's down to receive some nice acid puke in the face. Well, that's a bit funnier than the first puke. They ask Kirk if he knows any more about this island and -- oh, for fuck's sakes. We're really doing a fucking flashback. Well, the stupid story is, some evil padre named Castillo was banished from Spain for weird experiments and ended up on this island and enslaved the natives, which obviously had laboratories and equipment for him to continue his zombie studies.
Phelous: Yeah, that's even remotely how the storyline of the House of the Dead series goes. Good job.
Victor: If you ask me, it's just a bunch of smugglers and cutthroats...looking for ways to scare people off.
Alicia: Well, you would know, wouldn't you?
Phelous: What a good time to pick a pointless fight!
(The scene cuts to Greg getting ambushed by the undead. The camera circles around Greg before fading to a red screen.)
Phelous: The hell was that? That wasn't supposed to be a "Game Over" screen, was it? Pull. Those aren't the parts you're supposed to try to adapt. Might as well done it like this, then.
(The same scene is played again, except with the words "Game Over" added and the "Game Over" music from the House of the Dead video game inserted.)
Phelous (voiceover): Luckily, Kirk was smuggling Cubans so they can smoke up. Oh, and a shit ton of weapons, which leads to...
(The group is now facing off against hordes of zombies in the graveyard. Just as before, video game footage clips are inserted. Phelous is watching the scene all the while and doesn't seem to be impressed.
Phelous: Hurry up!
(He fast forwards through the fight scene.)
Phelous: This fight scene goes on for seven minutes! Maybe if the characters were all such dull shits, I wouldn't mind seeing them kick some ass! Even with the ass-oh-nine scoring scene!
(A zombie portrayed by Rikiya Nakagawa, producer of the House of the Dead games, jumps over the railing.
Phelous: Oh, and this zombie is supposed to remind us of the headless Judgment from House of the Dead 2. Why? No clue.
(The zombie flings his axe at Alicia, while she fires a shotgun blast. The shot is played in slow motion before the zombie gets knocked backwards by the blast.)
Phelous: Wow, that's fucking stupid. Give it seven years and put it in 3D and it'll do great as a box office shitfest.
(Liberty is suddenly overtaken by the zombies.)
Phelous (voiceover): Oh no, Chung-Kao (Liberty) gets overwhelmed, so the main character thinks of techno music with random fast cutting.
(As Rudy closes his eyes, we see many clips from the fight until finally it changes back to him again.)
Liberty: No... (The camera circles around Liberty before fading to a red screen.)
Phelous: (slaps hands together) Yes. Yes! Bravo! Bravo, House of the Dead! You did it! You did it! That was one of the worst death scenes I've ever seen! Oh, Bravo! It was so stupid!
Phelous (voiceover): So narrator/odd flashbacks fuckhead (Rudy) runs into the shack, of course forgetting border patrol (Jordan) and she dies. Kirk gets bit on the leg and is in bad shape, but who cares? 'Cause this guy (Simon) is still crying over getting his stupid face scarred. (Rudy and Alicia are shown smooching.) No. No, you guys. It'll never work with the fencing. You have to see other people.
Victor: Maybe it's time you stopped babysitting me...and started worrying about yourselves a bit more.
Phelous (voiceover): Aw, he's the weapon smuggler with a heart of gold...
Phelous: So I guess he's Captain Kirk and Han Solo combined. Would've thought that would've turned out a bit better.
(Victor lights a stick of dynamite with his cigar.)
Victor: See you in Hell, boys.
Video Game Voice: HARA-KIRI!
Phelous (voiceover): That might've been a bit more noble if he didn't do it right near the shack, blowing parts of it away, letting the zombies in.
(A leech-like creature, which looks a lot like the Murrers from the video game presses its face up against a tank of mutant blood, snarling at the group.)
Rudy: Karma, no!
(Karma shoots the Murrer and shatters the glass tank. The mutant blood spills out, and suddenly the corpses in the room start moving.)
Kool-Aid Guy (audio): Oh yeah!
Rudy: Oh my God! It's the blood! It brings 'em back to life!
Phelous (voiceover): Blood? Seriously? You're sure it's not Kool-Aid? Anyway, with that scarred face, life isn't worth living, so the dummy (Simon) blows himself up, too. Guess Kirk started a cool new trend.
(The remaining survivors are now in the catacombs beneath the house. They are shooting zombies coated in earth and moss, which resemble the Evitans from the video game.)
Rudy: (checks weapon) I'm out.
Phelous (voiceover): No, no, if you're gonna beat House of the Dead, you have to do it like this.
(Images of the "Reload" icon from the video game appear onscreen.)
Video Game Voice: Reload! Reload! Reload! Reload!
Karma: I'll take care of these guys.
Phelous (voiceover): And of course, that's code for "I'll go over here and die now." (A hooded figure slays one of the Evitans with his sword.) Then they are saved by their buddy, but wait! We've seen him get Game Over. (The figure is revealed to be Castillo Sermano, the priest from the story Victor told before.) Oh, this is where the Scooby-Doo part comes in, as it was really Castillo all along. He sure fooled them for one minute. That truly was worth the effort.
Castillo Sermano (David Palffy): Your body parts -- they will serve me well for a long time.
Phelous: (mimics Castillo) "I didn't get my zombies to bring me any of the body parts from the people at the rave because...they weren't main characters."
Phelous (voiceover): Then we need more backstory, obviously.
Castillo: I'm going to live forever. (Then Castillo is hung from a noose, but doesn't die.) I will never die.
Phelous: Yeah, that's really something there. But, you know, if they left his sorry immortal ass hanging like that, it might not have seemed quite as great.
Phelous (voiceover): Castillo injected himself with immortality serum made of blood orchids and the blood of people younger than him, no doubt. Then moved onto his other favorite subject of making zombies that obey him because...he took immortality serum, I guess. They break loose and they make sure to close the door -- 'cause that may slow them down for a second -- when Castillo emerges, 'cause he's also explosion proof, and we have our techno-scored, nondramatic final battle in broad daylight.
(Footage from one of the cutscenes from The House of the Dead 2 is shown.)
Caleb Goldman: This is the final battle.
(Castillo suddenly stabs Alicia in the chest.)
Phelous (voiceover): Guess all that fencing didn't help much.
(Rudy rends Castillo's head from his shoulders, but his head controls his body, which tightens its grip around Rudy's neck.)
Phelous (voiceover): Oh, but luckily her boobs absorbed the impact and we find Castillo meant he'd live forever as long as no one crushed his head. Oh, wait a second. Her boobs only delayed her death, not prevented. When AMS and the protagonists from the first game show up...supposed to be them, anyway.
Rudy: Who are you?
Thomas Rogan (Adam Harrington): We're here to rescue you.
Rogan: What's your name?
Rogan: You got a last name?
Phelous: Of course, they make the main characters from the games look like clueless dumbasses, while they reveal that the main character from the movie is really Curien, the mad scientist from the games. Yeah, so now it makes no sense whatsoever!
Rudy: (narrates) And now we go home -- me and Alicia. Or whatever she is now. Is this the end...or only the beginning?
Phelous: So he's a dumbass who possibly brought back a monster that might destroy all of humanity, and AMS are dumbasses for not bothering to check if she's infected. So yea, they're all dumbasses!
Phelous (voiceover): So, House of the Dead shared two things with the games: zombies and some terrible acting. Though, the game's bad acting was better.
(Footage from the ending cutscene from The House of the Dead 2 is shown.)
Goldman: It is not over yet.
James Taylor: Is that all you have to say?
Goldman: Farewell, friends. (Goldman throws himself off the roof, with cartoon sound effects inserted.)
Phelous: So, House of the Dead. It had the dead, but it seemed to be missing...ah...the house! Come on, this is more like Dumbass Island Rave of the Dead! So, friends, there we go! My first Uwe Boll movie! Yippee! Whatchya think, Boll?
(A screenshot from the NES version of Punch-Out appears with a pixelated version of Uwe Boll appears. Round One begins with a pixelated Uwe Boll standing in one corner of the arena. Uwe Boll takes Little Mac out in one hit and then flips the bird. The scene then cuts back to Phelous as the camera circles around him. The "Game Over" music from the House of the Dead video game plays before the screen fades to red.)
Phelous: (sits down in the chair) Wait, what? How did any of that equal death? (groans) I am so sick of this... what? (He suddenly sees his own bloodied corpse lying on the floor.) Why am I still on the ground there? (He glances at the window to see someone peering in. He then lifts up his hoodie to reveal that he has blood on his shirt). Forget me. (He then fades. The Phelous on the floor slowly stirs.)
Obscurus Lupa: Phelous?
Phelous: It's the end. But the moment has been prepared for.
(The Watcher, who was glancing out of the window, suddenly materializes inside the room.)
ChaosD1: The Watcher.
Overactor: He was Phelous all the time.
(The Watcher walks over to Phelous and enters his body. Suddenly, Phelous becomes the new vessel for the Watcher to inhabit.)
Watcher Phelous: I will never die! (sits up) Well, that was rather anti-climactic.
(The credits roll.)
(Channel Awesome logo)
Watcher Phelous: Ahh...this regeneration... Oh no... I can feel it's not gonna be as smooth as on other occasions. Oh well, see ya, room. Do-do-do-do-do!
ChaosD1: Drei specible, watcher, und it's awesome!